America’s Next Top Model: Hell Hath No Fury (The Ditz Hits The Fan)

What’s up little darlin’s? Let’s talk for a moment about mistakes. We’ve all made ‘em (my hair and fashion choices that routinely got my ass kicked in the ’80s is a prime example) and hopefully we’ve all learned from them. It’s a semi-rare person that willfully does something incredibly stupid that doesn’t feel remorse or embarrassment as a result of their boneheaded actions. Fortunately for us, reality TV is littered with such unapologetic people…

…”Since when is it wrong to backstab people on behalf of your so-called friends??!?”…

…and I’m sure that you were all as excited as I was for this week’s installment of America’s Next Top Model after MeeMaw’s decision to suddenly become a giant Telltale Tit (thanks kizarny!) and try to get Homegirl kicked off the show. In the end, however, all she accomplished was earning herself a swift smackdown at the hands of a pissed-off Tyra… and the full set of repercussions haven’t even fully played out yet! It’s time to sit back, relax, and enjoy Part Two of ScreamFest 2009 (Ethnic Girls vs. Caucasian Chicks) after the jump…There was much debate in the comments last week (I finally responded to everyone, sorry for the delay) about whether or not MeeMaw was right or wrong for “telling” about Homegirl’s whining to Ty-Ty. I can understand the point of view that it would be unfair for someone to get sent home if Homegirl turned right around and left of her own accord. That would suck. I also have to admire MeeMaw’s nerves of steel for not just talking shit behind Homegirl’s back, she actually followed through with the threats she made at her little Bridge-Players Bitchfest to stand up and make a statement in the event that anyone other than Homegirl was eliminated. That took some serious guts.

That being said, she did not make her intentions known to Homegirl, which is seriously underhanded of her (in my opinion). Also, she was in no danger herself of being sent home, so for her to jump up yapping to try and save Portlie (and her extremely meager modelling skills) came off as petulant and whiny (the exact same things she’s accusing Homegirl of being). It’s also quite telling that in the opening recap of last week’s show, Tyra voiceovers: “Celia shocked the panel and the competitors… with her own take on judging!” Not cute at all…

…much like the Crypt-Keeper herself here…

The girls return to The House Of Tension where Homegirl’s Retro-Pic is being digitally displayed in the Runway Room, but nobody pays much attention to it, including Homegirl herself, “I’m so angry, and I’m so hurt because what happened at panel today, it was soooo, like, backstabbing!” She was so happy to have had the best picture, and that felt really good up until MeeMaw pulled her little stunt.

MeeMaw herself says “I didn’t think it was fair that she [Portlie] was getting eliminated, wanting this so bad while Tahlia didn’t even wanna be there!” Well, I guess Portlie shouldn’t have been so damned sucktastic, then! Infuriatingly, MeeMaw still firmly believes that the lackluster end would have justified the shitty means, “I do not regret what I did… absolutely not… and if I’m to be sent home, then so be it…”…

…”Damned kids have no respect for their elders!”…

Yeah, it’s because of crabby behavior like this that I rarely visited my own MeeMaw in the Pee-Scented Lair Of Utter Despairâ„¢ that she inhabited in her later years… and don’t judge me too harshly for that, the woman wrote me out of her will for being a homofag, something that she never mentioned to my horrible cocksucking face for the last 8 years she was alive, I only heard about it after it was already in print and in the hands of my entire extended family upon her death. If I had known that, I could have saved a couple of hundred dollars in Christmas and birthday-related Target Gift Cards.

At any rate, with her little cadre of Mean Girls gathered ’round, MeeMaw’s kinda looking like she sorta regrets it, as she’s trying to justify her bitchy backstabbing behavior to them, “I’ve stirred up so much drama because of this, umm, and I know that, I just thought Tyra should know that, you know, if someone’s heart isn’t in it!” Okay, well who died and left you hall-monitor, bitch?

Hey, here’s Queenie stealthily going upstairs to find Homegirl and Teyomboy, and she tells them about the conversation that MeeMaw had earlier in the day with the Blah-Blah Sisterhood when she threatened to tattle at Panel. “I didn’t think they were actually gonna doooo it!” They flash back to the conversation, and Queenie was present, but it appears she wasn’t keen on MeeMaw’s big mouth…

…and how dare they try to out-bitchify Queenie!…

Privately, Queenie’s getting high and mighty, “Celia really should not have done what she did because it was none of her business. If I was Celia I really would be worried about going home.” That’s quite true. Of course, it would have also been helpful if Queenie had said something to Homegirl about all of this before Panel, so she might have been forewarned (and thus forearmed) in the face of MeeMaw’s diatribe, however, we all know Queenie’s not there to make friendships so it’s no surprise she kept mum. Until now, when it’s clearly the best time to shit-stir.

Homegirl is fuming, saying she’s waiting for MeeMaw to approach her, but she seems reluctant to really get into it (probably because she knows that all her whining has been well-documented). AmINuts, on the other hand, doesn’t understand why Homegirl’s not leaping at MeeMaw’s misshapen head with her teeth bared at this very moment, “Why you gotta wait for her?” she demands. Curiously, Homegirl’s trying to keep a cool head and knows if she confronts the hateful old woman right now she’ll explode…

…MeeMaw should be worried… in my neck of the desert when you see a pissed-off Latina with crispy bangs, no earrings and hair back in a pony-tail, it can only mean one thing: ¡Es el tiempo para la lucha libre!…

Nutsy disagrees, “Don’t sit here and try to hold yourself back! She didn’t hold herself back!” Homegirl replies, “And she made herself look hella-low when she did that.” AmINuts ain’t having it, though, “You know what? I’m not tryina instigate, but if you ain’t gonna say somethin’ do you mind if I go downstairs and handle my bizness, please?” Homegirl tells her to have at it.

Huh? Since when did this become Nutsy’s fight? Oh well, who cares, we’re all dying to see the fur fly, I guess it doesn’t really matter who’s doing the razorblading, does it? AmINuts and Teyomboy go stalking downstairs where MeeMaw’s having a bowl of prunes mixed with Geritol, and Teyomboy actually starts in: “Can I axe y’all, like a serious question, like serious talk? Don’t you really feel like a fool right now? Like, what was your motives on doin’ that? If you felt the girl was wrong you shoulda said something to her. ‘Cuz that makes me feel like all y’all fake as hell, ‘cuz all y’all was plottin’ wid her!” The Innocent White Girls all play stupid…

…not much of a stretch…

Redundantly wide-eyed, Anime disagrees, “Nobody was plotting!” AmINuts jumps all over her, “Don’t sit here and look like you’re confused and you’re sad and you don’t know what the hell is goin’ on! For you to even conspire with her [MeeMaw] about that? That really hurts my feelings because I thought you was a better person than that!”

Anime interviews that when AmINuts and Teyomboy came down and started “verbally attacking” them, it reminded her of why she hated high school, which I take to mean that she thinks they’re being immature. Well, I went back and reviewed her footage from last week, and I misread her completely. I was mistaken in my impression that she wasn’t tattling about Homegirl’s homesickness, and that she really seemed to care about the girl’s feelings. She was just as much up and in on the Homegirl-hatin’ as the rest of them. This explains her high-school flashback, because, yes, it really sucks to do something nastily immature like talk shit about somebody behind their back… and then get caught and have to own up to it. Which she is not doing…

…funny how the Eyes Of Tyra seem to be almost joining them in their tirade…

Nutsy’s not stopping there, because she’s now addressing MeeMaw directly, “For you to step up because your girl got sent home… like, truly, you disgust me!” Turning to Anime she spits, “You disgust me even more because I felt like I was close to you!” Anime’s working her big baby blues into some crystalline tears, saying that she hasn’t done anything. Not true, but I’m sure she believes that’s how things really went down.

Strangely enough, MeeMaw and Homegirl are standing next to each other on the stairs while all of this screaming is going on, and MeeMaw thinks it’s weird that everyone else seems to be in an uproar right now when the fight should really be between the two of them…

…I wouldn’t leave my blind-side so unguarded, all Homegirl needs is one good shove and there’d be a lot of brittle bones shattering…

From her lofty place on the stairs MeeMaw’s trying to be all mature (now) and is mouthing “It’s just not worth it.” to Anime and Rich-Bitch as Teyomboy continues to yell. Teyomboy notices this and says “Be her mom and tell her what to do!” AmINuts chimes in with “Yeah, follow her… Dumb One and Dumb Two!” Anime looks like she’s frightened for her life right now.

Finally Homegirl speaks up, “I have no problem telling Tyra that home to me right now is the best place in the world because I had to question my motives in being here!” Privately Anime says that Homegirl’s big speech from the stairs is “a bit too ‘Chicken Soup For The Teenage Soul’ for me…” She says this in such a snide tone (not to mention from the safety of her private interview) that I felt you should all see the difference in her demeanor between her snotty world-weary holier-than-thou shit-talking and the face she’s wearing as they dress her down…

…*sigh*…Some bitches never learn…

Homegirl continues, “Now that I’m actually here and I get to look and finally see my picture [gestures towards the JumboTron] I’m excited and now I know that I actually do belong here!” Annnnnd scene! Rich-Bitch starts clapping sarcastically and sneers “Bravo! That was beautiful. This is a competition! If you don’t wanna be here, we’re gonna try and send you home!” Wait, is this Suddenly Survivorâ„¢? Since when it is a part of ANTM for the models to decide who stays and who goes? Tyra, you have a serious mutiny on your hands here!

Nutsy’s on it and fires back at Rich-Bitch! “You consider yourself part of the ‘we’ now, that’s what jus’ came outta your mouth, you just said ‘we’, so you knew what the hell was goin’ on!” She goes on to say if she wouldn’t get sent home she’d wipe the floor with Rich-Bitch, who pretty much dares AmINuts to go ahead and do it. I highly doubt she’d say that if they weren’t on camera right now…

…don’t forget… you still gotta sleep sometime…

AmINuts tells her she looks stupid. Rich-Bitch is still pushing her and egging her on, which brings Nutsy right down into her face saying “You look stupid! Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. You’re stupid. Let me spell it out: S-T-U-P-I-D, stupid! Yeah, keep clappin’ stupid! Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” Wow, this is kinda stupid.

Rich-Bitch (also within the safety of private interview) says that AmINuts getting up in her face is just proving that she’s so immature. Because talking shit behind people’s backs is so mature. “Like, I’ve never had anybody disrespect me like that.” This is coming from the girl who somehow thinks that she’s now part of some ill-conceived Model Mafiaâ„¢ that has the power to send people home. To Nutsy’s face she’s still playing tough-girl, “I love this, you keep on, like, making yourself look like such an idiot!” Well, she kinda has a point there, but the idiocy is spread out pretty evenly over pretty much all of them. I wish AmINuts had been a little more witty with her onslaught instead of just calling the girl “stupid” 6,483 times…

…at least throw in a “doo-doo head” or a “poopy-face” for variety…

Homegirl gets the last word in as she goes back upstairs, “Y’all have put a new meaning to bitches and backstabbing! That is so real!” Well, no, technically they didn’t give it any new meaning, they just illustrated those concepts in a pretty much letter-perfect fashion.

Whew! I need a cigarette after all that! I’m kinda sad to see that the battle-lines in the house appear to have been drawn between ethnicities, with Queenie, AmINuts, Teyomboy and Homegirl on one side and Anime-Eyes, MeeMaw and Rich-Bitch on the other (Fo Ho and Jesus-Freak were nowhere to be seen, so I can only assume they’re the “Switzerland” in this war). I think I’m most disappointed in Anime for proving to be such a conniving little cooze who’s barely getting by on her jeepers-creepers-peepers.

Oh well, it’s time for Tyra-Mail #1! AmINuts reads, “Cut it out!” At first I thought she was still a-ragin’ at MeeMaw, Anime and Rich-Bitch (who stand there glaring at her) but it’s actually a part of Ty-Ty’s message, “I don’t want to see any more blank faces.” Honey, Tyra should have been there a half-hour ago, there wasn’t a blank face in the place!…

…except for these two, who look like they might actually have slept through the whole fight-thing…

AmINuts guesses this means they’re going to be acting, mostly because of the word “cut”. I would have said “knife fight” myself. At any rate, the next morning they pile into the FugMobile and head out to the warehouse/studio to greet Gay-Jay for their challenge.

He’s surrounded by faceless mannequins wearing fashions and says that without faces the dummies are just clothing hangers, “And in this business if you are ever dubbed just a clothes hanger? That… can be the kiss… of death!”, and for emphasis he does this…

…which only serves to remind them that this could have been MeeMaw on the stairs last night…

He advises them that in order to become an iconic model it’s all about “the face” (um, duh) and that hopefully by the end of today’s challenge they’ll all have more than “just one smile”. With that they leave the dismembered corpse of the mannequin laying there and head inside where Gay-Jay introduces their guest mentor Beth Stern, who is also a model and the current wife of Howard Stern (the radio guy, not Anna Nicole Smith’s former lawyer).

Beth’s creds involve being married to Needle-Dick and having been on the cover of Hamptons magazine a whopping six times! Gay-Jay tries to pump this miniscule nugget up into something worthwhile by saying “If you can go back to the same client six times that means you can bring some variety in the face.” Let’s see this so-called chameleon in action for ourselves, shall we?…

…I guess if by “variety” he means “one-note”, then, yeah…

Seriously? That’s like a Denny’s Sampler Platterâ„¢ featuring only onion rings. Or just the platter itself. I’m guessing perhaps Needle-Dick owns Hamptons Magazine. Beth’s yammering on about practicing in front of a mirror and how key that was to her awesome Hamptons photo shoots, and the girls are going to start out by practicing different “scenarios” in front of mirrors…

…well, these two sure have “Fear Of A Deserved Ass-Kicking” down cold…

Anime is told to try “sensual”. She just looks crazier and more frightened than usual and Beth says “Sad! Makes me wanna cry!” I’m sure Beth has that same look every time Howard’s pants come off. Teyomboy’s given “mystery” and she just gets all squinty. MeeMaw’s also asked to do “mystery” and for some reason Gay-Jay and Beth orgasm over it. I thought she just looked stuffed-up. Homegirl’s rolling her eyes, too.

Homegirl herself is given “sensual” as well, and her raised eyebrow seems to say “Wake me when you’re done” more than anything, but Gay-Jay seems pleased. Fo Ho is asked to give them “alluring” and just kinda narrows her eyes. Meh. Queenie’s goes for “mystery” and winds up looking angry, which is making Gay-Jay feel nervous. Sillier still is Rich-Bitch, whose version of “sensual” is completely laughable…

…she must have thought he said “drowsy”…

Gay-Jay says her look is making him feel “very Victoria’s Secret”, which is fitting, they make sleepwear, right? Anyhow, now that they’ve practiced it’s time for today’s challenge, which is quite possibly one of the stupidest I have ever seen on this show. Gay-Jay uncovers five life-sized photos of Tyra herself (not too egotistical there Miz Banks!) in which there is a hole cut out where her face would be. I’m guessing the cut-out face parts were turned into TyraMasks and are probably available at www.tyrabanks.com for $19.95 each (plus shipping and handling).

At any rate, everyone will be sent out of the room and one by one they will come in, choose two of the cut-outs of their choice, and they have to attempt to give the same facial expression Tyra had in the real picture… using only her body positioning as a clue. Dear Sweet Jesus, talk about impossibly random! There is literally no way this can be a real test of anything, the girls don’t have any idea what the real photo looks like, so if they give the correct expression it’ll only be by dumb luck.

MeeMaw’s up first, and she’s really nervous because she feels like her tattlefest is going to get her sent home, so she really wants to do well… “I’m gonna stay in this competition even though I feel like I’m at a disadvantage.” And whose fault is that? Nobody else pasted that bullseye on your forehead, honey, you (and your big fat mouth) did that all by your lonesome! Anyhow, she fails miserably…

…the only thing she got right was the whole “two eyes, nose and a mouth” thing…

Beth whispers that MeeMaw’s trying too hard to get the body angle in the picture correct instead of working on “the emotion” but I can’t take Miss Same-Same-Smiley-Smile’s critiques seriously because she lets a walking mop have sex with her. Fo Ho and Teyomboy go next, and they don’t really do much better…

…Fo Ho’s tired while Teyomboy looks confused…

Their attempts just make Beth laugh bitchily and I wish someone would punch her in the neck. Or make her have sex with Howard some more. Queenie’s up now, and she says when she looked at the pictures she knew exactly what to do, it was easy…

…easily wrong…

Privately Gay-Jay says that Queenie is “falling out of this competition” and “fading into the background”. Ruh-roh, I don’t much like the sound of that (even if it’s kinda true). Oh well, let’s see how AmINuts did…

…well, she doesn’t look nothin’ like Tyra, but that is an expression that’s quite useful when you put your face up to a hole cut in a men’s room wall…

Gay-Jay whispers that “she didn’t have a clue” but I think he secretly admires her technique. Weirdly, Anime unwittingly copies Nutsy’s Glory-Hole-Faceâ„¢ in the same picture…

…although she needs to learn a little more “lips together / teeth apart“…

BitchBeth says Anime made her sad again, “I wasn’t getting anything out of her! She might be having a problem in this competition!” Well then, I guess she better drop out and go find a hideously ugly radio jock to leech off of. I hear Rush Limbaugh’s available. Ahhhh, here comes our favorite Rich-Bitch, and here are her inTyrapretations…

…just as much of an epic failure as all the others…

But wait! They’re praising her! They’re saying she got it exactly right! What. The. FUCK?!??! She looked just as fucking random as everyone else! I call shenanigans! FIXED! Look at that shit above, there is no way she did any better than any of the others! If anything, Queenie came just as close, but they hated her. Ugh, I am so over this stupid challenge. It looks like Jesus-Freak feels the same way…

…and curiously, I think she was way better than Rich-Bitch…

It’s Homegirl’s turn, and she’s strutting in almost skipping. That’s that confidence showing. Beth likes her bouncy excitedness and whispers that she thinks Homegirl is gonna get it right away…

…if by “get it” she means “bone it”…

Yeah, not so much. Homegirl goes and brings all the girls back in. Gay-Jay proceeds to verbally assfuck MeeMaw, Queenie and Anime for sucking so hard, and then throws salt in their wounds by choosing Rich-Bitch as the winner! I repeat: FIXED! There is no way she did the best job, they just picked her for drama’s sake (and to piss off Homegirl, AmINuts and Teyomboy). Sadly, Rich-Bitch is such a poor actress that she can’t even generate more than a half-hearted “Ohh, yay.” upon hearing this news…

…Anime looks more excited…

Such bullshit. Anyhow, Rich-Bitch’s prize for being handed winning this fake-ass-competition is that she will get 50% more frames than the other girls in the main photo shoot tomorrow. Woofuckinhoo. I need a draink before I continue with this…

Okay, I’ve had a couple of shots and feel a tad more calm, and the girls are back at the House Of Hell. Tyra-Mail #2! Rich-Bitch reads, “You’re all looking a little pale. I think you need some color.” The girls guess they’re going to get slathered with body paint. They’re half-right, but that was an easy one.

Meanwhile, MeeMaw’s sitting on the upstairs landing by herself and picking at her nail polish. Homegirl comes up and sits down next to her with an ungainly plop. “Hey, are you okay?” ventures MeeMaw. Homegirl appears to be stress-eating, cuz she’s digging into a bag of Chee-Tos. Quietly she says “I’m disappointed.” and MeeMaw nods.

In an impressive display of maturity, Homegirl interviews that instead of just verbally attacking MeeMaw, she wants to handle things like an adult and calmly talk about the situation, and that’s exactly what she does, “I was humiliated in front of all of the judges, Tyra, and all of the girls here.” Wow, this is definitely a change of pace for this show! MeeMaw still makes my jaw drop when she replies, “What that was, was not meant to hurt you…”

…”It was meant to get you kicked off the show and ruin your modelling career, but not in a hurtful way…”…

What a crock of old lady shit. Still, MeeMaw blithely continues, “What that was, was just for Tyra to know what was going on.” If that had been me sitting there with her I would have shoved her over the railing for spewing this dreck, but Homegirl’s cooler head prevails as she explains, “There’s other ways to do it, though. I have said that I’m questioning my motives for being here, and I’m afraid that I was taking the wrong approach.” Very impressive, she just showed a glimmer of self-awareness!

MeeMaw finally gives her an apology, “I do apologize for humiliating you, that was not my intention, it was just… it was just for Tyra to know, and Tyra is totally pissed at me, I’m gonna get eliminated, I’m already prepared for that.” It would serve her meddlesome ass right, too. In her interview MeeMaw says, “If I go home, I want to go home knowing that everyone wants to be here as much or more than I do.”…

…and again, I ask you, who appointed her to the Thought Police of Cycle 12?!?…

Ugh, I can’t stand her self-righteous bag of bullshit, it just infuriates me to no end, and I do hope she gets sent packing. In any competition everyone is responsible for their own conduct and level of desire, and since only one girl can win, it’s pretty much pointless to belabor someone else’s attitude. That’s what my job is.

Anyhow, the next day the girls all meet up with Gay-Jay for their photo shoot, and today’s guest photographer is Keith Major, who apparently shot Tyra for the cover of Ebony magazine. Keith looks like a fun guy…

…and he and Gay-Jay go “way back”…

Hmmm, I wonder if that means they’ve gone catting around the back rooms of bars in The Village? Anyhow, in today’s shoot, each girl is going to be given a different color of powder splashed across their face in an artistic fashion, and they will be required to “emote that color”. I pity whoever winds up with burnt sienna or periwinkle.

Over in hair and makeup, SlutAnn’s assisting while Anime’s in the chair and asks the girls, “How are you? You guys gettin’ along okay? Everybody?” He’s just getting strained smiles in return. The first one out of the chute today is Anime-Eyes, who’s been given hot pink as her color to emote. Just before they begin the shoot, SlutAnn gives her a couple last blasts of powder via a straw…

…I imagine this is what it’s like to get caught in a gay dust storm…

I’m also sure that nuclear pink dust is real healthy to be breathing in. Gay-Jay wants to know what she’s going to be thinking about to emote this color, and Anime replies “Just, like, girly, like, feeling girly!” I guess she was kinda successful with that…

…in a Lizzie-Borden-meets-Swiss-Miss kind of way…

I don’t think Gay-Jay liked it much, and says Anime’s still so afraid of giving a genuine emotion that he’s not sure she can move much further in the competition. You know, unless she and the little cadre of Mean Girls are successful at getting some other people shipped home.

Moving on, AmINuts has been given green as her color, and she says she’s getting help with portraying it by thinking about “the earth”. I’m not so sure how earthy she is, she looks more like a moldy leftover from Sister Sledge…

…We. Are. Saaa-lad Greens!…

Homegirl would up with purple, and she’s happy for once that full-length body posing isn’t required for this shoot, and for a change believes that she’s going to do well. Gay-Jay’s prompting for her purply-purple thoughts, and Homegirl says she’s trying to imagine that Keith is her boyfriend. Casting a knowing glance in Keith’s direction, Gay-Jay replies evenly, “That’s okay, it’s working!” Strangely, I think it kinda does…

…even if she does look like Prince exploded all over her…

…although Gay-Jay says he doesn’t know what her look had to do with purple, and insists that “you can’t always bring sexy and sensuality to every shoot.” Oh, shut up, Jay, nobody takes you seriously…

…especially in that damned Scrabble-Shirtâ„¢…

Oooh, a walking Triple-Word-Score! Anyhow, Teyomboy’s up next, and she’s been handed the color yellow, which looks great against her skin, but she’s smiling kinda weird, and Gay-Jay calls out “It’s looking like denture cream! I’m not seeing yellow!” I don’t know if it was planned this way, but it’s a little uncomfortable to see that they’ve given her a very geisha-style hairdo, the juxtapositioning with the color yellow is a tad awkward. They should have given her a Marge Simpson beehive…

…D’oh!…

After making several faces over her efforts they finally come to her last frame and Gay-Jay says he thinks they’ve found Teyomboy’s weakness, “She can’t smile!” Maybe not, but I bet she can still kick your pansy ass. Up next, Fo Ho lucked out and got one of the easiest colors, which is red. She’s doing extremely well and everyone is pleased. I find this shot very intriguing, mostly because her expression seems to say…

…”I’m going to fuck you and then eat you.”…

Fo Ho knows she nailed it, “Give me any color, I’ll do it, I’ll be fierce!” Okay, someone squirt dogshit brown on her and let’s see her go to town. Jesus-Freak goes next, she’s been iced down with the color blue, and I dunno if I like it on her, she kinda looks like someone beat the shit out of her and left her for dead…

…taken straight from The Forensic Files…

It’s time for Rich-Bitch to make her stunning color debut for orange, and Gay-Jay reminds Keith that she has the extra frames in today’s shoot because of her awesomely random win yesterday. When SlutAnn was dusting her with the orange powder, there was a small part of me hoping someone had spiked it with curare… not enough to really harm her (of course) but just enough to give her a bad case of the poopyshits for a few days. She doesn’t seem to be doing so well, and Gay-Jay’s trying to prod her for more, “I want throbbing passion… like, throbbing.”…

…too bad she gave us “vacant rosacea”…

And at the end he delivers a sweet zinger, “You needed the extra frames today… I’m not gonna lie.” Privately he says her first shot was great but then she became stiff and awkward and she wasn’t the same girl who “won” the “challenge” yesterday. Maybe that’s because it was a totally bogus challenge and she really didn’t have the so-called “facial talents” they ascribed to her? Whatever, get her and her giant moon face off my TV screen.

Here comes our Queenie, who’s been given white as her color. The end result is kinda blah…

…like she went crazy and dove into the zinc oxide and then a bag of flour…

When asked what her thoughts are behind the white, she says “I’m thinking angel, like, peaceful…” and Gay-Jay replies “Angel??” LOL, you know he’s thinking “cocaine”. Queenie, of course, thinks she nailed it and hopes she gets the best picture again. I can’t blame a girl for hoping, but I think she boned it.

Last in line today is our sad little MeeMaw, and fittingly, she’s been given the color gray. Bwahahahahahahaha! She’s really wanting to impress Gay-Jay, because if he’s not impressed, then Tyra’s not going to be impressed, especially since Ty-Ty is “upset” with her. Gay-Jay is trying to coach her, but she doesn’t seem to be doing very well, and that color does nothing for her…

…she looks even more Evil Dead than Jesus-Freak did…

However, he winds up telling her these were the best facial expressions she’s had all week. I disagree, I think I got the best of her facial expressions in my screencaps above. Well, it’s a wrap, and back to the house to read the last Tyra-Mail telling them someone is toast.

MeeMaw’s still worried about whether or not she’s going home, so she’s agonizing over what outfit to wear to the Judges Panel, “It’s like, I feel like, it’s like, my outfit that I’m gonna be buried in or something.” Hey, like, get, like, over, like, your, like, self, like, and, like, shut, like, up, like, K, like?

Here’s Tyra’s random shot from her “Rules To Owning Your Inner Fierceness” ad, and it’s too disturbing to caption…

Inside the Star Chamber, Ty-Ty greets them with “And then there were nueve!” Good to know she can count up to nine in Spanish, too. She introduces “the lovely sexy fine-ass” Sex God Nigel Barker, Miss J.Moe (whose bow-tie continues to grow larger every week… by the time this cycle is done he’s going to look like Bozo Meets The Stooges), Paulina Porizkunty (in a tacky leopard print) and Keith Major, of whom Tyra says, “I have worked with Keith for so long… most recently he shot the cover of meeee… and Ebony magazine!” LOL, nice freudian slip there, Ty-Ty! Way to put an entire publication secondary to your appearing on the cover. Keith looks embarrassed.

First up for judging tonight is AmINuts of the good green earth. I was waiting for Rich-Bitch to jump up and tattle that Nutsy was mean to her and called her “stupid” and try to get her sent home, but she kept mute, which I am always grateful for. Anyhow, Sex-God thinks she nailed it, Tyra likes her natural lips, and wants to get ahold of her lip-gloss, which apparently Miss J.Moe already has…

…and it makes him look like a glistening penis in a bow tie…

Next up is orangey Rich-Bitch the “challenge winner”. Grrrrrrr. Thankfully, when her picture comes up on the screen I hear Tyra go “Unnnh.” Miss J.Moe says her face looks too round with no depth (called it!) and Ty-Ty blabbles some BS about the light “falling off” of her face, “It is up to you as a model to figure out how to give some bones to your face!”

Waaaaait, I thought that was the makeup artist’s job! Oh well, in TyraWorldâ„¢ there’s always time to come up with some kind of new faux-responsibilities for the girls to take on, even when they’re impossible. I guess if Rich-Bitch were descended from a race of shape-shifting people she actually could add some more bones to her face, but alas, I think she’s only human (just barely).

Time for Homegirl and her purpleness. Before they can get to that, Tyra still isn’t liking that chola doink of hair on top of her head and wants her to take it down. Does she look better this way?…

…I think I prefer doink-less…

Porizkunty compliments Homegirl on her face taking the light exceedingly well. Rich-Bitch is likely gnashing her teeth behind her giant moon face. Ty-Ty gives her kind of a backhanded compliment by trotting out that old chestnut about how models are supposed to look better in pictures than they do in person, “and you do that!” Gee, thanks, Ty… I think. Keith likes the fact that she made him chase her rapid-fire expressions.

Sex God wants to get some inside dirt and asks her how she felt last week (referencing MeeMaw’s ambush). “Embarrassed, mostly… humiliated… but, I’m not gonna lie, there are times where I don’t feel comfortable being here just because I didn’t see what you guys saw.” Man, she’s got some guts telling them that! However, Keith tells her it’s fine to question herself, it gives her room to grow. On the other hand, Sex God admonishes her that she needs to impress them every time from here on out.

Let’s see what they have to say to MeeMaw! For starters, they love her execution-ensemble…

…from the Outfits To Get Eliminated In Collectionâ„¢…

Then they bring up her weird-ass picture and Tyra tells MeeMaw she really embodies gray “because gray is practical, it’s conservative, it’s maturity, it’s wisdom.” Huh? Maturity and wisdom? Okay, I guess Ty-Ty hasn’t seen the behind the scenes footage yet. Keith says he wanted to shoot her more, which Porizkunty says is an awesome compliment from a photographer. Miss J.Moe says she “gave good neck”.

Teyomboy and her French’s mustard-splattered shot are brought forth. Miss J.Moe says it’s brilliant because it looks nothing like her, and Sex God is quick to qualify that it’s meant “in a good way!” Tyra calls her a chameleon and informs us that yellow stands for optimism and hope, and that comes through in the picture. I read somewhere that yellow also makes people hungry. I need some Pringles, I’ll be right back…

Time to raise the blue-lipped Jesus-Freak from the dead. Miss J.Moe says he was hoping for more emotion in her eyes, and Porizkunty thinks she’s giving them the exact same face she did in last week’s photo shoot, and “that is not a good thing.” Keith and Tyra go for the joint save by saying perhaps Jesus-Freak did that because it’s her strongest look…

…ahhh, I see, kinda like before and after Titanic sank…

Hey, let’s check in with our hot pink Anime-Eyes and her girly-girl picture. Miss J.Moe calls it “modern” and Porizkunty’s loving her neck, but Keith says he was disappointed, “No range at all, just always the same expression.” Bwahahahahaha! Guess what else? Sex God agrees! “It’s the same look we’ve all seen in pretty much every shot of yours week after week after week!” He’s right, too, because as they flash back through her pictures it’s the same doe-eyed, slightly buck-toothed dopey-ass face every time…

…not to mention it’s still frightening as hell…

Let’s turn our attention to Miss Queenie in white. Sex God says the shot isn’t very powerful for him, “It’s just not fashion, it’s not beauty, it’s just sort of there!” Tyra says she knew this straight-on shot wasn’t her best, but they did not want another profile picture from her, so she made them use the full frontal. Porizkunty says it doesn’t work for her at all. Queenie’s lost in a haze of disbelief and looks like she just filled her pants with some steaming Cocoa Pebbles.

Last in line is Fo Ho and her red hotness. “Wooooork!” erupts from Ty-Ty when her photo comes up. Porizkunty says it has a “tiny” bit of Janice in it. I’m assuming she’s referring to her insane predecessor on this show, Miz Dickinson. Miss J.Moe thinks it also has a bit of him in it as well, and they all politely laugh because that is completely ludicrous. Tyra gushes, “This picture is fi-yah! It’s de-ZI-yah! It is lust! It is hot!”

Okay, send the girls away, it’s time to end their day by talking lots of trash!

AmINuts: “love that her eyes are clear” but “it doesn’t leave me green with envy”
Rich-Bitch: “undeniably beautiful” but “there’s something not quite right with the planes of her face” (Tyra elaborates that she used to think Rich-Bitch was at the top of the heap, but this one picture has changed her mind… YOWza!)
Homegirl: “possibly one of the best beauty shots of the bunch” but “she’s still just a drip” (Tyra compares her to the Mona Lisa, though, which I don’t get at all, but who understands Tyra besides fuckin’ Tyra?)

MeeMaw: I must elaborate here. Porizkunty says she has “the best sense of style” but “I don’t love that she’s a tattletale” Sex God runs with that, “It’s weird, after what happened last week I find it very hard to actually even deal with Celia! I just look at her and I think that, goodness me, are you gonna be able to survive in this industry?” Ouch, I doubt that Celia herself considered the long-term repercussions of looking like a snitch on TV, huh?

Teyomboy: “photogenic” and “appealing, brown-skinned girl-next-door look”
Jesus-Freak: “really an unattractive photo” and “like she vomited blue and then she died”
Anime-Eyes: “most extraordinary looking girl” and “this shot is fantastic”
Queenie: “I thought she was one of the number-one girls we had” but “you’ve got to be able to do face-on!”
Fo Ho: “I loved shooting this girl” and “she is smiling with her eyezzz-zuh!”

They’ve reached their decision! Girls are reassembled! And the best picture of the week is no surprise at all, because it belongs to Miss Fi-yah and De-zi-yah Herself, Fo Ho! Yay, she gets to be a bus stop ad! Following her are Teyomboy, Homegirl, AmINuts, Anime-Eyes, Rich-Bitch and Jesus-Freak. Oh shit, it’s down to Queenie and MeeMaw!

…and even more disturbing is the fact that Queenie is suddenly sporting a package…

Tyra notes that she has two short-haired blondes standing in front of her, but everything about them is soooo different. She tells Queenie how beautiful she is and how she takes gorgeous pictures, but every week they are profiles, and wonders if she’s just a “one-look model”. Who cares about that shit? She’s a raving delusional egocentric bitch, and we love her for that!

As for MeeMaw, Ty-Ty says she also has gorgeous pictures from week to week, and some of the best personal style out of everyone…. “But what the judges saw last week was one of the most non-beautiful things that they have ever seen in the history of America’s Next Top Model. Girls have quit… but it was at their own will. And you threw somebody under the bus.” Tell her, Tyra! Testify!

So who stays? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It’s MeeMaw! Aaaaaaahhhh dar4gl frg8zt pow2mi af,p ‘p;o5lkm n,;][./ tgfr7dexzrg ‘;lkj’; 972q63t pa9we bdfkjn I’m pounding my fucking keyboard to pieces! Fuckin fuckity fuckfuckfuck!

…Ok, I know this is wrong, but it’s safer than the voodoo ritual I originally had in mind…

As she walks up to get her picture from Tyra she sobs that she’s learned her lesson, to which Tyra responds “Have you? There’s competition, Celia, and there is even like strong competition, like get back! But when it comes to dealing with clients and stuff like that, i say you don’t mess with another girl’s money… and I have a very personal connection to somebody messin’ with my money for years… and I’ll be damned if I’ll see one of my top models try to do it to one of my girls here.” Oooh, what is she referring to? Is it Naomi Campbell? Someone with the 4-1-1 needs to fill me in, I’m dying to know!

Oh well, with that our reigning Queenie has been deposed. She does go over and give a few hugs out among the girls, but there was no spontaneous group mobbing like the ones that erupted for Prom Queen and Portlie when they got the axe. Privately packing, she’s also fuming in utter disbelief, “I’m pissed off! I’m maaaad! Uhh! I do not deserve to go home. I’m the best out of all the other girls, so they’re crazy to send me home, you know? I have so much potential, I have personality and I look like a model and I’m not gonna stop, I’m not going to stop modelling, it’s something that will always be with me forever!” And Queenie’s special brand of cluelessness will be with us forever… or at least until next week’s episode when Clay Gayken will be guest starring! Yes, you read that correctly, because Clay knows alllll about beauty (and DNA-encrusted cum towels)!

What did you think of this episode? Were Teyomboy and AmINuts out of line for going off like they did? Do you feel like Homegirl handled herself like a mature adult in her confrontation with MeeMaw? Should MeeMaw have gone home instead of Queenie? And somebody please tell me what in the hell Tyra is talking about with that “mess with my money” comment!

love, J-Mo