America’s Got Talent: There Are No Losers On AGT. Except For Seven Of The Acts. And The Viewers.

Like the geeky freshman that just wants to fit in, America’s Got Talent has offically added a result show so that it can hang out and smoke with American Idol and Dancing with the Stars. Samantha Harris is the only reason to watch those result shows, and because Nick even fails at faily comically, I don’t have a great feeling about this hour of television.Why does Nick always open the show from some random part of the theater? Usually the camera pans away and he’s in Sharon’s lap or something, but it’s still a really weird tease. Anyway, AGT is trying to save a few bucks on the lighting and Nick welcomes us under what appears to be a moderately-strong flashlight. So there’s a recap of everything that we saw not twenty-four hours ago, and it’s time to pick the five that are advancing.

In a half-assed imitation of the “Live! From Hollywood! This is Dancing! With! The! Stars!” guy, some techie mumbles an opening. Nick does some more recapping (leave it to the pros, Cannon) and then we get an extended montage of what happened last night. But wait, you might be screaming, you already said there was a recap of last night! Well get used to it, AGT viewers, because I have a feeling I should [ctrl] + [c] that phrase right now. Nick, in all his intrepid journalistic splendor, says he wants to address Acro-gate. For those of you non-Washington-insider types, Piers insinuated that Arcodunk missed their final basket last night. This was wholeheartedly denied by the dunkers, but who can we trust? Nick reveals that he played basketball with Piers recently (and there’s at least six figures for anyone who emails me a tape of that) before running the tape.

The cameras did that weird twisty thing and ruined any possibility of verification from the angle we saw, but luckily we have another camera. And he did make the dunk! Piers was wrong! Aren’t you glad we spent your valuable time on this highly significant point?

So Piers owes Sharon and David money and now we get to welcome in the whole crew. Nick does this really annoying thing where he puts intense emphasis on the last syllable in their name (Manuela HORN! AcroDUNK! Thia MeghiA!) and everyone gets some cheers. Here’s the first valuable info Nick has ever given us- (given US!) the votes pick the top four, then the judges fill in the last spot. And now (at ten minutes in) we’re ready for some results. Acrodunk and Breaksk8 are called forward and there’s a summary (surprise, surprise) of what the judges said about each of them. Nick says that only one of them is safe, and not shockingly, it’s Acrodunk. They celebrate as Breaksk8 tries to be good losers. Unfortunately for us, they succeed. Alright, one stupidly-named, letters+numbers group out! Acrodunk makes fun of Piers for doubting their dunk, and Piers praises the danger and excitement of what they do. I’m still suspecting that they might run out of gas next round or the round after. Which will be in about ten years, knowing this show.

So after the first break, Nick reminds us that we have talent from every corner of America (specifically LA, New York, and Chicago) and on that somewhat-related note we welcome the Season 2 winner, who signed a 100-million dollar (!!!) Vegas contract. He’s apparently the most successful reality TV contestant of all time. I guess it’s hard to argue with 100 million dollars, but I would still make a strong case for Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

So he sings with a dummy, but then Nick sits back down. Hi-oh! It’s singing + ventriloquism, and it’s mildly entertaining. The guy’s got talent, that’s for sure. So remember audience, we did it once. It’s not impossible we’ll do it again. Just highly improbable. We get a quick look back into the “Orville Lounge,” where last night’s acts relaxed in a hideously-painted space roughly the size of a closet.

The next three acts we’re putting head-to-head are the Houston dancers, Drew Thomas Magic, and Manuela Horn. C’mon Manuela! Don’t stick us with the pajama parties and insufferably-long magic acts! Again, Nick says that only one of them was voted on, and I’m thinking Drew is the clear favorite. Because Nick didn’t emphasis that he was revealing the name of an act that was eliminated, everyone cheers when he calls the Houston Dance Team, then quickly shifts to booing when the sad music plays. Way to waste our time, Cowell. Nick awkwardly hugs them and they’re out. Drew or Manuela? The act moving on is…Drew Thomas Magic! My girl Manuela is out of the game, and we’re keeping our magic act. Drew says he wasn’t certain that he would be here so he’s shocked, and the judges boost his ego some more.

Next to step up, in the most lopsided match-up we’ve seen, is Kevin v. Mosaic. It’s almost like a Susan Boyle/Diversity rematch, except we aren’t morons like the British. No one is even remotely surprised when Kevin is called and Mosaic gives a standard too-bad speech that they probably had already written earlier today. Nick asks Kevin a question “between you and I” while shoving a microphone in his face and once again David openly mocks Kevin’s accent. But you know, in a nice way.

Up next is the Mariah Carey performance, and please note that Mariah is the SECOND act of the night. Behind the reality TV show winner. Also, does anyone else think she hooked up with Nick Cannon just to get this gig and will be able to divorce him as soon as the show ends? It’s the only explanation I can come up with, TVGasm readers. Nick proves to us that he doesn’t actually listen to Mariah’s lyrics by claiming that “Obsessed” is about him, and the two embrace in a vomit-inducing bout of romance. Nick gives us some questionable statistics about Mariah’s success, and then the two literally play “no, YOU’RE the best” for like five minutes on air. Nothing that Elysia does in her entire remaining time on this show will be as absolutely awful as what we just witnessed. And I HATE Elysia.

Out of filler, the producers are forced to give us more results to kill air time until we can plug Orville and K-Mart again. The Diva League, the Platt Brothers, and Grandma Lee are all called forward, and gee, I wonder which act it will be. The next act to go home is the Platt Brothers, and they continue an annoying theme of being highly gracious losers. Give me Kelly’s breakdown and elevator bitching any day of the week.

So the Diva League is out next and Grandma Lee starts to cry as she advances. The audience loudly chants her name, and c’mon people, she isn’t THAT talented. This is why DWTS is the perfect competition show: they have scores to balance out the nutcases at home. It’s the difference between a democracy and a republic, really.The Divas don’t get to talk because that would mean less time to fawn over Grandma Lee, and she’s off to chill in that closest with the other winners.

Nick tells us that the four acts already named were the top four, and Arcadian and Thia came in fifth and six. So now the judges get to pick, which is kind of a fun twist. “Three judges. Two performers. ONE SURVIVOR.” Nick yells from the side of a helicopter, which then tilts back and flies away, deep into jungle.

Piers says he needs to vote on who has progressed the most (uh, or maybe talent, Piers? It’s not America’s Got A Steady Learning Curve). Because of the piano-playing, he has to vote for Thia. And I LOVE that that has come back to bite Arcadian in the ass. Thia 1, Arcadian 0. Sharon says they both represent America’s youth, which means that you’re either a pretentious bullied kid or a bland NorCal girl with a great voice, kids. Sharon follows her heart and the basic rules of reality TV voting and gives it to Arcadian, so now it’s 1-1.

And all up to David! Who’s what this show is all about, Hoff? Make the call! David switches into serious mode and tells them that they’ll both go a long way, and as the credits begin to roll he votes Arcadian. Annnnnnnd the O/H Alliance has struck again. Bump the good voice in favor of the kid with heart. Poor Piers.

So your recapper got 4/5, which ain’t bad at all. Who deserved it? Who was wronged? Who was sickened by Carey-Cannon lovefest?