America’s Next Top Model: The Surfer Dope Chick Wipes Out

Hey everyone! Your regularly scheduled America’s Next Top Model recapper, Hoolia, is out kicking ass interviewing for jobs that actually pay, so I’ll be subbing in for her this week. I’ll do my best to live up to the quality you expect from her, so without further ado, let’s bring on the vapidness!

“Honk honk! Oh man, this shit’s off the hizzle at the strip club!”

Well before we get started, I should probably give you a quick run-down on my opinions of this cycle and ANTM as a whole. I hate Tyra. I loved her until about cycle 6 or 7, but since then her massive ego and ridiculous antics have made us sworn enemies. Miss J comes in as a close second, mostly for being Tyra’s unfunny partner in crime at panel far too often. I love Mr. Jay and Paulina, although I still miss Janice. And of course I would totally bang the British accent right out of Nigel.

As for the girls, Lauren Cheese and Elina (whose makeover I actually like) are probably my favorites from their pictures, although I’m not 100% sold on anyone yet. Josyln and Sheena have the best personalities, but their pictures aren’t cutting it. I hate McKey’s makeover and think she looks like a Paul McCartney impersonator from a Beatles cover band. I dislike Sam the most. As for the rest, they’re kinda meh to me right now. Okay, let’s go.

The morning after Clark’s merciful elimination (smell ya later, bitch), the girls are up making breakfast. Samantha tries out a Fake french accent — perhaps with some fake French insecurities a la Marjorie to match — and Elina makes a face in response that mirrors my own. Sam tells Elina, Joslyn and McKey how her father’s super strict and how children of super controlling parents turn out crazy. In my experience, they usually turn out to be the ones getting their stomachs pumped during freshman orientation. Elina agrees, explaining that her own (STUPID BITCH OF A) mom was super controlling, which is why she’s so controlling herself. I knew it. Mom wouldn’t let little Elina play in the ball pit at McDonald’s, and it’s turned into a life-long hatred.

“OMG. Why aren’t we talking about me anymore?!”

In another room, Lauren Cheese is worried about how the judges told her she doesn’t have enough personality. Well, LC, they have a point. My parents’ decrepit 14-year-old cat has more fire than you. You should see that thing with a furball. Huddled in bed with her insecurities for comfort, Marjorie tries to convince LC that she’s not going to be eliminated because she’s so versatile, while LC dismisses that and frets that she’s just a pretty face. Umm, not the description I would use. Girlfriend can take some great pictures, but if I ran into her in a dark alley I’d probably shit myself in fear. LoLo doesn’t do zombies.

A while later, Elina and Lauren Cheese are sunbathing and talking shit about Denise Richards Analeigh and how she doesn’t look like a model. However, I’m too distracted by LC’s wardrobe to pay much attention, as she switches from an unhooked leopard print bra/bikini top to a hooked lacy bra and back again. Analeigh herself comes outside and asks a nearby Marjorie if the girls view her as competition. Elina doesn’t hesitate to repeat her opinion, something I find rude yet admirable, while Analeigh sucks discontentedly on a lollipop.

Elina will queef for the mute.

The girls pile into their van and arrive at a dressing room, where they find snail mail Tyra mail. Inside is yet another unflattering USPS-themed photo of T, but no message. As they sit there puzzling over that, guess who walks in? Yep, Tyra herself, wearing the stupid mailman outfit and bellowing “Tyra mail!” Of course in the episode I sub in for, we get one of the Tyra-led challenges. Goody.

She pulls the actual Tyra mail message from her bag and dramatically reads it to the girls. It’s at least three times as long as a normal Tyra mail because we all know Tyra can’t resist any opportunity to make an asshole out of herself and show off her acting chops. Seriously, every time she pulls this shit, Mariah Carey and Britney Spears silently thank her for making the general public forget a little bit more about their stunning performances in Glitter and Crossroads.

Tyra scampers out and the girls change into matching black dresses and heels, then venture onto a set to find Tyra in the middle of a staged photoshoot that’s about thisclose to being pornographic as her gigantic breastessess threaten to shoot out of her tank top at any moment. She explains that she will be teaching the girls today about finding their own signature poses, and to do this she will have each girl take 10 shots on her own, then review those shots with Tyra, then take an additional 10 shots with Tyra’s coaching.

Analeigh is up first and decides her signature pose has something to do with ice skating — then proceeds to strike a series of ridiculous poses that would only look good if she were in a Pocahontas costume at Disney On Ice. Tyra reviews the 10 pictures and tells her they’re too literal and holds her mouth like she’s sucking dick. On her second time around, Analeigh changes it to “rebel” ice skater, but then does the same shit in front of the camera. Her final picture looks like she just discovered she stepped in gum.

“Oh Captain John Smith, there seems to be a stone in my moccasin skate! When you finish that double lutz with Ariel, will you help me?”

McKey goes next and despite one shot where she’s channeling Divine Brown mid-arrest, she does pretty well. Tyra tells her to work on her neck, and the second batch of 10 shots are even better. For her turn, Sam focuses on her hands, which Tyra calls too Edward Scissorhands while Elina tells us that Sam’s face isn’t strong enough for the competition. Just keep digging yourself deeper into the bottom two this week, honey. Lauren Cheese walks like an Egyptian, while complaining to us that she doesn’t have a signature pose yet. Well anything’s better than what you’re doing. Tyra randomly declares her “surfer dope chick” while the other girls call her bland and LC cries in the confessional.

“Cowabunga! Got any brains to eat?”

Sheena’s up next and Tyra immediately tells her to be aware of her skankiness. Sheena tries to comply, but Tyra’s suggested posing of bending at the waist and letting her fake tits swing around isn’t helping. Tyra calls Joslyn stiff in the neck, but helps her get a nice profile shot. On Elina’s turn, she gets saddled with the signature pose of “top model of the world.” Okay unless she holds up a picture of Tyra in front of her head, how is she supposed to pull this one off? Tyra jumps in, throwing the “control” word around and literally moves Elina’s arms and legs to a pose she likes. Well if sandbagging the Mississippi is what a top model of the world pose looks like, then Elina nailed it.

“On 3 — 1, 2, 3… heave ho!”

The producers cue up the cheesy French music for Marjorie, who decides her pose will be the hunchback of Notre Dame. No joke, and she does it quite literally too. Quasimodo would be proud. The final shot isn’t quite as bad, but she still looks like me when I’m wasted and bending over to pick up my dropped cell phone — about two seconds from losing my balance and falling in a gutter. Totally not my fault. The sidewalk moved, that bastard. By the way, can someone please teach Tyra how to correctly pronounce “Notre Dame”? It is not pronounced as a synonym for a woman, nor is it pronounced as a four-letter word, as in “damn you’re annoying, Tyra.”

Afterwards, Tyra announces this was not just a lesson — it was a challenge too! My guess is McKey won it, since she seemed to need the least help from Tyra. However, I’m wrong as Tyra picks Marjorie, who in turn picks Analeigh to share the prize with her. They each get to select a piece of diamond jewelry. Marjorie picks out a cute square-shaped pendant and chain in white gold, whereas Analeigh heads straight for the tacky with a yellow-gold peace sign. What, were they out of yin/yangs? God.

Back at the house, a new Tyra mail arrives which is actually cryptic, saying “You better bring it or you’re never going to work in this town again.” Sounds like the acting challenge, if anything. They pull up at an old theater, while Sheena simultaneously dates herself and her lingo by saying this photoshoot will be “off the hizzle!” Sheena dear, it may be time to go back to that gentleman’s club from whence you came. Mr. Jay arrives to explain the shoot: each girl will be given an embarrassing moment to act out from an awards show Tyra held on her talk show. Yay, cross-promotion!

“My mother would never let me put white stuff under my eyes. FUCK YOU MOM!”

Marjorie is up first as “using restroom in a gown.” She capitalizes on her awkwardness again, and despite the redic uggo turban on her head, seems to nail it. Sam, who is really annoying me lately, busts out two different fake accents within 30 seconds of arriving on set. Her assignment is “can’t read cue cards” which is supposed to be based on bright lights, but for her may be based on illiteracy. She struggles at first by being cheesy and cycle 10-Whitney fake, but eventually Jay seems to think she got some decent shots.

Elina has been screwed over by the producers with her assignment of “over emotional winner.” She launches into another explanation of how her (STUPID BITCH OF A) mother didn’t let her show emotions, and how she now hates to do so because then she’s not in control. God, if Tyra could jump out of our TVs (shudder) and beat us with Elina’s plotline this episode, she would. Jay gets her to break down crying on set by conducting a therapy session, but he tells her his emotional manipulation scored her her best pictures yet. Good thing because option (B) was to watch him drown kittens. Or Tyra’s audition reel. I know that would make me cry.

Lauren Cheese is next with “trips on the stairs” — while telling us that the concepts of the photoshoot are becoming harder to grasp. Yes, yes. Tripping is conceptually difficult. Oh, poor LC. Bland AND stupid. Thank God they didn’t give her Marjorie’s peeing assignment. She’d probably stick her head in the toilet in confusion. Her shoot doesn’t go too well as Jay calls her super posey, and tells us she more resembled a toppled-over mannequin than a model.

“Okay… trip on the stairs… TRIP on the stairs… fudgesicles, this is hard!”

McKey’s got her damn moptop out of her eyes for once, and it’s a huge improvement. Her assignment is “believes she’s going to win, but loses.” She seems to do okay, but nothing great. Backstage, Sheena’s working on not being hoochie by rubbing her boobs against Marjorie’s, before flat-out molesting Marj, who chalks this up to another difference between French and American cultures. Or the difference between those with and without personal boundaries. Sheena’s assignment is “starlet steps on her gown” and Jay finds her boring and safe. I don’t know how many more weeks she can slide by on “not hoochie”, which has gotten her this far after that initial criticism.

Joslyn’s up next, with “another starlet in the same gown.” We barely see any of her shoot, but she seems to have improved from recent weeks, judging by Jay’s comments. Analeigh also has a rough assignment, as she’s “interviewer with an attitude.” Jay immediately scolds her for being posey, but she adjusts by putting on a bitch face and rolling her eyes. It definitely looks like an interviewer with attitude, but possibly isn’t model-y enough. However, Jay and Analeigh are both happy.

Back at the house, the girls settle in for the night while worrying about tomorrow’s panel. For some reason, the shot of Sam playing with a Rubik’s Cube cracks me up. Analeigh and Lauren Cheese seem the most nervous. I’d say it’s a safe bet that at least one of them is in the bottom two. My guess is LC, and then Sheena there with her.

Time for panel. Tyra does the standard introduction of prizes and the panel members, while wearing a hoodie over her head and referring to herself as Little Black Riding Hood — aka a fucking idiot. McKey is up first.

Pretty sure your date is more interested in getting in your vag than you getting that award, McKey.

Paulina and Nigel love it, but Tyra wanted a bit more emotion (which she then demonstrates, of course). I’m not very impressed, either.

“Don’t tell me you just stole the high roller in the Armani suit at table 7, ho. That’s my lap dance!”

Sheena comes up next, and Tyra compliments her on not looking like she dressed in the dark for once. As for her shot, Nigel thinks she looked too far out of the corner of her eyes, giving her a possessed appearance, and Paulina thinks she didn’t use her body well enough. Sheena bites back her retort that Paulina should see her work a pole then, and thanks the judges. I actually like this picture, because I can actually see what the dress looks like.

My expression anytime Tyra talks.

The judges really like Analeigh’s picture, praising her for clearly embodying an irritated reporter while remembering to be model with her body language. Her pose is nice, except for the fact it’s given her a bit of a belly. Analeigh is happy, and I think it’s safe to say Lauren Cheese is officially screwed.

“<Sniff> I may be illiterate but I can solve a Rubik’s Cube!”

Samantha throws her hat into the elimination ring when the judges dislike her picture. Paulina thinks she looks more like she’s upset or going to cry than she looks blinded by the lights, and I definitely agree. Nigel also isn’t seeing the concept in the shot, but praises her for showing emotion and looking nice.

“Why is this albino bitch wearing my dre— I’m Gonzo! Waaaaaah!”

The judges love Joslyn’s shot, telling her it’s even better than the much-praised pictures from the first few photoshoots. It is gorgeous. Tyra’s glad she went with a partial profile shot after working on that during the challenge, and Jos tears up when talking about how she’s uncomfortable with her nose. Personally, I think her nose is cute so I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. Stop ruining your moment!

Finally skinny girls know how us Spanx-wearers feel.

Marjorie’s up next, and thankfully Tyra finally pronounces “Notre Dame” correctly when explaining Marj was the challenge winner. Turning to her picture, while I still hate that turban on her head, the judges and I both love this shot. Nigel and the guest judge photographer compliment the way she kept her mouth soft and relaxing while contorting, and Tyra praises her for remembering her challenge lesson.

Zombies can levitate, too? Holy crap.

The judges dislike Lauren Cheese’s picture as predicted after Analeigh did well, telling LC that her pose is not believable and that she looks like she’s floating rather than tripping. Tyra tells her she doesn’t let go enough, and while the close-up of LC’s face is all right, the picture as a whole isn’t working. Miss J accuses her of relying on hair and makeup too much, and Paulina bluntly tells her she’s sliding back instead of moving forward. Shit, I’m pretty sure zombie girl will be roaming the streets soon…

“Mom, you fat whore, this ISN’T for you!”

Up last is Elina. I absolutely despise the wifebeater-muscle tee shirt she’s wearing at panel, and her picture is super disappointing. How can this fakey expression be her best shot when Jay got her to really cry? Tyra goes back to her “control” lecture with Elina, who does actually start crying again and explains that she did let herself lose control at the shoot and if that wasn’t enough, she doesn’t know what to say. Neither do I. I just hope she doesn’t get sent home.

The girls are shooed out for deliberations. Paulina thinks Sheena doesn’t look like a model despite some great legs, and Nigel agrees, saying she’s started to sag in a way her fake boobs never will. They see a lot of potential in McKey and Analeigh, and Nigel lets out a hot foreign pronunciation of the word “amateur” which distracts me for a moment. Nigel thinks Sam looks great in her picture, but the consensus is that the picture’s beauty is due to photography, not her modeling. They repeat their love of Joslyn and Marjorie’s pictures. Turning to Elina, they rehash the control issue and Paulina astutely says Elina needs to lose control without feeling like she’s humiliating herself in the process. For Lauren Cheese, they think her previous work is great, but this week’s picture is awful, perhaps due to coasting on just being a pretty zombie and not actually improving her modeling.

The girls are back, and it’s time for results. I hope Marjorie is called first — and she is! That really was a great shot. She’s followed by Analeigh, McKey, Samantha, Elina, and Joslyn. This puts Sheena and Lauren Cheese in the bottom two, as I predicted. Personally, I think Sam was weaker than Sheena, and what the hell is with Joslyn being called last of the safe girls? Sheena and LC step forward for the final critique — LC is unique and has a rare face for modeling, but is so boring she could keel over and die and no one would notice. On the other hand, Sheena’s personality is great, but she doesn’t really have the best modeling look and is probably too skanky. Overall, I think LC should stay but Sheena’s better TV so… Sheena stays. Tyra tells her she has to find the balance between going too crazy and being flat. Uh, too late for that flat part, remember, Ty?

Lauren Cheese holds it together nicely, explaining she does have a personality, but tells us she thinks she may have kinda given up. So let’s see: bland, stupid and a quitter. Awesome. See ya later, zombie girl. Please stay away from Chicago.

So what did you think? Did Lauren Cheese deserve to get the boot? Is Marjorie becoming less annoying and more of a legitimate contender? And are Sheena’s days numbered?

Next week, we get a sure-to-be hilarious acting episode and the return of Hoolia! I enjoyed subbing for you guys, and hope this recap tides you over until your girl returns. Good luck on the job search, H!