America’s Most Smartest Model: My Papa Was A Rollin’ Stoner

Tonight on America’s Most Smartest Model, the last 3 head to Palm Springs for a photo shoot and about 30 seconds of 1-on-1 with Mary Alice, Angela once again reminds us of why we dislike her so much (over and over and over again), Ben Stein barely makes an appearance, and one “model” is eliminated. I mean, obviously.

Pass that dutch, pretty.

Previously, stuff happened and I recapped it. Andre, Angela, and VJ remain. Out of all of them, I like VJ the most. Or, actually, I should say I hate VJ the least. That makes more sense. Morning. House. Angela is in the bathroom, and there is an insane amount of hair products on the counter. VJ interviews that it’s weird to have 3 people left, and we see photos of the losers on the wall, with big Xs through them.

Angela interviews that she’s stoked to be in the top 3. She says she’s the only girl left. And she’s been a girl since the day she was born, y’all, so she’s an expert! She goes on to say that VJ doesn’t deserve to be there because he has been sneaky and underhanded and that’s not how a model should be. Really? Being sneaky and underhanded is like 75% of a model’s job. The other 25% is showing up.

Next we see Andre in the bathroom. He’s spreading something all over his Russian body, either Old Soviet Spice or vodka. Maybe canola oil. I don’t know. He interviews that he can’t believe he’s taken down all the people who have left, single-handedly. Uh huh. Single-handedly, but with the help of VJ and Angela. He talks to the photos of the losers on the wall. He calls Blonde Rachel “Slutty Rachel.” Hee. And . . . more talk to people who have been voted off. I get it, show! People have been eliminated! When he gets to Angela’s photo, he “forgets” her name. He goes to Angela, who is on the phone, and asks her what her name is. She replies that it is Angela. Man. This is, without a doubt, the most boring penultimate episode of a television show ever. Maybe I should recap another show, say Dawson’s Creek, and just replace the characters names with the names of the “models.” Andre gets to be Jack McPhee. And Angela can be Jen, because she dies.

Crack McPhee

Oh my god we’re not even 5 minutes into the show! Note du jour arrives as the trio lounges outside. It tells them to pack their bags for an overnight road trip. The America’s Most Smartest Model van drives down the highway and pulls into a Palm Springs house. Inside are gift baskets with chocolates and champagne, probably from Mary Alice’s collection. They also get a framed photo from one of their early photo shoots, the one where Andre strangled Lisa with a necklace.

They find another note. It says that Mary Alice will be joining them for dinner to get to know them on a personal level. Thankfully, we skip ahead to dinner time. Mary Alice arrives. Andre says she’s cool and attractive. Mary Alice says that the house is the setting for the next challenge, a photo shoot, but that she’s here to get to know the “models” on a personal level. Mary Alice gets some alone time with Angela to talk about Angela’s favorite subject – Angela. She says that she’s the oldest of 6 kids and Mary Alice says that it makes sense because Angela always wants to be in control. Which is a nice way of saying that it makes sense because Angela is an attention whore.

No one understands how hard it is being the most gorgeous woman on the planet!

Mary Alice asks Andre how old he was when he arrived in America. He was 18. Mary Alice asks VJ about his personal life. Divorced parents, lived with his sisters and mom, dad left. Angela says that they have a lot in common (surprise). And also, she says that her father “didn’t want a biological child and left.” And yet, Angela, he took the time to show you everything about cars before he did so? Because that’s what you told us last week. If memory serves me correctly, you said you and your dad worked on cars together every weekend or something. Maybe there’s more to the story that we’re not hearing, but I call shenanigans on that daddy didn’t love me crap.

Andre is all girly about how much he loves modeling. His voice raises to a decibel that I only thought was possible with Daniel. Annoying! Angela says that modeling, “as well as music, was always about, like, waking up in the morning, and thinking there’s nothing I’d rather be doing with my life.” She interviews that she didn’t talk about her singing because she didn’t want it to “inhibit” her. It’s one of her first loves, the other being herself. I really wish someone would ask her to sing so I could hear what she sounds like, but no one calls her out on that.

Mary Alice asks everyone who they think will win. VJ and Angela say themselves. Andre says Angela will win. Angela looks pleased, but Andre interviews that he was just playing mind games. Mary Alice interviews that tomorrow is about who looks good in front of a camera. And who looks bad. And the person who looks bad might go home. Thanks for that, M.A. She might want to add that tomorrow is about waking up, getting out of bed, showering, going to the photo shoot, posing, then going back home. Mary Alice also says that tomorrow is about getting a good photo (and putting clothes on, I may add). I think Mary Alice is a bit tipsy, because she seems to be having trouble with her thoughts. I, for one, do not blame her. It would take a bottle of tequila for me to get through dinner with those three, and half of it would be required just for a conversation with Angela. Mary Alice brings in fresh models for the “models” to work with on the shoot.

I want to know everything about you, dahling. Wait. After the champers, sweetie. And wear LaCroix.

The models introduce themselves. Mary Alice says that she brought in professional models to work with the three. The “models” get to pick whom to work with, but can’t use the same ones. Mary Alice then leaves, glass of wine in hand, probably muttering to herself about how she can’t believe she got mixed up in all this crap.

Andre brags about experience. Angela brags that she won the runway challenge recently, and the models ask to see her runway walk. Awesome. But the real models are, sadly, either too nice or too drunk to tell her that it sucks. Also, the words “CREW TO BE REMOVED” flash across the bottom of the screen as Angela walks. What the eff? Does anyone know what that means? Does anyone care? Angela interviews that she wants to use the guys because she wants to be the focal point of the photo. And the show. And everyone else’s lives.

6:47am. Mary Alice enters the pad with an entourage of people clad in black. Are they ninjas? Is it a Goth parade? No, it’s just fashion people. Mary Alice says that the theme is rock and roll. Or perhaps rock n’ roll. Either way, Angela’s excited because it’s about music and she knows ALL about music. Because ever since she was a little girl she’s been working on music with her dad while they were working on cars together while she was a veterinarian without a daddy.

The Bitch is Wack

Mary Alice introduces the photographer, world-renowned Roxanne Lowit. She shoots models for Vogue – she has models transported to a secret island and hunts them for sport. That’s how I take it. Mary Alice blah blah blah one person can win blah. There’s no time limit for this photo shoot, Andre tells us. For once, they have tons of clothes and shoe choices, lots of stylists, and a professional looking set up. That’s it? There’s nothing weird? No cake eating contest or posing with farm animals? Am I watching the right show?

Andre picks 2 girls. Angela picks 2 guys because she wants the spotlight. Angela is a huge beyotch to the guys. She tells them that they are working for her, that they’re expendable, and that when she says jump, they say how high. That Angela just gets more and more likeable! I think she’s gunning for a spot on the next season of Surreal Life. And even the people on that show will be all, “Um, seriously – who are you again?”

And you are…?

VJ picks 2 girls as well and Mary Alice approves. Now, here’s what I don’t get. Andre picked the 2 girls first. Since VJ picked last, and since no one can have the same models, Mary Alice should have said, “Sorry, you have to pick others.” But instead, Mary Alice says that she approved of VJ’s choices and that Andre will just have to deal with one model. Either that was a shoddy editing job, or Mary Alice is playing favorites with VJ. And why shouldn’t she? He’s dreamy.

At Andre’s shoot, he flips the bird to the camera. What is this, a photo shoot for his Myspace page? Lame. He’s also holding an electric guitar. Double lame. You know what would have been better? A key-tar. That would have been sweet. His model is drinking a martini while they pose. I’m assuming that wasn’t part of the shoot, that she just needed to get drunk to get through a photo shoot with Andre.

VJ is next. Andre accuses him of stealing all his poses. I’ll admit it looks that way, but they’re all stereotypical rock and roll (or rock n’ roll) poses from your standard 80s hair metal video. All they need is Tawny Kitaen writhing around on a car and a fog machine. And really crappy lyrics about some guy working on a dock and living on a prayer or being wanted, dead or alive. I have Bon Jovi, issues, I’m sorry.

Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya! Tomorrow! You’re only a day away!

Mary Alice tells VJ that he’s not so hot today. He does look pretty lackluster, I have to say. Then he gets in the pool with the women and things get better. Angela’s next. Her hair is big again. But not as big as her head. North Dakota’s not as big as her head. I guess she has live drumming or something, because she tells a guy to pick up the speed. Mary Alice says she’s being too pose-y. One of her models complains to Andre about Angela. Andre’s all, “What else is new?” Finally. Something awesome happens. And by awesome, I mean embarrassing for someone on the show.

Angela’s all, “I’m gonna mix it up!” So, in her next shoot, she sings. It’s the sound of an angel. You know, if that angel was self-deluded, did like 10 shots of Jagermeister in a row, and thought it was a good idea to do karaoke in front of all her co-workers. VJ interviews that she has a beautiful voice. Say what?! He wonders if music is what she’s truly interested in, and if so, then that’s what she should be doing.

Mary Alice, rather unconvincingly, says that she loves the singing. But Angela should remember that she’s there to model. And annoy. She’s better at one of those than the other. Guess which one? Andre’s next. He wants to be versatile, so he’s being relaxed for this shoot. I guess they’re doing a lot of shoots today, because there’s a montage of all the “models” in different outfits, posing and crap.

People’s exhibit A.

Afterwards, the “models” get in the pool. Angela asks VJ how he thinks he did in the photo shoot. Andre’s all, “Oh, besides copying me.” Angela says that, “honestly,” she thinks some of VJ’s poses looked like Andre’s. Then she once again interviews about how VJ may be a pathological liar. Well, she should know. I mean, ever since she was a little girl she’s been a pathological liar every weekend with her dad while they worked on cars together while she rehearsed her singing while she was being a veterinarian while she practiced being a model who didn’t have a daddy.

They argue. VJ is pointing to the door, saying to Andre, “Get out, get out, get out.” His hand grazes Andre’s face tenderly. The two look at each other longingly, saying with their eyes what they cannot say with their mouths. Andre reaches out and puts a finger to VJ’s lips and says, “Shhh. Don’t talk.” They embrace, their arms entwined, exploring – oh, sorry. I got caught up there for a second. Andre is pissed about VJ’s hand and wants to hit him, but won’t because he’ll get kicked off. I prefer my version, but whatever. Andre leaves the pool.

The French Kiss was invented by a Russian.

It’s dusk in Palm Springs, I think. Maybe its just smog. Andre packs his bags. VJ packs his bags. Angela packs her bags. They arrive in front of Mary Alice. VJ didn’t wash off his mascara, and for the first time he looks kind of androgynous. I have to say – not a bad look for him. Andre’s photo looks good and Mary Alice says he knows how to move his body at a photo shoot. She has nothing but kudos for him.

Angela’s up next. Mary Alice says great energy and choice of models, but she froze up and gave the exact same thing for every picture. But they discovered she has an amazing voice. Who are these people? What have they been listening to – Tiny Tim and Bon Jovi albums? Because yes, compared to them, Angela’s voice is slightly superior. But “amazing?” Sorry, no. There was no proof of that in this episode. VJ interviews that maybe she’s more of a singer than a model. Are those the only two choices? Perhaps another option, like veterinarian or mechanic.

Mary Alice says that VJ’s first photos were weak. And then she says that one photo was a lot like one of Andre’s. Ooh, it’s on! Or is it? It’s not. After the commercial break, there’s no mention of that again. Mary Alice says that later on, VJ relaxed and did better. They all worked hard, but one person is going home. “Sometimes,” Mary Alice tells us, “the most beautiful people are not the most successful models.” VJ is all, “Yeah, uh-huh,” thinking he will go home.

But Mary Alice tells Angela that she was the least model-iest today. She blathers on about all of Angela’s gifts and hard work. Angela interviews like we’d expect her to, saying that she “wanted it more than they did.” Mary Alice congratulates the last 2 contestants, Andre and VJ, and tells Andre that he won the challenge. The two arrive back at the house. Andre adds Angela’s nameplate to his fallen comrade collection. I am on the edge of my seat. Because I have to pee.

Best picture so far.

I’m back. At the house. VJ sits outside in his underwear and eats cereal. Andre and VJ enter the living room. Oh, hey, it’s Ben Stein! Remember him? The co-host of this show? He welcomes them to the last challenge, which is to create a 5-minute multimedia presentation about why they should be America’s Most Smartest Model. I can’t make these things up, people. VJ is confident, Andre not so much.

There are two women from some company to help them with the project. Since Andre won the challenge, he gets to use the Sony Ericsson Z50 mobile phone. Ben Stein would like to take a moment to tell you, the viewers at home, just what this cell phone can do. Not that he’s contractually obligated or anything. The person who wins this challenge wins the title of America’s Most Smartest Model! There’s only 5 minutes left in the show, though. Not that I’m complaining per se, but I know there’s another episode left, so I’m not sure exactly what’s going to happen.

This was the only climax I needed.

Woman #1 is trying to help Andre with his presentation, but all he’s doing is bitching about VJ. Woman #1 says that he shouldn’t just “dis” VJ in his presentation. Andre asks what “dis” means. Silly Russian! Woman #2 helps VJ, who says he’s a golden retriever to Andre’s pit bull. I think they’re both French poodles, really. Andre is struggling with his presentation. He says his head feels like it’s going to explode. It’s like they took my life and put it right up on screen. Andre suddenly gets a great idea. He uses the Sony Ericsson Z50 mobile phone — which you can use to call people! – to make a phone call. He goes outside, dials, and says, “Yo, it’s Andre.” And then, the words “To Be Continued…” flash on the screen in black. These words are less confusing than “CREW TO BE REMOVED.” I knew it! I knew they wouldn’t end this show so quickly! So one episode remains. Who will be America’s Most Smartest Model? I can tell you who it won’t be.

This will never get old to me.

Next Week: Presentations. Andre in the pool. Andre throws a curve ball. VJ and Andre wear suits. Someone wins.