America’s Got Talent: In Which Kelly Does Not Appear, But Is Vindicated

So tonight the quarterfinals officially come to again. We get to sit through all these acts AGAIN in the semifinals, and then once more in the finals. Let’s just give Kevin Skinner a million dollars and go home.Ah, America’s Got Talent. Is there any show that can take the excitement and unpredictability of a live talent show and make it as predictable as you can? Hell, even Dancing with the Stars has bright outfits and Samantha Harris to keep us guessing during the commercial breaks. And while the ten minutes of actual performing during your two hour show tend to be pretty exciting, I’m beginning to feel as if I could recap this show without watching it. But for the sake of the readers, I will play along. Or so you think…

So we get our standard quick summary of who’s performing tonight (except in the case of Recycled Percussion, where they just replay the two seconds of their act that we saw in the prelims) and then it’s time to name the Wild Cards. And oh, the Wild Cards. Tonight, we are graced by such memorable names as Drew Stevyns and, wait for it, The Lollipop Girls.

Words cannot express my disappointment that every single Wild Card pick has essentially been a waste. Now, I never really expected Ciana to get a Wild Card spot. That was just a beautiful, beautiful dream, along with the ones where Piers is the only judge and Nick Cannon gets Swine Flu. But no Kelly? Seriously? One of the first rules of reality TV is that crazy must be given as much screen time as possible, and after the Elevator Meltdown of 09 I’m not sure how it isn’t great TV to give her another shot, and on the same night as that snot-nosed teen that took her spot. So, again I ask. Seriously, AGT?

Nick strikes some dumb poses and the judges have an over-the-top intro. I know, tell me something I don’t know, right? In other news, what’s up with Nick’s outfit?

I love how stereotypical the judges are tonight, almost as if they’ve been reading my recaps and have decided to portray charicatures of themselves this evening. Piers monotones about how dramatic tonight is and how tense the evening will be, Sharon makes air-kisses and literally attempts to fondle Nick from the Judges’ Desk, and the pretense of actually asking David questions falls away and we just let him make puns out of his name: “Hoffiously, I feel great. I’ve had several cups of Hoffee. I live in the United States Hoff America. If the acts are Hofful I will buzz them Hoff, and I have one thing to say to them all: MazelHoff!” This is the highest-rated show in America, people. All I can add is GThofFo, David.

First up tonight is Isharra, the Bollywood dance group. I think that their popularity is likely inversely proportional to the number of months since Slumdog Millionaire was released, so it’s good that they’re going first. They say that they’re all first-generation Indian-American and I have a hard time taking this at face value.

Nick kicks off the Cannon Drinking Game Counter by asking us to “make that noise” for Isharra, who then do a really cool dance number. There’s some vocals, but they’re of the weird voice-over variety. It’s set to some of the bouncy Bollywood music and their choreography is energetic enough to mask it’s routineness, so definitely an entertaining act.

Piers attempts to colonize them (kidding! remember, there are no offensive things you can say about the British) and says that he can’t take his eyes off the blond. As with so many things, Piers. And might I add, RACIST. Sharon credits their uniquness (ACCORDIAN LADY) and David tries to make a Bollywood/Baywatch joke that fails miserably. Also, Nick calls him “Hoff Daddy Fresh.” I just don’t know what to say about him that would insult him any further than he already does himself.

Up next is Barbara who you might remember as the housewife. That sings opera. And had cancer. But made a recovery. And then adopted a kid. Basically, she just sucked up the backstory of everyone she was sitting next to at the audition. Sort of the Rogue of the AGT world. If AGT was comparable with X-Men. And I’m trying my damnedest.

So Barbara has the traditional Susan Boyle stage set-up with the dramatic lighting and ubiquitious AGT fog, and she proceeds to sing beautifully, as usual. I really wish that she and Lawrence would go star in their own Broadway play or something, because I hate having to put up with Jeffrey and Coney Island Chris to get to talent like this. She finishes with an unbelievable high note that brings the judges to their feet.

Barbara thanks the AGT crew (which I am including myself in, so you’re welcome Babs!) and Sharon calls her a star. Which is high praise for someone not a male from Sharon. David quotes some fortune cookies about being where you are, and Piers says that Barbara is what the show was built for. So…SHE’S WHAT THE SHOW IS ALL ABOUT? It basically took Piers five minutes to use David’s catchphrase in a really roundabout way.

So next is Pam Martin. Now, I remember her story being all about how her husband died and her dog was her only friend, and now we find out she’s basically a professional dog dancer. I feel like we’ve been scammed, AGT viewers. I also feel like if she lives her life as a professional dog dancer, she deserves to scam a national TV show now and then.

Tonight she’s dancing with Spy, and I just feel really bad because I know that they’re going to get buzzed. And not in the good way, readers. She has the stage set up in a cutesy adaption-agency theme, which only makes me love her and pity her more. Basically it sucks that I like her as a person because I spend the whole act uncomfortable that Piers is going to buzz her and she’ll start crying and drown all of her dogs and then drive off a cliff. But apparently my fears are unfounded, because despite what I think is a pretty lackluster dance number she goes Xless.

David says that Pam should go win some other competition cause she ain’t winning this one, but in a nice way, and Piers says that he really wanted to buzz them tonight but they did an excellent job. I knew you were thinking about it, Morgan. Sharon says the dog was incredible and that she has sixteen dogs at home that pee on the curtains. Pam says that she can help with fifteen but Sharon is on her own with Ozzy.

Nick plugs the show that we haven’t even chosen yet and promises that other people will be performing besides the loser we will inevitably pick, then introduces the African High Flyers. They started performing in Kenya, which is a cool story, and they say that the stage is a lot different than the sand that they usually perform in. Nick raises the “make that noise” count to two.

Their act is entertaining, but almost exactly the same as their audition. Not to repeat a joke (in the same recap, anyway) but they really are like a Diet version of Acrodunk. Things get better when they bring out a flaming baton and start to limbo under it, but it’s not enough to save themseleves from Piers’ first X of the night.

Piers starts by telling the High Flyers that they’re not as good as Barbara, which is funny because 1.) I bet everyone hates her now and 2.) It implies Pam Martin was just as good as Barbara. Sharon agrees that they didn’t add enough that was new, but David is never one to turn down a good backstory and he says he loves them and their American Dream lifestyle. It must be really frustrating to get voted through in the prelims, then be informed now that your act isn’t variable enough to win. I thought that was what sweeping people under the rug in the Vegas Verdicts was for.

Next is Mia, otherwise known as the Kelly-Killer. We get a replay of her voted through which is noticeably absent any awesome Kelly footage. She talks about making it further than last year, blah, blah, blah, all I hear is the Kelly we could have right now. A replay of her meltdown? A declaration of redemption? Her last shot with EVERYTHING ON THE LINE? I hate you, Simon Cowell.

Mia cries that she’s fat (I’m so past being nice with her) and now she gets to sing. Not only has she gone the way of EVERY OTHER act that needs some variety and grabbed a piano, she’s also equipped it with ridiculous candleabras. She does an OK rendition of “Hallelejia,” but, you know, I can’t like it. KELLY.

Sharon compliments her singing and says it’s ok that Mia is fat (KELLY) and again talks about her uniqueness. It’s like she WANTS me to put Accordian Lady on every recap. David says something about when Mia “started this competition several years ago,” and I’m just so afraid the bosses at TVGasm will be saying that to me about AGT in 2011. Piers says honestly that she’s not as good as the other singers, but Mia says she’s good enough. Yeah, because you’re the one sitting next to Sharon Osbourne and with your hand on a big X.

They want us to preregister for Season 5 auditions. I have a minor heart attack.

Erik and Ricky get the Kmart Question tonight, and again I’m sad it wasn’t used to force the EriAm sisters into acknowledging me. Tonight “Oliver” wants to know what the kids will do with the million dollars, and Ricky says that she would help her grandparents move and buy new phones. Erik would go to Italy. Well, color me informed, I suppose.

Ricky talks about how much she likes Erik as a friend while Erik’s heart breaks silently. They talk about how big the performance is tonight (with lifts? What would Carrie Ann say?) and then they begin their Paso Doble. After eight seasons of Dancing with the Stars, I feel qualified to tell you that this is a very good Paso Doble. Sure, it’s no Drew Lachey/Cheryl Burke “Thriller” number, but still better than anything Holly Madison did.

David says that they’re little and he mistook a light for one of them, which is actually really mean, and then says that they were great. Oh, man, I bet Ricky could kick Eleisha’s ass if it came to that. Piers asks if Erik has been practicing, continuing his tradition of singling out individuals and fostering hostility within the group. Sharon agrees they did great and offers them $20 to teach her daughter that routine in the next four weeks.

So now it’s time for Coney Island Chris, the act that most makes me think that the judges voted through one or two acts each night for the sole purpose of buzzing them. This was the guy that ate the lightbulb, so now you’re caught up. Piers says he wants to be horrified tonight. Just log in to the NBC website and see an episode run-time of 85 minutes, Piers, it always works for me.

Chris comes out and behaves a lot like the uncle you wish wouldn’t come to those family gatherings. He pours some gasoline everywhere (that same uncle when times get tough) and then lights his tongue on fire. Sharon and Piers X him immediately. C’mon, David, hang in there, I’m sure it gets better! He then, uh, blows a fireball. And then sets himself on fire. And then gets a third X. Poor, poor Chris.

Piers says that he wasn’t funny or shocking and he found it cheap and silly. Chris is the my ex-wife of the acts tonight! Hi-oh! Sharon says she’s surprised he made it this far (ouch) and David says that when he lit his butt on fire it was Hoff-…but he can’t say the last word. What? What am I missing? WHAT’S THE LAST WORD, DAVID?

Chris shrugs a lot and then uses some fake fingers to hold up a seven for his number, which I would have appreciated if this were the week I did the number-grading. He’s totally going to be paired with Barbara in the least-shocking elimination ever.

Next up is the guy that tap dances and the guy that plays the guitar. This is perhaps the most generic act ever. They say that it started in a college dorm room and they want it to end in Vegas, which I think is also the slogan of many of the chapels in Nevada.

So, it’s about as exciting as a guitar player and a tap dancer can be. Meaning, I’m bored. There’s no way his singing touches anyone left in the competition, and the tap dancing is fun for the first thirty seconds. Sure enough, Piers hands them an X.

Sharon says something is missing (it’s talent, Sharon) and she doesn’t know about the act. David says that it’s rusty but it works and my boy Piers just lets them know that the dancer is good but the singer sucks. Make them split, Piers! I love it when he does this. I bet he goes to restaurants and tells his waitress that she’s good but the food sucks, so she’s going to need to move on without the cook.

Nick promises us the sexiext act ever on AGT and some guys doing something strange with buckets. One in the same for Sharon, Nick.

It’s Wild Card Waster Lollipop Girls! They were shot down because they had no talent, and then brought back for no discernable reason. They all get choked up and start crying because they’re just so excited to exploit themselves for America again.

They’re doing a number from that Fosse musical, and it’s exactly as entertaining as a bunch of dancing naked girls sound. So, very. It lasts about twenty seconds, as most of my encounters with dancing naked girls do, and then David starts hitting on them wildly. The alternatives are Nick Cannon and Piers Morgan, David, I don’t think you need to work so hard. Piers says he could watch them for a long time and he’s been won over by them and Sharon says they did great. She’s not used to having Piers and David act like she usually does, so I guess she has to actually judge this round.

The next Wild Card Waster is Drew Stevyns, who apparently sang something earlier. I don’t remember him so I guess AGT could have forged some audition footage, but I’ll trust them on this one, I guess. He’s worked a bunch of jobs to support his music career, but unless he’s ever had a meltdown by an elevator I’m not interested. Also, he reminds me of a young Milo Ventimiglia.

He’s singing “How To Save A Life,” and it’s decent but again, can’t really touch the others that are left in my opinion. Also, is that guitar just for show or are you actually going to touch it at some point? He does some basic strumming, which does not impress me, and overall I’m left feeling underwhelmed.

Piers asks for some of his previous professions (how badly do you think he wanted to say chicken-catcher) and he lists all the stand-bys: food, manufacturing, etc. Sharon says she’s been surprised by his performance and David says that earlier he thought Dre was one of the guest stars. Uh, so we just learned that David doesn’t have a handle on popular music AND is unable to distinguish between Tuesday and Wednesday.

Next to last is Recycled Percussion, who you would never ever remember because their act was shown for like a second in one of the victory montages earlier this season. They talk about all the hard times they’ve been through.

So, big surprise, they’re playing plastic jugs (no, the Lollipop Girls are still backstage) and doing a “recycled” rendition of “Ballroom Blitz.” The whole stage tilts up, and I’m not really sure how that fits the “recycled” theme, besides being cool. For having a tilted stage and one of my favorite cheesey songs, the whole thing is pretty forgettable.

Sharon says she loved it and they obviously listened to the judges. David says now he just wants to bang on things (no, the Lollipop Girls are STILL backstage) and Piers says he was really impressed by how much different and better they were. Jeez, these guys are really giving the tap dancer and the singer a run for their money on the whole “blandest act” thing.

Finally tonight is my girls, the EriAm sisters. I know I refer to a lot of acts as my _______ (depending on gender), but these are the ones that are first and foremost. Right after Ciana.

There’s some footage of their family being adorable at a carnival and their parents being proud of them, and Sharon says there is no one like them currently in the music industry. Really Sharon? No teenage girls in the music industries? No three siblings in the music industry? Jeez, just slip past the Disney Channel and you’ll see how wrong she is.

They start singing, and I have to be honest, not as good as the first audition. They dance around with some random guys that I’m sure their parents are thrilled about, and while there are flashes of brilliance overall I am left feeling underwhelmed. Yeah, they were good, but I wanted them to REPRESENT.

David says they should skip the dancing, but Piers says that the dancing should stay. He calls them the future and the next Destiny’s Child (because Destiny’s Child is SO big right now) and Sharon says she wants to see them back. You and me both, Sharon. You and me both.

So now, to preserve time as the show SHOULD be doing, a quick photocap of the results: