America’s Got Talent: Call Me Ryan Seacrest, Cause Here’s Your Top 40

Night 2 of the Montage Mandates, and once again we the viewer can only watch in horror as the judges likely eliminate the good, vote through the bad, and force us to watch montage after ugly montage. Will the remaining Show-Enders (RIP mailmen) be voted through? What’s to become of my EriAm sisters? And will tonight be the night that Alicia finally recieves the sweet, sweet elimination that she deserves?So there’s a summary of what happened last night (I know, AGT showing us something that already happened? Shocking!) and now it’s the last night to decide the Top 40. Standard opening package, and then Nick welcomes us back to Vegas. We’re ready to assume standard advertising mode with many shots of the names of casinos, and then we assume standard montage mode with MORE recap of last night.

Then the judges finally break the monotony and hey! It’s video footage of your least favorite act and mine, Alicia, and Piers is talking about what an incredible personality she has. C’mon, Piers, I take your side in every clash with the Osbourne/Hoff Alliance and this is how you repay me? But wait, there’s a quick cut to a chick on the piano. Oh, you crafty show, who is Piers defending? Piano kid talks about how nervous he is, chainsaw juggler talks about how nervous HE is, and Sharon pulls a leaf out of my book by refusing to watch that guy shove a hook up his nose again.

David tries to defend an act (which one? Only the editor knows for sure!) by, you guessed it, assuring Piers that America would love that act. Thanks, David, but you’re absolutely incorrect. Piers counters by rightly pointing out that we’d be disgusted by that act (oh, they’re talking about Alicia), and we quickly move on to more editing tricks. It’s basically just a refresher course on the acts we’re still waiting to learn about. Dog lady! Kelly from Idol! Dancing grocery lady! Hot triplets! Oh, dear readers, my heart is sinking as I realize how many good acts there still are left.

The judges decide that some more talking would be fun, so they call up that fat guy and his skinny wife that do the acrobatic dancing. They’re nervous, which we already know about EVERYONE by now, AGT, and we get a reminder montage of them doing that act where she lifts the fat guy and carries him around. From now on, whenever I need to remind someone of something I’m going to use a montage instead of a note. A short VHS of my car breaking down to ask my dad to call the mechanic, some clips of me sobbing in the corner to get my friends to spend time with me. And then afterwards David can tell me that I’m what my life is all about.

So the two walk into that weird-ass room and David asks if they can even substain a show for an hour, and the guy rightly replies that that’s what they will show them in the Top 40. After a brief confab, David gives them the good news: they’re moving on! This is good news for me because despite their so-so talent I found them truly charming and endearing. Call it the Os/Hoff Effect, but damnit, I’m rooting for them. The two hug and kiss and they’re off to LA for Round 3.

Up next are the dance team that did the routine to the Slumdog Millionaire theme, and because this was a show I missed I’m forced to root against them. They’re hanging out at a school in their video looking very much like a new CW show, and then they’re practicing and flipping each other around. Also waiting is the Chicago dance team from like the first show, and I gotta think that if either of these two stood a chance they’d be in the choreography challenge with the others. The Chicago team tells us that they have no jobs to fall back on, and so their life plan to escape the ghetto is literally “win a reality TV show.” I have more in common with them than I’d like to admit.

So Piers calls them in to deliver what I’m betting is bad news, but they’re actually both moving on. Uh, OK, did NOT see that one coming. Really AGT? You have so many of my favorites left and you give me a minor panic attack whenever you vote through this rather bland acts. Two less spots for Alicia, I suppose. The Jai Ho dancers just scream and jump up and down but the Chicago team actually breaks into some kind of weird Victory dance, which immediately makes me sad that we do not get to see their Failure Dance. So now we’ve got our Bollywood and our delusion represented in the Top 40, what’s next? Another break!

Now we’ve got Jeffrey the piano kid and Rachida the harpist. I missed Rachida (sp?) and don’t care for Jeffrey, so the voting through of these two will lead to my extreme disapproval. They’re called in and Sharon lets them know that they’re only taking one, which is funny to me because just a few seconds ago Nick told us that these two have become really good friends. Did the producers knowingly call them in together to maximize the drama? That’s a lot more cruel than I thought they would be on America’s Got Talent, but I guess they also gave us Nick Cannon, so who knows? Turns out the harpist is leaving and Jeffrey gets to go to LA, putting further strain on my vow not to mock the classical music/Asian child correlation. They share a hug (which would piss me the hell off if I were Rachida) and the harpist is off to whatever it is harpists do.

So brace yourself, because she’s kicking off a montage of shattered dreams. It’s like a bandaid, dear readers, let’s just rip it off fast and deal with the pain later. They cut a couple who do a whip act that I missed, then three duos of acrobats that I suspect I also missed. Ok, so far so good. Could it be that I will actually be happy at the end of tonight’s show? Arther the weirdo dancer is out, and then there’s some minor controversy. The chick in a bro-sis act (looks like I picked the correct two episodes to miss, they’re all getting cut) let her brother go and pursue “another opportunity,” and because now she’s all alone they have to send her packing. woah, what do you think the opportunity was? I’m betting it was like a romantic move thing where they were voted to Vegas but then the girl of his dreams was getting married in Canada and he needed to fly there to win her back and his sister finally let him follow his heart after a lot of fighting and long instrospective moments. In any case, that seems to be the end of the Failure Montage, and I think we (I) came through excellently on that one. BUT WAIT. Is that Alicia I see lurking on the horizon?

We’re forced to relive Alicia’s awfulness and terrible singing, and then we switch into full on background mode. Alicia was spawned from an unholy union of Evil and Pain, or maybe she’s from Texas. It was hard to follow. She enters the room and stands on the X (that should have been Ciana! AAARGGRGH!) and assures the judges that her singing was only off because she was nervous. Yeah, I’m sure they’ve never heard THAT one before. The judges are talking to her WAY too much to simply pull the plug on her, so I’m freaking out right now. In the words of every one of the 160 acts, I’m nervous.

And yes, it’s just as I feared. She’s going to the Top 40. WTF, readers, WTF? She’s an AWFUL singer and an even worse little girl. This is basically the worst decision I could imagine them making, especially as dear Ciana was cut for this monster. I guess I’ll be watching with a purpose next week: Alicia must be slain. She proceeds to be awful and yell a bunch of things designed to show how adorable she is, and then she’s off to come up with more ways to ruin my life.

We’re back from break with that guy that juggled chainsaws and THEY VOTED ALICIA THROUGH? REALLY? I’m still SO angry. Ok, so chainsaw juggler and his skanky wife talk about how uncertain their future is and how much they want this, and then meet with the judges and are quickly voted through. I don’t recall them being that good, so this doesn’t help my post-Alicia mood.

Next is that guy singer that the judges loved and the three girls that they hated, so this should be an interesting decision. The judges basically tell the guy (Marcus) that they want him but he has to ditch the hos, which is definitely keeping with the extremely cruel pace of the show this evening. He again rejects losing the girls and the judges again reiterate that he’s great, and Marcus starts crying and whining about how he must not be that great if he still needs to audition for things. One of the girls offers to cut them all loose and let the judges just have Marcus, which is very selfless of her, and they agree to only take him. In the most genuinely touching moment of seen on AGT so far, the girls sacrifice themselves so that Marcus can move on, and much hugging ensues. Man, no pressure on him in the coming rounds or anything.

Ok, so time to do something with these pesky dance acts that just won’t go away, no matter how the producers try. Recall that they were each given the choreography assignment last night to see which one we would take to the Top 40: Break Sk8, Euphoria, or Destined To Be. The judges were probably hoping they’d be done in twelve hours and could fly away to Los Angeles before the dance acts noticed anyone left, but damnit if we don’t have to spend some airtime on them now. The dance teams have the classic artistic differences that we might expect from a twelve-hour choreography session, and then it’s time for the acts. The only three acts in an entire weeks worth of America’s Got Talent, mind you.

There’s a lot of big talk about how great there dances are going to be, and Piers lets them know they can take one or two acts, but it’s for damn sure not going to be all three. Euphoria gets to go first, and I’m kind of rooting for them because I like that they semmingly auditioned for AGT on a whim with some routine that they just threw together. I’m betting they only started this one like fifteen minutes ago.

Euphoria starts to dance and judging by the judges’ looks, they ain’t happy. It fades to Break Sk8, who continue to impress me with these dance moves on skates. So maybe I’m actually rooting for them? But the judges still look sullen, so I guess they just want to play it close to the chest for now. Destined To Be goes and gets the same stone-face treatment, and then the judges are off to deliberate.

Then it’s result time. Sharon says they want to put just one act through, and it’s…Break sk8! They were tied for my favorite! The other groups start crying and slitting their wrists, and it’s the skaters going on. After a break and the thousandth reminder that we’re at the Palms Resort, we’ve got some more hearts to break. Next up are the Voices of Glory, and honestly after the fifteen minute love-fest these guys got in Episode 1 I’d be shocked if they weren’t put through. And of course we get a recap of that and some more footage of the kids looking strong and character-filled. The oldest one tells the judges that they’re strong individuals and deserve it, and of course the judges agree. It’s the least shocking vote-through ever, and to AGT’s credit they don’t try to fill it with fake drama.

Oh, God, a rapid-fire acceptance montage. I don’t know which are harder to watch, these or the reject montages. In those I watch my favorites dismissed quickly to heartbreakingly appropriate music, but in these I have to watch the Top 40 be filled by such blockbuster acts as Recycled Percussion. Thankfully they put through that opera singer with the amazing voice, but they immediately lose my good will with the push of the weird guy that ate the lightbulb. Both of the dog acts go through (yay!) and so does the dancing grocer (meh) and some singer that I missed. A bunch of little acrobatic girls are in, alongside some big acrobatic guys (who are, as my man Hasselhoff is here to remind us, what this show is all about) and then MY ERIAM GIRLS! HOLLA! Oh, and that girl that sand the Jonas Brothers song wonders onstage with the EriAm sisters and moves to the Top 40 in a clerical mix-up.

There’s a guy that played a guitar while another one spun around and they’re Top 40-bound, as well as your friend and mine, Grandma Lee. Oh no, the music turns sad and Nick Cannon voices over as soon as the hot triplets enter. I’ll be the first to admit my reasons for liking then aren’t limited to their musical talent, but I still thought the violins were impressive and the bickering was hilarious. It’s up in the air because they’re bad singers, and Sharon tells them that they’re hot but they have a long way to go. They classically talk over each other in a plea to advance, and Sharon cuts them off with the verdict. They advance! Much screaming, much hugging. EriAm through, triplets through. Who’s even left that I care about?

We’ve got one spot left (montage reveals that hook-in-nose guy is out! Best night ever!), and my apathy turns to the intense obsession that you all know and love as I realize we’ve left my Idol-castoff Kelly behind. She’s left with some sixteen-year-old who went to Vegas and lost at this stage LAST year (you can tell it’s a different time cause the Hoff has glasses) and so it’s two girls here for redemption. But I got to get behind Kelly. She was on a legit piece of reality TV history (season 1 of Idol is nothing to sneeze at) and the cast-off reality contestant is a demographic that I really feel for. So lots of talk about how they’re both out to win this time, and I have to say I don’t hate either of them.

They’re already crying as soon as they walk in the room and start attempting to out-depress each other. Kelly only wants this, but teenager isn’t good at anything else, but Kelly will kill herself if she can’t make the Top 40, but teenager has to hug Nick Cannon if she loses. Seriously, how mad does it make you that Alicia has one of these spots?

They break it to them that only one is going through, and then that Kelly is out. Kelly starts to beg for her spot and has a giant breakdown there on the X. David and Sharon descend the stairs to give Kelly hugs and gently escort her back to her dead-end life, while the teenager screams and jumps up and down for joy. Not really, but wouldn’t that be cool? Sharon sits Kelly down and tells her that she isn’t failing (which is a lie) and Piers offers a quiet, “I’m really sorry.” LOL.

She attempts to compose herself and leave gracefully, then has another meltdown by the elevator. “I can sing better than anyone here!” she yells. If only Alicia was there for her to take out her anger on. So the teenager is moving on and she thanks the judges a million times. So there’s your Top 40. And now it’s up to us!

But by us, Nick Cannon meant Simon Cowell. Yes, it turns out none other than Simon himself called the judges and menacingly asserted that he has a problem with the Top 40. What a turn of events!

So what could this mean for next week? Will he personally murder Alicia, or just pay someone to do it? And what about tonight choices? Discuss.