America’s Next Top Model: Getcho Gayken On

Welcome back all you Diva-Dolls (and for you guys, I guess, Divo-Action-Figures)! Now that my ears have stopped ringing from all the screaming that went on in last week’s episode, I wonder if this week will find the girls being a little more tolerant of one another’s (admittedly lackluster) personalities? I think I will consult my Magic 8 Ball for the answer…

…very doubtful…

Wow, that is so real. At any rate, there are still things to look forward to in tonight’s installment of America’s Next Top Model. Namely, the girls attempt to film a commercial for Cover Girl Cosmetics, Cycle 11 “winner” McKey makes a boring cameo, and we are treated to the puzzling appearance of Clay Aiken! Dust off that cracked copy of Measure Of A Queen Man (or retrieve it from the pile of drink coasters on the coffee table) and get ready to jump.I had to admit that I was somewhat curious as to what precisely Clay’s purpose was going to be on tonight’s show, he’s not exactly a hip-hop star launching a fashion line, he doesn’t date supermodels, and his Howdy Doody-ishness sorta precludes him from modelling…

…and thanks to Kelly Ripa, he’s more frightened of girl-germs than ever…

But we’ll get to that all in good time, let’s check in with our Remaining Eight at La Casa De La Tension! OMG, they’re making food! In the kitchen! Anime Eyes is stressin’ over the critiques she received for always making vacant bunnyface. MeeMaw tells her she’s noticed that Anime covers her mouth every time she smiles… and then amends that to say she doesn’t think she’s ever seen Anime smile, which Anime disputes saying she laughs “hysterically, all the time.” This leads them into asking MeeMaw to show them her smile…

…Anime’s vacant bunnyface is better…

Giggling wildly, Jesus-Freak tells her “You look like a horse!” which MeeMaw doesn’t seem overly thrilled to hear, and she fires back with “I dunno, it’s got me where I am today.” Yup, she’s on a reality TV show now. Well, it beats being a cologne-sniper at Bergdorf Goodman’s, I guess.

OMG, they actually made a turkey for dinner! Magic 8 Ball says “You may rely on it.” when I ask “Will the toilets be overflowing with fowl chunks later on?” Jesus-Freak finally has a chance to do some fancy prayin’ before they eat (well, actually, it looks like nobody waited for her to pray, they just dug in) and I was shocked at her tuneless little “♪ Thank You God ♪ for good food ♪ thank You, God, Amen. ♪” I mean, I wasn’t expecting her to bust out with the Doxology or anything, but even “God is great, God is good, let us thank Him for our food, Aaaa-men” would have been better than that. (In our family we were not allowed to say that one because my older brother and I had the unfortunate habit of loudly mispronouncing the word “food” to rhyme with “good” which would often earn us each a smack and Momma didn’t like to start out dinner with people crying. We were supposed to eat the food first.)

Anyhow, Rich-Bitch says it was a “really nice dinner” and everyone sat down and enjoyed their big feast together…

…certainly some enjoyed it more than others…

I guess they don’t teach chewing with your yap shut at Palos Verdes Finishing Academy. Anychew, Rich-Bitch says after it was done she had only been relaxed for one or two minutes before AmINuts called out “Everybody can you please wash your own dishes?” Instead of leaping into action and cleaning up after herself, she decides to recline on a chair, and snippily tosses off a casual “You’re doing a good job, guys.” in Teyomboy and Nutsy’s direction.

Big mistake. Teyomboy interviews, “Uh, I’m not Alice from The Brady Bunch, sweetie.” True dat! She’s much more like Jo from The Facts Of Life. AmINuts calls out again for Rich-Bitch to wash the steamer when she’s done “relaxing”, and Teyomboy fills her in on RB’s comment. “What a bitch,” grouses Nutsy, “and then she wonder why people think she’s snobby.”…

…la la la la la, she’s not listeniiiiing…

Of course, from Rich-Bitch’s point-of-view, she was just joking, she can’t possibly fathom why anyone would have been irritated or annoyed by her haughty little comment. She grudgingly goes into the kitchen and starts helping clean up (AmINuts and Teyomboy have cleared out by now) and starts bitching to poor Fo Ho about them. “I’m sorry I live in a nice community and you don’t. Can I help where I’m from? No. Just like you can’t where you’re from.”

In her interview she’s once again touting how awesomely wealthy her hometown is, “I feel like I’m so normal in this house, and these girls are just… wack!” I have to giggle at her usage of such an urban slang term as “wack”, I’m sure she picked that one up running the mean streets of Palos Verdes. She’s insisting to Fo Ho that she’s never been mean or rude to the others (cue the selective amnesia!) and “For them to call me a bitch over that, it’s like, immature I guess.”

Nutsy’s been making her way downstairs during this last part and confronts RB in the kitchen (not a wise move in my opinion, the girl is cleaning the knives… you don’t have to be a hardcore bitch from Jersey to know how to stab someone). Rich-Bitch says there’s no point in talking to her. “Then why are you running your mouth?” AmINuts wants to know. RB says she heard them call her a bitch for “absolutely no reason” and insists that when she said they were doing a “good job” cleaning up it was actually meant as a compliment or something, “You knew I was kidding!”…

…because black people looooove to be kidded about being in domestic servitude…

AmINuts ain’t having that and goes off on another tirade, effectively chasing Rich-Bitch out of the kitchen and upstairs, and interviews that RB thinks she’s better than everyone else in the competition, “She’s very arrogant, that’s the perfect word for her.” I can think of a few hundred others that are just as perfect, but my recaps are too long as it is.

Tyra-Mail #1! Teyomboy reads, “Tomorrow you will be molded into a fine piece of Clay” and immediately guesses “We gonna be butt naked.” I’m not sure how she arrived at nudity from the clue, she clearly missed the hint that “Clay” was capitalized… but wouldn’t it be fun if that was the challenge and Clay Aiken had to see them all naked? There’s gotta be inspiration for a song or two in there somewhere. It’ll probably be called “Please Eat A Sammich (And Let It Stay)” or maybe “Bones”.

The next day they take off in the FugMobile to Harlem Stage theatre where Porizkunty is there to greet them. She tries to draw an uneven parallel between acting and modelling, saying that “maybe your boyfriend broke up with you, or maybe your mom is sick” but they will still have to go in and “be 100%” because every day is an audition in modelling… so today they’ll be doing a stage-acting exercise with a partner. Look! Homegirl’s confidence just flew out the window…

…”I am so fucked.”…

Porizkunty is going to bring them up in pairs and give them a phrase, and a one-word direction on how to say the phrase. The first two victims are MeeMaw and AmINuts, and their phrase is “I have never said that to anyone.” AmINuts’ direction is to be “bossy”, which she takes to mean “ready to kill someone”, because her delivery of the phrase is enraged and right in MeeMaw’s face. She looks pleased with herself until Porizkunty makes a face and says it wasn’t bossy, it was threatening. Eh, to-may-to, to-mah-to.

MeeMaw’s direction, on the other hand, was to say it “pitifully”, and perhaps she’s drawing on last week’s faux-apology to Homegirl, cuz she’s stuttering, “I’ve never s-… said that t-… to anyone.” Porizkunty agrees that it was pitiful, but I can’t tell if she means that in a good or bad way.

Next up is Teyomboy and Rich-Bitch, whose phrase is “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Oh, this one’s right up Rich-Bitch’s alley! Teyomboy’s first, though, and her given adverb is “shockingly”. She delivers the line almost exactly like Nutsy did…

…only sexier…

Her blowjobface makes Rich-Bitch smirk, but that’ll be short-lived, because she’s assigned to say the line in a “threatening” manner. You would think with all the threats she’s received from AmINuts in the last week she would have nailed this one to the wall, but she sounds more clueless and whiny than threatening. Teyomboy’s giving her a look that says “Who’s the one smirking now, bitch?” Porizkunty’s not impressed, either, and shrugs, “All right, some of you maybe will be more of, like, beauty models…”, which actually elicits a shocked look from Rich-Bitch. LOL, Porizkunty!

Jesus-Freak and Fo Ho take their turn with “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Handed the same “pitifully” direction as MeeMaw, Jesus-Freak actually gets it right! Fo Ho is asked to also do a “threatening” take, and Porizkunty says “Give me the full effect of your wrath!” Poor Fo, she just gets all finger-pointy and sounds like she’s going to bust out laughing at any second, and that just makes for a Fo-Fail.

Bringing up the rear is Anime-Eyes and Homegirl, who are asked to do “You need to get out of here.” Anime is supposed to be “arrogant” (I’m sure Rich-Bitch is making a cheated howling noise in her big ol’ moonhead right about now) and unsurprisingly, she tanks. “You’re too scared to be arrogant!” observes Porizkunty. She’s not scared, Lady P, that’s just the way she looks!

Even worse, Homegirl is supposed to be “ecstatic”, and instead she just becomes stupidly awkward and high-school giggly, which does not please Miss Porizkunty…

…you shoulda given her “pitifully”…

Trying to show Homegirl how it’s done, P-Po jumps up and down and shouts the line happily (if a trifle dorkily) and gestures to her to do the same. Homegirl just looks embarrassed and stares at her. Porizkunty commands her to jump up and down like she just did. This is what she gets in return…

…woofuckinhoo. …

Lady P makes her do it again, for longer, and now the others are starting to look annoyed that Homegirl is once again sucking up the attention for, well, sucking. After a few more attempts, Porizkunty’s had enough and abandons her, “It’s like trying to jog in mud with you!” Homegirl interviews that she feels bad because she knows she’s letting P-Po down, “I know that she wants more out of me, and I know that I can give it to her, and yet… I’m not.” Well, yay for being so self-aware, but boo for being utterly stupid. Dumbass.

Reassembled for general critique, Porizkunty says most of them did well, but calls out Homegirl for not taking it far enough, “You need to go around being ridiculous…” [and she demonstrates this by pretend-farting and picking her nose] “…you have to stop being just a Prettygirl!” Then she hands them a short script about a has-been model going in for a fitting and tells them to memorize it, because it’s part of today’s challenge.

The girls get to work on their lines, practicing silently and making the kind of gestures I make when I pretend I’m telling my boss I won the lottery and to go fuck herself. Jesus-Freak says she comes from “a family of actors” and knows she’s going to kick butt in this challenge. Everybody’s looking pretty confident… ‘cept for Homegirl…

…”I am so extra fucked.”…

After awhile, Porizkunty calls them all together and tells them they won’t be working these lines with each other. Instead they’re going to be working with someone who has sold “billions of records”, is a part of the Tony Award winning Broadway musical Spamalot and is also a “close personal girlfriend of Tyra’s”… Clay Aiken! Everyone erupts like she just introduced them to Jesus!…

…though I imagine this is what Jesus looks like when He wants to get all dolled up in sequins and rhinestones…

Fo Ho calls him “pretty much a genius” because he’s acting on Broadway. I beg to differ a little, mostly because his “acting” skills were not good enough to keep me from instantly clocking him as a fellow sister-girl (I’ll never forget seeing him in his original American Idol audition when he first opened his mouth to sing and a glittery Chanel handbag fell out). However, I’m sure pretending to be a bitchy wardrobe director is not much of a stretch for him.

Clay says he’s very exsahted and wants to get started. Just so you have a frame of reference, here’s how the story goes:

Has-Been Model: (bitchy and bored) “Hello. Hellooooooo. I have arrived.”
The Gayken: “Yes, are yew mah 2:30?” [clearly genius]
Has-Been Model: (annoyed) “Whatever. I’m here for my fitting, and, uh, make it snappy. My time is money.”
The Gayken: [giggles] “Honey, yew haven’t worked since Morc Jacobs desahgned fer Per-ry El-lisssssss! This idn’t a fitting, this is a go-see, so whah don’tchew trah that dress owon raht there an’ lemme see yer best sa-shay!” [I laughed! I cried!]
Has-Been Model: (shocked and enraged) “How dare you! Do you know who I am? I’ve had more covers than Tyra Banks!”
The Gayken: “Do yew know where yew awrr? This is the House of Aiken De La Clay! Yew will do what ah say… so walk. Nayow!” [I smell an Oscarrrrrr!]

First one up is Miss Fonda Family Of Actors herself, Jesus-Freak, and she does pretty well, considering that this little scene appears to have been written more to showcase Miss Gayken’s talents than the models’. Porizkunty says Jesus-Freak was “expressive enough to register to me, but absolutely and utterly truthful.” That’s a pretty glowing review when you consider she had Clay upstaging her the whole time.

AmINuts goes next, and she’s got the bitchy-bored part down pretty good, but slips back into her shrieky enraged persona (she’s been practicing on MeeMaw and Rich-Bitch back at the house!). Rich-Bitch does not impress, either, cuz Gayken says privately, “Natalie? I got the impression that she had an attitude!”…

…Well, I’d have an attitude, too, if I came home and found this in my closet…

That dress makes him look fat. Anyhow, Teyomboy seems to do okay, but Anime’s her usual timid self and when Gayken commands her to walk, she herky-jerkies her way around the stage. Fo Ho’s take on it is a tad campy, but it looks like she’s having fun, and she gets to touch the Gaykster, which is probably a dream come true for her. Homegirl, on the other hand, is a nightmare, and somebody needs to call a carpenter because she’s a walking, talking block of wood. Privately, Gayken says her problem is laziness and insecurity.

Oh lordy, here comes MeeMaw… and she’s taken it so far over the top that she’d be a shoo-in on a telenovela, with lots of extravagant gestures and overexaggerated acting. Seriously, she makes William Shatner look subtle. Porizkunty says “Celia shocked me! She had a definite comedic flair.” and The Gayken chimes in with “Not a lot of people are comfortable enough to become somebody completely different.” P-Po finishes off with “I just wish she could bring that to her photos.”…

…because we need more photos of her like this…

Time to announce the winner! Today’s prize (besides having been touched the Hand Of Genius that is The Gayken) is $5,000.00 worth of merchandise from Joe’s Jeans! Holy fuck! Even jaded Rich-Bitch can’t suppress making blowjobface over a prize like that! MeeMaw’s even more excited because she thinks she did really well with her overblown silent movie theatrics. And the winner is…. Jesus-Freak!!! MeeMaw not happy…

…her fake smile isn’t much better than the rest of her acting…

Jesus-Freak is ecstatic and screams a little and says out of all the challenges, she’s most proud to win this one because that’s a lot of clothing. Unless Joe’s Jeans cost like $4,999.95 a pair. And with that I think she’s actually committed a pair of the Seven Deadlies, i.e. PRIDE and GREED.

When they get back to the house and return to the Runway Room, they find the gift-certificate for 5 Gs with Jesus-Freak’s name on it, and there’s also a bag of jeans as well. All of the girls are super-jealous of her windfall, especially Miss Rich-Bitch…

…winning “extra frames” sure beats winning “extra clothes”, right Rich-Bitch?…

However, Jesus-Freak decided not to even try any of the jeans on, and graciously offers them up to her roommates (which causes a mad pile-up of bony limbs scrabbling to get their hands on a pair). Privately, Jesus-Freak says that she knew none of the jeans were going to be in her size, because apparently she’s been struggling with weight gain since she got into the house. She’s also worried that it’s going to affect her modelling and possibly get her booted out of the competition. I’m not going to say anything mean about Jesus-Freak for the rest of this recap (swear to God) because her gesture in sharing her good fortune was the first kind and selfless thing I’ve seen any of these girls do in several episodes. Or maybe ever.

Which is why it’s all the more disappointing to me that the rest of the girls completely ignore the obvious fact of why she’s letting them have the jeans and instead stand around trying them on and crowing about how awesome they look (the jeans, not the girls). At least they didn’t offer her a piece of pie or ham or a chocolate-covered butter-stick in return, and actually AmINuts says privately that she knows Jesus-Freak felt badly when the jeans didn’t fit because of her weight gain…

…if this is what passes for “larger” in TyraWorldâ„¢ then I’m a walking land-mass…

Poor thing. Oh well, time for Tyra-Mail #2! AmINuts reads, “Do you play well with others? It’s time to find out.” The girls guess it’s going to be something having to do with men. I think they’re all horny. They better hope Tyra doesn’t play a dirty trick on them and make it a photo shoot with a pile of prison dykes.

Another trip in the FugMobile takes them to a studio on the other side of town (I have no clue where, could be Jersey for all I know) where they walk in to find Cycle 11 winner McKey in the middle of making a Cover Girl commercial. Maybe she should have been at yesterday’s teach, because she sounds just as wooden as Homegirl did. Even better, the girls all scream when they see her and the extra noise ruins the take. Gay-Jay is not pleased…

…”Mouthy bitches!”…

Gay-Jay chastises them for screwing up the end of her commercial and introduces them to Miss McKey while her oddly contorted pictures from last cycle flash by on screen. She’s also there to introduce the girls to a brand new revolutionary Cover Girl foundation that the ladies will be hawking in their very first commercial. Sorry girls, no orgy with the chain-gang lesbians for you today!

After McKey introduces them to the product in an extremely stilted spiel (seriously, she’s terrible, it should not be hard for them to look and sound more natural than her) Gay-Jay explains that they’ll be split up into two groups of four, and each group will have to work together in the commercial (please please please put MeeMaw and Rich-Bitch together with AmINuts and Teyomboy, in Tyra’s name, Gaymen). They’ll have a chance to look at the script while they’re in hair and makeup and they’ll have a TelePrompTer, but Gay-Jay doesn’t want them to rely on it… (HA! Like McKey didn’t just have her eyes glued to that thing a few moments ago!)…

…”Derrrr, uh, what’s a ‘Cover Gril’?”…

My prayers have been partially answered, because Group One is Teyomboy, AmINuts, MeeMaw and Anime-Eyes, and Group Two is Rich-Bitch, Fo Ho, Jesus-Freak and Homegirl. I vote Group One as Most Likely To Spill Blood (which Anime should enjoy). And they’re off to hair and makeup, and they’ve made sure to get lots of shots of the makeup artists using the product they’re plugging today, TRUblend Microminerals Foundationâ„¢. It looks like Trouble-End to me…

…I guess Model #4 is gonna be the one with “bad skin”…

Group One is practicing in the bathroom, and they’re making a lovely hatchet-job of the words “mi-cro-min-er-als”. This is so unfair that they’ve used words above two syllables in the script! Eventually they give up and return to join the others where McKey attempts to engage them in some conversation by asking where they’re from. Of course, after they all tell her their pitiful home states like Kentucky and Louisiana and Texas, Rich-Bitch feels the need to jump in with…

…somebody just smack her, please…

Being from a “hick” state like Illinois, McKey seems a tad put off by Rich-Bitch’s comment, but then again, that’s pretty much just how the girl is. Besides, McKey knocked out three other California Girls to go on and win her cycle, so I doubt she really gives a shit where Rich-Bitch hails from. Or any of them for that matter, she was just under contract obligation to speak to them being polite.

It’s time for Group One to start, and Gay-Jay introduces them to their commercial director Peter Chelkowski, who looks a bit like a muppet crossed with Curious George. At any rate, the main girl will start out having some photographers taking shots of her posing, then “notice” the camera, start delivering the lines while walking over to the mirrors where the other three girls are (walking and talking? at the same time?), then the other three will each say their one line, before they all come together to recite the annoyingly catchy “Easy. Breezy. Beautiful. Cover Girl!” tagline. Sounds fairly simple, right? We’ll see.

MeeMaw’s up first in the lead position, and she actually does a pretty good job, sounding natural and relaxed, and I’m actually pretty impressed, the other deliver their lines smoothly and they’re together on the final tagline. You’d never have guessed what was probably really going through their heads…

…now that’s acting!…

Good ol’ blade-faced Elyssa Starkman (representative for Cover Girl) is back to help Gay-Jay critique (you may remember her from a couple of episodes ago at the Wal-Mart Wall with SlutAnn) and she gave an approving head-bob to this take, which makes MeeMaw get all gooshy inside (and probably pee a little).

Next in line for lead position is Teyomboy. She starts off okay, but then forgets to look at the camera while walking, and then loses her place in the lines. CUT. She tries again, and this time is much better. Her grin is disconcertingly sharklike, though. AmINuts is next, and she bones the lines pretty badly as well. Her second take finds her flubbing the end lines as well. Gay-Jay says Nutsy looks like she’d be so much fun and you want to cast her, but she forgets to be fun when the cameras start rolling. I think she’s just too preoccupied trying to keep her overwhelming urge to strangle MeeMaw with her weave in check. But that sure would make a fun commercial.

Meanwhile, over in hair and makeup, Homegirl’s asking McKey if Cycle 11 had a really “quiet one” in the house, and McKey says that was probably herself. (I can’t remember if this is true or not, i kinda checked out on Cycle 11, any of you superfans that can verify this, please let us know, K?) Homegirl wants to know what advice McKey can give her to help her “break out” of her shell. McKey looks bored with this line of questioning and pretty much trots out the same advice that every single person that has ever come in contact with Homegirl this entire cycle has already given her… stop being afraid and have some confidence.…

…”Now shut up, I need my nap.”…

I can’t say as I blame her for feeling driven to mild retardation by this dull-as-dishrags bunch. Homegirl interviews for the zillionth time that she needs to have more confiden-zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. fbnhvjg Owie! My forehead just bonked the keyboard. I’ll be right back, I’m going to see if I can find a couple of ibuprofen (or some oxycodone).

Back over with Group One, it’s time for Anime-Eyes’ take as the lead model. She winds up letting the photographers take way too many shots of her before starting her lines, to the point where Gay-Jay stops her, “It’s not a photo-shoot, honey, you gotta deliver a line at some point!” When Anime finally does start speaking, she completely ignores the camera and delivers her lines strictly to the back of MeeMaw’s head…

…”You have ear-boogers. Can I touch them?”…

Gay-Jay says Anime was flat and ended the commercial with her same old vacant bunnyface she uses with every other photograph she’s in. Anime interviews “It’s really frustrating because I’m not quite sure how to warp my face!” Girl, that’s easy! Try squinting for a change.

Now that they’re all finished, Group One sits down and OMG they have plates piled high with food again! AmINuts is telling them all they should be on Cloud 9, they did a kick ass job, but Anime’s still unsure of herself and pulls a Homegirl by fishing for compliments from the others, wondering aloud if her shitty take is going to get her sent home. Instead of feeding her platitudes, AmINuts wisely offers, “You don’t know how the other four are going to do.” LOL, Nutsy!

Group Two is practicing in the bathroom now, and Fo Ho’s already butchering her lines. Then she decides making a few faces will help loosen her up…

…this should help…

Rich-Bitch says she’s excited to shoot this commercial for Cover Girl, she really wants to impress Blade-Face, and is super-confident that she will. She immediately screws up her first take on the fourth word, citing “being confused” over what she was supposed to do as her excuse. Please, she barely got a full sentence out before she tripped over herself. Her next take is a little better, but she’s still kind of fakey… and I don’t know if it was on purpose, but at the end she turns her back and sorta excludes Homegirl in the final shot…

…nearly elbowing her in the process…

Gay-Jay says Rich-Bitch’s performance was strictly “average”. Fo Ho’s up next, and while she has a few halting moments over some of the lines, she does okay. At the end of her take, Gay-Jay says to Homegirl that he wants a “little more happy” out of her. Ouch, nothing like getting bad critique when you’re not even the main model in the shot!

Challenge winner Jesus-Freak is up next, and while she sounds pretty good and has no trouble reciting the lines, Blade-Face doesn’t like her delivery, calling it “a little door-to-door salesman”. Gay-Jay chimes in, saying that as soon as they try to sell somebody something, the people watching the commercial will tune out. I have news for you, Jay… A.) The whole point of commercials is to sell us shit, most people are already on to that concept, and it rarely fools them into thinking Cover Girl is providing some kind of important public-service announcement about foundation… and 2.) People tune out most commercials anyhow, using them as a convenient excuse to go pee and get drink refills (and sometimes ice cream)! Or maybe that’s just me.

Jesus-Freak tries again, dialing way back on the used-car-salesman-schtick, but Gay-Jay still thinks she’s too hammy. Jesus-Freak agrees, “I guess I just naturally maybe overact, or, just spice things up a little bit too much.”…

…you make the call…

Those are just five shots from 10 seconds of interview. Moving on, it’s Homegirl’s turn at last, and she claims that memorizing the lines was no problem. Here’s exactly how her take went (in a near-perfect monotone): “The hottest look in m-… minerals? New… true… blend… muhhh-hicrominerals foundation… Superfine minerals an’ specially sh-shaped brush… let you… ch–find your… fine tune your coverage… your way.” As if this wasn’t cringe-worthy enough, we get a lovely reaction shot from Blade-Face…

…”I’m going to get fired.”…

Mercifully, Gay-Jay cuts the scene and asks Homegirl how she thinks it went. Wah wah mad at herself wah wah really studied wah wah tripping over her own tongue wah wah puke. Gay-Jay’s more concerned that she seems to have brought zero spirit and energy to the set, whereas the other girls have it in spades. They try again. It’s a little better, but it doesn’t look so cute that she nearly elbowed Fo Ho out of the way to deliver her final lines. Plus she totally screws the last line, too.

Reality check. Gay-Jay advises Homegirl that the stress of this shoot is nothing compared to real-life modeling work, “It’s hard until the day you decide you no longer want to be a part of it.” Somehow I think that day is rapidly approaching for Homegirl. And thankfully that’s a wrap!

Tyra-Mail #3! “Somebody sucked really hard today and will have their dreams crushed into a fine micro-mineral powder tomorrow. Sleep well.” MeeMaw and Anime-Eyes are discussing the day, and MeeMaw feels like her take was the best out of everybody. Sadly, she may be right. Anime’s still scared that her same-face comment is going to be the “kiss of death” for her. Not-so-sadly, she may also be right…

…far better actors than all of Cycle 12…

It’s time for the Judges Panel! Tyra correctly counts the remaining girls at 8 and introduces the judges, ending with todays super-special guest judge, La Gayken…

…”Kin ah sing nayow, Tahruh?”…

Making sure to stroke Clay’s ego (since that’s all he’d ever let her stroke) Ty-Ty mentions that his debut album was the highest selling solo-artist release in 10 years. What that has to do with him being a credible judge of modelling is lost on me, and probably the rest of the judges. I think he’s busy trying to catch Sex-God’s eye and/or playing BusyFingers under the table with Nigel’s crotch.

First one to see her finished take is MeeMaw, and it’s even better than the one we saw earlier. Sex-God says it’s not bad, and Porizkunty tells her she has a natural talent, and mentions how gosh-darn funny she was in the previous day’s exercise with Clay, who also pipes up with how impressed he was in her ability to “create a character”. Did we see the same commercial? I thought it was nice she didn’t stumble over her lines or bumble into the other girls, but I wasn’t exactly moved to tears by her incredible pathos or anything. Plus, everybody else was horrible, so I’m sure she’s winning this one.

However, I knew I could count on Tyra to completely skewer the whole MeeMaw love-fest when she tells her, “Remember the client. So, this client has a little bit more of a youth and a brightness? Because when you walked up to the other girls I felt like you were like, the auntie and they were your nieces!” Ouch! Upon hearing this, Miss J.Moe lets out an involuntary “Ohhhhh.” and MeeMaw manages to look even older as her ego rapidly deflates…

…still, chicken-neck is damned sexy to some people…

Having thoroughly cleaned MeeMaw’s clock, Tyra moves on to Teyomboy’s take. She does okay, but Sex-God notices right away how much she’s squinting when she smiles real big, citing there being a big difference between being “photogenic” and “telegenic”. Ty-Ty also thought her beginning model poses were too harsh and weird, and with that they send her back to the fold.

Anime-Eyes is next, and before they even begin, Miss J.Moe calls her out on having worn the same Bill Cosby 80′s sweater-dress she has on to a previous Judges Panel. I didn’t know this was such a sin, but apparently you do not do that on America’s Next Top Model…

…especially when it’s just as fug the second time around…

Tyra jumps on her, too, saying if she just had jeans and a tank on every week that it would be okay because that’s “general clothes”, but when you’re “making a fashion statement” and you wear the same thing again “it’s like Groundhogs Day!” (I love that she made it plural) Miss J.Moe suggests that Anime and Teyomboy change clothes when the judges begin deliberation.

Now that they’ve jumped all over her for that, let’s see her commercial! It runs, and she didn’t forget any of the words, but when it’s over with Ty-Ty says while she looked cute and fun, “You sounded like you were giving me punishment ‘cuz I didn’t do my homework!” Oooo-weeee! The Gayken wades in to say that it was the loudest he’d heard Anime speak since he met her, and it was certainly better than the exercise the day before. Sex-God reminds her of the critique he gave last week, that she’s giving the exact same face again and again and again…

…and even right now!…

She scurries back towards the others and AmINuts comes forward to see how her best take came out. Uh-oh, her “best” take included a fuck-up on one of her early lines, and when she gets to the final line her diction flees and it sounds like she says “No matter how much coverage you chew…” Not cute. Tyra says that Teyomboy stole the commercial out from under her, and Miss J.Moe calls out her mispronouncing “choose” as “chew”.

Time for the challenge winner, Jesus-Freak! She’s wearing that stupid headband thing again, but they let it slide. I thought she did a decent job, but Sex-God says he thought it was “slouchy and sloppy” and that her posture was “defeatist”. Even more laughable, Ty-Ty thought she saw a ghetto-like hardness, “I saw, ‘Yo! You wanna buy dis foundation? You wanna buy dis makeup? Yo, den you know you needa jus’ git it! KnowhaI’msayin’, it like takes yo grease off’n'stuff y’knowhaI’msayin?” Jesus-Freak looks absolutely dumbfounded…

…and so does her headband…

This is a total crap critique because she didn’t sound anything like that at all. Even worse, out of the blue Porizkunty says in her bitchiest tone “You know what? Don’t wear these shorts. That’s not becoming.” and the camera zooms in on her so-not-fat-ass…

…for realsies, one of my butt-cheeks is bigger than this…

Way to go, Tyra & Co.! I remember how funny Tyra thought it was a couple years ago when the tabloids got ahold of those unflattering photos of her in that fug brown one-piece. I guess on ANTM it’s okay to be a “plus-size” if you already come that way like Portlie… you’re just not allowed to get that way. To her credit, Jesus-Freak just turns the other cheek, says “Okay.” and goes back to bovinely stand like the cow amongst gazelles that she has apparently become.

Speaking of cows, it’s Rich-Bitch’s turn, and she tells Ty-Ty she thinks she did good. Let’s see! Stiff. Boring. Awkward. Moon-faced. That’s just my opinion. You can tell Rich-Bitch is so entranced by how amazingly awesome she is that she’s doing everything but mouthing the lines along with her on-screen image. Better still is the face Jesus-Freak is making while watching RB’s inflatable dolly-like performance…

…”Fat ass or not, I wasn’t this bad.”…

Tyra agrees, and says how cute Jesus-Freak looked, she totally stole Rich-Bitch’s commercial! The Gayken realizes he needs to make at least one more comment about someone, so he tells RB, “Mah only real note was that ah didn’t see yew really relatin’ t’the three of them, yew know, they said a lahn an yew just were lahk, ‘Ok lemme keep lookin’ at this prompter so ah don’t miss mah place.’!” Ty-Ty delivers the coup de grâce saying that while Rich-Bitch looked pretty and hit all her marks, “I don’t remember you!”

Miss J.Moe starts jumping up and down saying he remembers her! Rich-Bitch gets a huge grin on her face. Then he says he remembers her being stiff in her shoulders and she didn’t hold the product properly and her smile dies. Tyra says she needs to work on her flirtiness and sends her back to the huddle of bleeding and bruised girls.

Let’s see how our li’l Fo Ho fared. Pretty bad, she was a total mushmouth and the mortification over blowing the lines showed all over her face. Ty-Ty said she sounded like a scratching DJ making wikki-wikki-wikki-wikkies on the wheels of steel. Sex-God also says that Homegirl looked great in Fo’s commercial, and Porizkunty actually agrees, and thinks it’s the best she’s done yet! Too bad they forgot this was supposed to be Fo Ho’s critique.

Saving the worst for last, it’s Homegirl’s turn, and she readily admits to Tyra that she knows she struggled with her takes. At least they got a clean run of the lines, she didn’t screw them up or stop, but her face is totally uncomfortable and says she’s ready to pee down her own leg. This time they say how nice Fo Ho looked in her commercial. Payback is a bitch, huh?…

…”Ok, it was funny when you did it to her…”…

Sex-God says they should have swapped roles, and that it means they’re both “background”. He goes even further by saying she looked mean and angry, and Miss J.Moe quips, “You looked like when Moses parted the Red Sea that you were on the other side fishing… that’s how old you looked!” The Gayken and Porizkunty both lose their shit and start laughing uproariously, while Homegirl’s face crumples and falls. Wow, I guess Clay thinks just because he grew his hair out on the sides that no one else remembers his rather unfortunate “jughead” days…

…lest we forget…

…and if she looked so old, then wasn’t that the stylist’s or Gay-Jay’s fault? Fuck me sideways with a chain-saw, I’ll never understand these so-called critiques. Tyra gets back to reality saying that Homegirl actually looks the most like what Cover Girl wants “it’s just what’s coming out of your mouth is not what they like.” And with her ass-reaming completed, she limps back towards the other girls, and Ty-Ty dismisses them.

Let’s start the hatin’ and deliberatin’!…

MeeMaw: “has great fashion sense” and “probably did best in the commercial” but that’s not saying much because “they all were so damn horrible.” Word.
Teyomboy: “fantastic in pictures” but “in person, I just don’t get it.”
Anime-Eyes: “looks like an adorable little doll” but “there’s no personality.”
Fo-Ho: “I can see her as an actress more than I can a model” but “her nerves are getting the best of her.”
Homegirl: “so beautiful in photographs and the camera loves her” but “she does not love the camera.”
Jesus-Freak: “has a beautiful face” but “she’s gone all pear-shaped.” Grrrrr.
AmINuts: “she looked angry, the whole thing was just a mess” and “it’s not her medium.”
Rich-Bitch: “she looked fabulous” and “I was thrilled she could smile” but “she needs to give more emotion.”

They bring the girls back in, and Anime and Teyomboy have switched clothes so as not to further offend the judges! Before giving them the results, Tyra has some sobering news: “I have to tell you that you as a group have performed so weak… you should have heard the judges deliberating, it was dreadful… but one of you stood out!” And the winner with tonight’s best screengrab from their commercial? No surprise, it’s MeeMaw…

…hooray for old people…

She’s followed by a smirking Rich-Bitch, a grinnin’ squinty-eyed Teyomboy, a curtseying Fo Ho, a not-really-fat Jesus-Freak, and an elocution-challenged AmINuts (Tyra actually makes her say the word “choose” properly before giving her the picture). This leaves us with Anime and Homegirl.

After reviewing their respective faults (“one face” versus “lack of camera-love”) the one going home tonight… is Homegirl. It’s quite clear that she’s totally ready to leave, because she doesn’t look at all shocked or dismayed and there are no tears. In her exit interview she admits that her timidity is probably what did her in, but says she was shocked to come as far as she did, and feels like she achieved her aim of becoming a role-model in somebody’s eyes.

And there it is! What did you think of this episode? Did they all suck mud, or what? Was Clay Aiken a *snort* useful judge of their skills? Could Rich-Bitch be any more snooty if she tried (or is she actually trying?) Are you glad to see Homegirl go back home? I have to be honest, I kinda am, I’m sick of hearing about her self-esteem issues, and her being a burn-survivor has short-circuited a buttload of jokes, which makes me cranky.

I have to warn you guys now that next week’s actual episode recap is going to be a little late because it’s Gay Pride here in Phoenix, and I’ll be spending the weekend dancing for drag-queens and sweating in the near 90′s weather we’ll be having. However, there is a Cycle 12 rewind episode (with “never before seen footage”) that I’ll be working on before that so there’ll be a little something to tide us all over until then.

love, J-Mo