America’s Next Top Model: Keep It Cute, Or Put It On Mute

Hey there, hi there, ho there, fashion-fans! I’m so happy to be once again sitting here in the dark at my PC and watching impossibly thin and beautiful women bitch and cry at each other (most likely out of ravenous hunger) and knowing that in a few minutes I’ll be polishing off the better part of a Marie Callender’s Coconut Cream Pie (with extra ice cream). This is how I know there is a God…

…poor thing, she’s about to gnaw off her own finger…

…ohhhhh, and Snickers Bars are even better when they’re battered and deep fried. Damn, I shouldn’t have said that! Now I’m gonna have to eat the whole pie. At any rate, on tonight’s fascinating episode of America’s Next Top Model it’s time for the makeovers! This is always a fun part of each cycle, especially since you can bet that at least one of these girls is going to lose her shit when they cut off her hair! Care to bet on who it’s going to be? Anyone? Anyone? Fo Ho? We’ll see in a few! I’ll be right back, that pie is calling my name…Tonight’s episode starts off with an actual theme song, which mostly consists of Tyra sexily breathing “You wanna be on top?” Ha! Like she’s any kind of bottom. Even better still are the images of her wearing a headset in a control room trying to look all Oprah and HBIC…

…”And you best keep putting that vertical stretch in all my shots or I’ma smack the shit outta you!”…

It’s nighttime and all of the girls are returning to The House where they find Anime-Eyes’ challenge-winning ‘tard photograph posted on a JumboTron by the indoor runway (it’s “digital art”, remember?) with the quotes “Sweet”, “Absolutely Adorable” and (of course) “Wide-Eyed Innocence” surrounding it. They forgot to add “Drooling”, “Freakish” and “Sleep-Murdering Fear” as well, but we’ll just have to let that slide.

Anime herself says that it’s strange to see it there (not to mention disturbing for everyone else) as all the other girls lie to her and tell her how cute it looks. Well, everybody except for our li’l Fo Ho who looks jealous as fuck that she’s not the one who’s gracing the electronic bus-stop ad in their living room…

…”I wonder if I can go unplug that thing?”…

“I’m not complaining,” she complains, “I got called second, but, I have to admit that I loved my photo! For once in my life I feel like I do have potential.” Yes, Fo, you do. To annoy the shit out of us. Just you wait, ‘Gasmii, she’ll be going on an empathy-annihilating binge before too much longer.

Somebody else isn’t happy, either, and that somebody is our Glamazon AmINuts, who’s pissed off that Perky Isabella got sent packing, especially since she feels that Queenie was the one who should have been cut. “If she was the one sent home she wouldn’t have gotten a hug from not any one of us! It would’ve just been, like, ‘Bye, bitch!’”

For some reason Nutsy thinks this would be a good time to confront Queenie about it in the Spotlessly Unused Kitchen by asking her “Do you think you come off bitchy?” to which Queenie haughtily replies “I stand up for myself. You may think that it’s me being a bitch.” AmINuts cuts her off by lying, “No! I just feel like every single person in this house was sad that she [meaning Isabella] went home. The better person went home today.”…

…and welcome to the CW’s brand new spin-off series…

The rest of the girls are silently watching the exchange, and understandably, Queenie’s not really very happy to hear this, “If you feel like she went, and she was better than me, it’s whatever. That’s the choice they made!” She’s got a point there, it wasn’t like she engineered it so that Isabella sucked so hard at the first photo shoot, nor does she control the whims of the Goddess Tyra.

Honestly, I’m kinda pissed at AmINuts for being so nasty and coming at her like this, because while she (and the rest of the girls) may have felt that Isabella was a better person, there’s really no reason to be actually saying that to Queenie, other than to be pointlessly hurtful and mean. Did they think she was going to burst into tears and say “Oh yes, you’re totally right, call her back, I’ll pack up and leave right now!”??!? Now I’m really pissed because Nutsy’s making me defend Queenie!

Queenie claims she doesn’t care what they think, but it must have gotten to her a little, because she’s not above tossing out an under-the-breath insult as she stomps upstairs…

…and really, that word could work in this picture as either a caption or an adjective for Queenie herself…

Meanwhile, Jessica La Flaca’s telling us she didn’t agree with the judges critiques of her last photo shoot. In her interview she’s suddenly holding a giant ben-wa ball in her hands and rubbing it saying “I’m gonna predict my future in this competition… hmmmmm, what am I seeing? *gasp* I’m gonna kick some ass in the next photo shoot!”…

…whereas I’m seeing she should have washed that thing after the last time she used it…

Ewie. Well, suddenly they discover there’s a Tyra-Mail! Fo Ho gets to read it: “Whether you’re on the streets or the sidewalk, you’ll be turning heads!” Puzzled looks abound and someone shouts “We don’t get it!” Color me shocked.

The next morning everybody’s ready to leave, and when they step outside the house they are confronted with the sight of a giant streeeeeetch limo. Only this isn’t just any stretch limo…

…it’s the Barbie Dream Stretch-Limoâ„¢ (taste sold separately)…

…or I guess that could be the pattern on the Tartan of Gay Scotsmen. Either way it’s hideous. No wonder the Tyra-Mail said they’d be turning heads, cuz people are going to puke.

Oh well, the girls are happy with it and think it’s “girly” instead of “vomit-inducing” and after they all clamber in (the interior is decorated with more fabulous pictures of Tyra, natch!) it takes off into The City, whisking them away… Meanwhile, across town at the John Barrett Salon in Bergdorf Goodman’s, Miss J. and Gay-Jay receive a pretend video-call from Tyra (while a silly Mission: Impossible-ripoff theme plays on the soundtrack)…

…who knew you could jump the shark on a 3G network?…

“Good morning Miss. J… Mister Jay… here’s your mission… if you choose to accept it! In your hands are 12 dossiers of 12 busted-up models. I need you to transform these wannabees into high-fashion top fierce femme-fatalian models! And yes, I know this mission is going to be difficult… there will be tears, there will be begging, there will be ‘Oh no! Not my hair!’…[flashbacks of previous cycles' histrionics are played]… but I don’t care! Cut it, slice it, dice it! Good luck.”

Struggling not to burst out giggling, Gay-Jay responds “Copy that, T!” Wow, that whole segment was… completely lame. Ah, the Top 12 have arrived at MeeMaw’s old workplace! Gay-Jay welcomes them to “a bit of the high-life on Fifth Avenue” and Miss J. let’s them know that they’re going to have their makeovers now! The girls react with their usual elegant restraint…

…and pee all over everything…

And truth be told, the girls do look pretty busted up this morning, so it’s just in the nick of time that the J./Jays introduce John Barrett himself, who according to Miss J. is one of the most “reeeee-spected” hairstylists in all of New York City, with his work having been featured in Vogue, Elle, Vanity Fair and Juggs magazines. Okay, I’m kidding about the last one. It was actually Busty Backdoor Sluts.

Anyhow, Gay-Jay’s telling them that they have the instructions on what their new looks will be contained in their dossiers… and I’m betting that if we all had X-ray vision and could see inside these mysterious dossiers they’d all have the same single simple instruction…

…Ok?…

As it turns out, the girls themselves won’t even get to know what their new look is going to be until after it’s completed! Aaaaaaugh! More screams! And with that they’re off!

AmINuts knows she needs to “work it out” this week, and she’s really happy about having the makeover done because she says her afro was “super-thirsty”! I guess she must have run out of “Soul Glo”.

Ty-Ty comes back onscreen as her Model:Impossible character to give us La Flaca’s Top Secret Plan: “She’s the prettiest girl in her high school, but she needs to be ‘edged out’ to be a true Top Model, so we’re going to chop it shorter, add a little wave… and a little red!.”…

…now she’s the sleepiest girl in her high school…

La Flaca says she wasn’t nervous at all because “obviously” her self-confidence is “always high” so she’s definitely excited to get her new look. Methinks she’s of the opinion that the stylists really can’t fuck up “already perfect”. I wish they had tried.

Queenie’s being worked on, they’re getting rid of her Bobby Brown Gumby Fade and shortening it up. Ty-Ty appears to tell us: “Sandra? Beautiful bright smile deserves beautiful bright hair! So I’m cutting off that mohawk thing and making the hair that remains… buh-londe!“…

…zzzzzzzz…

Of course, Queenie’s over the moon! “At first I was like ‘Wow!’ I didn’t really notice that I looked this good! The other girls need to, you know, step up their game!” Yeah, well you know who else rocks the short blonde hair just as well?…

…Borat and SexyDrownWatchâ„¢ star Luenell…

And personally, I think she does it better, and is far more interesting than Queenie. Enough of her, it’s time to see what’s in store for Anime-Eyes! Tell us Tyra! “Allison! Those eyes, those eyes, those eyes! They’re so big! And they deserve to have Big. Blonde. Long. Luscious. Hair!”…

…she’s still staring at your souuuuul!…

Holy crap, they turned her into nothing more than a paler version of the Former Lead Skank Of Danity Kaneâ„¢ Orangebrey O’Day! If you don’t believe me…

…only Orangebrey can’t see souls, because she doesn’t have one…

Anime-Eyes says she’s always wanted long hair and thinks it’s fantastic and loves it. Then again, she also loves blood, so take that as you will. Moving on, one of the stylists (Christian Marc) is asking Prom Queen Nijah how long it’s been since she washed her hair, and she says two weeks! Blech. “They have to change the sink now!” he clucks disapprovingly.

TyPossible tells us, “Nijah’s hair is nice. But that’s all it is… nice. So we’re gonna exaggerate that weave!”…

…they should exaggerate the need for shampooing more often…

She really doesn’t look all that different to me (or maybe my lay-gay’s eyes just can’t discern how “exaggerated” her weave is now). Snore. Well, it’s time for someone to get hysterical over their mega-chop, and that job falls to Fo Ho, whose hair has been colored and she whines “I just want extensions, that’s all I prayed for!” Ah ah ah, not so fast, Fo Ho! Ty-Ty has other ideas: “When I look at Fo I see cuteness. Cute freckles, cute face. But cute doesn’t cut it in TopModelWorldâ„¢. So I’m cutting alll of that cute hair off!”…

…and now she’s Mia Fo Ho!…

Upon seeing her new ‘do for the first time in the mirror, Fo bursts into sobs. “I definitely was not expecting it at all. I’m the type of person that I just need time to feel used to it in my own skin.” And to start whining about it, too, but we’ll come back to that later.

It’s MeeMaw’s turn in the chair, and the stylist is telling her “We should have some dramatic music!” Like Mia Fo Ho’s strangled sobs in the background aren’t enough? Miss T’s all “Celia. The bouncing blonde. Such beautiful haiuh! [that's exactly how she said it, don't ask me why] But it gets in the way of those gorgeous cheekbones! So I’m cutting it… off!”

John Barrett himself is working on her and telling her that every girl out there has long stringy hair these days. Gay-Jay agrees, “Her hair was long and about as dryyyy as Ghandi’s sandals!” LOL, I love me a nice pair of camo-strap Galileean Wedgiesâ„¢, too, Jay! Rich-Bitch Natalie’s watching as MeeMaw starts blubbing and hopes that’s not going to be her fate, but she’s afraid it will be. However, the results are rather startling in MeeMaw’s case…

…and at least they covered her grays…

Once she’s had a little time to process the change, though, MeeMaw’s actually okay with it, “Oddly enough, I feel liberated and I think that’ll translate better in the photo shoot!” Dammit, MeeMaw! You were supposed to scream and cry and throw things! You’re giving me nothing here! Nothing!

It looks like major changes are on the way for AmINuts, too, because apparently her afro is all one giant weave! Shame on me for not catching that, I thought she grew that thing out herself! No wonder she was so calm about them making sweeping changes to her hair. Tyra explains: “Aminat’s weave afro is absolutely beautiful… but limiting. So we’re gonna take those weave tracks out that are the ‘fro… ‘cuz they hafta go! We’re gonna add some Naomi Campbell waves!”

Oh, but before they can, I’m watching as they’ve snipped off a giant mass of hair. It’s too much for Miss J., and he grabs ahold of it, slings it around his shoulders like some kind of fur stole and starts modelling it all up and down the salon! AmINuts is not pleased, “Oh no he did not try to rock my weave! Questionable, Miss J., questionable behavior! I didn’t do nothin’ to that man!”…

…neither did I, but he did this to us anyhow!…

However, Nutsy’s quickly pacified when she sees the end results, “I love my new hair! It’s definitely different from the ‘fro!”…

…and now she kinda does look like Tyra’s nemesis Naomi…

It’s Portlie’s turn in the chair, and Ty-Ty seems to be at a loss: “Kortnie. Gosh, she’s tan… and there’s not much I can do about that, but what I can do is change the color of her hair. She will be… code red!” I love how she makes this sound like such an accomplishment. It’s not like I can’t go to the store and get myself a box of Féria anytime I want…

…although I never wind up looking like Liv Tyler afterwards…

At least they didn’t make her look like Steven Tyler! *shudder* Portlie’s totally pleased with the new look, so no tears here. And my oh my, it looks like they were able to wrest Jesus-Freak London out of the chapel long enough to set her holy ass in a chair and do some work on her. Goddess Tyra explains, “J’adore London’s bone structure! Bone structure like that needs shorter hair… that’s blonde!”…

…I’m just glad they covered her wonky left eyebrow…

When Jesus-Freak gets a good look at her new hair she shouts out “Oh my GOD!” Tsk, tsk, tsk, London… you just took the Lord’s name in vain! Say ten Hail Marys while doing the Macarena and all will be forgiven. She actually seems fine with it, saying “It’s a drastic change, but I do believe that change is good!”

Rich-Bitch Natalie is finally seated. John Barrett gets ready to start cutting… but wait! Rich-Bitch is jerking her head away from him and shouting “No! Wait, wait, wait, wait!” Gay-Jay is incredulous, “You’re saying ‘wait’ to not only John, you’re saying ‘wait’ to Tyra!” *gasp* Saints preserve us! No one shall ever say “wait” to the Almighty TYRA!!! With an icy look towards John, Miss J. says “Cut her hair!” Ahh, but Rich-Bitch pulls away again, which pisses off the old queen so much that he gets in a tizzyhuff, spitting “I can’t do this.” and minces off!

…I’m sure he gets this exact same look whenever some young stud at the bathhouse turns him down with “I don’t care if you’re rich, I’m not into geezers, so hands off gramps!”…

And with that we go to commercial! Oooh, I wonder if Rich-Bitch is going to give in to the Desyras of Tyra! And we’re back, but this time when John says he can’t do it, Gay-Jay stops him and says “Just a second, John.” Looking benevolently down at Rich-Bitch, Jay says, “At the end of the day… nothing’s happening to your hair!” and the J./Jay’s fake-laugh along with John-John as Ty-Ty comes on screen-screen to say-say, “Natalie. She looks fine like she is!” Jay’s telling Rich-Bitch that when they first saw her in casting they all immediately said “Model, head to toe, we don’t need to do anything! The real lesson here is you gotta trust the people you work with. We’re not making decisions for shock-value!”

Oh. Puh. Leeze. This whole thing was so scripted it wasn’t even close to looking real. You know what gave it away? A.) Rich-Bitch is a terrible actress and 2.) So are the rest of them (especially John Barrett) and Third.) Do any of you think for one second that if Tyra had really wanted Natalie’s hair cut that it wouldn’t be lying in a landfill right now? Along with her decaying corpse if she had refused? Stupid…

…and what is it with these girls and their wonky left eyebrows?…

Hearing the news that Rich-Bitch was spared any follicular distress, Mia Fo Ho is a little pissed, “I at least thought she’d get, like, a dye job, or, like, a little trim, but they didn’t even do that, so… she’s perfect, I guess!” Rich-Bitch agrees, “I’m so flattered because I don’t think Tyra has ever just left somebody’s hair alone!” All you ANTM experts out there will have to let me know if this statement is true or not.

Well, Ty-Ty’s certainly not leaving Teyomboy alone: “Oh Teyona, that face that’s so strong? It looks like it’s in a wind tunnel! [could she stop saying that already?] So I’m gonna have Teyona’s hair… slicked back… and juicy… like a Jheri-curl!”…

…♪ just let yo’ sooooooouuuullll gllooooooooow ♪…

Teyomboy seems pleased, “I am very glad that I got long wavy hair that’s somethin’ that can blow in the wind!” Finally, we’re down to our last girl, and it’s my Homegirl Tahlia, of whom Tyra says: “Tahlia needs a mane like a lion, so I’m gonna give her a big buh-londe weave!” And here she is…

…Tahlia’s always gotta be different, so she’s got a wonky right eyebrow…

Homegirl’s ecstatic, “It’s what I’ve always wanted, and they did a magnificent job, and I’m gonna have fun with it!” Glad you like it, Homegirl, but guess who’s not having any fun with her makeunder? Yup, Mia Fo Ho’s starting to blub, “I see all these girls getting gorgeous hair and I’m starting to feel like the competition looks a lot better than I do!” Oh, wah.

Queenie weighs in as she interviews, “Are you serious? Like, I basically have close to no hair and she was crying like a little girl. If you can’t take having your hair cut you shouldn’t be a model, you know?” Oh, how I hate it when I agree with Queenie!

After 11 cycles you’d think these girls would know by now that bleating about the makeover is a good way to paste a giant bullseye target to their forehead (and Fo Head’s got plenty to spare now!) Oh well, it’s back to the House they go, and Mia Fo Ho’s not done being pathetic as she’s donned a scarf to cover up her offending ‘do. “When I was little I would always hide who I really was, and that was *snif* the girl with no money with my mom, we’re living off food stamps… but I never felt as ugly ’til today! *sob* I have to hide my hair to feel pretty!”…

…yes, and rocking the chemo-scarf while being a snivelly cry-ey face is oh so much prettier…

This bitch. Did I, or did I not clock her as our Problem Child? Someone should take her ass to an alopecia support group, then maybe she’d shut her pie-hole. However, on the other end of the Pretty / Ugly spectrum we have La Flaca, who’s getting ready the next morning and feeling like a zillion bucks. “I knew for sure they were gonna cut my hair shorter. And, like, now I look sexy as hell… as you can tell! I mean, there’s not really a lot of stuff that you can do to make me look ugly.”…

…except let you open your mouth, La Flaca Fea…

Now there are two pie-holes that could use shutting. Anyhow, it’s off to some building somewhere to meet up with make-up artist Sutan, who compliments the girls on their new looks and then introduces them to the Cover Girl representative Elyssa Starkman. She reminds them of the $100,000.00 prize package being given by Cover Girl, and then tells them of the awesome bonus they’ll get if they win, which is their image on a Cover Girl exclusive Wal-Mart display in stores around the country! Now that’s big time, baby! Sorta.

SlutAnn takes this opportunity to remind us of last cycle’s video challenge in the Cover Girl aisle at Wal-Mart, but sadly, Elyssa tells us there are no Wal-Marts in New York City! How is that even possible? I have a Wal-Mart in my fucking backyard for Chrissake! They’re like the pubic lice of the retail world, they’re ugly, itchy, smelly and tenacious as hell. Well, anyways, Elyssa’s here to give us the good news that they have brought (at no large expense) the Wal-Mart Exclusive Cover Girl Shopping Experience to us! And with a flamboyant flourish they pull the cord on the red curtain behind them to reveal…

…a Make-Up Mini-Mart?…

Wow, how completely underwhelming. Still, the girls scream and yowl like someone just twisted all 24 of their nipples, and today’s challenge will involve the girls splitting up into four teams of 3, they’re going to have to go out into the street and find a woman that they think embodies Cover Girl. Then, they have to bring this woman (kicking and screaming, most likely) back to the fake Wal-Mart aisle and introduce her to “Exact Eyelights Mascara” which brightens the color of your eyes while you define your lashes…

…and you better leave his ass, Ri, or you’re likely to need a helluva lot more concealer in the future…

Whoops, sorry about that, i’m just still so pissed about them allegedly getting back together. Anyhow, Elyssa’s prattling on about this magical mascara, saying it comes in four colors with “light reflecting metalics” and a “hint of tint” to bring out your blue, green, brown and hazel eye-colors, not to mention the fact that it cures cancer! Or so she makes it sound.

SlutAnn goes on to let them all know that the challenge is not about applying makeup, but about being spokesmodels for the product (ahhhh, shades of Star Search!) and they’ll be judged as a team on how well they explain this wondrous and life-changing cosmetic! Better still, the winning team will get to do a photo shoot for Wal-Mart.com while wearing the mascara and l.e.i. Brand clothing from Wal-Mart. This news is greeted by the sound of crickets chirping…

…What? No shrieking or ululations of insane joy?…

Well, I guess I don’t blame them, I’m not sure how I’d react if I was trying to be a Top Model and someone told me my prize was to get to wear clothes from Wal-Mart and be featured on their website. Then again, that’s probably the only store people can afford to shop at these days, so it’ll be great exposure. Sorta.

Anyhow, SlutAnn has decided to divide up the teams, and they are as follows:
Team 1: (a.k.a. “Team Oreo Hatred”) is Queenie, AmINuts and MeeMaw (meee-yowww, hissssss!)
Team 2: (a.k.a. “Team Weepy Tranny”) is Mia Fo Ho, Portlie and Teyomboy (waahhhh!)
Team 3: (a.k.a. “Team Holy Stigmata”) is La Flaca, Homegirl and Jesus-Freak (Praise God!)
Team 4: (a.k.a. “Team Scary Perfect”) is Anime-Eyes, Prom Queen and Rich-Bitch (zzzzzzzzz)

They’ve only got 20 minutes, so they’re off! Everybody immediately rushes the Wally-Wall to memorize the colors of magical mascara. AmINuts isn’t happy about being teamed with her nemesis Queenie, but insists she’s not gonna let it slow her down. Once they’ve got that covered, they are turned loose on the unsuspecting denizens of Manhattan, haranguing various women to come back with them to get all glooped up with this metallic-tinted shit.

Team Holy gets their girl first, followed by Team Tranny, Team Scary and Team Hatred. Even before they make it back to the Wally-Wall, AmINuts is already telling their girl all about the metallic highlights in the mascara and the kind of applicator brush it has while Elyssa and SlutAnn look on approvingly…

…”Plus, you can stab a bitch in the eye widdit if she steps to you…”…

Elyssa says Team Hatred really spent a good portion of the time introducing their woman Lily to the Wally-Wall but notes that Queenie was pretty quiet and didn’t say or do much other than stand there. Meanwhile, Team Holy jumped on in to practically giving their girl Megan a makeover of her own, and while SlutAnn gives them props for doing a great job on applying makeup, he reminds us that wasn’t the challenge. Oh snap.

Not faring much better is Team Scary, because although they are doting and fawning all over their guinea pig Alex, they keep running to the Wally-Wall to bring her products instead of taking her to the wall so she can experience it’s orgasmic rapture for herself. Worse still, Team Weepy has pretty much gathered in a circle around their client Lexi and are in the process of gang-banging her with their combined product knowledge and makeup tips and techniques. She looks ready to bolt at any second. After they’re all finished and gathered around the winning team is announced, and it’s…

…Team BlowJobFace Oreo Hatred!!!…

AmINuts is stoked, but it is not lost on her the only negative critique they received was the fact that Queenie didn’t talk, and that might have lost it for them, “That’s a frickin’ big deal, this opportunity would have been gone!” She’s right, someone else could have gotten to wear jeans for pre-teens on Wal-Mart.com… that was a close one!

After climbing back into the UggLimo, the girls decide to relax a bit and have dinner at an African Restaurant called Merkato 55, and Queenie is actually smiling and toasting them on their first meal of authentic African food. Anime-Eyes says it’s nice to just have a chance to relax and steal the life-essence of get to know the other girls a little better. It looks like everybody’s having a pretty good time… right up until the point where Queenie notices that AmINuts (who is 21 and of legal age) has bought herself a drink! Horrors! Of course, she gets all MeeMaw on them…

…”I have crystal-meth in my purse instead, and it’ll keep your weight down…”…

Honey, if I had to live with these bitches? I’m surprised the production staff isn’t constantly snockered 24/7. Anyways, of course this kills the fragile friendly mood they were building, everyone looks uncomfortable. Nutsy is glaring at Queenie with open hostility and says, “Don’t put your two cents in when no one asked your opinion… there’s a difference between silly and dumbassness!” Well, mangled adjectives aside, she’s got a point, she’s 21 and can drink if she likes, and it’s not like she ordered a 10-oz tumbler of straight vodka (like those hoes over on Rock Of Love Bus would have).

On the other hand, these girls are all pretty damned lightweight (even Portlie) and one drink would probably affect them far more than it would a fat-ass like me, so maybe Queenie was just trying to be concerned. Okay, no she wasn’t, she’s just being a bitch because that’s what she does as she interviews, “You know, you want to be America’s Next Top Model but you act soooo trashy!” What? It’s one drink! AmINuts interview response?: “Keep it cute… or put it on mute!”…

…Gaymen!…

The next morning they pile back into the UggLimo and head on over to a darkened and graffitied alleyway to meet Gay-Jay who is little more than a fey silhouette. He calls out “It’s all about the…. *click*… liiiight!” and suddenly he is bathed in studio spots! He reminds them how he’s always telling them to “find the light” (Jesus-Freak nods emphatically) and in today’s photo shoot they’ll not only be finding it, but they’ll also be “self-directing it!” and with that he trots out Sex God Nigel Barker!

…this one’s for sayhuh (and all you other Nigelettes!)…

He tells them they need to have fun with the lighting, show him what they’ve got, and then sends them off to hair and makeup. When the first four ladies arrive in the studio Sex God clues them to today’s extra twist… that their photos will be a group shot, with one of them doing the “self-lighting” by holding onto a pair of…

…electric dildoes!…

He admonishes them to remember they’re not just lighting their own face, but also the fashions they’re wearing, and with that, they’re off! First up is Homegirl, who for once isn’t whining about being covered up. However, Sex God’s just seeing her nerves on display again…

…or perhaps she’s trying to avoid snapping her ankle on that pile of rubble…

Anime-Eyes, on the other hand, seems to be doing fairly well as Gay-Jay’s murmuring things like “Very good!” and “That’s pretty!” I think he’s just kissing her ass so she won’t destroy him with a zizzing bolt of eyenergy…

…do. do you. have a first. aid. kit. han-dy?…

They might need one if somebody falls. Now it’s Prom Queen’s turn, and Sex God’s saying he was disappointed in her because while she has the look and the limbs, she’s dead in the eyes…

…it doesn’t help that she’s laying there like a cadaver…

Last one in this group is La Flaca, who tells us that it sounds easy to light yourself, but it’s really not. That’s for sure, because she’s holding the glowing dildoes below her face and underlighting herself. Gay-Jay calls her out on it, reminding her that’s what kids do at the campfire when telling scary stories and calls it “ghoul lighting” (Ohhhh, how I used to love to play “Mr. Spectre-Face” with a flashlight until the batteries ran down!) and says that’s not the look they’re going for…

…Oooooohhhhwwwwwooooooohhhh, they’re commming to get you, Barbaraaaa!…

Sex God says La Flaca didn’t get the concept, and that he wasn’t able to get any light in her eyes even when she had the dildoes right up next to them! Ouch. Oh well, time for the next group, starting with AmINuts, and before he gets started Sex God tells them he wants to see them take risks. Nutsy interprets this to mean lighting up her vahjine…

…somehow I don’t think glowing poonani is what Sex God was looking for…

Even worse, both Gay-Jay and Sex God can’t stop talking about how amazing MeeMaw looks, she’s actually upstaging Nutsy! This is making AmINuts feel like crap, so of course Queenie has to jump in and gloat saying “I feel like Aminat should have played around with it more… so I’ll just stand back and smirk!” HATE. Meanwhile, MeeMaw’s getting extra tips from Gay-Jay in preparation for her prime spot, and Sex God says he’s looking forward to shooting her because “she’s just got it!”…

…Got what, exactly? Malaria?!?…

I’m not sure what they’re orgasming over, she looks like an evil mannequin to me, but I’m not a suave fashion photographer. Time for Queenie to show us how it’s done, she’s not forgotten that she was in the Bottom Two at the last round of judging. Sex God wants to know what she’s thinking about as he’s firing away, “I’m just thinking about doing the best I can.” she offers meekly and Gay-Jay clouts her one, saying “You’re looking verrrry bored.”…

…well, at least she fits in with the other three…

Worse still is Portlie, who’s put Gay-Jay at a loss for words. Well, not really, because he’s still blabbing, “When a photographer is just sitting there and firing through frames to get through the frames? They’re not inspired. If the photographer’s not inspired, that means Tyra’s not gonna be inspired! And then what?” *gasp* Well, Lord have mercy upon all our immortal souls if the Almighty Tyra should be left without inspiration! What ever will we do to make the sun come up tomorrow? Gay-Jay’s a simpering moron…

…Domo arigato, Mrs. Roboto!…

As the fourth and final group arrives, Gay-Jay’s harping on the fact that so far the girls have not been so inspiring, so they need to get their shit together. Well, we all know that Jesus-Freak has no problem with Divine Inspirationâ„¢ and she seems to do pretty well, cuz Sex God’s not just silently shooting through his rolls of film anymore. How did Jesus-Freak pull this off?…

…by pretending to be She-Ra, Princess Of Power!…

Also doing well is Teyomboy, whom Gay-Jay says was “Genius! Hands down, she knew how to light herself, she knew how to pose! It’s like she’s not even holding the lights!”…

…Really? Cuz I see her arm right there!…

But it’s right back to the crapper we go when Mia Fo Ho gets ahold of things. She’s complaining and kvetching, and Sex God notices right away that while most of the other girls have embraced their makeovers, Fo Ho has utterly failed to do the same. Of course, it’s not her fault as she explains, “I don’t know how to work with this hair! And it scares me, because I can’t get over the concept that it’s so short!” Ugh, shut up about the fucking hair already!

Gay-Jay’s also had enough of her pity-party and actually stops the shoot! This is never a good sign. He flat-out asks her, “I know you were a little emotional on makeover day. Do you feel like we’ve stripped away your femininity?” Fo Ho tells them she feels a little butch and privately clarifies, “Not Plain Jane, but… Plain Jane’s Brother! That’s exactly how I feel!” and is she starting to cry on the set of the photo shoot? I’m sure the makeup people will just love her for that! Not to mention Sex God and Gay-Jay… and the final result is less-than-interesting…

…Wow, the short hair really ruined the shot…

Last one to go is our Little Miss Rich-Bitch Perfect, who required no makeover at all. Sex God seems to like what she’s giving him, although I have no clue why, she just looks insanely bored like she does in every other situation in her life…

…zzzzzzz…

And with that they’re done, and everybody’s happy except for Mia Fo Ho. Back at the house there’s another Tyra-Mail, this one’s just reminding them someone’s getting eliminated. Luckily they seem to understand what that means. And Fo Ho still won’t shut up about her fucking buzz-cut, it’s just so haaaaard having short haaaaaair! Wah wah wah wah butch wah wah wah wah ugly wah wah wah wah sobstory wah wah wah wah go Fo Home already!

After an ill-placed commecial for the Return Of The McRib (mmmmmmm, I’m lovin’ it!) we’re back to hear Ty-Ty saying in voiceover: “Once there lived a supermodel who wanted to guide future girls, so she broke out the Rules to Owning Your Inner Fierceness [now available at tyrabanks.com for $27.99 suggested retail price]… when beauty is reflected, beauty is perfected!” And we are graced with a picture of the Goddess holding onto both a compact and a little girl…

…ohhhh, little girl, please please please be peeing on her leg!…

WTF was that all about? I have no clue, but Tyra sure looks pleased with herself, so I guess that’s all that really matters. As the newly madeover Top 12 sashay into the judging chamber Ty-Ty says she doesn’t recognize anybody! She goes on to introduce Sex God and Miss J.Moe (he’s wearing that weird bowl-cut hair again!) and Ty says every week J.Moe’s bow-tie is going to get bigger and bigger. I dunno what that has to do with anything, but I guess, again, Tyra is pleased.

Also sitting and being judgmental today is Paulina Porizkunty (she smiles bitchily) and today’s special guest judge is Nolé Marin, who is a past judge from Cycles 3 and 4…

…and I doubt he could find a bigger tie than that one…

Starting with Mia Fo Ho, Tyra tells her she looks “absolutely stunning” and she knows Fo Ho cried and cried and cried, “And I think every time I cut a girl’s hair short she should be going ‘Oh my God, Tyra thinks I have amazing bone-structure and a strong face!” Ho tries to lie and say she’s thrilled to have the cut, and Tyra cuts her off with “I don’t believe you!” LOL, Ty! Looking at her photo, Ty calls it beautiful but Sex God lets Fo know she let her makeover get the best of her, and the crying on set was not appreciated at all, which makes Tyra question whether or not Mia Fo Ho’s ready to be a model, reminding her that models don’t get to choose how they look. Duh.

Next up is Portlie, whom Porizkunty says did not flatter herself by lighting her own face from the side, and Sex God says she wasn’t able to “get in the moment”. Tyra says some crazy shit about making sound effects inside of yourself while you pose. Um, that’s called “schizophrenia” T.

Here’s Prom Queen, and immediately she gets blasted for wearing what Nolé says looks like a nightshirt to the judges room… Looking at her picture, Porizkunty agrees with me, “You look like a beautiful corpse!” and Tyra trots out that old chestnut “It’s almost like you never heard the phrase ‘smile with your eyes’!” I must agree, how could she not have heard that before? It’s a phrase that Ty-Ty abuses every Cycle.

Jesus-Freak gets love all around for being energetic and dramatic and embracing her new short blonde ‘do (Tyra likee!) while Anime-Eyes is also praised by Sex God for looking “quirky and broken down” and Nolé thinks she’s “interesting and alien-like”. Anime’s not so pleased hearing this and says “That’s a terrible thing to be compared to!” Ty-Ty disagrees, “People used to say I looked like E.T., and I’m like ‘Thank you!’” Oh yes, I’m sure that’s exactly what she said…

…although, now that she mentions it…

Time for Queenie, who gets told that even though there is a lot of light in the shot, she is radiating dullness, there’s no tension. AmINuts is snidely smirking in the background. MeeMaw, on the other hand, gets a RuPaul “Woooooork!” from Ty-Ty and Miss J. calls her shot fabulous. Sex God gives the biggest face-crack of the night as he admits when he was shooting other girls, he was still focusing in on her. Yeah, that little gem wiped the smugness off of Nutsy’s face real fast.

When La Flaca gets called down, she gives herself a haughty hair-fluff, and Tyra wants to see if her picture was as fluffed. When it comes up all we hear is “Oooh.” and Nolé goes for the throat, “That’s an ugly picture! You may be a novela star, but honey, not there!” Ty-Ty says she’s got tension but in all the wrong places and looks mean. It doesn’t help that makeup almost gave her a unibrow…

…and therefore completing it required surprisingly little work on my part…

She’s not feeling so bonita now, pobrecita! Also up for reaming is Homegirl Tahlia. “You’re not modelling in that photo!” accuses Nolé. Tyra says Homegirl has no tension, either and starts doing that grunting thing again where it sounds like she’s trying to force out a stubborn turd.

Here’s Rich-Bitch, and they hate her clothes, too, but they love her photo, calling it “phenomenal” and this time they like the way she lit the side of her face! They hated it when Portlie did it, but on Little Miss Perfect they loved it. She still looks bored as hell, not to mention dead in the eyes, too…

…talk about corpse-like!…

This judging shit is totally arbitrary. Anyhow, it’s time to talk tough with Teyomboy. Ty-Ty’s not happy about the way the new weave has turned out, saying she tried to give her a “Beverly Peele” weave, but “this just looks wrong!” Well, hello, whose fault is that? Tyra says if Teyomboy stays in the competition it’s going to have to get did again, because right now it’s what she calls “chink!” I don’t know what the fuck she meant by that, I can only assume she didn’t mean Asian.

Anyhow, they love Teyomboy’s photo, Sex God says she “rocked it” and Miss J. loved her lines. Tyra cautions her against resting on good critique, though, and I must say I agree, because these things spewing from their collective mouths are so fucking random who the hell can know whether they’re going to love or hate your shit from day to day?

Last in line tonight is AmINuts. “Where is she?” asks Ty-Ty. “Is she in that photo?” questions Nolé. “How do you light yourself out of a picture?” demands Porizkunty. “This is that pose that all the black girls do in the ‘hood!” wails Miss J. and he gets up to demonstrate…

…w’sup, girl?…

Nolé’s even more blunt, “Look at that face! It’s a disaster, looks like a Hush Puppy!” I dunno if he means the shoes or the deep-fried cornmeal or the Bassett Hound, but either way, OUCH! Of course, Queenie’s snidely smirking in the background. These two are so hateful.

Dismissal of girls! After further excoriation where they basically say all of the same things they just did, they call the girls back. And tonight’s winner? Teyomboy! Ty backhand compliments her, “Great picture!… Crazy weave! We’re gonna have to do something about that.” She’s followed by MeeMaw, Anime-Eyes, Rich-Bitch, Jesus-Freak, Prom Queen, Homegirl, Queenie, Portlie, and AmINuts. Huge sighs of relief from our divas!

It’s down to Mia Fo Ho and La Flaca, who is already crying. Fo Ho gets nailed for not leaving her tears in the salon, and La Flaca for basically trying to skate by on just being pretty, it’s not translating to the photos. And the one staying? It’s Fo Ho! Who immediately starts bawling, too.

After a group hug, La Flaca’s off to pack, and says she’s surprised and not used to people criticizing her like that, “I never heard anything less than ‘You’re beautiful!’” I was thinking Jessica’s exit was going to be classy because she’s saying she’s grateful to Tyra for everything she did for her, but then she pulls it out and makes it hateful at the last minute when she finishes off with “I’m gonna go home with my head held high… because I think I’m way prettier than some of the other girls that are left here…”

…uhhhhh, not so much…

And there we have it! What did you think of this episode? Are Queenie and Nutsy getting on your last nerves, too? Should Fo Ho just shut the hell up? And does Tyra have a vendetta against really pretty girls, so she likes to take them down a few notches like she did with La Flaca?

Be back around this time next week, and thanks again for all your funny-ass comments!

love, J-Mo