America’s Got… Snore

Does anyone even care anymore? Sadly, I still do. So, even more sadly, there will be another installment of this recap. But I’ve made some very important, very big strides in the fight against America’s Got Talent. For one, I have realized that the “talent” in question isn’t so much the problem, as the show itself. The production values are horrible, the judging is almost as bad as American Idol and the Reege, while America’s granddaddy can;t be expected to save every moment of every show on television. You add all that up, and it should equal a cancelled Season pass on my DVR. But no, I’m too weak. Just a few more weeks, though, I promise. All I need to do is see Bianca Ryan win one million dollars, and I’ll put us all out of our misery. We check out the precursor to tonight’s semi-final round. Again 15 acts advanced to this round but only 10 will perform on stage. More importantly is three things: The Hoff in sunglasses, Brandy is all sweaty and Leonid the Magnificent is out of drag. We get an inside look at the choosing of the top 10, and Brandy says something about credibility. Pumpkin, you’re second chair on a Gong Show rip-off hosted by Regis Philbin. Credibility is a parasail glide and rocket ship launch away for your seat next to The Hoff.

1. Dave the Horn Guy
What!?!?! I’m probably not going to get to see if rocking, but off-tune PBM got themselves together so I can watch Dave the Horn Guy!?!?! After Piers’ lukewarm reaction to Dave the first time, I get the feeling they put him through again, just so Piers can have something nasty to say. And boy am I right! Even though Dave pulled out all the stops, and by stops I mean the “Star Spangled Banner” and confetti. Piers thinks he’s the most annoying thing he’s ever seen. Props to Dave THG for taking it so well, though. I guess when your profession is “horn guy” you are get used to rejection.

2. Realis
We didn’t see Realis in the audition round, but they are an acrobatic, Cirque Du Soleil rip off. It’s pretty neat when the guy tosses and catches his 65 pound partner, or when they do their crazy power moves. But I don’t think it’s worth a million dollars. They are no better or worse than anything you can see at any circus in the country at any time. Or a really good porn for that matter. The judges love them however.

3. At Last
At Last, the Asian singing group from audition put on another great show, this time singing “Let’s Stay Together”.” Props to anyone who brings Al Green into the limelight. I think they should win solely for denying their parents’ wishes of becoming the next generation of dentists. And the world could use a few more Asian celebrities, besides Lucy Liu and the guy who played the principal on Family Matters (second Family Matters recp reference in 12 hours – weird). The judges heap deserving praise (the guy in the plaid fedora is particularly nasty), and the Hoff goes so far as to say that no one can beat them. Umm, Bianca Ryan ? She’ll sing their faces off.

4. Natasha Le
Natasha is an eight year old piano prodigy with the world’s cutest mom. We didn’t get the chance to see her at auditions where she apparently made a few mistakes, but the judges didn’t want to crush a little girl’s heart so they put her through. She does a great job to the best of my limited knowledge, although I’m not particularly moved. All I keep thinking is how I can’t wait to torture my kids by making them take piano lessons. The judges give her good marks, based on the fact that she’s cute more than anything else, and the Hoff is particularly condescending. Anyone’s who has Baywatch or talking car on their resume, should probably hop off their high horse.

5. Vladimir
Vladimir really impressed me last time he performed, because he’s not the biggest guy in the world, but he does some crazy power moves. Much like Peter Parker, he has the proportional strength of a spider, and that I can respect. We learn that what he does is actually called hand balancing. Three weeks ago he did this crazy stuff on two poles but this time he’s rocking a seven foot pyramid. Only problem – he’s scared of heights! Zoinks! It’s all well and good, but definitely a step back from his last performance. The judges are under whelmed, and Piers calls Vlad a gymnast, which is like calling your restaurant server a waitress. Believe me, it’s bad.

6. Bobby Badfingers
I’m not on the Bobby Badfingers bandwagon, unlike many people. Well, not many, cause only 4 people are watching this show, so unlike 75% of other people. Last time his snapping made my joints hurt, now his whole act just made my head hurt. He didn’t do that much snapping, but rather spun his hands about like crazy to “Conga” by Gloria Estefan like the world’s most amped up wedding performer. The judges like him but not the performance. Piers admits that like Dave the Horn Guy, he should loathe Bobby, but he doesn’t. He compares him to another one of his guilty pleasures, Baywatch, and seems almost oblivious that this might offend the Hoff.

7. Sugar and Spice
Okay, I’m going to try to get through this with some dignity, but I hated everything about this act. Every. Second. Of. It. I know that these girls are part of a huge family, and don’t have a lot of money and blah blah blah. That’s no reason for 7 girls under the age of 13 to be allowed to make us sit through 2 minutes of the most inane rendition of “We Are Family” ever. Cute is not a talent. Cute is a phase. This coupled with the experience I had seeing The Lion King on Broadway a few weeks ago has made my precocious kid tolerance reach an all-time low. Stay out of my path, Dakota Fanning. The Hoff gives them a check, because they are sweet. Piers gives them a check, because he has a soft spot for sweet, cheeky little girls. Brandy, however, has to give them an X, because they suck hard! I knew there was a reason I stood by you all these years Moesha.

8. N’Versity
I’m glad N’Versity gets called up to perform – they really want this. Every time the camera pans the crowd these three girls are huddled together holding hands and praying to get the call. It’s sweet. They have an annoying handshake, but I let it slide – the girls can really sing. I don’t know how exciting and dynamic it is, but they have nice voices. Brandy agrees, but doesn’t dig their lack of chemistry. She’s really being tough tonight, but honest and helpful. Let’s give Randy Jackson the boot and put Brandy in his place on this new season of American Idol. A couple more surgeries and Randy Jackson is going to turn into Brandy anyway, so no one would even notice. Piers and The Hoff couldn’t disagree more. They think they are great. The Hoff ogles their underage bodies, and it’s painfully creepy. Brandy again chimes in that what they are wearing is completely inappropriate. Score more points for Brandy, for trying to encourage young girls not to act like Paris Hilton to get famous. I won’t however, bring up the fact that she got knocked up out of wedlock and had a sham marriage for two years. Because that would be wrong.

9. Mark the Knife
Get it, like Mack the Knife? But with Mark? I didn’t get it until just now. TV really does make you stupid. The world’s most dangerous comic follows up his last flaming knife laden bowling ball/Scorpion down the pants trick with the act that got him banned in 3 countries. He is going to balance a running lawnmower on his face while having people throw lettuce into it. Yawn. I feel like Johnny Knoxville must have done something similar to this a few years ago on Jackass. Look, if crazy was the new funny, TVgasm would be getting all excited about the new Courtney Love sitcom this fall.

10. Leonid the Magnificent
Brother’s out of drag, and with that the mystery is gone. Now instead of dressing like an angel, he is dressed like a circus act who plays in a large cube. It’s boring and all the novelty the guy had has completely diminished. It’s funny – people use the term 15 minutes of fame so loosely nowadays, and here it is completely relating to someone. I think Leonid had literally 15 minutes of fame. Good for you!

Nyet.

The judges are supposed to decide tonight on who their pick is but there is a standstill. The Hoff and Brandy vs. Piers. Piers doesn’t want the show to turn into American Idol and only have musical acts go through to the finals. This kind of destroys the mystery as to who they are fighting over. The Hoff and Brandy want All That and Piers probably is rooting for Realis. They say they’ll make their decision on tomorrow’s results show, when the audience winner is revealed.

I’m sorry but I just couldn’t sit through an hour long result show. Thank God for the invention of the DVR. The judges pick is revealed to be Realis (Piers wins!). The top 2 audience vote getters are At Last and Natasha Le. In the end, it’s At Last that are put through to the finals, stomping on the eight year old girls dreams. Yay!

Alright one more week, until Bianca Ryan takes over the world! Anyone care? Didn’t think so.