America’s Got Talent: The Final Countdown

The real gift to America: a legion of undiscovered talent, or the three hours we’ll all be gaining every week? So because we now unexpectedly have ten acts instead of eight (unexpectedly is debatable, no matter how much hidden camera footage Nick wants to jam down our throats), I’m sure many of you are thinking that AGT will FINALLY be forced to cut down on the time-destroying montages. Those of you are idiots. America’s Got Talent has spent MILLIONS trying to develop a show that can be made entirely of montages and recaps, without any content at all.

Maybe others of you were thinking that due to the time crunch, the judges might just sit the hell down without first impersonating the Monday Night RAW intro. But guess again, naive viewers. Second only to AGT’s love of montages is AGT’s love of pyros and fog machines, so that’s making the cut also.

And thank God we haven’t cut the judges’ Q and A, cause I can’t wait to hear Piers find another way say that the acts need to have talent and Sharon find another way to disagree. Piers does inform us that there is no clear winner tonight, but the big news is Sharon saying that if she had a million dollars it would make her sing better, dance better, and even be funnier. All it would take is a million dollars? I’m skeptical, TVgasm readers, but we can’t pass this opportunity up, so send your contributions straight to the TVgasm Offices. Together America, we can build a better Sharon.

So, yep, that time will come out of the actual acts, and I guess we all have THAT to look forward to. David reminds us all that Vegas = good, and then we meet the ten finalists. All are dressed extraordinarily well since this is the last show and, according to tradition, they have to keep this outfit on until their next televised appearance. Meaning Drew Styvens is going to be buried in that suit. The notable exception is Kevin Skinner, who is really just killing time until they write him his damn check.

Nick seems to have escaped his perch and greets us again from the audience. We’re opening big with Voices of Glory tonight, so let’s just see if the boys do the smart thing and shut the hell up while their sister uses them pipes. Their montage is one-half a pandering for votes by shoving the camera at their disabled mother and one-half a continued milking of the “drama” surrounding the judges’ laziness and failure to eliminate the Fab Five two weeks ago. AGT wants this to be in its Wikipedia “Controversy” section so badly.

Tonight they’re singing a Whitney Houston song, which I hope to mean that the girl is singing a Whitney Houston song while her brothers watch. And this is officially the last time I’ll bring it up, but doesn’t ANYONE think Ciana was a MUCH better singer than this little girl? As far as Voices of Glory go, it looks like they made the smart choice and the boys are used only as back-up for their sister. Very nice, but not worth a million dollars.

Piers says that everything came together tonight and they all sang amazingly, then makes sure to mention their disabled mom again. Oh, yeah, I had totally forgotten. Sharon also praises them and said they should be proud, and David yells as many cliches for “well done!” as he can think of. Again, it was a nice performance, but there’s no way they could headline a Vegas show. And, sidenote, how did they come across the name “Voices of Glory?” Doesn’t it sort of sound like a euphemism for some religious army that would murder your wife and burn your land? Or maybe, A CULT? Could their amazing singing abilities be…GENETIC? Might their real father be CURRENTLY COMPETING AGAINST THEM??? Probably not, but that would be an awesome twist.

Up next is Hairo Torres, the lone dancer not yet eliminated. Was the dancer genocide perpetuated BY A CULT? Probably not, and I promise I’ll stop that immediately. Anyways, Hairo talks about how crucial to his victory a good song will be, which is really just his way of begging the producers not to Arcadian Broad-side him with a little Zac Efron. I would say that this guy has the most to prove in his final performance.

So his act starts with this whole old-school Hollywood gimmick, but then, as though he’s reading Piers’ mind, it all goes away and it’s just Hairo and a significantly faster song. He gives us his usual Hairo bouncing/flipping/gyrating. It’s nothing groundbreaking, or even remotely different than anything we’ve already seen from him, but still entertaining. Vegas quality? Nope.

Sharon is all hesitant about it, but decides she might as well just pretend she liked it. David mocks his emotion (but in that nice Hoff way) and kind of just brushes him off. Does anyone else just wait for Piers to talk like I do? He tells Hairo that it didn’t really work and he lost a lot of his fun and charm, and Hairo gives a short speech about making himself happy with his performance. You know what else would have made you happy? ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Maybe-VOG-daddy/cultist/my absolute favorite Lawrence is up third, and his montage is a very bland statement about his general disbelief at being in the finals and wanting to do well. Thank God you sing like an angel, or I’d be changing the channel right now, buddy.

Lawrence has finally taken Piers’ not-subtle advice to sing a Barry White song, so he’s hitting us with “My First, My Last, My Everything.” And what can I say about this guy? His voice is great, and he’s the first one tonight who could actually carry a show. Though I still say pairing him Barbara would be auditory perfection. And wow, this is the first time I can remember Piers taking his arm of the goddamn table to actually clap for the contestant!

David says that Lawrence is a star no matter what happens on Result’s Night, and Piers pats himself on the back for choosing the Barry White song while criticizing Lawrence for not having sex with the women in the audience. Sharon gets all technical with terms like “vocal range.” Paula’s career isn’t even cold yet and Sharon is angling for an Idol guest spot.

Act number four is Barbara, so apparently we’ve decided to put both actually-talented acts right next to each other. Barbara’s montage shows us why she’s the Woman of 1,000 Backstories: remember how she’s a cancer survivor? Well, that cancer almost took her voice. I know, right? Barbara knows that no one in America can actually distinguish opera songs from one another, so she’s just going to Susan Boyle it and sing her audition song again. This had better not turn into some weird no-no that the judges use to screw over our most talented female.

So, no surprise, Babs is amazing. She’s got some orchestra behind her which only enhances the effect, and if only opera had the mainstream appeal of disadvantaged children or underwear prop comedy then I think she would have this thing locked up. But thank you Barbara, for giving us some actual talent on this show. Your segments are mostly unmockable, which kind of annoys me, but you’re still my main gal.

Piers decides to tell us all about his love for An Officer and A Gentleman, which has little to do with his compliments for Barbara. Sharon says she sounds like three billion dollars (careful Sharon, we’ve only got one mil to give out) and David says to forget Vegas cause she’ll be bigger. Which is really just a nice way to break to her that no Vegas locale wants an opera singer.

Ah, yes, time for the Fab Five. I’m not sure if I can take ANOTHER montage about their strong family background. Seriously, have you noticed that it’s exactly the same every single time we see them? They toil in montage poverty while Barbara is living big in a mansion built of cancer and adoption.

But thankfully, the sisters were also involved in the controversial Judges’ (lack of) Choice, so the editors latch on to that. Also, they all have husbands and kids. FASCINATING.

So they’re dancing to “Circus,” and it’s a good number. I wonder why I never think of them as dancers? I believe I referred to Hairo as the lone dancer earlier in this very recap. I guess I have some sort of weird unconscious bias against tap dancing, which might make an interesting paper for a psych undergrad out there. Anyways, their dance is good but doesn’t really offer anything besides what we’ve already seen from them. I have zero expectations for their Vegas chances.

Sharon says it was “beautifully choreographered” but basically reminds them that Kevin Skinner is winning. David compliments them for always smiling, and if that’s the critique in THE FINAL ROUND you probably aren’t taking the money. Piers compliments their togetherness, but more importantly reveals that he does karaoke. Now THAT would make me tune into a Result’s Show.

The Texas Tenors are sixth, but their montage unfortunately does NOT focus on why that blond one is becoming more effeminate by the week. It does focus on the death of his father, which makes me feel really bad about the effeminate comment. But still, look at those highlights.

They’re singing “My Way,” and of course there’s a piano on the stage. Ah, the universal AGT sign of “I have no idea what the hell else to do.” They each get a solo, which only confirms that the big guy on the right is carrying the other two, but when they come together it isn’t bad at all. Like the Fab Five, they make an entertaining two minutes but there’s no way I’m paying $75 for an hour-long show.

David still has his singer elitism attitude on from a few weeks ago and compliments their Sinatra song choice. Piers, who has become steadily more comfortable telling us personal stories that don’t really connect with his critique, tells us about his vacations on Malibu Blvd. Sharon says it was cheesy but they liked it. Seriously, that may have been the most that the word “cheese” has ever been used on primetime television.

Nick teases that a singer is up next, which momentarily shocks me. I was sure that Kevin would go last! Then I remembered that we hung on to Drew Styvens, so my shock evaporates.

If you thought we were scraping the bottom with the Fab Five’s montage, you haven’t seen anything yet. We go back to his goddamn audition, talk about how he just broke up with his girlfriend, and watch him interact with some old women who assure him he’s going to win. It’s like the ‘What to Avoid’ segment in a ‘How To: Create a Montage’ instructional video.

But my recent love of Drew proves to be completely founded and his song is excellent. He sings “I’ll Stand By You,” and I have to wonder why HE wasn’t on Idol. Lawrence, Barbara, and even Kevin I get, cause they’re kind of quirky, but Drew seems almost TOO mainstream for this show. Better for us, I guess.

Piers says he feels proud of the talent that they’ve assembled in the Finals, and I have to agree. But then again, we haven’t seen Recycled Percussion OR Grandma Lee yet. Sharon gives some elaborate scenario about hiring a young rock star, but as always it’s an excuse to hit on him and ask him to tighten his pants. David says it was his best performance ever. Drew could definitely make a dent in the rankings, but I very much doubt he would make Top 3 or 4.

Oh, goody, Grandma Lee time. Those of you who want to join me in a “How Long Until The Underwear?” pool, begin your stopwatch. Her montage is the perhaps the most generic yet: she’s old and she wants to win. There’s a little bit about how she used to live in a “Children’s Home,” and, my stars and garters, good old Grandma Lee used to prank the teachers! That little whippersnapper! I wonder if it’s a weird feeling that all of your former teachers are dead. I guess I’ll have to wait fifty years. Or take matters into my own hands…

Her monologue is better tonight, a combination of old person jokes and disturbing boob humor. It’s definitely better than it’s been in previous weeks, and her end joke about Simon Cowell is a nice change from the constant barrage of Piers sex humor that we’ve had. So, very entertaining, but there’s no way she’s as talented as some of the singers.

Sharon and David compliment her and encourage her to continue her humor. Piers tries to play along with the joke and says something about a paternity test. Wow, I have lost a LOT of respect for Morgan these last few weeks. Grandma Lee settles in for an easy second place.

Kevin is ninth? Really? We’re going to let Recycled freaking Percussion end the show? Who exactly are they blackmailing at NBC? Anyways, Kevin’s montage is as predictable as his win: he’s so plum shocked to be here and tickled pink he’s been voted through. Tonight we are meeting his family, which is nice and a very clever ploy to increase the folksy charm vote. He’s says he’s going to dig deep with this last performance. And he’s singing the song he used to get his wife. Aw, shucks.

His performance is a little…off. I still maintain that he’s got this thing wrapped up, but that comes from likability and an excellent edit more than anything else. His voice is sort of nasally, and the fact that he’ll probably beat both Lawrence AND Barbara is why shows like this make me so angry.

Hoff gives him a long-missed “you’re what this show is all about!” and takes his last chance to make fun of Kevin’s accent. But, nice way. Piers says it was bad, but for some reason that’s a good thing. See, we’re even willing to bend the rules and the definitions of “good” so that Skinner can have a million dollars. Sharon agrees that you don’t need voice when you’re UNIQUE, and he’s UNIQUE. I swear I won’t use the Accordion Lady photo, but she’s at home screaming at her TV right now.

The last act is Recycled Percussion, and did you hear about that one guy in this group? He like embezzled a bunch of money or something. So, in review, drugs and alcohol are bad. But white collar crime, that’s victimless.

The montage does not focus on this most interesting of twists (and how cool would that have been? Piers: “The embezzlement he perpetuated really needs to be stepped up in this last round.” David: “They’re what anti-fraud laws are all about!” Sharon: “Let’s have sex!”) but it focuses blandly on them wanting to win. Well, we’ve seen that they do get what they want. BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.

So they’re hitting things with sticks and it’s exactly what we’ve already seen. How are they in the finals again? Yeah the stage is multi-tiered and the drums are nicer (almost as if they had a sudden flow of cash) and they end it by throwing water at each other, but it’s the same moderately-cool thing we’ve already had.

Piers freaks out about them going to Vegas and Sharon compliments them on being so creative. She doesn’t know how they come up with these things. Really, Sharon? They hit random stuff! And then take a break for some light fraud! David says it makes him want to install drums in his shower. I think it says a lot about public opinion of David Hasselhoff that he COULD do that and no one would really think any differently of him.

And that’s the show! Who’s winning this thing on Wednesday? What about Susan Boyle’s upcoming appearance? And who are we kidding when we guess that Susan Boyle will sing anything OTHER than “I Dreamed A Dream?”