America’s Next Top Model: The Girls From IpAnemia

Olá! e boa vinda! That means “Hello and welcome” in Portuguese! I’m so glad you’ve joined me once again, because it probably means that you are enjoying my semi-rare and mildly stimulating insights into the cosmic fabulosity of this show. Given the average length of my recaps, it also probably means you have about a half-hour to kill. Either way, I am so happy you’re here, and that we’re about to take a trip south of the equator where we North Americans continue to distinguish ourselves with our genteel and urbane behavior…

…or not…

…although I can’t really blame AmINuts for letting ‘er rip, because on tonight’s episode of America’s Next Top Model she is forced to endure a physical assault by MeeMaw, Rich-Bitch’s constant complaining (on a second continent) and Fo Ho turning into a bit of a conniving little bratbitch. Let’s make ourselves a gallon pitcher of Caipirinhas… e faça o salto!Like many of you commented on last week’s episode, the elimination of Jesus-Freak left me feeling like this…

…SOW-ahhhhh!…

Fortunately, I was able to attend our street’s annual Block Party today, and I got drunk on beer and Twinkies, so I feel better now. I imagine Jesus-Freak is doing the same. Anyhow, it doesn’t appear that it took the remaining Final Six very long to get over her leaving, either, because on the way back to the house in the FugMobile there is a lot of giggling and screeching and shrieking going on. Teyomboy says she’s super excited to be heading out to Brazil, but notes “I do feel like a couple of people are sippin’ on their Hateradeâ„¢ lately… and now that I’m doing so well it’s like, ohhh, I gotta watch out now!”…

…yes, beware of Fo The Ninja Booger-Flickerâ„¢…

I guess Miss Fo Ho is still smarting over Teyomboy choosing MeeMaw over her to be in the Seventeen Magazine photo-shoot she won last week, “That was, like, my reality-check, I guess this is a competition and it’s every woman for themselves…” This girl is fast as lightning! It only took her eight weeks and ten episodes to figure that out!

Once they return home, everyone starts packing for the trip. Rich-Bitch claims to be “stoked” to go to Brazil, especially since New York is so cold during the winter, “I’m from Southern California… all I’m used to is warm weather!” Poor little Rich-Bitch. I guess she doesn’t wike it when her wittle nose and toes and clothes get froze…

…her “stoked” face…

And with that, they’re off to Sao Paulo, Brazil! We are treated to shots of tropical glades, beaches, and Brazilian butts baking in the sun. AmINuts is extra grateful to be there, especially since she was in the Bottom Two last week, “I have to show Tyra why I’m here!” Ahhh, Nutsy, she already knows why… because you’re crazy and you’ll cut a bitch.

The girls arrive in some kind of lakeside park where they are greeted by a samba band and the Vegas cast of The Lion King…

…performing “The Semi-Circle Of Life”…

Also there to greet them in what she calls “the epicenter of South America fashion” is Fernanda Motta, supermodel and hostess of BNTM (Brazil’s Next Top Model)! Wow, she is extremely pretty. And extremely hard to understand. “Thair ees won pairson dat eembodees da speerit whot beeing Brasil ees all abowut… won of de moss reconnissable songs to ayver comm oudof Brasil ees abowut her… ande wayy she moofs! Hair nayeem ees Helô Pinheiro… an she de Girl fromm Ipanema…”

…so this is who’s to blame for that annoying song!…

I’m just kidding, I actually think it’s a lovely song… but I used to ride with a bus driver who would whistle it nonstop for 30 blocks every morning and that made me feel stabby. Anyhow, Miss MottaMouth’s still garbling away, “Peek a partnair, an go to de addraiss ondiss card… Ees hair fayvoreet flower shop!” Huh? Fo Ho explains that they’re being instructed to pair up, find Helô’s favorite flower shop and buy her favorite flowers, and whoever gets there first will win a prize! Fo Ho’s pretty confident about her chances, too, “Watch out bitches! My time to win!”

Fernanda lets them know that their taxis are waiting for them on the other side of the bridge behind her, and they’re off! Welcome to The Annoying Race! The girls have naturally broken down into Team ChocoLatté (AmINuts and Teyomboy), Team Blonderexia (MeeMaw and Anime-Eyes) and Team RhymeTime (Rich-Bitch and Fo Ho). Nutsy says that since Teyomboy is a track-star that they “definitely have this challenge in the bag”…

…thanks to their massive 0.00023 second lead…

Seriously, the other two teams got to their taxis immediately after Team ChocoLatté did, and they all head out at exactly the same time. Of course this challenge is not sitting well with Rich-Bitch, who naturally complains, “We had to do a nine-hour plane ride! I didn’t get any sleep, and we have to go straight into a challenge… that sucks!” Well, we all know how much you love your sleep, RB, but it could have been way worse… they could have made you find this place on foot.

Teyomboy and AmINuts are feeling sassy… right up until the point where Team RhymeTime passes them and takes the lead (Rich-Bitch helpfully urged their cabbie to drive “rapido”) and they find the Forteleza Flores Shop first! Running inside and assaulting the poor clerk working the counter, they ask for “Heelio Pintera’s favorite flower”. I would have loved it if the woman had just looked at them quizzically and said “Quem é este?” because they mangled the pronunciation of Helô’s name so badly…

…”Whaddaya mean you don’t know who Helium Pimento is?…

Ah, but she gets it and directs them to the Bird Of Paradise in the pot conveniently right next to the counter. The girls buy some and think they’ve won, but it turns out now they have to go meet Helô at a (possibly) nearby Botanical Garden, which elicits a pissy “Oh great!” from Rich-Bitch. Ugh, I can’t believe it either, more riding in cars?! Will her trials never end??

As Team RhymeTIme is running out of the shop, Team ChocoLatté is just pulling up to get ahold of their flowers, and Teyomboy’s upset that she and AmINuts are not in first place any longer. However, they’re still doing better than Team Blonderexia, whose cabbie seems to be taking a safe and leisurely pace. “Can you… cut corners?” ventures MeeMaw timidly. They wind up “laughably last” at the flower shop, but once they have their bouquet, their cabbie apparently knows some kind of shortcut to the Botanical Gardens, and they’re happy again. So happy, in fact, that Anime attempts to sniff the heavenly aroma of the Birds Of Paradise…

…which is kinda sad, because they have no scent…

Maybe she’ll accidentally stab her nasal cavity and get a bloody nose. Anime says she’s super-pumped they’re going to see the girl from “Eppaneema”… “It’s really neat to actually meet someone who has a song written about them!”…

… *sigh* …if only she could have met Bette Davis or Marty Feldman…

Anyhow, Team RhymeTime has made it to the Botanical Gardens, and Rich-Bitch is not happy that they’re supposed to run to find Miss Helô, “Whoop-de-doo, that’s not something that I’m looking forward to!” I think she’s just afraid of bruising her face (or putting out an eye) with one of her giant jiggling breasts when she’s running.

Team ChocoLatté is hot on the heels of Team RhymeTime, and Team Blonderexia is close by as well… ahh, but MeeMaw sees on the map that there’s a shortcut they can take via crossing a small bridge, and they swoop into second place! Nutsy sees them taking their alternative route and seethes “Oh really, you wanna play like that!” Well, nobody said there was only one way to find Miss Helô!

And Team RhymeTime is the first to reach the spot where MottaMouth is standing, followed by Team Blonderexia and Team ChocoLosers. What did Rich-Bitch and Fo Ho win? “Yoou prise ees gonnabee wading for yoou adde new howoos… ees someting dat wee Brasilianss loff!” Oooh, I bet it’s a home coochie-waxing kit! With that, MottaMouth makes a grand gesture and introduces “the girl from Ipanema”! A nearby bossanova quartet starts to play and sing The Song as a blonde woman of indeterminate age begins to undulate her way down the stone steps behind them…

…and she remains indeterminate thanks to the wide shot…

Actually, she’s in her sixties, but looks quite good (in fact, she apparently did a Playboy spread in 2003) and doesn’t appear to be overly worked on. She addresses the girls, “Hiiiii! Lairn to moofuh grazefullee… ees eemportan for ayvrey modell cozz I spyritaid de songuh beecozz I moofuh dis wayee, okayee?” Poor thing. At first I thought she was saying something about ice pirates and loofah sponges, but then I realized she was telling them that she inspired the song by the way she moves. I pity everyone who didn’t get to rewind it and listen 47 more times…

…”Dear God, Please don’t make me speak any more English in this episode. Love, Helô (and J-Mô!)…

Ah, but she’s not done yet! “I haff a beyoodeefool geeftuh forr ayvreyboddee! Ees a nyew homme forr yeoouu!” and she hands Fo Ho and Rich-Bitch the keys to their Brazilian pad. Rich-Bitch is excited to see it because she just knows it’s going to be something awesome. The girls all quickly say hello and give Miss Helô the bouquets of Birds Of Paradise before rushing off to see their new place! It appears to be located in a high-rise condo, and I’m sure it will be trashed in no time.

AmINuts is near-speechless with joy and delight, “Are you kidding me? There’s flowers everywhere! We have a jacuzzi! Like, get the hell outta here!” Ohhhh, and next to the jacuzzi is a basket with Fo Ho and Rich-Bitch’s names on it. It’s their prize, which consists of a big bag of Havaiana flip-flops, and Fo Ho is ecstatic, “Some of them have Skurrofski crystals in them, and those are $500.00 a pair! I’m in heaven right now!” OMG, $500.00 for flip-flops?!?? Swarovski crystals or no, we are talking about the little flat polyurethane shoesies that usually crumble after six months, right? Amazing…

…might as well put diamonds on gum-rubber boots…

Of course, there are pictures all over the condo as well, and AmINuts has found several of McKey, which makes her stop and touch the photo and say “That’s such a cute pic!” Wow, and I bet the ink isn’t even dry on the restraining order from Ciara yet! Anyways, they’re all excited and loving the place… right up until the point where they discover that there are only three double beds… they’re going to have to share! Rich-Bitch is horrified and whines, “This is what I’ve been looking forward to, is going to some international destination… and we get here and it’s like, we have to share a bed with another girl, which is… kind of weird.” I’m going to go out on a limb here and venture a guess that Rich-Bitch is not only spoiled rotten, but also an only child as well.

It doesn’t stop there, either… they’ve all been given a free bikini, and RB’s complaining “I don’t understand this bathing suit!” (to be fair, bikinis are extraordinarily complex) and she’s not happy with the temperature, “It’s cold in here, I wanna turn up the air” and she’s displeased with only being on the 63rd floor of the high-rise, “I wish we had a view…”

…bitch, bitch, bitch, that’s all you ever are!…

Ugh, this girl is so fucking annoying as she kvetches to the others, “Brazil is nothing what I expected at all. I haven’t seen anything special yet in Brazil.” She says this as they are chowing down on pizza instead of ordering some more exotic and traditional Brazilian cuisine. MeeMaw says she thought the Botanical Gardens were beautiful, and asks “You didn’t like that, Natalie?” With a dismissive sniff Rich-Bitch sneers “I liked it, I just wouldn’t fly back here to see it.” Perhaps she’s just cranky about the bed situation and doesn’t know how to verbalize it (because remember, she’s more of a “visionary person”).

The next morning as the sun rises, the girls are all looking out the windows at the incredibly breathtaking (and disappointing if you’re Rich-Bitch) downtown view they have. While MeeMaw and the others are gushing about how crystalline the air-quality is, Rich-Bitch displays a remarkable lack of geographic awareness…

…well, ask a stupid question…

…get a smart-ass answer…

Frustrated by her inability to see the ocean almost fifty miles distant, RB stamps her foot and whines “Damn! I wanted a pool!” MeeMaw complains that Rich-Bitch is always complaining, “She doesn’t have the right attitude for this.” Well, honestly, can you blame the girl? She’s used to the Nirvana-On-Earth that is Palos Verdes, California… everyplace else would just pale in comparison to it’s golden shores.

Tyra-Mail #1! Or, while we’re in Brazil, Correio Da Tyra Número Um! Teyomboy reads, “Fight or flight? You better give me both!” Crickets are heard as nobody can guess anything other than AmINuts who tentatively offers “A photo shoot?”

They all head off to a plaza somewhere in Sao Paulo, where a bunch of shirtless men are playing drums and clapping and doing what looks like karate on each other. They are really insanely amazing, spinning in mid-air, sliding around on their heads, and generally just giving a great big middle finger to the laws of gravity. Why can’t the show be about these people? They actually do something, whereas most of our girls (Rich-Bitch especially) sit around pouting and getting winded if they’re asked to walk to the dinner table.

The leader of the group stops the action and welcomes them to Brazil, introducing himself as Mestre Eddy Murphy and informing the girls that what they’ve been watching is capoeira, a Brazilian form of martial art. Six sphincters involuntarily clench when he tells them “everyone can learn this!”…

…and they better or he’ll kick their asses…

How strange is it that this guy’s name is Eddy Murphy, but he looks almost exactly like (much better actor) Don Cheadle? I can forgive the name, please just don’t put on a fat suit, EddyDon, there’s enough depression in America right now. Anyhow, he’s extolling the virtues of capoeira for it’s flexibility, confidence and “ability to create drama” which will help them in their modelling careers. Well, they’ve got one of the three pretty much nailed down already.

Right there on the open street, EddyDon starts showing the girls some basic stances and moves…

…some of which go better than others…

I love that MeeMaw’s the one who does it completely out-of-sync and backwards from everyone else, Rich-Bitch just half-asses it, and Anime-Eyes just looks scared and steps backwards without bothering to try it at all. Each of the girls gets a turn with EddyDon to try some different moves, and MeeMaw grasps right away how this skill can be translated into modelling…

…or she’s going to try to take him down with her old-lady B.O. …

However, Rich-Bitch is just not into this at all, she’s either completely uncoordinated, or she’s embarrassed, or probably both, the fact of which has not escaped AmINuts, “Natalie sucked at the capoeira! She didn’t understand just rocking back and forth… it looked painful to watch her!” Nutsy’s about to learn what real painful is.

Now the girls are paired up with each other to practice, and it’s interesting that there seems to be a little tension between Fo Ho and Teyomboy, at one point Fo lashes out with a kick and almost connects with Teyomboy. I’d be more careful, Fo, you know this girl could break you like a twig. Better still is the combination of AmINuts vs. MeeMaw, which is making the others giggle knowing of their previous drama. They actually look pretty good working together… right up until the point where MeeMaw hauls off and “accidentally” delivers a roundhouse kick into Nutsy’s face…

…and then tries to finish her off with a head-butt…

MeeMaw feels bad… sorta. “It was completely an accident, but… tee hee. That’s for calling me disgusting!” Okay, well, she doesn’t really feel bad at all. AmINuts says she’s okay, but she’s not really fooled, either, “Celia kicked me in the face by accident… but there’s no ‘Ok, my bad.’ the second time. That’s when you get your legs broken.” You betta watch it MeeMaw, I think you just used your freebie.

EddyDon lies to them and tells them they’re all very good capoeiristas, but now they need to change into their uniforms and follow him, where they meet up with Miss J. and Gay-Jay…

…who is unwisely wearing a giant bullseye on the front of his shirt…

…and big surprise, they’ll be using their new capoeira skills in today’s shoot, but instead of fighting each other, they’ll be sparring with a real capoeiristo. Also, today’s prize for having the best photo in the challenge is once again to get 50% more frames, ho-hum, I’m about to fall asleep again… that is, until Gay-Jay reveals the twist… “but you are essentially taking those frames from another girl that you would choose!” I’m so wide awake now.

So is Rich-Bitch for a change, “So you basically screw somebody over by taking away half their frames… that’s power right there, I think that’s sweet!” LOL, for once she and I agree on something.

Now that they’re all making hit lists in their head of whose elimination shoot they want to fuck up, it’s time to start the challenge, and Teyomboy’s the first one out of the gate. Gay-Jay reminds her before they start that she needs to bring the capoeira skills they learned to the photo shoot (and Teyomboy knows she’s got a big target pasted on her as well because of all her recent wins) but she immediately forgets and is just concentrating on the fighting and isn’t even looking at the camera! Not so smart there, Teyomboy…

…fuck the modelling bullshit, she looks like she just wants to get all Tomb-Raidery and kick ass…

Anime-Eyes is next, and she’s doing much better, she’s actually stopping and posing in her cute little kitty-cat fighting mode and letting them photograph her face…

…although her weave continues to thwart her efforts…

Doesn’t she look kind of topless in that picture? Eh-hew. Her final shot is much better…

…but still kinda bunnyfaced…

Of course, MeeMaw is ridiculous as always, she’s doing more dance moves than capoeira, with her usual over-the-top extravagant gestures, but it works for her. Except they wind up with not one, but two shots in a row where her hand has obscured her own face!…

…more like EPIC fail…

Fo Ho is on fiyah! She must be a dancer in her off-time, because she’s got a natural grace and litheness to her movement, plus she’s getting in some really good poses… although Gay-Jay pokes a hole in her happy balloon when he tells her not to forget her face, “It’s getting a little… looking like a pug dog!” There’s that Gay-Jay tact again. Still, she’s making better pictures than the others are…

…she does kinda look like she’s making a bit of bitchtinkle…

One guess as to how Rich-Bitch is doing. Yup, she just does the same kick over and over again, and Miss J. nails her for it, saying there’s nothing capoeira about it, and that she’s a bit clumsy. MeeMaw muses, “I think Natalie’s embarrassed to look stupid. [if that's true then she should never leave the house] She just feels like she has to be hot while doing everything. She doesn’t quite go all out and so a lot of the time she looks silly.”…

…and sleepy, don’t forget sleepzzzzzzzz…

AmINuts is still having some trouble as well and the Gay-J.s make fun of her for her stereotypical facial expressions…

…and they’ve got her down…

Now that everybody’s finished embarrassing themselves, it’s time for the cornholing! Gay-Jay yells at Teyomboy for forgetting there was even a photo-shoot going on (her excuse is “I didn’t have it in my mind, yet.”) and Miss J. takes us to TMI-Landâ„¢ when he says “When you’re sitting down and taking a crap, you have to bring that to modelling because you never know who’s watching… Look!” and he demonstrates Porcelain Pot Posing…

…I doubt he looks that peaceful when making dootie-bubbles…

So I’m curious about that statement… is someone watching these girls in their apartment when they’re going poo? Does some PA working for ANTM have a nasty coprophilia fetish? And what did pooing have to do with this photo shoot? Bitch just forgot to pose, that’s all. Miss J. is gross.

Moving on, Anime is given kudos for being smart about posing and relating to the camera, while MeeMaw is bludgeoned for screwing up her own shots with her stray arms (skeletal as they are, they’re still enough to block her bony face from view). Fo Ho gets praise for surprising Gay-Jay with how she used her body, but her face was still kinda doggie-ey. Rich-Bitch is castigated for doing the same pose every time (Gay-Jay says she almost looked like a can-can dancer) and AmINuts, while having had really strong body posing, is lashed for making her usual pouty kissy-faces. So who’s the winner today?…

…we don’t have to be psychic…

Fo’s ecstatic that she finally won a challenge (I guess she forgot about winning yesterday’s stupid race) and now she has a chance to get in some vengeance, because she immediately picks Teyomboy as her victim for having the number of her frames cut in half on the elimination shoot, saying in confessional “Payback’s a bitch.” To her credit, Teyomboy just keeps a smile on her face and says “I consider Fo a friend, like, she’s a cool person, but it’s like… every man for themselves.” We’ll see how long this calm lasts.

Correio Da Tyra Número Dois! AmINuts reads “Tomorrow you’ll enjoy the fruits of your labor.” MeeMaw hopes it’s a photo shoot with a man feeding them grapes…

…not gonna happen when you already look like an albino raisin…

Later on, Teyomboy wanders off to chat with Fo Ho in the closet. With her normal ladylike manners in full swing (i.e. talking thru a mouthful of toast) she tells Miss Fo, “I feel honored that you picked me ‘cuz it’s like that, you know, I’m a competition to you. I’m not pissed off at you, but if I would have won I wouldn’t have shot your ass down.” Oh, now she’s going to hear it, as Fo Ho spits, “You shot my ass down last challenge!”

BitchHo tries to justify herself in confessional, “I’m glad I totally picked Teyona for this because I know how she can be… and Teyona, now you know exactly what it feels like, it’s a taste of your own medicine.” Wait, what was that? True, she didn’t share a sweet reward with her, but she also didn’t do anything to put Miss Ho at a disadvantage in an elimination photo-shoot either that could get her sent home… which is kind of a crucial difference in the situation. Not to mention the fact that obviously Teyomboy has no clue about Fo Ho being pissed off at her for not sharing with her…

…”Hmmmm, should I share this toast with her face?”…

She sure knows now! “So that’s why you did it? Because you were still mad about that? You should have told me last week!” Fo Ho doesn’t like being reminded of her pettiness, so she’s going on the offensive, “It’s over, okay, so what? But the thing is that you still fucking slapped me in the face last week and that’s still an embarrassment!” Unlike how she’s acting right now.

Teyomboy’s not fazed at all, and the Fo-Friendship Bridge appears to be burning merrily as she interviews, “I actually don’t care if I did hurt Fo’s feelings, just like you think I’m like one of your best friends or whatever… but you just did that!” She shrugs, “You gonna need them extra fifty frames!”

The next day they’re off to a graffiti-riddled part of the city to meet Gay-Jay. This is one of the favelas of Sao Paulo, which Gay-Jay tells them are “neighborhoods that were originally built by the poor”. The direct translation I’m getting is much more bluntly labeled as “slum quarter”.

So why are they there? For some strange reason Gay-Jay starts asking if they know who Carmen Miranda is. He’s met with crickets until he asks them if they’ve seen a Chiquita banana and pantomimes a silly hip-swinging dance. Ugh, this is also wrong, because Carmen Miranda never shilled for Chiquita (even if her image influenced their logo). However, this misplaced image is the one that turns a dim light on in their heads (Teyomboy hilariously refers to her as the “chica banana lady” and crows “I seen them bananas all the tiiime!”) and now they are being told they will be styled like Carmen for today’s photo shoot…

…”I hate that fucking banana bitch.”…

What this has to do with being photographed in the slum quarters? You’ve got me. My guess is that it was cheaper to shoot there than somewhere more upscale in Sao Paulo. At any rate, Gay-Jay’s letting them know that they need to bring Carmen Miranda’s kind of Brazilian sex-appeal to the photo shoot. Rich-Bitch is happy because she can finally shine on this one, “I was just, like, OMG, finally something that I’m good at!” Um, he said “sex-appeal” not “narcolepsy”.

Today’s guest photographer is Daniel Klajmic, and he’s kind of cute in a bearish sort of way…

…Finalmente, um urso erótico!…

What’s even stranger is, I did a little background research on him and found on his website this weirdly trannyish (and kinda unflattering) portrait of Helô Pinheiro…

…between the butch pose, the manly arms and the crotch-package, can you blame me for thinking that?…

Then again, he also has proudly displayed a photo he took of a blow-up sex-doll’s vagina. I don’t know why. Nothing makes any sense in Brazil. At any rate, the girls are off to see SlutAnn in hair and makeup, and they’re still calling Carmen the “Chica Banana”. SlutAnn tries to edumacate them a little, telling them that Carmen was one of the highest paid entertainers of her time.

Rich-Bitch wants to know if Carmen was “like, really over-the-top” and SlutAnn agrees that Miranda was “always very smiley and festive and all about her shoulders and she was always very sexy and latinnnnnn…” Of course, Anime morbidly wants to know “Did she die a normal death?” to which SlutAnn responds cheekily “She died a painfullll deaaaath!” and they all giggle…

…I hope she haunts your ass, Anime…

Of course, they could not possibly know that Carmen Miranda suffered a heart attack on live television during the Jimmy Durante Show, and died of a more massive coronary later that same night. There’s even a video of it, watch right around the 3:54 mark, it’s creepy. Then again, so is Anime.

Anyhow, MeeMaw’s loving the fact that the makeup is so colorful and fresh and bright and vibrant, and she’s entranced by the flouncy wardrobe, clunky jewelry and the fun headpiece filled with fruit and flowers. SlutAnn’s looking on while she’s being fitted and comments on her outfit, “I mean, this is like Saturday night for me!” LOL, I could so see SlutAnn in drag and lip-synching to “The Lady In The Tutti Frutti Hat”!

Now that she’s all dolled up it’s time to hit the streets! Uh oh, I suddenly hear the Sad Latin Guitar Of Guiltâ„¢ playing, and MeeMaw says that being in the “favelo” (incorrect word) is “really moving and touching to get a glimpse of how these people live, you know?” Shots of grubby children playing with dog-turds in the gutter flash by in juxtaposition to MeeMaw swaying through the street like a psychotic and wizened piece of candy…

…you better hold onto that hat, these kids look hungry…

Ah, but then the pseudo-hip-hop starts playing again and I guess we’re over our bout of Poor-People-Guiltâ„¢. MeeMaw’s posing by a staircase and doing her usual contortions and undulations, but Gay-Jay’s not feeling like it’s provocative or cutting-edge. Privately he says he loves how she’s moving “but I wouldn’t call it incredible!”…

…too bad that kid couldn’t have kicked that ball the other way…

Talk about a boring pose! This was her “best shot”? I’m guessing the producers must hate her, too. Over in the waiting area, AmINuts and Teyomboy are rehashing her conversation with Fo Ho (who’s sitting about 50 feet away from them and pouting) and Teyomboy’s insisting she’s not upset with Fo for cutting her frames down, in fact she claims to be flattered that Fo thinks she’s such competition. Nutsy says Fo is “still a child and you can’t come at her like that, ‘cuz you’re not her mom.”

They’re not making any particular effort to lower their voices and Miss Ho interviews “I think that Aminat and Teyona were talking crap about me behind my back, so I’m like ‘Screw you, bitches!’, like, I’m glad I took Teyona’s pictures!”…

…and really, they are talking to the side of her head…

Sorry, honeypies, but I can’t feel sorry for her… this is what happens when you start shit, you have to be prepared for people not to like you very much, and I think her whole response to this has been way out of proportion to the original (perceived) slight.

It’s Anime’s turn in de ghetto, and she actually looks quite pretty (for a change) and is getting some different facials and poses in… but weirdly, her final shot is also blah…

…like a shy hooker…

Gay-Jay says that today Anime’s face “came alive” and she was “kinda sexy”. I don’t know why they chose the most post-mortem-like of her pictures then. Maybe they hate her, too.

Rich-Bitch is wobbling her way out to the shoot and almost falls over in her high-heels because the street is made of *gasp* dirt. Gay-Jay tells her to bring the sensuality, she says okay, and then goes right back to her normal ‘tardface that she clearly thinks is super-white-hot. It’s pretty obvious though, that she’s not very comfortable in these non-affluent surroundings, as she nervously notes “You know, I thought that today we were just gonna come to the normal set that we do… but then we get here and it’s not a good area, it’s kind of a poor area, and I’m like, are we in the right spot? Because, we’ve never done anything like this!”

Um, done anything like what? Consent to allow people who make under $350K a year to exist in the same space with you? It’s not like they’ve been dropped off at Sao Paulo Maximum Security Men’s Prison for the shoot, there are really just a bunch of grimy little kids sitting around watching the pretty painted ladies get their pictures taken (in broad daylight, no less) it’s about as threatening-looking as a daycare center. Even better still is when a stray dog comes wandering up into Rich-Bitch’s shot…

…I guess one bitch always recognizes another…

Gay-Jay’s watching Rich-Bitch sit and pose, and he suddenly gushes “You have no idea how gorgeous that is!” I was hoping he was talking about Daniel Klajmic’s ass-crack, but nope, he means the RB and her sullen “sexy” faces. Bleh…

…having the dog in there was way more exciting…

Now AmINuts gets to take her turn, and she’s perched on top of some kind of picnic table and after a few shots, Gay-Jay stops and suggests that she use some of the capoeira moves from the teach (you know, so it doesn’t totally look like it was a pointless exercise?) because right now she’s not posing with her whole body. Taking his advice, she just purses her lips a little more. For the 893 million-billion-trillion-quillion-skillion-hillion-zillionth time, he says she just shuts down whenever she gets on set, and has no clue how to bring her personality into the photo-shoots…

…uh-oh, she’s doing Tyra’s “classic black girl” pose again!…

It’s almost time for Teyomboy to go shoot her paltry 25 frames, and Nutsy’s advising her to “sex that camera up”. Teyomboy says she’s just going to stay calm and treat it like she would any other photo shoot and pretend like she has just as many frames as everybody else. Wow, it looks like Teyomboy’s been practicing on her smile, because it’s no longer a bad PoliDent ad, it looks almost natural (if still a tad squinty). Gay-Jay is impressed that she’s working so well with him, especially given the limited number of exposures she has…

…I think she looks pretty, with just a hint of ho-ish-ness…

I’m not sure, but it seems like she did just fine in only 25 shots. Now, with three times as many pictures comes the New And Improved Super-Cunty Fo Hoâ„¢ (with Extra Bitchyness and Needless Drama included!) and how is she doing? Welllll, Gay-Jay doesn’t like the fact that she’s giving him “too literal” an interpretation of Carmen Miranda… he complains “I mean, it was Carmen Miranda, on crack, as a drag-queen!” Well, if anybody would know that combination, I’m guessing Gay-Jay would. Intimately. *sigh* I guess you can’t win with these idiots, some of them will undoubtedly get violated for not being Carmen Miranda enough…

…while Fo Ho is likely to get a beat-down for being too “chica banana”…

Now he’s telling her to stop posing and just pretend she’s in jeans and a T-shirt. Huh? Fo Ho confuse too, she has no idea what it is that he wants (other than to obviously trip her up for winning the “extra frames of death”). When they finally reach the last shot, he shrugs and tells her “It wasn’t the most genius, I’m not gonna lie… you definitely needed the extra frames.” Tsss-burn! And with that they’re done…

Correio Da Tyra Número Três! “We know that none of the photo-shoot elements today made any sense or were even attainable, but that’s really too damned bad, one of you bitches is still going to get an exit stamp on their visa. See you tomorrow.” Rich-Bitch believes that she’s in no danger, “It would be hard to find a bad picture” of her. Really?…

…took me two seconds…

It’s time for Judges Panel, and Tyra ain’t looking so hot. In fact, she looks downright ill…

…maybe it’s Miranda’s Revenge?…

Ah, but she manages to dredge up a smile and welcome the girls with a “Bem-vindos, Ladies!” (which is incorrect, I think when addressing females the gender should be “Bem-vindas” but why would we be surprised she got it wrong?) Today’s guest judge is MottaMouth! Oooh, I wonder if she’s going to like having to take a back seat on this show since she’s so used to being in the HBIC position!…

…she’s not “smiling with her eyes”, so my guess is that’s a big fat Não!…

And wow, I wasn’t aware that ANTM is in over 120 countries! Watch out, Oprah, Ty-Ty’s hot on your tail to challenge you for world-domination! Although, I have to wonder how much fun it is to watch, say, “Iran’s Next Top Model”. Anyhow, before they get started Tyra graciously explains to the other judges that the girls were shooting their photos in a favela… “Which is kinda like da ‘hood in Brazil here!” and that they were to embody Carmen Miranda.

AmINuts is first up, and right away Porizkunty compliments her on her dress and says “Your skin looks like lacquer!” Nutsy admits, “I got some sun!” which makes Tyra declare she wouldn’t recommend any of them get a lot of sun. AmINuts agrees, “I don’t wanna get any chocolatey-er…” and Ty-Ty cuts her off, “I’m not talkin’ ’bout color, I’m talkin’ ’bout health!” Ohhh-kay. Somebody’s feeling crampy. Anyhow, they bring up her photo…

…which prolly won’t make Tyra feel any better…

Sex-God says it’s nothing spectacular, and MottaMouth chimes in with “I like de fayees bud I’m noshure abboudda bodee.” Porizkunty and Miss J.Moe also clock her for doing what Ty-Ty labels the “101 Black Girl Model Poseâ„¢” Nutsy’s not happy hearing this and tries to defend herself, “In my defense, I did move around…”

Big mistake! With her smile turning icy, Tyra spits back “No, you didn’t… I think in your head you feel like you’re doing so so much… but you’re not, Aminat!” Oh, I guess we can add “clairvoyance” to the list of amazing abilities that Tyra has. Porizkunty goes even further as she says “Aminat, you are beautiful… and you are boring.” Well, I hate to agree with Porizkunty, but Nutsy’s pictures are often visual Ambien.

Rich-Bitch is ready to hear twenty-nine kinds of praise for her awesome sexiness…

…which tends to look more like mono…

And oh boy, Sex-God puts her on blast, “We’ve seen this sexy, sultry look on your face the whole time! And Carmen Miranda was known for having a bit of spice, a sense of humor!” Miss J.Moe says she looks “exhausted” (called it!) and MottaMouth says “I thing da pose ees grayde bud da spargling ees meesseeng.”

Suddenly, Rich-Bitch has read my mind, and she actually speaks up, “Well, what’s strange about this is, when I was shooting Jay was giving me… every single shot, he was like, ‘That’s perfect!’, so he’s like ‘Don’t change what you’re doing, I love what you’re doing!’” OMG, that’s a totally valid point! How is Ty-Ty going to defend against that?!?!?…

…by channelling Beelzebub to smite this impertinent mortal…

Blood would clash with that schoolmarm outfit, so instead she puts the blame back on Rich-Bitch, “Don’t let a photographer or an art director to say you’re doing great and to only do one thing, because you really only did two poses. So if he says it’s great, it’s great, it’s great, you know, after about ten frames you go ‘Okay, let me switch it up, is that okay?’” Rich-Bitch says she tried to do that and claims he told her to go back to what she was doing. “For fifty frames?” demands Ty-Ty, “So Jay wants you to do the same exact thing for fifty frames!” Rich-Bitch insists he did…

…guess who’s siding with Tyra?…

Wow, I just gained some respect for Rich-Bitch, she’s the only one who’s had the guts to stand up, have some backbone and point out the randomness of these critiques to Tyra’s face! How sad for her that her last meal was probably pizza.

Oh well, it’s MeeMaw’s turn. When her picture comes up she tries to head them off at the pass by suggesting “It’s sultry?”…

…I guess so, if you’re turned on by rigor mortis…

Porizkunty says the spark of Carmen Miranda is not there. Then again, Carmen probably didn’t have half her vision blinded by a giant banana leaf. Ty-Ty says it was her weakest shoot since she’s been in the competition. MeeMaw kisses ass and agrees. I won’t kiss ass, and I agree, too.

Time to check in with Anime-Eyes. OMG, Sex-God says he likes it! He claims it has the “essence” of Carmen! Porizkunty says she loves it, and that Anime is “adorable”…

…What. The. Fuck! …

Just so we’re crystal clear here…

…the many facets of Anime-Eyes…

They are just falling all over themselves telling her how alive and sexy she looks, and my head is ready to split open and my already fermented brains are going to tumble down into my overly-generous lap.

It’s challenge winner Fo Ho’s turn, and Miss J.Moe immediately beats her down for “looking quite casual today” in her multicolored tank-top and jeans combo. Sex-God disagrees, he thinks she looks sexy and smiley and Tyra says “Like Nigel says, even when you look busted if you’re happy and smiling, it’s okay!” I hope somebody throws that shit in her face the next time they show up looking rotted and she yells at them for it. Anyhow, they look at her picture…

…very fruity…

Sex-God calls it cute, but doesn’t like the fact that it looks like a remake of a shot from a Carmen Miranda film, it’s too literal. So now, there’s too much Carmen essence? I give right the fuck up.

Teyomboy is up last, and they flame her for wearing what Tyra thinks is a tacky yellow nightie. But she looks happy and smiley! I thought that meant busted was “okay”!! Aaaaurgh! Fuck this shit, let’s check the photo…

…suddenly I’m craving a salad with cranberries…

Sex-God says he doesn’t get Carmen Miranda out of it “at all” (is that a good thing? a bad thing? does it mean anything “at all”?) but she looks “sassy” and fantastic. Tyra weighs in saying she’s working that door and that she looks “at home in this environment, it almost feels like you live there!” Ooh, Teyomboy, I think Ty-Ty just called you a ghetto-ass! She does give Teyomboy kudos for having pulled out such a great picture with only 25 frames (and Fo Ho looks like she could cheerfully snatch the girl baldheaded right now).

I’m not even going to bother with the private deliberations tonight because these fuckers have me so pissed off right now with their glaring inconsistency and sheer stupidity of their so-called “expert opinions”. I realize the real modelling world is full of this shit, too, but I have had enough for one night…

…this is exactly how I look right now (only less sexy)…

One thing I must say, when they are discussing MeeMaw, Porizkunty calls her “not terribly photogenic, really.” and Ty-Ty mentions to her that MeeMaw is twenty-five (and Porizkunky gives a horrified face that makes her look about sixty) but when she’s editing her close-ups Ty-Ty says “She looks my age!” I guess that means the inevitable campaign for elder-euthanasia has begun.

So when the girls are called back, who has the best photo of the night? Fuck me with a cactus, it’s ANIME! Such total bullshit. She’s followed by Teyomboy, Fo Ho, and MeeMaw, leaving AmINuts and Rich-Bitch in the bottom. And it’s Rich-Bitch going home! Whoa! Her final shot when Tyra hugs her says it all…

…ahhh, if only she had a machete…

Of course, she’s pissed that “Somebody had a worse picture than me, and they got to stay!” but she’s going to head back home to Xanadu (a.k.a. Palos Verdes, California) and “start over”. I’m guessing that means a nice long nap.

And we’re out! What did you think of this episode? Could this judging crap get any more fucked up? Do you think Fo Ho is becoming needlessly bitchy? Is MeeMaw on borrowed time now that they’ve noticed how old she is? Thanks again for reading, I appreciate all of you who take time to slog through my big bag of bullshit every week.

love, J-Mo