America’s Next Top Model: The Return Of The Queen

Hello all you closet voguers out there (and you know you do when you’re driving and Madge comes on the radio with one of her bestest songs evah!) are you ready for me? I hope so, ‘cuz I’m on a huge high from the drag pageant that I was at this past weekend (more on this later) and I’m feeling sas-say as a motherfucker! You know who else is feeling rather brazen and feisty tonight (like she was just awarded a crown of her own?)…

…Sandra, Empress Of Delusiana…

Yes, tonight our little Queenie makes her triumphant return to us in all of her bitchy glory, and after last week’s total snoozefest I’m ready for her to bring some of her special brand of hallucinatory grandeur to the forefront! Also on tonight’s episode of America’s Next Top Model (the Paris Is Burning Editionâ„¢) a bunch of gays will get together and judge the models (I wasn’t invited) Homegirl whines some more and MeeMaw makes a shocking transition from sweet to sow-ahhh! Don’t just stand there, let’s get to it, strike a pose, there’s nothin’ to it (except where our poor hapless models are concerned) and jump!Back at Mother Hubbard’s Cupboard, the JumboTron in the Runway Room now has Queenie’s picture on it (minus MeeMaw, natch!) with the comments “Bam!” and “Attitude” and “Steals The Picture” printed on it. Queenie approves and as she saunters into the room to get a closer look she murmurs “Wow, I look sooo hot!”…

…The Return Of The Hawtnessâ„¢…

You will note, she is alone in the room, none of the other girls are down there with her or congratulating her. Queenie doesn’t care, though, “I finally feel like I redeemed myself with that bum ass picture…” [Okay, so she meant "bomb ass picture" but it came out sounding like "bum ass" which is far closer to the truth.] “That picture is hot! Just to, like, have the best picture shows I’m better than all the other girls, and now I’m sure they feel it, you know?”

While she’s downstairs admiring herself and no doubt imagining how awesome her pictures are going to look on the future currency of Delusiana, the girls upstairs are definitely feeling something. “Did you see her picture downstairs?” asks Homegirl incredulously. Fo Ho says it wasn’t that great and AmINuts agrees. Through gritted teeth Fo Ho seethes “I just want Sandra to go home!”

Meanwhile, Homegirl’s so happy she got some positive feedback from the judging panel for a change, saying that it’s helped her confidence a lot, and even though she’s still really homesick, she really wants to be there because she knows she can do this! Remember this, because it’s going to be a central theme in future drama.

The girls are sitting around being hungry when all of a sudden the doorbell rings. Who ever could be calling on them? Somebody didn’t blaspheme and order a pizza, did they? That poor Domino’s guy would get torn to shreds in the mad hungry rush! Nope, it’s Toccara the Token Plus-Sized Modelâ„¢ from Cycle 3! We flash back to her first appearance before Tyra & Co., sassily saying “I’m Toccara, and I’m big *snap* black *snap* beautiful *snap* and lovin’ it! *head roll*” What a character! All she was missing was the Z-formation…

…”Heyyyyyted it!”…

The girls are all super-impressed, even Rich-Bitch, who says Toccara is “every girl’s inspiration”. Yes, cuz she gets to eat once in a while. And keep it down. And she has breasts the size of basketballs. Anyhow, after introducing herself as “Toccara The Fabulous F.A.B.O.” girlfriend tells the ladies that she’s bought them all clothes from her product-placed favorite designer Mira Kelis! Oooh, I think I know who that is, even! Didn’t she do that delicious song about milkshakes?

MeeMaw’s just loving the little sleepwear outfits that Titsccara has bestowed upon them, she says they’re really comfortable, and thinks it was a really “sweet gesture”. I’m not sure what all the fuss is about, they pretty much look like overlong t-shirts and tank-tops…

…plus, you still have to hike that shit up in order to go pee…

They’re going to have a slumber party! Minus the awesome junk food you’d normally get at a slumber party. After everyone’s dressed in their sexy little sleepwear ensembles, Titsccara clues them in that Tyra has sent her there to talk to the girls about personality, “Which I have a lot of!” she trumpets. She’s definitely not short on balls (or boobs), either!

She’s telling them they need to have a lot of personality in order to succeed as models, and that they should be themselves at all times, “If you got somethin’ to say… speak up!” Hmmmm, somehow I think she’s kinda confusing “personality” with “tactlessness” but I’m too happy to see somebody who’s interesting and actually worth watching (for a change) to really kibitz about it. Titsccara definitely has plenty of personality…

…and an amazing rack doesn’t hurt, either…

Now she wants to know about their personalities! Ruh-roh, I think we’re about to hear a symphony of crickets. Bravely starting off is AmINuts, who sums up her major personality trait as “being loud”. Ugh, you weren’t asked what your most annoying flaw is, Nutsy!

Portlie says her personality is “old male comedian stuck in a curvy chick’s body!” and then laughs at her own joke. Awk. Ward. Queenie says privately that Portlie’s always joking around, “I don’t think she takes the competition as serious as some of us, so, I feel like if you’re here to model, be here to model, this is not a comedy show!” Oh, silly Queenie, you really are a resident of Delusiana if you think anybody besides you (and Tyra) takes this show seriously!!…

…behold, the face of serious modelling…

I thought they were going to go through all of the girls, but apparently nobody besides AmINuts and Portlie had any personality, so instead the girls want to know what are the “biggest things” Titsscara’s done since she was on the show. She vaguely mentions being on the covers of “numerous magazines” (I checked, and while Busty Babes was not one of them, she did recently land the cover of Ebony) and was the first black plus-size model to ever be in Italian Vogue! Oh, and she just finished doing a workout DVD! And she’s a correspondent for BET! And she invented edible nail polish! I might have made one of those up.

Anyhoozle, she’s crediting all of her success to her personality. Homegirl’s in awe, saying how inspirational Titsccara is, and realizes that she wants to be just like her, “I’m a model with scars and I wanna be the inspiration, I wanna be the role model!” Fair enough. How ’bout cut the constant whining?

OMG, they’re sitting down at the table, and what is that I see? Is that?… could it be?… it isn’t…

…food, glorious food!…

Seriously, if I loved Titsccara for one reason alone, it’s because she got them all to eat something. As they’re chomping away, she notices that all of the pictures in the room are of Tyra, except for one crazyfug shot of some chick with superbad Granny Bedhead Syndrome, and wants to know who is in the photo. Queenie proudly lays claim to it, but Rich-Bitch is quick to say she thought Fo Ho really had the best picture.

Naturally, Queenie’s unassailable reply is “I guess the judges have the last say!” Teyomboy immediately calls her out on her false modesty, “Just say it! ‘I did the best!’ That’s what you wanna say, I can feel it, ‘I was the best!’” Queenie just smiles and says “Exactly. Thank you.” All the girls roll their eyes and Titsscara is laughing like a loon! Privately, AmINuts says Queenie always thinks everything is about her, “I think she’s gorgeous, but there’s no substance there.”

Now that dinner is over, Titsscara wants to see their house, and as the girls are showing her their incredibly rare bunk beds she’s reminiscing about her time on ANTM, saying her cycle had “so many different personalities… and here I can’t really pinpoint people who really stand out!” And with that one sentence she’s pretty much pierced the heart of the problem with this cycle…

…*yawn*…

The next morning before she leaves, Titsccara admonishes them to really cut loose and let their personalities shine, because whoever wins is going to be “a spokesperson”. MeeMaw feels like everyone has perked up, and believes that this was a wake-up call for them to not be afraid to put themselves out there. Before this episode is over she will have taken that advice in all the wrong directions.

Tyra Mail #1! Teyomboy reads, “If you can’t move to the music, then that might pose a problem.” With that, the girls take off, and apparently they couldn’t afford the gas for the FugMobile, because they’re walking to today’s first stop, the Marquee (no, not Homegirl’s sister, this is a theatre of some kind) where they are greeted by master-poser Benny Ninja…

…who still does “The Safety Dance”…

I love Benny Ninja, but to me he will always be a slightly paler version of the late vogueing master Willi Ninja (of Paris Is Burning fame). If you’ve never seen the film, put it on your NetFlix or just go rent it, it’s an amazing look inside the world of Drag Ball culture, and Willi was one of the originators of the art form (before Madonna raped it and thrust it into the mainstream).

Portlie and AmINuts both immediately recognize Benny and realize that their challenge will have something to do with posing. We get a montage of Benny and his boneless body contortions…

…this one’s my favorite, I’m super-jealous because I can’t even tie my own shoes any more, much less reach them like this…

Benny welcomes them to Marquee and introduces his friend, a “former model” and now Club DJ, Sky Nellor! Oh puh-leeze, you know her real name is probably something like Edna Fartzenberger. Anyhow, DJ Has-Been is there to help them with today’s challenge, which Benny says is to learn how to use music to motivate their posing. Well, this oughtta be stunning. In a punched-in-the-face kinda way.

To begin with, DJ Has-Been is gonna be “dropping some tracks” while Benny creates movements and poses. For those of you who don’t speak DJ-ese, this means she is going to perform some amazing and magically intricate DJ tricks (such as “pressing the PLAYâ–º button”) and Benny will overact to the music…

…I’m hoping they don’t emulate his facial expressions…

Benny’s awesome, but honey, that’s a face made for dancing, not modelling. Now that the girls (hopefully) have the general idea, it’s their turn to work it, and the Ninja advises them to pay attention to the music they’re hearing. First up is Jesus-Freak and Queenie, and as DJ Has-Been drops some kind of hard-rock chugging-guitar-laden aural-testosterone, the two of them unconsciously emulate each other…

…how cute, Jesus-Freak’s making the “I love you” sign to herself!…

I guess that must have been what Stryper used to sound like back in the day, cuz Jesus-Freak’s really getting into it! Benny approves, and DJ Has-Been commends her for keeping her face beautiful and evoking the right emotion (which was apparently “self-love”). Queenie, on the other hand, gets called out by Da Ninja for trying to take over the whole shot (she wound up moving in front of Jesus-Freak while she was flailing about) and in the process “got lost”. Queenie looks royally pissed.

Privately, Bennihana says “Sandra I don’t think is aware of her body yet. I don’t think she was even listening to the music!” DJ Has-Been takes it a step further, “She’s clueless!” Oh well, time for the next duo of Anime-Eyes and Rich-Bitch. They’re given another rock-ish track, only this one sounds more like Bret Michaels’ brand of crap. Proving that she has zero understanding of what this challenge is going to be about, Anime stands still for a few seconds as the music plays, and then inspiration strikes and she busts out with this…

…way to go, Cousin It, you rawk!…

Yup, she and Morticia Addams there really boned it, big time (Rich-Bitch pretty much just copied what Jesus-Freak did, but badly). Benninja is not pleased, “I’m not asking you to dance, I’m asking you to pose!” Anime just giggles and looks weird and says “Oh.” DJ Has-Been opines “It’s not brain-surgery!” I guess she’s forgotten her days as a working model.

Time for Teyomboy and Fo Ho t’go, and they’ve been given a twangy country number. OMG, Teyomboy’s doing her Carlton-From-Fresh-Prince dance again, plastering a goofy-ass look on her face! Fo Ho’s not faring much better, it looks like she’s trying to do The Running Man…

…oh, my achy-breaky heart…

“That’s not country!” shouts Benny, “Country is very simple!” He’s not kidding, how else do you explain Kellie Pickler becoming such a star? “Think of that whole feeling… smell hay if you have to, OK? Think of horse dung!” Wow, I never knew there was such a thing as Method Posingâ„¢. NEXT!

Portlie and MeeMaw get the generic “hip-hop” track, and who knew that MeeMaw was such a drag-queen on the inside? She’s really going to town, creating different lines with her arms, and varying the levels of her body (while remembering to keep her face free of Constipation-Grimaceâ„¢). Portlie, on the other hand, is just kinda standing there looking like a lump, before half-heartedly bobbing her head and pumping her fist and trying to look all gangsta…

…and coming off wanksta…

“What are you doing?” Bennihana demands, “Pay attention. Get yourself together!” After a few more seconds of watching her painful lurching, he stops the music, looks at Portlie while pointing to MeeMaw and says “She beat you. She turned you out!” Portlie looks peeved and then tries to play it off as a joke by making a weird grandiose “W’sup?” gesture off her boobs, which doesn’t go over well with Benninja at all, and in a deadly voice he reminds her (again) that they are there to pose. Privately, MeeMaw says it’s getting annoying that Portlie wants to be funny all the time.

Last in line at this Skag Ball are AmINuts and Homegirl, and they’ve been blessed with a smoky horn-filled jazz riff. Nutsy paid attention to what MeeMaw did and is looking sultry while gently undulating her arms and creating different levels to her poses. Homegirl’s just uncomfortably waving her arms back and forth like an airblown street-advertisement while looking at random spots in the room…

…which will be great if she gets hired by the JC Penney’s catalogue…

He’s loving AmInuts, but barks out “Stop thinking!” at Homegirl. When they are finished he heaps praise on Nutsy, saying she understood it and kept it sexy and seductive within her posing. Anybody wanna take a wild guess at what word he’s going to use to critique Homegirl? I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with “tronfidence”. Yup, she’s getting busted again with looking shy and uncomfortable and having no confidence. Is this, like, the 837th time various judges have told her this?

Back at home, Anime’s asking MeeMaw what she thought about their vogueing session today. MeeMaw, who’s now trying to decide whether she wants to join the House Of Xtravaganza or House Of LaBeija says she loved it! Anime, on the other hand, has already joined the House Of Suckitude, saying that it was one of the scariest things she could imagine doing. Besides looking wide-eyed at herself in a mirror. Still, she recognizes the need to stay positive and work hard, because Negative Nellies have nowhere to go but down.

The next morning it’s Tyra Mail #2! MeeMaw reads, “Practice your posin’ if you wanna be chosen.” Since she’s the new expert, she shows them how it’s done…

…ummm, the House Of Ninja called… you been evicted, girl…

Homegirl and Anime-Eyes look scared shitless. And they should be, because today’s actual challenge is gonna fuck with their self-esteem big time. Arriving at Club Mansion, the girls are greeted by Benninja and a pair of Children Of The Corn…

…ready to worship He Who Vogues Behind The Rows…

Da Ninja says tonight is going to be an event for “the fashion elite” combining music, fabulous clothes… and posing. The girls will be in the show, and their challenge is to use the music to motivate how to pose and show off the fashions, which were designed by the two Village Of The Damned rejects, known only as “The Blondes”.

David Blond (the ostensibly male one) lisps that the winner of the challenge will get to choose one of the looks from their new collection, and Phillipe Blond (the drag-queen one) gushes that it will be “a fabulous hand-made one-of-a-kind dress straight off the runway!” Knowing absolutely nothing about these two, I did a quick search and came upon photos from their recent Spring 2009 Fashion Week show in New York. I think I have fallen in love, because everything looks like this…

…♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!…

Seriously? All of their dresses look like wearable disco balls and shimmery laser-lights! I think the girls’ squealing and screeching and shrieking is well-justified this time. Anyhow, back to the challenge at hand, there will be two heats, with five girls in each, the winner out of each heat will go head-to-head in a pose-off battle with the other. Bennihana will be choosing the winner based on how the crowd cheers on their poses. LOL, Portlie just got a serious “oh shit!” look on her face.

With that, Benninja sends them off for hair and makeup, saying “In my lingo that means ‘Go gitcha hurr did and ya carta snatched!’” Yay for Drag-Queenese! The girls all start getting ready, and apparently anybody modelling in a Blondes show is required to be buh-londe…

…it’s like The Brady Bunch, only Scandinavian…

The theatre’s filling up with New York’s “fashion elite” which means “a gaggle of gays in shock-drag”. MeeMaw’s excited and ready to pose like the wack-job she is, but Homegirl’s super-nervous, saying she can’t move in the dress. Soooo, I guess that means it’ll be the dress’s fault when she sucks. She looks way hot, though.

Time for the show to start, Benny’s telling the crowd they’ll be judging (boy, will they ever!) by applause… and if they don’t like the posing, they should voice their displeasure. I doubt that’ll be a problem with this crowd of mouthy queens. In Bennilingo a bad pose is “sour”, except he pronounces it “sow-ahhhh!”

…and here’s the very face of sow-ahhh now!…

DJ Has-Been drops the beat and we’re off! Anime’s the first one up in an iridescent purple minidress, and while she’s doing better than before, she thinks they could smell her fear. She’s right, because she starts getting booed. Then she shoots death-rays from her eyes at the audience, turns them all into blackened husks of carbon and wins by default. Kidding! She slinks off to the side while Teyomboy appears in a silvery-sequined pantsuit and shows her how it’s done…

…can you see the obvious difference?…

I sure can’t, and I fear this shit is going to be just as arbitrary as Tyra & Co. at the Judges Panel. Oh well, Portlie’s (in her pewter-shaded mini) noticed that Bennihana is calling out “Pose! Pose! Pose!” to each of the girls and decides she’s going to hit something dramatic and awesome every time he says it. After three lame attempts she runs out of ideas and gets soundly booed.

Queenie’s turn! She’s in a coral pantsuit and is complaining that the shoes are really hard to walk in, so she stuck with “simple” poses. Mostly pouting and playing with her wig. Get the hook! I see Kevin Aviance in the audience and he looks pissed! “Someone’s gotta have poses in here!” shouts Benninja, and out comes MeeMaw (in a silver mini) who immediately knocks the rest of the bitches off stage with her fierceness and originality and levels and angles…

…okay, this time you can see the obvious difference…

The crowd goes wild for her and MeeMaw wins her heat! She’ll be on the cover of the next AARP Newsletter for sure! Time for round two, and first up is AmINuts in her teal long-sleeved minidress, and she’s doing her best, but looks vacant and starts getting booed. Jesus-Freak follows in a silver sleeveless mini, and for some reason decides to crouch down and give the audience a beaver-shot. She must have forgotten it’s a bunch of gay men and they do not appreciate her showing hoo-hah, because they’re totally barfing…

…if only she was a tranny…

Homegirl’s in a tight pink shimmery sheath, but she looks askerd and her poses are not flattering to her body at all. She blames the dress and the hair (natch!) and when she starts getting catcalls you can tell she’s all butt-hurt by it. Not so for Rich-Bitch, who actually steps off the front of the runway in her golden pantsuit and is hitting all kinds of interesting bitchy looks, and the queens are eating it up! MeeMaw is pissed that she didn’t think of doing that and realizes she’ll need to be way better in the Pose-Off. Last one to go is Fo Ho in a magenta mini, and she’s doing different things with her levels and lines as well, but the crowd reaction seems to be mixed…

…because gays loooove them a rich-bitch…

Unsurprisingly, Rich-Bitch is the winner of heat #2, facing off against MeeMaw! When the music starts, MeeMaw hits the floor, posing while reclining. Rich-Bitch follows suit. MeeMaw gets back up. Rich-Bitch bounces back up, too. MeeMaw starts playing with the belt on her dress. So does Rich-Bitch. What is this, Simon Says? Then Rich-Bitch almost falls off the catwalk a couple of times and starts to look awkward while MeeMaw’s owning the runway. As they hit their final poses, the crowd decides…

…well, at least Rich-Bitch didn’t win again…

And actually, there were more than a few boos for Rich-Bitch! I guess they didn’t love her as much as she thought. Then again, queens can be a fickle-ass bunch (right Madonna?) Speaking of which, I was a tad surprised that they didn’t bust out with “Vogue” or “Supermodel” or “‘Cause I’m A Blonde” or something along those lines, especially considering how they were playing up how important the music was supposed to be in this challenge. All I heard were generic beats and a few scritchy-scratchies. So much for DJ Has-Been’s skillz.

MeeMaw’s so happy, she doesn’t even mind that she might have cracked her femur plopping down on the stage like that. Back at the house, you know who’s not happy? Anime-Eyes! (ha! faked you out!) You know why she’s not happy? Because she made the fatal mistake of asking a crumple-faced Homegirl what was wrong and wound up being subjected to six hours of…

…just eye-laser her now, Anime!…

…or chuck that apple core at the girl’s head and tell her to shut it. When a glowing MeeMaw comes hobbling up (she’s still wearing her wig and sparkle-dress) and looking happy it chases Homegirl away. Once she’s gone, Anime-Eyes tells MeeMaw that Homegirl was saying that she wants to go home, but it wasn’t in a bitchy backbiting way, she seemed genuinely concerned about her. MeeMaw privately interviews that Homegirl is far too timid, “I do not think she’s strong enough to be in this competition! She’s so afraid to put herself out there!”

Okay, I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, yes, Homegirl whines far too much about wanting to go home and I wish she’d either shut up or go home already, too many people would literally kill to be where she is now. On the other hand, the girl is only 18, she’s got serious body-image issues and she just got her ass (verbally) plowed on stage by 437 gay men all at once. For me, this would be a dream evening, but for her, not so much. Also, it’s hard to take MeeMaw seriously when she’s still wearing her stank-ass clothes from the show…

…funny, that’s the exact face I was making back at my TV!…

Tyra Mail #3! Jesus-Freak reads, “Models aren’t the only ones that migrate to New York to make their dreams come true.” The girls immediately start guessing their photo shoot will have something to do with birds. I wasn’t aware that NYC was considered a major stop on the aviary migratory cycle, but I guess the snowy egrets figure if they can make it there, they’ll make it anywhere.

Bundled up in the FugMobile they are trundled off to a hair and makeup trailer somewhere out near the Statue Of Liberty (which we now know was a gift from the Count-Ass De Lesseps to the United States) and the girls are even further puzzled by the strange makeup and hairstyles they are receiving. “I look white!” exclaims Queenie, and SlutAnn fires back with “You look gray, honey!”

Homegirl’s getting made up next to MeeMaw and is saying how frustrated and fed-up she is with the competition, “I know that I signed up for this, and it’s a great experience… I just… I dunno, I’m just asking myself if this is the right thing to do, you know?” MeeMaw remains tight-lipped (to Homegirl’s face) but privately she says she can see her breaking down, “She doesn’t think that this competition is the way to go through modelling? So, for me, I’m like, then leave! Give us who, like, are dying for this, let us like be in this competition!”…

…crotchety old hag…

Somebody missed their morning Metamucil! MeeMaw needs to stop, because Homegirl’s being there is not preventing her (or any of the others) from continuing to compete. I also think there might be a bit of jealousy on her part because Homegirl is not only younger than she is, but also a helluva lot prettier. And more human-looking.

Now that everybody’s all hurr-did and carta-snatched they meet up with Gay-Jay on a ferry boat heading across the Hudson River, where he tells them that from 1892 to 1954 there were over 12,000,000 immigrants who entered the country via Ellis Island, and there are many photographs of these immigrants that were taken as they arrived. I think he lost most of the girls when he started quoting historical dates, but nevertheless, today’s photo shoot is going to be a trip back in time using vintage cameras and film (they’ll have to stand very still for these pictures to come out right) and Benny Ninja will be in their photographs playing *snort* their immigrant husband. Oh, and there will be some random children dressed in period clothing scattered about, too…

…a MILF from the late 19th century…

Disembarking at Ellis Island itself, Queenie’s the first one to go. Gay-Jay introduces her to the photographer Brian Edwards, who apparently worked the cheerful “natural disasters” shoot from Cycle 11. What a lovely idea for a photo-shoot! When are they going to use “infectious diseases” or “pestilence and plagues” for fashion inspiration? Anyhow, at least he has experience with disasters, he’s gonna need it.

Right on cue, Queenie’s face goes completely blank, which prompts a rebuke from Gay-Jay, “Just because we’re asking you to hold it still doesn’t mean you gotta give us boring.” So Queenie jazzes it up… by putting her hands in her pockets. Brilliant. Especially under the giant bulky fur stole she’s wearing, she could have her thumb up her butt for all we know and it still wouldn’t show. Gay-Jay sighs, “Sandra’s probably one of my biggest disappointments to date! She’s totally disappeared off the radar.” Her final shot is just plain weird…

…it’s like a homeless woman wandered into Benny’s shot and he’s pissed about it!…

Here comes Fo Ho, and she looks muy bonita in a lovely spanish mantilla, and she’s having a good time working with Benny and the Kids, but her final shot is eerily reminiscent of Queenie’s…

…or she’s practicing for a future JC Penney’s career as well…

Jesus-Freak actually looks pretty stunning, and Gay-Jay notices that she’s gotten into her character right away, “I feel like you’re in the movie ‘Titanic’, you think you’re Kate Winslet, don’t you!” Jesus-Freak giggles and says that’s actually exactly what was inspiring her…

…yup, I hear Celine Dion caterwauling in the background, too…

I’m not sure what was so interesting off-camera, that’s the third shot where the girls are looking off into the distance. Maybe that little girl next to her smells. They move inside the Ellis Island building itself for Rich-Bitch’s turn, and when Gay-Jay asks her what her character is, she haughtily replies “Magdalene Ursich from Croatia.” and tosses her head like he should be impressed. Gay-Jay looks blank until she explains, “That’s where my ancestors are from.” Ahhh, thanks for the useless info, Richie! At any rate, she’s doing all kinds of weird contorted poses and in her final shot…

…she looks like the kids have given her a headache…

I guess I can understand that, kids sometimes have that effect on me, too. At least she’s looking at the camera. Teyomboy’s next, and seems to be doing well, which kinda surprises me, because when she’s out of make-up she doesn’t seem modelly at all, but she sure takes a good picture…

…although here it looks like she’d cut a bitch that tried to take her suitcase…

Portlie comes out and says she’s excited about “re-enacting” immigration because most of her familiy are immigrants and she wants to make them proud. Gay-Jay’s not liking her poses, though, saying she looks like a sack, “Kortnie just struggled, it took way too long, it was just a little too boring.” Hmmm, okay, so there’s such a thing as the right amount of boredom? At any rate, he’s got a point, Portlie looks bored…

…along with everyone else in this picture…

Benninja is trying to help her and give her pointers on her posing, which is still pretty lackluster, and Gay-Jay murmurs “This boat sunk on the way to Ellis Island.” Fuglie. Hey, here’s Homegirl in a peasant blouse and a hideously flowered skirt! She jumps in and is actually doing some good posing for a change, Gay-Jay stops and tells her how good she’s doing, privately saying she’s definitely grown since the first week and he loved her softness and femininity. He obviously doesn’t have to live with her near-constant kvetching. Still, it’s a pretty good photo…

…And look! Everybody’s awake!…

Now that she’s awake from her nap, it’s MeeMaw’s turn, and she’s having such a wonderful time reminiscing about how it was back in the day when she came through Ellis Island, and how they had to change her name to “Celia” because the officials couldn’t pronounce “Cylyzkrvwtzqqaowiefoiwholajakawon” and how her corns are a-hurtin’ and her dogs are a-barkin’, etc. etc. All kidding aside, she says photo shoots are not her “strongest point”, which I think is hysterical considering that’s, you know, half the competition…

…Blonde Ambition In Gaucho Boots…

AmINuts goes next, and she’s still doing that ghetto-girl pose with the hand on a jutting hip. Gay-Jay’s not happy because she seems to be concentrating more on posing and forgetting about her face, and her body posing is pretty much lost under all the baggy clothing they have her in…

…love the tablecloth shoulder-wrap…

Last in line today is Anime-Eyes, and she seems to be enjoying herself, saying she was in love with the camera (was it bleeding?) and that it was the most amazing photo-shoot so far. Her results are a tad eerie as always…

…Little Orphan Anime…

And that’s a wrap! Useless Tyra Mail #4! In effect it says, “One of you bitches is going home tomorrow.” Queenie says she’s actually a little bit nervous, “I feel like my shoot… it… could’ve been… better.” Note how she refuses to say “it went badly.” Then she opines “I feel like Tahlia will get eliminated tomorrow, I just don’t feel like she has the confidence.” That may not be true, because Homegirl feels like she got a good photo in today.

Over in the Retiree’s Room, MeeMaw’s meds must have worn off, because she’s raging about Homegirl, “If she does not go home, I think we should all fire back!” Huh? Fire back? Portlie jumps on the Haterade-Express to Bitchville, too, “She says she doesn’t wanna be here repeatedly, what are we supposed to think?” Rich-Bitch echos that she’s annoyed how Homegirl wants to go home when she’s doing badly, but is happy and wants to stay when she’s doing well. MeeMaw finishes off with “I think if anyone else went home that would cause absolute mayhem.”…

…shut up and take your hormone-replacement-therapy…

…”It’s not fair for someone to be here who doesn’t wanna be here.” she whines. What. A. Bunch. Of. Bitches. They’re acting like they should have some sort of say on who stays and who goes home, and have clearly forgotten that only one person (“judges panel” or not) makes that decision, and that’s the HBIC, Tyra. I also really hate the Mean-Girls-Ganging-Up-Behind-The-Back bullshit, and I’d bet you just about every single one of them has had the exact same “I want to go home” thought cross their mind, Homegirl just made the mistake of being irritating and vocalizing it.

It’s time for Judgement Day! Tyra’s dressed like a subsitute Algebra teacher, circa 1979…

…the kind boys (except me) would have wet dreams about…

Ty-Ty blah-blahs about the prizes and the judges (today’s guest judge is Bennihana) and Teyomboy is up first. Sex-God thinks she looks sensational, Tyra sees “a story” in her eyes, Porizkunty says there’s a “captivating romance” in the picture. What?!? That’s Benny Ninja in there with her for God’s sake! If anything it’s a “captivating sistergirlfriend”! Oh well, good job Teyomboy.

Next, Miss J.Moe tells Jesus-Freak she looks about 1½ feet tall, and Porizkunty says it’s “not a great shot”. Jesus-Freak is smiling, but I can tell she’s praying for a bolt of Holy Wrath to descend uponeth them. Sex God thinks she looks great, but says it “doesn’t make sense” that all the extras are looking at the camera and she’s cruising some hot guy off set (which I don’t get at all… they only had 10 frames to shoot, wouldn’t Gay-Jay and the photographer have been responsible for allowing her to do this?).

Tyra then babbles something about how even when she takes snapshots with friends, she directs them with “1-2-3 smiling!” or “1-2-3 fierce!” or “1-2-3 funny face!” While she’s calling these out, Miss J.Moe and Sex God are posing with her…

…”1-2-3 toilet-face!…

Everybody laughs, and Ty-Ty continues, “Do you understand how much better that was, like, everybody’s different? That’s what you have to do when you’re in a group, too!” Jesus-Freak says yes, but looks puzzled, and I don’t blame her one bit, that 1-2-3 shit didn’t have fuckall to do with her photo.

Queenie is brought forth. Sex God says he didn’t want to see another profile shot from her (this is the 3rd final shot where she’s like that) and that there’s “disconnect” because she’s looking at Jesus-Freak’s hot guy off-set while everyone else is looking at the camera. Benninja jumps in to tattle that Queenie couldn’t grasp the concept of posing during the photo shoot because she didn’t understand it in the challenge. Queenie looks displeased…

…”We are not amused.”…

They seem to love Anime-Eyes’ photo, but Tyra says she looks like one of the kids. Porizkunty agrees, “She looks like the older sister ’cause Mommy died on the trip over.” Ha ha, I’m sure orphans everywhere thank you for that amusing little sally, ‘kunty! AmINuts gets love from Miss J.Moe because her expression, feeling and mood “completes the story”. Ty-Ty thinks so, too, “It’s kinda nice, girrl!” I know the full shots are hard to see, so here’s everyone’s close-up so far…

Fo Ho gets compared with Jesus-Freak’s photo, she’s also gazing off into the distance. Porizkunty says the children look “random” and Fo Ho’s “not relating to any of them” and that it’s her least favorite Fo-To so far. She says this like the kids don’t look random in every one of the other shots? This judging is random.

Time for Rich-Bitch to receive a glowing compliment from Sex God, “You look like Keira Knightley!” Everyone oohs and ahhs over this comparison, and Tyra (trying on a very Madonna-esque fake British accent) says “Yew loook ahbsolewtley stonning!” However, Sex God also says she could have made it better if she’d tilted her face up and caught more light…

…Nigel certainly knows how to catch the light (it’s in his hands!)…

For Portlie, all Bennihana can say is “sow-ahhh!” and Sex God wants to know what she was thinking in the picture. “Um, I was just thinking that we’d travelled a long way, and I was just really excited about-…” Porizkunty cuts in, “You were excited??!?” Sex God says the look in her eyes is “a bit dead”, and Tyra says she feels like Portlie underperforms. Wisely, Portlie keeps her mouth shut and her lame jokes to herself.

Homegirl’s photo gets a long, drawn-out “Wooooooooow!” from everybody on the panel, Miss J.Moe calls it “exquisite” and Sex God one-ups him, “It’s better than exquisite, it’s the best picture I’ve seen so far! This is beautiful, you look fantastic!” Ty-Ty even loves it, “You look like this beautiful flamenco spanish dancer that said, ‘I’m comeeng to Nueva Jork!’” Sex God marvels that Homegirl even looks related to all the people in the picture. Porizkunty says she’s giving the most attitude out of any model there so far…

All of these awesome compliments are intercut with reaction shots from the other girls, and it’s clear that if looks could kill, Homegirl would be most dead and gone. They are somewhat mollified when Porizkunty makes her compliment backhanded by saying that while Homegirl’s workin’ the ‘tude in the photos, in person she’s got the least of everyone. Tyra then calls her out on her unhemmed jeans, and Sex God doesn’t like her “There’s Something About Mary” chola hairdo…

…I tried using that as hair-mousse once, it doesn’t work…

Last up is the challenge winner, MeeMaw! She’s still wearing the Blondes’ outfit that she won! I hope she at least Febreezed it at some point. Ty-Ty says, “Let’s see if yo pictchah is as sparkly as yo dress!” It comes up on the screen and ulgh! Sex God says she got upstaged by the girl standing behind her, and Porizkunty calls it “completely not good”. Tyra likes her pose, but there’s no story in her eyes. Miss J.Moe thinks she slouched too much in her reclining pose. MeeMaw looks deflated. Not to mention psychotic in her photo. See for yourselves…

Everyone’s dismissed so the judges can natter and nitpick amongst themselves:

Jesus-Freak: “doesn’t relate to her background” but “her eyes look magical”
Queenie: “as boring as home-made soap” and “relies on being so pretty” Ruh-roh.
Anime: “has such a specific look [a.k.a. "weird"] that you either love it, or you hate it!”
Portlie: “not model quality” but “stands out” and “really gorgeous girl”
AmINuts: “great picture” but “looks better close up than in a wide shot”
Fo Ho: “a fake look off into the sunset”
MeeMaw: “had to search to find her in the picture” and “identical pose from the Light-Dildo Challenge”
Homegirl: “the best picture in the bunch, period!” and “hot mama in Ellis Island!”
Rich-Bitch: “dull and not inspirational” Bwahahahahaha!
Teyomboy: “looks fantastic” but “the pose is pretty sow-ahhh!” (okay Benny, you can stop saying that now. Ty-Ty fires back at him with “I think it’s sweet and sow-ahhh which I looooooove!”)

They bring the girls back in, and it’s no surprise at all that Homegirl won this round hands-down. MeeMaw’s not bothering to hide her extreme bitterness, either…

…”No fair! I was the ‘Hot Grandma Of Ellis Island’!”…

To give Homegirl credit, she did not jump up and down or yee-haw or act ugly with the news of her win (like MeeMaw did when she won the Pose-Off). Following her are Teyomboy, Anime-Eyes, Rich-Bitch, Jesus-Freak, AmINuts, MeeMaw and Fo Ho. Ooooh, it’s down to Queenie and Portlie! And we know that Queenie’s not going anywhere because she’s too much of a shit-stirrer for them to kick her out, and Portlie’s had more face-and-interview time in this episode than on the other four episodes combined (which is always the Reality TV Kiss Of Deathâ„¢). Sure enough, Portlie’s out, and it’s all over for this cycle’s Token Plus-Sizer.

Ahhh, but wait, what’s this? MeeMaw’s broken out of the crowd and walks back over to where Portlie’s standing! She makes my jaw absolutely drop open with the following speech: “Tyra, with all due respect to you, I think there’s something you should know about *gulp* what was said this week, um, by Tahlia. Before you send Kortnie home I think you should know that Tahlia did express that she did not want to be in this competition any more, and she did not feel that this was a wise career move on her part. It’s quite unfair for someone who doesn’t even want to be here t-to remain in the competition.” Oh. My. God. What. A. Hateful. Fucking. Bitch. What she failed to notice during her little filibuster is that Tyra was looking more and more angry…

…I know I’d be filling my Depends if I were MeeMaw…

And here’s Tyra’s response: “You know what I think is unfair? That you’re saying this, and not Tahlia. Tahlia did not say that to me, she did not say that to the judges. So what is truly unfair is you saying that to me. So the judges have made their decision take your place Celia.” She ran that last part together exactly like that in a very deadly tone and MeeMaw apologized and high-tailed it for the others with her backstabbing tail between her spindly legs…

…I think she’s feeling some leakage and hopes she hasn’t ruined her Blondes dress…

While all this speechifying was going on, it looked like Homegirl was trying to keep her face carefully neutral, and while Ty-Ty was nuking MeeMaw I saw a few of the girls nodding their heads in agreement (most notably Teyomboy). I am so shocked and stunned that MeeMaw would have pulled such a bitchass stunt, and I think only now she’s realizing that it’s really put her on Tyra’s map… but for all the wrong reasons.

Portlie’s crying a little as she packs, “It’s depressing. I’m sad to go. I feel like I had potential but maybe I didn’t catch up as fast as the other girls. I love all the girls, they’re amazing, but Tahlia had said she doesn’t want to be here, she thinks the competition is a joke, but, Celia didn’t have to do that. I applaud her for standing up for what she believes in, but in Tahlia’s defense, I mean, she didn’t get to say anything, so I dunno what’s gonna happen with that, hopefully the house won’t be too crazy when I leave.”

Oh yes, because on the previews for next week’s show, all hell breaks loose and everyone’s fighting! Yesssss! Finally some shit to talk about!

What did you think of this episode? Who treated the competition like a joke more, Homegirl… or Portlie? Do you think Homegirl should leave because she said privately that she wanted to? Are you as surprised as I am that MeeMaw did such a shitty thing and tried to fuck her like that? I am so hating on her right now, and I can’t wait to see what happens next week.

On a tangentially related matter, I was at the Miss Gay Phoenix 2009 Pageant this past weekend, dancing backup for a friend of mine named Ebonae Shane who was making her bid for the title. We’ve been working on her talent routine (she did Mary J. Blige’s “Just Fine”) for the last two months and were so excited to finally perform it in competition, and things went really great… until the music stopped. However, she never stopped, so we all kept on going as you can see in the video below (and if you watch closely, at about 1:22 you can see us doing some “posing” of our own… oh, and I’m the fat white guy)…

The great news is that even though we got stuck with bad sound equipment (the problem was NOT with her CD) she got a near-perfect score on her talent and went on to win the title of Miss Gay Phoenix 2009! Congratulations to Ebonae!

I’ll be back next week with another fun-filled and colorful recap.

love, J-Mo