Recap: America’s Got Talent: Operation: Pectoral Strength

This week began the first section of the semifinals for the thinly-veiled Hasselhoff ego stroke masquerading as a talent circus. This is supposed to be the part where we start to see a higher concentration of gifted people than not. Don’t get your hopes up, home viewers! There was still a satisfactory amount of crap to be seen. The judges are still crazy, but at least during this episode I got some nice additions to the ol’ spank bank. Welcome to “America’s Got Talent!”

We open with yet another insufferable recap montage, which may have been entertaining except for the fact that it was in the AGT-trademarked slow motion, with “Star Wars”-style graphics, and set to “God Bless America,” which made me want to find a nice long wire cable somewhere and strangle Leann Rimes. It occurs to me that this is why the rest of the world hates us – because all we do is masturbate. In slow motion.

After we endure a few minutes of a thousand delusional screaming fans cheering for Jerry Springer, the Jerr-ster gives us a rundown of how the evening will go. We get to see only ten of the remaining twenty acts (thank God). Then we vote, then next week we find out the top five and we get to see the remaining ten. That’s in seven days, at nine Eastern, eight Pacific. You do the math. I’m not your fucking algebra teacher.

The judges (and their all-powerful X’es) are back, and thankfully The Hoff opted not to wear his black pleather shirt again. Perhaps he put down the Jack Daniels for the evening. No, he went classy tonight with a simple pinstripe number, with only some gold jewelry dangling amongst the foliage of his chest hair.

Mmmmm, foliage.

We hear from a few of the contestants, and I’m just hoping that fucking 14-Year-Old Hack has gotten a little guidance in the beauty department. Speaking of makeovers, am I the only one who thinks the Jerr-ster needs a haircut and some styling?

“Ahem…. you need to adjust the toupee, Mr. Springer.”

Huh. Maybe he always looked like that. Anyway, first up in the “How The Hell Is He Still In This Competition” section is Johnny Lonestar, a real-life cowboy whose tradition survived the stigma of “Brokeback Mountain.” He says that he’s doing this for all the li’l cowboys out thar, and dagnabit is he sweet!

He comes out with a glittering, sparkly rodeo outfit. Looks like he broke out the big guns for this one! Ha ha. Or lassos. “Broke out the big lassos” would work.

“HELLO, ‘FRISCO!”

He performs to the all-time classic “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy” and I groan so loud my stomach actually hurts. However, his act turns out to be quite a spectacle, especially the part where he hops up onto the judges table, twirls a massive lasso and sings along to the song. He really brought the energy. “Hmm,” I think. “Not that bad.” But how far could he go, really? All he does is twirl lassos – how do you change it up? Can a lassoer ever really win this competition?

Not with chaps like that.

Next is someone whose career started with a karaoke machine. It’s our fresh-faced 14-year-old, and now I have a solid case about why those things should be illegal.

She says to the camera in what seems to be faux earnestness, “What started as a dream… could soon become a reality.” GAG ME. You know, she reminds me of my overly-dramatic teenage self, except I had the good sense to keep it inside and never let anyone know how hokey and moronic I was until I was older and could adequately make fun of myself. I wish this chick had done the same.

We are not so lucky though, and as we all know, America’s a sucker for the youngsters (see: last year’s 11-year-old winner). She comes out and belts out her tune in the same way as she always has (just like Leann Rimes), and I think, “Good job finding your own style, little lady. Way to take the judges’ advice.”

I have to admit she doesn’t sound totally cringe-worthy though, and she did finally do something about that whole face/hair problem.

Bad.

Better.

See, that’s all I wanted. Nothing too dramatic, not unnatural, because she is still a girl after all. Just some nice waves in the hair, a bit of lip gloss, a dab of mascara… now she looks like my cousin, who is a weather girl in Arizona. A big improvement, I think we can all agree.

The Hoff calls her Babe.

Ew… Back Hoff, dude.

For the next act, Kevin James entices us with promises of an amazing undertaking that will rile the audience, and I wonder what this awesome, gruesome magician will do next?

Last week: Cool!

This week: Lame!

I say aloud, “That was it?” Piers X’es the dude out, and says, “That was it??” Totes, Piers. I feel you. It was really no better than the shtick in “The Addams Family” movies with Thing. Actually, Thing was more impressive than this. I wonder where all of his innovative and cool ideas went to? Maybe that’s why he’s not already famous. In any case, Hoff declares his love for James’ sexy nurse. Also, YEAH. WE GET IT, Hoff. You’re a straight guy. The more you try to prove it to us, the more we’ll start to believe all of those gerbil rumors (or was that Richard Gere? No matter).

Always with the sexy nurses, you!

After that debacle is our future Luther Vandross, who gushes (pardon the expression) about the fantastic acoustics at his workplace, which is a sewer. “I sing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, all the time,” he says. In that case, I’m pretty surprised he hasn’t yet been found at the bottom of a sewer, drowned by an annoyed co-worker.

“If he sings ‘Here And Now’ one more freaking time…”

He sings “Run To You,” previously made popular by crackhead Whitney Houston, and the desperation/nervousness just seeps out of him and makes his voice crack. When he sings the words “all alone” he looks confusedly around, like, “Where’d my band go?’

“Too many sewer stories? Guys?… Anyone?”

I winced a couple of times and thought he might have a hard time getting the judges on his side. Nope! They love him. They love everybody! They’re little whore judges. Maybe they were just distracted by his big friendly smile.

Crest WhiteStrips available now!

After the break we get to see Jonny Come Lately. Hope they don’t embarrass themselves again. During their pre-performance profile they are so freaking adorable I just want to pinch all of their little cheeeeeeks! I almost can’t take it until they equate the Stray Cats and Sublime with The Beatles. That’s when the record-stopping sound effect kicks in and I say, “Um, ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?”

Jigga wha-?

Nevertheless, they play “Crazy Little Thing Called Love,” one of my favorite songs EVAR, and they do okay, except that the upright bass player’s cord falls out right before his solo. Ouchie. Fortunately, they break it down in the end and the sounds of dozens of teenage girls’ screams permeate the air during their finale. Sharon tells them not to worry about the technical shit. I’m pretty sure they’ve already got a future.

SOOOO CUUUUUTE!

I just hope that kid doesn’t want to kill himself after that performance. Anyway, what better way to follow up a great act than with the continuation of “How The Fuck Are You Still Here?” Kashif says that says that this is his dream come true. I say that his dream should be finding the perfect pair of tweezers. I recommend the Tweezerman Mini Slant® Classic Stainless. They’re quite good – nice grip.

Honestly, man. Look into it.

In any case, he claims he will “rock the house” and I laugh in his face. Well, at least he has backup dancers this time, and at least THEY have costumes. That’s better than the last hundred times, I guess. To be fair, he looks like he’s having a blast on stage, and the audience does too.

Totally paid.

However, our sweet Kashif basically just does the same three motions over and over for three minutes. How does that, along with lip synching, qualify as talent?? Actually, Piers agrees with me. He says Kashif has no talent and the personality of a flat pancake. Ummmmmmmmmm…. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU FIVE WEEKS AGO??? You fucking idiot! Hoff agrees with Piers. What the hell???? It’s not like this performance was different in any way than the last few times, so what is going on here?

Yeah, Hoff, you give me a headache too.

I’m pretty sure that this has all been a ruse by the producers, and they just shot a bunch of “yes”es and “no”s for the auditions and then let some crazies get to this round for some diversity and ratings. How else do we explain this? See, this is the problem with reality television. It is so fucking fake.

Goddammit. Thank God the following performer is our beautiful elfin princess, Butterscotch.

“Fear not, talent seekers!”

For her set, she decides to straighten her hair. YES. COVER THOSE EARS.

Good decision, my liege.

She does the coolest version of “Summertime” I’ve ever heard, beatboxing even the trumpet section in the beginning. She is awesome: kittenish without being annoyingly over-sexual. I hate it when bitches get that way.

The hottie dance/martial arts troupe Sideswipe is next. Now, let’s get real, people: how can they not get to the top with a combination of kick-ass moves and sweaty, bare torsos?

They’ve got my vote.

If they can sing… they might just be the next New Kids On The Block! They do their routine, which is astounding and actually DOES require talent and practice, among the screams of every girl in the audience. I think even The Hoff gets turned on.

“Ohhh yeahhhh”

And so does Sharon…

… And so does everyone else…

… Especially when they rip their shirts off and scream.

Aiiiiiiight……. if they don’t get through to the next level, I am calling emergency medical dispatch on every American vagina (and homosexual cock).

“Never for a moment in my life have I ever looked like that,” says the Jerr-ster. Ahaha ha ha ha! Jerry, you slay me.

Never?? You don’t say!

Now, Manuel Romero is someone I can’t, for the life of me, remember from any of the auditions… however I do remember that at last week’s “Top 20″ reveal, the snippet of his singing made me want to cry. It was delicate, simple, beautiful and I wanted to see more. This week the 18-year-old says in a lead-in to his performance, “When I sing ‘When You Love A Woman’… I really have loved a woman, so I know what I’m singing about.” Gee, I hope it wasn’t one of those freaky teacher-student affairs we’re always hearing about. Unfortunately for us, during this presentation he is not nearly as charming as he was when he performed with his acoustic guitar and no ego.

And that Jheri Curl/mullet combo has GOT to go.

In fact, he sounds pretty bad and he makes me want to vomit from my ears and eyes.

Moving on… the last but certainly not least group to perform are the Glamazons. I wonder what “Moulin Rouge” song they’ll rip off this time?

Perhaps “Elephant Love Medley?”

Okay, that was pretty mean. For the record, I have nothing against full-figured ladies, but come on! I’ve been so good up until now! Almost no fat jokes at all!

Well, now that I’ve gotten it out of my system, I am ready to see their performance. They sing “Hot Stuff.” Oooh, something new! They really ARE just like the Pussycat Dolls. They can’t do all of the moves, really (like bending all the way over all sexy) but they do have loads of confidence and they strut their stuff proudly, and for that I applaud them.

You GO, girlfriends!

I think we’ve all been there… you’re at a sleepover with your girlfriends, you have a couple of cocktails, and you find yourself making up dance routines at one in the morning and videotaping it. The only difference is that these ladies had the guts to take it (and their Mallomars) all the way to Vegas.

Okay, I promise that’s the last one for the evening. The voting is up to you now, dear readers! Actually, by the time you read this, the virtual voting booths will be closed, so I hope you got your votes in on time. It won’t surprise you that I voted for Elfin Princess and, of course, Sideswipe. But if I know America and small town voting audiences (and I think I do), that weasely 14-Year-Old With The Decent Makeover will take it. Little wench.

So who’d you vote for?