End of Auditons or the End of the World?

This week was the last week of auditions on America’s Got Talent, and unlike American Idol, or even America’s Next Top Model, that doesn’t mean that we’re done wading through the crap. Oh no. For every Bianca Ryan who made it through there are 5 Rapping Grannies. And yet, I can’t stop watching. And even worse, I can’t stop loving every minute! I believe there must be a special place in TVgasm hell for people like me, but I don’t care. This week, there was no super huge talent mixed in with the puddles of crap, and no Leonid the Magnificent to keep me lauging with unintenional glee. So yes, I’m damning my immortal soul over a subpar episode of America’s Got Talent, but this guy dances with a blow up doll. It’s totally worth it. You know it’s going to be a good night on America’s Got Talent when Brandy’s hair is straight and The Hoff’s face is looking extra plasticy.

1. Chicago Matadors

Fat guys dancing to “Can’t Touch This”. No, really that’s it. That’s there talent. It makes me happy because I didn’t realize that I had such a marketable talent, since I’m a fat guy who dances to early 90′s rap in my underwear all the time. My song choice is “Ice, Ice Baby”, however. Piers says no, Brandy deflects to The Hoff, and he says no. So now, Brandy doesn’t have to be the bad guy. I love her, she’s a genius. But I think they should rethink things and vote these guys through, because causing people to make this face, should be considered a talent in of itself:

2. The Passing Zone

The Passing Zone looks like two of the best accountants at any mid-level firm on Long Island. Dressed business casual, they first psych out the judges by throwing a bowling ball into Yuppy #1′s face. Don’t worry kids; it’s just a rubber ball. ZING! They are actually kind of funny, in a more clever way than say, Penn & Teller, and their big trick is Yuppy #2 gets on Yuppy #1′s shoulders and they juggle flaming torches while balancing on a rolling pin. It’s impressive, and they are quippy, and I like them in spite of myself. I don’t know if they are America’s next superstar, but I abandoned that dream about 5 minutes into the first episode. Piers doesn’t like their outfits (“What’s with the clothes?” “Uhh, we thought the act would be better with clothes.”), but votes them through. The Hoff still hates jugglers and says NO, but Brandy gives them the okay to go to the next round. I wonder what the Juggling CPAs will do next!?!?

3. The Millers

Oh my God, the Millers are my new favorite act. At first I was just in awe that the older brother looks so much like my friend John (who is also a kick ass Rock Star) and the younger brother looks like me circa 1994. Erie. But I’m discouraged by the fact that they are a rock act that is going to sing “Sweet Home Alabama”, my least favorite Lynyrd Skynyrd song ever. I was totally hoping someone from the audience would start a “Free Bird” chant, but no such luck. The older Miller played the guitar and sang well enough, but it was when the little Miller started wailing on the harmonica like a mini-John Popper, that things started getting interesting. The kid was nasty on the thing, it was awesome. Piers says that Little Miller is a terrible singer, but the best Harmonica player (Harmonicaist?) he’s ever heard. They get voted through, and I have a myspace search to do to find original Miller tunes.

4. Lilla Stepanova

So I don’t want to be the stereotypical guy drooling over the hot teenage contortionist, but I don’t care. Mmm, hot teenage contortionist… yummy. This girl is very hot, but that’s not all. She’s got talent, real talent. I’m sure that I would’ve been quite happy watching her bend herself into dozens of shapes while my mind wandered and I found myself in need of some alone time. But then she starts shooting bow and arrows and hitting bull’s eye while she’s in crazy positions and using her feet. They all vote her through, and The Hoff and Piers again find a way to sexually harass her, at least this time a little more subtly than they did with last week’s Snow White Stripper. Sexual Harassment via the internet is one thing, but Sexual Harassment on national television is quite another. Shame on you two.

5.Shawn Crump

The second this guy gets on stage you know he’s going to suck huge, hairy horse testicles. And boy does he and his Magnum PI mustache not disappoint. His version of Suspicious Minds, is horrible in a way that doesn’t even warrant me mentioning, because that is exactly what this guy wants. And you will NOT win this round Shawn Crump. Oh no… you won’t!

6. Mark “The Knife” Faje

HE LOOKS NORMAL RIGHT?

Mark is known as the World’s Most Dangerous Comic. Known to whom, I wonder? Your mother, your neighbor, your second grade teacher? Regardless, this psychopath shows us how easy it is for him to catch a tennis ball on the side of his head. Great. But he knows that’s not what we want to see. You know me very well Mr. Faje, because I am bored unless my comics are in mortal danger. That’s why I’m not that into Last Comic Standing ever since Stella got the boot; No danger that the other comics might get eaten by her. The nutcase, puts two sharp steak knives in a bowling ball, lights it on fire and puts a scorpion down his pants (I’m totally serious), and kicks the ball from his foot onto his head, and he balances it perfectly. No lacerations, no impalements no poison filled ball sack. Snore. Piers thinks he’s a ccccrazy, and Mark says that if he gets invited back he’ll show us the trick that got him banned in 3 countries. Clever move, but we’ve all seen the shocker used on a sheep, buddy. It’s enough to get him moved through however.

BUT YOU’RE WRONG…

OH SO WRONG…

7. Sharon Kissane

Crazy Bird lady. That’s really it. The best part though, is that she goes on stage and does all these bird calls, except there are no birds in the whole place. She’s just showing us what she would be doing if there were birds in the area. I love it.

8. Taylor Ware

11 year old Taylor Ware is a self-taught yodeler. Even though she learned how to yodel out of a book, and she’s probably a home schooled weirdo, she is just A-dorable, especially when they show her before she goes on stage and she asks the guy working back there: “Will you tell me when to go on?” She comes out and starts singing, and her normal voice is quite good. But then she starts yodeling and The Hoff and Brandy just lose it. They are hysterically laughing, and I have to admit that it does sound weird to hear the yodels come out of this little girl, and not someone from Saint Olaf. I mean, I don’t know anything about yodeling and neither do the judges, so their praise means little to me. She could’ve been the worst yodeler in the word and 97% of the world would’ve had no idea. But when she finishes her song she does a little two step and a jump for joy when they pass her through to the next round so I’m totally sold.

9. Buster Balloon

This fat guy brings out a huge balloon and his act is getting stuck in it. I thought he was going to reenact the Animatronic Rhino birth scene from Ace Venture: When Nature Calls , so you can imagine my disappointment when he doesn’t. He fails once, and the balloon pops, causing Piers to buzz him off. He gets another balloon from backstage, and succeeds at getting himself stuck in the balloon, with his head sticking out. Check it out, because it’s much more amusing than I am describing, because to be honest, how do you put words to this?

10. Flippy the Magnificent
A picture might be worth a thousand words in this case:

I also really enjoyed the backstage banter between Flippy and his blow up doll after he gets the triple-X. Is 15 seconds of fame, really worth all this? I mean honestly, imagine how early you have to wake up to even get to those auditions. And how long you have to wait in line. And what if you have to pee? I just don’t get it. And besides there is only room for one Magnificent on this show and his name is Leonid.

11. The Players Club

The Players Club is a group of black dancers who specialize in Step, which is like Stomp, except with an E and no O or M. I think they are pretty great, definitely better than the Dancing SIBOs that got such high praise last week. Sure, it’s nothing that you can’t see in any subway station in New York City, but it’s like the BEST version of it, and they’re not asking you for money after they’re done or telling you about the rebirth of Christ. Piers says no, because he doesn’t see the audience for them. Brandy disagrees, but she tells them that they have to get tight before they come back. She then busts out some moves from her “Top of the World” video featuring Mase, just in case they want some pointers. The Hoff is also pleased with them and their energy, and the Players Club gets voted through.

12. The Laughing Yogi

This was horrible. The Laughing Yogi is an old Yoga instructor who has been told by the divine spirits that he’s supposed to bring joy into this world through laughter. He’s about to get told by my foot in his ass that the divine spirits are wrong. X X X.

13. Quick Change Artists
Everyone was floored by this male-female magic duo who kept making their outfits change right in front of our very eyes. Ehh, I wasn’t super impressed. I obviously don’t know exactly how they did it, but it’s not totally mind boggling to me like some of the stuff the Mindfreak does. Yikes. Maybe I should blame that bastard David Blaine, but my taste for magic has totally diminished ever since his “watch me walk across the street and buy a hot dog” style of magic invaded the pop culture consciousness. There was a time when someone like David Copperfield would make MAC trucks disappear and get Claudia Schiffer to marry him. Now I see magic and I just want to spit in David Blaine’s face, wherever he may be. But back to the issue at hand, the Quick Change Artists are impressive, just not to me. They are going through.

There you have it. Now the stakes are really raised next week. Can’t wait to see what happens next! Chances are it won’t be all that great, but chances are even greater that I will be entertained.