America’s Got Leonid The Magnificent!

America’s Got Talent has officially become my summer television drug of choice. I want to be better than this show, than the Hoff, than the Reege and than Leonid the Magnificent, but I’m just not. In week two, America’s Got Talent gave us, in my opinion, one of the greatest television moments of the year with Leonid’s God rant (check it out here, but beware, there is no way of watching without ceasing from laughter). There was more than a Russian immigrant drag queen who could balance knives on his chin this week. Well, I think there was, I can’t remember anything except that, so let’s take a trip down memory lane and see what else Brandy got to check out. So this week on America’s Got Talent the judges are looking pretty snazzy. Brandy got her hair did and apparently, The Hoff has lost a button on his shirt. Even the Reege is looking pretty Summer fresh:

But let’s get straight to the talent shall we?

1. All That

They are a bunch of tap dancers from New York. They should be called STYBO’s on parade (Staten Island Blow Out?). The judges love them, but I think they are just okay – they’re totally not Lance & Justin, and by that I mean in sync. ZING! I actually think that Piers is going to agree with me because he says he doesn’t like it… BECAUSE EVERY WOMAN IN AMERICA WILL FALL FOR THEM. Umm, take a closer look, they are tap dancing sprites, they probably aren’t all that interested.

2. William J. McGowan

This painfully delusional guy from New Jersey is going to sing Cara Mia. I want this show to be crazy and exciting enough where this guy isn’t going to be as bad as you think he’ll be. But, alas, he is as bad, and then he’s worse. The best part is when the band, knowing they are on a sinking ship, start giving the song a little Techno remix. Piers tells him he is comfortably the worst singer he’s ever heard.

3. Leonid the Magnificent

I’ve never loved and hated someone so much as I simultaneously love and hate Leonid the Magnificent. Leonid is a 6 foot plus Russian Drag Queen, all dolled up in silver glitter paint and wings. Sadly, he doesn’t look all that ridicuous, cause you could crack a walnut on his abs. His talent is balancing knives and swords on his face and mouth. Umm, okay. He actually drops the sword and catches it barehanded, which causes Piers to start buzzing him off stage. Piers wonders what he can do with him besides sticking him atop his Christmas tree; Brandy likes him because he’s shiny; The Hoff was worried he was going to actually die on stage and was more nervous than excited. Leonid is voted off 2 to 1.

But this isn’t the last we’ll see of Leonid! A little later in a moment that wasn’t at all staged, Brandy asks the Reege to bring Leonid back because she has a feeling about him. Please click here to watch the whole thing because I just can’t describe it perfectly enough. After Leonid finishes crying hysterically, he tells the judges that he’s been waiting his whole life for this moment. You waited your whole life to come from Russia to be on the America’s Got Talent stage? Exactly how cold does it get in Mother Russia, Leo? And then, the best part is when he responds to Piers comment about placing him on top of a Christmas Tree. The crowd is roaring with Leonid this whole time, and then he tells Piers that to him he might belong on a Christmas Tree but to someone else he could be a God. And wtih that the crowd goes into stunned silence. Did he just say he was a God? A God of what, exactly? A God of Transvestites? It’s just so funny. Please watch. After that performance, which was way better than his sword balancing schtick, He is voted through to the next round, and happily skips off stage.

4. Elliot Zimet

Ellito Zimet is a guy who pulls birds out of strange places, which sounds kind of lame, and is, but he does it to some crazy beats. Bam! His Mic turns into a dove. Boom! His speakers turn into two doves. It’s pretty cool I guess. Piers tells him that he normally HATES dove acts, but he likes this one. I didn’t know that Dove Acts, were, like, a thing. To the next round with you!

5. Corina Brouder

So my best friend Carla told me that maybe I’d meet my next girlfriend through writing for TVgasm, and now I’m hoping she’s right, because Corina Brouder is hot in a really great hippie kind of way, and lives right in the Boogie Down Bronx. She’s also really good at playing the harp and sings Angel by Sarah McLachlan without making me want to hurl myself from my fire escape.

6. Dave Smith

Dave Smith is a controtionist (finally!) who plays the guitar and sings. It’s kinda creepy, but he’s actually better at being funny than he is at singing or cantorting. When Piers asks him why, God why, can he do that, he says, I guess I need the attenton. He’s going through.

7. PBM

PBM is a high energy rock band from Detroit that are like a Yellowcard or Fall Out Boy. They are good, but Piers correctly says that they need a new lead singer. He is kind of bland and off-key the whole time, but I can’t help liking the band in spite of myself. I hope he was just nervous, because this band could be the next band that you complain about hearing too much of on the radio. The Hoff throws a lot of Bros and Mans their way and loved them. For a second it seems like Brandy is going to agree with Piers, but totally craves to the roar of the crowd.

8. Frank Simon

Frank Simon’s talent is reminding me of my dad. Except my dad speaks way better english and can’t balance bikes and ovens on his face. But Frank is also foreign and seems like a nice guy. And he’s super excited about being on the show. He doesn’t really understand what the judges are saying, but he keeps on screaming: “CLAP FOR ME!” The audience loves him, but the judges just smile and send him on his way.

9. Matther Furhman

Matther Furhman has just gotten out of a tour of duty in Iraq, and is going to do some beatboxing. For some reason he can’t beatox with his shirt on, so he quickly loses it. Well, I guess if I looked like Mr. Furhman, I’d be typing this recap with my shirt off and a webcam on for the world to see. Unfortunately, he’s not very good, and while PIers admires his guns, he doesn’t make it through. Funnily enough, The Reege says that The Hoff used to look like Matther when he was on Baywatch. Umm…

10. Michelle L’amour

Michelle L’amour majored in Finance, but her real passion is stripping. The Hoff and Piers get all hot and bothered by her Naughty Snow White act. Brandy is digusted however, and keeps trying to reach for their buzzers. Unfortunately their buzzers are fully erect, but she gets to them before Michelle shows us her two Dwarves and poisoned apple. The Hoff and Piers are going nuts, and I wonder if you can sue celebrities for sexual harrassment if you are a contestant on a reality show. Yeah, who doesn’t love a woman stripping on national television, but I don’t buy Piers and The Hoff’s excitement over Michelle’s pasty, seond rate strip club body. I also don’t buy Brandy’s disgust with Michelle. Do I need to remind you, Moesha, that last week you voted through the world’s oldest male stripper?

11. Sideswipe

Sideswipe is a group of three guys who have all sorts of crazy Martial Arts titles between them all. My little cousins Michael and Daniel, grew up doing all this Karate mumbo jumbo competing in Karate Kid crane kick style tournaments and getting bunches of different fancy belts, so I can tell that these Sideswipe guys are pretty good. They are sharp and really, really intense, while still being fun. And I like watching people do flips. Piers thinks they are front runners in the competition.

12. Marlon Reynolds

Marlon Reynolds didn’t get out even a few bars of his song before getting the Triple-X from the judges. Best of all, I received an e-mail this week, from one of our readers, Christopher, who told me that poor Marlon was in a musical theatre production with him a few months ago, where he was the same weird off-key singer that he was on the show. This just goes to show you how REAL this REALITY TV show is!

13. Bianca Ryan

I try not to get too impressed by anything on this show, but this 11 year old girl was absolutely amazing. She came out singing (And I’m Telling You) I’m Not Going which Brandy called “the big song, mama.” This little white girl sang this song so well, it literally gave me chills. Okay, that was my air conditioner, but it was good. Incredible, actually. Yeah, she’s only 11, and she kind of oversings in places, and her stage presence is a little awkward, especially since the song is so grown up, but the power of her voice is truly astonishing. It was kind of easy to picture her as young pre-skanky Christina Aguilera. She almost brings both Brandy and The Hoff to tears, and Piers tells her to change her shoes, her dress and her hair and she’ll win this competition.

There we go another week, another chipping away at the collective intelligence and pride of the American people! How delightful!