America’s Most Smartest Model: You Are Too Stupid and Ugly to Live. Waiter!

Tonight on America’s Most Smartest Model: Daniel is partnered with Blonde Rachel for a make-your-own-fashion show (could that decision come back to haunt him?), Santino Rice of Project Runway, some hairstylist from VO5, and someone else you’ve never heard of before guest-star, and not one, but TWO surprise eliminations leave everyone . . . well, surprised.

Uh-oh, I think this is a trick question.

Are y’all glad that Blonde Rachel is still here? I am. Who else can we make fun of? Andre may be a commie jerk, but is he stupid? Da. He is. But he is not on the same level as Blonde Rachel. Blonde Rachel is not on the same level as the fetal pig she dissected last week. Chelsea, nooooo! All right. Let’s get stupid!

Blonde Rachel is SO happy that she’s still here. Mary Alice told Blonde Rachel that she is lacking in the smarts department, thus once again giving someone obvious advice. Mary Alice would also like everyone to know that if you cut off your legs, they won’t grow back. She’s a sage one, she is. Blonde Rachel says that she is going to partner up with Daniel because he’s the smartest. And he wears scrunchies. Now, Blonde Rachel may not be smart, but I’m willing to bet she would totally veto the man scrunchie. She is demanding that Daniel be her partner, and he finally gives in. Andre appears to keep all the name tags of people who have been sent home in his room. You know, like how serial killers keep parts of victims’ bodies as trophies. He says he’s so close to the $100,000 prize and does that silly Dr. Evil pinky to the mouth thing as he says “$100,000.” And you know what? He can’t get away with that. He has the sense of humor of a Russian Jehovah’s Witness.

You, sir, are no doctor.

Morning. Note du jour. The note says something about fashion, and being outside in an hour. Oh – and being square if you’re not there. I bet that’s Ben Stein’s joke. And I bet it’s not funny. Oh man, Blonde Rachel asks if they will have to know their “squares and rectangulars and circles and stuff.” First of all – rectangulars? Second, what are “their” squares and circles and rectangles and stuff? Does Blonde Rachel actually think they’re going to be tested on shapes? If so, she’s in big trouble.

Angela says, “It’s probably geometry, guys,” as she lords her intelligence over the peons that sit around her. Shut up, Angela. They partner up. Andre and Angela, Pickel and Brett again. Aw, I hope they get a romantic dinner if they win. That would be so cute! I bet Brett is going to buy a couple of those half-penny best friend necklaces and give one to Pickel at dinner. And then they’ll raise their glasses to the age-old traditional toast of, “Bros before hos, dude!” Blonde Rachel and Daniel are paired up. Daniel has second thoughts about being with Blonde Rachel, but he’s too nice to tell her that when it comes to brains, she thought they were handing out trains and asked for a slow one.

Choo choos are scary.

They van over to Central State University Los Angeles (heretofore referred to as CSULA if I ever have to type it again). The sign says that the school mascot is the Golden Eagle. You may think that’s lame, but my high school mascot was the Purple Buffalo. I understand the buffalo part, cuz it was Kansas and the entire town smelled like cow and/or buffalo poo, but purple? That ain’t right.

They head to a fashion room, which looks like something from Project Runway, and I’m hoping that the fabulous Tim Gunn will show up and breathe some life into this show. I’m sure that dream won’t blow up in my face! Ben Stein says they’re using geometry to make clothes. How thrilling, and yet not. Oh, dude, I totally called it! Sort of! Santino Rice of Project Runway season . . . something (I haven’t watched past season 1 with the delicious Wendy Pepper) . . . is going to help them out. I Wikipedia-ed Santino and found that he came in third in season 2 of Project Runway, in case you didn’t know. Anyhoo. Santino has a deep voice. Pickel voice-overs that Santino makes “killer” something. It’s bleeped out, so I’m assuming the next word would have been “shit.” I’m sure Pickel has worn Santino’s gowns many a time.

Ben says that the “models” challenge is to cut shapes out with scissors, like a rhombus, trapezoid, circle, etc. But they have to use the exact measurements on the board. I would say eff it and go get one of those Butterick patterns that my mom always had on hand for my sister. Just pin, cut, and sew – it’s that simple! In no time at all, you’ll have fancy culottes that will be the envy of all your eighth-grade friends! I should say that they don’t show the “models” what the shapes look like. Each team member is responsible for three shapes. That’s the number after two, Blonde Rachel. The measurements must be exact, and the 2nd team member cannot start cutting until the first is through. Blonde Rachel is shocked, shocked! The winning team gets Santino’s help for 30 minutes. For 30 minutes of what? I don’t understand. Why would they need his help if they’ve already won? This show is more than dumb. It’s dumber. They begin.

Wow. Nice outfit. Someone cut this man a rhombus.

Santino tells everyone that they have all the tools they need to make the shapes. Um, like scissors, fabric, and a ruler. The obviousness is infectious, apparently. Blonde Rachel looks confused, and I so wished that they would have given her those pink and white plastic scissors with the rounded ends, like the ones they give to pre-schoolers. That would have been so very, very awesome. The “models” draw and cut. Andre says he’s used to meters and everything’s in freakin’ inches. Did he just move to the U.S. this morning?

Andre’s not doing well, and neither is Blonde Rachel. Daniel wisely tells her that if she can’t get a specific shape, she should move on to a different one. But she’s having trouble with the measurements, she says. Well, that and she’s using the protractor as scissors, and not successfully. Santino says in his Darth Vader voice that it’s a good thing these people are pretty because they’re not smart. Pretty? Really? Whatever, Santino Rice. Aussie Rachael is doing an awesome job. Pickel and VJ are now up, as their partners are done. Daniel is perturbed, and holds his hair high on his head, wishing that he would have remembered his frickin’ scrunchie. Andre’s sucking, too. Angela is totally telling Andre exactly what to do, and VJ (not Andre) does it. This leads to pretty much everyone telling their partners what to do and how to do it.

Blonde Rachel plays with her hair and cannot draw a circle. Daniel interviews that Blonde Rachel “is like, retarded.” Well, that’s one way of putting it. Daniel is taking the stress out on his hair. VJ and Pickel are neck-and-neck for the win. Who will cut out all the shapes first? You’ll have to wait until . . . right now. It’s VJ. Santino measures the shapes. One of them is incorrect, so the rest continue working. Who would have thought that watching people cut shapes out of paper could be so uninteresting? I would have. I have a new found respect for kindergarten teachers. Now Pickel and Brett are done, Santino measures and . . . Pickel and Brett win. Whoo. Hoo. Pickel is excited in typical A.D.D. fashion. Daniel complains and whines and it’s really, really annoying. His voice goes up a couple decibels, and Blonde Rachel says that he’s just digging a hole and that he should suck it up and go from there. Wow, Blonde Rachel being wise? I am speechless.

Don’t hate your hair. Hate your head.

Until now. Since Pickel and Brett won, they get to use all six shapes to make their outfit and also the consultation of Santino “Luke, I am your father” Rice. Mary Alice has a twist for us: Pickel and Brett get to pick what shapes the other teams get to use. Three shapes for 1 team, two shapes for another, and one shape for the 3rd. Aussie Rachael and VJ get a circle. Daniel and Blonde Rachel get 3 shapes. Aw, that’s sweet of Pickel. Andre and Angela get two shapes. The teams also get two student assistants. Oh my gosh! The assistants are Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port! Just kidding. That would be pretty sweet, though, wouldn’t it? Except I don’t think Lauren goes to CSULA. Or any school anymore, for that matter. When would she fit in classes between drinking by the pool, drinking by the beach, and drinking at Les Deux? She doesn’t have time for that shit, people.

Anyway, whoever wins the fashion show/couture creation gets the automatic callback blah blah blah. Santino yells, “Go!” and they do. They grab fabric and discuss. Angela takes charge and says Andre is lucky because Angela’s mom designs clothes. Angela, sweetie, I hate to bring up Butterick again, but . . . well, I just did. Pinning patterns to red flannel fabric to make Christmas vests for the family is not exactly designing. Santino appears to be wearing a shirt that looks like chain-mail, which reminds me of Renaissance Festivals, which reminds me to kill myself, because Ren Fests are the worst invention known to the human race. That’s my idea of hell – a never ending Renaissance Festival where the only food is cantaloupe, curry, and pickled beets. Anyway, again, that shirt sucks.

I’m sorry. I just can’t let it go.

Santino helps Pickel and Brett and tells them to make a manly dress or something. They get him to do all the work. Andre is fighting with Angela. That’s surprising in a way in which it totally isn’t. Blonde Rachel is indecisive, which Daniel doesn’t appreciate. Blonde Rachel interviews that their outfit is the best. Uh-huh. If the dress is made for Jem and the Holograms, then perhaps. Otherwise, no. Angela tries to squeeze into her dress, which is a little tight in the boob area. Andre actually asks if she’s on her period, and if that’s why she’s “big now.” Even if a woman is not on her period, what kind of moron would ask that? That’s the express train to Shitstorm City right there, my friend.

Mary Alice enters the room. I’m assuming she’s already had her three champagne and two martini lunch. Time’s up! Aussie Rachael and VJ’s garment is unfinished. So everyone puts their clothes on the rack and Mary Alice says she’ll see them tomorrow on the runway. What’s this? The “models” get an actual night off, one with potential drinking and inappropriate touching and/or comments? This can’t be right. Everyone gets in the vans. Andre and Pickel talk about Daniel. Andre’s suggestion is to “demoralize” him so that he loses faith in the competition. So Andre is going to morally corrupt Daniel? I guess that’s possible. At home, Andre steals Blonde Rachel and Daniel’s name tags to put in his bedroom. Lame-ass.

Dammit! Everyone’s back for the runway showdown. Did absolutely nothing happen last night? No drunken liaisons? No drunken fights? Why do you hate the viewers, America’s Most Smartest Model? Why must you alienate us? Whatever. Mary Alice greets everyone, and says that VO5 is here to help with hair. Erin Anderson, a “celebrity stylist” who has worked with Mischa Barton and Ali Larter. You know, I think the word “celebrity” really gets tossed around willy-nilly these days.

Basically, Erin’s there to spruce everyone up and take our eyes off the hideous outfits. Everyone gets some sort of dumb makeover, and they all look pretty much the same. Marilyn Heston, of some L.A. P.R. firm is there to guest judge. Does anyone in L.A. know these people? Cuz I sure the hell haven’t heard of her. She tells everyone good luck, and really doesn’t mean it. Mary Alice says that when one team member walks the runway, the other gives commentary. Mary Alice contractually obligatingly explains the rules of the callback challenge. So annoying when they do that. Ready, “models?” Go! They have 30 minutes to write something and make a presentation. Daniel writes something sort of pretentious for himself and Blonde Rachel. Brett is wearing some sort of red vest that looks almost exactly like a t-shirt I made in 8th grade sewing class. It fell apart almost instantly. Just like the football pillow I made. And the sweat pants. Dammit, why didn’t I use Butterick?! Angela is practicing her walk, Andre is telling her what to do. Aussie Rachael and VJ’s outfit isn’t really fitting. It’s runway time.

Hmm. I’d pegged you as more of a checkers girl.

Aussie Rachael and VJ are up first. Aussie Rachael wears a crappy black and white checkered skirt and a bra. It’s really a horrible skirt. Blonde Rachel says it’s a disgusting outfit. Twice now, she’s been succinct and right. If you look up in the sky, you will, I believe, see the four horsemen. Daniel and Blonde Rachel are next. Daniel’s hairstyle makes him look like Jason Schwartzman. Daniel says that outfit is 80s inspired (Jem! Is truly outrageous! Truly, truly, truly outrageous!) and made of “cot-ton.” He really punctuates the syllables on the word “cotton.” It’s stu-pid. Blonde Rachel cheeses it up. Oh, shit. Something’s about to go down. Mary Alice asks Blonde Rachel what happened yesterday. Confrontation! I’m nervous!

Blonde Rachel says she was having problems cutting shapes. Mary Alice asks what shapes they had. Daniel begins to answer, but Mary Alice cuts him off and says she’s asking Blonde Rachel, who says “rommus” instead of rhombus. Ouch. Mary Alice corrects her, like ten million times, even though after being corrected once, Blonde Rachel seems to catch on. Ack! Why am I defending her? Sheesh. She says that they used the “rhombus, trapezoid, and then quadred . . .” And she just trails off. Wisely. But then she does this pretty psychotic laugh. Daniel says the third shape was a pentagon, and Blonde Rachel yells, “Pentagon!” Psycho.

Andre and Angela are up. Again, crappy outfit. Andre says it’s simple and classic and can be “worn for any occasion.” Which is true, if the occasion is being a cocktail waitress of the future in an episode of Star Trek. Ben Stein calls them out on that, asking if the outfit could be worn to a PTA meeting. Well, sure, if the PTA meeting was in a Las Vegas casino, and the parents and teachers were serving margaritas to the gamblers. Pickel sprays Brett with something, probably a tangy raspberry vinaigrette, to get him ready for his walk. The red robe Brett wears looks like it was picked up in the $1 Or Less bin at the Superhero Store. Mary Alice asks if Brett is wearing a skirt, and Pickel spouts some crap about how some fighters wear skirt-like outfits. Lame!


Whoever designed those abs should win.


Critiques. Ben Stein says he was impressed by Angela from day one, but her outfit is dumb. Guest judge Marilyn says that it could be worn to the Grammy awards. Take that, Grammys! Mary Alice says it’s a little too “ice-skater” for her. Hee. VJ and Aussie Rachael’s outfit is not balanced at all. Mary Alice says that Aussie Rachael is wearing an evening gown, so what is VJ wearing? Jeans and a t-shirt. VJ should have dressed up more, says Mary Alice. Blonde Rachel and Daniel are up. I’m so nervous again! Marilyn says it was too simple (not truly, truly, truly outrageous, like I think). The shade of pink is horrible. Mary Alice asks Daniel what he was thinking when he made this, and not in a snotty way. For once. Daniel says he wanted something wearable and practical, instead of “haute couture in the amount of time” they had. Mary Alice says that he’s got a little fashion designer inside of him. Ben says he has a LOT of fashion designer in him. Who is surprised? I’m sure the hell not. Take that as you will. Marilyn loved Pickel and Brett’s presentation and everything. She doesn’t comment on the outfit, which is what she’s supposed to be doing. Mary Alice concurs.

Elimination, bitches! There can only be one winner. And I use the term “winner” loosely. Because, let’s be honest: Do we ever hear from those girls who win America’s Next Top Model again? Do we ever see them on the cover of magazines, or strutting down the Victoria’s Secret runway? No. We do not. And since this show happens to be the mutant sibling of America’s Next Top Model that is kept locked and chained up in the basement, the “winner” will fade into oblivion. The winners are Pickel and Brett. They hug like straight men – awkward and back-slappy.

Mary Alice says something’s bothering her and she can’t quite get it off her chest. Is it that hideous shirt that looks like it was bought at one of those old-timey photo places? Giddy on up to the bar for some sarsaparilla, Mary Alice! Alas, no. She asks Blonde Rachel to step down. Since it appears that this is the end of Blonde Rachel, let me note that everybody on the show calls her “Rachel Myers,” but she’s always listed as Blonde Rachel in interviews. That’s kind of silly. She steps down, and Mary Alice says she’s barely getting by, citing various examples that you can read about in the previous recaps. She can’t even make shapes. Mary Alice says that Blonde Rachel is not model enough and “clearly not smart enough” to be in this competition anymore. She has to pack and leave. Pronto.

Pickel says that “no one” saw that coming. Yeah, except for the entire viewing audience, you lack-wit. Holy crap. Back at the house, Blonde Rachel is hyperventilating in the closet, crying very loudly. She interviews that Mary Alice is wrong about her because she has potential and confidence. Awww, everyone else carries all her bags for her out to the van. Wait. Maybe they’re not being nice. Maybe they just want her to get the hell out already. This may be the cold medicine talking, but I choose to think they’re being sweet. Except Andre, who is incapable of love! What will VJ do for co-dependent smoochies now? Oh, lordy. We get treated to some damn montage of Blonde Rachel’s “best” dumb moments, with some stupid tinkly piano music playing in the background. Really, Show? Is this necessary?

Don’t take in too much air. You’ll totally get fat.

Elimination . . . bitches? Wait, didn’t we already go through this? Mary Alice wants to know if anyone disagreed with the decision to eliminate Blonde Rachel. Everyone looks at VJ, who says, “It is what it is.” Dude, shut up. Now Mary Alice wants to talk to Brett and Pickel. She calls them a “dynamic duo,” and blows a bunch of smoke up their asses. Aussie Rachael and VJ are called down. Another elimination? Dare you, Show? Dare you? Andre is wearing a tie with a t-shirt. So stupid. Daniel is called down because he said he would be Blonde Rachel’s partner. That’s not really fair, but Mary Alice is not known for fairness, just drinking champagne in the middle of the afternoon while watching her minions perform an aerobics video with an aging exercise celebrity.

Daniel didn’t show intelligence (or smartest-ness) by having Blonde Rachel as a partner. Andre, in interview, calls Daniel a woman and a pussy. I hate that word. “Woman.” I really don’t see how Andre could have been accused of sexual assault. I mean, look at him, listen to his words. He’s so gentle. Daniel has to “step it up.” But he’s safe for now. It’s between Aussie Rachael and VJ. I could care less. Mary Alice says that although VJ has had the least modeling experience, he’s still here because he has potential. He’s “savvy and calculating.” He says this would “really change my life, you guys,” and talks about not having any money when he grew up. So the VO5 thing would be great, but I’m sure he’ll spend it on a Hardee’s franchise on I-70, which will close soon after it opens.

So, it looks like Aussie Rachael will go home. Did she have potential? Obviously. Did she have the “look” of a model? Definitely. Was she professional at all times? Of course. But she is smart and drama-free, and so she has to go. Ben and Mary Alice don’t think she’s tough enough, and ask that age old modeling question, “Do you want this?” Mary Alice says it’s sweet that they’re all friends, but modeling is cut throat. Ben Stein gives another confusing and random analogy about, “Like the blah blah blah at the battle of blah blah blah, Rachael, you have now . . . avoided elimination.” Ah, so Aussie Rachael stays! She gets a second chance. VJ does push-ups. He’s not looking for a friend or soulmate, just $100,000 and a bottle of sauvignon blanc apparently. Well, now that Blonde Rachel is gone, I guess I’m just going to have to focus on Angela and Pickel. And possibly VJ. And always Andre.

Psych!

Next time on America’s Most Smartest Model: It’s Daniel’s birthday! Everybody drinks! But their trip to the bar is actually a challenge. Ooh. Daniel goes freaking ape-shit! “Models” work with animals. Someone goes home.