America’s Got Talent: Humidifier? I Don’t Even KNOW Her!

Tonight on America’s Got Talent, the cast of Jersey Boys learn that they’re the equivalent of the Muppets+David Hasselhoff. Just a few more careers AGT is happy to destroy.Can you believe it guys? After the Finals next week, there’s NO MORE America’s Got Talent for a whole year! It’s almost enough to make you forget that Michael Jackson was still alive when we started this mess.

Nick Cannon has ditched the stupid flowers and buttoned his shirt all the way up, so besides the crappy hosting I’m not going to have a problem with him tonight. He reminds us that the Finals are going to be Monday night (mark your calenders, TVgasm readers) and kicks off the time-wasting recap of last night’s show.

After the montage, Nick gives Piers not so much a question as a comment about his bizarre practices of actually judging the acts, and Piers defends himself by saying he has to vote for acts worth a million dollars. See, all good talent competitions need at least one cutthroat judge to reduce everything to dollars and cents. Nick mentions Sharon’s shocking buzz but just asks her to randomly list good acts instead of defend herself like Piers (I bet she totally just leaned on the button by mistake) and finally David describes himself as “Hoff crazy.” Yep, standard Results Show stuff.

The first two acts called up on the block are FootworKINGz and Hairo Torres. To no one’s shock, except perhaps David’s, Hairo is advancing to the Finals. I’ll be the first to admit that the dance acts usually bore me, but Hairo manages to keep it fresh and definitely deserves this place, in my opinion. But in all honesty, no way he makes the Top 5.

After the first break, Nick Cannon is back with a special treat for us. And by “special treat,” I mean new way to stretch thirty seconds of results into an hour-long show. Remember when the judges refused to judge last week? Well, here’s what happened during that commercial break!

The actual footage of the judges conversing is played in dramatic black and white, with equally dramatic subtitles underneath so that we can preserve every historic word for posterity. The footage is intercut with the judges looking back from the confessional booth, like this whole thing is some sort of goddamn JFK shooting documentary on the History Channel. Yes, truly, generations of families will share stories about where they were when Piers, Sharon, and David decided to send two acts to the finals instead of one. The only thing that would make this segment more fun is if Nick Cannon didn’t air it, but whispered the address of the bus depot where it was waiting in Locker #43, then slyly nodded at the camera.

Speaking of footage I wish was not being aired, it’s time for the Orville Lounge! Mario throws popcorn into Jenny’s mouth, displaying more talent than they did in their actual act, and Nick continues to be more annoying than America should have to endure. Just one more week. Just one more week.

At this point in the recap, I just want to remind you that we have now endured six visits to the Orville Lounge. We’ve made it through over thirty televised hours of America’s Got Talent, including at least four that involved Eleisha. When we started out, American journalists were in Korea, Bernie Madoff was awaiting sentencing, and Celeb Death Watch 09 was just beginning. In fact, let’s take a look back at how things were BEFORE we were all taken on Nick Cannon’s Wild Ride:

It’s time for another elimination, which I would classify I much less painful than the Orville Lounge segments. Step forward, Jeffrey Ou and Erik and Rickie. Nothing that AGT loves more than destroying the dreams of minors. And, yep, it’s a double elimination. Wow, not just eliminating all three but inserting a commercial break so that they had to sweat it out? That’s cold even for you, AGT. And you regularly let Nick Cannon loose on national television.

Next is Mario/Jenny against Recycled Percussion. And what are the odds of another double elimination? Recycled Percussion gets to go to the Finals. The hell? Is there some demographic out there that can’t get enough of Recycled Percussion and the Texas Tenors and I just know NOTHING about them? David hilariously assures Mario and Jenny that they’ll be playing Vegas “next week.”

The cast of Jersey Boys performs, and I can only hope that one of them gave Lawrence and Barbara the name of their agent. Is there any actual plot to Jersey Boys, or is it just two hours of attractive men singing songs that you routinely flip past on oldies stations? Nick asks them what it’s like to play Vegas. What? These guys aren’t even Broadway? Lame. They redefine perceptions of musicals and musical lovers by reminding the winning act to bring a humidifier.

So four acts, three spots. No way in hell I’m rooting against Barbara or Lawrence, but I’m not ready to lose my EriAms yet either. So I guess I’m hoping for a Drew ouster? This is rough, and it makes me suspect that someone read my last recap and specifically set the elimination in this order. Yes, I do imagine NBC execs plotting against me. Or possibly the family and friends of Nick Cannon.

First moving on is…Barbara! I love that she’s the opposite of Kevin in that she acts unnaturally surprised when she gets told how good she is. Mr. Skinner perfers the quiet shrug when he advances in nation competitions. The next act moving on is Lawrence, so America is covered, talent-wise.

The EriAms or Drew? My girls or my new favorite? This must have been what Sophie’s choice felt like. It’s Drew moving on, meaning so long to the Sisters. I’m sad, but they really didn’t blow me away in the last few performances like they did in the audition. I’m happy for Drew, but the field is so packed with singers at this point that he’s definitely the worst one. I’m counting the Texas Tenors as a magic act, cause it’s magic they’re still here. Zing!

So we have our ten finalists, and we even bring out the five we picked last week. I love that they’ve been forced to wear the same outfits. I like to imagine that NBC doesn’t let them change all week, so like the Fab Five has to go grocery shopping dressed as drum majors. Kid yourself all you want, these contracts they have them under are probably ironclad.

So, here are my highly scientific, pre-performance predictions-

1. Kevin
2. Barbara
3. Grandma Lee
4. Voices of Glory
5. Lawrence
6. Fab Five
7. Texas Tenors
8. Drew
9. Hairo
10. Recycled Percussion

Is this list anywhere near correct? Who’s gonna win, America?