Welcome back to another night of America’s Got Talent, and Hopefully Another Susan Boyle. Tonight we resume our search for more talent, more terrible acts
that will be far more entertaining than the talented ones, and another moment to compete with the little kids singing “God Bless America” for Most
Nauseatingly Sweet Act. Fortunately, our crack team of judges and your favorite recapper are back to guide you through this harrowing process.
Unfortunately, we’re stuck with another night of Nick Cannon, who once again is out to show us why the show is not called America’s Hosts Got Talent.
Enough wandering intro, let’s start the show!
Cannon welcomes us to “The Greatest Talent Show on Earth,” and while I will agree it’s probably better than the one we used to have at my elementary school, how many talent shows are out there, really? After the main titles, Nick welcomes us AGAIN (talk about your short-term memory) to the show that takes ordinary people with talent and transforms them forever. It basically tears them down and eliminates what remains of their self-esteem, except for the one that it catapults into unwanted fame and nervous breakdowns, but we can forgive Nick for not knowing what happens to famous people.
I tried to stop watching this show, but I couldn’t kick the habit! HAHAHA.
So we’re still in Seattle (and after flipping us New York, Seattle, New York, Seattle the producers really need to make up their goddamn minds) and we’re ready for the contestants to face “the toughest crowd in America.” A panel of TVgasm recappers? No, it’s just the friendly citizens of the Pacific Northwest, who settled in for a long day of destroying dreams. A quick introduction for our three judges (what, no push-ups, Hoff?) and we’re ready to go!
Suddenly, very mellow music plays and Nick switches to his Very Special Episode voice to remind us that this competition can give a second chance to those who have given up on their dreams while the editors play Russian Roulette with the contestants and force us to guess which gentle-looking hopeful Nick is talking about. Turns out it’s a stay-at-home mom who likes to sing while doing basic chores, so she’s basically Maria Von Trapp: The Later Years. Confirming my suspicions and making me feel kind of cheap for making the same comparison as the producers, we get “Edelweiss” played in the background as she tells us how her children have inspired her to follow her dream and sing.
Somewhere in their youth or childhood…
But then! Our darling housewife comes to perform dressed in black leather, a spiked collar, and what I hope to God is supposed to be a cat tail. Oh, you crafty producers! I was ready for Julie Andrews, and instead I get Britanny Andrews. But it’s the twenty-first century and I’m open-minded, let’s see what OH GOD SHE HAS A RIDING CROP. She does a little yodel and talks about pain, then begins to yodel more. Surprisingly, she isn’t bad and the crowd seems to like her. Nick, angry that she has already shown more personality AND talent then him, calls her oddly entertaining and proclaims that she could spank him anytime. Entertainment-wise, I think she just did, Nick. Piers calls her a “giant, yodeling, dominatrix,” which I’m sure will make her children very proud, and Sharon can’t stop laughing. Our dominatrix gets three “yahs” and is on to the next round. And honestly, she’s the best suited to Vegas so far.
Anyone have experience with a dominatrix?
Seemingly only to show that I spoke too soon, the next act is entirely composed of weird, robotic things. Oh, sorry, that’s the judges’ panel. Hey-oh! But in all seriousness, the act is robots which Nick proclaims is “hot.” Thanks Nick, why don’t you head over to another channel and try to be Paris Hilton’s BFF, k? The robots dance and play musical instruments, but besides being guys in cool suits don’t really have any talent. David Hasselhoff can sympathize and the judges vote them through anyway, and we keep moving at a rapid pace.
America be entertained by robots? It’ll never work.
Up next is Tom, some old guy that proceeds to flip a sign from “Closed” to “Open.” Thanks Tom, but we need more than basic retail skills. Unless you have a robot or dominatrix suit? Tom says he’s just “doing his thing,” then straightens out some curved rope and starts dancing. This delights Nick to no end because he has the mentality of a third-grader. Tom then makes balls appear in his mouth (damnit, and here I am already having used up my Paris Hilton quota) and to keep with the theme of our rapid montage, Tom will be joining the robots and the housewife in Vegas. Today’s theme is obviously “Unexpected People Perform Mediocre Talents, Get Voted Through” as Tom is followed by some precocious young girls in a band called G-Force, who really can’t sing at all. Sharon is clearly excited to keep the pool of young girls she can feud with as deep as possible and welcomes them to Las Vegas.
Let’s try to name all of the problems these girls will have in the next ten years.
After the break, we meet Rafael, the “no shoes, singing bouncer.” He does an extremely high-pitched rendition of “Last Dance,” and he better be careful because we haven’t come CLOSE to meeting our reject quota tonight. Yep, he quickly turns from semi-quirky to annoyingly bad. Seriously, if he were on American Idol he’d be dead by now. Sharon and David dance to his song (adding ANOTHER name to the list of people Ozzy needs to cut) and Rafael finishes his painful number with an equally-painful split. Everyone takes a second and makes sure to laugh at Nick’s hilarious joke about his own crotch hurting. Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle. A la Scooter from The Muppet Show, I’d be willing to bet that Nick’s uncle owns the theater. Sharon asks what they should do about Rafael, and the audience responds by booing loudly. Sharon for some reason votes yes (?) but the boys shoot him down and we bounce the bouncer. Nick congratulates Rafael and still wants to talk about the splits. Rafael tells him he’s been doing it all his life, and suddenly his high-pitched singing is less of a mystery. So…I guess the first productive interview Nick has ever had.
This man is not amused.
Prostituting themselves next for NBC are some adorable young dancers, and what the hell is this, Self-Esteem Night? I want rejection, damnit, and not just to for some creepy bouncer. The kids are Eric and Rickie, eight-year old dance partners who have been dancing since they were four. Rickie jokes that she’s sick of Eric, or maybe that’s just the beginning of the passionate love/hate relationship that will probably destroy their lives showing. He says she’s one of the coolest girls he knows, and she responds by complaining that sometimes he steps on her toes. And wow, that’s every relationship I’ve ever had nicely summarized in one line. They deny like-liking each other, even despite the efforts of our intrepid Nick Cannon, but are still curiously holding hands. Oh, America’s Got Talent, your editing will surely scar them socially for years to come.
It took Holly Madison HOW LONG to learn these things?
They finally take the stage and never fear, after eight seasons of Dancing With The Stars I feel qualified to identify this dance as a “jive.” No need to thank me, it’s just a good thing I was here. Eric rips off his shirt, which makes me very uncomfortable, and after they finishing putting about 75 D-list celebrities to shame, Sharon puts on her Len Goodman hat to tell them that it was well done and she can see they love dancing together. Hoff tells them that they are what the show is about, and he really needs to make up his mind because he throws this phrase around a lot. Is it about Eric and Rickie? Is it about black kids singing “God Bless America?” Is it about awkwardly dancing with Sharon Osbourne? Decide, David! But Piers has had enough of this hippie feel-good crap, and tells them that the comments don’t mean anything and they still need to vote (which show are you watching, Morgan?). Hoff and Sharon give a big screw-you to Piers’ attempt to create drama and both vote yes, sending our favorite doomed relationship onward. Nick Cannon tries to get the two to jump around like an idiot with him, but unfortunately they’re just a bit too mature for him. They celebrate with their stage parents as we head to another break.
Carre Ann Inaba!
This time we’re in Miami (so we thankfully don’t need to hear Nick Cannon say “Pacific Northwest” anymore) and our host is trying his hand at some Miami Vice humor. I don’t know, before my time. He boats off into the distance (and hopefully Cuba) and we’re ready for some Miami talent. First up is Jennifer, and judging from the Pick Panther background music her talent is killing Steve Martin’s career. She’s got a really ominous suitcase and way too much eyeshadow, so right now she’s seeming just quirky enough for this show. She says her act is self-taugh, and consists of what comes out of her mind and body. So basically if this is what I think it is we’re all going to owe her $60 in an hour and someone should probably run out for cigarettes. She hauls her suitcase out onto the stage and tells Piers she’s here to show him something different, and they hand the stage over to her. She starts out with a little sexy-type dance (not exactly groudbreaking) but she keeps looking at the suitcase and doing a damn good job of building suspense. I usually stay pretty distances from these people and these acts, but right now I HAVE to know what’s in this goddamn bag. An eerily life-like dummy? Her plan to rebuild the economy? Jerry Springer to rescue us all from this Nick-nightmare?
She’s having problems taking her shoes off and people are calling for Xs and SHE HAD BETTER OPEN THIS THING BEFORE THEY WHEEL HER AWAY. So she finally opens it and it’s just this girl that sort of looks like her and is dressed the same, and they do a really lame dance. Did the girl stay in the suitcase all day? Like in those pretapes, was she in there? What would their Vegas act be, her squeezing into differently-sized containers? I have so many questions about this act. Mercifully, Sharon and David buzz them to a chorus of loud boos. David tells them it was the worst act they’ve seen on the show (yeah! A dark turn for the formerly “we’ll take anyone” episode). She justifies herself by saying it’s not easy to fit in a suitcase, and while this is true it’s not exactly a talent. It’s not easy to listen to Nick butcher comedy every night, but we ain’t sending every viewer to Vegas. They give her three nos and she packs up the other girl in pink and presumably wheels her away.
It’s time for illusionist Drew and his wife Rebecca. Drew met Rebecca in a coffe shop and wins the award for “Most Resemblence to a Character on The Sims.” They’ve brought their baby with them and Rebecca says this is her return debut to the stage. He bitches about having to serve coffee and bag groceries to support his illusionist lifestyle, and once again puts himself in the running for a coveted Hasselhoff “You’re What This Show Is All About” award by reemphasizing his dreams of performing. Once he takes the stage, he starts his act by opening some boxes to some generic magician music and then makes some people (animals? Jennifer and the chick from the suitcase?) appear under canvases to the crowd’s delight. It turns out it’s too really skanky-looking girls in boots and miniskirts (who I’m sure Rebecca has beat the hell out of at least once) and they reveal themselves as Drew makes himself disappear in the original box. BUT THEN! He’s with Rebecca under another canvas! This seems cool at all, but if he wants to play with the big boys in Vegas he’s gonna need to up his game. Hasselhoff is excited that they finally have a worthy magician (and you can see Drew cringe at his hopes of an “illusionist” label are dashed) but Sharon makes it up to him by calling him the best illusionist she has ever seen. Really Sharon? Do you ever take a break from appearing on TV to actually watch TV? Piers tells him he has a good chance at winning, and he will officially be in Vegas for Round 2. Drew celebrates with a tearful Rebecca and the skanks who will probably be replaced by Round 2, and we’re off to another break.
It’s an illusion! A trick is something a whore does for money. Or candy.
Coming back we get some hot sisters dressed all in white. They’re identical triplets born in Poland, and because Piers and David have the majority on Sharon we know right now that they are Vegas-bound. They have the kind of accents that teeter dramatically between attractive and annoying, and they become infinitely more interesting when two of them have a fight during their interview video. Right away Hoff is well representing my gender by hooting loudly at the three Polish girls and the girls well represent their gender by continuing to speak all at the same time to answer the judges’ questions. The name of their group is Alizma (which I fully admit to waiting to mention until I saw the spelling) and they plan to sing and play the violin for the judges. The three do a really impressive “Devil Went Down To Georgia,” at least on the violins. The singing isn’t great, but my Y chromosome forces me to overlook that. After the performance but before the judging, the girls show us that this is not their first rodeo by jumping up and down and kissing each other, and then changing into their underwear for a pillowfight. Piers remains my homeboy by pointing out that they should stop singing and stick with the violins, but then loses those valuable recapper points by AGAIN randomly throughly “literally” into the middle of a sentence where it does not belong. The girls all talk through this criticism again, and after Hoff’s resounding yes and Piers’ hesitant one they’re going on! And they have to visit Piers in his dressing room after the show, but I’m sure that’s just about logistics. Sharon tells them not to blow it (which juxtaposes really well with the last joke I made) and they’re off to fight in Polish and ignore Nick, which is my idea of a perfect date.
I know all about triplets who have problems taking turns (WINK).
Another break, and now it’s Janifer from Georgia who talkes WAY too soft. She’s a dancer who this video package would lead us to believe is really gentle and emotional, but I’ve been hurt by America’s Got Talent editors too many times before. See: Dominatrix housewife. She giggles about not actually breaking a leg (yeah, I guess that was funny in the second grade) and heads on out to the stage DRESSED LIKE A WHORE! I totally called it! Oh, man, you guys would be so lost without me. There is no Janifer, only “Nubian Beauty” and she’s ready to do some African Bohemian dance. She says she can’t absolutely win, Nick makes an off-color joke that isn’t even funny, it’s like every contestant ever and let’s get started. She starts by getting on the ground and jutting out her breasts (if I had nickel for every time I’ve written THAT sentence before) and then moves to all fours. The audience is booing loudly and hey, I think I’ve seen her in a different “audition” show, except it cost me $10 on one of those higher-numbered channels. There’s a lot of gyrating and stereotypical “African” dancing, and she’s really doing a great disservice to all of her people that are making such strides in today’s society. By which I mean those “God Bless America” kids we saw yesterday. I think she’s the first of the evening to get three Xs, and Piers gently tells her she is not what they are looking for. She argues and pleads for yes votes, but is dismissed from the stage.
This is eerily similar to a dream I had after the two-hour premeire.
This family puts on a “performance show” dressed in these weird costumes and are quickly buzzed out. They signal the beginning of our “failure montage” which also includes a guy wearing both drag AND two manequins, clowns that are buzzed in the first seconds of their act, and Nick Cannon. YOU BELONG IN THIS MONTAGE, NICK. Some guy who balances buckets is rightfully riduculed by David for covering the buckets in a blanket and then dismissed with three Xs, and we’re ready for the final break.
I’m sorry, we’ve selected our feel-good dance couple.
I’m sorry, we’ve selected our feel-good dance couple.
We’re in the last five minutes, and as veteran (one-time) America’s Got Talent watchers can tell you it’s time for the feel-good ending. Today it’s some thirteen-year old, and Jesus Christ he’s gonna play every card he’s got. Arcadian Broad’s never picked for sports, he’s not good enough for anything, he’s bullied all the time, he has no confidence, the Polish girls rejected his advances. But now he found dance, and he loves it and has confidence and if he gets three Xs I swear I will watch America’s Got Talent for the rest of my life. Arcadian tells Sharon he’s going to dance for them, and he finally takes the stage for his act. He busts some decent moves, but because we’re at our special ending the crowd goes nuts. Mom and sister celebrate not having to leave Arcadian behind as an embarassment, and Sharon lectures him on his God-given talent (irony levels are high). The judges agree he was great and he gets three yeses, then proceeds to dance around the stage and show us that his bullying isn’t entirely unwarranted. He weeps backstage about finally getting to live his dream and we’re done for another night.
I can’t believe we convinced him he’s a good dancer!
What did we think? Is he as heartwarming as the Voices of Glory? Did the Polish sisters do it for you? Can anyone beat my EriAm sisters?
Much like Hasselhoff, I’m skeptical.