America’s Got Talent: Five for Fighting

Lucy wrapping chocolates. The MASH finale. And, this episode of America’s Got Talent.I have to admit that for the first time all season, I was actually excited about watching the show tonight. Ten decent acts all performed last night, and, as with anything we let America decide, the results were truly a toss-up. Would AGT superstars Kevin Skinner, Grandma Lee, and the Voices of Glory finally be knocked from their pedestals? Would America shock us with a show of love for both dogs and underdogs and vote Tony Hoard and Rory? All of this, and David singing? Yes, it would be an evening to remember.

The first thing we should note is that Nick has thankfully ditched the waiter’s outfit, but has insisted on keeping the stupid flower on his lapel. I get that you probably never went to your senior prom, but unless your name is Arcadian Broad you’re not allowed to use this stage for your own sick fantasies, mmk?

Nick promises us tears of joy and despair (so now he’s talking about MY prom) and then gives us the judge intro: Wednesday night edition. The difference is that on the Result’s Shows they don’t get to walk out to the crazy fireworks and light effects, so I guess we’re just supposed to pretend they’ve been sitting at that table ever since last night’s show ended. Piers says there was a lot of talent, so we’re in for some shocks. From your mouth to God’s ears, Piers. Sharon says she can’t wait for the results and “Pimp Daddy Hassel,” as Nick calls him, says he’s stoked to perform with the Muppets. How many Miss Piggy/David Hasselhoff ham jokes do you think I’ll be able to make this evening?

Oh, man, and it’s already time for some results! Well, I cut out the ridiculous amounts of last night’s recap for you, but I’m still excited. Arcadian Broad, Texas Tenors, and Drew Thomas Magic. Could this be another triple elimination? You know the producers want Arcadian out ASAP after his maverick stunt last night. But Arcadian is spared, at least momentarily, by the elimination of Drew Thomas Magic. Sad, but sort of expected and deserved after last night.

Arcadian’s relief is short-lived and he gets cut next. Thanks, kid. You definitely went out with a bang. I’d like to get together with you and Kelly someday and we can prank call some NBC execs together. And, Texas Tenors? Again, I really don’t understand how they made it to the Finals, but apparently everyone loves them now. I’m still guessing they’ll be cut early from the finalists when the winner is named. It’s also at this point we get our first Muppet vignette, in which we learn that felt can indeed out-act Sharon Osbourne.

Kermit and Miss Piggy perform after the break, and while it’s not quite up to the Lawrence or EriAm standard, I’m still thankful it’s not Mariah Carey. There’s a delightful photo montage of their relationship (no one think too hard about how much time we’re wasting) and does anyone else think Kermit’s voice sounds way off? When compared to earlier Muppet works. Yes, I am actually comparing and contrasting the works of the Muppets. Don’t judge me.

Time to head back to the Orville Lounge, otherwise known as the reason America no longer feels cheated when we spend ten minutes watching a Muppet duet. The highlights are Kevin Skinner brushing off Grandma Lee’s jokes with that damn charm of his and that boy-band Tenor saying he’s worried about Ozzy Osbourne. I think he’s got like twenty guys to beat up for flirting with his wife before he gets to you, weird blond guy. And that’s on the AGT set alone.

More results! Step forward, Grandma Lee, Tony Hoard, and Paradizo Dance. Goddamnit, my buddy David is going to fall to freaking Grandma Lee. Yep, they get the axe first, even before TONY AND RORY. It’s an insult is what it is. My favorite part at this point is how the camera keeps cutting back and forth between the dog and Grandma Lee, and they have essentially the same expression. And sure enough, Tony is headed home. Well, at least he has a nice steady job to…oh, wait. Grandma Lee joins the Texas Tenors in the Finals. She was expected, but I still feel like she might fall just short of the grand prize, even with her crazy amounts of undeserved support.

And now, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. David Hasselhoff himself will enchant us with a performance of “Feeling Good.” And let me level with you, TVgasm readers, the act barely begins and I’m laughing. Someone is playing the piano, which everyone feels the need to do on this show so that’s cool, but then it pans out and it’s not even David. David, of course, is leaning dramatically ON the piano. I just love that that’s the way he opens the act, with us thinking he has a talent that he actually doesn’t. This moment is also metaphoric for what’s to come.

His voice is decent, but he’s mostly just talking his way through the song as so many actors that want to sing are prone to do. Suddenly it’s not just Hoff singing, but an entire dinner theater production. He’s dancing around a really cheesy set with random girls everywhere, and basically if this was anyone but David Hasselhoff no one would EVER watch it. He finally concludes what I thought was, if nothing else, a very entertaining number.

The remaining four acts are Acrodunk, Voices of Glory, Kevin Skinner, and the Fab Five. I’m betting that there’s no way Fab Five makes it through, so Acrodunk is probably our most shocking cut tonight. Apparently we’re just going to do these last four in a giant orgy of dramatic camera cuts and worried looks, so settle in for the next ten minutes. The act moving on for sure is…Kevin Skinner! Well, duh. He’s going to win. Ok, who else have you got for us, Nick?

Acrodunk and the Fab Five better PRAY that Voices of Glory are next out on the votes, cause no way the judges are voting anyone in the world into the finals over those three. And the next act going home tonight is…Acrodunk! Wow. I’m surprised the Fab Five mustered up more votes than them, but again, pretty meaningless. The judges basically built a shrine and wrote love poems to Voices of Glory last night, I really doubt that the repetitive story of Mormon family values is going to sway them.

After the judges are done deciding who’s going to give the Fab Five a pity vote during the break, it’s time to decide! Both acts agree that the other is worthy, and then the judges speak. Sharon says that the Voices of Glory is “nearly there” (so NOT there. Boot ‘em, Sharon!) and the Fab Five are Fab. So she’s not going to decide. Um. You basically have one job on this whole show Sharon, and this is coming across as lazy. Ok, fine, we’ll let Piers decide, he’ll cut them both without blinking an eye.

David also says he can’t decide, to the increasing annoyance of Nick Cannon, so now Piers gets to talk. He says that they’re both talented, so we need to either vote them both out or send them both through. The audience is yelling it’s support for the latter, and where was this attitude during the infamous Kelly elimination? I’m sorry, I will never get over it.

Nick is getting more and more frustrated, which is very fun for us at home, and finally Piers says that there’s no Judges’ Pick and they’re both moving on. Much celebration ensues. Well, I guess we knew Voices Of Glory was always Finals-bound, and it’s nice the Fab Five are there too, even though I’m guessing they won’t place very highly.

My favorite part was definitely Nick’s confusion at the end when Piers said there would be no Judges’ Pick. How sweet would it have been if he had ordered Nick to reveal which one had more votes, and then Nick got all nervous and said he couldn’t do it, and then Piers and Nick had a throw-down? I guess I was just excited by the variety of possibilities that the judges could have used to select a winner, and how unprepared and nervous Nick Cannon was about that.

Did we make the right choice, America?