Recap: America’s Got Talent: The Battle of Okay vs. Better Than Okay

“Yep… Still drunk”

Last time on “AGT”… well, who the hell knows what happened? Last time “AGT” was on, I was on a beach in a foreign country. And I guarantee you David Hasselhoff was the last thing on my mind. The show doesn’t even have a proper recapping section because, hey, let’s face it, every episode is the same, except with one or two fewer people, right? Anyway, I come to find that the people left on the show are Terry Fator, Julienne Irwin, Robert Hatcher, the Glamazons (REALLY??), Cas, Butterscotch, Sideswipe, and Douchey McDouchertons. I guess there’s no accounting for taste. Hey, shocker! Each act is singing-based! I’m telling you, there’s a 3-judge show just like this that’s already on nine months of the year. As Jerry leads us into the show, we’re told that this is the finale. Wait, what?? The finale??? The finale!!! YES! I’ve never had a better back-from-vacation gift in my life. Welcome to almost-the-last-episode of America’s Got Talent!

So apparently they’re gonna narrow it down to the top 4 and then they’ll perform for… ALL OF AMERICA! Wow! I’m putting my money down right now for Cas Haley, Butterscotch, Jason Prickhead, and then… a wild card. Honestly, if America DOES choose Prickhead, it could be any of the others in 4th place. The first person chosen is…

Mr. JollyFoots!

Yep, Cas Haley. O. Snapp: 1. The next is… wait, no, they’re going to make him perform now. Right now?, I think. Isn’t that a little abrupt? And to make it even more intimidating, he (and everyone else, the moment they’re called) has to sing a song the judges have chosen for them. Ouch! I wonder if it’s more nerve-wracking for the performer who just got called or the others who have to wait 15 more minutes to find out if they’re through.

Anyway, The Hoff declares that they have chosen “Can’t Help Falling In Love,” originally made famous by Elvis Presley, then made re-famous by UB40 for that awful Sharon Stone movie “Sliver.” Ahh, memories. Hasselhoff explains this choice by saying they want to see if Cas can make himself as memorable to the judges as Elvis and UB40 did. Wait, what? Does anybody even remember what the dude from UB40 looks like?

NOT CUTE

Just a little refresher for ya. So Cas sings his heart out, and I just hope that they told them the song choice earlier this week, at least. I’m pretty sure they did. Not to do that would just be sadistic, wouldn’t it? Or maybe just great television, forgotten lyrics and such. In any case, Cas Haley does a lovely job, just beautiful if you ask me. A little shouty, but hey, that’s just passion, right? He gets a standing ovation (like everyone else will) and the cameras cut to a shot of his buddies in the audience, who all are wearing those bright yellow Lance Armstrong “Live Strong” wristbands. By the way, wouldn’t it be much funnier if the bracelets said “Arm Strong” instead? I mean, they ARE meant to be worn on your arm after all…

How many testicles do YOU have?

Moving on… we get to see who’s called next and Carrots Julienne has never looked so dramatic. I feel like she might break out into Hamlet’s soliloquy at any moment.

“To get a makeover… or NOT to get a makeover…”

But she’s not chosen next, it’s actually Butterscotch! Yes! O.Snapp: 2 for 2. Wow, I hope they all get called in the order I chose, too. They choose “What’s Goin’ On” for her to sing, which will probably be hard to beatbox, but whatev’s. Let me tell you, our Elfin Princess is lookin’ FINE tonight in a sparkly silver dress and ringlets. Like she just dropped right outta heaven… OR RIVENDELL!!!!

Well done, Hair And Makeup. Well done.

As much of a fan of Butterscotch as I am, this is a hard song, and it’s definitely not her best performance. She doesn’t have the strongest singing voice, and I find myself shouting at the television, “BEATBOX, Baby! BEAT IT!” But she does no such thing and I am left unimpressed. This does not bode well for our Highness.

Apparently it was all on purpose because Hasselhoff says that they chose this song because “beatboxing is new to me, and new to America, and we wanted to see if you could just sing.” Um, okay. #1: Beatboxing isn’t really new. Remember back in the 20s when it was called scat? and #2: She didn’t come on the show to “just sing,” she came on to be a multi-talented SENSATION! Let the woman be, for God’s sakes! Piers, who has grown an 80s toupee since the last time I saw him, agrees with me and says he misses the beat.

Not to mention his original follicles.

To this Butterscotch mumbles a smoked-out reply that in her 2nd performance of the night we’ll see what we want. Jerry goes on and on complimenting her, wrapping it up with, “You’ve got it all!” sounding like a 1930s Broadway talent scout.

The next intermediately famous reality-tv star is… Terry Fator! Dammit! I didn’t call that one. Perhaps Terry is our wild card, and Jason Giant Forehead is next. They make him perform a fucking GARTH BROOKS song. Ugh. Isn’t this challenge a little more befitting of Country Chucky over there?

Ease up on that gel, Rodeo. Jesus Christ.

As usual, he does an eerily great job. Terry doesn’t sing much himself, he just looks reeeeallly concentrated on standing around looking casual with his hand in his pocket (which, in any other situation, would seem pretty suspect). He actually seems to hide behind his puppets sometimes, and I wonder if he ever tried to make it as a singer himself. For some reason, the only image I can conjure of him as a regular performer is in a sequined one-piece leisure suit doing a disco routine.

“I love the nightlife… I got to boogie…”

I know, that Photoshop job was AWESOME, wasn’t it? AND IN THE LAST PLACE IS………

The biggest fake-out of the season, because Jerry says, “….. IS COMING UP AFTER THE BREAK!” Thanks, bro. That was nice. I’m totally on the edge of my seat now. (If my finger on the tip of the fast-forward button counts as the edge of my seat.) When we come back from that detested break, Celery Julienne looks so young now, her real age of 14, so hopeful and sweet. As her name is called as the last finalist, she looks quite relieved and even covers her mouth rigidly as though she might be throwing up a little bit. As she collects herself, Jerry talks to all the losers about their heartbreak, and Jason Pritchett (YES! HE DIDN’T MAKE IT! CAN I GET A HELL FUCKING YEAH?!?!?!) says that from here, the only place to go is up. Well, actually, you could also go back to singing in Princess Cruise lounges. That wouldn’t be up. One more set of corny slow-mo montages leads us right into the break. After that, Julienne performs a Rascal Flatts song. Ughhhhh. Barfaroni. Hell, at least it’s not “Life Is A Highway,” am I right? She’s a little off-key, but you know they’ll love her anyway. Who doesn’t love a 14-year-old girl?

Okay, I know that was kind of funny, but what’s even funnier is the other image that came up when I Google Image Searched R. Kelly:

Dude, somebody took the time to craft that thing. Now THAT’S dedication. So what’s gonna happen next is each performer gets a chance to do one song that they chose for themselves, in a last-ditch effort to win the hearts of America and a million bucks in the process. Cas Haley is up first, and performs Stevie Wonder’s “Sir Duke,” and kicks its ass. He is so great and fun. He gives a shout-out to “Arm Strong”-wearing friend Seth, who is also wearing a shirt that says “Duttons,” which I find pretty hilarious. Does Seth wish the Vagina Clown Car act had made it too?

After Cas stutters a plea for votes, we move on to Butterscotch. She tells us she had a rough time of it as a kid and teenager in her town, but says that now that she’s found music to express herself and a way to believe in herself, she wants to “live as long as” she can and bring music to the people. Did she used to be suicidal? Hmm. In any case, this backstory section of hers actually sounds sincere and heartfelt, not written like most of the “I WANNA WIN!” declarations usually do.

Fortunately for us, in this performance she gets back to doing what she does best, which is beatboxing and looking demurely shy, though this time more confident. Surrounded by dancers and commanding the audience, she beats and sings it out of the park, never missing a step along the way. She’s a truly natural performer, even if the fireworks at the end of her act do come 10 seconds late. Say, I wonder what her real name is? Buttina Scott? Ha. Maybe it’s something totally square, like… Margaret Smith or some shit. We may never know, but she does explain that her nickname is such because she is “Smooth like butter, (wicka wicka!) hard like scotch.” God, she’s adorable.

And GOD, I wish I had hair like that.

Next, Terry Fator is up, and he tells us that he’s been doing this since he was 10 years old. Wow, he’s really been shunned by all of society for a long time, huh? Well, he’s getting the last laugh now. He’s got a 25% chance of winning a million bucks. Actually, when I put in percentages, 25% doesn’t seem like much. 1 in 4 chance sounds better. Take that, bullies! His rendition of Roy Orbison’s “Crying” is not his best ever, but he certainly is still the best ventriloquist I’ve ever seen.

Enjoy a lifetime of ridicule, kiddo.

Finally, we’re down to our last act of the night: Potatoes Julienne. I swear to Christ, every interview she does is so goddamn annoying. Yeah, WE KNOW this is your dream, WE KNOW dreams really do come true. God, I hate teenagers. To make matters even worse, she’s going to sing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow.” Fucking great, now she’ll get the teenage girl vote AND the old vote and gay vote.

She emerges onto stage from a ceiling hammock, not to be confused with a banana hammock. No, wait, it’s only cardboard crescent moon. It descends slowly down to the stage as she sings, and I find myself strangely… moved. I hate to say this, but… I actually loved her performance. She’s still too young and immature to win, but this rendition made me actually, sort of, kind of, you know… respect her. A little bit. And her extended standing ovation from the audience may very well be an indicator as to who America will choose as their winner.

This message brought to you by Dreamworks.

Well, shit. This is a hard one. I want Cas or Butterscotch to win, but I know that both Terry and Julienne have good chances as well. But how lame would it be if an underage female singer won the competition two seasons in a row? Come on, America. Don’t be so predictable. I mean, we all love Abigail Breslin, but let’s not get carried away here.

So who’d you vote for? And, more importantly, who do you think will garner the most votes (don’t forget about that pesky Midwest!)? I’m not sure how they’ll turn next week’s results show into a 2-hour extravaganza, but I am sure that I’ll be ready with my snark notebook and a good cocktail. See you on the boards!