America’s Next Top Model: Obstacle Course For Bag-Ladies

Greetings and salutations fashionistas! Well, it’s been a crazy week for our poor Tyranna-Sore-Ass, what with the international news coverage of the riot/stampede that broke out amongst a mob of munchkins at auditions for Cycle 13 (a.k.a. The “Okay, I Guess Short Chicks Might Be Pretty, Too” Cycle) in New York City! I don’t want to sound callous or uncaring, but I was too busy burning effigies of A.I.G. executives (and their obscene bonus checks) to really pay that much attention to the story. However, after several seconds worth of research, I did find out some interesting things…

…”Ok, whoever lets me touch their boobies gets to meet Tyra!”…

…namely, this hysterical video from a disgruntled and “fustrated” model hopeful who is upset that a.) the cops were not enforcing the “no cutsies” rule of line-waiting, b.) they had to stand and waste nine whole hours of their day (welcome to the world of retail jobs, ladies!) and c.) demands to know what Tyra was doing while girls were getting “stompled on”. Yes, there’s no shortage of drama with America’s Next Top Model this week… except on the actual episode that aired. Still, I’m fixing to jazz it all up for you with lots of goodies, so join me after the jump, mm’kay my lovelies?…As if all that rioting shit wasn’t bad enough, Chris Crocker, the *snort* “famous weblebrity” is also reportedly upset with Tyra for allowing AmINuts to co-opt his superclever (and obviously copyrighted) phrase “Keep it cute, or put it on mute!” on last week’s episode. “Chris who??!?“, you may ask? I don’t blame you, it has been 15 minutes.

In other related news, Chris Cocker has now lashed out at the rest of the world, claiming to have also originated the catch-phrases “Talk to the hand!”, “Word to ya mutha!”, and “23 skidoo!” and demands that we stop ignoring him or he’ll cry. Suck it, Chris…

…and leave Tyra alone…

On with the show. We start out with a quick rehash of the joys and tears brought on by the lackluster “makeovers” the girls received last week, followed by Tyra taking down La Flaca a few pegs and dismissing her for thinking she’s so sexypretty. And tonight’s show is brought to you by the good folks at Tampax, whose commercial compares menstruation to a “monthly gift”…

…and who doesn’t love a big box of bloating, irritability and cramps?…

Post-elimination and back at the house, the girls find Teyomboy’s winning photo (with the floating light-dildoes) on digital display (and the phrase “This is a model” helpfully printed next to it). She says that the competition is getting harder (Really? Does it ever get any easier?) and admits that if one of her friends in the house goes home she will feel badly for them, but at the end of the day she’ll be glad to still be there.

Prom Queen Nijah’s reliving all the harsh critiques she’s received (Ty-Ty saying she’s “dead in the eyes” and Porizkunty saying she looked like a “beautiful corpse”) and insists that she’s not boring. She said some other stuff, too, but I fell asleep while she was droning on…

…looks like I ain’t the only one…

Yay for Audiovisual Ambienâ„¢! Meanwhile, Homegirl Tahlia’s sitting on her bed and complaining that the panel’s judgments of her have made her “upset”. Hearing this, AmINuts asserts a big-sisterly role (or maybe was hoping to stave off a bitch-and-whine-and-wah-wah-wah session) by telling Homegirl, “Don’t check yourself out until Tyra checks you out.”

Too late, Nutsy, cuz Homegirl’s going to get in her wah-wahs during interview, whining that she doesn’t have the experience or knowledge or education in being a model like so many of the other girls do. “Being told that I don’t have confidence is hard to hear, especially when I had so much confidence coming into this competition.” I think Homegirl’s finally realizing that her burn-victim backstory has taken her as far as it can, and now they’re expecting her to, you know, actually do some modelling. Nutsy’s telling her all she needs to do is have fun and look good and be interesting… and if she can’t do that, then she deserves to go home. Word to ya mutha, Nuts!

Tyra-Mail #1! Rich-Bitch reads off: “Mind your P’s and Q’s. And J.” Everybody guesses that means they’re going to have “runway class” with Miss J. I was hoping this meant they’d all be getting drunk at a pub somewhere (which is one of the theories behind the origin of that phrase… well, The More You Know…) but sadly, I think the girls have this one right…

…although this would have been so much more fun to watch…

All this uncertainty and self-doubt leaves the way open for Rich-Bitch Natalie to opine that she has a really good runway walk. Turns out she was with an agency already and believes this experience gives her an edge over everybody else. She neglects to mention that her previous “agency” was probably the PennySaver and she was standing next to used cars, but we’ll let her think whatever she wants.

The girls are starting to practice on their in-house runway, and Rich-Bitch decides to loftily weigh in on what they’re all doing wrong, which is making AmINuts roll her eyes. Nutsy interviews that Rich-Bitch’s head is getting wayyy too big and her cockiness annoying as she says, “Eat some humble pie and just relax!”…

…Cha! They don’t serve humble pie to already awesomely amazing models!…

The next morning during the FugMobile ride to wherever the hell it is they’re going, Anime-Eyes is feeling insecure about her own runway walk (cue the flashback of her in Vegas stiffly marionetting her way down the ethereal cloudway) and she’s nervous about having to do it all over again in front of the imposing Miss J. How any of these girls are frightened of the walking pile of buffoonery that is Miss J. is beyond me. If I were in their pumps I’d be struggling not to burst out in hysterical giggles every time he showed up. My ankles would also be killing me.

Anyhow, they pull up in front of an old mansion, and after all the girls gather in the dimly-lit foyer, we are treated to the sight of Miss J. gracefully wending his way down the elegant staircase…

…looking like Ann Landers…

See what I mean? I’d be on the floor gasping for oxygen. That cumulo-nimbus wig alone is cause for hypoxia. In an extremely affected tone (even for him) Miss J. tells them to “simmer down” and welcomes them to “Miss J.’s Charm School”. Casting a critical (and monocled!) eye over the girls, he deems their apparel to be “dreadful” and sends them off to another room to change into something “more appropriate”. Which apparently means khaki capris and cardigans with pearls. Welcome to The Gap.

After pouring himself a cup of Constant Commentâ„¢ Miss J. explains that today they will be learning how to walk with grace, poise and elegance and proceeds to demonstrate. MeeMaw is so impressed by this, “He floats! It’s not a walk, he floats gracefully!” She’s pissed because she can’t float like that since her botched hip-replacement.

…ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. …

With that, they each strut their stuff for Miss J. and his monocle. MeeMaw and AmINuts seem to do okay, but Fo Ho gets “Wind-up toy!” whip-cracked at her, and he wants to know who Prom Queen is angry at today because she looks so unpleasant. Portlie’s walk makes J. spit out his tea! I’d probably be a little awkward if I had to heft around those giant breasts of hers, she’s lucky she can remain upright at all.

Queenie’s “shoulder wiggle-jiggle” is not pleasing to His Royal Weirdness, either, and he takes a moment to mock her…

…go on and shake yo shimmy, girl!…

Homegirl’s next, and I dunno what J. was trying to say by repeating “Poshta! Poshta! Poshta! Poshta!” while she was walking, but it sounded funny. Reverting back to English, he notes her lack of confidence. Again. Jesus-Freak does ok, but Prom Queen Nijah gets a sad “Oh dear!” and Anime-Eyes sinks even lower, causing J. to break out in a great big diarrhea-face…

…or maybe Queenie spiked her chocolate scones with Ex-Lax…

Realizing that Anime’s walk is screaming “Help me!” Miss J. decides to employ the old “book-on-top-of-the-head” method, which is endlessly embarrassing for her, and mildly entertaining for us. I thought her walk was screaming “Give me your bloooood!” and that a soaked tampon on top of her head would have helped more. Oh well, Rich-Bitch Natalie has no such issues, she’s sashaying and chantéing all over the place, which Miss J. just lurves.

Now that they’ve all walked, Miss J. calls out for Bianca and Chantal, who are out-of-work losers former contestants from Cycle 9, and who have “mastered” Miss J.’s Charm School. They’re there to pick up a badly-needed paycheck show the girls how walking is really done…

…”Remember us?”…

…and so far, it looks like they really do have the whole “put one foot in front of the other” thing down. Kudos to you, B&C! They are also showcasing “runway respect”, i.e. when two models are approaching each other on the catwalk you must refrain from shoving the other girl off the side and into the crowd, no matter how much of a bitch she has been to you. Take note, Queenie.

Back at La Casa De No Food, the girls decide to play a game. Instead of playing a harmless game like Yahtzee or Checkers (or a less intellectually-demanding pastime that’s more their speed, such as Old Maid) they have instead chosen Truth or Dare. Yup, this game always ends well and makes new friendships. I never play it any more because I always either wind up being asked embarrassing questions about my bizarre fetish for inflatable toys, or I get horrible dares to kiss girls (or call up the local Catholic priest and ask him out on a date… which he always accepts since people are keeping a lot closer tabs on altar boys these days).

Anyhow, Portlie must have been given a dare to lick boogers out of someone’s nose, because she’s tonguing AmINuts’ nostrils…

…or she has a bizarre snot fetish…

Prom Queen gets dared to do her best Carlton-From-Fresh-Prince-Dance (which we always called “The White Girl” when I was in school). Pretty harmless (if disgusting) stuff, right? That’s true, right up until Rich-Bitch gets asked “Who had the worst picture last week besides Jessica and yourself?” Instead of declining to answer (on the grounds that it might net her an ass-kicking) Rich-Bitch thinks it over seriously, says she’s going to be “brutally honest” and says Homegirl Tahlia!

Hateful bitch. She doesn’t even have the decency to sound apologetic, either, she’s just flat-out justifying “It was true, I did think that she had the worst picture, and I think that kinda rubbed her the wrong way.” Gee, I can’t even imagine why, considering Homegirl wasn’t even in the Bottom Two! All this truthiness has done for Rich-Bitch is garner her a combined hurt/angry glare from Tahlia, who gets up and leaves the room. Rich-Bitch could care less, though…

…although I wish she’d care more about using some damned ProActivâ„¢…

Unsurprisingly, this makes Homegirl cry on Prom-Queen’s shoulder, saying she doesn’t have any respect for Rich-Bitch and doesn’t like her very much now, either. If I were Tahlia, I’d be finding a way to put some Super-Glue on the bitch’s Tampax.

Tyra-Mail #2! “Take it from me, the runway is the worst place for excess baggage!” Is Ty-Ty talking about that pair of saddlebag thighs she grew? I dunno, but after their requisite group squealyscreech, the girls guess that they’ll be walking the runway carrying handbags of some kind. This is giving Anime-Eyes a severe case of poopyshits because she’s barely figured out how to walk by herself, much less being handed something to carry. Maybe it’s time to take the book off your head, crack it open, and get an edumacation instead of trying to model…

…or, do like good ol’ Scar did and find a really rich old guy with an enlarged heart and/or prostate…

It’s the next day, and Teyomboy had to get up early so she could go get her weave redid. She’s much happier to be free of her former Jheri-Curl Madnessâ„¢, the new hair looks slightly less artificial (and I’m thankful that at least she didn’t get it in Nuclear Cherry Red or Screaming Banana Yellow or Violent Midnight Blue like some of the ladies I work with tend to do) and she’s energized and ready to moDEL like a goDESS!

After another trip in the Magical FugMobile to some undisclosed place (way to show off the geography of New York City, Tyra!… didja ever think maybe some of us might like to visit that warehouse where Nigel Sex God once stood and held up light-dildoes?) the girls are greeted by Miss J. and some lady. It turns out they’ll be doing a runway show today, and the lady next to him is the designer, Jill Stuart…

…who eerily reminds me of Bethenny Frankel from Real Housewives (And Fake Countesses) Of New York City…

Turns out they’ll be helping preview Jill’s spring collection, and the twist is that they’ll be walking with bags… not handbags, though… shopping bags! Personally I would have thrown a real curveball at them and told them they’d be walking with grocery bags or garbage bags or colostomy bags, but I don’t run this show. Anyhow, Miss J. urges them to remember what they learned about runway etiquette in yesterday’s Charm School and sends them off to hair and makeup.

Time for another installment of The Condescension Cornerâ„¢ with Rich-Bitch Natalie! She’s haughtily amused because “The other girls are practicing back and forth, over and over and over, and I’m like, you guys are gonna freak yourselves out, you know?” Okay, Rich-Bitch, since when is it wrong to try and practice something they’ve never done before? Ugh, I hope she breaks a heel.

At any rate, now that everyone’s all dolled up in their Jill Stuart frocks (which are very gauzy and flowy and strongly resemble maternity-wear) Miss J. introduces them to another special guest, the editor-in-chief of Seventeen magazine, Ann Shoket! Yay! I don’t have the faintest notion who she is (since I only read Thirty-Nine magazine) but the girls are all screaming so I assume they do. She looks happy to be there…

…and thrilled to see her name on-screen!…

After telling the girls how lovely they look (because Jill Stuart obviously has a gun trained on her from off-camera somewheres) Ann wishes them good luck and she and J. take off so the show can start. And today’s runway has been made up like an obstacle course of sorts, there are all these street-objects placed at random, like a garbage can, a street light, a WALK/DON’T WALK sign, a parking meter, and best of all… a fire hydrant! I wonder if they got really authentic and made it smell like dog pee?

Anyhow, first out of the chute is MeeMaw, who’s not nervous, she’s actually loving the fact that she gets to open the show, and she must have taken an extra dose of her Dr. Good’s Elixir for the rheumatiz, because her walk is confident and secure, and she’s handling the multiple shopping bags like a pro…

…although I wonder how well she would have handled a situation like this…

Up next is our resident expert Rich-Bitch, who says she likes to take risks, and decides that just walking down the runway would be too boring, so when she gets to the fire hydrant she suddenly takes a twirl…

…whee! She looks like a breezy Tampaxâ„¢ commercial…

Ehhh, I have a not so fresh feeling. Backstage watching on the monitors Homegirl’s all “Whaaaaat?”. I had the same reaction. Rich-Bitch, on the other hand, thinks she just pulled an awesome move on the runway, “I think you could see in my face that I’m super-confident right now!” She might not feel that way if she had paid attention to the faces of Ann, Jill and Miss J….

…WTF?!?!?…

Homegirl goes next, and admirably suppresses her urge to pull a Tonya Harding and whop Rich-Bitch in the knee as they pass each other. However, Miss J. is not pleased, “What the hell was that turn?” he murmurs to Jill. Jesus-Freak says she was so into the music (ugh, it must have sounded like Creed or Jars Of Clay or Danny Gokey) that she kinda “forgot” about the obstacles, and it became “second-nature” to avoid them. Calm down Freak… it’s not like you just successfully navigated a live minefield or anything… and I, too, find that it’s “second-nature” to avoid obstacles in my way when I’m walking, because I know how to, you know, look at stuff. With my eyes.

Portlie gets no comment (like usual… it’s like they don’t even remember they have her on this show) and Prom Queen Nijah thinks she made an “impression” with her special walk. Too bad the impression caused Miss J. to make his patented I-smell-fart-face again…

…”Girrrrl, did you have Taco Bell for lunch?”…

Luckily they have AmINuts, Queenie and Teyomboy breezing by in those lovely, voluminous, flowy Jill Stuart dresses that help to waft away bad odors… and then comes Anime-Eyes, who seems to be just fine (maybe her little bit of practicing paid off, huh, Rich-Bitch?) and the same goes for Fo Ho, who Miss J. notices took to heart his “Wind-up toy!” critique and made the appropriate changes. At least she wasn’t blaming her hair.

And with that, they’re done and everybody comes out all at once. Nobody’s bags go flying as they are somehow able to magically get past one another without colliding. And only in ANTM-world does that even seem like a real accomplishment. At any rate, backstage and gathered in front of Jill, Miss J. and Ann, it’s time for critiques!

They loved MeeMaw and Fo, Teyomboy was a little stiff, Anime-Eyes was “cute and quirky”. And then they tell Rich-Bitch that although she had a beautiful walk, when she stopped and twirled they thought she looked like a ballerina…

…Crrrrraaaaaaccccckkkkk!…

Ha ha ha all over you, Rich-Bitch! However, I’m sure she’s getting smug satisfaction hearing them say Homegirl’s walk was “a little bit weak” due to the same old lack of confidence thing. Homegirl really needs to get her shit together, how many times does she have to hear the same fucking thing before it sinks in? She’s not the only one, though, cuz Prom Queen basically gets told her walk wasn’t very strong, either.

In the end, it came down to Rich-Bitch and MeeMaw for the top spot… and the winner is… RICH-BITCH?!?? Oh… come… on!!! HATE. As the winner, Jill Stuart is going to pull some pieces from her collection to give her as a gift. I hope they’re all irregulars. Rich-Bitch’s head just got even bigger as she crows, “I screwed up… and still my walk proved to be better than theirs! That kinda might be a little intimidating, you know?” I don’t know about intimidated, but she sure is getting hateful looks from just about everyone else.

Back at the house, it’s time for Homegirl to whine to somebody, and since none of the other girls want to hear it anymore, she winds up being forced to call home to talk to her sister Marquis. Waiwaiwait… Marquis?!?? *eye-roll* I guess we can tell Tahlia’s the favored child in that family! Lets just hope she doesn’t have a brother named “Billboard”.

At any rate, after exchanging ‘I-miss-you’s, Homegirl bleats “You have no idea how bad I want to come home. It’s so incredibly haaaaard, you have no idea… like, I’m not myself here at all.”…

…”…and it’s so weird, I always feel like Tyra’s watching me with really big hair and a disapproving look on her face!”…

Um, thousands of girls are rioting in the streets to get on this show, and she somehow expects us to feel sorry for her having to endure the incredible hardships of dressing up in pretty clothes, walking a 50-foot catwalk and getting a free makeover? Call me a cold-hearted snake (girl!) but I just can’t get behind her bullshit attitude. “I wanna make the best of it, however, it’s kinda hard when I’m not myself… and if that means me being sent home, then so be it.” Fair enough. And don’t let the door hitcha where the Good Lord splitcha!

Marquis sounds pretty young and doesn’t have the wherewithal to verbally smack her sister around and tell her to shut it, dry ‘em and get back in the game, so she just tells her that this experience will make her “so much stronger”. Personally I would have said “Bitch, grow a pair.” Aaaaaaand scene!

Tyra-Mail #3! Prom Queen Nijah reads “Give it your all tomorrow, or you might get thrown under the bus!” Please, please, please, reality-show participants and writers, can we stop using this lame-ass expression??!? It’s called “backstabbing” and the O’Jays did a really great song about it back in the day. Ahhh, but in this case, Ty-Ty had to trot out this jejune piece of reality-speak because the next day as the girls pile out of the FugMobile, a giant open-roofed double-decker bus pulls up with a Gay-Jay inside it…

…looking like heee is a paaart of the rhyyyy-thum na-tion!…

Today’s photo shoot is going to be the dreaded “tell a story” modelling challenge, which is always ludicrous (and hysterical!) They’ll be using the bus to go to several different “famous areas” of Manhattan for their locations, and the girls are going to be shot in groups. Gay-Jay says the judges need to be able to look at the photographs and know exactly where they are and exactly what they’re trying to be. You hear that, Wall Street? You better be recognizable to Tyra & Co, or someone’s going home!

And the photographer for today’s shoot is not going to be a nearly-nude and slightly oiled-down Sex God Nigel (boo) but instead, we have…

…that guy from “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”?…

Mikey tells them all they’re going to have fun with the shoot. It looks mighty cold out there, I’m sure it’ll be loads of fun to be prancing around in skimpy dresses trying to tell stories. With that, they all climb on board the Magic Bus and head off to get their hair and makeup done. Whee.

Hey, SlutAnn’s back to oversee some of the makeup! They’re using tape to provide outlines for Prom Queen’s eye-shadow, apparently she and Portlie are going to be playing “SoHo Artists” but SlutAnn’s dubious, “I’ve never seen anybody look like this in SoHo!”…

…obviously he just hasn’t gone to any of the right drag-bars…

At least Fo Ho can’t complain about her fucking short-ass hair for this one, because they’ve added a crapload of extra pieces (plus a hat!) so that she and AmINuts can be Wall Street stock brokers, or what Fo Ho calls “power bitches”. Nutsy quickly corrects her, “Women! We’re women! Bitches don’t wear this!” I dunno Nutsy, I think “bitch” is a very apropos term for some of the nation’s stock brokers who have helped willfully contribute to the current financial meltdown.

Aided by props like fake glasses, briefcases, a laptop and cell phone, AmINuts and Fo Ho attempt to pull off being brokers, but they pretty much just look like a pair of insanely pissed-off gangster molls…

…”Look what these fuckers from A.I.G. are tryina pull! Girl, I’ma use my T-Mobile and order a hit on them!”…

They’re actually having a lot of fun with it, making up little bits of dialogue back and forth while Gay-Jay and Mikey giggle. Overall it seems like they did a good job. Next stop on the Manhattan Tour is SoHo, which Gay-Jay says is his favorite area to shop. He neglects to specify whether it’s for clothes or dick. Portlie and Prom Queen are supposed to be portraying “artists studying their muse”. They seem to think that they can convey this by dully staring at each other.

Mikey clocks Prom Queen right away for her lack of energy, and Portlie quickly becomes animated and quirky, pretending to bite Nijah on the nose. What is it with this girl and her nasal-fetish? By the end of their shoot it seems like they’ve gotten better, but the final product seems strangely artless…

…and being dressed like a shower-loofah doesn’t help…

At least Portlie’s got her ginormous boobs to fall back on. Prom Queen just looks like she’s coming down with mono. Moving on, MeeMaw and Queenie have been paired up to play “Nannies”. Queenie’s hair is ridonkulous, it looks like the giant wads of cat hair I have to yank out of my Dysonâ„¢ every other day, while MeeMaw’s been augmented with those hair-donuts…

…they look just like a pair of crazies on the bus I ride except I bet these two don’t smell like coochie-sweat and ass, nor do they make friends with and talk to individual air-molecules whooshing about, nor do they get into fights over who gets to annoy the driver with spittle and gibberish…

Welllll, Queenie might do those things. Anyhow, MeeMaw’s apprehensive about trying to portray a nanny, she says she doesn’t know how to hold babies (wondering if you hold them up by one foot). Calm down, MeeMaw, and take your 6 o’clock Premarin! I’m sure they’re not going to have real babies for you to abuse.

Sure enough, Gay-Jay tells them that they are to play “overly fabulous nannies in platform shoes” who are kind of ignoring their babies. Why couldn’t the Kardashians have hired a nanny like that? Their kids really needed some ignoring growing up, instead of having to find out the hard way as adults that nobody wants to know who they are (or watch them fuck). Nevertheless, MeeMaw and Queenie really work well together, playing off each other, touching each other, twisting each other’s nipples, etc…

…and somehow I could totally see them letting their baby carriage drift out in front of a bus…

Time to check in with Anime-Eyes and Jesus-Freak, who are parked in front of Louis Vuitton on 5th Avenue and slated to be “snobby socialites”, which Anime says is not her “forte”. She’s right, because pretty much all she knows how to do is look scaryweird, and Gay-Jay chides them for not being rich-bitchy enough (ohhhh, how Rich-Bitch Natalie must be gnashing her teeth that she didn’t get this assignment).

However, Jesus-Freak is totally running with it, giving Anime snotty looks and pretending to push her off the side of the bus (which would kinda be ignoring that whole “thou shalt not kill” Commandment) and just generally acting like she’s the most fabulous thing on the planet. Which constitutes PRIDE out of the Seven Deadly Sins! Zing! Anime just continues to be anemic, and it shows in their photograph…

…looks like she’s getting ready to wipe her ass with a wad of squeezably-soft Charminâ„¢…

Last ones to go is a group of three, consisting of Teyomboy, Homegirl and her nemesis Rich-Bitch, and they’ve been taken to Times Square to play “wacky tourists” gawking at the sights and eating giant pretzels. It seems Homegirl has butched up a little, and while she hates Rich-Bitch, she knows she has to work with her, so she’s going to set aside their differences and hope Natalie chokes on a piece of pretzel instead.

It seems Teyomboy’s hunger got the best of her and she took a giant bite of her pretzel, which wound up in one of their shots. Gay-Jay says this is not a pretty look, so she follows the time-honored model tradition for getting rid of unwanted food…

…and spits it out over the side of the bus!…

Yum-mee! Mikey and Gay-Jay are cracking up, though, and the mood is lightened even further. Gay-Jay even compliments Homegirl on how “delightful” she’s looking in the shots and instructs Teyomboy and Rich-Bitch that they need to feed off her energy. Rich-Bitch is not amused. She’d be even less amused if she saw Gay-Jay saying that while she looks like a model, she’s not giving them model on the set. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but I don’t care because I’m just happy he’s ripping a hole in her inflatable head.

It looks like his surgery is having the desired effect as Rich-Bitch interviews, “Tahlia doing better than me and Teyona was kind of surprising because she was kind of the underdog. Great for her, you know, it’s not… great for me, but as long as I got a good photo I think that’s all that matters.” Judge for yourselves…

…I have to love how the makeup people stuck a pair of giant hair-turds on the top of Rich-Bitch’s head!…

That’s a wrap, people! Back to the house to wipe off the goop and get Tyra-Mail #4, which just basically says somebody’s going home tomorrow. Rich-Bitch claims she’s always nervous during eliminations, but she’s also pretty sure she’s staying, so basically she’s not really that nervous. She might be more nervous if she had any clue what the last 18 months have probably done to Mummy and Daddy’s fortunes.

Over in the bedroom, Jesus-Freak isn’t exactly making friends as she admits she’s “fascinated” every week thinking about who might be going home. I would add the word “morbidly” to the front of that description. She seems oblivious to the fact that she is getting a serious Death-Glare from Anime-Eyes. I’d watch out if I were her, no one really knows yet just how powerful those Eyes might be…

Besides the title sequence, it’s time for Tyreena Queen Of The Jungle to make her very first appearance on tonight’s episode! Once again it’s part of that weird TyraMercial for “The Rules To Owning Your Inner Fiercenassness” and she’s posing with random kids…

…I know she’s looking for girls 5’7″ and under for Cycle 13, but this is getting out of hand…

I love how she completely ignores the kids in favor of the props. Anyhow, once the girls are gathered together for their Weekly Ritual Slaughter, Ty-Ty introduces “sexified” photographer Nigel Barker, Miss J.Moe, Porizkunty and special guest judge, Jill Stuart. Tyra’s Tidbitâ„¢ on Jill is that she had her first collection sold at Bloomingdale’s when she was only 16 years old, which sounded very impressive until I discovered that she is the daughter of Lynn Stuart who was a well-known designer in the 60′s and 70′s. That’s kind of like Paris Hilton expecting people to be overly-impressed when she opened a hotel at age 6.

Tyra’s going to call them up by their groups, and the photos will be evaluated in the same way, “and then we’re gonna break you down one… by… one!” Bring on the bitchfest!

Starting off with the “SoHo Artists” Portlie and Prom Queen, Porizkunty says she doesn’t see any hint of artistry and calls it a “pretty lame shot”. Damn, she’s being way mean, and I think she needs to get laid real bad. Nigel, do something! Instead of slipping Porizkunty a “sexified” note and the key to his apartment, Sex God instead goes after Prom Queen, telling her how she brought the whole picture down for him. Ty-Ty gets in a lick of her own, saying PQ looked uncomfortable and Portlie outshone her. I think they both looked like a couple of dorks but nobody asked me.

…too bad only Portlie’s got the Kevlar Boobs!…

Next in line is our “Wall Street Brokers” Fo Ho and AmINuts. Either her pills kicked in, or Sex God must have gotten in a quick finger-job, because suddenly Porizkunty’s very happy and thinks the girls look “outrageously great!” Tyra tells Nutsy this is her best picture to date, and Sex God gives similar kudos to Fo Ho.

Time to check in with our Wacky Blondes, MeeMaw and Queenie. After Ty-Ty compliments them on how nicely they are dressed, Miss J.Moe suddenly narrows his eyes and asks Queenie “Are your knees ashy?” Ooooooh, Lord forbid anybody should show up to an ANTM Judging Panel with ashy knees! Queenie looks embarrassed and insists that she “oiled them”. Thankfully this pacifies Miss J.Moe, cuz he was about to spit on his hands and rub them on her skin! Blech, that’s a good way to get random bus-commuter-jizz-stains, which are even less attractive!…

…then again, they’re not as unattractive as this…

Time to look at the “Nannies” on film! Miss J.Moe loves it, as does Sex God, who says “Very Upper East Side… I don’t see anything to do with nannies in this picture… but I’m glad I don’t!” Ohhhh-kayyyyyy, I thought the whole point was they were supposed to tell their assigned “story”? But the judges love it because it doesn’t do that? If they hate nannies so much, why didn’t they choose some other kind of story? And what in the blue fuck did Mary Poppins ever do to them? And why am I acting surprised at their stupid random-ass commentary?

They’re orgasming over how great Queenie looks, they just love her body-language. MeeMaw, not so much as Jill calls her “stiff”. Just you wait ’till you get your own hip-replacement surgery young lady! Queenie’s all preenie, natch, but strangely silent. We haven’t heard but one or two sentences from her this whole episode!! Queenie, where are you? Why aren’t you being hateful to everyone?…

…and why is it so great that Queenie took a picture as Don King?…

Let’s check in with our “Times Square Tourists” comprised of Teyomboy, Rich-Bitch and Homegirl. When their photograph comes up the entire panel starts laughing. Porizkunty says she totally believes their story, and Miss J.Moe compliments Homegirl on looking “alive for a change!” Tyra jumps in to add “That’s true joy! It’s not acting.”

However, Miss Moe says he can see what Teyomboy ate and what she’s thinking because her mouth is open wide like a hungry, hungry hippo’s. Ty-Ty gives her a backhanded compliment on her pretty teeth that “go alll the way to the back of yo’ head!” Worse still, Sex God flat-out tells Rich-Bitch that he doesn’t “believe” her in this picture, she’s in the shot, but not in the moment.

Last in line for New Asshole Placement is our pair of “Rich Pretentious Snobs” Jesus-Freak and Anime-Eyes. Jesus-Freak even goes so far as to say they were “frenemies”, which is another term I’m totally sick of, partially because of the inherent stupidity of the word… I’ve always thought that you should either be my friend or get the fuck away from me, you know? Thanks for annoying us long past your sell-by dates, Lauren and Heidi!…

…”You’re welcome, J-Mo!”…

Sex God says they look more like “frenemies” standing in front of them now than they do in the picture. Tyra says they had the easiest assignment because they had “the most pop culture references” to work with (i.e. Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Gossip Girl, etc., etc.) but in the end she thinks it’s a sad horns kind of situation (at least, I think that’s what she meant, her actual words were “I think it was a wah-wah-wah-waaaaaah!”, so there you go.)

Regarding Anime-Eyes, Nigel’s shocked at how little she’s giving in the shot, and Porizkunky calls her “a hung-over Olsen Twin”. Ouch! On the other hand, Jesus-Freak gets kudos for being so pretty and looking so condescending. Whether they mean in the picture or right now in person, I can’t be sure…

…right now I think she’s looking a little Dragon-Ball-Z-ish…

With that, the girls are dismissed, and when they come back, Ty-Ty says they’ll find out “who missed the bus”. Enough with the bus-theme already. Time for a commercial or two…

…Nut-Punching: It’s How You Stay The Only Two Children Mommy And Daddy Will Ever Have…

After some more pointless ripping on everybody, the girls get called back in. Whoever wins tonight will be blessed with the “digital artwork” in the house… and their photo partners will be cropped out! Ooooh, tsssss, burrrrn! And tonight’s winner is…. Queenie! See what happens when you keep your everloving mouth shut? Except I prefer her being all bitchy and rude and nasty and conceited, so next week she needs to bring it baaaaaack!

She’s followed by AmINuts, Homegirl, Fo Ho, MeeMaw, Portlie, Jesus-Freak, Teyomboy and Rich-Bitch, which leaves us with Anime-Eyes and Prom Queen. There’s no way Anime’s getting cut, there just isn’t. Ty-Ty says when Anime walks in the room people say “Whoa, that’s different! That’s interesting! Never seen that before!” so the judges are expecting something special from her. And this time they’re pissed they didn’t get it. As for Prom Queen, she’s beautiful, but they feel like her best photo was the innocent little-kid shot from the first week’s shoot, and since then she’s just boring pretty. So who is leaving?

Duh, it’s Prom Queen Nijah. Tyra’s parting Words of Wisdom to her are not to rely on “this beautiful thing that Mommy and Daddy made!” She gives the rest of the girls hugs and says she loves them all. Privately she says she’s disappointed, but is proud of how she did and believes this experience will “open doors” for her. Like the one on the taxi outside waiting to take her back to Rancho Cucamonga. Cheer up, Nijah, maybe Tyra will ask you to come back in Cycle 13 and show the short girls how to… be taller (or something). If it makes you feel any better, here’s a really awful picture of Ty-Ty I found on the net today…

…talk about “jank”!…

And there we have it! What did you think of this episode? Is Rich-Bitch trying to steal Queenie’s crown for La C*nta De Cycle 12? Will Homegirl ever start drinking before photo shoots so she can get some confidence (or at least a buzz)? Will Anime-Eyes ever conquer her fear of walking in a straight line? Tune in next week to see for yourselves! I know I have to.

love, J-Mo