America’s Next Top Model: Tyra Almost Dies

Hi-hi once again to all you Ty-Ty fans! Let me start out by making a heartfelt apology to everybody for all the exposed chubby manflesh (i.e. hairy tits) in last week’s recap… after ten weeks of watching women who need USA For Africa far more desperately than Africa does, I got a little carried away when I saw one of my people on TV for a change, and it clearly was a bit too much for some. However, never fear, because tonight’s show…

…is once again brought to you by the letters “i” and “j” and by the number 11…

I thought I had truly seen the ultimate depths of stupidity on America’s Next Top Model but then Tyra and Co. went and showed me that I just wasn’t dumbing down my thinking enough to conceive of some of the stuff that went into tonight’s episode. Oh, and Ty-Ty thinks she has a near-death experience. Prepare to lose a few I.Q. points after the jump…The girls are returning to their WomanCave after dark (and after Fo Ho has already cleared her stuff out) and Teyomboy’s gazing lovingly at herself on the Flatscreen D’Art…

…”Lookit me! I’m on TV!”…

After admiring how “extra juicy” her breasts look in the photo (yay for juicyboobs!) Teyomboy believes she’s just getting better and better and better. This clearly means she’s going to suck major burro-balls at whatever their pointless teach winds up being this week. Oblivious to the irony of it all, she claims to no longer be a “silent threat”. I’m glad she clarified that, because I had totally mistaken her for shy and demure all this time…

…just like a quiet storm…

Meanwhile, Anime’s kissing MeeMaw’s ass and telling her she thought her brittle neck-twisting photo from last week was “rather cool” and MeeMaw gasps “I liked it! It’s like, my favorite one!” MeeMaw must not have taken her Namenda dose today, because she’s forgetting that a few hours earlier she as much as admitted to how awful she was at the last shoot. Looking at Teyomboy’s picture, she’s suddenly claiming that “this scene is easier to work with.” Again, that’s not what she said last episode, but if we’ve learned anything from this show, it’s that expecting consistency from ANTM is pure folly.

MeeMaw’s recounting her embarrassing second-time around in the Bottom Two spot, but is hopeful that the Judges saw how much better she really is than the lackluster performance she gave in the shoot. Then she talks about how being so old is such a challenge again and I tune her out like I often did with my own MeeMaw when she’d start yammering at the dinner table about how my cousin used to be a madame at a whorehouse and that she could see ghosts and that we were all trying to poison her (as she’d light up another cigarette)…

…”I see your dead grandpa, and he says you should stop masturbating so much!”…

While MeeMaw’s trying on some of Teyomboy’s new clothes, AmINuts is grumbling that they have to deal with her wrinkly ass for another week, “She’s just a bit much… and she can be annoying.” Hello, Princess Pot? Meet Queen Kettle. You’re both irritating. On the other hand, Anime-Eyes is super happy that MeeMaw’s still there because “She’s my friend in the house.” Awww, that’s so sweet! Too bad they left out the part where she finished off with “…and standing next to her, I look like an embryo!”

Correio Da Tyra Número Um! Teyomboy attempts to read it, “Tchiqui, tchiqui, toom… tchiqui, tchiqui, toom… tchiqui, tchiqui, toom…” Nobody has the faintest idea what “Chicky, chicky, tomb” means. They’re going to visit a McNugget factory? I have to agree with Teyomboy here as she says “I dunno, they got me beat on this one!”

They wind up on a bus headed over to a building with a sign that says “Águia De Ouro” (which means “Gold Eagle”) and inside are a bunch of professional Samba dancers whirling and twirling about. Anime’s heart sinks, “Uh ohhh. I’m a really bad dancer.” I take it she doesn’t mean that in the “Michael-Jackson-shah-mown-you-know-it” sense of the word. “I don’t really have a lot of rhythm. I’m pretty horrified.” As I’m sure we will soon be as well.

…”Why couldn’t it be a soulless staring contest, instead?”…

Ahhh, and here comes Porizkunty, “You didn’t think you were gonna come all the way to Brazil and not learn the Samba, did you?” Nervous giggles all around as she continues that a good Samba dancer needs “poise and coordination” (Anime is fuuuuuuucked) and introduces their Samba teacher, Juliana Leite, who is smiling but appears to be steeling herself internally to witness the brutal beating and eventual murder of her life’s passion.

So what do Samba dancing and modelling have in common? Absolutely nothing at all, but that’s not what Porizkunty would have us believe, “You have to learn how to move your body… and then make it look easy!” Mmkay, sounds simple enough, right?…

…wrong…

Poor Juliana’s trying to teach them a simple step-ball-change combo with a single turn in it, and the girls are dancing as gracefully as tanks. Teyomboy explains, “The first two steps, like the ‘tchiqui, tchiqui, toom’, now that’s easy, I could catch on to that stuff real good… but then, like, we add this turn to it… that turn had me goin’, ‘cuz I was gettin’ dizzy!” Nobody has the heart to tell her it’s not the dance that’s making her feel like that.

Now Porizkunty’s instructing them to “infuse the dance” with an awareness of what their faces are doing, “Fake it with confidence! Like, if I was the camera! Think of me as, uh, Nigel… if you can.”…

…yes, if Sex-God looked like a crazy, bitchy, ex-supermodel they’d almost be twins!…

I don’t know why, but Porizkunty’s looking really hard-edged and kinda crabby here. Anyhow, she calls up MeeMaw to try out her dancing shoes, and the ole gal does a pretty good job, although her sexified stares at Porizkunty (who’s pretending to be Sex-God by speaking in an atrocious British accent) are rather unsettling. P’kunt says MeeMaw moves “like royalty…. because she’s a little stiff” but also says the passion and fire of South American dance eludes her, and she was “overworking” it.

My mouth just drops open into a huge blowjobface at her next little jab! “You want it too much! You are at an age that is, like, way old for modelling… and desperation is not sexy!”…

…says the 44-year-old still trying to pull off a breezy strapless dress…

I didn’t want to, but I actually felt a little bad for MeeMaw, Porizkunty’s trademark is her complete and utter tactlessness, and you can tell that remark hit her where she lives…

…”That was way harsh, Tai…”…

Me, I would have shoved a couple cans of Ensure up Porizkunty’s ass and called it good, but MeeMaw still wants it too much, so she keeps her mouth shut. Now P’kunty’s beckoning to AmINuts, “Come shaow me wot yew cahn dew!” Ugh, please stop with the crappy accent already? At any rate, Nutsy’s doing very well (she promised to sexify it up) and Porizkunty says she’s a natural dancer and took to it like a duck to water.

When she’s finished, P’kunty’s super-impressed! “This is more expression than I’ve seen on your face ever!” Too bad her own expression is so haggard. Is she hung over, maybe? I just can’t get beyond how awful she looks. Maybe the camera crew forgot the Tub’O'Vaseline for the lenses today? It’s a mystery.

On the other hand, it’s no mystery that Anime’s doing an awful job, and Porizkunty says she was “truly scared” of for the girl as she graces us with her hysterical impression of Anime…

…Which one is more cartoonish?…

I’ll go with C.) Tyra Banks. Besides not really getting the steps down, P’kunty thought Anime looked terrified and weak. Somebody should bring Janice Dickinson back on this show and watch Porizkunty become the definition of “terrified and weak”!

Last up is Teyomboy, and you can tell that terrible turn is still fucking with her because she’s got her eyes glued to her feet and her dancing partner in a vise-like grip. P’kunty says “I was actually sort of surprised about Teyona… she wasn’t as… graceful as I expected.” Hmmmm, interesting… is that her veiled way of saying she expected Teyomboy to be a “natural dancer” as well?…

…perhaps she’d suggest that Teyomboy forget modelling and study trumpet under Dizzy Gillespie instead…

Oh well, now that they’ve learned how to “fake it with confidence” she advises them to be sure and run over their steps in the evening ahead, as I’m sure a dance-off is in the very near future.

Back at Casa De Hunger, MeeMaw and Anime are lounging in the living room (while MeeMaw gorges on peanut butter directly out of the jar) and she’s recounting how rude Porizkunty’s comment on her age was. Still, she’s determined to try and overcome her extra years, “My biggest challenge is to basically just like, relax my face and emote that you’re like 17 as opposed to 25…”…

…and keep in mind that choosy MeeMaws choose Jif…

Correio Da Tyra Número Dois! Anime reads, “Whatever you do, don’t look down.” Nobody really pays much attention to it (truth be told, they’ve run out of guesses for these lame-ass clues) and MeeMaw and Anime go back to practicing their dance moves. In order to feel more inspired and dance-y, they have both donned their sparkly spangly sequinned dresses that MeeMaw won from The Blondes during the Vogueing Challenge and Anime’s working hard at trying to perfect her turn…

…it’s better, but she’ll never be Wonder Woman…

It’d be awesome if they made the girls dance while drunk and blindfolded, but Tyra just doesn’t have the same kind of twisty imagination as I do. Instead, the next day the girls get on their bus and wind up on the roof of some tall building somewhere in Sao Paulo, where they come upon Porizkunty again, and this time she’s suddenly a Samba expert, because she’s getting tossed about like a boomerang. I’m not altogether convinced that the choppy editing hasn’t inserted a dancer-double for her, because all the really amazing acrobatic shots are from kinda far away and the hair is obscuring her face…

…Is this the Porizkunty? Or isn’t it?…

P’kunty introduces the girls to their partner for the day, Eduardo Ramos, and tells them that yesterday she didn’t know samba either (which means that the flashy little display we just saw was totally a shenanigan shot) but modelling is all about creating an illusion… “the illusion of having a good time.” Or the illusion of not having completely run out of ideas for challenges on this show.

Anyhow, this challenge is going to be for them to dance with Eduardo and “fake it with flair”, meaning they have to convince Porizkunty that they know what they’re doing (even though she already knows they totally don’t). Then she puts the real pressure on, “Every time you look down while you dance? I’m subtracting a million points!” Oh no! Not a million points! What ever will they do? Isn’t the points-to-dollar conversion ratio really bad right now? Especially since the swine flu? This is so incredibly…. stupid.

However, what’s not stupid is that the prize for this challenge is for the winner to pick a friend and the two of them will be receiving jewelry from Ara Vartanian!…

…made out of delicious Jolly Ranchers…

…even sweeter, this prize jewelry is worth over $7,000.00! That kinda beats both extra frames and bejewelled flip-flops! Everyone gasps and scurries off to get changed into their Samba costumes, drooling over the possibility of being able to win some dandy ice-candy (I personally have refused to call anything “bling” since I heard some of the Real Housewives of Orange County using the term).

Allison’s up first, and she’s in a lovely blue fringe dress looking like a scary white Ikette. She’s totally petrified and unintentionally stomping all over poor Eduardo’s feeties. She’s also in the hole by several million points for looking down, and Porizkunty says she looked like a rickety little wind-up doll made out of dirty blonde weave tin whose “mechanism needed oiling”. I’m afraid when this is over she’s going to be back to getting her jewelry out of the candy machines at the grocery store.

MeeMaw goes next, and she’s in a kicky multi-colored concoction of ruffles and doing quite well, she’s looking like she’s having fun (even though it looks chilly and windy and rainy up on that rooftop). She said that she took Porizkunty’s amazing advice to relax, even going so far as to write it on her wrist so she wouldn’t forget it…

…when you wanna suck up to her…

Porizkunty’s feeling very free with her backhanded compliments, “Celia has a great presence! She’s not maybe traditionally beautiful… but she pushed herself all the way, she relaxed her face… she really went for it!” Yeah, and let’s not forget, she even wrote something you said to her on her skin! In ink!

AmINuts takes her turn, and she looks the best so far, she’s smiling sexily, she’s twirling gracefully, and P’kunty says she’s looking quite “rogueish”. I think she’s even more talented for appearing to be actually interested in Eduardo (because we know she loves men as much as Kelly McGillis does). Apparently MeeMaw hasn’t picked up on that little tidbit yet, because she claims that watching Nutsy dance “You can tell that there’s chemistry between her and her partner!”…

…or she’s a much better actress than the rest of them…

MeeMaw’s feeling like this challenge belongs to AmINuts, and I do, too. Especially since Teyomboy gets out there and dances like a biker-dyke in a dress (i.e. ultra-awkward) and she’s so out of control that at one point when Eduardo spins her around, she gets away from him and almost topples off the roof. Not cute.

Now that they’re all finished, it’s time to announce the winner! And it’s…. MEEMAW??!?!…

…looks like Nutsy’s acting abilities have fled…

I don’t blame her, that shit was fixed! AmINuts isn’t happy at all, “I wanted this soooo bad! I had Celia beat. I had everybody beat!” I think someone’s about to get beat, especially since MeeMaw proudly picks Anime-Eyes to be her lucky friend to share in her joolery windfall! Interestingly, when she hears MeeMaw announce this, Porizkunty shoots a meaningful glance in AmINuts’ direction and says “Really? Ehhhhhhhh… okay.”

This is just salt on the wound of losing, and P’kunty’s look was not lost on Nutsy at all, “I was the second runner-up, and Paulina, she’s thinking ‘Ok, if you win, you wanna share the prize with somebody who was just as good‘… buuuuut, I don’t think she knows the dichotomy of the friendships in the house…” And color me super-impressed that she actually used that word correctly in regards to their social situation! Knowledge is power, Nutsy!

So everybody leaves, and MeeMaw and Anime-Eyes get bussed over to the Ara Vartanian Super Sparkly Splendid Jools’N'Baubles Company, where they meet with Ara Vartanian himself to pick out their prize from some “special pieces” he has selected for them to choose from…

…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!…

OMG, seriously? After all the sparkly shiny crystalline pieces they showed us? That is some cheap-looking jewelry right there. MeeMaw is given her choice of the tacky-ass earrings, and she chooses the black ones, which Ara claims are “onyx with ruby” but I think they look more like “agate with pop-beads”. Anime’s allowed to choose one of the gumball pendants, and she goes with the turquoise. Onyx and turquoise worth $7K? I think the Vartanians are seriously overvaluing their merchandise. I also think AmINuts would not feel so bad if she were there to witness this odious little bait-and-switch.

Anime, on the other hand, is so thrilled that MeeMaw chose her to share her crappy prize with! “Like, I haven’t won a challenge, and it’s kind of like I’m secretly sharing in that.” Or, you know, not-so-secretly, since MeeMaw picked her in front of everybody. Ugh, just put on your Everlasting Gobstopper necklace and begone, Anime!…

…I bet it changes color when you suck on it…

Hey, since when did she have time to wash her weave and use some V05 Hot Oil Treatmentâ„¢ on it? It looks more clean and shiny and manageable than, well… ever! I was waiting for the day it became blonde dreadlocks before our very eyes. Oh well, this is nice, too.

Correio Da Tyra Número Três! MeeMaw fittingly reads, “At some point the mama bird needs to push her babies out of the nest!” This is so true, because otherwise the babies end up smoking a lot of weed and living in mama’s basement and trying out for shows like A Double Shot At Love and Tool Academy (or accidentally wind up on To Catch A Predator). At any rate, MeeMaw decides to recline by the windows and think about stuff…

…inadvertently causing a wave of jumper suicides…

That’s dangerous! If I lived near there I’d be convinced the Pasty Angel Of Starvation Deathâ„¢ was lounging about in the Penthouse across the way. Speaking of wishing for death, AmINuts is still crying about how not winning the Ay Caramba Samba challenge “hurt her feelings” as she whines, “I’m always second runner-up, I’m never the winner and it’s really disappointing and disheartening.” What’s even more disheartening to me is that she understands the definition of a complex word like “dichotomy”, but doesn’t seem to get that “second runner-up” is actually third place.

Early the next morning, Nutsy and Teyomboy are in the bathroom groggily starting their day when Christian Marc and SlutAnn suddenly waltz into their apartment and leap into bed with MeeMaw and Anime to wake them up. Anime’s rather shocked, “I’m super-surprised because I don’t expect to be jumped on by those two in the morning!”…

…somehow I think if he’d tried this with AmINuts or Teyomboy he’d have wound up with a broken jaw…

Of course, this is just the classic form of gay-guy-on-straight-girl rape: they’re going to have their hair and makeup done. I’m a tad frightened because there is a lot of backteasing of hair and bright face-painting going on… maybe they’re going to be extras in a retro-80′s Miami Sound Machine video? Without warning (and before they’re even finished) SlutAnn tells them they’re all leaving and herds them onto the bus!

After they drive about two hours outside of the city, they’re heading down a dirt road when suddenly SlutAnn lisps “Wait a minute, there’s someone ahead of us!” and they come to a halt where a smoking jeep is mostly blocking the road. Drama!…

…oh please! It’s probably just Gay-Jay and Miss J. pulled over to have their afternoon tokey-blazies!…

MeeMaw shows her caring side by rolling her eyes at this new development and sounding annoyed, “Oh God, I just wanna get there already!” LOL, she’s not fooled by this bit of stage-dressing, either! Christian and SlutAnn still play along and say they’re going to go help, and they leave the bus. *snort* Whoever it is, the only help they’ll need is a couple of bags of chips and some salsa.

However, when they get outside, they see a rather chunky figure emerge from the smoke, screaming and kicking the side of the jeep, and SlutAnn squeals “Oh, it’s a lady!”…

…if you say so, SlutAnn…

Yes, it’s Tyra, and she’s going straight for her Oscar Momentâ„¢ by shrieking, “Oh! Oh! I need help! My jeep broke down and I’m laaaate! [kicks jeep again] We need to get outta here, you know why? ‘Cuz I’m photographing you!” Anemic cheers! Ugh, that was so lame-o-rama.

Back on the bus, Ty-Ty’s asking the girls if they’re ready to give her “fierceness” today, and then prattles on about a go-see she already did earlier in which she photographed some Brazilian girls and this one amazing guy that they all called “The Wolf” because of his intense look…

…so is this “Blue Steel” or is it “Magnum”?…

It’s a really boring story, and the only reason why I’m mentioning it is because all of the girls are staring open-mouthed at Tyra, completely enraptured, each jockeying for position to insert their head up her platinum-plated anus…

…glbfghthpwekmdkoszqwslkejis…

They all laugh hysterically over her dumb story, and Teyomboy insists that she’s not nervous about having Tyra shoot their photos today, she’s had 3 number-one pictures, so she doesn’t believe she’s going to suddenly do badly. I guess she’s forgotten how much they love to tear people down for “resting on their pretty” on this show.

Eventually they make it to the photo shoot set and meet up with Gay-Jay. He says they are deep in the Brazilian jungle, which is home to more than 2½ million species of insects, and I would have been driving that bus right back to Sao Paulo immediately after hearing that. Ty-Ty jumps in, “But we’re not about insects… we’re about…. birds!” and she demonstrates her bird pose against Gay-Jay…

…well, well, it looks like Tyra’s been all about “desserts” lately…

Yes, the girls are going to be made up as birds and covered in feathers! Ooooh, that sounds…. itchy. Tyra leads them off to the hair and makeup tent where she takes the opportunity to do some shameless name-dropping and tacky self-promotion by making sure to loudly instruct Christian to bring extra feathers with him to the set, “Because when I shot with Stephen Meisel for Italian Vogue [he's also the guy who shot Madonna's "Sex" book] he just keeps on changing it on the set!” That was really helpful, you know, just in case anyone out there wasn’t aware that Tyra Banks is a former supermodel and has worked with a lot of famous people in the fashion industry. What a cooze.

At any rate, once they get finished with Anime, she comes out to be inspected in her full, final look and Tyra fake-gushes “You look stunning!”…

…more like she flew into a window and is stunned…

After they reach the actual site of her shoot, Ty-Ty turns to Anime and says, “So you are a birdie-owl-slash-pterodactyl and like, you’re gonna be in the nest to protect your children… your children are little eggs that haven’t hatched, but they’re in your pit, ‘cuz they’re not in the nest….” and she trails off, because Anime’s just standing there staring at her as crickets chirp and she finally says, “Whatever.” and gestures for Anime to start crouching in the giant life-sized nest that’s been constructed out of sticks.

Once Anime gets situated in the nest, Tyra continues, “You’re going to be doing a lot of squatting, and your legs might start to cramp. Because I was a model, I’m sensitive to other models when they’re in pain, so when you can’t take it any more, just stand up and I’ll understand, OK?” Anime just gulps and nods, and I think it finally dawned on me that the girl is just plain star-struck and that’s why she’s acting so weird. Okay, weirder than normal…

…ikjesdjkhdcjhgfgkjmdesfjhndsqzectbpmonibuv…

As the shoot progresses, Ty-Ty asks Anime to slow down her posing a little, but she and Gay-Jay seem pretty pleased by what they’re getting out of her, and Anime comments “Surprisingly I feel really comfortable with Tyra! She’s just really helpful and she’s really assertive, so, it seems like she knows what she wants and that makes me feel… really good.”

Final shot and she’s done! Gay-Jay compliments her on this being the least nervous that she’s ever been at a photo shoot… and then Anime completely rockets herself right on into Uncoolvilleâ„¢ by blurting out the following…

…come on, Anime, her ass isn’t anywhere near the side of her head!…

Ty-Ty isn’t fooled, either, “I’m really pretty? Are you trying to kiss up to me?” and Anime insists “No, I just thought I would say it!” and she nervously giggles. Anime admits in confessional that it was a nerdy thing to do and that she’s a “square”. I think that it wouldn’t have happened if Tyra spent more time with the girls (like she used to do on this show) instead of staying sequestered in the lofty Judges Tower all the time.

AmINuts is up next, and she has to climb across a small stream to get to her nest, and although she feels a little nervous, she’s relaxed by the proximity of a beautiful waterfall. She looks just as ridiculous as Anime did, too…

…think LaToya Jackson video (the 80′s music kind, not the 90′s porn kind!)…

Tyra seems to be loving it so far, calling out “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Aminat!” as she shoots, but later she says while Nutsy got in good body movement, “how the light hits her face is not the most appealing for a photo!” Gee, then shouldn’t the photographer, or maybe the fucking artistic director (*cough*Gay-Jay*cough*) be responsible for changing the lighting so that it looks better?

Now Ty-Ty’s trying to tell AmINuts to use the muscles in her face by biting down on her back teeth to get “tension in the face”. I’m rolling my eyes to China here. Gay-Jay suggests that she use the same muscles that would wiggle her ears, and Tyra just loves this advice, shouting happily “It’s like a mini-facelift!” Okay, now my eyes have rolled to Mars and they’re not coming back. They’re both so entranced by this awesome “wiggly ears” idea that they can’t stop congratulating each other on it in their interview as Tyra demonstrates how well it works…

…I’m not getting so much “wiggly ears” as I’m getting “squinty eyes”…

Such crap, because that’s the same damned look Tyra gives every time she shows the girls one of her supercool “looks”. It’s her “Magnum” if you will. At any rate, AmINuts gets through it and she feels good about the shoot. After she hugs Tyra and prepares to leave, Gay-Jay tosses out a bitchy “Have fun combin’ out your hair!”, which earns him a Death-Glareâ„¢ from Nutsy. LOL, Gay-Jay!

MeeMaw’s getting ready to go, and her Namenda must have kicked in, because now she remembers that at the beach photo shoot she was “completely intimidated” and that she forgot how to relax and have fun. She’s determined not to repeat this mistake in today’s shoot. If she can remember it, that is…

…that’s not going to be easy when she’s dressed like a frustration pencil…

I bet Big Bird is pissed Tyra’s ripped off his look for her stupid show. Anyhow, MeeMaw’s nest is kind of perched up on a hill through a hallway of bamboo stalks, and Tyra cautions her not to put one of her eyes out on any of the numerous pokey branches that surround it. MeeMaw’s doing pretty well, Ty-Ty’s directing her to be more “amazon” than “sexy”, which is probably one of the best ideas she’s had all damned day!

Privately, Tyra says “I wasn’t super-excited to shoot Celia, to begin with… but when I shot her, I found that she did have a freshness!” Of course, because only Tyra is talented enough to find The Lost Freshness Of MeeMawâ„¢. Please, like anyone looking for “freshness” all she needed was a lemon-scented Summer’s Eve!…

…sadly, someone should have told her Summer’s Eve isn’t for drinking…

Gay-Jay notes that MeeMaw loves the interesting and creative nature of today’s shoot, and believes that’s why she’s not acting all nervous and weird… and then a moth lands on Tyra’s head and all hell breaks loose…

…I’m curious as to why she dove for the safety of Gay-Jay’s crotch?…

I love how Gay-Jay barely reacts, it’s as though he’s used to these kind of overdramatic outbursts from her and nothing fazes him anymore. He’s all “It’s just a moth.” but Ty-Ty insists, “It landed on my head and it was a bat!” Poor Tyra. This is why she prefers the climate-controlled environment of the Judges Panel. Nobody there is chucking bats at her head.

Back to MeeMaw’s shoot, they’re all done and she’s thanking Ty-Ty for putting her at ease. Right. Ty-Ty is pleased to hear it, though, and says that there are two of her, there’s the “Hey y’all!” Tyra (which she insists is the real her) and then there’s the “I have two photos in my hands, and only one of you will continue on to become America’s Next Top Model” Tyra. MeeMaw blurts “You have no idea what that does to us!” I think Tyra’s being far too modest, I would venture to say there are at least 50 or 60 different Tyras, and they’re all loopy.

Last one up today is Teyomboy, and they’re helping her walk across some kind of waterfall ledge to get her up to the nest she’ll be posing in. Gay-Jay says that sometimes when she walks on set she looks great, but doesn’t have a lot of inspiring energy about her. Instead of screwing with the nest, Tyra decides to have her hump a nearby tree…

…even in the jungle, somebody’s gotta pole dance!…

They start losing the daylight, and noting that all the clothes are looking bulky, Tyra asks Teyomboy if she’d feel comfortable taking some of them off, which sounds a tad porno-ish. Teyomboy doesn’t mind, though, she shucks some of the furry outerwear and dives right back in. Things are going great, right up until the point where Tyra nearly slips and takes a header into the waterfall! A nearby PA saves her, but not before she shrieks, “I woulda died getting yo’ shot, girl! I almost died!” Bitch, please. Where is a South American indigenous tribe with their little poison blow-darts when you need them? Off harassing the bunch over at Survivor, probably.

Her brush with death still fresh on her mind, Tyra says she was actually nervous about Teyomboy’s shoot. Between losing the light, too many clothes, an awkwardly positioned fake nest, and the seventeen pounds of makeup and hair, she thought it was going to be a “Nolé disaster“!…

…much like Tyra’s 1986 Janet Jackson wannabee outfit…

But it wasn’t a disaster at all! Tyra explains, “As a model in uncomfortable situations you have to have an outer body experience! She knew how to disconnect from her body… but stay present.” Um, I think she must have meant “out-of-body” experience. At any rate, that’s an interesting comment, and intriguing to me that this advice would also work well in the world of pornography, too, don’t you think?

Gay-Jay praises Teyomboy for working so well in such a difficult set, and that’s a wrap! Tyra hugs Teyomboy, and then goes to high-five Gay-Jay and nearly falls into the drink again! He saves her and I swear the look on her face is almost more frightening than any jungle creature you might meet. I wonder what she’s seeing that we’re not?…

…ba-da-ba-ba-baaaa, she’s lovin’ it!…

They’re having a special on apple pies right now, 2 for 99 cents. I’ll be right back…

Fuck McDonald’s! They had whole pies on sale at the store for $2! Just because they’re a little stale and taste like penicillin doesn’t mean they’re no good. Anyhow, tonight we get a rare Correio Da Tyra Número Quatro! “Somebody is going to be feeling real bitter and sociopathic later on tonight! Love, The REAL Tyra!” Literally, all four girls give the same damned interview in which they all say they felt they did great, but you never know how it’s going to go at Judges Panel. It’s hard to gauge how any of them are really feeling about it…

…except Anime here, who seems a tad more visibly nervous than the others…

Welcoming them back once again, and Tyra appears to have added a second matching staircase to the other side of her hair this week…

…too bad she couldn’t have added a little “Simple Sanity” eyeshadow as well…

Tonight’s guest judge is The Schnozz, Ann Shoket! Hi Schnozzie! We missed you and your hips with their street attitude! You’re going to be stuck with one of these snoozers on the cover of your magazine soon! I hope your unemployment insurance is paid up!

Tyra’s ready to begin judging, “So, you guys shot in the jungle with some retired model that likes to think of herself as a photographer every now and then!” Dutiful laughter. I bet Tyra also likes to think of herself as Jesus every once in a while, too. They have the same hair, you know…

…though Jesus needs to ease up on the bronzer a little…

Anime is up first, and I cannot believe what I’m seeing…

…what in gay hell?!?!?…

Um, what was the point of all the brightly colored feathers and vivid makeup if they were just going to develop the photos into a dull drab sepia tone?! Stupidest. Photo. Shoot. Ever.

Of course, the judges are falling all over themselves saying how amazing and gorgeous and magical and life-changing it is. Sex-God thinks she wasn’t overwhelmed by all the hair and makeup. The photo is so dark I can barely see the hair and makeup. The Schnozz thinks Anime looks “sweet and vulnerable” like a tiny little bird…

…that just pecked a bunch of nuns to death…

Tyra says she nailed this shot within six frames! “I felt that there was this beautiful baby owl in this nest, and I felt like your mama when I was shooting you!” A normal person would find that statement creepy, but I’m guessing Anime is extremely pleased.

Throughout all of this there has been a very odd and annoying cooing sound being made, and I couldn’t figure out where in the blue fuck it was coming from… but all of a sudden they turn the camera on Miss J.Moe (and his ridiculously stupid bow-tie) and he’s pretending to “speak” in bird chirps and coos. The producers helpfully give us subtitles…

…I have one, too: how do you say “jumped the shark” in bird-ese?…

Seriously? Ty-Ty wonders why ratings on this show have declined? It’s because of fucktard bullshit like this. Oh well, the knee-slapper antics of Miss J.Moe made Tyra laugh. Sorta. Even Anime was looking at him like he was a wack-job.

Moving on to Teyomboy, Porizkunty calls it glorious and wonderful and marvellous and exciting…

…not to mention “nude” and “scratchy-looking”…

Sex-God complains that her head and upper body look too “boxy” and he wishes she had twisted or turned more. Porizkunty disgarees, though, she thinks that while Teyomboy doesn’t have the best body, she faked it perfectly for the photo. Boy, Porizkunty sure loves fakery!

The Schnozz is agreeing with Sex-God (mostly because she probably hasn’t been laid in about a year and this might be her only shot in Brazil) and claims there’s “no energy” in Teyomboy’s picture. Reverting to English (thankfully) Miss J.Moe says the whole thing works for him. Tyra brings up again about all the difficulties that they suffered to get that shot…

…don’t her eyes look like they’re saying “Hurry up and take the damn picture, I’ve got a stick jammed up my ass!”?…

But now Tyra’s saying that in hindsight she wishes she had been harder on Teyomboy to push harder, because now she’s in agreement with Schnozzie and Sex-God, it’s a good shot, but not her best shot. And this is Teyomboy’s fault how?

It’s time for MeeMaw, and Porizkunty gives out a few grudging compliments on her Super Sensacional Samba talents before they turn to her photo…

…Grouchy Gramma Bird Guards The Nest…

More insane praise, Sex-God thinks she took a daring risk by putting her armpits directly towards the camera, he says that “works” for him. The Schnozz agrees with Sex-God (natch!) and likes the “major strength” that MeeMaw is displaying in her pose. Of course, Miss J.Moe has to be the bitchy one and point out that while her face looks great, “It just doesn’t look like a spring chicken!” I hope next week’s bow-tie covers his entire face.

Tyra claims she chose this as MeeMaw’s best shot because it reminded her of a fellow judge’s bone-structure in the cheeks…

…which is weird, because the only similarity I see here in their cheek bones is the fact that they each have two of them…

I’m not sure if Tyra’s trying to zing Porizkunty or what, but if she really wanted to piss her off she should have pulled out all the stops and said the two of them look like sisters. Anyhow, Ty-Ty once again crows about MeeMaw’s newfound “fresh” factor, and says it was a pleasure to work with her. I bet MeeMaw brought cookies to the shoot and “accidentally” left them in Tyra’s line of sight.

Last up today is our poor bridesmaid AmINuts, and her shot turned out very interesting as well…

…I had to play “Where’s Waldonuts?” to even find her in it!…

Still more lavishly glowing reviews, Sex-God calls it exquisite and beautiful and transcendent and antidisestablishmentarianistic, Schnozzie says Nutsy used all of her strengths from the body to the face…

…she looks like she’s reading the last line on the eye-exam chart at the DMV…

Of course, Porizkunty has to disagree, saying she doesn’t think AmINuts’ body looks all that hot in this picture. Miss J.Moe starts up with that cooing bullshit again and I refuse to transcribe it, so fuck him, his critiques are pointless anyways. Once the room has recovered from his comedy gold, Tyra says Nutsy surprised her… every week she’s seen her have zero strength in the face, “But when I shot you, you came alive!” See? Tyra thinks she’s Jesus again!

Time for deliberation, and Miss J.Moe says that because it’s crunch-time they’re going to “start nit-picking”! I thought they started that 11 weeks ago, but anyhow…

Anime-Eyes: “Looks fantastic as a baby bird!” and “She’s figured out how to use her softness to stand out from the crowd!” and “She has that eternal youth feeling!”
Teyomboy: “She’s getting a little complacent.” and “There wasn’t the magic and the fire that I wanted from her.”
MeeMaw: “I love her style!” and “This girl knows her angles!” but “The mouth is dead-awkward!” and “I could see her becoming America’s Next Top Mother!” (guess which bitch threw that one out there!)
AmINuts: “She doesn’t just have a body, she is The Body!” but “The light doesn’t hit the features in her face in a way that is photogenic.”

And the best picture of the week belongs to… ANIME-EYES!!! But of course, because psychotic murderous owls beat out most other birds every time. In second place this week is Teyomboy, who makes her huge PoliDent grin again and breathes a sigh of relief, right before she starts crying. Affecting concern, Tyra wants to know why, and Teyomboy can barely choke out an answer that she felt like the other girls were stronger than her this week and she was afraid she was going to be in the Bottom Two.

Of course, in this week’s Bottom Two are AmINuts (for the third time!) and MeeMaw (also for the third time!). Tyra says they both have “strength from the neck down”. She spouts some more of that “mathematics of the face” crap in Nutsy’s direction and tells MeeMaw the judges wonder if her face is “too mature for the modelling industry” stopping juuuuuust short of calling her The CryptKeeper.

So the girl going home this week… is MeeMaw! AmINuts is relieved and dutifully listens as Tyra blabs a bunch of gibberish about how she needs to “get in that mirror and figure out the angles of your face that hit the light in a way that makes magic!”…

…and while you’re at it, Nutsy, why don’t you also figure out how to create wormholes in the space-time continuum using only the power of thought, K?…

Meanwhile, Ty-Ty’s basically doing everything in her power to steer MeeMaw out of modelling and into some other facet of the fashion industry, telling her she could be a designer or fashion editor or stylist (Porizkunty wants to hire her! Wouldn’t it be fun to work for P’kunty?) but to her credit, MeeMaw handles it all like a pro and doesn’t give in to what is surely an overwhelming urge to slap Tyra silly.

Of course, Anime is absolutely heartbroken…

…awwwwww!…

MeeMaw says she hopes to keep on modelling, but any job in the fashion industry would be okay with her, too. I just hope that doesn’t wind up being Counter-Girl at Old Navy…

…Bye, MeeMaw. I’ll miss you, but I’m a tad relieved, too… I was running out of maintenance medication jokes…

So there we are! What did you think of this episode? Was it MeeMaw’s time to go, or should it have been AmINuts? Are the stupid antics of Miss J. annoying you as much as they are me? And who do you think will win this whole shebang? Next week is our last week together, so let’s share while we still can!

love, J-Mo