America’s Most Smartest Model: Billy Blanks is Very Busy

This week on America’s Most Smartest Model, the fat guy cries, the Russian guy spits, and the toothpick with the bowling ball head kicks. Just another day in paradise.

Uh-oh, who called pierogis disgusting?

I don’t really get the opening credits of this show. It looks like some version of the board game Mousetrap, which I never really got. By the time you get it all set up, it’s like almost bedtime anyway, and what’s the point? There is none. Just like these credits.

House. Night. Blonde Rachel says, “Let’s party!” Surprised? I’m not. Angela says she’ll do a body shot off a girl but not a guy. Nothing screams “I want attention!” quite like being a lesbian for a night. Just ask Tila Tequila. Speaking of tequila, everyone drinks some. Angela does a body shot off Blonde Rachel, and I notice how out of proportion Blonde Rachel’s breasts are with the rest of her body. In case you haven’t seen the show (and I don’t know if I can forgive you for that), she looks like a cocktail onion embedded on a toothpick, with two green olives for breasts. Pickel says Blonde Rachel is sexually frustrated (doi!), and to prove this point, the editors show us Blonde Rachel saying, “Do we have condoms?” Probably, but I’ll bet they’re locked up like the bathroom and fridge. Uh-oh! You must know the year, month, and day of the attack on Pearl Harbor before you do the humpty-hump!

You’re right! Orbit Mint Mojito does smell delicious! Why are your boobs so weird?

Andre is not participating, and the housemates are asking him why. Andre, being the epitome of wit that he always is, says, “Is this like a ‘let’s fuck with Andre’ Soviet day? Or week?” I hope there’s a good parade after the annual Let’s Fuck With Andre Soviet Day (Or Week) 4-H Pancake Breakfast. Aussie Rachael says she’s just trying to get to know him. Why the hell are these people even trying? Did you learn nothing from last week, you weak American/Australian pigs? Then Andre goes on this whole weird diatribe about not fucking with the Russians, and then says something about America and other countries where “no one has sandals and you ride camels.” He’s either talking about the current war in Iraq or a petting zoo. It’s Andre, so really, it could be either/or.

Daniel says that what Andre says is so dumb he can’t not say anything. Andre hulks out and pounds on the table, and VH1 does this stupid camera effect that makes it look that Andre can cause a 7.0 earthquake just by banging on the table. Blonde Rachel drunkenly slurs, “That was intense.” Actually, I can’t tell if she’s drunk or not, since she slurs her words when she’s sober. Everyone leaves Andre by himself. Where the hell is Mandy Lynn and her chesticles? I bet Ben Stein invited her to his trailer for some “late-night cramming.” Later, in the boys’ bedroom, Blonde Rachel, nipples blazing through her wife-beater, spreads her neediness and desperation all over VJ. They sleep together.

Morning. Pickel wants some orange juice, but the fridge is locked, and he has to figure out one half of 1,393,938. Okay, I’m not defending anyone on this show, but that just seems downright mean. They probably did this for Jesse, though, since he’s a big ole fatty. Pickel can’t find a paper and pen, so he gets out a knife and tries to figure out the problem by writing on the banana peel with a knife, like a chimp would do. You know, if chimps had easy access to knives. Next he’ll go to the bedroom and pick the scabies off Blonde Rachel and VJ. That should take awhile. Jesse wakes up and runs on the treadmill. Oh! The way he “runs!” So hilarious! Let’s see, how can I describe it. First off, he’s barely speed walking. Second of all, he’s breathing through his nose. Thirdly, his arms are sashaying way too much. Fourthly, shut up, Jesse.

Keep running.

Note du jour! Something called “Battle of the Bulge.” I don’t know either. Jesse looks worried though. And he’s eating. Way to go, fatty. Daniel and Aussie Rachael talk about Andre, loudly, while Andre’s in bed. Not only is that not smart, it’s not most smartest. They, of course, awaken the beast, who I think slept in his jeans. Maybe that’s how they roll, the Soviets. I guess after a long day of harvesting potatoes for vodka, you just want to go right to bed.

Andre gets all up in Daniel’s face, like almost kissing him. Aw, how cute would that be? They’re arguing about . . . I’m sorry, Jesse is walking around with his shirt off, and I’m distracted, and not in a good way. Put a shirt on, lardo! The room they’re in looks like a chemistry lab, complete with microscopes and beakers, and Blonde Rachel hanging in the corner. Oh, wait. It’s a skeleton. My mistake. Daniel screams to Andre in a very high voice bordering on tears about being disrespected, and Andre interviews for Daniel to shut the fuck up (can’t say I disagree here) and that he will walk all over Daniel and do “the Irish dance all over him.” For those of you too young to remember, he is talking about Riverdance, and Riverdance was awesome. For about 10 seconds. But the fight is cut short because it’s time for the challenge.

Today’s Edge challenge is called “Brain Binge.” Hey, what happened to “Battle of the Bulge?” You can’t just change challenge titles willy-nilly! In front of each person sits a silver dome, like the kind you get when you have room service delivered and pay $14 for watery scrambled eggs. The “models” lift the domes and everyone practically screams. What’s under the dome? Bugs? Worms? Bull testicles? No. Exactly two Twinkies and two sticks of celery. Chill the fuck out, “models.” Basically, Ben will ask questions. Answer wrong, eat a Twinkie. Answer right, eat the celery and Ben will ask a harder follow-up question. Get that one right, you can make someone else eat one of your Twinkies. I hope everyone gives his or her Twinkies to Jesse. Oh, that would be sweet. Sweet like a Twinkie.

The horror!

Jesse’s first. He says Luther Vandross wrote The Star Spangled Banner. And you know what? I believe him. Andre gets two questions about blood cells right, so he gets to give his Twinkies to someone. Of course he chooses Daniel. Mary Alice says that there are 362 calories, 12 grams of fat, and 56 grams of carbs in 3 Twinkies. This probably means something to them, but to me it means absolutely nothing. I just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy last night, so bring it, Mary Alice. But then Daniel gets questions about protons and crap right, so then he gives his Twinkies to . . . Jesse! Ha! Mwahahaha! Daniel says he’s thinking competitively and that’s why he did that. Jesse interviews that it’s an example of Daniel being a bitch. Jesse, don’t open your mouth unless you’re shoving a Twinkie in it. Blonde Rachel says the official language of Australia is Australian. Lisa says diamonds are made of crystal. I say both of those girls are made of stupid.

Round deux. The “models” open the second silver domes to find a piece of chocolate cake and a rice cake. Angela makes a face. Oh, well then, would you eat the chocolate cake if we smeared it all over Blonde Rachel’s boobs, Angela? Methinks you would. Mandy Lynn is asked the age-old question of what weighs more – a ton of feathers or a ton of rocks. She says rocks, of course. Brett interviews the age-old question of what weighs more – Mandy Lynn’s left boob, or her brain. Pretty obvious joke, Brett. Leave the recapping to me, dumbass. Mandy Lynn doesn’t want to eat the cake because she has a “small tummy.” Ben says that if she doesn’t eat it, she can’t participate in the Callback challenge. She still won’t eat it because “uhhh . . . it’s so sweeet . . .” So Ben says she can’t participate in the Callback challenge. Oh no!

Hey! Wait til the question has been asked, Jessie!

No one cares. Lisa gets 2 questions right, so she gives her cake to Andre. Mary Alice gives us nutrition info on the cake, and again, I couldn’t give two craps, while everyone else is completely horrified. And then Aussie Rachael gets 2 questions right, and she gives her cake to Andre too! Oh, sweet, sweet chocolaty justice! Andre grudgingly eats his cake, and I still don’t see the big deal. I’d just be all, “Hey! Free cake!” Brett gets 2 questions right and gives his cake to Andre too! Sweet.

Round 3. Seriously? I think the point has been proven. Oh well. I’ll just beat the dead horse, I guess. The food this time is pancakes and oranges. Angela’s all, “the pancakes were gross, there was syrup soaked all the way through.” I think they cut her off before she said, “But I’d eat the pancakes of Blonde Rachel! But not a guy! But I’d smear them all over Blonde Rachel and eat them off her! I would! You should all watch me, cuz I’ll do it!” Poor Angela, the neglected bastard step-cousin of America’s Most Smartest Model. Blonde Rachel says Brad shot JFK. I check my college American History book to see if she’s right. She is not. See? Aren’t you glad I fact-check for you people? And then, apparently the game is over. What the hell? Round 3 was one freaking question? Not that I’m complaining.

Callback Challenge. Mary Alice gives them an hour to get into workout clothes and then head outside. That’s the challenge? Seems pretty easy to me. What’s that? Oh, okay – apparently there is more to the challenge than just getting dressed. Too bad for Mandy Lynn. Angela interviews that she was trying to digest the food to get ready for the challenge. Listening to her voice, I realize Angela is a total smoker. Mandy Lynn gets a package at the door, turns out it’s brown hair dye from Mary Alice. Will she be able to dye her hair by herself? Will it take one hour or less? We’ll have to wait and see. Darnit! She goes outside with everyone else. But I don’t understand – Mandy Lynn didn’t eat her cake, so why is she participating in the challenge? Ben Stein said she couldn’t! I’m so confused! Eh, who cares.

RugRat

Mary Alice introduces Gilad, the guy who isn’t Jake Steinfeld or Billy Blanks and makes fitness DVDs. And who obviously dyes his hair and eyebrows. Daniel is really, really excited to meet Gilad, which just, ew. It creeps me out. He can’t stop smiling. Anyways, Gilad is looking for a model for his new fitness video, as well as publicity for his waning popularity among the coveted 18-49 year-olds, i.e., VH1′s entire viewing population. The “models” will be judged on stamina, enthusiasm, form, and articulation. Ah, so Mary Alice asks Mandy Lynn why she’s there if there’s no way she can win. Mandy Lynn says she may as well participate, and even though she can’t win, it’s better than sitting in her room. Mystery solved! Gilad likes her spirit. Mary Alice is contractually obligated to agree with him. She sits on her coutered ass with a glass of moderately priced champagne and watches everyone. Ready? Okay!!

Now this is a video I’d buy and do religiously.

VH1 plays awesome cheesy 80s music while everyone works out. Mandy Lynn, off on the grass to the side, loses count, and then gets edited to the point where it sounds like she has had no prior knowledge of numbers even existing before this show. Gilad makes fun of Jesse’s roll of fat. I like Gilad now. Jesse interviews that he is the weakest link in this challenge, but he refuses to give up. Apparently though, he doesn’t refuse to do it in a completely half-assed way. Way to hang in there, tub of lard. Blonde Rachel says that she was “full of food” so she was having trouble. She then goes on to say that she was on her period, so she had cramps. I bet when VJ saw this episode he was relieved! I know I am. Mandy Lynn just doesn’t get the hang of it, so she asks Mary Alice if she can go inside and do her hair. She’s totally acting like Mary Alice is her teacher, and she’s asking her if she can go inside instead of playing kickball at recess with the other kids. Mary Alice says that’s a good idea. Mandy Lynn scampers off into the house, like a big-boobed woodland creature.

Now it’s time for one on ones with each “model.” Gilad also invites the viewers at home to participate. Sure, Gilad. If by “participate” you mean sitting on my ass on the couch while eating a can of Pringles and a bag of mini Snickers, drinking a can of High Life. Brett’s first. He’s really not attractive, if you ask me. Aussie Rachael does really well. Blonde Rachel is just plain terrifying. Pickel . . . well, Pickel once again reminds us that he has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD for a reason. Jesse’s sweating like a whore in church and moves really, really slow. Daniel . . . damn. Way over-enthusiastic. Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri would tell him to reel it in. Andre yells at America in Russian, takes over from Gilad, and basically acts like he’s a James Bond villain from the 80s. Lisa’s in sync with Gilad and does pretty well. Jesse whines about something while I finish off my Pringles.

Gilad’s going to call 2 people to have an exercise-off to see who gets to be in the video. Brett and Aussie Rachael are the chosen ones. Daniel is sad – again, in a really, really creepy way. Remember last time when I said Daniel and I are together, and that we’re registered at Target and Pottery Barn? Yeah, we’re broke up, and the register’s now under Daniel and Gilad. I’ve already gotten them the spice rack, so you’ll need to find something else. So the two have a work-out-off. Ooh, they’re both really good.

Aussie Rachael is the first to talk to the audience. She totally takes command of the camera and situation. Brett is okay, but pretty unsure of himself. Gilad picks Brett, god knows why. Well, I have my suspicions (wink wink nudge nudge), but that’s all they are! I swear! Everyone else is like, “Wha?! Brett?” And I agree. Aussie Rachael clearly did a better job than Brett. VJ says out loud that Aussie Rachael blew him away, and Brett hears him, since there’s no whispering on a reality show. Everyone must be able to hear all disparaging remarks about themselves at all times. Brett calls everyone for this stupid group huddle thing about what VJ said. Brett interviews that VJ thinks that he’s the best and that’s why VJ’s pissed. Brett, dude, it’s about VJ thinking Aussie Rachael was better, not himself. Brett? Not the most smartest, I can tell you that.

What’s in your pants?

House. Jesse’s packing. I get excited about that. Blonde Rachel once again blabs her big mouth about how she was on her period, and she’d like to see a guy exercise on his period. I’d like to see that too, Blonde Rachel, as it would completely defy human biology. Mandy Lynn dyed her hair. It does look better. Not that it matters, because she didn’t eat the cake. Not that that matters to Ben Stein, because she has big boobies.

Elimination, bitches! Brett’s safe cuz he won that lame Gilad challenge. Mary Alice comments on Mandy Lynn’s hair, asking if she did it herself and saying (swear to god), “And you read the directions right, I see.” Ouch! Ben asks her where she got her outfit. The top is Victoria’s Secret and the skirt is from a store in New York. I guess Ben is taking notes so he can be a drag queen version of Mandy Lynn. Mandy Lynn should be flattered. Dude, her boobs look HUGE in the top! Andre’s called out first. Both Mary Alice and Ben say that people gave him cake because they hate him. Andre makes some excuse, which includes the statement that his parents are diplomats. Ben rightfully yells that if his parents are diplomats then he should be used to getting along with people. You go, Ben Stein!

Andre goes on to say that they agreed to disagree (apparently, the Russian language equivalent of “agree to disagree” is “get so close to someone’s face that you spit on them while you yell at them, and also pound your fist on some stuff because it’ll make you look tough.”). Ben’s all, “What you talkin’ bout, Andre?” And Andre calls him a liar. Mary Alice won’t tolerate disrespect, and Andre should take that anger and focus it on the competition. Right after he’s dismissed, he says to Mary Alice, “You look amazing, by the way.” Barf. Shut up, comrade. But Andre will stay in the competition because he provides drama. Jesse’s called out, and interview whines about how it’s not fair. Dude, don’t whine about being the weakest link, don’t acknowledge the fact that you have to lose weight or be sent home, don’t pack your bags, and then whine about how it’s not fair that you’re called out to be sent home. And also, don’t run like Forrest Gump’s 13 year-old daughter at her very first junior high track meet. Just saying.

So not fair.

Mandy Lynn is called out next and says, rather snottily, “Well, that’s a shocker.” Seriously, she can’t be surprised, can she? She didn’t eat the freakin’ cake! Blonde Rachel is next. Don’t you hate it when two people you really want to go home are in the bottom two? It’s just not fair! Mary Alice is concerned that Blonde Rachel is too thin, but she’s safe. Again, Mandy Lynn has heart. And while Ben Stein is talking to her, she rearranges her boobs and Ben stares at them openly and has a hard time forming sentences. Mandy Lynn’s breasts have a power all to themselves. I bet they keep secrets from Mandy Lynn.

Jesse’s not being smart enough and they’re not concerned he even is a model. Can we just rename the show to America’s Most Obvious Remark Making Hosts? It’s a tough decision, but in the end Mandy Lynn is sent home. Huh, I guess it wasn’t all that tough. Who’s surprised? No one. Jesse is warned about working harder. He starts crying. Jesse interviews that he’s sad to see Mandy Lynn go. Yes, I was shocked too and yelled at the TV, “Oh, who the hell do you think you’re kidding, you fat bastard?!” But then he completed his thought and said, “I’m even sadder because now the person lower on the pole than me is gone.” So he’s only sad for himself. That’s our Jesse!

Blonde Rachel looks up at Jesse, like, “Are you seriously crying?” We’re reminded that only one person can win the Alberto V05 shampoo campaign prize and $100,000. I notice how they don’t mention the words “national” campaign, or the magazine it will run in. I’m guessing it will be in the free supermarket circular that comes for free in your mailbox. And the commercial will run on the Milwaukee Korean public access channel at 4:30am. Now that’s good publicity!

Next week: Bill Nye (the Science Guy). Experiments. Make your own sunless tan lotion. Nerds. Shaving of nerds. Andre argues with someone. I stab myself in the eye.