…Well, Talent is a Strong Word

So rumor on the street is that America’s got talent. Hmm. Well according to this Simon Cowell two hour season premiere, if America does have talent it’s well hidden. What America does have is balls. The balls to get up on stage in front of millions of people and dance with a donkey. What America also has is The Hoff. The Hasselhoff. That’s of course in addition to an octogenarian stripper, lots of jugglers, Cirque du Soleil rejects, nose floutists and rapping grannies. It’s no major surprise that most of the talent comes in the way of singers (American Idol) and dancers (I’m sure Diddy and MTV are out there somewhere with a reality show you’d be great for), and most of the laughs come inadvertently from The Hoff. But, hey, it’s summer, it’s hot and Idol is a distant 7 months away. This’ll have to do for now.

So basically, this show is The Gong Show, with buzzers instead of a gong, and American Idol without any potential Idols in sight. It’s actually quite funny that these three judges so easily mirror the three judges from American Idol. Piers Morgan is a British reporter to the stars who is like Simon Cowell’s slightly more polite and dashing younger brother. Maybe because his record company isn’t the one who has to produce Bucky Covington’s new CD if for some reason he ends up winning Idol, Piers seems a bit nicer, but his biting comments are funnier, and seem less forced. You would think the role of washed up pop sensation would obviously fall to Brandy, but let’s give her a break. She’s like what a quarter of Paula Abdul’s age and already has double her hits? And since her last album bombed while still going platinum (alright, I’m a closet Brandy fan – sue me), and she seemed pretty lucid during the show, I have to say that she’s probably more like this show’s Randy Jackson, because they are both black. NO! Because, while lucid, Brandy’s delusions of grandeur, seemed to remind me of Jackson’s CONSTANT name dropping. Lastly, we have the HOFF, who is definitely this show’s Paula Abdul. Crazy. Impetuous. And to be honest, quite ballsy for thinking that he is in the position to judge anyone’s talent. The HOFF is the one to watch here!

Hosting is Regis Philbin, and continuing my American Idol comparisons, it’s pretty easy to imagine that Ryan Seacrest was at home watching this show jerking off to the thought of having the Reege’s career.

Reege expalins to us how all of this went down: thousands of people from all over the country found there way to this audition process (none of them, sadly, found a way to their pride). The beauty of it is, the three judges have no idea what is coming out from backstage – is it going to be a singer? gymnast? Circus Clown? Who knows! So after their initial shock at watching a pregnant woman fit 50 eggs up her HOO HAA they each have a buzzer. Once the judges feel as though they’ve seen enough they hit their buzzers and light up their huge X. Once all three have hit, the act must end and hear their fate. Oh, and I think the winner of the show gets some money, and a touring slot with Ringling Bros. or something. Got it? Good. Let’s get this shitshow started!

1. Bobby Badfingers

Bobby Badfingers is a professional Snappist, so at first I think it’s going to be a gay guy or a really biting comedian with lots of one liners, but no, the name was literal. This guy can snap his fingers, like, a lot. It’s actually pretty cool, and the judges love it, although I think I developed a case of Arthritis just from watching this.

2. Dave The Horn Guy

So this guy thinks he’s all bad ass. At one point he goes from just playing the horns to playing the horns like a gangsta. Piers, gives him the first X of the evening, but Brandy is intrigued, especiallly when brother starts getting down with his bad self. Please. Piers wants him to perform. On a pier. Or, perhaps, off it. It’s funny because his name is pronounced PIERCE, but spelt PIERS, and he used the word PIER. My mind is more blown by that then,Dave the Horn Guy. But the Hoff likes it enough – he’ll be back.

3. Blue Velvet
Blue Velvet is a group of singers, two girls and a guy dressed all 50′s style. Before they can finish a 2 second harmony of BLLLUUUUE VELVETTTT, all three buzzers are hit. It’s the funniest moment of the night.

4.At Last

At Last is an Asian Boy Band, and for that fact alone they rule, because they say their parents wanted them all to go to Medical School and become doctors. There is nothing more satisying than people acknowledging their steretype and then squashing it. There song is actually quite awesome, and then they go into some kind of beatbox madness that makes Brandy go like this:

5.Syd the Kid

Syd the Kid is a 9 year old comedian. Yawn. She’s not so much funny as she is kind of precocious. Her jokes don’t make any sense, and she makes fun of fat black people for being fat and black. It’d be funny if it were humorous social commentary on the fact that some African Americans happen to be overweight. Now that would be talent coming from a 9 year old. But she’s cute, which is a talent I guess. The judges ADORE her. She is funnier than most of the people on this season of Last Comic Standing , so if Stella is going to get her shot at fame, why not Syd the Kid. She’s going through.

6. Kenny Shelton
Kenny Shelton is a crazy juggler. I don’t know whether crazy is part of his act or not, but it’s part of Kenny. I can’t tell if he’s being a little nutty and bad on purpose or what, but either way he drops his juggling equipment almost as often as he catches them. Piers, buzzes him, followed by the Hoff. Brandy is intrigued by the shiny objects flying about and is forced to buzz by her co-judges. Then Kenny gets very angry, and you wouldn’t like him when he is angry:

He juggles the swords without incident and is sent through to the next round, mostly out of fear or injury to the Hoff.

7.Shadow Dancing

Basically these weirdos wanted to get on national television. Mission accomplished.

8. Bernie Barker

Bernie Barker is a male stripper who is older than dirt. No seriously, he was roommates with Jesus back in the day. Whatever, he takes his clothes off and The Hoff loves it:

No one buzzes until things start to get really ugly

ANYONE ELSE THINK IT’S WEIRD THAT THEY WERE PREPARED WITH AN AMERICA’S GOT TALENT CENSOR GRAPHIC?

Piers says no, but the HOFF stands up to show the crowd his errection so the know how enthusiastic is about Bernie going through to the next round. That leaves Brandy, who is looking for backup dancers for her next video and she sends Bernie through. What was his talent exactly, besides making me vomit up my dinner?

9. Alexis Jordan

Alexis Jordan is going to sing Whitney Houston’s I Have Nothing. Brandy once sang with Whitney Houston in the TV-movie version of Cinderella, and Whitney literally ate her with her voice, so she wants to see what this girl’s got. And boy does she deliver. It’s an amazing performance. Well, it’s amazing in terms of this contest. But the girl is good. And she’s only 14. Which makes Brandy all misty-eyed. Alexis reminds her of herself at that age, everything form her look to her age to the tone of her voice. Huh? What? The shows not called Brandy’s Got Talent, and there is a reason for that. Look as I mentioned earlier, I’m a closet Brandy fan, I admit it. But by “fan” I mean I can shake my booty to Talk About Our Love. On Moesha’s best day she didn’t sound this good.

10. Eddie Haskell and his Singing Saw

Eddie Haskell and his Singing Saw get about 15 seconds, before all three judges give him the triple X. He’s pisst, but dude you play a saw. I’ll see you on the subway.

11. Kevin Johnson

KJ has two puppets with him so Piers, gives him a premature buzzing. But Brandy and The Hoff, know better. They wait it out, and Kevin and his little puppet friends, actually kick some ass. He does this whole bit where he throws his voice while he’s doing his ventriloquism act, that was a total mindfreak. Piers takes back his buzz and Kevin is unanymously put through.

12. Kathy Kavanaugh

Kathy Kavanaugh is a sweet hippie burnout, who plays the harp and sings celestial music. She’s not bad, but I think that’s probably because she seems very nice and I don’t want to say anyting too mean about her. Piers, feels bad telling her no, but is very kind to her. The Hoff, on the other hand, laughs in her face.

13. Eric “Harry Carrey” Mal

This was the worst for me. Not because it was particularly bad, but because it was so painstakingly, offensively mediocre. Nerdy looking guy does bad Arnold Schwarzeneggar impression. Nerdy guy does bad Yoda impression. Nerdy guy does bad Shaggy impression. Aren’t those like the three easiest impressions to do? And they are all bad. So the only talent this guy has, is the talent of not getting laid in High School. Great. And PS Mr. Mal. There is only one Harry Carry:

>

14. Vladimir Malachiklin
So at first this guy comes out looking like a someone from the dirty pre-teen version of a Cirque du Soleil act, and like Piers admitted later I assumed I was going to hate this kid.

I COULD TOTALLY KICK THIS KIDS ASS

Then things changed and he started doing things like this:

UHH, HEY MAN, JUST KIDDING ABOUT THAT KICK YOUR ASS COMMENT

15. Team AcroDunk

These guys are a group of flying athletes who hit basket after basket while flying through the air. Piers is not wowed, because he’s white and from England. They go through because Brandy likes them and the Hoff has already picked out one of them to star in Courtwatch, a new show about beach basketball players who moonlight as paranormal lifeguards.

16. Jay Myl

HEY LOOK MY TALENT IS SNEEZING! GIVE ME A MILLION BUCKS!

Jay Myl is a Nose Floutist. Yes he plays the flute with his nose. Big deal. I play the trumpet with my ass after a good Mexican dinner. You don’t see me heading to Taco Bell and to meet Brandy, do you? The only entertaining part is that when they triple-X Jay he goes nuts and starts yelling at all the judges, basically calling them talentless. Piers is British so he doesn’t care; Brandy starts pulling out her Platinum albums and Grammy’s, promising new material soon; The Hoff gets the most upset so he puts on a red swimsuit and runs across the stage in slowmotion while singing in German and cheating on his wife. TAKE THAT NOSE FLUTE!

17. Betty Victor
Let’s just say that Betty Victor is as good a singer as you would think she is from this picture:

NEXT!

18. The Boofant Sisters

I Can’t tell if they are women or men in drag – but who hasn’t made that mistake, right? Oh, just me? Awkward… The judges agree that they put on a good show. But they aren’t right for THIS show. Unlike the 293728 year old male stripper.

19. Ivan Pecel

Ivan thinks he’s a really good juggler. Which he is I suppose. But he’s really cocky about the whole thing. So he’s quite shocked when this happens:

The Hoff hates him and hates jugglers. That’s not talent, he says. The Hoff tells his co-judges that if they let this guy through it’ll be ruining the integrity of the show. Umm, what? Piers is on the fence. Brandy likes Ivan, even though he’s a douchebag, and she astutely reminds Piers that this show is about showcasing talent, and Ivan’s talent happens to be juggling, which he happens to be good at. Piers is convinced and Ivan is put through. The Hoff is so ticked off that he jumps into KITT and takes a lap around the parking lot to cool down.

20. Nathan Burton
I still can’t figure out what this guy’s talent is. Is it winning big on Win, Lose or Draw?

Or Microwaving himself?

Oh no! Now I got it! It’s doing what Kevin Federline hasn’t been able to accomplish in 25 years! Making himself Black!

21. Holy Cow

The only reason I’m even commenting on this is to call it Bovine Bullshit.

22. Michael Speaks

Michael Speaks is a Gospel singing God in training. Unlike Mandisa he doesn’t offend anyone, and the judges love him. But as much as these people:

23. Vladik Miagkostoupov
Despite his Tarzan outfit and the fact that he is once again a juggler, Vladik is pretty good. You see he’s not a regular juggler, he’s a sprite-like juggler who throws thing while dancing lyrically. Even the Hoff who is juggling averse can’t help but be intrigued.

VERRRRRRY intrigued:

24. Wild Life Wendy & Wazoo

I didn’t know being a crazy bird lady was a talent. Unfortunately, the judges seem to agree.

25. JR Johns & His Best Friends

I didn’t know bestiality was a talent. Unfortunately, the judges seem to disagree.

26. S. Frank Stringham

S. Frank’s talent is making balloons. No, literally, his talent is blowing up balloons. And making an ass out of himself. So I guess he has two talents. The only thing that is funny about this is that he makes a balloon replica of Reege. I have a feeling Kelly Ripa is going to find a little surprise in her dressing room on Monday.

27. Rapping Granny

It doesn’t matter that I hated the Rapping Granny. America loves her! Sure, her raps aren’t her own, her hook isn’t her own, and all she’s doing is screaming, she’s old and old people are cute! Umm, no they’re not. They’re old and mean and they smell bad. Yeah, I think my grandmother is THE cutest lady in the world, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to prance her off on stage in front of the whole world. But it doesn’t matter because the judges can’t get enough.
The Hoff Loves her!

Brandy Loves her!

And this is where Piers tells her that SHE is what THIS competition is ALL ABOUT!

And I shed two tears. One for my immortal soul, which has just been crushed, and another for America.