America’s Most Smartest Model: More Than a Six Pack… a LOT More

This week on America’s Most Smartest Model, the “models” have to do science fair projects with Bill Nye the Science Guy, who turns out to be weirder than you remembered, nerds fill a much-needed void within the show as they submit themselves to shaving and a liberal supply of homemade tanning lotion, and Jesse accuses VJ of sabotaging a photo shoot, but not to VJ’s face, of course. That’s just not the Jesse way! Ten “models” remain, but one has to go home, so let’s get to it.

Just hand this chick the title and get it over with.

Mandy Lynn is gone! Are you sad? Next time, eat the cake, boobalicious. What will Ben Stein do without Mandy Lynn’s breasts to show him the truth and the light? Also, what will I do without Mandy Lynn boob jokes?! They were a gold mine of material.

National Endowment for the Tarts

Mousetrap credits. The house, night, after the elimination (which to us was last week, but to the contestants was like 5 minutes ago). Andre has a problem: He has a pink room and no roommates. That ain’t your only problem, Ruskie, as we’ve seen in the news that you may be a sex offender. At the very least a serial date rapist. Maybe that’s how they do things in Russia, but . . . actually, I highly doubt that’s how they do things in Russia.

Wow, all of Andre’s roommates have gone home. That room is cursed, y’all. Daniel talks about the fight he had Andre last week (or yesterday, if you live in the house), and his voice sounds like he sucked down a balloon of helium before talking. Has his voice always been that high? His hotness factor is fading, fading away. Daniel says Andre never apologized and that he should take responsibility. Dude. I don’t even live in the house and I can tell you that that will never, ever happen. Why the heck aren’t these people learning? Are they stupid? Oh, wait – yes. Yes they are.

Blonde Rachel and Jesse are talking. Or rather, Jesse is talking about himself and Blonde Rachel is feigning interest and really just thinking about the next opportunity she’ll have to rub her toothpick body all over VJ. Remember last week when Mary Alice rightfully said that Jesse was fatty fat fat and that he wasn’t really a model? So does Jesse. He also says he’s mad at himself for crying during elimination. He shouldn’t take himself so seriously. He should laugh at himself, along with the rest of America.

Blonde Rachel says that crying is good, and says something about her being on her period. Again. We get it, Blonde Rachel. I don’t see why she would keep bringing it up unless she just got it for the first time ever. I imagine Mary Alice pulling her aside, sitting the two of them on the couch, glass of champagne in hand, telling Blonde Rachel that today she is a woman, and she should start acting like one, instead of a boozy whore.

That bedspread makes you look fat.

Pickel and VJ discuss Jesse as Andre mumbles in the background, most likely trying to memorize the speech his lawyers have prepared for him. VJ says Jesse’s done extremely well in all the intellectual challenges. Uh-huh. Like when he said Luther Vandross wrote “The Star Spangled Banner.” Pickel says Jesse’s a funny guy. I say Pickel’s an idiot. Then Pickel says, “…nature is taking its course. I mean, he’s gay, he’s black, he’s overweight, he has insecurities about one of those things, at least.” Andre: “He’s not insecure because he’s gay or black, he’s insecure because he’s fucking fat.” Okay, that was kind of funny. And no, Andre, just because I gave you a compliment does not mean you have the right to touch me inappropriately.

Morning. Stupid morning oboe music plays. A new code on the bathroom door, which is “Independence Day.” Methinks Mary Alice and Ben Stein have just given up all hope of these people becoming intelligent. What’s next – “the number after 1 (hint: it’s not 3!)?”

Note du jour. Something about science class, which makes me immediately want to fall asleep. Blonde Rachel interviews that she did well in science class, but she cheated off someone. They have to divide up into teams of two. VJ and Jesse pair up. VJ interviews that people may be surprised he didn’t pick Blonde Rachel, but I think he’s giving everyone way too much credit. No one cares, dipshit. Only Blonde Rachel, Aussie Rachael, Lisa, and Andre remain.

Stop making fun of Jesse!

Lisa doesn’t want to be partners with Andre, because he’s just too happy and perky all the time and it just gets on her nerves. Or, because he sort of strangled her with beads on their last photo shoot together. So, Lisa picks Blonde Rachel. Blonde Rachel thinks she should have been with VJ. Blonde Rachel is nothing if not predictable. And cursed with crazy eyes and a lazy accent that makes her stretch out every word as if simply speaking was just too much effort. Which is probably the case.

Aussie Rachael and Andre end up as partners. They enter the common room where Ben Stein says that today will be a science fair! Yay! Ben says that this is something that every 8th grader in America is familiar with. Except not, because we never had a science fair in our school. We had “conservation poster” contests, in which we made lame posters about farming or oil or some ecological crap like that. I notice that Lisa is almost as skinny as Blonde Rachel. Put the two of them together and they weigh about a third of what Jesse weighs. Speaking of which, Jesse is eating what appears to be either an energy bar or a candy bar during the whole introductory speech by Mary Alice and Ben. Eating in front of the judges? Not the best way to convince them that you’re trying to lose weight, lardo. Mary Alice introduces Bill Nye (the Science Guy) to help them! Whoo-hoo! I remember him from . . . that stuff he did. Bill Nye is one of those people who you remember, but you’re just not exactly sure what from. Was he on PBS? Nickelodeon? Did he guest star on Full House and The Cosby Show? I’m pretty sure he was and did all of the above . . . or am I?

I loved you on Magnum, PI!

Everyone is contractually obligated to interview that a.) They know who Bill Nye (The Science Guy) is, and b.) Kiss his ass as much as possible. Bill Nye (The Science Guy) is wearing his trademark blue overcoat and bow tie, the same one he wore on The Cosby Show. Or Full House. He’s sort of the opposite of a superhero. Nerdy Clark Kent becomes badass Superman to save lives. Nerdy Bill Nye becomes the nerdy Science Guy to save . . . paramecium, or litmus paper.

Everyone picks a topic from a silver bowl that Blonde Rachel will no doubt barf into on a later episode. Jesse and VJ get “volcano,” which everyone knows is the easiest, lamest science fair project ever. Lisa and Blonde Rachel get “magnetic levitation.” Ooh, ouch. They’ll be judged on their accuracy, quality of visual aid, and overall grasp of topic. Ben seems a little out of it, since the only thing he wants to grasp are Mandy Lynn’s boobs. I don’t care if she’s gone now; it’s just too easy. The prize is a box that will give them an edge in the Edge challenge. I’m going to assume that there’s something inside that will help them, and not the box itself. That would just be stupid.

The “models” work on their projects. Bill Nye (the Science Guy) helps people by acting like an overdramatic jackass. There’s no advice given, just random bits of theatrical stupidity. But when he gets to Blonde Rachel and Lisa, he asks, what does “mag lev” stand for? Blank stares. “What does levitation mean?” Blank stares. “Do you know how a toaster works?” Blank stares. I am disappointed when he does not advise them to stick a metal fork in one to see how. Blonde Rachel interviews that she was really confused, and you guys, no matter where you pause your screen in a Blonde Rachel interview, you’re going to get bug eyes and teeth.

See?

Pickel says he and Brett are going to do a “shtick.” Oh, lord, where’s that toaster when you need it? I’m already embarrassed for them. Andre wants himself and Aussie Rachael to be in swimsuits. That’s actually not a bad idea. What the crap? Why am I agreeing with Andre in this episode? That’s not cool.

Lisa interviews that she was ready to “b.s. this project the whole way through,” in a really fake way that leads me to believe that was the 5th take of the sentence. Project time! Blonde Rachel and Lisa are up first. They suck. Pickel interviews that if it’s a traveling circus, then they will win. That would be a really crappy circus, I must say. It would take a helluva lot of funnel cakes to get me through the wondrous magic of magnetic levitation. Pickel and Brett do their “shtick,” and it is so embarrassing that I get all sweaty and nervous because I just cannot believe that they’re willing to do this in front of real, live people. It’s like junior high improv olympics. But they do seem to have lots of examples of gravity, which is to say they drop stuff on the ground.

Andre and Aussie Rachael come out in tight swimsuits. They use water and food coloring to demonstrate density flow as well as the fact that they have no idea what the hell they’re talking about. Jesse and VJ are up next. Bill Nye (the Science Guy) asks Jesse what a “volcanologist” is, and Jesse seriously doesn’t know. Sound it out, Jesse. Sound it out. Just forget it. He doesn’t know anything about volcanoes really, and interview-whines about how the judges are calling him out on being “deficient. Or inefficient.” Really, take your pick, viewers. Jesse looks like RuPaul without his makeup. Well, maybe a little base and blush. And some mascara. Jesse and VJ try to make their volcano erupt, and it takes awhile to get started, but once it does, it doesn’t stop for a really long time. Like Jesse at Old Country Buffet, maybe? Daniel and Angela talk about their solar house. It’s completely boring which instantly means it must be scientifically accurate.

Please don’t eat the volcano.

Judgment. Blonde Rachel and Lisa are pretty but not scientists. Again with the obviousness, judges! They get a D+. Andre and Aussie Rachael get a C+. Pickel and Brett, our little Laverne & Shirley, get an A-. Ben Stein says that he didn’t learn a “damn thing” that he didn’t already know from Jesse and VJ. Not even that Jesse and un-dragged RuPaul look very similar? C-. Jesse whines and whines. Angela and Daniel get an A+. They win the box. Inside is sunless tan lotion and Mary Alice says they get a professional sunless tanning session, which will give them The Edge in the next challenge. The rest have to spread margarine all over themselves and sit out in the sun. Just kidding! Like they’d trust Jesse with a tub of Country Crock.

House. Pickel says he and Brett have this in the bag because they’re ripped. I’m assuming they mean muscled and toned and not drunk, but with this bunch, it’s never safe to assume. Ack! What’s that dark shadow passing over the house?! Is there a solar eclipse?! No. It is just Jesse’s naked stomach. He’s looking at himself in the mirror, and interview whines about being fat and how his “exotic face” will save him in the photo challenge. He says he is going to use VJ to help him make a great photo. I don’t know what he means, or how he thinks this will work.

Everyone lines up in the common room. Holy crap! Blonde Rachel has way too much makeup on! What, did she use Homer Simpson’s make-up gun? That’s just horrifying. The teams (still the same as the other challenge) have to make an ad for a mock sunless tanning lotion called Bronze-o-Matic, who’s slogan is, “We can make anybody look good.”

Alright, Miss Fletcher, get some lotion on.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is the best that this show could come up with. Angela and Daniel get to have actual sunless tanning lotion and a professional session, while the others have to make it themselves with the ingredients before them. Mary Alice brings out a surprise third member of each team, people who have been “playing World of Warcraft” in their basements for “four months.” Ha! I love how people just mention World of Warcraft and the first thought that comes into your head is “dork!” Sad, but oh-so true.

The nerds file out. They’re pasty and stringy-haired, the way ugly people are. Believe me, I know – I’ve seen plenty of ‘em. So the teams smear a bunch of crap on the skin of the nerds. The poor guy who got stuck with Blonde Rachel and Lisa is going to get shaved. Blonde Rachel asks if that’s okay, and he says that it’s fine, and that he’s a “furry, furry individual.” That’s one of those nerd jokes where it’s funny to no one but the nerd, and everyone else is like, “Ooookkkayyyy,” and starts freezing him out of the group. Blonde Rachel interviews that some hair is okay, but when you’re the “hairy grizilla monster” it’s just not cool. You know what else isn’t cool, Blonde Rachel? Not blinking for abnormally long periods of time. Seriously – she never seems to close her eyes. It freaks me out.

Speaking of freaks, Lisa and Blonde Rachel shave the poor guy. I mean all over – arms and everything, which is just mean. Andre wants his nerd to be naked. But not in a gay way! Andre won’t touch him, so Aussie Rachael spreads the sunless love all over him. She’s really nice about it, though. I like Aussie Rachael. She doesn’t cause a lot of drama. She won’t last long. Angela and Daniel sit around and do nothing while their nerd is sprayed with tanning lotion in the professional spray booth. Like 18 times. And he’s still whiter than the purest snow. Pickel and Brett shower their nerd-ette in cocoa powder and lotion, but sadly, not attention, which she so desperately needs. After it dries, it looks like poo. Um . . . literally. All over her. Time’s up!

Poor girl. Poor, poor girl. Oh Jesus. Poor girl. That is all.

Each team gets 30 minutes to shoot a photo with the nerd and then pick the photo. I don’t think it’s fair that the “models” get to pick the photo, but I’m basing my fairness on Cycles 1-4 and 7 of America’s Next Top Model. Jay Manuel would never let them pick their own pictures. I bet he’d go for the fake tan, though. Melissa Manning, “celebrity photographer” (a.k.a. she once took a picture of Meg Ryan at a stoplight with her cell phone camera), is today’s photographer. Today’s Edge challenge is all about quality: Quality of photo and quality of the lotion.

Pickel and Brett put flowers and plants all over their nerd-ette. Melissa Manning tells nerd-ette to “give a lot of oomph.” Oomph, I believe, is a technical photography term that means, “I don’t really know what the hell to say. I haven’t really done this before and I don’t give direction that well, so please just pretend that you’re doing something interesting. Thank you.” Lisa and Blonde Rachel are next. They hide the nerd as best they can because ugly people should be shot with guns, not cameras.

Andre and Aussie Rachael’s nerd is full on naked. I do have to say they got the most attractive of the nerd-men, which is to say that he’s a better model than Jesse. Aussie Rachael gets a little too much nerd wang in the face as she rests her head on his thigh. Andre doesn’t seem to care much, as he looks as if he’s in heaven with his head resting on the nerd’s other thigh. Jesse tells Melissa that their nerd-ette is Tara Reid. I knew she looked familiar! I’m so glad that Ms. Tara-dise is back on the small screen again. It won’t be long before she stars in a direct-to-DVD National Lampoon movie! Yay!

Jesse, who is wearing a shirt for pete’s sakes, gets jealous of VJ hogging the camera. I can’t tell if VJ is actually doing this, or that it’s just that Jesse looks so bad in this photo shoot that even a freakin’ cactus could out-model him.

Hey! You’re wasting calories! Hand that bottle over, bitches!

Angela and Daniel make their guy do dorky poses to play up the nerd factor while they worship and adore him. In interview, Angela says that he normally wouldn’t hang out with people of their “caliber” but because he’s got “this tan, now he’s cool enough.” It sounds like she was talking about the concept of the shoot, and not about her own personal opinion. After the shoot, Jesse complains to Andre that VJ stole the spotlight. This is what really pisses me off about Jesse. See, he knows that Andre will of course say something to VJ about it, so therefore Jesse gets revenge on VJ without any muss or fuss, and can be free to secretly eat an entire box of Malomars while the camera is focused on the Andre drama. Wussiness, thy name is Jesse!

Judgment. Again. Mary Alice says we should get right to the pictures. She thinks Pickel & Brett’s picture sucked because the nerd-ette’s tan was bad and they prominently featured her in the pic. Blonde Rachel & Lisa’s pic is equally sucky. Aussie Rachael & Andre’s pic is good, including the nerd’s tan. Daniel & Angela’s pic is actually very nice. The nerd looks funny, but what’s best about it is Daniel’s gorgeousness. Mary Alice says he’s stepped up his game. And I have to say – he looks really, really hot. Pause it. You’ll see. I know I did. Four times.

VJ and Jesse – Mary Alice says the pic is all about VJ. She wanted more of Jesse. Well, the camera does add 10 pounds, Mary Alice. How much more do you want? And Jesse interviews that VJ sabotaged his photo shoot, even though Jesse said, on camera, that he was going to use VJ to get a good photo. Andre tells Jesse to tell Mary Alice what Jesse told him about VJ, about sabotaging the photo shoot. Stick with me – I know this is getting complicated, but it pays off in the end, believe me. Jesse, who you would think would be crushed by now, what with all that fat and no spine, does nothing. So Andre tells everyone at elimination that Jesse said that VJ was sabotaging Jesse. Only VJ misunderstands and thinks that Andre is saying that he overheard VJ saying these things. Mary Alice asks if VJ is sure he wasn’t sabotaging the picture, because he made his body look good and no one else’s. Jesse laughs a very snarky laugh in his way too short short-shorts. Aussie Rachael and Andre win the challenge because their picture was the best.

You have a bat in your cave.

Elimination, bitches! Jesse thinks he’s going home tonight. The “models” “walk” the “runway.” Lame! Everyone’s nervous because they’re either stupid or ugly. Or perhaps both. Andre and Aussie Rachael are safe. Blonde Rachel and Lisa are called to elimination together. Blonde Rachel does that thing she always does in elimination where she shakes her head up and down uncontrollably. It’s annoying. Jesse is next. Mary Alice says Jesse hasn’t taken her advice at all, and that he may be a great actor (like, compared to Pickel and Brett? Because even then, NO), but he’s not acting like a great model. No one’s taking the whole thing seriously, says Ben Stein. Okay, that’s all well and good, but how seriously are they supposed to take science fair projects with Bill Nye The Science Guy, homemade tanning lotion, and nerd-shaving? They can only take it as seriously as the show takes itself, and at this point, there’s nothing about the show that even suggests that these people can have serious careers in modeling after this debacle. Whoa, how’d my horse get so high? Sorry about that.

Anyway, Ben basically says that Lisa is pretty but stupid, and she proves him right by smiling and agreeing with him. Blonde Rachel is an idiot, but “very pretty.” It was again, a very hard decision, but . . . Jesse is gone! Awesome. Call Pizza Hut – Jesse wants a P’Zone. He blabs about how being a model is more than a six-pack. And then he says the most After-School Special-ish phrase I have ever heard anyone say in my life (and I have seen “School Boy Father” with Rob Lowe and Nancy McKeon): “I may not be their choice of America’s Most Smartest Model, but I’m still Jesse. And I love me a WHOLE bunch.” Damn. Somewhere, in the glow of his television set, Webster is throwing up in his mouth.

Bye, bye, Miss American Pie Eater.

Next week: Pig dissection. Andre yells. A cold-shower commercial. VJ’s sneakiness. But no Jesse! Sweet.