America’s Next Top Model: Allemande Left And A Go-See-Go!

W’sup girls’n'boys? Welcome back to Brazil, home of elite fashion designers, thick accents and zero labia hair, and I have some pressing questions for you all. Have you ever wondered what some of these girls would look like wearing a doily and some dental floss? Would you be interested in watching Sex-God Nigel Barker making obscene sexual pantomimes on a beach? Better still, wanna see how incredibly smokin’ hot I’d be in a Speedo? How about this… I’ll give you all three at once…

…boners for everyone!…

Yay for fat guys! And skeletons! Anyblub, on tonight’s installment of America’s Next Top Model it’s time once again for the annual “go-sees” episode, which is always a hoot to watch these mental giants have to take on the extremely taxing assignment of getting in a cab, going to an address, and meeting with snooty designers to try on clothes and walk around in the hopes of being chosen to walk around wearing these clothes to annoying techno-music. You and I (and millions of desperate Americans these days) do this same kind of thing, except we call it “job hunting”. More juicy tidbits to come after the jump…I want to say right up front that I have been having a lovely time reading the extremely bitter exit interviews given by one Miss Natalie Pack, a.k.a. Rich-Bitch (or, as she’d like to be known: Not-Really-That-Rich-Or-Bitchy-It-Was-All-The-Fault-Of-Editing-And-Tyra-Is-Favoring-The-Black-Girls!) in which she claims to have really gotten along with everybody in the house. Well, that explains why AmINuts and Teyomboy both spit and make the Sign of the Evil-Eye whenever her name is mentioned…

…like Gums Giraud’s dad is doing here…

…and Brazil appears to be overjoyed to see the ass-end of Rich-Bitch as well…

Post-elimination and back at the BrazilloPad, AmINuts is feeling relieved at once again having escaped elimination by the skin of her (slightly gapped) teeth, and Teyomboy’s admitting she really didn’t care for Rich-Bitch because she thought she was so much better than everybody else. “When she got sent home I was like, ‘Good, that’s what you needed, ‘cuz you weren’t that great!’” Yes, I can see how you all really got along famously, RB!

Not only are Nutsy and Teyomboy trash-talking our Fallen Diva and her Duchess-Downer complaining, but MeeMaw hops on this Hogpile of Hate as well, “It literally pains me to think that, like, you wouldn’t appreciate this!” as she gestures towards the magnificent view of Sao Paulo laid out below them. You know what else pains her?…

…cranky bowels…

MeeMaw is suddenly proud of her advanced age, “I’m 25! I think I have so much more insight than any of these girls! Most of the girls who do this are ten years younger than me… but to know that I still have this potential at this age, I think, speaks very very loudly…” Note that she doesn’t say it speaks well, just loudly… as people are wont to do when someone forgets to check and replace their Bel-Toneâ„¢ batteries regularly.

Correio Da Tyra Número Um! Fo Ho reads (with her mouth full) “You need to (*chomp*) hit the ground running (*chew*) if you want to (*swallow*) fly!” MeeMaw guesses “Maybe it’s parasailing!” but AmINuts disagrees, venturing her own guess, “Maybe it could be, like, those hang-gliding things!” MeeMaw looks at her sideways and testily says “That is hang-gliding!” Poor MeeMaw, her amazing insight is always underappreciated.

Realizing that they’ve completely ignored it for the last few episodes, the producers insist that the girls go admire Anime-Eyes’ awesome “digital art” photo…

…I may have added a few extra adjectives…

Instead of feeling confident, though, Anime’s just feeling nervous from the pressure to do well this week also. This is quite puzzling, because modelling is a mostly pressure-free profession, isn’t it? At any rate, they’re sitting around having dinner and congratulating themselves on being “The Top Five” (much like they sat around and congratulated themselves on being “The Top Thirteen” several weeks back) and Fo Ho admits she never thought she’d get this far, because “Everything in my life has been half-assed… like, high school was half-assed for me! Accomplishing this would be proving to myself that I can do things.” Like become a full ass on national TV! Of course, at this point she also remembers that out of all the remaining girls, she’s the shortest at 5’8″, so she realizes she needs to try harder and “look six feet tall”. She better start wearing a fauxhawk.

The next day the girls take a bus to the Headquarters for Sao Paulo Fashion Week where they meet up with the Director Paulo Borges, who comes right out and starts speaking Portuguese to the girls… who have no idea what he’s saying at all…

…luckily for Anime, the captions appeared right in front of her…

Fortunately he has a translator there by the name of Fabienne Muzy, who explains to the girls, “Toodaiy wiwill immolate a daiy indelaife uvva reel warking modull… anduh, we havuh praypaireduh forjoo fife guh-seez!” So the girls will be setting themselves on fire while attempting to play the Brazilian National Anthem on a tiny flute. No, wait, that’s not right. OH, they’ve set up five go-sees for the girls to embark upon! Well, thanks for that crystalline translation Miss MuzzyMouth! You’re almost ready to go to work at the United Nations, but you need to watch some more reruns of Roseanne so you can learn how to talk American betterer. And stuff.

OMG, Anime just let loose with a small fudgy jet all down the back of her Holly Hobby UnderRoos, the very thought of having to do go-sees makes her super-nervous! “And I don’t know why!” she wails. MuzzyMouth doesn’t make things any better for her as she blabbles on, “De Brasilian deezainairs een Sao Paulo arr lucking forra modull weestyull… pairsunulttee… ansull…”…

…they might as well have substituted the “Waw waaaaw waw waaaaaw wawwaw” sounds from Charlie Brown…

So they need soul, huh? MeeMaw and Anime are so screwed. Nevertheless, MeeMaw is all business now because she understands the extreme importance of this challenge, “You have to impress all these people, because ultimately they’re who give you your jobs!” Oh, wait, Paulo’s speaking some more Portuguese… shhh, let’s listen!…

…”Você precisará de visitar estes desenhadores quando vestido na roupa das prostituta. Você pode ter o sexo com o alguma deles a fim convencê-los para dar-lhe um trabalho. Ao executar o sexo da boca, seus bordos devem estar separados distante húmido e seu os dentes mantido. Ninguém gosta de seu pénis ou clitóris de começ dano com abrasões. Seja certo trazer também hortelã da respiração!”…

MuzzyMouth translates that Paulo said they can go to all five designers in any order they like, but they need to meet back with her at the designated address no later than 3:30pm! Their taxis await, so, Boa sorte, cadelas! The girls each grab their portfolio book (helpfully made up of only their ANTM challenge photos… I’m sure that paint-on-the-face shit will be helpful.) and head out to the taxis with their mapped out locations to begin the challenge!

Aaaaaand ten seconds in they are all immediately bitching about how baaaaad the traffic is… AmINuts proves she’s nuts when she claims it’s worse than L.A and NYC combined. I dunno about NYC, but I can tell you that I have spent days inching along La Cienega, Santa Monica, Highland, Sepulveda, Hawthorne and Balboa Boulevards (not to mention hanging out in the parking lots known as I-10, the 101, I-5 and the 405) so I’m very familiar with the phrase “six hours to get milk and a pack of smokes”. In other words, leave the hyperbole to the experts, Nutsy.

They’ve only got a total of four hours, and MeeMaw’s got a strategy planned, she’s going to work from the furthest location backwards, so she heads over to Adriana Degreas first. Teyomboy apparently had the same thought, because she goes there, too, just in time to see MeeMaw exit her cab and get in the door first! Damn, she’s pissed and fumes, “I’m not tryina wait for anybody, they needa wait for me!” so she leaves to go elsewhere. Feeling victorious, MeeMaw meets with Adriana, and the first question out of their mouths is…

…based on this ultra-flattering picture, I would have guessed “somewhere between menopause and corpse-decay”…

When she tells them she’s 25, Adriana’s assistant Caio has to stifle a giggle. MeeMaw says that go-sees are so nerve-wracking “because you don’t know what the designer wants!” I would assume they want someone born in the 1990′s. Still, they let her try on a diaphanous curtain that has the image of the famous Rio De Janeiro “Christ The Redeemer” statue on it…

…there are so many things wrong with this picture, the worst of which is the fact that MeeMaw’s ass-cheeks appear to have given Christ a pair of low-hanging boobs…

After she’s finished Caio says “Ceeliyah haz ayvreytheeng to beecomm liyeek a supairmodull bot shee haz problaym ovv Ceeliyah’s ayge…” Still, he claims Adriana would book her. For what, I dunno. Do they have an AARP Newsletter in Brazil?

It’s time to check in with Anime-Eyes, who nervously says these are her first go-sees ever and she’s self-conscious about her horrible walk. She stops off at Osklen first and meets up with Oskar Metsavaht, who says he liked her personality, but she was very shy. Looking over her portfolio he tells her “I liyeek you een peectchurss.” Instead of just leaving it there, Anime offers to walk for him in one of his dresses, and starts prancing about the room like some underfed Clydesdale in an earthquake. Oskar is suitably impressed…

…”That dress looked more graceful on the hanger.”…

When she mercifully finishes, Glum-Faced Oskar tells her she walked too slowly. Anime giggles nervously and apologizes, “I’m really nervous! I’m, like, shaking!” Naturally, Glum-Face really doesn’t give a shit about that, and his honest assessment of her is, “Shee can beeuh goot for photo-campayeens, bot shee’s notuh raiydee foruh ketwok… edall!” In case you didn’t decipher it: Anime + Pictures = Yes. Anime + Catwalk = Laughingstock x Ruination.

Meanwhile, MeeMaw’s decided she’s going to walk to most of the other sites, she believes spending precious minutes in the car is going to waste tons of time. Fo Ho, on the other hand, ain’t walking anywhere, and she has the cab driver practically pull up into the doorway of Cris Barros before she gets out of the taxi.

Meeting with Cris herself, Fo Ho is very personable, adopting the Brazilian custom of women greeting each other by alternating cheek-kisses, and Cris seems to like her immediately, saying she’s “a very nice girl, I like her ethnic look and her face is strong!” Fo gets to walk for Cris, who advises her to try and be a little bit more natural…

…well, how natural do you expect her to be when you put her in a First Communion dress?…

Afterwards, Cris admits that “Fo should be taller.” and that her lack of height would make it “complicated for the clothes”. I had no idea clothes could be so sensitive! Now I feel like I should start apologizing to that dirty pile of jeans laying helplessly on the floor in my closet… but I won’t because they’re so damned lazy, they won’t even bother to put themselves in the washing machine. Fuckers.

Over at Huis Clos, MeeMaw is meeting with head designer Clo Orozco (who looks uncomfortably like Yoko Ono, dark shades and all) and who else shows up? Teyomboy again! She hasn’t seen one single designer yet, because everywhere she goes some other girl has already gotten there first! So, once again, instead of waiting for MeeMaw to finish, she just up and leaves. Impatient, much?…

…This is not the face you want behind you in line at the DMV…

AmINuts has entered Ellus Limited where she’s kissing ass at the speed of light with designer Adriana Bozon, gushing over how “amazing” her clothes look. She admits in confessional that her pictures have not been all that hot, but knows she has one of the strongest walks of all the girls, which she happily demonstrates for Miss Bozo, who immediately says she would book Nutsy for a fashion show… but for a photo campaign, not so much.

Teyomboy’s headed over to Ellus as well, and luckily AmINuts is just leaving, so nobody gets bitchslapped or beat down. Miss Bozo puts Teyomboy in some torn-up jeans and a silvery moon-jacket and lets her strut her stuff…

…it’s like a trailer for “Joisey Goils… In…. Spaaaaaaace“!…

Apparently, this look is very pleasing to Miss Bozo, because she says she would definitely want Teyomboy to be in her show! Yay for finally meeting with somebody, Little Miss I-Can’t-Wait! With 2 hours remaining, the number of go-sees they’ve each completed is: MeeMaw – 3, AmINuts – 2, Teyomboy – 2, Fo-Ho – 2 and Anime-Eyes – 2.

Over at Osklen, Glum-Face is impressed with AmINuts’ walk and says he’d book her for his ketwok, but over at Adriana Degreas, Bitchy Assistant Caio is watching Fo Ho model a bikini and (apparently) speaking for Adriana he garbles, “Sheewoo nott boook Fo, shee eez nod quite highah forr de bitchwearr liyeen!” Wait, how tall do you have to be to wear a fucking swimsuit? Is she so short that the bottom is dragging on the ground?

…I think even Adriana might believe Caio needs a good punch to the nuts. Or a blowjob. …

Way to shave there, El Schlubbo. Fo Ho’s waiting in the cab, she’s stressed because she knows time is of the essence here, and since the traffic is so bad that it’s eating up the minutes rapidly, “I almost wanna cry! [shocker!] I hope this really doesn’t screw me over!” Honey, forget about the clock, I think it’s your genetics that are about to do you in!

Suddenly they only have an hour and ten minutes left, and Fo Ho’s still trapped in the back seat of a taxi, and pestering the driver every 10 seconds with “Are we there yet?” I wouldn’t be shocked if she wound up in Rio De Janeiro. Or Ecuador. She’s really losing her shit, “I’m very nervous right now, I have all these go-sees to go see. I’m not sure what time it is right now and I’m freaking out!” Well, perhaps she should have tried purchasing one of those teeny-tiny clocks that you can actually wear on your wrist!…

…it might have proven a tad more useful than that friendship bracelet…

She’s meeting with Glum-Face over at Osklen, and admits to him that she’s a little short, but that she gives it her all (since she gave up half-assing). He has her attempting to walk while wearing an iridescent-green lampshade from the 60′s! That dress is fugly and moves about as well as sheet metal. Glum-Face no likuh! “Fo… hair bodee nott forr ketwokkeeng… Aiwood zay shee eez muchmorr forr, maiybee commairshill dan forr hai-fashunn.” Still, she gives him kissy-smoochies as she leaves.

Now they’re down to 55 minutes, and Teyomboy has decided to return to Huis Clos to meet with Yoko Onozco, who is immediately smitten, “Mai furzz imprayshon ovv Teyona izzde baiste! Ailike hair styull, vayree sheekuh!” Teyomboy rocks her walk for Yoko, who loves it so much she begins to break things and caterwaul and paint herself in chocolate while chanting “Number 9? Number 9?”…

…”Os povos precisam de parar de responsabilizar-me pela dissolução do Beatles!”…

Now Anime’s about to meet with Bitchy Caio and Adriana Degreas, and after she gets done stilting her way around in a swimsuit, Adriana tells her to relax. Anime tries the “I’m so nervous!” line again. Now she’s in another one of their flimsy sexy muumuus and Caio’s trying to tell her to do a little bit of an arm-twirl to show off how erotic mosquito netting can be… the results are about as expected…

…I dunno about you, but I’m sure turned on…

Watch out, Anime, that hanger could have been another model on the catwalk! Except the hanger is way too fat. At any rate, Anime asks for a do-over and tries again, managing to miss whopping that giant rack of clothes with her stick-like arm this time. Caio tells us “Udriana woood boook Alleesonn mayeebe forr add compaiyeen, sommteeng liguh dat, nodd forruh fashunn-shouww!” Ever graceful to the end, Anime gets caught in the dressing room curtain on the way out. *forehead-slap*

Now they have just over 30 minutes left! AmINuts is meeting with Cris Barros and trying on dresses when MeeMaw shows up. Cris asks her to “wait some meenuts?” which MeeMaw agrees to do, and while she’s waiting, she’s watching Nutsy stroll in a purple explosion of ruffles and says “Her walk is beautiful, she has an amazing walk!” However, AmINuts confesses, “I would like Celia to go home… no offense to her, but she looks old! You know, she doesn’t look young, she doesn’t look fresh.” Yeah, and suddenly she doesn’t look like as much of a bitch, either.

Cris herself says she likes MeeMaw and her confidently elegant walk, and believes the old girl has a great career in front of her. And guess who shows up on the doorstep now? Teyomboy again! Dayum! Denied a third time at the hands of MeeMaw! Teyomboy’s already got 3 go-sees under he belt, so she thinks about it for a minute and decides to high-tail it back to the rendezvous address so as to make it there on time. “I’d rather be 20 minutes early and only see 3 than see 4 and be late, so…” She arrives at 3:19pm and is the first one there.

10 minutes left and AmINuts and Anime are racing back towards the rendezvous address. Anime is freaking out (natch!) and asking the cab driver if they’ll get there soon…

…this was my dad’s standard response to that same question (except it was often accompanied by a backhand as well)…

AmINuts snickers, “I hope none of them are there, and they’re all late, and I’m the only one, and I get to win!” I dunno about all of them, but it looks like Fo Ho really has lost track of time, because she’s at Huis Clos walking for Yoko Onozco, and she appears to be the only one who went to all five designers. Yoko also clocks Fo Ho as being very commercial, saying she prefers her in photos because “Shee eez not vayree toll!” Great, and now Fo’s only got 7:20 to get back to the rendezvous.

Across town, AmINuts heads into the boardroom and joins Teyomboy, and she’s so ecstatic she’s doing the Cabbage-Patch Dance, “I made it back on time, I was not late! I had, like, 10 minutes to spare… which is good, ‘cuz I’m African and I’m never on time…”

…well, yay for reinforcing the stereotype of CPT, Nutsy!…

Anime also joins them with 1:05 to spare! Whew! AmINuts asks if anybody was behind her, and Anime says nopers. MeeMaw’s just pulling up outside and still believes she’s right on time and walks into the room at 3:31, where the others call out “Laaaaate!” MeeMaw’s insisting she wasn’t, “I’m not late, I was downstairs, it took me forever to get up here, like, I’m not late, I’m fine.” Teyomboy’s not buying it, though, “You are late.”

You know who clearly is, though? Fo Ho doesn’t drag her ass in there until 3:50, and is most likely disqualified! Suddenly they are joined by Vanessa Da Silveira, who is Paulo Borges’ assistant. She greets them and apologizes to them that Paulo won’t be able to be there, but says that he wants her to bring them back to Sao Paulo Fashion Week Headquarters. She asks them to follow her, and as they’re climbing a staircase she turns around and says “Because time is of the essence… we’re gonna go by helicopter!”

Squeals all around! MeeMaw is especially thrilled, “Oh great! I’ve never been on a helicopter, I’m, like, so excited!” and they make their way up onto the rooftop helipad. Wow, what a treat for them! Ahhhh, but without warning Vanessa turns around again and shouts over the din of the whirling rotors, “Sorry, girls! Celia and Fo… both of you were late! So you are disqualified from this task! There’s a cab waiting for you downstairs!” And with that, she beckons to Anime, Teyomboy and AmiNuts to join her in the helicopter!

In her confessional MeeMaw insists she had “no idea” she was late, and Teyomboy interviews, “I’m like ha ha ha ha, that’s what you get! Told you, you was late!” Fo Ho’s pissed, too. As if being denied like that wasn’t bad enough, look what happened when the copter took off…

…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!…

As MeeMaw and Fo Ho start their Walk Of Shame towards the taxi, the others are screeching and shrieking and thoroughly enjoying their ride over the rooftops of the skyscrapers in downtown Sao Paulo as they head back over to meet with Paulo and MuzzyMouth at the HQ. MuzzyMouth greets them, “Conngratoolayshunn, yoo havv mediton taiyme!” I see that her Berlitz classes are paying off.

She runs down their stats: Anime managed to get in 4 go-sees and Muzzy says “Ze deezainairs… dey seengdat yoo havvuh vayrey egzoteek fayeez, budda deezainairs beleef datchu seemt vayrey eensickyoor an nairvoos, andat yooaff too pragteez morr yoo wolk!”…

…FAIL…

Moving on to AmINuts, she completed 3 go-sees, “Ameenaah, the deezainairs ollovv yoo vayrey mudge! Theyee theeng thadyoo havva grayde wolk!” Yay for Nutsy! Lastly, Teyomboy completed 3 go-sees as well, “Teeyonnah, dey sayed datchu havvuh vayrey beeyooteefool faze, andey lovvd yoo pairsunulttee. Wan deezainair sayee datchu arr ayvreytheeng dattuh branndeez loookeeng forr!”

Gee, I wonder who’s on top this time? “Soda weiner ofda guh-see challenche weelween a piss frommde colesshun ovv ayvrey deezainair! Anduh weiner eez… TEE-YON-NAH!” Yay, she’s going to finally have something nice to wear for a change (besides her Lesbanian duds & Birkenstocks)!

Back at the BrazilloPad, the girls walk in and find Teyomboy’s winnings laid out on their couch, not just dresses, but accessories, too. Poor MeeMaw, she’s drooling and reaches out to touch one of the bags, which prompts Teyomboy to scream “Hey, don’t touch, don’t touch, don’t touch, don’t touch, don’t touch, don’t touch, I want it all, I want it all, I want it all!”…

…Ahhh, as always, Joisey Goils make the most gracious winners…

Truthfully, I do feel a little bad for Fo Ho and MeeMaw, but then Fo Ho starts crying and whining again about how she wants this soooooo bad, and how much she neeeeds to win this competition, and yup, I’m right back to hating her again. MeeMaw is at least trying to look at the positives, saying “Her wardrobe needed a face-lift, it was in dire need of a face-lift!” She’s feeling the pressure to have a great photo shoot, though, or she’s afraid she’ll be heading home for sure.

Correio Da Tyra Número Dois! Fo Ho reads (while wearing her night-cream!), “Top Models get maximum exposure! Tomorrow you’ll know what that feels like!” AmINuts and Teyomboy take one look at each other and shout in unison, “Baaaathiiiiing suuuuuuits!”, which brings out a priceless expression on Anime’s bunnyface…

…dunh-dunh-DUUUNNNNNNH!…

Sure enough, Anime says she feels she doesn’t have as much of a “swimsuit body” as some of the other girls, and *gasp* she’s going to feel awkward if that’s what they have to wear! You know, that makes two of us, but I take the attitude that people don’t have to look at me if they don’t want to see me in a swimsuit (a.k.a. mostly naked). Plus, Anime has the added ability of being able to stand sideways, at which point she mostly disappears anyhow. Of course, that would make it hard to take her photo, but that’s her problem.

It’s the next morning, and the girls have been bussed the 45+ miles to the ocean to meet Gay-Jay for “a day at the beach”, which is exciting enough by itself, but they become even more crazed when Sex-God comes walking up, holding a map and pretending to not know where the beach is. Instead, why doesn’t he pretend not to know where his pants are? Of course, this means that he will be the photographer for today’s photo shoot, which does turn out to involve the girls modelling “high-fashion swimwear” (sorry, Anime!) There will be several other models in the shot, as well, so the girls will have to make sure they stand out in their photos. This could get ugly…

…and I love it!…

The girls head off to hair and makeup where the fabulous SlutAnn is on hand to help make them look pretty… his bitchy little one-liner of the night is tossed out towards Teyomboy: “If it seems like I’m ignoring you… It’s because I am.”…

…besides, he needs all of his strength to try and do something to Anime’s face that will give the illusion of boobs…

Actually, I don’t blame the queen if he’s ignoring the girls, because all of a sudden there is an awful lot of pixellation going on on my TV screen. OMG, all of those swimsuits are T-backs! They’re putting MeeMaw in a thong!!!…

…except white would completely disappear and she’d look naked…

She’s pretty nervous about it, too, saying she has to get a “number one picture” in this shoot or she’s “completely doomed”… along with millions of innocent corneas all over the nation that will be sizzling and blackened if she’s not careful.

But the first one to go today is AmINuts, and she’s in a yellow bikini that looks fabulous against her skin-tone, and her body is mighty incredible, she’s got long legs and a pair of nicely shaped breasts, and I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence. She looks hot.

She arrives at the set on the beach where Sex-God introduces her to her co-stars in today’s shoot. Nutsy says that they all thought they were going to be competing against several other high-fashion Brazilian models, but it turns out that they are…

…my kind of sexy people (for a change!)…

AmINuts describes them as “These are just local… just, a really interesting mix of people!” Yes, I think so, too, because there’s nary a protruding bone in sight (except for the one in my pants over the chubby daddy there). To be fair, AmINuts isn’t resting on her pretty just because these aren’t a bunch of badass Brazilian bitches she’s working with… she knows she still has to find a way to stand out.

Sex-God says he’s been looking forward to shooting her because she’s the epitome of a “swimsuit model”. She starts off pretty good, and Sex-God’s liking her poses, but then things turn awkward when she strikes a knock-kneed bowlegged pose. Now she’s pretending to ride one of the extras and almost falls off! Still, she looks pretty hot…

…although I am slightly distracted by the guy in the red swimsuit who looks like he’s ready to start sucking on the silver cougar’s toes…

It’s Fo Ho’s turn, and Gay-Jay says she looks gorgeous in her silver-topped bikini. She’s not nervous at all because she knows she stands out amongst these people… the trick is knowing what Sex-God wants. Except she doesn’t seem to be doing very well with that, Sex-God is having to give an awful lot of commands and directions, trying to maximize her height. Gay-Jay winds up stopping the shoot to tell her that the scene is telling such a story that she needs to stop being so safe and get more aggressive.

Privately, Gay-Jay says “Fo? She gives you pose… stretch… and back… and ooh… and eyebrow raise… and it’s just not right, it looked forced, it looked commercial…” You know, come to think of it, his imitations of her did remind me of a commercial…

…thank God for Pepto-Jaysmol…

Back to Fo Ho, she’s suddenly busting out with these weird crouchy hunched-over poses, which makes Sex-God say “What on earth is that?” and Gay-Jay complains that she didn’t interact with any of the other models in the shot and calls out “You’re giving me Gollum again!”…

…it does look kinda like she got caught reaching for The Precious inside Red Suit’s crotch…

I’m curious as to why that photo was done with a fish-eye lens. Hmmmmmm. Anyhow, it’s Anime’s turn, and she says “That was pretty much the smallest bikini I’ve ever worn, ever, in my life? I don’t usually feel like a sexy person!” She’s a little nervous, but she thinks that’s important, because it gives her an adrenaline rush. She’s certainly working the extras…

…hey, hey, hey, hands off the chubcake, Anime!…

Gay-Jay clocks the fact that she’s left some distance between them, and tells her if she’s going to play and be flirty with the extras, she needs to get right on up next to him. She complies, and Gordo looks like he just might have ejaculated a little…

…while Red Suit steals the photo again by leering at Anime’s ass and sporting a boner!…

Sex-God says he was pleasantly surprised by the variety she offered today, and tells her how pleased he is that she moved around and interacted with the other models. That may be true, but there’s a part of me that wonders if she latched on to the fat guy so that she’d look sexier. Still, it wasn’t the same old scaryface she usually gives, so I’m happy for her.

However, there is literally no holding a candle to Teyomboy. It never ceases to amaze me just how fucking gorgeous she looks when they get her made up, and today is no exception, she’s just exquisitely exotic…

…you betta work, bitch!…

She’s doing fairly well, although Gay-Jay catches her hunching her shoulders a bit and looking a tad Godzilla, but the girl listened to Tyra’s unfair complaints against Rich-Bitch last week and suddenly suggests to Sex-God that she wants to try some poses on the ground. Smart move windy-face! We all know that Sex-God likes having to keep up with the models, and he says that while she doesn’t have the best swimsuit body, she understands her angles and knows how to really go for a great pose…

…although Mr. Blue Suit is no slouch, either!…

Why is he wearing Crocs, though? I thought Brazil was more fashion-forward than that. Huh. Anyhow, last up is MeeMaw, and she’s been in the hair & makeup tent practicing in her black bikini. Unfortunately, they’ve given her a Brady Bunch Permâ„¢ on top of her head, she looks very 80′s. Even worse, when she gets to the shoot, she was completely unprepared for the “huge scene of people” which was completely not what she expected and the sudden newness catches her flat-footed. Ruh-roh.

She starts in, and right away Sex-God starts suggesting she interact with Gordo. She gingerly minces over to him reclining on a lounge chair and tentatively lays her hand on his hairy chest. Gay-Jay calls out “Do it, don’t just place your hand there!” and Sex-God agrees, “It looks like you’re just resting it.” For some reason she takes this to mean that…

…she should feel Gordo up…

I’m guessing she might be a tad jealous of his amazing rack. At any tit, Sex-God’s puzzled by her weird behavior, he believes they had a great set-up for her to have fun with, but she’s not connecting with anything in the shot. Suddenly, he hands his camera to his assistant and actually steps into the shot to show her what he’s looking for!

Gay-Jay is not pleased at this turn of events, “It’s very embarrassing when you see the photographer jump in the shot and say ‘This is what I want you to do!’” Sex-God gently kneels down behind Gordo and directs MeeMaw to watch his face as he caresses Gordo’s chubby cheeks and then pantomimes stroking his big belly. He jokes that he really doesn’t want to touch the man’s hairy tits for real, and the two of them share a laugh…

…and now someone’s in love…

MeeMaw’s not laughing, though, and even weirder still, when she gets back into the shot and they start up again, she’s suddenly grabbed handfuls of sand and is letting them rain down onto the beach. Gay-Jay’s murmuring and wondering why she’s doing that. I don’t know, either, maybe it’s symbolic of her time running out on this show and subconsciously she knows that. Or maybe she’s trying to scrub away the sensation of having actually touched someone who was so fat….

…they shoulda gone with the titty-squeezin’ shot…

And that’s a wrap! Yay, we’re done, and now the girls can spend a little time running wild and free on the beach in their barely-theres…

…this one’s for the straight boys… try to ignore MeeMaw’s mud-butt…

Back at the house, it’s time for Correio Da Tyra Número Três! We all know by now that it’s just there to help the girls learn their basic subtraction skillz (5 – 1 = 4) but I thought the shot of them listening to Fo Ho reading was interesting…

…she took so long to sound it out that MeeMaw up and died…

Kidding! She didn’t die, she just missed her nap and fell asleep. MeeMaw’s feeling shitty, and seems certain based on today’s shoot that she’s the one going home. Will you stop saying that, MeeMaw? The Rules of Reality Show Editingâ„¢ dictate that if you keep saying that it means you’re staying, so shut up already!

Of course, they don’t, she and Anime are lounging in the living room like a couple of dried-out slugs and commisserating with each other over the day’s events, and then they start theorizing who’s going home…

…as the Joisey Syndicateâ„¢ eavesdrops outside the door…

Fo Ho’s not too worried, though, she feels like other girls didn’t have nearly as good a photo as she did. Plus, she’s got freckles!! Remember them, Tyra? You just can’t get rid of the girl with the freckles! Even though they’re usually slathered over with makeup, and without the magic of makeup where would we all be?…

…Brooke Shields is proud to show off what she looks like without makeup (or as a man)…

I guess we’re about to find out… OMG, fuck me twice until I cry! Tyra needs to lay off the Aqua-Net, because for some reason tonight she has attached a flight of stairs to her head…

…maybe she’s hoping bigger hair will make her ass look smaller…

After the girls are assembled and Ty-Ty runs through the prize package again (does anyone else find it odd that Seventeen magazine would feature the Jonas Brothers on the cover? Although, as I think about it, I guess that’s really not so strange considering I thought they were a lesbian band for about a year) she introduces tonight’s Guest Judge, who happens to be Cris Barros, one of the designers on the go-sees, and a former model herself. At least she’s qualified to judge, unlike some of the people they’ve had in there this cycle (*cough*ClayGayken*cough*)

First up tonight is Teyomboy, and she’s wearing one of the new designer dresses she picked up, and she looks lovely for a change. Tyra congratulates her on winning the Go-Sees Challenge, and lets her know that she booked 3 out of the 3 that she went on! Yay for batting 1000, Teyomboy! So how did her picture turn out?…

…like a pretty piece of chocolate…

Sex-God gushes that she was fantastic the way she moved around the set, she wasn’t shy. Porizkunty says she knows how to use her body well and she stood out among everybody in the picture. Cris Barros gives her an even better compliment, saying she looks like a “perfect Brazilian girl” in the shot! Miss J.Moe asks her if she bought a new dress, and she tells him it was part of her prize, it’s from Glum-Face’s Osklen Collection. Cris Barros is likely biting off and swallowing the insides of her cheeks right now, but I guess there was no way Teyomboy could have known ahead of time she’d be there. Still, she chose a very nice dress and she looks feminine and pretty outside of a photo shoot for once.

It’s MeeMaw’s turn, and Tyra fills her in on her results: she booked 3 out of 4 castings, but was late and “missed the helicopter”. Wait a minute, that’s not what happened! She was late and they denied her the helicopter. Get your own shit right, Ty-Ty! Regarding her performance in the photo shoot, Sex-God says she seemed distracted, unfocused, and didn’t really come with any particular attitude…

…except the one of “trying to detach her own head”…

He wants to know what happened to her, and MeeMaw admits that she practiced beforehand “for hours”. A collective gasp from the judging panel! Porizkunty enunciates carefully, “Never ever practice a lot before the actual shoot… you always wanna sleep on it!” Tyra blasts her for having “fallen into corniness” with the cheesy way she was playing with props and interacting with the extras. The dark clouds are gathering…

Time to see how AmINuts did! She booked 2 out of 3 go-sees (she’s happy to hear that) but her photo was just kinda meh…

…she’s getting to be as bad as Anime!…

Porizkunty and Miss J.Moe compliment her on how “slammin’” her body looks (and now I have that Prince and Sheena Easton duet “U Got The Look” stuck in my head… thanks, Miss J!… U sho’nuff do be cookin’ in my book!) but they feel like she kind of wasted it in the picture by not doing better poses. Then Tyra does a little name-dropping by telling her that if Nutsy makes it in the modelling industry she would have a body to rival Naomi Campbell’s…

…and something tells me that AmINuts has far more deadly aim with her cell phone…

However, she also goes on to say that she doesn’t think Nutsy really knows what she’s got and that in pictures Ty-Ty is seeing a “waste of a body”.

Speaking of people who would kill for AmINuts’ body, it’s Fo Ho’s turn in the hot-seat. Sex-God tells her straight up that it was very hard to shoot her, especially because of the weird crouchy pose she kept doing. Cris Barros says she looks unnatural, Miss J.Moe says she looked “mooshed” and Porizkunty flat-out blasts her, “This is the worst shot of you yet!”…

…I hate to say it, but I’m getting less “model” and more “oiled-down video skank” here…

Tyra insists on coming out in front of the Judge’s Table to give all of the girls a lesson on proportion, telling them that same line about how things closer to the camera look bigger and blah blah blah. She also forgets to mention the widespread use of a little thing called “Photoshop” which can also help to maximize (or minimize) certain body features. At any rate, once the lesson endeth, Ty-Ty runs back to her seat to drop the bomb that Fo booked zero out of five go-sees! Ouch! Tyra flat-out asks Cris why she didn’t book the girl, and she answers honestly that she needs more practice, and that for a fashion show she just isn’t tall enough.

This leads to Tyra-Lecture #982, entitled “How To Overcome Your Physical Limitations (The Most Obvious Of Which Is That You Are Not Tyra Banks)” where she points out that if Fo Ho had walked in to the go-sees acting like she was six feet tall, then those silly designers would have never actually realized that she was only 5’8″ and they’d have booked her. She goes on to point out that MeeMaw’s handicap is her age, AmINuts and Teyomboy’s is the color of their skin, and Anime’s is her “quirkiness”.

At this point I probably would have pointed out one of Tyra’s new handicaps is her saddlebag thighs and been promptly beheaded, but it would have been almost worth it to see the look on the bitch’s face. This is all such bullshit anyhow, heels or not, confidence or not, designers know when someone is not tall enough, or too old, or too fat, or too weird-looking. Poor Fo Ho, I kinda feel sorry for her again.

Oh well, last in line is Anime-Eyes, and Sex-God gives her unexpected kudos for being such a surprising joy to shoot this week and for working a large variety of the extras. Tyra says she was expecting another cute wide-eyed picture… “but there is sexuality, there is like sexual mermaid that washed up on the shores of Brazil…”

…and I totally could go along with the “sexual mermaid” thing…

…until you look at the entire photo and realize that there is “sexual blowjob” about to happen to the muscle-man…

On the downside, she only booked 1 out of 4 go-sees, but she did get an unsolicited offer to appear at Brazillian ComiCon, so it all evens out.

Time for deliberations!

Teyomboy: “Absolutely fantastic and amazing” and “Finally she walked into judging and I was just blown away!”
MeeMaw: “Looks like the first picture she’s doing in her life” and “Girls like Celia always try to be sexy when they really can’t be!”
AmINuts: “Just not natural” and “You know what she needs? You know those ballet teachers that are like ‘Neck up! Booty in! Butt out! Tension in the arms! Tension in the lips! No, no tension in the lips… that’s what she needs!” [and yes, I'm sure ballet teachers really do use those ultra-French terms like "booty" and "butt" when they teach]
Fo Ho: “It’s a Fo-Pas [rimshot], she looks like Munch’N'Scrunch!” and “This picture is such a disaster!”
Anime: “Did a good job” and “I need that freshness in my pictures!”

After the girls return, it’s totally no surprise to me that Teyomboy had the best picture of the night, followed by Anime-Eyes and AmINuts… leaving MeeMaw and Fo Ho as the Bottom Two. So, which is it going to be? Height? Or age? OMG, it’s MeeMaw staying on…

…and Fo Ho Go Home!…

Awwww, she immediately starts to cry as Tyra hugs her and makes her promise not to grow her hair out or get extensions. She also hugs the rest of the girls and with a final curtsey she’s out! In her exit interview she continues to weep saying she’s gained a lot of respect for herself and that she wants to continue modelling even though she’s short. She also mentions going back to school to get her high-school diploma (which might be a useful step and now that “half-ass” comment she made earlier makes a little more sense to me). Good luck, Fo…

And there we are! What did you think of this episode? Should they have sent MeeMaw home instead? Is Anime a chubby-chaser? And how long do you think it will be before Teyomboy and AmINuts turn on each other and have a knock-down, drag-out bitchfight? Thank you all for taking the time to join me again, and as always I appreciate all your commentary. I’m going to be kind of sad when this is all over in a couple of weeks, but I can’t wait to see how big Tyra’s hair is going to get as she packs the Brazilian pounds on! Just like Oprah.

love, J-Mo