America’s Next Top Model: Modelling’s a Drag

[Guest writer: JadedBitch.]

Girls jumping around on their beds wearing nothing but skimpy tank tops and panties? It’s Girls Gone Wild! No, actually it’s just the opening scene for America’s Next Top Model, cause you know, that’s what all supermodels like to do with one another. We then zoom in on Cassie, who is busy doing pilates in her thong. Why, that’s exactly what I wear when I do my leg circles! I just find it brings that much more freedom to the workout!

If anyone was wondering what book Tocarra was reading, it was Arthur Golden’s Memoirs of a Geisha. I could tell by the blurred out cover. Though, later on in the episode, she apparently has finished with that novel and moved herself onto something else which I did not recognize. What a quick reader, that one! I guess when you’re a plus-size, you don’t exactly feel like bouncing around on beds or doing “The Hundred” in your gaunch.The girls whined about being fat as they re-enacted last week’s trampoline photo shoot on their mattresses. “I have some pudge!” one squealed as she swung her pillow at another. Then Rizzo came in wearing a wig and made fun of Sandra Dee. Actually, it was just Norelle, and she wasn’t wearing a wig, but she did demonstrate her lyrical gansta skillz when she said, “I’d like to be more abby, right now I’m still a bit flabby.” This was followed by a “Yo, ‘sup dawg?” nod to the camera as she shoved her hands into her armpits and yelled, “Boyyyyyyeeee!” Wow, who woulda thought that after the braces come off, out comes da rhymez!

The next morning, Yaya answered the phone only to be greeted by what seemed to be a recorded Tyra message. “Hi, it’s Tyra! I need you all to meet me in twenty minutes. Dress like you’re going to panel and bring comfortable shoes! Seeya!” I mean, it must’ve been a recording cause who calls people and just starts jabbering away at them like that? I thought she was going to tell Yaya her library book was overdue or offer her a new long distance package.

When everyone congregated in front of Miss Tyra, they found it was time for their “Go Sees” which some of you may remember from previous seasons means they have to go to a bunch of designers and try to sell themselves while resisting the temptation to cry as they get judged on their walk, personality, and looks. The person who scored the highest would win a rack of clothes from one of the designers.

She-Man Ann (see, I’m a lyrical gansta too, Norelle! Boyyyyeeee!!) pleaded her case to the camera by saying that she was prettier in person than in photos. Sure, Ann, that’s what they all say. In fact, I’m actually prettier with your eyes closed.

The first stop was designer Nicole Miller, who was looking for a Miller Girl. This sounded like a bad beer commercial, didn’t it? Did she not realize that the Miller Girl label was already taken by some sorority originated by the brewing house?

Norelle joined the ranks of She-Man Ann when she said that she was “so retarded.” Somewhere on his sofa, Big Brother 2′s Bunky zapped off his TV. (For the record, I’m with Bunky on this one. I hate the word and don’t ever use it. Except of course, when writing this recap for TVGasm.) Wow, so that now makes two mentally challenged models (that we know of)! And here we thought Amanda the Blind Chick had it hard. Norelle, I think you proved your “retardedness” when you tried to rap earlier on. Or maybe it was when you bailed on the runway during the Heatherettes fashion show. Either way, what I’m trying to say is: we know.

In other news, Amanda the Blind Chick forgot her shoes. Did she not listen to the Tyra recorded message? Bring comfortable shoes! Everyone else slipped on their model-esque flats, while Amanda slummed in her Converse sneakers. “I thought she meant comfortable! Oh that’s right, I’m a model. Comfortable equals flats. DUH! I’m so retarded!” Now where is Star Jones when you need her? Instead, Amanda decided to go shoe shopping, accompanied by Ann, Eva, Tocarra, and Cassie, all of whom could not resist the lure of a shoe store. Even though they only had 15 minutes to get to their next appointment and their “careers” were on the line here, shoe shopping seemed much more important. Priorities!

The other girls that didn’t go (i.e. the boring ones), left with the car and went to the next designer, Nanette Lepore. Ann, Amanda, Eva, Tocarra and Cassie ran around frantically trying to find their next destination which involved a tussle between Tocarra and Ann, who managed to get the information on where to go but only wanted to share it with her lesbian lover Eva, or as she likes to call her, Mommy. WTF! Tocarra literally had to rip the memo out of Ann’s powerful man-like hands.

In the end, the Boring Girls (Yaya, Nicole…and I don’t remember the others) waited in the lobby of Nanette Lepore for everyone to arrive before going in. They were 20 minutes late, which evoked a lecture from Ms. Lepore. When she was done, the judging began. The girls were graded like cattle. It looked like a scene from Are You Hot? with Ms. Lepore playing the role of Lorezno Lamas. All she was missing was the laser pointer.

Tocarra encountered her first problem with sizing, when they could barely find anything for her to fit into. The rest of the episode would feature more plus-size trouble and surprisingly, without any GONG! sound effects.

Third up was designer Diane Von Furstenburg, followed by Cynthia Rowley who promptly noted that Norelle couldn’t walk and that perhaps she was a bit retarded. By the time they reached the last designer, Marc Bouwer, all the girls were exhausted from their day of shoe shopping and playing dress-up. Maybe they shouldn’t have had that slumber party the night before. Damn that Rizzo!

Tocarra finally found where she belonged when Marc Bouwer called her a movie star as she glided along in one of his evening gowns. Everyone else seemed to trip over theirs, while Cassie had her ass measured and was told she was too big. Somewhere in her living room, Mary-Kate Olsen put down her carrot and thought, “How rude!”

Yaya won the prize, the second week in a row. Are the producers trying to tell us something? The other girls lamented their loss, while Norelle waxed poetic about coming in last. Amanda offered up some bland advice when she said, “Obstacles are nothing but things to step off of.” Thanks for that chortle, Amanda. Isn’t that like the blind leading the retarded?

Norelle’s limited mental capacity apparently induces bad grammar. During a phone conversation with her mom, she told her, “I’m not doing good.” For the last time people, it’s, “I’m not doing WELL!.” OY! What a retard!!! Later, of course, she tooted her own horn, rang her own bell, beat her own drum, if you will, when she told everyone at dinner that she had no previous modelling experience and that she couldn’t believe she was still here! Like, ohmygod! And also, you can’t walk. Zinger!

Dinner was had at the Sunburnt Cow, an Australian restaurant in New York, where the girls ate kangaroo. There must’ve been something in that crazy kangaroo meat, as it caused Norelle and Ann to have a Britney and Madonna moment. This escalated into a mini hot tub party with a number of the girls (i.e. not the boring ones) jumping in wearing their skivvies. Suddenly I was watching The Bachelor. Meanwhile, Rizzo pouted in the corner for not having been invited. Damn that Sandra Dee!

The next day, the girls met up with an unrecognizable J. Alexander who showed up wearing *gasp* men’s clothes! Can you imagine? He was followed out by none other than Janice Dickinson. Wait a minute, upon closer inspection, it turned out not to be Janice at all! In fact, it was just Jay Manuel in drag! Ah, so instead of becoming a white man like we suspected he would, he surprised us all by following in the footsteps of Michael Jackson and became a white woman instead! Meanwhile, Cassie turned her head and thought it was “gross.” Coming from Oklahoma, she had apparently never seen anyone do drag before.

The girls had to do a photo shoot where they would appear as two opposite extremes of themselves, later to be digitally enhanced to look as though the two images were interacting. So they would get dressed up one way, take a few shots, and then get dressed up in an entirely different way, and take some more. This all revolved around a Ford Mustang, which took centre stage in the picture, complete with a shameless plug to go to UPN.Com to enter some contest.

Cassie whined about too much going on in her head: – news of her uncle being sick had her worried – news from Marc Bouwer that her thighs were actually a 39, not a 35 – news that drag queens exist

Tocarra meanwhile had to strap her 38DDD (GONG!) puppies down. She argued with the wardrobe person about it not being her fault that she was big and that they should have her size in stock, ready to go! I agree, Tocarra. It definitely is not your fault that the fashion industry tailors to skinny-ass beeyatches.

In the apartment, the girls as usual fretted about who was going to be going home. Norelle smothered herself in her bed with a plate of what looked suspiciously like McDonald’s food and said, “This is the kind of food you eat when you’re depressed.” Somewhere around North America, McDonald’s suddenly saw a peak in their sales. I must agree with Norelle, though. There’s nothing quite like a Filet o’ Fish, McChicken, and Fries when feeling down. Or happy. Or just bored.

The panel was not that exciting this week, other than having Jay Manuel in drag be a guest judge. Oh wait a sec, that’s just Janice Dickinson! Silly me.

Cassie, who hated New York, who has thunder thighs, who does pilates in her underwear, who didn’t really want to be there anyway, was sent home. “I can’t wait to get back to Oklahoma!”she said. “Away from all these girls! I never want to live with girls again!” She packed up her bags and could not rush out the door fast enough, as if she was being chased by a drag queen.