America’s Next Top Model: Nobody Loves A Big Fat Ass (Except Me)

Welcome once again fellow fashion fans! Thank you for your patience while I was off having a fabulous time dancing and sweating in the sudden 100-degree heat-wave that hit Phoenix this past weekend… but on the plus side, some guy came up and told my drag-queen friend that his favorite dancer out of the six of us was “the big fat white one”, so it’s good to know that us fatties still have some fans out there…

…whereas Tyra only likes fat things that she can grab hold of and make noise with…

…but alas, on tonight’s episode of America’s Next Top Model there was no chubby-chasin’ love to be found, and in fact, not even Jesus could save His most devoted disciple from the beat-down that was administered by a certain plastic-faced pixie-pop with purplish hair. I think in honor of tonight’s ode to the American obsession with ass-size I will split a Sara Lee poundcake with my boyfriend (and then hit him over the head and polish off his half, too, before he regains consciousness). If you can hoist it, let’s jump (maybe we’ll break something)!We start off with Anime-Eyes whining to MeeMaw that she doesn’t understand how she winds up looking the same in all of her pictures, “It’s very difficult for me to sort of distort my face to make it look so different because I have some features that are really distinct.” Really? We hadn’t noticed, Squinty. MeeMaw tries to be helpful, telling her, “Your eyes are already so expressive… like, all you have to do is like move your muscles, you know?” Wow, that’s some good advice, MeeMaw! Maybe next you can tell her how she can breathe better by inhaling and exhaling! Then MeeMaw sails on over into TMI-Landâ„¢ when she says “For me, like, I literally have to, like, think of sex to get, like, a good picture.”…

…the only muscles Anime’s moving now are the abdominals used to suppress vomiting…

Ugh, me too. Meanwhile (contrary to her previous denials) Teyomboy’s playing Alice from the Brady Bunch and sweeping up the bedroom floor while telling AmINuts “Yeah, that panel was a little nervousy for everybody, ‘cuz ain’t nobody get ‘Oh, you did well.’…” and we flash back to the dismal Cover-Hurl commercials these boobs tried to make last week in which they all pretty much sucked microminerals.

Nutsy’s insisting in confessional that “I really do believe that I have it… [meaning Top Modellyness, I guess] … I just didn’t show it when the time was needed.” And therein lies the problem with all of them, I guess they’re waiting for their engraved invitations to the dance before they bust out with their best moves.

Tyra-Mail #1! AmINuts reads, “A top model knows how to be direct.” Teyomboy guesses “Direct! Play! Git it?”…

…I don’t think Fo Ho does…

Teyomboy says she’s crossing her fingers, toes and butt-cheeks (owie!) that this clue also somehow means they’re going to get to go abroad somewhere. She must be thinking “direct flight” or something.

Later on MeeMaw’s asking Jesus-Freak about her “street preaching” career and wanting to know how that works exactly. “Whenever I go and approach somebody I feel like it’s the Holy Spirit that’s in me, and Jesus speaks through me even though, they’re like, my words.” Hmmmm, that’s pretty convenient, I think I’ll use that excuse the next time I go off on a hapless Burger King employee for not getting my order right (i.e. “Jesus already told you I wanted my onion rings to be King-sized, you godless heathen!”)

Jesus-Freak goes on to say that while she’s been in the House of Hell she’s really tried to keep her relationship with God at “110%” by having confidence in Him and not doubting Him because she knows “He’s the reason that I’m here!”…

…”No, I’m not crazy, the Holy Spirit told Tyra to cast me!”…

Perhaps she should have prayed harder for Jesus to crank her metabolism up to 110% instead. Anyhow, the next morning the girls are up and off to some unnamed studio to meet up with Gay-Jay for their day’s challenge, and he’s explaining to them that his job as “creative director” on the photo shoots involves “everything that falls under the creative umbrella” including hair, makeup, lighting, styling and subtly sabotaging those that Tyra has no use for.

Why is he blabbing about how important he is (other than to desperately retain some sense of relevance to the show)? Well, their challenge today is for each of the girls to temporarily become “creative director” of the shoot, they’ll each be paired up with another girl and have to pick out her clothes, determine lighting and posing and tell the makeup and hair people what kind of styling to perform. Judging by their faces, I can only imagine the thought bubbles percolating through the girls’ heads at this moment…

…way to get excited there, Rich-Bitch…

There to help Gay-Jay judge the challenge (and score yet another plug for her employer) is once again editor-in-chief of Seventeen Magazine, Ann “The Schnoz” Shoket! Yay for Ol’ Scoopy-Nose! She comes breezing out to tell the girls they’ll be modelling clothes from South Pole Juniorâ„¢, which is shocking to me because I actually have some clothes by their daddy-brand, South Pole Senior (for Fat Assesâ„¢)!

AmINuts is also suitably impressed, having grown up wearing South Pole fashions herself (which The Schnoz calls “a very important designer in the street-wear industry.”) and Nutsy believes that her familiarity with the clothing line will give her a big leg up and she’s going to “rock it out”. I think this means she’s heading for an epic fail. Schnozzie finishes by telling them the client would like the feel of the photo-shoot to be “street-style… with attitude!” and she demonstrates what that means…

…sadly, I think Gay-Jay has way more attitude in his fey little pinky than Ann does in her hip-swang…

The winner of today’s challenge gets to be in an editorial fashion spread in the June issue of Seventeen! Spontaneous orgasms all around, and Fo Ho says even a teensy-weensy blurb in Seventeen “gets you far” so she’s dying to win. I think she’s probably going to bone it, too.

They’ve only got an hour each for their turn as “creative saboteur director” so they are sent off to hair and makeup where they find SlutAnn lazily sitting in a chair, “I’m knitting myself a blanket, cuz if this is boring I’m gonna take a nap with it.” he says. The girls giggle, but I think he’s serious because he’s seen how boring this bunch of bitches is…

…”…and that ratty-ass headband is still hideous, girlfriend!”…

Up first is Rich-Bitch (who is sporting her own fugly headband) and she tells hairstylist Christian Marc she wants “sexy big hair” for her victim Teyomboy. RB’s already super-impressed with herself (natch!) and brags “I’m a very, like, visionary person… I see something and it’s exactly what I want!” Well, yay for being able to order people around! Oh yeah, and being able to look at stuff.

Gay-Jay and The Schnoz come by and tell Rich-Bitch she’ll only have 15 frames to shoot, and then she will also be responsible for editing her film and choosing the best shot. This isn’t going to be easy, because not only does Teyomboy have a giant clot of extra-wavy weave added to her head, Rich-Bitch’s awesome “vision” has her “walking with purpose”. The problem is that she’s actually making Teyomboy walk in real-life, which looks awkward, something that Gay-Jay clocks immediately as he whispers to The Schnoz, “You can create a walking look without physically walking…”

…yup, she’s definitely Rich-Bitch’s Vision Of Ho-Strollingâ„¢…

Anime’s been chosen to direct AmINuts, and she’s telling Nutsy how nice she looks when she’s “natural” (which could mean all kinds of things) and seems to have a very clear idea of the look she’s going for. Gay-Jay’s standing there in shock and finally breaks in, “I have never heard you talk this much in my life!” which makes Anime make goo-goo eyes at him as she gushes, “Ohhh, I’m all about this project, this is so much fun!” For once, I think she’s right on the money, she seems to be revelling in having a chance to show some creativity for a change, instead of just standing around and creeping everybody out.

Gay-Jay’s really loving the clothes and styling and hair she’s chosen, too… but Anime runs into trouble when she starts having AmINuts drastically change her poses from standing to squatting and back again, because each time the photographer has to stop and adjust the lighting. “You’ve got to work within the flow…” he complains to The Schnoz. Flow-interruptions or not, here’s the final shot…

…um, what happened to the “natural” look she was going for?…

Oh well, I guess she must have meant “naturally skanky”. Meanwhile, Fo Ho’s got ahold of Jesus-Freak and she’s telling SlutAnn her makeup ideas, which makes him roll his eyes and say “Ugh… yawn!” and he goes right back to knitting his blankie. Fo Ho’s in a bind here… she’s not worried about the hair and makeup part of this, but “What am I gonna put on her, because her body-type is not the skinniest model!” Eventually she decides to call upon that old standby, the Slimming Power Of Blackâ„¢… except that’s not fooling Miss Holy Chubbo either, because she immediately says she feels…

…I’d kill to be this “fat”…

Seriously, if you have someone you need smothered to death, call me, I have the lethal amounts of ass that can do it quickly and cleanly, they won’t know what hit ‘em. Anyhow, Jesus-Freak says since the initial casting episode she’s gained about 10-15 pounds and it’s draining her confidence level, especially in the outfit Fo Ho’s poured her into. “Flirty! I want flirty!” calls out Fo, and Gay-Jay whispers “It looks like a holiday Gap ad, I’m sorry…”

…Ho Ho Ho, she looks jolly, right?…

AmINuts has been given Rich-Bitch to direct, and for some reason Nutsy just wanders off to the wardrobe area to look at clothes. She’s admitting that her personal feelings towards Rich-Bitch are that of intense dislike, but she realizes this is a job, “You have to put your professional face on!” It looks like she forgot to put on her watch, too, because Gay-Jay notices that she’s blown 15 minutes of her allotted hour aimlessly sifting through clothes.

He comes sashaying over and points out to Nutsy that she now only has four minutes left to get RB out of hair and makeup and into her clothes. AmINuts’ “professional face” drains away and is replaced by her “diarrhea face” as she tells Christian that they have to stop working on RB’s curls right now. Now she’s been given a stern two minute warning from Gay-Jay as she’s trying to shove Rich-Bitch into the outfit she finally settled on. I guess when Nutsy said she was going to “rock it out” she meant “sink like a stone”…

…well, if all else fails, at least she knows she can model adult diapers…

Looking peeved, Gay-Jay calls out “All right, Aminat, you’ve gotta get Natalie to set!” Without thinking, AmINuts calls back “It is so not my fault!” *record-scratch* Ooooh, no she DI-ent! Gay-Jay has stopped everything, “Waiwaiwaiwaiwait! Did you say it’s so not your fault?!?!” Stupidly, Nutsy whines back, “Yeeeah, it really isssn’t, ‘cuz I was tellin’ them to hurry up with the hair!” Nice job, AmINuts, blame the hairstylist. I think you’ve just guaranteed yourself several “accidental” curling iron burns for the rest of your time on this show.

Gay-Jay is pissed! “When you first started your hour, you were wafting around in wardrobe for about 15 minutes… what was Natalie doing?” Nutsy admits Rich-Bitch was sitting in the chair. He continues, “She was sitting down, exactly! Isn’t the first thing you guys normally do is hair and makeup? It’s your job to manage that time well!” Wow, it’s rare that Gay-Jay gets this (semi)manly and forceful during the course of this show…

…and The Schnoz is so turned on she’s about ready to tweak her left nipple!…

Of course, in confessional, Nutsy is still insisting that it was the hairstyling that took waaaay too long. Nevertheless, now that she’s bleeding copiously from her ass, she staggers over to the set and starts directing Rich-Bitch to do all kinds of creative things like “Put your hand up.” and “Show the outfit.” She winds up with this…

…um, it takes fifteen minutes to pick out a pair of jeans and a gold-lamé blouse??!?…

Now it’s Teyomboy’s turn to get her claws into MeeMaw, and says, “The look I’m givin’ Celia is hood-diva, just street-chic, like, I just want you to act like you’re coming out of your project house on a nice sunny morning…” Umm, perhaps she should have gone for something more authentic, like MeeMaw hobbling out of the retirement home after a good nap.

However, Gay-Jay’s whispering to The Schnoz that he loves the styling and he even goes so far as to take the wardrobe stylist Masha aside and ask her if MeeMaw put that look together herself. Masha insists that Teyomboy did it all, and Gay-Jay is impressed… up until the point where Teyomboy’s choosing which photo as her best, and apparently she picked the wrong one because he lets out a groan…

…well, at least she’d be good for an ad like this…

It’s Jesus-Freak’s turn to work on Anime-Eyes, and she’s in a quandary about how to dress her, “Allison doesn’t exactly scream ‘urban street’ to me. She’s definitely going to be rocker-chic!” Of course, we’ve seen the kinds of horrors that can come from the unholy marriage of “rockers” and a Jesuscentric sense of style…

…Never again. Please. …

So what’s JF’s version of “rocker-chic”? Yup, you guessed it… a big silvery headband and fingerless gloves! With a purple leotard! And a black mini! I’m shocked that she didn’t toss in a couple of rosaries as accessories, except that’s really considered sacreligious and you can go to Hell for it. Gay-Jay loves the makeup, but as for the choice of clothing he says “London is styling Allison exactly the way London looked before we cut her hair!” and The Schnoz chimes in with “It’s my least favorite style of the day!”…

…♫ God is watch-ing us.. ♫ ..frommm a dis-tannnnce..♫…

Last in line today is MeeMaw to style Fo Ho. She’s telling Christian to give the girl a Fo-Hawk, and her idea is to make her masculine on top and feminine in the face. I’m sure Fo Ho’s loving that idea, since she already thinks her short hair makes her look super-dykey. However, to offset the tired hairstyle, MeeMaw has actually picked out a cute dress and jacket combo, is giving good directions to her during the shoot, and winds up with a better picture than most of them…

…even if she still looks pissed off…

MeeMaw knocked it out of the park, right? Not quite, because Gay-Jay whispers to Schnozzie “What’s killing me is that she doesn’t notice the shoes are cut off right at the ankles!” Ouch, that’s kind of an obvious thing to miss, but I’ll cut MeeMaw some slack here because she didn’t have her Granny-Glasses on, so she probably didn’t notice that Fo even has feet.

Gathering everyone back together it’s time for the results. Gay-Jay gives kudos to Anime-Eyes for being so chatty and creative, but dings her for wasting time making the camera guy have to dick around with the lighting so much. He also calls out Jesus-Freak for spewing her own personal lack of style all over Anime, saying that it wasn’t “street-wear with attitude”… but he likes the fact that she chose the exact shot that Gay-Jay and The Schnoz would have picked. On the other hand, Teyomboy gets hammered for having bypassed the “right” shot in favor of the shitty one she chose. Apparently, this is the one that Gay-Jay and Schnozzie liked…

…Big deal. Headache to the left, migraine to the right, what’s the difference?…

Still, they loved the look she put MeeMaw in, so a slap on one cheek always gets a kiss on the other with these two? I guess it must be true, because after assfucking AmINuts some more for her horrible time-management, they tell her she did direct Rich-Bitch into the “perfect Seventeen cover-pose” which is apparently one hand over the head with the other one on the hip and looking Xanaxed out of your gourd.

So who won the challenge? Well, after giving AmINuts some false hope the winner is actually Teyomboy! She’s going to be in Seventeen Magazine! Even better (or worse depending on how you want to look at it) she is given the chance to pick two friends to be a part of the editorial shoot with her! Of course, her obvious first choice is her fellow Joisey-Goil Nutsy, and Fo Ho’s giving her a hopeful look… except Teyomboy chooses MeeMaw as her second beneficiary because she was the model in the challenge today that helped her to win. Half-hearted clapping all around…

…somebody’s not feeling the love…

In her confessional Fo Ho says “It’s very shocking to me because Celia and Teyona aren’t the best of friends and I’m kinda like, uhhh, ohhh-kay, I thought I was your homie in the house. It was kinda like a slap in the face!” Or a splash of dogshit. AnyFo, I understand how she feels, but it would have been a totally assholish move if Teyomboy hadn’t chosen MeeMaw for her contribution to the win. Besides, I think it’s pretty clear that AmINuts and Teyomboy have had a much closer bond… and I’m sure Nutsy would have been far more dangerously upset at not being picked, so Fo Ho’s just gonna have to suck it up and move on.

So here’s how the pictures turned out from the Seventeen photo shoot, and it looks a little Land’s End to me…

…not to mention the fact that one of them looks a tad old to be in Seventeen…

Back at the house, it’s time for Tyra-Mail #2! MeeMaw reads, “You haven’t had too much R&R, maybe it’s time for some R&B.” Someone guesses maybe they’ll be working on an R&B music video. Oooh, maybe Day 26 will show up and teach these girls how you really fight over insignificant things! With that, they’re off to bed.

A few short hours later, Gay-Jay (clutching a half-caff soy latte with just a sprinkle of Splenda in it) invades their bedroom and scares the shit out of Teyomboy…

…ohhhh, crap, and she’s got white linens on her bed, too!…

While Teyomboy was instantly out of bed like a shot, it took a little longer to rouse some of the others lost in a fog of confusion, like Anime-Eyes, Jesus-Freak and especially MeeMaw…

…”Who are you? Why does a Chucky doll have coffee? Is that for me? Is it time for my stories? I need my pills. Where are my undies? I think I peed the beeeeeed!”…

Gay-Jay tries to whip them into a smidge of enthusiasm, “We’ve got a real photo-shoot today, but we’re doin’ it Top Model-style! You know, when you’re livin’ the high life hair and makeup comes to your house! And who’s cooking for me?” Oh joy, just what every woman dreams of waking up to… some perky plasti-queen demanding breakfast. I hope someone chucks the box of Lucky Charms at his head and calls it good.

The girls finally drag their soggy asses out of bed and start getting worked on in their own living room, which Fo Ho thinks is a “definite luxury”… I beg to differ, I’d call it “luxury” if they would come at a slightly more leisurely hour, say, about 3pm. Preferably bringing some Burger King fries with them and agreeing to work on me while I continued to sleep in bed…

…I bet that’s how Rich-Bitch rolls when she’s at home in Palos Verdes!…

And what in the name of Tyra are they doing to her hair? Is it ghetto-braids? I hope not, ‘cuz white people just never look right when they try to pull off that shit… have we learned nothing from those poor guys in Backstreet Boys, N*SYNC and O-Town who got stuck wearing “ethnic hair”?…

…Never again. Please. …

Suddenly the doorbell rings (or Gay-Jay’s Pop-Tarts are ready) and Teyomboy gets up to answer the door… and when she opens it and sees R&B star Ciara standing there, she just screams “It’s Ciara!” and runs away! I didn’t understand this reaction, but maybe Ciara forgot her Altoids or something. Anyhow, that one word was all our budding Lesbanianâ„¢ AmINuts needed to hear and she literally swoops out to the foyer and assaults the woman on the spot…

…Jeez, Nutsy! Take a 1-2 step back!…

For realsies, I wasn’t sure if she was going to either plant a big ol’ kiss on her, take a bite out of her, or go down on her, and Ciara’s body language (and horrified expression) tell me she was thinking the edzack same thing! AmINuts just can’t believe it, “She’s in our house… like, I’m touching her!” Um, yeah, and Ciara’s face says that’s a “bad touch” Nutsy.

Once she recovers her composure following the Attack of Blackula, Ciara comes in and greets Gay-Jay and plugs her new album Fantasy Ride (natch!) and it turns out that she’ll be in their photo shoot today, which makes MeeMaw laughably croak that “It’s really really exciting because I’ve been a fan of Ciara for… quite some time.” And I’m sure she has been… for at least the last 10 minutes or so…

…”Who is she again? From the Sierra Club?”…

Gay-Jay asks Ciara if she’s got any “words of advice” for the girls, and she sure does as she showers them with such helpful gems as “just have fun” and “give your all”. Gee thanks, Cee, we’ll be sure to call you the next time we need some more tired clichés spouted on this show…

…”Oh, and look real pretty, too!”…

She should have told them to bone up on their kegel exercises and beejay skillz. Anyhow, now that Ciara’s been of absolutely no help to them, Gay-Jay says they’ll be leaving in the FugMobile to head over to Webster Hall for the photo shoot. Once they arrive, he tells them they’re going to actually be on stage with Ciara, “kinda being her obsessed fan twined up in her microphone cord!” After hearing this I don’t think AmINuts’ maniacal grin could get any wider (or scarier)…

…at least she’ll look semi-pretty on her FBI WANTED poster…

Here today to help them capture the Magic of Ciaraness is guest photographer Mike Ruiz (who’s been most recently seen working on RuPaul’s Drag Race!) so you know he’s ultra-ready for this wackiness, and after reminding them to remain aware of both their bodies and their faces, they’re sent off to wardrobe!

It turns out that their outfits for the shoot are basically a teensy swimsuit with a bunch of black cabling wrapped around their limbs and torso in random fashion. MeeMaw’s getting worked on and she’s blithely commenting to the stylist (and right in front of Jesus-Freak) that for this particular look…

…if looks could kill…

…and MeeMaw just keeps blabbing on, “You can’t hide anything with this outfit!” She’s so sweet and sensitive! I guess MeeMaw’s definition of “toned and lean” means “skeletal”. Personally I think she’s going to end up looking like a twisty length of barbed wire (with blonde poofy hair caught in it). Jesus-Freak is well aware that her recent weight gain is going to be very visible in the shoot. Hopefully she’ll get smart and ask for some extra cabling.

Mike Ruiz directs the other six girls not being featured to stand at the foot of the stage and pretend to be an audience full of people and tells our first superfan MeeMaw that “the metaphor here is that you’re entangled in Ciara’s web!” Ooooh, how very Black Widowy of her!…

…like a production of “Arsenic And Old Phone Cords”…

Gay-Jay seems impressed by the way they “vibed off each other’s energy”. I guess that Geritol is some powerful shit. It’s Jesus-Freak’s turn to get trussed up, and she’s not liking it very much, “I’m definitely feeling very uneasy being put into the clothes we’re about to wear… it’s very very overwhelming and so scary!” and she pleads with the stylists to let her wear a skirt to cover her gently ballooning ass.

I have to say, I’m kind of pissed at Jesus for not melting a few pounds away from the girl who risks getting a heavy beat-down every time she goes out proselytizing on His behalf… if He could walk on water and bring folks back to life from the dead then surely dropping a couple of dress-sizes wouldn’t be too much to ask, would it?…

…or grant the alternative…

Rich-Bitch weighs in (no pun intended) “I think London, she’s very insecure about her weight… and I think she’s struggling because she can’t get past that!” Well, how very perceptive of you, Princess Obvious! I’m sure that several times a day Jesus-Freak is almost able to ditch those extra pounds by darting quickly into the closet and hiding. Unfortunately, that’s also probably where she’s been stashing her Little Debbies, so the pounds always find her again.

After taking a few deep breaths, she makes her way out to the stage and starts her posing, saying in confessional that she’s praying to Jesus to give her some confidence and help her perform like a true Top Model. But Jesus must have his prayer-cell turned to vibrate while He has lunch with Tyra, because it’s not working, Jesus-Freak just looks pained and embarrassed and uncomfortable…

…probably because she can’t breathe…

Watching from the background, Gay-Jay’s whispering to Masha, “You can be honest with me. Has she gained a lot of weight?” and that fucking ugly cow replies “She’s gotten very big.” and now I think I’m just going to call her Truck-Face for the rest of this cycle. Bitch. Jesus-Freak is totally not “very big”!!!! Nevertheless, Gay-Jay’s super-disturbed, “This is not subtle weight gain, this is unprofessional!”

When her tortuous portion of the shoot is over, Gay-Jay calls her aside and asks her to sit down and chat. “It’s a sensitive thing, but it’s something I have to talk about. It just really shocked me today… I’m seeing such a huge change, physically!”…

…nice word choice there, Mr. Sensitivity!…

…and he just bulldozes on saying blah blah competition stress blah blah not taking care of your body blah blah modelling is tough blah blah your ass is taking over America blah blah try barfing more often blah blah. To her credit, Jesus-Freak holds it together as he’s spewing all of this tired bullshit on her (I would have been so tempted to fire back with “Really, Jay? Eating a healthy diet and exercising might help me lose weight? How about you give me some of those pills from your man-purse?”) but when she gets back into the wardrobe area by herself it’s clear that what he said has wounded her deeply. “It just hurt me at the time… you know, if I didn’t have God with me right now, I don’t know what I would do…” My guess is she’d be stabbing a queen and a certain elderly woman to death.

Oh well, it’s Teyomboy’s turn to rock her goodies with Ciara, and she’s ready to bust out, “I need to work ten times harder because when they’re looking at my picture I don’t want them to see Ciara, I want them to see me!”…

…you know, a well-placed Tonya Harding kick to the knee would go a loooong way towards accomplishing that…

She’s doing really well, giving great poses and grabbing the mike-stand, and even elicits an “All right, Miss Thing!” from Mike Ruiz. Gay-Jay warns Ciara that Teyomboy’s giving her a run for her money, and Ciara agrees, saying the girl went at it so hard she accidentally got wrapped up in the cords that were laying on the floor! Nice job, Teyomboy!

It looks like I was half-right about Rich-Bitch’s hair winding up in an ethnic style, although it isn’t braids like I thought…

…but a giant BitchFro instead…

Ree. Dick. You. Luss. Anyhow, Gay-Jay’s advising her that he wants her to go waaaay out of her normal comfort zone and do something that doesn’t feel like her. I think that’s his way of saying “Wake up for a change.” Rich-Bitch says she’s really trying to work on expressing emotion through her face, but she just looks the same old sleepy, bored self. Mike tries to get her to look a little more mean and snarly, but that doesn’t really work, either…

…clearly the sheer weight of the BitchFro is tiring her out…

Zzzzzzzzz. Let’s see if Fo Ho can do any better. She’s contorting a lot and making her sultry faces, which Gay-Jay is loving. Fo Ho’s not even nervous that she’s working with such an “icon” as Ciara, she’s actually having a great time with it, and it shows…

…well, sorta…

It looks like Anime-Eyes has also been handed big 80′s hair (prolly to offset her eyes) and Gay-Jay really wants her to come through with the forceful personality she had during her stint as creative director, and she says she’s determined to show that she can do something other than vacant bunnyface. Once she gets started, though, Mike calls out that she’s looking awkweird and Gay-Jay stops the shoot. Never a good sign.

He basically tells her she looks like she’s afraid to smile or let loose, it’s her same timidity coming back in all over again, “You have to get away from that hesitation! All right?” Anime doesn’t even answer him, she’s fiddling with her cord costume and looks really mad! As he’s walking back to the monitors Gay-Jay whispers, “She hates me now.” However, angering the girl seems to have done the trick, because she’s definitely showing some expression now, “Oooh, I like this! Maybe we should just get you more pissed, Allison!”…

…Portrait Of An Angry Bunnyface…

Bringing up the rear is AmINuts, and I was thinking she’d have even more crazy stalker energy than Teyomboy did considering the fact that she nearly raped Ciara on first sight. Weirdly, her posing is all wrong, Mike’s having a hard time getting her into a good position, especially when she seems to suddenly forget where she is…

…because she’s been totally transfixed by the proximity of celebrity vahjine…

This does not go unnoticed by the Gay-Jay as he dryly notes “I didn’t know that ‘back to the camera’ was in fashion this week!” Nutsy turns around real quick looking startled, like she’s been caught eye-fucking (which is likely what she was doing). As the shoot progresses, both Mike and Jay are calling out compliments to Ciara, while AmINuts just continues to look vacant and vapid…

…and mildly retarded…

Nutsy doesn’t understand it either, “I have the face, I have the body, and I have the damn personality! Like, come on, why am I just gettin’ a C-plus or B-minus on the photo shoots?” Gay-Jay explains that while AmINuts has all those elements “she just never brings it in front of the camera!” Ouch. Well, that’s a wrap, time to head home.

Tyra-Mail #3! “Someone’s going to want to strangle themselves with a microphone cord after we get done with you… you’ll know why tomorrow!” The girls are getting ready for bed and for some weird reason Teyomboy is asking how everyone’s photo shoot went (like they weren’t all there witnessing every word of both praise and criticism) and Fo Ho thinks she did really well. AmINuts is not so sanguine and asks her for an honest opinion of how she did. Fo Ho gasps, “I was scaaaaaared, Aminat, ‘cuz you had this look on your face… you were like a mildly retarded deer caught in the headlights!” Nutsy says she’s never felt worse after a photo shoot in her life.

Ahhh, but there’s somebody else who had an even worse day… Anime’s hanging out with Jesus-Freak and Rich-Bitch in the bathroom and bravely trying to Pollyanna the situation by insisting that “everyone had a good photo shoot.” but Rich-Bitch zeroes in on Jesus-Freak and wants to know how hers really went… again, this sounds scripted, because, duh, they were all there! Starting to cry a little JF relates the gist of her private convo with Gay-Jay…

…can I call ‘em, or what?…

In her holy confessional, Jesus-Freak is trying to make some sense of it all… “God put me here for a reason! And I don’t really know exactly what that reason is… He’s definitely testing me, this is probably one of the hardest experiences of my entire life!” I hate to admit that I kind of feel for her, because being on TV and having your weight gain nakedly documented like that is no fun… but at least she’s in good company (i.e., Kirstie Alley, Delta Burke, Janet Jackson, Oprah) not to mention the zillions of Americans who are battling their weight as well. Cheer up, Jesus-Freak! If Häagen-Dazs, Ho-Hos and Doritos tasted like veggies, we’d all be skelesticks like MeeMaw! And we’d all be awful cranky, too.

And now for something completely different, I’d like to share with you tonight’s random tidbit from Tyra’s Rules To Owning Your Inner Fiercenessâ„¢ … “Music always helps a model find her own rhythm!”…

…especially when you’re this lucky little girl who gets treated to the melody of Tyra’s ass…

As the girls gather at Judge’s Panel, Tyra does a quick head-count, “Well… seven! Seven’s a lucky number… for six of you!” Ooooh, good one, Ty-Ty! Today’s guest judge is Mike Ruiz from the photo shoot, and in the middle of her spiel a nearly naked manboy comes prancing out into the room bearing a small box. Tyra feigns surprise and asks, “Why did fineness just walk into the room half-naked?”…

…um, ‘cuz you paid him to…

Kneeling down before her, the manboy begins speaking in Portuguese, “You want me to go to yo’ country? Well, it depends on what country you from!” says Suddenly StreeTyra. Gesturing to the box she asks “Well, what the heck is this?” More Portuguese from manboy. “A gift from yo’ country?” She picks up what looks like a nut and takes a teensy bite, “It’s a peecan?” Another teensy bite. “It’s a big-ass peanut!” A lustier bite. “I know what this is!” [lame dramatic pause] “It’s a Brazil Nut! YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO BRAZIL!!!!“

Suddenly brightly colored confetti erupts from the ceiling, Sex-God and Mike Ruiz are waving maracas around, Miss J.Moe’s mincing about while wearing a fruit basket on his head, Porizkunty’s waving a Brazilian flag, and Tyra’s smashing handfuls of nuts into her mouth…

…Estas cadelas são loucas!…

Once everybody calms down, Tyra gives them the bad news that only six of them will be going on the fabulous overseas trip to Brazil, so let’s see who that will be (like we don’t already know based on who’s had more face-time during this one episode than in the entire cycle).

Starting off tonight is Rich-Bitch. Miss J.Moe lies and says she’s standing out in the photo more than Ciara (I’m telling you, it’s that BitchFro!) but Porizkunty thinks that close-up her face looks scary and frightening. Mike says she really struggled until they told her to snarl…

…Meh. I’m still yawning…

Ty-Ty calls it “absolutely stunning and fabulous” but warns her that she still needs to “get out of her comfort zone” and be more present in her own face. Funny how she used the exact same phrase that Gay-Jay did. Hmmm.

Next is AmINuts, and Tyra immediately says likes her cute little outfit today, and I have no clue why, because it’s just culottes and a tank top. I guess Ty-Ty wanted to give her a little sugar before the Big Bitter Beatdown. Looking at her Special Ed Yearbook Picture, Sex-God says she looks bewildered and like she just “fell over” at Ciara’s feet. Miss J.Moe says “What you needed was two cups of crazy and a pinch of insane and that would have worked.” while Tyra says she looked lost and like she didn’t understand how her body related to the camera…

…derrrrrrr…

“It felt like one of the other girls that went home weeks and weeks and weeks ago!” Ouch! Time to get off the short-bus, Nutsy!

MeeMaw gets kudos for her ensemble, too, which is also puzzling because she’s got on nothing more than plain black jeans and a black tank-top. When her photo comes up, MeeMaw says “I like it!” Sex-God says that’s the first time one of the girls has said they like their photo before the judges, and MeeMaw giggles and quickly says “I just wanna go to Brazil!” Ass-kisser. Sex-God says the shot “isn’t really classically pretty… [tssss-burn!] …but works very, very well!”…

…Big deal. Anything looks great when it’s framed by Ciara’s hoo-hah!…

Time to check in on Teyomboy’s work! Ty-Ty calls it “mayy-jah!” while Sex-God notices her “goodies” were about to pop out…

…you will notice that Ciara’s vagina is an afterthought here…

Porizkunty thinks she looks fierce, and Mikey says none of the other girls had a better understanding of how to relate to the scenario. Tyra says she really looks like a rabid fan. Or maybe just plain rabid.

Now they get to crucify Jesus-Freak. When her picture comes up Porizkunty starts in with “I don’t love it.” while Sex-God claims it’s “over the top” and that she was “trying too hard”… and at least he didn’t finish that sentence with “to hold your stomach in.” Tyra tells her that she “smiles with her eyes naturally” but in this case she wound up looking “cartoonish”…

…I would have gone with “terrified”, myself…

Porizkunty’s not done, either: “There’s a strange tension in your face that’s not entirely photogenic actually.” Miss J.Moe goes right for the throat and flat-out asks her “What are you eating?”, to which Jesus-Freak simply responds that she knows she’s gained some weight, and he bitches at her some more about maintaining her size. Go piss up a rope, J.Moe, she’s not the one wearing a stupid clown bow-tie for no reason…

…so shut it, Clarabelle…

Moving on to Fo Ho’s shot, Ty-Ty yells “Angles! Angles! Angles! There’s tension in your face without you looking tense!” Huhwha?…

…she looks to me like she’s grinding her teefs!…

Sex-God just loves the positioning of her limbs and her curvy back (even though they nailed her previously for almost this exact same position in the little girls photo shoot because it made her look “too short”) but I guess by now I shouldn’t really bother trying to expect any consistency from this bunch of bozos.

Last in line is Anime-Eyes, and right away Porizkunty sounds elated, “Look! There’s a different face!” and Sex-God says she looks more like a ferocious cat…

…LOLmodelz?…

Ty-Ty says she loves the tension in her mouth and the anger in her eyes (yes, that death-glare was for Gay-Jay’s benefit) and she’s glad to know that she’s not a “one-hit wonder” anymore. Miss J.Moe just wishes she had brought that tension to her body, and Mikey points out that he and Gay-Jay had to piss her off in order to get that shot out of her. Anime tells Mikey, “It was my favorite photo-shoot, actually, working with you, just because, like…” and then she’s blathering on and completely missing the fact that photographer Sex-God is sitting there looking more and more pissed as she heaps praise on Mr. Ruiz…

…Ruh-roh…

Turning to Mikey, Sex-God says heavily, “Favorite photo shoot… favorite!” and Tyra speaks up, “Gurrrl, you need to learrrrn how to talk when there are two photographers in the room!” Anime looks stricken and tries to cover her big-mouthed blunder, “Oh. Well, I dunno, in terms of the learning experience of trying to get an angry face…” and Ty-Ty jumps back in, “Oooh, just digging the hole deeper and deeper and deeper!” while Sex-God directs her to look at the angry-face that he’s making. Anime finally shuts it and looks embarrassed…

…ahhh, social ineptitude, thy name is Anime…

She moans “I messed up!” and Sex-God snippily says, “How about just saying ‘I learned a lot.’ and ‘Thank you.’” which cracks everybody up. Then Tyra takes it even further saying “How about ‘There’s only six girls going to Brazil!’” and now Anime looks even more stricken. Too late, time to deliberate!

Here’s the breakdowwwwwwn:

Rich-Bitch: “It was a great shot” but “In person? What was she doing today? It looked like she was going to a wedding!”
AmINuts: “I want Aminat to be so much better than she actually is!” and “She’d be great for runway, not so much for print!”
MeeMaw: “I was feeling a little June Cleaver” and “She looks like a perfect stylist!”
Teyomboy: “This is a great shot and she’s a stunning girl!” and “She consistently does some of the best photos we’ve seen.”

Jesus-Freak: I have to go into more detail here. Porizkunty says she has such a beautiful face but “The mathematics of her face are wrong for a photo. Maybe she has potential in front of a moving camera.” Mikey just shakes his head and says “I don’t really see her doing a lot in print or runway.” However, Tyra’s amazed because Jesus-Freak “has permanent smiling eyes!” (and we all know how much Ty-Ty loves her some smiley-eyes!). Sex-God says “There’s something unique about her…” and Miss J.Moe jumps in bitchily with “There is something unique about her… the extra weight she’s gained!”…

…hateful buffoon…

Fo Ho: “Great face, beautiful picture and I love her body.”
Anime-Eyes: “What a fantastic face, what a different-looking girl” but “boring” and “there’s really no reinventing of her!”

And with that, they’ve reached a decision on who doesn’t need a passport this week. This week’s winner with the best photo is… Teyomboy! She’s followed by Fo Ho, Rich-Bitch, MeeMaw and Anime-Eyes, leaving AmINuts and Jesus-Freak as the Bottom Two. There’s no need to even run through each of their problems, because it’s dead obvious that the loser is going to be Jesus-Freak, and she knows it, too, so she gives everyone huggles and is outie.

In her exit interview she says she thought the day she got eliminated she’d be really upset with God (because it’s a mortal sin, not to mention illegal to get upset with Tyra) but she insists she’s not, and knows that she can lose the weight she’s gained because modelling will always be her “number one passion… besides God, of course!” Hmmm, God comes after modelling? It may be harder to lose that muffin-top than you thought, girlfriend!

What did you think of this episode? Do you think it was wrong of Teyomboy to pick MeeMaw instead of Fo Ho to be in Seventeen Magazine with her? Did Ciara seem kind of boring to you, too? Should somebody whop Miss J in the face with a big bag of bitchy blubber?

Thanks again ‘Gasmii, for your patience, I do apologize for my lateness, and I will get right to work on this week’s episode later today. The weekend was crazy, but our performances went well, and while I did not get to have a picture with Deborah Cox (who sounded amazing, but left right after her show was finished… boo) I do have a great shot of Devina And The Funky Divas Plus The Fly Boyz just after we performed a fun and retro Salt’N'Pepa production number to a roaring crowd of drunken queens…

…Happy Pride from Phoenix!…

love, J-Mo