America’s Most Smartest Model: One Little Piggy Went Home

You’re getting verrrry sleeeeepy….

This week on America’s Most Smartest Model, Jim Morrison teaches high school biology, Blonde Rachel goes all Charlotte’s Web on us when it comes to fetal pig dissection, Andre tattles on not one, but two housemates, VJ makes steady gains on his evilness campaign, which may pay off in the end, and Ben and Mary Alice demand a Smart Off! Who will go home? Do we even care now that Mandy Lynn and Jesse are gone? Amazingly, yes!

First Mandy Lynn and now Jesse? Whom will I make fun of now? I’m sad. Thank god for Blonde Rachel and Andre. And Pickel, VJ, Angela, Aussie Rachael, Lisa, Brett, and Daniel. Bring it on, VH1! My snark knows no bounds.

It’s the beginning of a new day, and as Brett works out, Andre says there’re 9 people left and he’s planning on sticking around. You know, to yell at people, sexually harass the women, and talk about stupid Soviet crap. Ew, VJ and Blonde Rachel wake up together. Blonde Rachel interviews in her drawl, “We wake up ehnd I’m cuddling with VJ agaaaiin ehnd I love cuddling with hehm because he’s extremely hawwwwt ehnd it’s always a nice way to wake up in the morning.” Sorry, Blonde Rachel, but if the whole modeling thing doesn’t work out you will not have a second career reading books on tape.

Lovely Bones Chapter One: Theh dayy I died wasth weally haaaawd.

Angela screams that there’s a note du jour. There’s an anatomy book with the note, and Angela says she got her degree in animal sciences so she knows a lot about biology. Her thesis was titled: How to Get Attention in a Reality Show: Doing Body Shots Off a Girl With Strange Breasts. The note says that today’s Edge challenge is all about anatomy, “but not the kind VJ and Rachel have been studying late at night.” Oh, snap, Mary Alice! They have to study the book for their challenge. There’s only one copy. Well, that’s not fair! Do they explicitly want to cause drama and perhaps tension in the house? Oh. They do.

VJ grabs the book and runs because he’s a turd. You guys, seriously, the book is like 1,000 pages long. I’d say eff it and just get drunk. I’m willing to bet Blonde Rachel is thinking the same thing. How come no one drinks on this show anymore? Alcohol + stupid people who think they’re purdy=good times. That’s what I always say. Next, Andre gives us a teensy bit of insight into how he regards women. So, there’s all this anatomy stuff in the house: a skeleton, a giant ear (where’s the giant cotton swab?), and one of those creepy womb cross-sections that I assume they have in every gynecologist’s office. He notices there was a “male fetus, he’s not even born yet, and the woman’s suffocating him. It reminded me of my ex relationship.” I guess this woman carried a full-grown Andre around in her stomach. What a bitch! No wonder he dumped her. I bet the on-site psychologist gave up on Andre after one meeting. Since VJ has the anatomy book, everyone else studies the encyclopedias. God, this episode is really uninteresting so far. Stupid America’s Most Smartest Model! Be funny! I am missing Jesse and Mandy Lynn. Those were better days, my friends.

If a single tear isn’t dripping down your face while looking at the above pic, you have no heart.

Angela voice-overs that she’s going to know what she’s doing in the challenge. She loves science. She is really good at science. And the rest better watch out because she’s going to “blow ‘em out of the water.” Angela even does the oh-no-you-didn’t head shake. Whatever. Rule #1 of reality TV: The person who brags about a special skill will totally suck ass in the challenge that incorporates it. Science Girl annoys everyone with her knowledge of sciencey . . . ness. They go outside and it’s “freezing.” It’s L.A., so I’m guessing it’s 68 degrees. Last February, there were like 3 days in a row where the high temperature didn’t get over 0 in Chicago. Shut the hell up, people.

The “models” are chauffeured to a high school. I hope they have to eat in the cafeteria. Yesterday they had spaghetti, so today it’s goulash. What’s the difference? Seriously. I’m asking you because I don’t know. They’re in a school biology lab. That takes me back. To hell. Their biology teacher is named . . . Jim Morrison. Come on baby, light my Bunsen burner. A white mystery sheet covers something on the counter. The sheet is lifted to reveal fetal pigs that the “models” are going to be dissecting for the challenge. Everyone freaks out. Okay, where did these people grow up? We dissected worms, sea anemone, pigs, rats, sharks, and other crap from junior high on up to 12th grade. I was really non-plussed when Jim Morrisson lifted the sheet. Maybe it’s just a Kansas thing, I don’t know. Blonde Rachel is disgusted. And in the interview, it appears she has a Grateful Dead skull tattoo on the inside of her wrist. Wow, that’s lame. And also, ouch.

Blonde Rachel tells us she had a pig named Chelsea, who looked like the fetal pigs when she was a baby, according to her. Who would let Blonde Rachel own an animal? I would like to slap them. Repeatedly. Mr. Morrison tells us that the pigs never lived, because the mother had some sort of disease and instead of “sending the babies through the pain of birthing them, they were given a cesarean section and pulled out ahead of time.” Oh, that is such a load of horseshit, Jim Morrison! Either sing “L.A. Woman” or get the hell out of my face.

Oh, calm yourselves down, PETA. These pigs were aborted as a favor.

Edge Challenge: 30 minutes to extract the heart, liver, lungs, intestines, tongue, stomach, kidneys, gall bladder, and (of course) testicles. VJ interviews that he worked as a butcher previously, so he’s going to win. His hair looks a lot shorter in the interviews. Interesting. Whoever wins the Edge will get a script for the shower commercial being shot tomorrow, and will be the only one who gets warm water. Everyone freaks out again. This show should be called America’s Most Overest-Reactors. It’s cold water, you freaking idiots. They’re acting like Ben Stein said they’d be shooting the commercial while he slaps them on their bare asses with a pig fetus. Let’s get started. Ben wisely says “safety first,” which I agree with because my sophomore biology partner sliced my finger open while trying to extract a shark eye. The eye looked dang cool, though.

Science Girl Angela is overly confident as she grabs her pig and hikes it over her shoulder, as if to say, “Dissect this, bitches!” She interviews that she has an edge over everyone else because she’s dissected a fetal pig before. Angela, you are THIS close to being my new Jesse! And so it begins.

Aussie Rachael can hear the skin splitting. Mr. Morrison says that the more of the organ on the tray, the more points they get. Way to add more rules after the contest began, Jim. Holy effing crap. Daniel has his bangs and other parts of his hair in a scrunchie on top of his head, like the girl you knew in high school who always wore a leather jacket reeking of cigarette smoke and loved horses and unicorns. Perhaps you were that girl, and I pray that you outgrew that phase.

Blonde Rachel is having issues with her pig Chelsea and starts having trouble breathing. She assumes this weird standing position to take deep breaths. I think she thinks it’s yoga or something, but it just looks silly. Then she gives us her spiritual philosophy of how the pig is just a body and we all leave our bodies behind. She’s so deep, like a $14.99 plastic kiddie pool outside Wal-Mart. Then she goes to town on that fucker, trying to rip it apart. Chelsea, nooooooo! I would totally scream that at her if I were one of the other “models.” It would really mess her up.

Baby killer!!!!!

10 minutes left. Oh, the suspense . . . less-ness. No one can find piggy nads. Time’s up! Mr. Morrison evaluates. Aussie Rachael thought the bladder was a testicle. In her defense, she’s always had that problem. Ugh, they’re getting “graded” again. Lame! She gets a B. VJ got an A. Andre used the pancreas as a testicle and couldn’t find the gall bladder. Dumbass. He got a C. He interviews that they are models, not rocket scientists. Um, Andre? That’s like, physics and chemistry and this is biology. Shut up. Blonde Rachel gets an A-. She’s happy because she did well in the “smarts department.” But it comes with a price — when will the pigs stop screaming, Blonde Rachel? When will the pigs stop screaming?

Brett only had ¾ of his tongue, so he gets an A-. Lisa gets a B. Pickel gets an A. Angela kept a clean work space and did a clean job with the organs, but Mr. Morrison didn’t give a grade to keep us in suspense. It has the opposite effect on me. He says the same thing to Daniel. It all comes down to these two. But Angela’s lungs were split, so she gets an A-. Daniel gets an A+. Mr. Morrison, sadly, did not dock him for the scrunchie. Daniel wins! He gets the script and the warm water for the commercial. See? I told you Angela wouldn’t win. Gee, I sure hope she doesn’t whine about it. Well, she doesn’t really, but she definitely starts a shit storm.

You see, Angela, not being satisfied with everything, checks to see if Lisa’s pig did in fact have testicles. Angela says it did. So, Andre is all, “Your pig has testicles! It’s not fair!” God, how many times have I heard THAT old excuse? Lisa says it’s the teacher’s choice, and she doesn’t want to start anything, but she gets involved anyway, saying that she’s not to blame. Which is true. Andre says, “It’s fairness! It’s called America!” Yes, that’s the American dream, isn’t it folks? Life, liberty, and testicles on every pig. What’s the big? It’s not like Lisa won the challenge. The “models” say the word “testicles” too much. It has lost all meaning to me now. Andre actually goes to Mr. Morrison to tell him about it. So, Mr. Morrison investigates and confirms that Angela is right. Aren’t all final grades final? Let Lisa have the B and get me the heck out of this stupid excuse for drama! Lisa gets a C now. I actually feel bad for Lisa. Andre ruins everything! Finally — we’re done with Testiclegate.

Back at the house, Daniel says he needs to “practice” his lines. Um, it’s called “rehearsal” in this industry, okay Scrunchie Man? Andre takes a cold shower, practicing for tomorrow, which isn’t a bad idea.

Wait a second! This is the same way he practiced for Testiclegate!

Commercial time. Not real commercials. What’s the point of recapping those? I meant the commercial the models are filming. You know, the one for a fake product that will never air? It’s for Lather soap. Matte Heinze is the Director of Brand Management for Lather, and also has the honor of having what is probably the most pretentious name I’ve ever seen. Is his full name Mattethew?

Coming in a close second is Zosimo Maximo, who will be shooting the “models” in their “commercial.” The Callback Challenge is basically not to suck in the commercial. Everyone except for Daniel, who’s had the script since yesterday, gets 20 minutes to look over it. Angela’s showered in the cold before, and is confident she’s going to win. Because that worked so well yesterday, Science Girl. Ooh, Mary Alice mixes things up as she announces that instead of picking their own best take, another “model” will make the decision. They get to pick . . . who will pick for them. That’s dumb. They pair up. Andre is the odd man out, since everyone in America hates him. Mary Alice says that he has to pick someone, so he picks Pickel. That’s fun to say! Mary Alice tells them the secret is to make every take a good one. Thank god for Mary Alice, who gives everyone such sage wisdom.

And remember, if you don’t breathe, you will die!

Daniel’s first. His rehearsal isn’t going well. VJ eavesdrops on him and Aussie Rachael to get an edge on everyone. He also appears to play with himself through his underwear. Everyone gets pissed off at him, save for Blonde Rachel, who is most likely in the bathroom washing her hands feverishly and muttering, “So much pig blood. Gotta get rid of the blood. Cleanse. Must cleanse. Chelsea, noooooo!” Brett’s uber-pissed at VJ and tells Daniel and Aussie Rachael that they should go somewhere else to rehearse. VJ tells Brett that he’s a bunch of bleeping bleep and that he should take off his panties and “step it up. Step it up.” Brett replies, correctly, that it’s hard when VJ has an unfair advantage. VJ does this horrifying baby-talk thing in an interview. I hope he sees this episode and learns never, ever to do that again. I’m frightened and embarrassed.

Daniel is nervous. He totally dorks out when he’s nervous and gaaaahhh. He has his shirt off and is in the shower, and suddenly every bad thought I’ve had of him has melted away. Must . . . remember . . . scrunchie. He does a bad job but Aussie Rachael cheers him on, which is sweet. Let me re-iterate my love for her. So nice. She says that she’s let it be known that she does commercial work, which is news to me, and that she has a reputation to defend. See? So humble. So nice. So Australian. She’s up next.

Subtle.

At first she does really well, but then the cold water comes and she does a little bit worse, but she has some really good takes. Everyone else sucks, especially Angela. Until Blonde Rachel. Yeesh. Blonde Rachel stands doing absolutely nothing but staring into space for like, 5 seconds after the director calls “action.” Then she gets all flustered and says that the lather keeps “her perfect body even perfecter.” VJ laughs at her, and then will sleep with her later tonight, proving that frat boys never really do grow up. Andre says cold water is nothing to him because he’s Soviet. Did you guys know that? Did you know Andre is a Soviet? I don’t think he’s brought that up before, so I just wanted to make sure I beat it into your head over and over and over again. The lather has a really weird, long name and people have a hard time pronouncing it.

They come out to view the commercials with Mary Alice. Daniel’s is lackluster. Aussie Rachael’s is pretty good. Everyone else’s is lame. But then we get to VJ’s. Pretty darn good, but you can actually see VJ smirking and standing in his robe mouthing his lines along with the commercial. That’s so oily. They’re grading again! Enough!

Daniel gets a B, Aussie Rachael an A, Angela a B-, Lisa a C-, Brett a C, Pickel a B, Andre a B+. Blonde Rachel’s commercial was so horrendous that she gets an F. Yeowza! Blonde Rachel says that she got through it, and she didn’t give up, so her grade was harsh. I hate to say it – really, this physically pains me – but I agree. I would’ve given her a D+. Mary Alice asks Zosimo what it was like working with VJ. Zosimo says that VJ gave a solid performance. He gets an A.

Andre interviews that Mary Alice needs to know that VJ was cheating. Agreed, but Andre is a Soviet tattle-tail. So he tells Mary Alice that VJ cheated by eavesdropping on others rehearsing the script. But Mary Alice is all, “You think that’s cheating? He was being aware of what was going on around him.” VJ wins the Callback Challenge and brags about it in interview. Who do you hate more? Andre or VJ? You think about that, get back to me. In the van (first time we’ve seen the van interior! Woo-hoo!), Blonde Rachel is talking about failure, and cries. I feel bad for her, and then feel bad for feeling bad for her because it’s wrong. Or is it?

Woops. My bad.

Elimination, bitches! The “models” do the runway thing again. I do believe this is the first show with the word “Model” in the title that has about 30 seconds of actual modeling in it. Don’t they need to be trained to walk correctly on the runway? Shouldn’t they be coached on how to pose? Doesn’t Mary Alice feel the need to bring in her mama for some heart-to-heart talk? This show is making America’s Next Top Model seem downright reputable and true in comparison, and there’s something so icky about that.

VJ’s safe because he won the shower commercial challenge. Tonight only two people are called down, and Mary Alice is all, “You know who you are, so please step down,” which is just embarrassing. And funny. There’s a slight pause, and I think that maybe no one will admit defeat and walk down, but Lisa and Blonde Rachel finally do so. Mary Alice asks Lisa why she thinks she’s in the bottom two again. Lisa says that she’s there because she’s not so good in the smarts department, but God gave her other things to be “confident about.” That was an okay answer.

Blonde Rachel’s up next. She says she’s there because she’s not only beautiful on the outside, but on the inside too. Wha? Girl doesn’t have a clue about anything. Mary Alice is torn because Blonde Rachel did better in the pig dissection than Lisa, but Lisa did better that Blonde Rachel in the commercial. Mary Alice says that since this is America’s Most Smartest Model, that the smartest model should stay. And yes, I’m thinking the same thing, something to the effect of, “Um, they’re both smart as a box of hair.” But Mary Alice says that they’re going to have a “Smart Off!” Ooh! Exciting! Mary Alice is all about the curve balls this episode.

Terror gives you instant wrinkles.

Blonde Rachel looks so terrified that I cannot help but laugh. Lisa just looks kinda pissed, like, “Are you fucking kidding me?” No, Lisa, she is not. Ben will ask questions – if Lisa or Blonde Rachel know the answer, they’ll shout them out. Okay, it’s official – Blonde Rachel is a fembot. That’s all I have to say. What else could explain her sudden, rapid, bird-like movements in this segment? Nothing, that’s what. Ben fires questions at them. Who knows where Darfur is? Neither of them. Who wrote Tom Sawyer? Blonde Rachel says Tom Sawyer did. If you’re betting $5 on a 3-to-1 win, and you win, how much do you win? Lisa says $5. Blonde Rachel says $15. She’s right. In what century was the American Civil War? Blonde Rachel says 19th century and she’s right again! Mary Alice looks so awesomely shocked! Hilarious. They ask more questions, Blonde Rachel gets another one right. Lisa argues that she has amazing street smarts, and Ben asks, “Do you? What’s Mary Alice’s last name?” Oh, snap, Ben Stein! Lisa says, in total confidence, “Alice.” Nail in the coffin, Lisa.

Ben asks Lisa if she’s “smart enough to know you don’t belong here.” Ouch. That was just mean. Lisa is going home. She says, “I do have talent,” and Mary Alice’s reply is a half-assed and tired sounding, “You’ll be fine, Lisa.” She doesn’t care like Tyra cares, and it’s kind of pissing me off. Lisa is crying as she leaves. Aww, sad. Eight are left. That’s half the people that came to the house, which means that the season is only half over, which means that I have entered a new level of depression.

Next week: Couture creation. Fashion show (finally). Mary Alice is fed up with someone. Join the club, M.A.

Wow. This guy really will do anything to win.