America’s Next Top Model: Remixed, Reworked, Restyled and Remodeled

¡Buenos Nachos, mijas y mijos! Can you believe we’re halfway done with this cycle already? If you’ve been actually watching the show, I’m sure you’ve had a few moments here and there where you had to wonder to yourself “What in the blue fuck just happened? That shit made no sense!” (and like me, you probably said it to yourself most often during the completely insane critique sessions at the Judges Panel). Well, it’s lucky for us they have some “unseen footage” to share with us that might shed some light on some things…

…and our favorite crazybitch Queenie is baaaaack!…

Normally I hate “clip-shows” that just recycle the cycle, but there are actually a few tidbits on this “rewind” episode of America’s Next Top Model that you might find interesting, especially in regards to some of the editing that a few of these people received (Queenie herself has a royal revelation you won’t want to miss) so let’s take a brief journey back into time after the jump…Already this cycle we’ve been privy to the Battle of the Go-Desses (I still miss you, Hood-Rat!), Wars of Walking the Runway, and who could forget the Big-Ass Backstabbing Bitchfest? Ahhh, good times.

Remember back in Las Vegas when we were first treated to Anime-Eyes’ anime eyes?…

…”Bloooooood! I vaaaant your bloooooood!”…

*sigh* I had so many hopes for this girl to be a giant wack-job creeping out all the other girls in the house by stealing their used tampons for playtoys. Instead, she’s become a (mostly) sweet nice girl whose wild ocularity has been totally tamed by makeup!

Ah, but someone who did deliver on their first impression was our beloved Hood-Rat Angelea, who definitely had no shortage of (seriously misplaced) self-assuredness, “Dese girls ain’t bringin‘! I’ve got dat confidence. Dey’re skerd and dey’re intimidatet by me! I woulbe too, if I was dem lookin’ aa me, shoot!”…

…In Memory Of Hood-Rat: Episode 1 – Episode 1…

It seems as though Hood-Rat’s feud with the O.G. (Original Go-Dess) Queenie really kicked into high gear right after they met with Tyra for the first time and Queenie jumped in front of her to get Ty-Ty’s attention. Later on, most of the girls were sitting around chatting and getting to know one another when out of the blue Hood-Rat threw down her Ho-Length-Lee-Press-On Gauntletâ„¢! “I’m sittin’ up here, right? Y’all sittin’ here actin’ like dis is juss buddy-buddy type-friend all-type, y’knowhaI’msayin’?” No, I don’t have a fucking clue what you’re sayin’, but i loooove the way you say it, girl!

Queenie jumped in saying “It’s not about friendships, sweetie.”, which only served to put her in Hood-Rat’s cross-weaves, “No, you rubbed me de wrong way when we wuz out there! You rubbed me de wrong way!” Oooh, Queenie had stood up and actually told Hood-Rat to “Talk. To. The. Hand.” I didn’t know anybody even said that anymore! How 90′s! Even better, Hood-Rat actually slapped her hand down (instead of talking to it as directed)!

In one of her first interviews, Rich-Bitch calls them both catty, and says “I knew Angelea was gonna back herself up because she’s definitely the girl I could kinda tell who doesn’t take any stuff from anyone.”…

…especially not hair and makeup tips…

For everyone who thought MeeMaw was unfairly branded a tattler, here’s an intriguing scene that we never got to see. It seems her first time in front of the panel in Vegas she was very free with her opinions and judgments regarding the other girls. To be fair, Ty-Ty was totally egging her on, but here’s what she had to say about her competition:

Hood-Rat: “She needs a makeover… starting here.” [wiggles fingers] She goes on to interview that the first words out of Angelea’s mouth to her were “If you cross me, I’ll cut you.” Well, why do you think she keeps them nails so long?

Anime-Eyes: “Doe eyes. Big lips. Not much personality, but we could work on that.”

Rich-Bitch: “So tall, thin, beautiful… borrrr-ing!”

Queenie: “She gets up on that runway… I’m like, ‘Girl, what are you doing? Have you not been practicing this since you were like, in the fetus? No? Really? I have!’”…

…”and I haven’t been a fetus for fifty or sixty years!”…

I’m not saying that any of the shit she was talking was wrong… most of it was dead-on… but I think it sheds an interesting light on why she may have (mistakenly) felt that it she had carte-blanche to speak her mind to Tyra last week.

Queenie also continued to make enemyships with the others during their photo-shoot by pushing past the other girls and hogging mirror time, which set off Prom-Queen Nijah, of all people! At one point Queenie even told her “Shut your mouth!”, to which Prom-Queen responded “Oh no, let’s not go there!”…

…Queenie must be one talented mega-bitch if she can make placid Prom Queen get like this!…

Nijah always seemed so sweet and boring, where was all this feisty fire from her while she was on the show? We’ll get back to that, but right now, remember how when they first got to New York City and they met up with Sex-God and Porizkunty on top of the Empire State Building, and Sex-God handed the keys of the house to MeeMaw, and nobody knew why? Well, it turns out that they had a “visual scavenger hunt” in which the girls were handed a few quarters to use on the pay-per-viewfinders, and a list of three fascinating questions, such as:

#1.) How many eagles are visible on the Chrysler Building?…

…which would have been my answer…

#2.) How many bridges are in Manhattan?…

…here’s a hint: they’re those long road-y things over the water with lots of cars on them…

#3.) If you drop a penny from the top floor of the Empire State Building and it hits someone on the head below, will it kill them?…

…Fo Ho was hoping Bernie Madoff might have been walking by…

Okay, I made that last one up, they actually asked something about what was going on in Bryant Park right that moment. I would have answered “cocksucking” but I’d have only gotten partial credit. Anyhow, since MeeMaw has lived in New York for the last two years, she got all the questions right and that’s why she was handed the keys to the house. Whew! Now we can all get some sleep tonight!

MeeMaw is so impressed by her awesome win (and the amazing prize that she gets to choose first from twelve identical twin beds) that she crows “It is like I have won America’s Next Top Model… I’m not even joking!” I’m sure she’s not.

Then the girls get to check out their Upper East Side digs, and AmINuts is positively gushing with praise, “I never thought that I would be in a house so beautiful, and actually get to live, and eat here, and sleep, and then wake up, take a dump…”…

…Taking a dump indoors? Now that’s fancy-livin’!…

When the girls first gather in the Runway Room they’re all chatting and Jessica La Flaca asks which of them are not in college currently. Prom Queen says she’s not, prompting Queenie to ask her if she’s a “dropout”. PQ says no, she never went, and Queenie comes back with “Aren’t you plus-sized, too?” Oooooh! In a deadly tone, Prom Queen tells her no, and Queenie responds with “Are you like in the middle, or…?” The other girls’ mouths are dropping open, and PQ repeats that she is not plus-sized. Portlie wonders if Queenie is truly evil or if she’s just completely tactless. Finally, Prom Queen’s had enough and stands up to announce (mostly for Queenie’s benefit) that the reason she hasn’t been to college is because she just graduated high-school in 2008.

Queenie doesn’t like that very much and interviews that Nijah is a bitch, and that “she’s too fat and she has, like, stretch marks.” Later on, Prom Queen confronts her saying if she wants to know stuff about her there are better ways to ask than being nasty and rude, and I love that she’s torturing Queenie with her delicious bagel sammich while they talk…

…I think a certain somebody from Kenya is awfully hongry…

And hey, did you know, back when she was still flying her freak-flag, Anime-Eyes actually used to do artwork during their downtime???…

…is it just me, or does that look like a bedraggled beat-up Tyra?…

Wouldn’t it be eerie if perhaps Anime had psychic powers like that guy on Heroes who can draw the future? Anyhow, we don’t really need to rehash the so-called “drama” of the makeovers, both MeeMaw and Fo Ho are boring criers. However, apparently AmINuts and Teyomboy loved their makeovers so much that when they got back to the house they decided to put on a “special” runway show for the other girls, and their true Joisey-Goil-ey-ness came out…

…check out MeeMaw’s horrified expression in the bottom of the shot…

Most of the girls just laugh and giggle along, enjoying the fun of it all (perhaps a couple of them are even turned on)… except, of course, Queenie, who interviews that AmINuts and Teyomboy should not become America’s Next Top Model because they don’t “act like ladies”…

…because “ladies” industriously go prospecting for green gold on TV…

She quickly realizes what she just did and apologizes to America for having picked her nose on TV (Ha! Like that’s the worst of the dreck that the CW trots out for our viewing pleasure!) Besides, I think she more urgently owes America an apology…

…for attempting to revive the Bobby Brown Gumby Cut…

Hey, remember how AmINuts, MeeMaw and Queenie won that fabulous sparkle-glitter mascara challenge at the Amazing Wall O’ Mart, and their prize was to have their photo taken together and put on WalMart.com? No, really, they did. I’m not kidding, that was the prize. Anyhow, here’s how it turned out…

…like a big bony bitchy Hatred Oreoâ„¢…

Even better, at the end of the shoot, as an extra-special super bonus prize, they got to cadge a bunch of l.e.i. clothes from Wal-Mart. No, really, they did. Armfuls and armfuls of them. Try wearing that shit to Judges Panel and you too can watch your own head tumble down off your smoking neck-stump.

We haven’t heard much about Rich-Bitch, and that’s because apparently all she does (when she’s not busy shilling for the Palos Verdes Chamber Of Commerce and looking down on everybody else) is sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. MeeMaw thought it would be super-funny if the producers made a montage of Sleeping Rich-Bitch around NYC and the world. So they did…

…MeeMaw’s idea of cutting-edge humor…

…sometimes there’s a reason shit doesn’t actually make it onto the show. Those cut-and-paste jobs are worse than mine (and I’m stuck using MS Paint for all my stupid little pics!) See what happens when MeeMaw gets put in charge?

I also was not aware that the enterprising trio of MeeMaw, Anime-Eyes and Portlie came up with an idea to market their own America’s Next Top Bird Feeder (patent pending) made out of a cardboard box and hung with dental floss outside one of the windows (they helpfully printed the words “Welcome birds” on the inside). Okay, that was super-lame (and I hope that it draws a bunch of birds that will shit on them as they leave their house every day) but the reason I absolutely had to mention it was because of what MeeMaw was wearing during this segment…

…I fuckin’ knew she had a pair of Granny Glasses!…

All she needs now is to have them on a beaded chain (so she won’t lose them) and to wear them slightly askew all the time and she’s got my actual MeeMaw down! Oh yeah, and she needs to smoke a lot and complain about everything and fart loudly once in a while, too.

Things must be soooo boring in that house, because one day Jesus-Freak, Portlie, Anime-Eyes and MeeMaw decided to have a fake-crying competition…

…Jesus-Freak wept!…

Of course, Jesus-Freak won because of her actual acting abilities. They should have had a stigmata competition, then she could have really shown how holy she is. And Anime would have had an orgasm. On the real crying front, of course, we had Fo Ho and her earth-shattering butch-cut…

…she must have seen MeeMaw in her Granny Glasses, too!…

At the Blondes Pose-Off Challenge with Benny Ninja, it seems our girl Teyomboy had a particularly graceful runway exit…

…Oooooh, Teyomboy faw down go boom…

However, girlfriend got right back up, gave a pose and continued on her way. After the competition, the creepy Blondes gave the posing winner MeeMaw the choice to either keep the dress she was already wearing, or she could snatch a dress from off one of the other girls. We all know that she kept the one she had on (and wore it incessantly for the next week until it stank like stale Diet Coke and Correctol, and tried to run away on it’s own) but what we didn’t get to see was when Phillipe Blond (the drag queen of the pair) told her she had done so well that she could “pick a friend to keep their outfit, also.”

Wow, that was pretty generous of them! So it’s kind of surprising when MeeMaw gets a huge toothy grin and suggests “I could either snatch two for myself or pick a friend to keep theirs?” After being taken aback for a moment, Benninja and the Blondes are impressed, “Oooooh, that’s bitchy!” giggles Phillipe-As-Titless-Madonna…

…with an ever-so-slight peen-bump shadow…

Jeez, Phillpe, duct tape is like $2.99 a roll. Anyhow, MeeMaw winds up choosing Anime’s fabulous purply-sparkle dress as her other outfit (good choice). Of course, Queenie has to weigh in, “Celia knows that she could talk Allison into doing what she wants, so you know she picked Allison because she wants to be greedy and just have both dresses for herself!” Sour sparkly-grapes much? Like Queenie wouldn’t have done the exact same thing (that is, if she could pose worth a shit).

When they get back to the house, the two new besties try each other’s dresses on and giggle a lot, and Anime even gives MeeMaw a compliment… “You have a great skeleton!” to which MeeMaw replies, “Thanks! I’ve been working on it!”…

…bone-is envy…

Anime says she’s in love with MeeMaw, MeeMaw says Anime is the “epitome” of love and harmony. The other girls start calling them “Frick and Frack” and “Thing 1 and Thing 2″ and “Dumb and Dumber”. They should have started calling them “Harold and Maude”.

After revisiting the whole MeeMaw-Tattles-On-Homegirl-To-Save-Portlie drama, followed by the AmINuts-And-Teyomboy-Go-Off-On-Anime-And-Rich-Bitch catfight, it turns out that Queenie wasn’t exactly sitting on the sidelines, either! Instead of yelling at the unrelated parties (like Nutsy and Teyomboy inexplicably chose to do) she goes right for MeeMaw: “You know how I feel about this whole thing? It’s none of your business.”

…it’s none of Jesus-Freak’s business, either, so she just sits there looking all bemused and Kate Winslet-y…

Of course, MeeMaw insists it is her business when Homegirl was taking up valuable space in the house that could have been saved for Portlie, her lame jokes and poor modelling skills. Queenie doesn’t buy it, and repeats “It was just none of your business. The only person that should have said something was Kortnie.” Well, she had a good argument up until that point.

Anime immediately points out the fact that Queenie’s contradicting herself, if it was nobody’s business but Homegirl’s, why would it have been okay for Portlie to say anything? Queenie shouts that it just shouldn’t have been MeeMaw, and Anime says she doesn’t have to raise her voice, to which Queenie replies “I do have to raise my voice ‘cuz it’s not getting through your head!”

…it’s certainly piercing through mine…

Anime interviews that she doesn’t understand Queenie sometimes, “She just wants to come off like she’s dumb… maybe it’s just the language issue?” Ouch, isn’t that a tad below the belt, Anime? Besides, Queenie certainly has learned her SpringerSpeakâ„¢ because she’s telling Anime “Do not go there with me!” Of course, Anime is egging her on by coming back with smartass literalisms like “I don’t know where I’m going.” which has the intended effect of enraging Queenie further, “Do not go there, ‘cuz I’m not the one that you play with!”

MeeMaw gets in on the ESL-bashing, too, claiming in her interview that “The second you start rushing your words, or using bigger language, she goes crazy, like, she starts malfunctioning.” Now, Queenie’s in MeeMaw’s face, telling her “You are twenty-five years old… twenty-five! You act so so immature! Grow up!” MeeMaw is laughing at her in her interview and saying she can’t even fight or argue with her because she’s just “dumbfounded”. Funny, I understood her perfectly well: she was telling you that you’re the oldest one there and you act the most grade-schoolish…

…like one of the fucking Von Trapp kids from hell…

Downstairs, the Unholy Trinity of MeeMaw, Anime-Eyes and Rich-Bitch are still making fun of Queenie. Anime’s acting stupid, saying “I’ve been so nice to Sandra, and it’s like, she’s in my face ‘You don’t wanna go there!’ and I was like, ‘Where am I going?’” Cut the literal shit, Anime, they carry the Jerry Springer show in Louisiana, you knew exactly what she meant by that.

MeeMaw’s also making a bitchy mimicry of Queenie for chiding her about her advanced age when Queenie catches them red-handed in their shit-talking session and calls them out on it from the stairs. MeeMaw denies it (what?) but turns right around and reminds her of the “You’re twenty-five!” incident, which just makes Queenie repeat “Yeah, because I feel like you are immature for your age.” and she walks off…

…as the mature girls snarf up Lucky Charms from the box for dinner…

Anime wearily interviews that it’s tough for her to talk to Queenie on a “human level” because “She doesn’t seem to grasp any situation, really.” and goes on to say “Sandra makes me lose hope when I talk to her.” Ugh. HATE. Granted, I make fun of Queenie’s odd pronunciation from time to time, but all their bitchy little superiority-tripping bullshit is just a little too Cruel Intentions for my taste. Plus, as always, I hate it when they force me side with Queenie.

Enough of that shit, remember when Titsccara joined the girls for their superfun slumber-party? Well, it turns out that Queenie had a bit of a breakdown in the middle of it all. When they asked Titsccara what her first impressions of them were, she pointed out that Queenie seemed closed-off and that she wasn’t expressing herself fully, at which point Queenie says “I just feel like I’m misunderstood, ‘cuz like in middle school I was, like, picked on a lot, and it was really hard because…” and suddenly she’s bawling hysterically! “Like, I was picked on a lot and I feel like I need to stand up for myself!” Titsccara rushes in to give her a sisterly hug…

…while skeptical glances fly about the room…

AmINuts isn’t moved by Queenie’s sudden emotional outburst, “We were all picked on! Like, give me a break!” and says she feels like Queenie herself has been a bully in the house and needs to calm down. Good point, it’s not like Queenie hasn’t done her share of picking on the other girls (Hood-Rat, Prom Queen, MeeMaw, etc.) and I think they may suspect that she was performing for Titsccara. If so, then she just beat the shit out of Jesus-Freak for the title of Best Fake-Crier.

However, after she got eliminated for not being able to emote “cocaine on the face” well enough, there is a segment of her exit interview that was completely different from the bitchy-pissed-off hellcat one we saw on the show. Sounding genuinely sad she says “I’m disappointed. I’m going to miss being around the girls, even though I never really talked to a lot of them. I feel like I was more, like, caught up with the whole competition thing and less caught up about getting to make friends. I guess I should have been… you know, the other way around.”…

…”but then I would have been totally boring.”…

Awwwww, I guess her heart grew three sizes that day! This makes me wonder if this was her original exit interview, and perhaps Tyra & Co. deemed it to be too lackluster and made her film the other one where she went out on a delusional tirade. I wouldn’t put it past ‘em.

I won’t put you all off of your lunches by showing you the inevitable “messy-house montage” (full of rotting fruit and tons of discarded hair-weave on the floor) so let’s go in the other direction and talk about the amazingly awesome treat that Cycle 11 winner McKey gave to the girls on the set of last week’s Cover Girl commercial…

…CAKE!!!!!…

OMG, I fucking love cake, and now I think I’m in love with McKey. It looks like I’m not the only one, because AmINuts has quite a strong reaction to her as well, telling her “I’ma tell you something… I don’t really like chocolate, but for you, I will so eat it… I’m serious!” McKey tells her the cake does have some vanilla layering in it as well, and the thought of all that chocolate and vanilla mixed together in sweet luscious gooeyness makes Nutsy even more excited… “Oh, that’s perfect!”

Privately she interviews, “She makes your heart melt ‘cuz she’s soooo sweet and she’s soooo nice.” In front of McKey, Nutsy seems to be having trouble keeping her shit together, “I’m kinda nervous a little bit, you made my upper lip sweat… that’s a compliment!” McKey giggles just as nervously, “Ohhhh yay… heh heh.”…

…I’m telling you, cake-love is nothing to fool with, McKey…

AmINuts is just going on and on, “The girl is beautiful, like uhhhhhhhhhhhh beautiful, the girl is just baaaad.” Heyyyy, she forgot to finish with “The girl is dan-geroussss!” Soooo, did Nutsy just come out of the closet here? You make the call.

Otherwise, everything else here was just a rehash of the eliminations of Perky Isabella, Jessica La Flaca, Prom Queen Nijah, Portlie Kortnie, Queenie Sandra and Homegirl Tahlia and here’s what we’re left with…

…a big bucket of black’n'white blah…

I’m hoping things will kick up a few notches as the competition gets closer to the end, aren’t you? Thanks for joining me on this “Cycle 12 Rewind” I hope you had as much fun with it as I did (peel off a couple of your fingernals and you’ll be close!) I’ll be back in a few more days with the new episode recap and hopefully a photo of me with Deborah Cox!

love, J-Mo