America’s Next Top Model Finale: Windy-Face Vs. Scaredy-Eyes

Oh my dear fierceling fashionistas, it is with a heavy heart that I sit down to write this final recap. Or maybe that’s just the pizza and beer I’ve just inhaled. Gimme a second, here… *urp* Okay, I feel better now. It’s just so hard to believe that only 3 short months ago we were all excited and gathered together to watch this latest crop of anemic airheads attempting to become the next Diva Deityâ„¢ to follow in the footsteps of The Goddess Of Fierce herself. It’s equally hard to believe that we all got handed a big bucket of blah. I find myself heavily sympathizing with Teyomboy’s expression in this picture…

…”Arright, which one of y’all bitches just cut one?”…

…like a fart in a jar, this cycle seems to have spun completely out-of-control, yet had almost zero impact… other than the lingering stench of stupidity I have felt weekly while watching Tyra overact, Sex-God smirk and sneer, Gay-Jay mince about, Porizkunty insult everybody and Miss J.’s silly bow-ties continue to grow like colorful labia with a bad case of elephantiasis. Do you remember a time when America’s Next Top Model actually had some credibility as a serious modelling competition? Me either. Still, won’t you take my chubby fat-fingered hand and for one last time let’s make the jump…After alllll those bizarre challenges involving everything from light-dildoes to fat guys, we’re down to these three ladies rattling around in their luxury BrazilloPad like the last couple of wizened and dried out peas in the Green Giant can. Looking at them together it occurs to me…

…meet the new Danity Kane!…

Eh, maybe not… Anime’s not orange enough. Anyhow, Ty-Ty does her best to whip us into a frenzy of anticipation over who tonight’s winner might be… “Will it be Aminat… the outspoken and stunning girl from Union, NJ… with the remarkable body that was born to walk the runway?”…

…and who has all the myriad facial expressions of a statue?…

…”Or will it be Allison… the shy girl from New Orleans… with the fascinating face, whose photos have charmed the panel from week to week?”…

…and who is also just as likely to hike up her skirt and pee out the candles on your coffee table?…

…”Or will it be Teyona… the beautiful and gifted model from Woodstown, NJ… who’s proven from the start that she can turn out a stunning photograph?”…

…like this one…

Well, whichever one it winds up being, they’d better be prepared to have their career limited to some Cover Girl commercials (to run during Cycle 13, natch!) a few catwalk trips (during Project Runway or The Fashion Show) and a few print ads at Wal-Mart. Fucking Wal-Mart. Damn, that’s just depressing. Target ain’t Macy’s, but it would be a step up.

Oh well, time for Tyra Mail #1 (I’m switching back to English for the finale!)… AmINuts reads “Be on point tomorrow, or you can kiss this competition goodbye!” She’d rather be kissing McKey’s vagina hello, but keeps that to herself. Suddenly Nutsy notices a second envelope on the floor and yells “Oh my God, we have scripts!” and Teyomboy correctly guesses that they’re going to be shooting another Cover Girl commercial. Anime looks less than confident with this news…

…or maybe her steady diet of blood and souls is giving her a bad case of the runs…

But truthfully, their “scripts” are only one page, about 11 lines, 77 words total, so how hard could that be? Especially when the product they’ll be shilling is the awesomely amazing “Outlast Lipstainâ„¢” from CoverGirl? They’re making sure the girls remind us that “it’s not a lipstick” but I have to wonder why some marketing genius would call any kind of cosmetic product that’s supposed to go on your face a “stain”. Besides, if you take a moment to think about it, this “new idea” doesn’t really seem all that revolutionary…

…the early predecessors to Outlast Lipstainâ„¢…

Besides, these babies retail at about $7.50 each. For one color. You can get six Sharpies for the same price (in various colors) and look just as cartoonish at a sixth of the price! As an added horrifying bonus for being forced to sell glorified markers, the girls are also being asked to speak a little Portuguese, “Leia meus labios” which means “Read my lips”. Lucky for them the producers have included the phonetic translation (“LAY-uh MAY-oos LAH-bee-os”) so the girls can sound much more stilted and unnatural.

AmINuts is complaining that the pressure on her throat right now is “beyond words”. I’m not sure why she’s singling her throat out for our sympathies, I would think her poor brain is the body part that’s gonna take the real beating in this segment, but nevertheless, she forthrightly acknowledges she is the underdog in the competition at this stage of the game, she has zero room for error. This makes her all the more determined to know the script backwards and forwards, so she and Teyomboy wind up practicing together in the fabulously wrecked bathroom of their luxury apartment…

…and apparently they are practicing pretty loudly…

Poor Anime, she’s missing her MeeMaw and feels kinda left out (since she’s “the quiet one” left in the house) but she’s also determined to get this commercial patter down pat. She even appears to be taking notes on the script (although I’m not sure what kind of notes you would take when you only have 77 words to say… maybe something helpful, like “don’t fuck it up”?).

After the standard time-lapse shots of the moon going down and then the sun coming up (in case any of us were unfamiliar with the concept of “the next morning”) the girls are back in their giant gray bus (I miss the FugMobile!) to meet up with Gay-Jay at some park for the commercial shoot. He also tells them that they’ll be doing a photo-shoot today on top of the commercial, mostly so that they can feel extra nervous about it. He also mentions that if they are the winner of Cycle 12 the print ad they shoot today will be the one featured in Wal-Mart stores across the nation, where they will no doubt wind up with mustaches and zits and penises painted on them by the gangs of unsupervised children who infest and roam Wal-Marts everywhere…

…”The toy aisles are our ‘hood, muthafuckahs!”…

This smoothly segues into Gay-Jay introducing Cycle 11 winner McKey who comes out and does her spiel for Outlast Lipstainâ„¢ for the girls (and by default, the rest of us… thanks for even more product-placement ANTM!). She sounds completely plasticine and fake and I’d be curious to know just how many hundreds of tries she has to pull off with her weekly Cover GIrl commercials before they get a usable take…

…perhaps McKey is actually a Vulcan, and that’s why she has so much trouble expressing real emotions…

Oh well, at least AmINuts is having multiple spontaneous orgasms. I hope McKey enjoyed the final fading moments of her reign as America’s Next Top Model, because this is likely the last we’ll see of her. They’re off to hair and makeup (and lots of shots of these insanely expensive lip markers!) and AmINuts is up first. Ahh, and Blade-Face Elyssa Starkman is back to sit next to Gay-Jay and glare at the girls while they shoot the commercial!

Nutsy starts out her first take, and wow, all that bathroom practice has paid off, she sounds pretty good… only Gay-Jay yells cut and chides her for not using enough facial expression, “Don’t give me Botoxville!” She nods and they continue on. Her Portuguese actually rolls off her tongue quite well and when she finishes Gay-Jay gives her a well-earned “Good job!” However, privately he says that AmINuts tends to forget how to work her face from the eyes up…

…which is a tad hypocritical coming from the Mayor of Botoxville…

Afterwards, AmINuts goes off to shoot the photo for the Cover Girl Wal-Mart print ad with photographer Jim De Yonker, who says that while she’s very friendly, beautiful, tall and thin, she needs to mature more as a model…

…well, thanks for that critique, Jim… now please get back behind the camera and stay there… you just made my kitty puke up her dinner…

Anime’s turn! I’m very curious about how she’ll do, and apparently so is Anime herself, because she remembers how awful she did at the last Cover Girl commercial shoot they had. It looks like Blade-Face hasn’t forgotten, either…

…probably because her ass still hurts from the cornholing it took over the last disastrous attempt these girls made…

She starts off doing pretty well, but then her words become at first halting… and then she goes completely blank. After ten seconds of her staring all giant-eyed into space Gay-Jay says to cut and Anime begins apologizing. Blade-Face looks unsurprised. “Don’t lose it!” warns Gay-Jay, and they start again. Her Portuguese “read my lips” comes out sounding flat and herky-jerky, but she finishes and I’m super-impressed with how much she’s improved. So is Gay-Jay, but he wonders aloud whether or not Anime has reached the level of ability needed to become a real Cover Girl.

Now she’s off to her photo shoot with Jim The Fug, who says Anime has a great face with big eyes (thanks Fuggo, we’ve only been with her for 12 weeks and hadn’t picked up on that yet) and believes that she has a “‘Bettie Page’ type of look” which I’m not sure is entirely accurate…

…especially when he’s giving us such a Jimmy Page type of look…

It’s Teyomboy’s turn and she knows a lot is riding on this commercial take… and she promptly bones it into 497 pieces! She keeps tripping over the words, forgetting them, her diction is mushy, it’s just painful to watch. Gay-Jay eventually stops the torture and suggests that she try again using the little rap-song she told him she made up earlier in the day using the script. She tries that, but then gets caught up again. After repeating the same phrase incorrectly several times she stops and completely loses her shit…

…poor thing, sometimes it’s effin’ hard to be easy, breezy and beautiful…

She’s full-on weeping now and I’m wondering how long it takes them to fix cry-ey face damage like that. She tearfully admits that her nerves have gotten the best of her. Gay-Jay kindly reminds her she still has a few takes left and they want to make it work, so they start again. She does the best she can, but now she’s got a bad case of cry-ey voice to go with her puffy eyes and it’s just a great big giant crash-and-burn.

Once she uses her last take, Gay-Jay tells her to leave it all behind and go have an amazing picture taken, “I know you can deliver a photo!” He kindly left out the “‘Cuz you sure can’t do commercials!” that was surely floating right behind his overly-whitened teeth. Anyhow, she seems far more at ease there, and Jim The Fug notes she has great energy and that her spark on the set made her fun to work with…

…that’s right, girlfriend, do like Mariah says and shake it off!…

Back at the BrazilloPad it’s time for Tyra Mail #2! OMG, it’s an elimination invitation for Judges Panel already! AmINuts thinks she rocked her commercial and is staying for sure, while Anime’s more nervous and anxious to see how hers turned out. Teyomboy, on the other hand, knows full well that she screwed the pooch and her only hope is if she took a good photograph. She’s so distraught that she breaks down into huge braying sobs in her interview and I dunno what this weird wet feeling is on my cheeks, but it’s making my job as a recapper extremely difficult and me no likey that at all…

…c’mon, snap out of it, girl!…

The next day the Final Three totter their way into the TyraChamber, where the Goddess Herself is wearing her best Morticia Addams gown. Ty-Ty claims that this is the “most gut-wrenching part” of ANTM. Really? ‘Cuz I found that most of the really retch-worthy moments this season happened whenever Miss J. was mincing around on my TV screen! Nevertheless, Tyra darkly intones that there can only be two finalists who will have a walk-off during a Rosa Chá fashion show later in the day…

…the clothes are pretty, but I’m rather disturbed by all the giant pink (and sometimes wet) apertures…

Even better still, this week’s guest judge is Amir Slama, who is the designer behind the Rosa Chá brand (ooh, and Wikipedia says that he’s BFFs with Naomi Campbell, so I have to wonder now if this isn’t Tyra’s bid to steal him away from her arch-nemesis and get some free clothes in the process?). Well, his fashions may be light and pretty and breezy, but Amir sure ain’t…

…and why is it that 99.9999% of fashion designers either dress like they’re homeless or hopelessly out-of-date???…

I saw that same shirt on the Super-Duper-Mega-Ultra-Fug-Clearance rack at TJ Craxx last week for $2. I bet it has a banded bottom. Anyhow, they start off by showing the girls the finished commercial, which I did not realize would be a combination of all three of them. Huh? It’s pretty cute and all, but I thought this was supposed to be an individual competition?

Ah, but now Tyra calls up Teyomboy and says they’re going to look at her “best take” and it seems as though Tyra smells blood in the water, because she’s looking quite predatory all of a sudden…

…does she even realize how fucking frightening she looks sometimes?…

Poor Teyomboy must have been far worse than we originally thought, because her “best take” still has a bunch of stumble-stopping and fumble-fucking going on in it. Ty-Ty is close to rolling her eyes and Miss J.Moe is getting ready to let loose with one of his holier-than-thou bitchy comments, “Girl, you gonna make me use Top Model profanity! What the hnnn-tnnn-brnnn-fnnn?” Sex-God wants to know what happened, and Teyomboy repeats that her nerves got to her and starts to lose it again. Miss J. encourages her to go on and cry and let it all out, which she does…

…really, Teyomboy, this must stop, you are fucking up my shit right and left!…

Porizkunty shows a smidgeon of heart and gently says it was clear Teyomboy was suffering badly under the weight of her case of nerves. Tyra takes this opportunity to jump in and give some helpful advice… “When you mess up you have to cover as if you’re not messing up.” Really, Ty? How exactly do you suggest she cover for screwing up the whole unavoidably noticeable speaking part? Ty-Ty explains, “This is a brand that is happy and free and bubbly… so when you mess up it would almost be better to go ‘Whooooooooo!’ as opposed to…”

…acting like Tyra whenever Naomi Campbell comes around??!?…

Okay, thanks for yet another pointless pile of twigturds, Tyra! Sorry, but if you fuck up a speaking role there is no way to cover that shit up!. Oh well, let’s see how her photo turned out with Jim The Fug…

…much better…

Sex-God says it’s beautiful and she’s really connecting with the camera, and Tyra hands out her most cherished praise, “It is the epitome of ‘smiling with your eyes’!” Then she continues, “This client, it used to be about bubbles and smiles and happiness… but over the years they’re using more sultry pictures with some sweetness and I think you captured that!” This completely ignores the fact that 30 seconds ago she said the client still was all about bubbly smiley happyfaces, so, gibberish as usual.

Next up is Anime, and they watch her “best take”. At least they were able to get one where she didn’t stop or forget any of the words, but it’s also pretty meh. Sex-God says it’s just okay, Porizkunty says it’s not bad, Miss J.Moe says it was all right and Amir The Uggo just sits there and swelters under the studio lights. Tyra tries to coach Anime on how to sound more natural, but that’s pretty much a waste of time because she sounds so unnatural herself. When she’s finished with her silly demonstration she insists “That’s how human beings talk!”…

…Not on this planet, honeychile!…

Anime’s dumbfounded look is completely appropriate. She’s even more thunderstruck when Porizkunty compliments her on her voice being expressive for a change. Now it’s time to take a look at her FugPhoto…

…disturbingly normal (if a little bit giraffe-necked)…

Amir The Uggo finally speaks, and it’s creepy as hell, “It’z vayrey beeyooteefool, anduh ai feel alsoww a liddle bidduv sex, a liddle bidduv morr sexee, yoonoe?” as he leers at her and makes boobie-rubbing gestures with his hands. Anime looks like she wishes she could take a long shower in Clorox right now. Tyra tries to take her mind off of that by complimenting her on a job well done and saying she actually could be a commercial model (you know, outside of comic books).

Bringing up the sassy rear is a confident AmINuts, her commercial take is clearly the best out of all three of them, and when it’s finished Sex-God applauds her and Tyra’s all “Look at you!” and loves all the personable touches she threw in. And then they look at her photo…

…and all the praise dies on their lips…

CreepAmir says “Thee saynsayshonn eez datyoo havv morr to poot een da peecturr, yoonoe?” as he makes more breast-fondling movements with his free hand (I dunno where his other one is). Ewie. Tyra says that while her commercial was amazing her photo was “Wahh-wahhhhhh” because she still doesn’t know how to control the muscles in her face. She continues that it’s disappointing because she thinks Nutsy has the kind of beauty that could go both high-fashion and mass-appeal, but it never quite gets captured on film. Poor girl is absolutely crestfallen, but they’re kinda right.

So it’s a rare daytime deliberation!

Teyomboy: “Beautiful photograph” but “really dreadful performance in her commercial”.
Anime: “Can’t you imagine her in a Rosa Chá fashion show?” but “She doesn’t have the height for the catwalk”.
AmINuts: “Beautiful girl and very eye-catching” but “She hasn’t learned how to photograph her face properly”.

The girls come back in and the first one chosen is (of course) Anime-Eyes who looks shocked and surprised at being a finalist, except we all pretty much knew she’d be here from the get-go. So it’s down to the sistas, AmINuts and Teyomboy… and, no great surprise, it’s Teyomboy staying while Nutsy’s going home. She’s crying a little… as I would have, too, this is a pretty awful place to get cut during this show…

…but at least she was successful at restraining her urge to stab Tyra when she comes in for her pity hug…

She also withstands the condescending commentary from Tyra about her face having “Novocain in the places that it shouldn’t be!” After she hugs Teyomboy and Anime goodbye she really loses it, “It just hurts, you know? Because I wanted it so bad!” Cheer up, Nutsy! I’m willing to bet you they’ll be knocking down your door to get you on the catwalk in NYC during Fashion Week!

Ah, but enough about the sad times, let’s move on to the hip-hoppy-happy times, which involves Anime and Teyomboy meeting up with Ann “The Schnozz” Shoket, who giggles that one of them is going to be America’s Next Top Model and they’ll be on the cover of Seventeen Magazine and 13,000,000 teenage girls are going to see the picture that they’re taking today! I’m shuddering at the mere thought of 13 million teenage girls doing anything all at once…

…Which one will they want to emulate? White & Pink? Or Black & Blue?…

Did they plan to put Anime in the traditional girly color and Teyomboy in the traditional boyly color? Hmmm. Anyways, Schnozzie claims she’s never witnessed such a tight competition for the cover of Seventeen magazine. I’ve never witnessed nostrils the size of airplane hangars before, but there we are.

Later on the girls meet up with Gay-Jay for their final runway show at the Auditório Ibirapuera, which a big avant-garde concert hall that is home to a school of music for young people and the “Brazilian Orchestra Of The Auditorium”…

…it is also apparently a shrine in honor of cunnilingus…

Before they get swallowed up by the horny building, Gay-Jay also lets them know that some real Brazilian fashion models will be joining them in the show today (for added stress) and sends them off to hair and makeup. It appears that this is going to be kind of an avant-garde show, because they’re doing that whole “paint half the face and spike it with a BeDazzlerâ„¢” thing…

…and the excitement is palpable…

I love all the turd-like up-dos. Miss McKey is there, too, and she’s asking Anime if she’s nervous at all. Anime is justifiably anxious because runway work is all about the walk and hers has “geeky spaz” written all over it… but apparently she has been practicing, so maybe she’s got a shot after all. Teyomboy’s not so worried about her walk, but her confidence took a big hit with her epic fail on the commercial, so she’s more determined than ever to work some magic.

Now Tyra’s backstage to look them over one final time, wish them luck, and remind them that they’re going to be required to do the “Brazilian Stomp”. I’m still kind of perplexed that they keep tossing this term around without actually explaining it to us. Is it anything like the Bristol Stomp? Does it have something to do with showing off a Brazilian Wax? I sure hope not, there’s far too much bony female flesh on display as it is.

Oooh, and they weren’t kidding about having the elite of Brazilian fashion involved in this shindig, because MottaMouth is decked out and ready to Stomp with the rest of ‘em…

…”Por que é Tyra não igualmente exigido para fazer esta merda?”…

The show is about to start… and out come the American Fashion stars, led by Queen Tyra herself! Everybody looks really nice. That is, until Miss J. comes swishing out and completely blows their fashion credibility to the skies…

…Os homossexuais Americanos são estúpidos e insanos!…

I guess muumuus are hot in Miss J-World. At any rate, they’ve brought back the Capoeira Crew, and I could watch them do their crazy shit for hours, it’s so much more fun than stupid models walking in a straight line, but of course that’s not what we’re here to see. And now it’s time for the moment of truth… start stomping!

Miss McKey is actually first out of the gate, and she’s decked out as the Pasty Yet Pretty Angel Of Deathâ„¢…

…she may suck at commercials, but damn if she’s not more modellesque than anybody else was this cycle!…

Now it’s Teyomboy’s turn, and she’s in a white bikini with giant red feather plumes on each arm. So far I haven’t noticed anything particularly stompy (or Brazilian) about how the models are walking, but perhaps it’s some subtle variation that my non-fashionista eyes cannot discern. She looks hot, though…

…even if she does appear to be performing to the floor somewhat…

They give us a rather unflattering glimpse of one of BNTM‘s past winners…

…I’d be pissed too if I were relegated to 4 seconds of screen time…

…and then it’s time for Anime to start stomping. Or just plain walking. Whichever. She’s in an army-green bikini and has a ridiculously long train trailing after her. I was afraid this might make it hard for her to walk like a normal human, but amazingly she’s got some fire and some sass to the way she’s working that bony body of hers…

…she’s come a long way up from pissing on the coffee table!…

In fact, she’s so vastly improved that it makes me wonder if her “terrible walk” was all just a hoax from the beginning and she was just pretending to be so awkward in order to showcase this miraculous transformation all the more. It’s hard to tell with this show. Of course, Porizkunty and Ty-Ty share gleaming smiles at each other as she walks by and murmur how awesome Anime’s doing.

Well, that was Round One. Round Two involves samba dancing down the runway in another swimsuit combo with giant headdresses on. Teyomboy’s praying that she can find her soul and her rhythm, ‘cuz Lord knows she had trouble with the dancing last episode!

She’s not the only one, because Anime hasn’t suddenly gained any natural grace for dancing, either. However, since they both have teensy feather boas attached to their arms, she’s doing her best to wave them about to distract people from her lack of rhythm.

Of course, ten minutes have gone by since anybody noticed or paid any attention to the ridiculousness that is Miss J. so the second the samba music starts up, he’s up out of his seat and bouncing up and down like a crazed popcorn kernel…

…note that everyone ignores him… except for CreepAmir, who gets excited…

I think nobody’s explained to CreepAmir that Miss J. isn’t really a Miss, but I say let him find that out on his own. Anyhow, as Teyomboy approaches the Judges Area, he seems to be doing his best to break her concentration, gesturing wildly and waving his hands everywhere…

…and she follows Tyra’s lead and completely ignores him…

Good for you, girl, that queen needs to sit his ass down, this shit ain’t about him. On the other hand, when Anime walks by and he does the same thing she shimmies her boas at him, which pleases Miss J. mightily and to no end…

…now I understand what Porizkunty meant when she said desperation wasn’t sexy…

For some reason Tyra thought that their little exchange was “cute”. I would have labeled it “embarrassing” myself. Oh well, back to the show. The final round has the girls changing into yet another bikini and being slathered with motor oil? I’m not sure what that shit is, but it’s black and gooey and Gay-Jay is deathly afraid that he’s going to get some on him and his tacky palm-tree-patterned silk shirt. He reminds the girls that this is the finale (in case they forgot) and that they are in Brazil (in case they forgot that, too) and that he wants energy! “Make it work, make it work!” he yells like he’s a prettier version of Tim Gunn or something (except we all know that Tim Gunn would never be caught dead in most of the crap that Gay-Jay wears).

And with that, it begins! There are speedo-clad male models in this part as well, everybody’s greased up like pigs, and they’re writhing about on an oil slick that’s been created on the floor of the runway…

…and you just know that Anime wishes it had been blooooooood…

Um. Ok. This has what to do with modelling, exactly? This seems more like performance art to me, which is fine, but I’m curious how the girls are supposed to compete at this activity… is there some kind of floppy-flailing technique they should be using, or does Miss J. teach a segment on runway crawling, or maybe does “smiling with the eyes” come in handy here? I am confuse.

Either way, Anime says she actually felt “kinda sexy” during this segment (I think my BF agreed with her at the sight of all the hardbodied and well-oiled young men they were surrounded by) and so did Teyomboy, because she started whipping her fake-ponytail all over the place, which caused Tyra to yell at her “Work it out!”. And then disaster strikes…

…in the form of every drag queen’s worst nightmare…

While losing their weave might have sent someone else down in flames, Teyomboy just rolled with the punch and perhaps secretly tried to beat or strangle Anime with it when nobody was looking. Truth be told, they look like they’re having a lot of fun roiling around in all that slicksterness. Perhaps the next time my BF goes to change the oil in my car I should suggest this to him.

Eventually the two girls writhe their way down to a point right in front of the judges and then everything stops and they all collapse. Thunderous applause and a standing ovulation ensues!…

…y’know, from this angle it looks like they’ve been playing in a big puddle of babypoo, and that doesn’t seem like so much fun…

Ty-Ty greets the girls backstage and gushes at how amazing that was and how awesome they did, especially when Teyomboy just kept on wiggling even when she lost her hairpiece. Finally she tells them to go get cleaned up (and for Teyomboy to get some more hair) and she’ll meet them back at Judges Panel to tell them who is going to be America’s Next Top Model!

As day quickly turns into night, the girls appear in the Judging Chamber, and for some reason they’ve only been allowed to wear their bikinis to this final critique session? OH, it’s because they’re Rosa Chá bikinis, and Wal-Mart we Tresemmé HairCare mustn’t Cover Girl forget Seventeen Magazine our CW Network product Tyra Banks Show placement…

…Is she finished shilling yet? Have they forgotten anyone?…

Almost, but not quite… at stake here is a contract with Elite Model Management, a six-page-spread (plus cover) in Seventeen Magazine, plus a $100,000.00 contract with Cover Girl Cosmetics! NOW, we’re finished and the final bullshit critiques can begin…

Anime impressed everyone with her much-improved runway walk. Tyra goes so far as to say she thought Teyomboy was going to kill her on the runway, and that Anime would be nothing but a “bug-eyed mess!” but it wound up being the opposite. I love how she casually tosses out an insult like that and nobody says a word!

Teyomboy impressed everyone with her great walk, but Sex-God thinks she didn’t give enough body-language, and Ty-Ty agrees, complaining that she was too “robotic” at times. Whatever, Tyra 2.0, if anybody knows robotic, it’s you and your ever-expanding robot thighs…

…and thanks for helping Miss J. flash everyone with his Medusa Manginaâ„¢ and turn them to stone…

Now they decide to go back and rehash previous photo-shoots, and I’m not going to bother much with rehashing this old shit except to say that Porizkunty completely lied and said that Anime’s picture during the light-dildo challenge was much stronger than Teyomboy’s. How do I know this is a lie? Because earlier in the show Tyra made mention of the fact that Teyomboy’s photos had been unanimously chosen by the judges as the best overall on three separate occasions… and the first of those occasions was the light-dildo challenge. Poor Porizkunty! I guess she doesn’t realize that only Tyra is allowed to go back and rewrite history on ANTM. Perhaps this is part of the reason she got fired from the show and won’t be back (happy dance happy dance!).

Beyond that, all the other critiques of previous photos were pointless filler the same old shit as before and only served to allow Miss J.Moe the chance to showcase his final dumbass bowtie…

…*sigh*…if only that were a giant carnivorous gay moth trying to strangle him…

After all this, Tyra stops and stares intensely at the girls, “Do you see how close and neck-and-neck your critique was? Do you see that? So you have to understand how difficult it’s going to be for us to decide who’s America’s Next Top Model.” Oh yes, I’m sure it’s definitely harder to be the crazy-ass rich-bitch that’s judging this bullshit than to be the poor skinny hungry-ass girl whose entire modelling career will either get sorta-made… or will be sent swirling down the crapper until she ends up doing Wal-Mart ads. Er. Um. I mean, way worse Wal-Mart ads than the ones they’ve already done…

With that, they send the girls out to go “get nervous” (those were Ty-Ty’s exact words, isn’t she sweet?) while they deliberate one last time…

Miss J.Moe says Teyomboy wasn’t as strong on her runway walk as he thought she could have been, while Anime’s walk far exceeded his admittedly low impressions. Porizkunty and Sex-God agree. Yay for lowered expectations!

Tyra chimes in, claiming that she loved Anime’s “playfulness” on the runway, citing when Miss J. got all out-of-control and did his “Miss J. thing” to her (i.e. tried to jump up and down, flash his skank-panties and steal the spotlight) and she just went “Whoooooo!” and shook her boas right back at him… while Teyomboy just kept on walkin like she ain’t talkin’ to him any more. Girl, if I’da seen that mess jiggling about on my final runway I’d have ignored his ass, too!…

…much like Porizkunty’s trying to ignore him right now…

On the other hand, during the Oil Slick Orgy, Ty-Ty thought Anime looked cute and sweetly sexy, but when Teyomboy started whipping her lost weave around like a lariat it was ovah! Anime-Teyomboy, Teyomboy-Anime, they go back and forth a bunch more times trying to drum up some uncertainty until it’s time to call the girls back in… and America’s Next Top Model is…

…about to get laser-eyed to death by Anime!…

Yup, it’s Teyomboy! Was anybody really surprised? Eh, not completely. She bursts into tears and Anime is kind enough to give her a whispered “Good job, Teyona” as they hug. Then Teyomboy hugs Tyra and thanks her. Then Tyra goes and hugs Anime and tells her that she’s no longer just the “weird girl”… now she’s the “weird cool girl”. Gee thanks, Tyra, I’m sure that’s just like $100,000.00 worth of compliments to her ears right now.

However, Anime’s keeping a positive spin on it, saying she’s super-disappointed because she really wanted to win, but that she’s ecstatic she got as far as she did and is really proud of herself (and she’s already been offered a contract with Nous Model Management, so I’m sure we’ve not seen the last of ol’ Creepy Chan just yet).

And Teyomboy’s work isn’t over yet, it’s just beginning! She has to go do a photo shoot right then and there with Sex-God and Tyra herself…

…because Tyra will never let you forget that she’s always breathing over your shoulder, reminding you that she made you, and she can just as easily cut you up and eat you, too!…

Don’t believe me? Listen to Tyra’s final voice-over: “Teyona came into this competition unaware of her modelling potential… *I* spotted this photogenic beauty with ‘wind in the face’ when she was a diamond in the rough… but look at her now as she poses for her winner photo shoot with me! She’s evolved into a precious gem! Congratulations Teyona!”…

…and watch your back, girl!…

And there you have it. Cycle 12 is officially in the toilet can! What did you think of this episode (or even this cycle for that matter)? Did you think Anime should have won instead? Are you going to miss Porizkunty and her nasty remarks? Can you believe we’re all done for another three months until the Lucky Little People Cycle 13 debuts?

I really want to thank everybody who embraced and supported me working this cycle, I have really appreciated everyone’s commentary and opinions… and now I’m going to be taking a bit of a break… but you may see me pop up again on another show at some point, who knows when or where? Until then, I’ll see you guys around…

love, J-Mo