America’s Most Smartest Model: Yeah, But Can You Talk?

Tonight on America’s Most Smartest Model, Brett tries to pick up the pieces after the elimination of Pickel, go-karts are built rather shabbily and then raced in a medium-speed, minimal-tension race, a rotating car throws everyone off their game, and a surprise elimination decision surprises people. Because that’s what it’s supposed to do.

Surprise! The mullet’s back!

Yay! Finals (or my school’s equivalent of finals, “Critique Week”) are over! Forget about art school – I want to see some half-naked dummies!

Pickel is gone now, and with him go multiple double entendre jokes, like, “I’ll take a VJ and Brett sandwich, hold the Pickel.” “Oh, I’ll hold the Pickel all right!” And . . . something with Pickel juice that you can make up yourself because I’m too much of a gentleman to go there.

Morning at the house. Andre lays a dill pickle slice on a note in memory of Pickel. Clever, Andre. Aussie Rachael and Brett laugh, although Brett is crying on the inside, comforting himself by singing Melissa Manchester’s “Don’t Cry Out Loud” in his head. Keep it inside, Brett. Learn how to hide your feelings.

The dumber the Pickel the sweeter the juice.

Aussie Rachael says that there are 5 left and she’s been in the bottom 3 three times now. Brett interviews that he will miss his buddy Pickel. Not his buddy’s pickle, mind you. But I guess that’s a possibility. Dammit. Where are we going to get our man-on-man kicks now, huh? I’m not holding my breath for another Boy Meets Boy, that’s for sure. Andre interviews that even without Pickel, the Alliance of Delusion is strong.

Note du jour. It says something about “drive for success” and to divide into teams of two. And just as I scream at my television, “There are five effing people, Mary Alice!” I am cut short by an extension of the note, which says that the “models” get to decide who will be the odd person out. I hope it’s Angela. Ooh, VJ has his shirt off and he looks very dreamy. Brett volunteers to be the odd man out and interviews that Pickel will be with him in spirit today. Taste that? Yeah, that’s the taste of you throwing up in your mouth a little. Aussie Rachael and Andre pair up. So VJ and Angela are together. Easy peasy.

The “models” arrive at a garage. Like a mechanic’s garage, not the one at my parent’s house that holds a mini fridge filled with Diet Coke and an old Pong console. In the garage are go-karts. I should also mention that Andre and Aussie Rachael are wearing the same type of shirt. I should also mention that that is so very, very lame.

Mary Alice welcomes the “models,” and introduces Carter Oosterhouse, whom you may recognize from Trading Spaces. I believe he replaced the coked-out ferret that is Ty Pennington, but I’m not sure. I think Carter has a mullet. Ben Stein says they’ll be tested on engineering by building go-karts. The first 2 teams to build the karts (in racing condition) will get to race each other, and the winner(s) of that race will win the edge challenge. For the love of pete!

Angela interviews that she loves cars and has been working on cars with her dad since she was a little girl. Infuriating! Expert on everything, that girl is. Especially on being a snotty jerk. She’s been working on that ever since she was a little girl. Carter tells them what to do, which basically boils down to building a go-kart. Mary Alice asks if Brett misses Pickel and Brett says that Pickel’s there in spirit. Awkward, uncomfortable laughter ensues.

No really. Don’t you guys see him?

To add further stupid-ness, the teams pick colors and get lycra outfits in those colors. Andre picks red, and interviews that he’s happy to be wearing red: “Back to Soviet Union, baby!” Ben Stein tells them to begin. He and Mary Alice go out for a light lunch of pinot grigio and a fruit and cheese plate at The Ivy while the “models” get to work.

Angela immediately throws herself under the go-kart because she’s an expert! Aussie Rachael interviews that Andre has to know something about cars because he’s a man. Therefore, Aussie Rachael must know about baking cakes, dusting the living room, and making a nice pot roast for her husband when he comes back from a hard day at the office. Way to set us back 60 years, Aussie Rachael.

Andre interviews that he comes from a family of “diplomats” and has never built anything in his life. But he’s Soviet, so that automatically makes him tough, I guess. Lots of hammering and mechanic-y sounds are heard. Brett’s not doing so good, so VH1, via the magic of special effects, brings in the ghost of Pickel to spout some pre-written tripe about Brett being able to build the go-kart. Pickel should never be allowed to read a script aloud. Ever. Also, does the public really miss Pickel that much? Can’t we just have a picture of him with his shirt off in the corner of the screen? That’d be enough for me. Brett gains confidence from the Ghost of Most Smartest Models Past.

Please stop talking.

VJ interviews something completely awesome about Angela’s knowledge of everything: “If you challenged her to a drinking competition, she’d be like, ‘Oh, I used to be a fish!’” Ha! This is why I’m on the VJ train now, people. Hop aboard – it’s the only way to travel. Aussie Rachael says that she and Andre are like a dysfunctional married couple. Is there any other kind? Thank you! I’m here all night, folks! She interviews that Andre is “forcing things where they don’t go.” I’m pretty sure that’s what he was arrested for a while back, Aussie Rachael.

Time is running out. VJ and Angela say they’re done. The mechanic says that their go-kart is ready to race. Once again, Brett talks about Pickel, and once again we see his disembodied head floating above Brett, telling him what to do. Aussie Rachael and Andre say they’re done, but the mechanic says something’s wrong with the go-kart. They fix it, so Andre and Aussie Rachael will race VJ and Angela for the Edge Challenge. Each “model” will race for 5 laps, and whichever team finishes first wins. I mean, obviously. Brett looks on. I think he’s unwrapping a mint, or holding his retainer – it’s hard to tell.

Mary Alice waves the flag and the race is on. She immediately leaves for champagne at Sky Bar, and will come back whenever the hell she feels like it. Go-kart race! Aussie Rachael blocks Angela and goes to the lead. Aussie Rachael wins. Andre and VJ race, but VJ is kinda far behind. Eventually, Andre, and the Red Team, wins. Wow, that was totally not exciting. Aussie Rachael and Andre now have the Edge Challenge. Angela is so pissed off that she is crying big fat tears of anger and insanity. She says, “Only til tomorrow, guys. Only til tomorrow,” to Andre and Aussie Rachael.

Good for you! More experience in losing! You’re totally an expert now!

Aw, they have trophies for the teams. How cute. They bring in the “Edge” which is a Jaguar, or as Maya Rudolph and Will Ferrell would say, a “Jag-yoo-ar.” So funny. Andre and Aussie Rachael don’t get to keep the Jaguar, as VH1 spent the budget for this episode on their trophies. But they do get to drive it back to the house. Inside the glove compartment is a brochure that will help them tomorrow when they are spokesmodels for Jaguars cars or something. The person who wins, Mary Alice says, gets a callback for the finale. Whoa, seriously? Are we almost done with this show? That makes me a sad recapper.

Angela says that Andre and Aussie Rachael will wreck the car on the way back to the house. Bitter much, Angela? We see Aussie Rachael driving the car, and Andre jamming out to the radio, which I bet is playing “Last Dance” by Donna Summer – Andre knows all the words to her entire catalog.

There’s another note back at the house. Mary Alice asks them to write down who they think is the least smartest as well as the least modeliest, and whoever gets the majority vote will be automatically called out at the elimination. The only thing that can save this person is winning the callback challenge. They have to complete the task before bedtime. Aussie Rachael says they should write down a name anonymously. Andre gets 2 votes, VJ gets 3, so VJ will be called down in elimination. Are you surprised? If so, then you’d also be surprised to find out that the earth is a planet.

Aussie Rachael and Andre look at the Jaguar brochures and bad-mouth VJ, which is more important, obviously. Oooh, VJ is being really sneaky. He calls a friend and asks him to look up info on Jaguars. It’s not clear on whether or not he asked his friend to email him the links or what-not, or if he just asked his friend to give him info over the phone. VJ may be kinda funny and hot, but I call shenanigans on that. Not cool, VJ.

Morning. Aussie Rachael actually says they’re heading to the “Jag-yoo-ar” headquarters. Hee. They arrive at the headquarters and are greeted by two Jaguar executives, who seem like the kind of people you’d hate to wait on at a restaurant. The Jag execs give a presentation on the Jaguar car they’ll be showing. It seems really, really boring, like your first day at a new job when all you do is sit there for a six-hour presentation on human resources stuff.

Just tell me how many freaking vacation and sick days I get and then leave me the hell alone!

Andre interviews that he is prepared. Aussie Rachael looks pretty, but I have to say, when it comes to performance? Not so good. She’s up first, and when she walks out, there’s an audience of people as well as Ben Stein, Mary Alice and the Jag execs. The room is really echo-y. And then the platform starts moving in a circle. It’s a ride at EPCOT center! Who says you can’t learn and have fun at the same time?! I did, in Orlando, in 1990.

Aussie Rachael is nervous and keeps laughing hysterically and making comments about not being comfortable with the moving platform. She’s being self-deprecating, which isn’t really a great trait to have when you’re attempting to be a model. Or even a spokesmodel. Andre’s next. The first thing he says when he comes in is, “Tough crowd, I heard.” Insulting your audience is always a great way to start off. Much to my delight, he fails spectacularly, at one point saying that he could go “on and on” about the car and that “five minutes won’t be enough,” after which he says nothing. For like 10 seconds. Oh you guys, it’s so embarrassing! And ever so funny.

Brett is up. His teeth are blinding me! Once the platform starts moving, he completely loses it, and is all, “I can’t do it! The spinning car is not in my presentation!” Ben and Mary Alice tell him he’s doing great and that he should keep going. The Jag execs purse their lips. He tries again, and then, he does the most abominable thing he could possibly do: Brett drops the F-bomb. In front of the audience and the Jag execs. I really wish one of the execs would run up to the car, hug it, and yell at Brett, “Not in front of the Jag!” The audience is not impressed. Nor am I, but you know what? Totally used to this.

Ben Stein, This Is Your Life!

VJ’s next, and he looks hot in his suit. I’d buy a Jaguar from him. Heck, I’d buy a Ford Pinto from him. When the platform starts moving, VJ does the smart thing by stepping off of it. He does okay, but the way he’s speaking kind of reminds me of the carnies at the game booths at the Kansas State Fair in Hutchinson (shout-out to lalia and all the Kansas peeps!). He actually says the words “pretty kitty” in reference to the car. I can almost smell the Pronto Pups and funnel cakes. Wait. Now he sounds like he’s leading some corporate training seminar, or like Tom Cruise’s character in Magnolia, if you replace the word “cock” with “Jaguar.”

Mary Alice and Ben give him a standing ovation. Mary Alice yells, “Take your shirt off!” over the crowd. Oh, wait – that was me. Angela’s last. She’s composed, but I think she looks at her notes too much. Apparently, I know nothing because she gets a standing ovation as well. Mary Alice yells, “Go home, you conceited beyotch!” over the crowd. Oh, wait – that was me again. Fine, I will concede that Angela did a competent job. But that’s all I will say.

The “models” walk out for judging. Or, as I like to call it, Tales of Obviousness! Mary Alice expected much better from Aussie Rachael. She doesn’t know how to work a long dress. Andre was nervous and just stopped. They both had the Edge and they both sucked. Mary Alice tells Brett he said the f-word, which he didn’t realize. Brett interviews that he blames the moving platform.

Ben Stein says that VJ “burned this mother down.” He then goes on to lavish praise on VJ. Male Jag exec says it was a grand slam for Angela, and Ben Stein agrees. Female Jag exec says she’d take both of them if she could. Everyone agrees that VJ and Angela should share the win for the challenge, so they tie for the win. I don’t know. I think VJ had more eye contact with the audience than Angela, and my high school speech teacher, Mr. Scott, said that eye contact was very important. He also fell asleep during our speeches, so whatever.

Mr. Scott?

Andre is confused by the concept of a tie. There is no tie in Soviet Russia! No tie! VJ and Angela have made it to the finale. So now Mary Alice asks them whom they chose to be eliminated last night. She opens an envelope to reveal VJ’s name. Brett has yet another case of verbal diarrhea and says that VJ is sneaky. VJ interviews that he “wiped my ass with their face.” That’s a real easy way to get an infection, VJ.

Andre and VJ argue and have a bleep-fest. When they arrive home, they find a bottle of champagne from Mary Alice for VJ and Angela. Wow, Mary Alice shares the love! Andre tells Brett that he’s going home tonight. Aussie Rachael tells Brett he’s not going anywhere. That’s what we in the television industry call a bald-faced lie. That alliance is working out real well, eh?

Elimination, bitches! Andre, Aussie Rachael, and Brett walk down the runway to meet Ben and Mary Alice. VJ interviews that Andre is boiling inside and VJ is loving it. Mary Alice says she expected the three of them to be in the finale, but hasn’t she been saying that for the last four episodes or something? Aussie Rachael perhaps put too much pressure on herself. What happened to Andre, they ask? Mary Alice says he’s clearly not a spokesmodel. He interviews, “Why would I want to be a spokesmodel?” I have to say that I’m with him on this one.

And now Brett. Mary Alice once again brings up Pickel. She says that she knows that they joke about it, but he’s clearly gone downhill since Pickel left. Mary Alice and Ben wanted more from him. Brett interviews that he wants to win, to “let the nice guy finish first, let the nice guy finish first.” I’m sure that’s supposed to be endearing, but I just find it annoying as hell. Oh, it’s such a painful decision to make! Whatever Mary Alice and Ben. Ben tells Aussie Rachael that she must “vanish into oblivion.” Um, I’m pretty sure that’s going to happen to anyone involved with this show, Ben. The Alliance of Delusion is down one more person. Aussie Rachael interviews that she knows what she’s capable of and that she feels like a real model now. I don’t see how that’s possible, but whatev, sweetie.

Eyeball model.

But wait . . . something weird is happening. Mary Alice asks Ben if he’s ready and then makes the announcement that there is one more elimination tonight. Buh! Kuh! Chuh! Wha?! Andre is a good model but an asshole. Brett’s not an asshole but he’s not exactly a good model. Ben gives a metaphor about tooth whitening, and tells Brett that he must “vanish into history.” Again – everyone involved with show. And now the Alliance of Delusion is just an Andre of Delusion. Brett says he has no regrets. Angela tries to shake Andre’s hand but is shot down. Only one episode left! Kudos to you for making it this long.

Next Week: The leftovers go to Palm Springs. A photo shoot, with no farm animals or obstacle courses! Angela thinks VJ is a pathological liar. Takes one to know one! Only one person can be America’s Most Smartest Model. And only four viewers care.