America’s Next Top Model: Welcome to New Zealand! Like Arkansas, but with Sheep.

This week on America’s Next Top Model, girls are late AGAIN after go-sees, and we see the prettiest thing we’ve seen in 14 long cycles:

This rainbow could out-model any of their asses.

We open with Fatty (Alexandra) telling us that it was scary to be in the bottom two last week, but that she definitely deserved it. Uh, yeah you did. She thinks that New Zealand is a fresh start, but we know she’s more concerned about the local cuisine than this competition. They DO have In and Out Burger in NZ, right?! Meanwhile, Old Lady (Krista) is celebrating her photo win, and Hood Rat (Angelea), while happy for her friend, is wondering if she can pull a Scar with a herd of sheep once they get overseas. As for Alasia, she thinks that the other girls underestimated her and thought she was dumb or lacked common sense. Given that your first photoshoot was up your rectum, I think they were right. A combination of luck and Andre’s inexplicable love has gotten you this far, so don’t start getting cocky.

Airplane graphic!!! Love. That. Shit. Although we only see them briefly, Old Lady and Hood Rat’s first class seats look amazing. They’re like beds with TVs built in. Hell, I’d live in one of those things. I don’t need to be in no damn airplane. They arrive in Auckland, and Jessica makes herself sound retarded by telling us that she thought NZ was right above Canada. That would be GREENland. Stop sucking so much dick in grade school and pay attention, girl! She then comments that the passing scenery looks like Arkansas. Yes, people fly nearly 24 hours and pay out the ass to travel to a country that looks like Arkansas. The NZ tourism department must be having a heart attack.

They arrive on a grassy volcano where a bunch of semi-naked men (Maori, the native people of NZ) dance and chant and demonstrate how good they would be at cunnilingus. As Eyebrows (Raina) holds Jessica back, Miss J arrives with a judge of NZ’s Next Top Model. This douche is wearing Ed Hardy, so evidently Tyra’s not the only judge who dresses in the dark. Maybe they’re contractually obligated to look like assholes. Anyway, they announce that the girls are going on go-sees — right now. Haha, that sucks and I like it. Old Lady says the first funny thing I’ve ever heard her say when she comments that they smell like yesterday and that’s just nasty. They have 4.5 hours to see 6 designers. We know Alasia will be late — you think anyone else will be?

For your sake, I HOPE it’s a contractual obligation…

Hood Rat thinks that she has an advantage of being less jet-lagged than the girls in coach, and decides to go to the designer who’s the furthest away. It’s a good strategy, as we see Eyebrows arrive at Twenty Seven Names, where Fatty’s just arriving, and race past her to get to the designer first. Not like it takes too much to beat Fatty in a foot race. Fatty calls Eyebrows a bitch and leaves to find a different designer. After watching Eyebrows walk, the Twenty Seven Names designer tells us that she wouldn’t book Eyebrows for runway because she walks too slow, but she would consider her for a campaign because of her strong face.

Fatty can’t win, as she chooses Emma Ford Swimwear next — which is where Alasia is already at. As Fatty is forced to wait and suck on the stick of butter she keeps in her pocket for such situations, we see that Alasia is doing very well, as they like that she has curves to fill out a suit. Meanwhile, Hood Rat is about to visit her first designer, Kate Sylvester. Realizing that the rain hasn’t done her hair any favors, she tells us “The designers, when dey look at me, dey might be like ‘Ooh, girl, waz wrong wit yo hair?’” She vows to wow them with her personality, which is something I’ve got to see. And surprisingly — she does! Kate Sylvester loves the way Hood Rat looks in a sophisticated, tailored dress and thinks that she would be fun to have around for a show. I don’t know if Hood Rat got new medications or what, but she really is a different girl than the one we saw two cycles ago.

Eyebrows arrives at Cybele Wiren to find Jessica sitting there waiting. Jessica tells us that she gets looked down on sometimes for being a teenage hooker and future contributor to the divorce rate, but she’s working on coming out of her shell. Cybele Writen isn’t wild about Jessica, finding her too commercial. Ditto for Kate Sylvester.

Old Lady is now at Kate Sylvester who calls her “teenage Bambi.” I think it was intended as a compliment, because I think Old Lady booked it. We finally see Fatty at a designer, Stolen Girlfriends Club, but they don’t like her because she was too fat casual, particularly with her UGG boots. Has she gained weight? She looks a little terrible in these clothes, but maybe they don’t have true plus size items for her to try on. Meanwhile, Hood Rat books Twenty Seven Names.

Now Old Lady is at Emma Ford, while Eyebrows sits on the couch and watches. They love Old Lady and tell us that they would book her. However, they would not book Eyebrows as they think her body and her personality (ouch!) aren’t what they’re looking for. Eyebrows does look weird in a swimsuit, as we’ve previously noted. I don’t think she’s fat (although some toning couldn’t hurt), but it’s like her proportions are off. The length of her thighs in particular really puzzles me.

Introducing Stretch Armstrong’s friend, Eyebrows!

90 minutes remain, and it is pouring out. We see Hood Rat at Cybele Wiren, and Hood Rat books this one too! Jesus. Fatty is at Twenty Seven Names now, and they also notice and hate her UGG boots. If that wasn’t bad enough, they tell us that she has bad skin! Eeek. That is one of the last things a model wants to hear. However, it is true. I have noticed it before but I feel like I superficially harass the poor girl enough. WIth 60 minutes left, Alasia arrives at Annah Stretton, only to be observed by Old Lady, who arrives a few minutes later. Old Lady tells us that Alasia has a bad stinking walk, and looks like an old lady (ah, irony) in church holding her bag and going “Yes, Lord!” Haha, okay if Old Lady keeps amusing me like she is today, I might start liking her.

Jessica finally books something (Twenty Seven Names), and decides to go back to the agency with 40 minutes left, rather than try to squeeze in another designer. Smart girl. Hood Rat books Emma Ford and tells us that she went to and booked all 6 designers. She’s definitely booked at least 4, according to my list. She and Fatty also get back to the agency early. At this point, the other three girls have about 5 minutes remaining. Eyebrows and Alasia are competing for who can be a bigger idiot as an impatient Eyebrows decides to get out of her cab and get lost on the streets and Alasia leaves her map at the last designer she visited. Both are late. As for Old Lady, she shows up three minutes late, which sucks for her because I think she was the only one in the running to win other than Hood Rat.

Time for feedback from the NZ assclown from before and the host of the NZ version of the show. First, Eyebrows, Alasia and Old Lady are thrown out of the room for being late (45 minutes late in Alasia’s case!). Then turning to Jessica, the assclown reveals that she only booked one out of four designers because she was too commercial. Fatty booked zero out of four designers because she wasn’t wearing any makeup and wasn’t prepared. Ouch. As for Hood Rat — she was right. She booked six out of six. This may be a first in ANTM history. I certainly cannot remember anyone in recent cycles getting to and booking all six designers (and making it back early to boot!). As she tells us, she IS competition. For the record, my notes show that Old Lady booked at least two out of three, Alasia booked at least one out of two, and Eyebrows didn’t book either of the two we saw her go on.

The girls go to their new house, where both Hood Rat and Old Lady (as last week’s photo winner) receive clothing from each of the six designers. The next morning greets them with a gorgeous rainbow, and Tyra Mail suggests a sheep-themed photoshoot. They arrive in a field and are greeted by Mr. Jay and Nigel. The premise of the shoot is that each girl has to wear the same dress to prove that she can stand out, and then pose with the sheep.

“FML.”

Fatty is first, and she’s all about rolling around with the sheep. Feels a connection with them, I suppose. She seems to do very well and Jay tells her that she found her spark again. I don’t think she ever really had one, but okay. Jessica is next, and she immediately slips and falls on her ass. Nigel tells us that while she had some great poses, her face looked a bit lost and uncommitted. She’s in danger. Alasia also struggles, giving the same expression over and over, and just being boring. Bottom two for sure. Eyebrows does awesome, but Hood Rat focuses way too much on showcasing the dress and does shitty. However with her amazing go-see win, I can’t believe she’s in danger. As for Old Lady, she’s scared that the sheep is going to bite her, but gets over it enough to molest the sheep and get some great shots.

Back at the house, Alasia, Jessica and Hood Rat are all nervous. I think it will be Alasia and Jessica in the bottom, and I have to believe that Alasia’s luck has run out. They head off to panel, where the guest judge is the host of NZ’s top model. Eyebrows is up first for evaluation, and the judges absolutely love it. I don’t care for this girl that much, but the picture is incredible.

“Finally! Posing with someone whose face is hairier than mine!”

Alasia is next, and it’s not very good. I can barely find her face in the picture thanks to the billowing dress. Nigel tells her that it wasn’t inspirational, and her fan club Andre even turns against her, noting that the most interesting thing in the picture is the sheep.

Alasia’s choir robes to go along with her handbag at church.

They love Fatty’s picture and tell her that she really committed. I don’t care for it that much because we’re looking up her nostrils yet again and you can’t even really see the dress. I just don’t think that Fatty has any creativity or willingness to try new things because every week it’s either arched back, up the nostrils, or both. Ugh. She’s riding the plus-size model distinction further than she should be allowed.

“Mmm. Mutton.”

I really like Jessica’s picture, but the judges say that her face lacked passion and a story. I guess it’s a bit distant, but I don’t see how her soft face and awesome body language is worse than staring at Fatty’s brain matter through her nasal cavity. The NZ judge also says that she didn’t like it all because she’s “not into armpits.” Armpits are a modeling staple on ANTM, so that’s not really helpful. Plus, the dress covers them so it’s not like they’re out front, looking gross. Tyra tells Jessica to work on making ugly faces to combat her tendency to look too commercial.

“This reminds me of one of my favorite games — slutty sheep and angry shepherd.”

Nigel tells Old Lady that she was magical and absolutely unbelievable. Everyone joins in on the praise party, and Old Lady hasn’t been this happy since V-Day in 1945.

“Ooh wee! This is better than when I got to stop rationing sugar and coffee and butter when our boys came home from the war!”

The judges don’t like the dress that Hood Rat is wearing, although they quickly backtrack and say it would be good for the clubs when Hood Rat says it was one of the garments she won from the go-see designers. Whoops. There’s then an odd interlude where Hood Rat demonstrates how she would model the dress in a club, which involves her sashaying down the runway and blowing kisses at imaginary people. Uhh, okay. None of the judges seem to know what the fuck that was, and neither do I. Turning to the picture, Nigel tells her that she didn’t try hard enough and Andre thinks she lacked focus. It’s all right, but a bit boring so I see their point.

“Dat dere sheep better not be frontin’ wit dat placid act. Dat bitch don’t want none of dis, you knowha I’m sayin’?”

Deliberations. Eyebrows worked it and looks high fashion. Alasia had no idea what she was doing, and the picture shows you nothing. Fatty is super committed and looks like she’s having a painful orgasm (which is evidently a good thing in this context). Jessica didn’t bring personality and there’s a disconnect. Old Lady sold the garment and is here to win. Hood Rat was all about the dress could do and not what she could do, and she “traumatized” the NZ judge with her club modeling. I still think Alasia’s out, but let’s see. Here’s the order: Old Lady, Fatty, Eyebrows, and Hood Rat, who was standing there looking like her dog died. As Tyra hands her the photo, Tyra tells Hood Rat that she needs to work on her dejected demeanor, because it’s simply not attractive. Crying, Hood Rat promises to stop that. I’ll believe it when I see it. Hood Rat is all about false confidence and victim mentality.

This leaves Jessica and Alasia in the bottom two, as predicted. Alasia is there because she lacks focus despite her potential. Jessica is there because her face goes too commercial in some pictures. And going is… Alasia! Yay! I know this will make a lot of you happy, and while she didn’t annoy me as much as she annoyed some of you, I think it’s the right choice.

So what did you think? Should Alasia have gone home over Jessica? Are Old Lady’s back-to-back photo wins indicative that she’s now the favorite? And would anyone else like to go sit in a cow patty with Nigel?

See you next week!