America’s Most Smartest Model: The Fat Man Walks the Plank

***We’ve searched high and low for the bestest recapper for this show, and finally found our boy. Please give a warm round of applause to the newest (thinnest, hosttest, and most gorgeous) member of the Gasm clan, Hypnotoad!

Previously on America’s Most Smartest Model, Slavco and Jamie were eliminated in the first 5 minutes. Like, why didn’t they just have 14 people on the show instead of 16? What’s the point? Jamie said we haven’t heard the last of her, like a good reality contestant should. Pickel revealed he has ADHD. The winner gets $100,000 and an Extreme Style VO5 ad campaign. Kinda lame, if you ask me. Andre pissed everyone off because he’s an arrogant Russian jerk. He also said that he doesn’t work out and is “blessed like his Soviet ancestors.” If this show were on 20 years ago, America would be totally pissed. But now we hate the Middle East, so it’s all good.

Angry Russians are adorable.

The contestants had a spelling bee and Daniel won. In the second challenge, models had to walk the runway while listing items in a category given by Ben Stein. Gaston said “dirty penis” while listing things that smell bad. Mandy Lynn was told she was too porny. Constantly. Jesse was told he was fat. Mandy Lynn, Victoria, and Gaston were in the bottom three, and in the end, Mandy Lynn was saved because Mary Alice Stephenson said she had heart and was willing to prove herself, but mostly she was saved because Ben Stein likes her boobs. Caught up? Let’s get to it!

We start off with Ben Stein telling us models are sexy, stylish, and stupid. Or are they? Pretty much, yeah. Mary Alice Stephenson, the contributing editor for Harper’s Bazaar, is the co-host, along with Ben Stein. Remember Ben Stein from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Of course you do! He’s also done some other smarty-pants stuff, but no one really cares about that. All we want to see is Ben Stein going, “Bueller . . . Bueller . . . Bueller . . .” Give the people what they want, Ben!

You won first prize at Harvard! Congrats!

I’m going to get serious for a second and explain the whole “challenge” process because that’s what Ben Stein is doing right now. Here’s how it works: There are basically 2 challenges in each episode. The first challenge will be based on intelligence. The winner of that challenge wins something called The Edge, which gives them a heads up in the 2nd challenge, which is more model based, although last week it incorporated some smarts as well. The winner of the 2nd challenge wins The Callback and is guaranteed a spot on next week’s episode. Hence the name, The Callback. Not to be confused with “The Comeback,” which was an awesome show with Lisa Kudrow that HBO stupidly cancelled. Long live Valerie Cherish! On with the show.

America’s Most Smartest Cancelled Show

Disco-y techno music plays as the opening credits roll. And then we’re at the house. Mandy Lynn is glad to still be here. I think she’s sweet, and her heart is as big as her endowment. Now her brain power, on the other hand . . . The models wake up to find a new lock on the bathroom door. Oh, yeah – the bathrooms and fridge have number locks on them, with questions that the models have to answer correctly in order to have access to the crapper and the food box. Apparently, they change every week. This show is so complicated! So, today’s bathroom code question is MDCLXVI. They’re Roman numerals. So, that’s 1666. I’d like to thank my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Ackerman for teaching our class Roman numerals. And I thought I’d never use them! Andre figures it out. Yay! Now he can poop! I’m totally waiting for the moment when one of the models gets really wasted and can’t remember or figure out the code, and ends up barfing in someone else’s bed. It’ll happen. Mark my words. Jesse talks about how he’s model-fat, but he’s going to work out and eat right. Uh huh. That’s what Keenyah said in cycle 4 of ANTM, and we all know how well it worked for her. And if you don’t know, it didn’t.

We still love you, girl.

Tyra Mail! Wait, wait. Sorry. It’s Mary Alice Mail, except she calls it “note du jour.” That’s French for “note of the day.” With my good looks and intelligence, I would totally own this show. Daniel, still with his Eric McCormack Will & Grace Season 1 hair, reads the note, which basically says that today’s Edge challenge will consist of models being paired into co-ed teams. I’m sure there was more, but I was distracted by the fact that Mandy Lynn is totally topless! Way to prove that you’re serious about this competition. Mary Alice would be proud. And by “proud” I mean horrifically disgusted. And VH1 has put a black box around Mandy Lynn’s boobs with the word CENSORED emblazoned on it. And the black box? It’s pretty big, y’all.

All the models are cramming for the challenge. VJ and Blonde Rachel hide the only encyclopedia in the house so that they can use it whenever they want, and Victoria is pissed. Brett says that if this is the way it’s going to be, then why not just kill them in their sleep? I can’t make this stuff up, people. And so begins the first fight of the house. Blonde Rachel yells at everyone to quit bitching, and I notice that her arms are very, very skinny, like Nicole-Richie-jogging-on-the-beach skinny.

Edge challenge. It’s called “Puzzle Me Pretty,” not to be confused with “Color Me Mine,” the paint-your-own pottery store. The object is to answer questions correctly to win things like accessories and clothes that will help the models on the next photo shoot. If they don’t win anything, they’ll have to be fugly and naked for the photo shoot. Ooh, not good for model-fat Jesse. Jesse doesn’t think that’s fair, but then again, Jesse doesn’t think anything’s fair. He is one whiny (model fat) bastard.

Mandy Lynn is asked what GOP stands for (not the word “gop,” but the G.O.P. Gop, to my knowledge, isn’t even a word). She says “Governor of Presidents,” when in reality it stands for Grand Old Party. All right, I totally looked that up on Wikipedia, okay? I can’t always have the right answers for you immediately! Stop judging me! I’m totally gorgeous! Mandy Lynn should have just taken her top off and waved her ta-tas in Ben Stein’s face. I’m sure he would have accepted that. Other people get answers right, but we’re not interested in the smart people, are we? I know I’m not. If I have to watch beautiful people on TV, I at least want to know that I’m smarter than them. Or, smarter than they. Whatever.

Pickel picks up on a clue from Ben in a question and shoves it back in everyone’s face, all “sorry you couldn’t get that, guys.” Pickel is a condescending ass throughout the whole challenge, which, oddly, I’m finding attractive. VJ gets a question right and wins Western Wear for himself and Blonde Rachel, and I’m hoping they get plastic guns with snap-caps, because those are always fun. And maybe some ass-less chaps for VJ. Just saying. Jesse and Erika only have body paint and a bed, and guess what? Jesse is still bleeping pissed off about it. Mandy Lynn correctly guesses the last name of Napoleon (Bonaparte)! Everyone’s happy for her, especially Ben Stein. Well, he’s happy for her manchesters. Andre, in interview, calls Lisa a “selfish cow” because she chose a question for a prize of lipstick. Which I think is valid because Andre clearly prefers lip liner. There’s a difference, people, and it shows on camera. Pickel and Aussie Rachael win the challenge with five items.

Ear model.

That night, at the house. VJ and Blonde Rachel “practice” their photo shoot. Which means they touch each other inappropriately and give each other pointers, which are just thinly veiled attempts for the other person to compliment them. Like, “You should look at me like you know you want it.” Lisa and Andre go outside by the fire pit to work as ominous background music begins to play. Ooh, some shit is about to go down! Thanks for setting the mood, VH1. Okay, so things spiral out of control in like 3 seconds.

Lisa says that she wants a second to warm up because she’s cold. And Andre is all, “You people, you are so weak!” It’s like he’s the Hulk, except he’s always a dick, he’s not green, and instead of turning into the Hulk he turns into Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV. Lisa thinks that in order to have chemistry Andre needs to break his barrier. Andre, completely not listening, asks if what’s bothering her is that he’s better. They have this whole argument about teamwork, and Lisa says that he can do it alone and they’ll just both get disqualified. Yeah, she’s serious about the competition. Lisa is going back to the others because they know how to be a team, and Andre says something so awesomely stupid that I have to listen to it three times: “The team of what? Losers?” Call Yakov Smirnoff – Russia has a new top comedian!

Sorry, Yak, we found someone hilarious and gorgeous!

Mary Alice goes to the house at 5:37am to wake everyone up and force them to go into the yard. It’s outrageously bright outside. Is that how L.A. looks at 5:30 in the morning? Lisa says, “Andre and me had a blow-out last night.” It’s Andre and I, Lisa. Geez! You idiot! Mary Alice says that any primping this morning is an unfair advantage to the photo shoot, so everyone has to jump in the pool to even things out. I.e., the producers told her that they had to film girls in wet shirts, and she came up with this excuse at the last minute.

Clothed only in robes (blue robes for boys, pink robes for girls, which I believe are from The Game of Life fall fashion line), the models arrive at the photo shoot. Robert Erdmann is the photographer. He’s world-renowned. Yeah, I haven’t heard of him, either. Oh no! Mary Alice says Robert Erdmann shot Gwen Stefani and Jessica Alba! But it turns out it was with a camera, and not with a shotgun like I initially thought. Thank god. Robert Erdmann looks very German, with his black shirt and his white (and what he probably thinks is stylish) hair.

Jesse lies to the camera and acts as if he’s heard of Herr Erdmann, saying it’s “extremely exciting” to be working with him because he’s “extremely expensive” and “extremely hard to book.” That really sets him apart from other fashion photographers, who are cheap and always have an opening. Shut up, Jesse. Although, he doesn’t shut up. He complains about his stomach to his partner, Erika, at one point actually hiding it under a sheet on the bed. It looks really, really stupid. And you know what? I’m glad. Shut up, Jesse.

Do you want to touch my monkey?

Blonde Rachel and VJ practice some more. Blonde Rachel tells VJ he can grab her ass, but she has one of those weird, lazy accents, so it comes out “Yeah, you can grab my awesss.” Also, she looks like Jewel in her western wear. This is not a compliment, Blonde Rachel. The models have 30 minutes for the photo shoot. Herr Erdmann has an accent that I can’t place. Is he British or Australian? German or Danish? Does it matter? It does not. He says Aussie Rachael is greedy and didn’t help Pickel out at all, except on a couple shots. They look at their photos and pick one. Wait, the models get to pick their own photo for judging? I contest! VJ and Blonde Rachel are up next. The hat is totally hiding Blonde Rachel’s face, but not her “awesss.”

Andre and Lisa are up next. Lisa looks a lot like Maggie Gyllenhaal. Andre surprisingly comes up to Lisa to apologize, and say that he realizes that they are a team and he’s willing to focus on this photo shoot because it’s not fair to her if he doesn’t. Except that I made all of that up. Andre is, of course, an asshole, telling her what to do. I fall in love with Robert Erdmann as he says, “Don’t let him push you around, don’t let him lose your face completely. He’s a greedy bastard.” And then, “He’s a terrible nightmare.” Oh, marry me, man of indiscriminate origin with over-frosted white hair! Andre, in interview, says that he can’t be tamed. I find that hard to believe. If people can train cats to poop in toilets, anything’s possible, that’s what I always say. The photo they choose is of Andre sort of strangling Lisa with a pearl necklace. You need to know that for later on in the program. Trust me.

Mandy Lynn lays her head on Daniel’s crotch. For their photo, I mean. Victoria and Brett are up next. Boring! I’m just gonna come right out and say it – these photos are really lackluster. They’re just not fierce! Here come Jesse and Erika. They’re the only ones with no clothes, but they have body paint. And they’re on a bed with white sheets. I hope someone got fired for that. Jesse once again whines about his model-fatness and blah blah blah. Shut up, Jesse. Ooh. Okay, now I am not a model (nor am I the kind of person who deludes himself into thinking he’s a model *cough* Jesse *cough*), and it appears that Jesse and I have the same sort of stomach shape, which, long story short, not good for a model. It’s good for resting a twelve-ounce can of Pabst Blue Ribbon, though, I can tell you that. Their photos suck, just like everyone else’s. Except more so.

If Kirstie Alley can hide behind a couch in a Pier One ad, then you can cover up with a VH1 logo. It’s only fair. But next time, get a couch.

Time for judgment, bitches! While still in their robes, Mary Alice says that she saw the pictures and was “shocked” . . . by how good they were. Seriously? I don’t want to say that I have a better eye for modeling than the contributing editor for Harper’s Bazaar, but . . . I can’t think of a way to finish this sentence.

She loves Pickel and Aussie Rachael’s pic. VJ and Blonde Rachel have good energy, and are asked if there’s an energy outside the shoot. Blonde Rachel practically screams that, yes! There has been! Desperate much, Blonde Rachel? Girls with arms that skinny need love the most. VJ interviews that Blonde Rachel has a really good soul. Then he bursts out laughing. I don’t know if he was laughing at himself for saying something so stupid, or laughing because he’s being sarcastic, but I choose to believe the latter. I see him rejecting Blonde Rachel later in the season (something about her being psychotic and having toothpick arms) and then her having a complete meltdown. Awesome.

Mary Alice loves Lisa in the pic of her and Andre. Or, she and Andre. Whatever, I’m not on the show, so’s I don’t needs no correct grammar! Herr Erdmann says that Andre will annoy many, many people in his life. Thanks for the news flash, Anchorman Obvious. He says that it will damage Andre’s career unless he shuts up. Take that, you commie bastard! Mary Alice says that Mandy Lynn’s hair looks fabulous, but she doesn’t. And Daniel looks stiff. Well, he did have Mandy Lynn’s head on his crotch. Thank you! I’m here all night! Daniel is looking very sexy in his photo, so I’m leaving Herr Erdmann for Daniel. We’re registered at Pottery Barn and Target, in case you’re interested. Mary Alice says that Daniel and Mandy Lynn chose the wrong photo to show, and I’m wondering where the hell Ben Stein went! Remember him from earlier in the show? Grey hair? Glasses?

Brett looks like Enrique Iglesias in the photo with Victoria. Would you dance, Brett, if I asked you to dance? Would you run, Brett, and never look back? Would you cry, Brett, if you saw me crying? Would you save my soul tonight? Victoria doesn’t look that great, if you ask me, and I know you didn’t, but I’m telling you anyway. Jesse and Erika’s pic is Mary Alice’s least favorite, due to Jesse’s weight, and Erika’s lack of personality. Jesse sums it up like this: “Great. I’m fat and Erika’s boring.” Concise. It comes down to Pickel & Aussie Rachael and Andre & Lisa. Pickel and Aussie Rachael win, obviously. Mary Alice loves Andre and Lisa’s photo, but she will never choose a photo that promotes violence or violence against women. Andre is pleased with her decision, as he thinks that he was, in hindsight, a little misogynistic in the photo shoot. And I made that last sentence up. Andre is pissed, of course.

Quickest way to an ear infection.

Elimination! Aussie Rachael and Pickel are safe, cuz they won the photo thingy. Ben Stein is back! These four people sucked (comparatively speaking): Jesse & Erika, and Daniel & Mandy Lynn. Jesse, in an interview, says that he’s glad Mandy Lynn is there and if he goes home instead of her, he’ll be mad as hell. Shut up, Jesse. Daniel is safe. Yay! Mandy Lynn’s shoot sucked, but she’s got spunk and takes direction (and shows her melons), so she’s safe! AND her hair will be dyed brown! Yay! She seems very grateful. Good for her.

That leaves Jesse and Erika. Which one of them will go home? Are you hoping it’s Jesse? You know you are. Ben and Mary Alice say that Jesse is “so smart” and has a “great look.” And I have “a million dollars” in my “Swiss bank account.” Erika is in high heels, which Mary Alice is glad to see, and has so much going for her, but needs more emotion. Ben Stein, in his witty way, gives some obscure analogy about something science-y and states that Erika has been “invalidated.” Sorry, your parking is no longer free. Erika leaves. Dammit! That leaves 10 American idiots, and 1 Russian (and possibly misogynistic) idiot left in the running for America’s Most Smartest Model. Next week: Tequila. Cake eating. Mary Alice’s new hairstyle. Andre hate. More Andre hate. Blonde Rachel being arrogant and slutty. A workout video. And probably more of Jesse whining and complaining. Til’ then!