America’s Next Top Model: Behold The Goddess Of Fierce(ly Insane)!

Hey-Ho to all of you Tyra-ites! This is J-Mo, and I’m here to serve as your faithful acolyte as we once again become devotees at the Altar Of Stick-Thin Bitches Who Never Eat. Yes, it’s time for Cycle Twelve of America’s Next Top Model…, where 2 Tic-Tacs and a Marlboro Light is considered “lunch”, where intelligence and self-awareness are as rare as new home sales, and where crying over nothing is considered normal behavior (outside of pre-school). And rising above it all to grace us with Her Modelicious Presence?…

…The Goddess Of Fierce (And Slightly Vertically Elongated Shots)…

I swear to you guys, I did not stretch that screen-shot, it was broadcast that way! This leads me to wonder if Tyra’s stiill having a few weight issues. She also looks really hungry. I’d be frightened to wander by her carrying a 10-piece McNuggets at this point, and you bet your sweet cheeks I’d call 911 on her fat ass if she tried to take ‘em. Nobody steals my pressed-chicken-by-product-shapey-thingies! Anyhow, there are a lot of girls just waiting to be ridiculed, so let’s not waste any more time and jump right in!Hey, guess what? Tonight’s show starts off in… Las Vegas! Wow, in this craponomy they must be hurting bad and begging for the exposure because just about every TV show in the past six months has had an episode filmed there. It’s only a matter of time before we get to see “Vegas” episodes of shows you’d never expect to visit Sin City, such as Judge Judy, The 700 Club and Sesame Street. Anyhow, Tyra just loves Vegas for it’s fine restaurants (obviously) spectacular shows (not this one) and the “sexiest shopping on the planet!” (which in my book would be M&M World).

There were thousands of applicants, and Ty-Ty has generously narrowed them down to 34 semi-finalists and brought them to Caesar’s Palace to see what these “goddesses” are made of. However, only a lucky thirteen of them will be chosen to continue on in the hopes of becoming…

…America’s Next Top QVC Hand Model!…

After several zoom shots of the Strip, we zero in on a bus full of screaming, caterwauling, yowling models. First up we meet Allison from New Orleans, who’s telling everyone she’s going to forget their names within five seconds. That’s three seconds longer than I’ll remember most of these soon-to-be-castoffs. Allison’s saying it’s hard for her to interact with a lot of other girls, she often gets called “creepy” or “strange” or “something”. That might have something to do with the fact that she has freakishly huh-yooge eyeballs…

…America’s Next Top Anime Character!…

I did that so you will be as creeped out by her as I am. And boy are people right on the money when they call Anime-Eyes “strange” or “scary” or “demonic” but we’ll get to that all in good time. Right now it’s time to meet the stereotypical ghetto-girl / ‘hood rat, so we bring on Angelea from Buffalo, NY, who immediately says (quite bitchily) that “These girls sittin’ up here like America’s Next Best Friend… I’m not here for you, I’m here to model!” I’ve never understood why these people seem to think the two are mutually exclusive, like you just can’t be there to model, and be friendly to others. I’m guessing Angelea’s just pissy cuz she’s exhausted from having to lug around those giant heavy-ass Jody Watley-esque earrings…

…both Jody and the statue-head look like they’re telling Angelea to shut it…

The bus pulls up to Caesar’s and there is a line of big beefy Roman Soldiers standing facing the models as they giggle they way off the bus. Woof! When is there going to be America’s Next Top Male Model, Tyra? Suddenly the soldiers part and out mince walk Miss J. Alexander and Mister Jay Manuel! The models immediately erupt into another bout of shrieky banshee screams.

And at the 2:26 mark we have our first crier of the night, whose name is Felicia (a.k.a. “Fo”) from Albuquerque, NM. Why is she crying? Because she saw Mr. & Miss J and thinks they look like dolls. I’m crying because Mr. Jay has dyed his hair an impossible shade of silvery lavender that I know Feria doesn’t fucking carry…

…the look on the Roman Soldier’s face says it all…

Jay welcomes them to Caesar’s Palace, and Miss J. says that this week it’s better known as the “Temple Of Tyra”. Bette Midler’s gonna be pissed, cuz her name is on the main marquee. Anyhow Jay gestures to a statue in the fountain behind them and says it is a representation of Nike, the Goddess of Victory (and Overpriced Footwear) and that in order to become the next Top Model, the girls will need to embody her spirit, her poise, and most importantly, her determination. That sounds beautifully poetic until they give us a good look at this fabulous statue…

…well, I guess Nike’s really determined not to eat any more…

Truth be told, Nike would never make it on this show anyhow, she’s too healthy-looking (even without her arms and head). Anyhow, Jay’s still yapping away about how only a select few of the girls are going to go from “mere models” all the way to “full-on goddesses!” This prompts an overjoyed interview from Sandra of Rockville, MD, who tells us she loves it “because guess what? I’m a full on goddess! [only she pronounces it "go-DESS"] I’m an African Queen, I’m from Kenya and I’m a go-DESS!”…

…nice to meet you, your high-NESS…

Miss J. says they can’t become goddesses dressed the way they are (trampyskanky) so they send the girls off to change into goddess costumes. This prompts more screaming from this gaggle of stick-figures… well, most of them are stick-figures… there is one “plus-sized” girl, Kortnie from Houston, Texas (and of course she’s from Texas, because they grow everything bigger there, right Flipit?).

Anyhow, Kortnie’s feeling a little on the Portlie side as she notices all the prominent clavicles and pelvic bones she is surrounded by (not to mention the fact that she’s got an amazing rack while most of the other girls barely have mosquito-bites) and says there’s no way she could ever be that thin. Trust, Kortnie, I think most guys would rather bury their faces in your cleavage than bump their noses against a rib cage. Once the girls are all dressed in their costumes they meet up with the new Silvender-Fox Jay, who tells them how cute they all look. All’s I can think of is that scene from History Of The World Part One with Madeline Kahn and the Vestal Virgins (or “VV’s” as she liked to call them)…

…all that’s missing are the little belts with DO NOT ENTER signs…

Silvender Fox Jay tells them that they are actually going to have their first photo-shoot! (more screams!) They’ll be taking profile shots only (something tells me Hood Rat has had some experience in the past with those) and first up today is Celia from Cynthiana, KY, who says at 25 she is the oldest out of all the girls. Isn’t modelling great for womens’ self-esteem? Size 9 equals “Gertie The Walking Land Mass” and age 25 equals “MeeMaw”. Celia works in the Men’s Department at Bergdorf Goodman and loves to be “saturated” in fashion. Ew.

Hey, here’s that Fo Ho again, and she’s insisting on getting a hug from Jay before she gets her picture taken. Jay agrees, but his face looks as though he’s just been “saturated” in icky girl-germs…

…as he desperately scans the craft-table in the distance for a giant bottle of liquid sanitizer…

Fo Ho says she’s a hippie and a tree-hugger. Jay may look wooden, but he ain’t no tree, bitch! Hands off the makeup artist or you’ll wind up looking like Jan Crouch the next time he gets ahold of you! Ahhhh, and here is the go-DESS Queen Sandra again, and while she poses, Jay notices right away “You were born to do this, right?!”, to which she responds “Yes, I was!” Great, Jay, she’s already this shy of using the Royal “We” and you’re not helping things by feeding her Africa-sized ego!

Queenie zooms right on over to MegaBeyotchâ„¢ when she interviews “I don’t think anyone is my competition. I stand out, I’m the darkest, I’m unique and I’m beautiful! It’s like ‘aaugkh’ *dismissive wave* I got this!” Don’t get too cocky, girl, all they’re having you do so far is stand there expressionless while they take a picture of the side of your head. She is pretty cute, though, I have to give her that.

After a few other girls for whom even standing still is apparently too much of a challenge, we are introduced to Union, NJ resident Aminat, who is competing with Queenie for Biggest Initial ‘Tude Out The Box as she says she wouldn’t even be there if she wasn’t gonna win, she’s just that determined. She goes on to say that she just knows Tyra’s gonna love her and they’re gonna be BFF’s and they’re gonna go shopping…

…she forgot to add the part about when her name is gonna appear on a court-sanctioned restraining order…

Good luck with that fantasy, AmINuts… They have half your mug-shot in the can already! Moving right along, we have another Jersey Girl! This one’s named Teyona, and she says her hometown of Woodstown, NJ is in the country with lots of cornfields and chickens, and that she grew up riding dirt-bikes with the boys and playing football. I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that perhaps Teyona is, shall we say, a Teyomboy? And with that, their first photo-shoot is over with and the girls are sent to meet Miss J. at poolside.

Miss J. is blathering on about how one of the most quintessential gifts a goddess can give to “mere mortals” is walking on clouds! Yes, they have a runway set up with theatre-smoke drifting over it to simulate clouds, and the girls will all have to walk down it. This should be fun, I’m waiting for someone to plunge off the end of it. Queen Sandra’s the first one to go, and she’s got the same fears, but sadly she makes it through with her tibias intact. Her strutting walk is decent, though.

Ahhh, but not doing so well is our ‘Hood Rat Angelea, whom Miss J. immediately clocks as having “very bad hand placement”. She’s stiff and herky-jerky and her hand is glued to her hip like she’s already auditioning for Outlet Mall Print Ads…

…c’mon Angelea, I know you can do the Ho-Strollâ„¢ better than that!…

Queenie is also being über-critical, saying ‘Hood Rat looks “abnormal”. She does, but bitchy commentary is my job here, so step off Queenie! Several others take their turn, and seem to please Miss J., cuz he’s snapping and head-weaving and saying “O-kay, o-kay, o-kay!” Keep it up, Miss J., my girly-fat-ass is feeling butcher all the time!

Hey, here’s another corpse-like bundle’o'bones lurching down the ephemeral runway, looks like rigor-mortis set in about a half hour ago, cuz this girl’s hand is also stuck to her hip. She’s an odd-looking redhead by the name of Monique (from Telluride, CO) and says she thinks she has most personality out of them all (which is a dead giveaway that she’s boring as hell) and says she’s very involved in politics, “I guess you could call me a ‘conspiracy theorist’!”…

…whereas I’m just going to call her UnderFed…

Well, what else could I say about someone when a third of their body-weight is hair? Some of these girls are doing a really bad job, Anime Eyes looks like she’s having to recite “left foot-right foot-left foot-right foot” in her head (or maybe even out loud, it kinda looked like her lips were moving).

On the other hand, Puerto Rican native Jessica seems to have her sexy walk down. She says being Puerto Rican gives her confidence and she wants to represent latinas to the fullest (and it’s funny, she does that thing where she only has an accent on the word “latinas” so it sounds more like “laTHEEnass”!). I find that cute, because the reverse is often true as well…

…”Deseo que podría comer una hamburguesa y patatas fritas en Burger King!”…

Anyhow, now that everybody has walked, Miss J. reminds them that only one of them is going to become the Goddess Of ANTM. That’s a sobering thought, cuz even if you win, the only Brady Kids left to snag are Barry Williams and Mike Lookinland, neither of whom is nearly as cute as Christopher Knight.

Oh well, it’s nighttime and the girls have met Silvender Fox and Miss J. down by the hotel pool where they are hanging out (pretty much just staring at each other) when suddenly that beefy line of Roman Soldiers is back and slowly marching their way down towards a platform set up over the middle of the pool. Since this is probably the only time there are going to be any men I find attractive on this show, I’m sticking in a screen-shot for you ladies (and all us gays) strictly for our viewing pleasure…

…well, the face may not be all that, but I sure do love your thighs Mr. Seximus Maximus!…

And thus we are treated to the Grand Entrance of Miss Tyra Herself! This sets off yet another round of shrieking and screaming from the junior goddesses, and Fo Ho is crying again at the mere sight of the Exalted & Revered One. When the hysteria dulls down to around 120 decibels or so, Ty-Ty steps forward and shouts “I AM…” and the Beefy Soldier next to her booms “The Goddess… OF FIERCE!” as she favors the Congregation with a pose…

…Ruler Of Nutjobsâ„¢…

More screams erupt! Tyra The Divine addresses them: “I have been the Goddess Of Fierce for 2752.7 years… and I am TIRED… so I am looking for my… successah! Where is she?” More caterwauling and jumping-up-and-down! “I am looking for someone to light my chariot on FI-yah! I am looking for… AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODELLLLLL!” Pandemonium! I’m not so sure some of these girls aren’t going to keel over right here, either from religulous ecstasy, or hunger (possibly both).

MeeMaw Celia’s just as transported with joy as the rest of the girls as she gushes, “Tyra! This woman is amazing, she’s an entity, she is a force, she’s extra-terrestrial! Oh my GAWWD!” and with that she doubles over screeching and does an orgasmic model-hair-flip…

…and I think might have also fractured a brittle hip-bone…

MeeMaw’s right, though, because really, where else is there for Tyra Banks to go now except to elevate herself to the level of Immortal Deity? Hell, even Oprah hasn’t taken things that far just yet (although truthfully, she seems pretty satisfied and content with her current position as Ruler Of Planet Earth). Ahh, but I’ll shut it, because GofF is speaking again!

“I need to see the fiercest goddess pose struck right NOW!” and just like kindergarteners having a serious game of Tyra Saysâ„¢ the models all hit these ridonk poses. Ahhhh, and it appears that Queenie’s flailing arms are getting in the way of ‘Hood Rat’s attempt at divine posturing…

…and here I thought she just hadda pee real bad…

Ruh-roh, this appears to be the germination of our first Catfight Of Cycle 12â„¢! ‘Hood Rat Angelea interviews that “Me’n'Sandra got into it, ‘cuz I guess she feel like she’s gonna tryna intimidate somebody, butchoo not intimidating me!” and with that ‘Hood shoves her way in front of Queen Sandra, who gets pissed, “Angelea comes over there close to me, jumping up and down and poking me with her long nails!”

Oblivious to all of this schoolyard pushy-pushy going on, Goddess Tyra says the next time she sees the girls she will be judging them (well, duh, what else is religion for if not to judge others?) “So, I’m going to see you… later!” and she makes the classic L-gesture…

…that is more commonly known as sign-language for “loozahs!”…

…which most of them will be before this hour is up. Speaking of which, ‘Hood Rat (and her Skank-Length Lee Press-Ons) is giving herself a pep-talk saying “Nonea dese girls have nothin’ on me, dey cain’t hold a candle to me, an’ I don’t think anyea dese girls here are competition… at all!” Well, I’m all for having a little self-esteem and confidence, but Angelea’s pretty much completely delusional, girlfriend is not cute. Striking? Yes. In a whopped-in-the-face-with-a-frying-pan kinda way. But classic beauty? Nope. And it’s only going to get uglier for her as the night progresses.

It’s time for each of the girls to meet The Goddess Of Fierce face-to-face! First up (of course) is Queen Sandra, who sashays her way into the room, earning herself a compliment when Tyra tells her she looks like she just stepped off a runway in London, “You look like a British fashion model!” Or maybe she’s saying Queenie has bad teeth? Anyhow, like any mere mortal, Tyra’s compliment causes Queenie to burst into ugly braying sobs…

…or maybe she took it as a dental insult, too…

No, she’s just yowling that this is something that she’s always wanted, and mumbles something about Kenya. In her interview Queenie says she came to the U.S. when she was 12 and “may not have had many friends” because she was “different” and “tall” and “dark”. I can imagine that must have been hard for her, but I have to wonder, if she was anything then like she is now, perhaps her lack of friends might have been due to “bitchiness”.

Anyhow, Tyra wants to know what Sandra loves most about herself physically, and Queenie sobs that she loves being really dark-skinned. Ty-Ty concurs, “You got here because you’re chocolate and beautiful!” Queenie says most dark-skinned girls don’t feel beautiful, but she doesn’t see anything wrong with it, “It’s just a complexion.” Kudos to that, I’m all for people being proud of whatever skin they’re in.

Next she comes strutting out in a bikini which causes Miss J. to exclaim “Ooh, her body is sick! I was really hatin’ her because she has my old waistline!” Tyra, in a rare moment of self-deprecation says “Mine, too!” Yay for fatties! We rock! Sorta. Moving on, in comes London from Arlington, TX, and Tyra reads off her bio-sheet that Miss London is a “street preacher” and asks for a sermon right then and there. London obliges and starts out with a ludicrous crowd-clearing opener, “Hey guys! Any of you know who Jesus Christ is? Do you know that He died for you so that you may have eternal life? Do you know where you’re going, you know, after you die?”…

…Hey London! Do you know what shampoo and conditioner is?…

Yeah, I’m sure nobody’s heard of this Jesus Christ person here in America. Miss J. is making diarrhea-faces and pretending to hold up his notebook like it’s a Bible, which kinda pisses Miss Jesus-Freak off. Yeah, that’s typical, cuz most street-preachers seem to have little to no sense of humor about themselves and hate being made fun of. London calls herself a “Model with a Mission” and says she wants to spread His Name in the modelling industry because “honestly, there’s not a whole lot of it!” She should wait by the phone for when the Vatican realizes they are in desperate need of a bikini model with a stringy headband and dirty hair.

Next up is Miss Jessica from Puerrrrrto Rrrrrrico. Her bio-sheet tidbit says she’s never been called ugly a day in her life. Awwww, how humble of her! Leave it to Miss J. to jump in with “You were probably never called ugly to yo’ face!” Jessica La Flaca gets this look like that thought has never occurred to her…

…”You mean people talk about you behind your back?!??…

Yes, Jessica, and especially on the interwebs. Anyhow, La Flaca defends her overblown ego saying that you have to have confidence in both this competition and the modelling industry or you might as well just go home, cuz they’ll break you down.

Well, our next girl is gonna need all the confidence that she can get, cuz this is the one that’s been creating a lot the buzz about this cycle. And she’s from my hometown of Phoenix! It’s time to meet Miss Tahlia, y’all. Tyra reads off the bio-sheet that she sacrificed college to pursue modelling, which prompts Silvender Fox Jay to ask why she’d choose modelling when she only has a year of school left. Tahlia says modelling is about putting herself out in the world and that she has a story to share with everyone…

…which is that she is a burn-survivor who has sustained severe scarring on much of her belly, thighs and back, and undergone 14 surgeries to try and minimize the damage. Damn! She is a very pretty girl, what a shame that she’s had to deal with so much suffering at such a young age. Sensitive as ever, Tyra (of course) wants the gory details as to how Tahlia got burned. It happened when she was only 8 months old, she got ahold of the cord on a coffee-pot and accidentally pulled it down on herself while it was full of scalding-hot liquid. She says she doesn’t remember it happening but still has nightmares sometimes. Tyra says she’s proud to see her standing there fully exposed in a swimsuit and looking absolutely beautiful.

Well, enough seriousness for now, let’s check in with the rest of the cannon fodder models back in the hotel suite, mkay? UnderFed Monique is trying to show off her political smarts by asking the other girls if they know who “The Elites” are. Surprisingly, she’s getting a bunch of blank looks as she expounds that these mysterious “Elites” are the 300 richest families…

…what this has to do with modelling I don’t know…

She’s also babbling that the Rockefellers are worth $101 trillion dollars! Now the other girls are looking at her like she’s batshit. Which she fully is, as she continues by saying she’ll never bring a kid into the world because it’s “going to hell”. Yeah, thanks to conspiracy theorists and wackjobs like you, Monique! Go get a Big Mac and shut your yap.

Now she’s standing in front of J./Tyra/Jay and explaining to them how the U.S. government is one of the most corrupt, and spouting off about the attack on Pearl Harbor being set up by FDR so we could go to war with Japan. Miss J.’s eyes are glazing over. I’m rolling mine. After letting UnderFed rant for a few more minutes Tyra stops her and asks about the present she got for her birthday. UnderFed grins real big and says “Oh, I got a gun!” Tyra looks frightened. Silvender Fox Jay tries to move things back to modelling and says he wants to see Monique pose. She happily obliges…

…I don’t think of this as “posing” so much as it appears to be “muscle weakness”…

Seriously, the girl looks ready to topple over on her feet. That’s probably the government’s fault, too. UnderFed staggers off and here comes Natalie (from Palos Verdes, CA) whose bio-sheet says she’s never had to work a day in her life… by choice! Apparently Miss Natalie must be a member of “The Elites” or something. Don’t get too proud, Miss Rich-Bitch, I’m guessing Tyra’s personal wealth dwarfs your family’s paltry millions. She admits she’s grown up spoiled and is really confident in her chances. I’m wondering if her boobs are for real, because they’re really bouncy and luscious…

…this one’s for any straight boys (and lesbianas) who might be reading (all six of you)…

I bet that’s what Katelynn from The Real World wishes she looked like. Now, It’s AmINuts’ turn to chanté (you stay!) into the Inner Sanctum. When Tyra Fierce asks her how she’s feeling about the experience so far, she says she’s crazy, her heart is pumping and you can see it through her throat because she’s so excited. That creeps me out a little. Most times when you can see someone’s pulse in their throat you expect them to pull out a gun. I hope she didn’t get one for her birthday, too.

Mr. Jay wants to know how tall AmINuts is. Turns out she’s 6’1″, has on four-inch heels and her ‘fro gives her an extra three inches or so. So she’s Glamazon Huntress Height at 6’8″! With a half-inch gap between her two front teeth…

…I’m not hating, I have a quarter-inch gap myself…

Back in the hotel suite, Kathryn (who has literally zero modeling experience) is complaining about her feet hurting from standing around so long in the costume-y heels. ‘Hood Rat immediately jumps all over her, saying “My feet was hurting too, but you got to suck that up!” Privately, AmINuts thinks there’s no way Kathryn’s going to make it through to the Top 13 because her walk was such an awkward mess and “painful to watch”. At least she has the manners to talk shit about Kathryn behind her back, whereas a bunch of the other girls are ganging up on her, criticizing and then dropping that old bullshit standby “Don’t take it personal!”

First of all, it’s “Don’t take it personalLY!” At least get the goddamned grammar right when you’re tossing out passive-aggressive barbs, people! Secondly, when you criticize someone’s body or face or walk or personality, it’s fucking personal, own up to it. Now Kathryn’s lip is trembling and she’s starting to cry, saying she has anxiety issues and has been having panic attacks all day because it’s all just been really rough on her. I’m thinking perhaps she might want to try a slightly less stressful occupation, such as being an air traffic controller…

…seriously, if you can’t handle walking through some fake-mist and having a picture of the side of your head taken, you best get the hell on up outta modelling!…

Seems like MeeMaw Celia and AmINuts agree with me, if these wallflowers can’t take what’s been thrown at them so far then they’ll never make it any further. I fear Kathryn’s going to wind up back at the Tastee-Freez crying over the stress of having to make chocolate-dipped cones.

It’s about to get even worse, because now Kathryn’s facing Tyra, who asks what it is she has in her hand that she brought all the way from… OMG, is this for real?… Farmland, Indiana. “It’s my pen collection!” she chirps, “Can I show you guys?” Tyra’s all WTF? as Kathryn proudly shows off her hot-dog pen, her pizza-slice pen, her pickle pen, her cactus pen and the crowning jewel… her Space Shuttle pen. Tyra asks to see them up close, and Kathryn stupidly hands them to her not realizing she’s in for the Wrath Of The Goddess Of Fierce…

…”Where’s the vibra-dildo pen?”…

Pointing out that she’s got these five stupid-ass pens in her hand, Tyra asks Pen Collector to name five Top Models working now. After hemming and hawing and trying to think of the name of a model, Kathryn timidly offers “Elle MacPherson?” Ty-Ty instantly nukes her with “She’s not working now today as a model! Next?” (the ever-accurate Wikipedia says Tyra’s a lyah since Elle signed a 3-year deal last March to appear in print ads for Revlon, which sounds like a working model to me) If that had been me, I would have listed off five winners of ANTM just to watch Tyra squirm and admit that they’re neither “top”, nor are they “working” (outside of their ANTM prize packages).

Kathryn apologizes and tries again with “Agyness Deyn?” which nets her an “Okay. Good.” and then poor Pen Collector can’t think of any more. Tyra puts her ass on blast, “If you want to be a model… this (*holds up stupid plastic pens*) is not gonna get somebody to book you for a job.” and tells her she needs to have passion and knowledge about modelling if she plans to actually work as a model. Pen Collector whines that she comes from a really small town, so she’s not anywhere close to where there is– “A magazine?” asks Tyra in a deadly tone. “There’s no internet in Indiana?” Kathryn looks like she’s gonna cry again. Ty-Ty tells her to go put on her swimsuit and when she comes back she needs to tell them the names of three designers…

…”That’s easy! Bic, Pentel and Sharpie!”…

Privately, Kathryn admits that Tyra saw right through her gimmick and knows she screwed up. When she comes back she rattles off a bunch of designers and says she realizes this is a serious competition. Her ego soothed, Tyra nods and smiles. I’m betting Kathryn’s still gonna get a bus ticket back to Farmland (now forever known as “America’s Fashion Media Dead Zone”).

Next up is a pasty blonde chick we’ve never met before, Alex from Tampa, FL, who says she’s lived in the ‘hood a good portion of her life, but insists that her mom busted her ass to move her into a “nicer environment”. Tyra’s brow is furrowed as she recalls Alex’s audition tape was chock full of ghetto slang, which they helpfully cut to. Alex looks hard and she’s all “I am quick to snap on a bitch, if you disrespect me, you step to me, I’ma fuckin’ cuss you out, bottom line!”…

…Classy. …

Who teaches these girls that swearing in your audition tape is a good first impression? Alex’s face-to-face isn’t faring much better as she’s continuing to strive for America’s Blackest Little White Girl by telling Tyra and Jay/J. “You definilly godda watch yo’ back at all times, you know what I’m sayin’, you godda learn howda peep out people’s personaliddies. You godda learn howda read people very well, you know what I’m sayin’, cuz a lodda people definilly come atchoo!” Tyra snorts and says “You gotta peep!”

Strangely, in her private interview, Alex doesn’t sound nearly so ghetto-ized. She does sound pretty bitter, though, as she’s saying no one has ever handed her anything in her life, she’s had to bust her ass, by herself, for everything she’s ever accomplished…

…I’m betting she’s busted a tonsil or two along the way…

Hey, Alex? Doing stuff on your own, all by yourself to achieve your goals is kinda the point. It’s called “adulthood”. If she makes it through, I hope they make her bunk-mates with Rich-Bitch Natalie. Or ‘Hood Rat Angelea, they can try to out-ghetto each other.

The next contestant is the polar opposite of Alex (no, it’s not a Black girl who thinks she’s White)… instead, it’s the fresh-faced and smiling Isabella (from Barboursville, VA) who, as it turns out, has epilepsy. Jeez, this season is just full of recapper-proof girls! Anyhow, Isabella is saying she deals with having this condition by taking her twice-daily meds and it is not holding her back in any way in her life…

…why, oh why couldn’t she have something fun like Tourette’s?…

Next up is a pretty black girl named Nijah (from Rancho Cucamonga, CA) whose big claim to fame is that she was Prom Queen. Tyra then relates the heartbreaking (zzzzzz) story of how she lost the competition for Prom Queen at her high school…

…Flipit, you think that damned fauxhawk is bad, remember the Mid-90′s Penis-Cutâ„¢?…

Getting back to Nijah, she’s interviewing that she’s a fair competitor, she doesn’t believe she needs to do shady things like trip people. She’s obviously never seen Showgirls. Ever since that movie came out, I carry hair-jewels around in my back pocket just in case I wind up dancing on stage with someone I don’t like. If you’re wondering why I keep wandering off-topic when Nijah’s on the screen, well, she’s real pretty, but boring. I’ll screencap her later on. If she does anything interesting.

It’s time for Fo Ho to meet her Goddess! She’s not crying now (thank gawd!) and Ty-Ty notices her cute freckles, which will be immediately spackled over by makeup unless it’s an ad for Wendy’s, OshKosh B’Gosh or Country Time Lemonade. Tyra reads that Fo is of mixed-race heritage and wants to know what it is she calls herself. “A Blaxican!” says Fo Ho. Tyra pretends not to know that that means Black plus Mexican. Heyyy, I thought the inclusive term was “Blatina”?!? Too bad that kind of thing doesn’t work in other situations, because my niece would be either “Whack” or “Blight”. My head hurts…

…and I dunno about you, ‘Gasmii, but she looks straight-up Asian to me…

Anyhow Fo’s saying she didn’t know she was black until she met her father at age 9, and says she just loves her freckles although her brother used to tell her that she had them because someone got a screen and threw dog poop at her face. That sounds about like the kind of little brother I was (and I got beat down a lot for it, too, but it was worth it to see my older brother’s face when I lied and told him he was adopted).

Suddenly it’s nighttime, and the girls are dressed in their Go-DESS costumes again and sitting down pretending to eat a meal. Without warning, ‘Hood Rat is talking about having had a daughter who died in her arms of some kind of seizure. That’s very sad. What’s strange is that although she’s sobbing hysterically and sniffling a lot, there are no tears coming out of her eyes…

…I think Portlie’s wondering the same thing…

I’m afraid she’s going to blind herself with those impractically long nails. Also strange is the fact that a few seconds after that she’s completely fine (at least in her interview segment). Could be wonky editing, but something about this disclosure just feels hollow. Maybe I’m just so inured to people trotting out their dead loved ones on Reality TV (*cough*DannyGokey*cough*) in order to gain sympathy from the public that I’m automatically mistrustful. ‘Hood Rat sounds much more genuinely upset when she says she just doesn’t want to go back to Buffalo.

So Angelea comes skanking her way into the Sanctum to meet Tyra & Co, and right away Miss J. clocks her Ninja-Nailsâ„¢ while Ty-Ty calls her out on wearing a fake ponytail and tells her to take it (and her huge earrings) off so they can see what she really looks like. She tosses her hair-fall to Miss J., who looks offended and/or puzzled by it…

She actually looks a lot better without all that extra crap. Now she has a chance to give more sob story to Tyra as her bio-sheet mentions that she went to her ANTM callback and had nowhere to stay. “Where did you sleep?” asks Tyra. Affecting (what she hopes is) the proper “woe-is-me-I’m-so-poor-I-can’t-afford-to-pay-attention” expression, ‘Hood Rat says “I slep’ in the Port Authority, right?” Tyra’s incredulous, while Silvender Fox Jay calls it the “armpit of New York City”. Now that she is receiving their undivided attention, Angelea’s looking all proud of her accomplishment, and says she took her “bony ass” and her entire cash balance of $40 and slept in a bathroom stall for two days.

Then she finally notices they are not looking at her with loving admiration, but more like she’s clinically insane, and she gets serious in a hurry, saying she had to hustle to make her dream come true. Tyra admonishes her that she’s all for the girls pursuing their dreams, but not at the risk to their own safety. I dunno, from the way she makes Buffalo sound, perhaps the Port Authority bathrooms are a step up? Anybody know for sure? OMG, and then she comes out in her bikini with her stilty Ho Stroll walk and strikes the most ridiculous pose evah…

…yes, I have an Excedrin-Strength Headacheâ„¢ now, too…

There’s a quick segment with MeeMaw Celia talking about how she had to leave Kentucky in order to be surrounded by fashion, and then Portlie gets a chance to tell Tyra that she loves being a plus-size model because “You know, your body is a temple, and sometimes my temple wants cheesecake!” LOL, Portlie, I feel you there. My temple just had a pint of cookie-dough ice cream, two rolls of Ritz Crackers (plus a can of Easy Cheese), a big bottle of Hawaiian Punch, and some Pez. Oh, and it turns out that Portlie also used to date Dale Earnhardt, Jr…

I actually kind of like her, she’s got a no-nonsense way about her and is frank about being larger than the other girls. On the other hand, they’re all going to hate her because she eats what she wants. And has boobs.

Back over in the hotel suite, Anime-Eyes Allison is continuing to freak people out…

…I’m glad to know it’s not just me…

The other girls appear to be teasing her a bit and she gets defensive, “No, I’m not staring at your soul!” I wouldn’t be too sure about that considering what we’re about to learn about her. Tyra comments on her large eyes (natch!) and Anime says she often gets compared to a “scary doll” (Miss J. pipes up with “Bride Of Chucky!”, LOL). Her bio-sheet has a rather cryptic note on it as Ty-Ty reads “There’s one thing that you say is beautiful, and it’s unfair that you’ve never had one. What is that?”

“Nosebleeds.” says Anime with a large grin. Tyra wants to know what that means. Smiling ever more crazily, Allison explains “I have a really big fascination with blood, and so, I just think it looks really… pretty!” Tyra says “I used to get nosebleeds all the time back when I did a lot of cocaine when I was a child!” Anime’s response? “Jealous!” *shudder* Privately Anime-Eyes says she’s really interested in hemophilia. Tyra says she finds her “interesting”…

…if you’re a big fan of Hematolagnia, here’s your poster-girl…

Miss J. says he’s concerned about the safety of the other girls in the house, thinking that Anime-Eyes might go around whopping people in the face to give them bloody noses just so she can watch them. OMG, I totally thought the same exact thing! I wonder if she’s an insatiable succubus when That Time Of Month comes rolling around? Okay, I just grossed myself out.

Last up to be seen (at least by us) is Country Girl Teyomboy, and pretty much all they have to say about her is that her face looks like it’s stuck in a wind-tunnel. Tyra qualifies this by saying “Wind tunnel in a good way!”…

…oh-kayyyyy…

It’s the next day (or week, whichever) and the girls are heading down to meet Silvender Fox Jay and Miss J. to find out who has made it past the first round of cuts. They’re going to be weeded down to 21 models, so thirteen unlucky girls are going home today. They each have a box with their names on it, and if they find a golden wreath inside, it means they are moving on.

Jay shouts “Go!” and the girls rush over to their boxes while shrieking some more! Receiving wreaths are Queenie Sandra, Jesus-Freak London, Fo Ho (who starts crying, natch), La Flaca Jessica, Portlie Kortnie, my Homegirl Tahlia, Anime-Eyes Allison, Teyomboy, Pen Collector Kathryn, Boring Prom Queen Nijah, MeeMaw Celia, Rich Bitch Natalie, Perky Isabella, AmINuts, and not-so-surprisingly, ‘Hood Rat, who, oblivious to all the tears of those being cut around her is getting all third-person on us while cockily predicting “Angelea’s gonna be in dat house! I’m telling you! Dass 14 bitches out the way, you knowhaa I’m sayin’? 14 bitches dat ain’t me! Peace, bye!”…

…Portrait Of A Graceless Winner…

Apparently she can’t subtract very well, either, since 34 bitches minus 13 bitches leaves 21 bitches. *sigh* Oh ‘Hood Rat, you’re not doing much to dispel those tenacious cultural stereotypes.

Among those who got cut are UnderFed Monique (the self-professed “conspiracy theorist”) who naturally insists she had more “personality” than anyone else there, and likely believes it was a conspiracy that got her ousted (rather than her inane ramblings about “The Elites”). She says she’ll be back next year. Also cut is Pasty-White-Sistah-Wannabee Alex, who’s whining about having withdrawn from school in order to do this. Wah wah wah. Community college will still be there next semester.

Suddenly it’s night again and it’s time for the next photo shoot with Jay! Each of the remaining 21 models have been assigned different goddesses whose defining attributes they will have to convey. There are no stylists on this shoot, so the girls all screech and rush the waiting makeup and hair tables, pushing and shoving ensues and it’s getting tense.

First up is Jesus-Freak London, who has been given “Goddess Of Justice” and she’s making weird arm-poses like she’s a scale. Next is Fo Ho, who got “Goddess Of Madness”…

…I’m getting more of a “Goddess of Dental Hygiene” feeling…

AmINuts gets “Goddess Of Strength” and she just stands there like Wonder Woman. Tahlia is “Goddess Of Prosperity” and has her hand out like she’s spare-changing at a freeway exit. Anime-Eyes does “Goddess Of Honor” as a soul-sucking-vampiress. Queenie Sandra (of course) has landed “Goddess of Success” and she couldn’t be happier, although her pose winds up with her hands blocking her face from the camera. Smart move yer highness! ‘Hood Rat is gloating in the background as Jay points out her mistake.

Perky Isabella is portraying “Goddess Of Modesty” by literally vogueing. Seriously, her pose is so 1990. Prom Queen Nijah has “Goddess Of Friendliness” and she probably looks exactly the same in her Prom picture. Pen Collector Kathryn is attempting “Goddess Of Victory” and she just looks like a pitchfork…

…or maybe that’s her Cactus Pen pose!…

Suddenly there’s drama between Queenie and ‘Hood Rat! “Who are you rolling your eyes at?” demands Her Highness Sandra. “Do you have an eye problem?” Oooooh, it’s on now! “Why you smilin’?” retorts Angelea. “Because I can!” answers Queenie. Okay, that was a stupid exchange.

Now Sandra’s going for the socioeconomic insults, “Looong nails? You don’t have any class whatsoever!” Sadly, ‘Hood Rat’s proving her right as she yells back “Bitch, I got class! You ain’t got class!” Then they start doing that weird thing where they put their hands over the front of each other’s faces, which is apparently an escalation in streetfighting.

The next step is podiatric insults. “Look at them long ugly toes!” screeches Queenie. “Bitch, you got ugly ass corns!” volleys ‘Hood Rat. Then they scream at each other some more and do more of the hand-in-face thing. I don’t see what the big deal about that is. Unless one of them was ass-digging right before that and her hand smells like poo. This entire battle is going on right in front of the professional photographer of the shoot, who mostly looks bemused…

…as well as a little frightened…

Finally Mr. Jay gets involved and wants to know why they are fighting. “Dis bitch tryina try me!” shouts ‘Hood Rat. Jay rebukes her for not turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to whatever Queenie might have said to her and reminds her that they are there to complete, you know, a photo shoot? Angelea interviews (a little too late) “I godda learn, I godda pick an’ choose my battles, I mean, iss not professional to be doin’ dat in front of the photographer!” Duh.

How ironic that ‘Hood Rat has been assigned “Goddess Of Love”? She’s doing that awkward angular hand placement again and tilting her head back so far that Jay questions why she thinks “love” means looking straight up her nose…

…if your idea of “love” is “pissed-off hellcat smelling something bad”…

Queenie Sandra giggles openly from the sidelines. Eventually Jay is able to coax her into a more serene pose, but not before he observes, “Maybe that fight took you down a little?” Now I’m seeing actual tears from ‘Hood Rat as she swears in her interview that she didn’t let the fight get to her, but it’s pretty obvious that it did. “I’m not gonna let somebody just walk all over me! Sandra, she knows I’m competition, thass why she’s tryina pull my buttons!” Now I’m crying and burying my head in my hands (from all this painful belly-laughter, it’s shaking up the ice cream, crackers, cheese, punch and Pez). Please, oh please keep ‘Hood Rat around, Tyra!!

Photo shoot is over and strangely, while Jay is addressing the assembled models and discussing how this was a test to see how well they processed how to convey the attributes they were given, ‘Hoodie’s slumped on a couch way over on the sidelines away from the group. She’s crying again and interviews bitterly, “I don’ want, like, people to think that, you know, I’m just this ghetto-ass, ghetto-fied, you know, no-class bitch who don’t care!” You know what, Angelea? That little speech would be a whole lot more believable if you hadn’t spent the last 45 minutes convincing us that that’s exactly what you are…

…wah wah fuckin’ wah…

Well, it’s too late now, cuz the Goddess Of Fierce and Jay/J. are meeting to judge and discuss. I’ll just give the key buzzwords/phrases about each of the models:

AmINuts – “tallness” and “intelligence”
Anime-Eyes Allison – “not necessarily pretty, but odd”
‘Hood Rat Angelea – “no love” and “big ol’ girl fight”
Perky Isabella – “I just wanna buy ‘model-fierce’ cornflakes from her!”
MeeMaw Celia – “two cups of crazy in the eyes!”
Fo Ho – “beautiful face” and “I love the freckles!” and “pretty short“
Jessica La Flaca – “prettiest girl” and “skin so stunning”
Pen Collector Kathryn – “goddess of God-knows-what”
Portlie Kortnie – “beautiful” and “nice girl” and “bust is a little too large” (that came from Jay, natch!)
Teyomboy – “I see alien!”
Jesus-Freak London – “energy” and “street-preachuh!”
Boring Prom Queen Nijah – “cute” and “flawless skin”
Rich-Bitch Natalie – “something a bit mushed about her”
Queenie Sandra – “stunning” and “gorgeous bone above her eyebrow”
Homegirl Tahlia – “did not feel ashamed” and “stood there with pride”

Oh yeah, and there were six others that we apparently don’t care about, cuz they get no camera time. After all the models are reassembled, Ty-Ty explains that the show is returning to the fashion capital of our country, New York City! Aaaugh, more fuckin’ screams!! I’m praying they will all get laryngitis now.

The first girl called into the Top 13 of Cycle Twelve of America’s Next Top Model is… AmINuts! She is followed by Rich Bitch, Fo Ho, Anime-Eyes (who looks scarier and scarier every time she’s on camera… and Tyra must feel it, too, cuz she says “Don’t come punch me!” LOL, Ty-Ty!) Next to be called is Homegirl, MeeMaw, Prom Queen, and Jesus-Freak (who starts crying, and jumping up and down babbling “ThankyouJesus, thankyouJesus, thankyouJesus!”) followed by Teyomboy, Portlie, Perky and La Flaca. That’s twelve.

And the last name to be called…. is Queenie’s! Damn! Even worse, as Queenie starts her way down to join the others she inadvertently jostles ‘Hood Rat as she goes by…

Or maybe not. That looked pretty deliberate to me. I’d feel worse for ‘Hoodie if I hadn’t just seen her being all bitchy and happy at the last round of eliminations. Maybe she’s learned a valuable lesson in all of this.

Addressing the latest bunch of crushed dreamers, Tyra gives the same old speech she always does, blah blah you all got real far, blah blah if you’re serious you won’t stop here, blah blah you might as well start pigging out, blah blah time for fake tits and a new career in porn, ptooie!

As the tears start in earnest, ‘Hoodie’s insisting that Sandra doesn’t belong in that house, but even more depressing is the reality that awaits her, “I cain’t go back to Buffalo… I cain’t!” Jeez, is Buffalo that rough of a place? It’s not like she’s being packed off to be a sidewalk sex-worker in Malaysia! Meanwhile, the bitches who made it are all dancing and chanting “Top Mo-DEL!” with Tyra. OOHuh! OOHuh!

And there we have it! What did you think of this pre-episode? Who are your favorites so far? Is Queenie going to be the biggest bitch this cycle? Can Tahlia overcome her scars? I’ll be back in a day or two with the first actual episode recap. And I also want to give a shout-out to my predecessor Hoolia, I hope I can carry on and do as well as you did last cycle. Be back soon!

love, J-Mo