America’s Next Top Model: People Nearly Died for This Shit?

****And now please welcome LOLO back to the fold!! WE MISSED YOU BABE!

Well, I gotta hand it to Flipit. Only two things would have forced me out of recap retirement: giving me an outlet for my Tyra rage or making Jeff from BB my personal sex slave. Because Technotronics is still safely sequestered in the jury house, I had to settle for the former. But it’s only a matter of time before he returns to Chicago. I have the rop– err, roses, waiting for him.

But while Jeff looks into restraining orders, I will be your new recapper for America’s Next Top Model! I’m so excited to be back with y’all, and thrilled to have been given such a great show to do! This cycle’s all about the shorties and I’m confident Tyra will be as AWFUL as ever. We got a two-hour premiere to get us started, so let’s check these short bitches out!

Yep, looks like I’m right.

Okay Tyra starts us off with some babble about her “changing the modeling industry” and other mememememe shit where she tries to sell us her delusions that anyone from this show ever has had a successful career as a top model. Yeah, letting a plus size girl win really made a difference. The only place I still see fatties is in my mirror, mmkay T? She then tells us about her revolutionary idea to open auditions to only girls 5’7″ and under, and gushes about the response and turn out at auditions. Curiously, she neglects to mention this:

“Everybody just calm the fuck down. I assure you, you are all homely enough to get cast on this show.”

I guess mentioning STAMPEDES sorta tramples (heh heh heh) the benevolent benefactor role Tyra likes to cast herself in. Anywhoo, she’s narrowed it down to 32 semifinalists who are pretty irrelevant because we’ll know within minutes by the editing who’s actually going to make the final 14.

First thing the girls do is check in at the hotel a dude who makes Miss J look like he radiates masculinity. Wow. The only way I thought they were ever going to accomplish that one was if they somehow convinced Tom Cruise to guest judge. One of the early arrivals is Bianca from Cycle 9! Or… wait. No, it’s just another bald Black girl with the same name. Bizarre. She’s certainly prettier than the original, and I hope she’s bitchier as well (although that’ll certainly be hard to do given what a heinous twat the original was).

Courtney hobbles up with some fug gladiator sandals that proves that those shoes make even skinny bitches’ legs look fat. She broke her foot at a cheerleading competition but she’s a trooper and she can do it and rah rah rah blech. Bad makeup and a shiny face aren’t helping her either. The only other one who makes an early impression on me is Brittany. Oof. Nice lantern jaw.

The girls gather in a ballroom to be subjected to some horrible acting from some douche named Bradford who pretends he is a designer and didn’t come straight from central casting. Based on this performance, dude better stick to bussing tables at the Olive Garden. But Bradford’s nothing to what happens next. Oh yes, it is time for Tyra’s self-indulgent, ridiculously painful theatrical bullshit she likes to begin every cycle with. Given the choice between slitting my wrists with sandpaper and watching a montage of these performances from over the years, I’ll take grinding at my skin for 14 hours, thank you very much.

Oh my fucking god. She is now ranting in a fake french accent for no fucking good reason other than to show how little talent she has at anything but being AWFUL. The girls are screaming and idolizi– I can’t guys. I can’t. I will be outside smoking a cigarette and will return when the urge to throw my wine glass through my TV subsides. In the meantime, if anyone else needs to get ahold of their rage, this should help:

“Look at this fucking makeover that bitch gave me.”

Okay. I’m back. Ultimately, I think giving myself lung cancer is better for my health than listening to Tyra “act.” The girls go into a mock designer’s studio, where they find the Jays waiting for them. They’re both looking good, and I’m digging Mr. Jay’s Silver Surfer-inspired dye job. The ladies line up to get measured. Nicole quickly establishes herself as a bitch by telling us that — at 18 — she’s like, totally more mature than everyone else. Okay, you know this chick’s going to be involved in at least three screaming fights before she gets booted. Because that’s what mature people do. They also tell you how mature they are.

Sundai (oh lord) begins campaigning for the pity girl role by telling us she’s had a rough childhood and been in foster care. She also clocks in at a little over 5’3″, which I’m sure she’ll eventually attribute to her having to eat paintchips as a kid or some shit because we’re supposed to feel SORRY for her. Don’t worry, Sundai, I do feel sorry for you. The combination of that name and that nappy ass weave on your head is more than enough without you playing the foster care card.

After measurements, the girls briefly do a runway walk. Miss J gives some uncharacteristically good advice about how their confidence level will make up for their height deficiencies. He also mocks quite a few of them, which is really great for that confidence level he JUST mentioned. What a dick, haha. Mr. Jay then takes a beauty shot of each. Rae tells us she’s a mom, and we’re treated to a picture of her holding up her albino, uncovered baby to the sun like some sort of pagan offering. That’s one way to get rid of the unwanted consequence from the Sigma Chi gang bang.

“Burn, mistake, burn!”

Alison, a cute but uninspiring girl, tells us she’s been a “modeling teacher” for three years now, so she feels a lot of pressure. Honey, that saying “those that can’t do, teach” was invented for people like you. Way to drag your career out back and shoot it in the face. And by “career” I mean losing the handful of desperate homely chicks and/or stage moms stupid enough to not distinguish the end results of paying you and using their money as toilet paper.

Oh wow, and here’s the first batshit crazy bitch of the cycle — Amber. First, she stomps down the runway like she’s chasing after her self respect that fled when she agreed to be on this show. Then, she screams at us “I’M FOR JESUS CHRIST!!!!” And she’s crying. For Jesus. And she thinks Jesus is hanging out up there being like, you know what? I really want Amber to be on ANTM because being mocked on the internet for a few weeks before sliding back into obscurity is how Amber is going to change the world. Although, to be fair the Jesus, this probably IS the most Amber is ever going to accomplish.

Afterwards, the girls gather to boast about being short and indulge in their shared delusions that Tyra and this show makes any damn difference in the modeling industry. Amber further cements her status as my current favorite by telling everyone that she is NOT a virgin, but that you’re only supposed to “have that burning sensation for your Lord Jesus instead of another man.” So does that mean Jesus has chlamydia? Or did the first guy(s) give Amber chlamydia, and Amber’s pissed because if she were to get chlamydia, she’d want Jesus’ chlamydia? I’m very confused, and all I know is I’m not going to hook up with either Amber or Jesus until they both agree to get tested.

“Raise your hand if you’ve got open sores in the shape of crucifixes! Because I DO!!!”

We’re then off to the first panel interviews. The old hag of the group, Jennifer, 23, is first. She’s cute, has a great body, is bubbly, and looks younger than 23. She’s also Asian, and we know Tyra’s been itching from having sex with Jesus? to add an Asian girl to her collection for a long time now. In other words, Jennifer will make the top 14 and eventually be booted for not having a “fresh” look. She tells the panel a story about how she got in a fight with some girl from Jersey. Now that’s something I’d like to see. No one can throw down like pissed off Asian chicks and skanks from Jersey.

Courtney comes hobbling in on her crutches, and they show us the footage of her breaking her foot. AGH. She then tells us that she’s broken her foot FOUR times. Okay, you are too old (22) and evidently too sucky to be doing that anymore. Not that I think her shiny, rodent face should be here either. But the judges like her and her ribcage/nipples physique.

Okay, do they have ho-downs in New Orleans? Up next is Amanda, a rather plain girl who shows up wearing mom jeans, and looking like she’s trying to find a corn husking festival. Turns out Amanda is dirt poor, in that she doesn’t even have plumbing and literally pisses in the dirt outside her trailer. She tells us she lives with her cousin husband and two roommates (?!?) in the trailer, and she tells the panel that she wants to model to make some money. I’m really hoping she does not make the cut because she’s almost too sad to mock. Almost. Like, I’d feel slightly bad about it. But not really.

“My family tree stopped branching out a while ago, y’all. What’s that mean?”

Bianca v. 2.0 is next. I really was liking her until Tyra asked her about her ex-boyfriend and the “serious issue” music began playing. Bianca tells the panel that she and the ex got in a big fight and she “woke up with scars all over her face.” Okay, first the chick’s skin is perfect so she’s either invested tens of thousands of dollars in plastic surgery, or needs to look up the word scar in a dictionary. Your face is NOT Padma Laksmi’s arm. Second, Tyra manages to top that brilliance like only Tyra can by asking Bianca “he beat you?” No, Tyra, she sleep walked into a cheese grater. Come on.

In comes lantern jaw Brittany who decides talking about her love of math of all things is the way to make the finals. The only math Miss J knows is how to add or subtract random hideous accessories from his outfit. Get past 14 and he’s flummoxed. Lantern jaw then begins babbling about how she knows the math of her face and studies it all the time. Okay, I see where she’s coming from: 1 + 3 = GIGANTIC FUCKING JAW.

Sundai shows up, and Tyra immediately makes her pin back the rat’s nest of polyester swarming around her head. Let’s go back to that foster care story, as Sundai tells us that this hasn’t been exactly the easiest life she’s ever lived. Okay then. Can’t be worse than that life you were a dung beetle. Long story short: abusive mom, foster care, orphanage, and her family is evil (complete with drawing!) Shoo-in for the final 14.

With that loving demeanor, I’m absolutely shocked that no one wanted to adopt you.

Back to Amber! We see her dancing flailing for Jesus in front of the other girls, and Bianca accurately tells us that Amber is fucking nuts. They squabble for a few minutes, but it’s rather bland as Amber is too stupid to have a good comeback. Maybe it’s because she’s focusing on becoming more “lovinger.” Anyway, Amber shows up an panel, stalking towards the judges in a way that reminds me of my cat when he’s trying to shake off a dingleberry. Very amusingly, she describes it as her “catwalk… meow.” The judges immediately realize that this girl’s drank way too much of the Jesus Juice, which is only compounded to us viewers when she begins singing to us about Jesus. Okay, this girl’s gotta be full of shit. But I still love her.

Erin’s up next and she tells the judges she’s really “intelligence-based.” If intelligence is your strong suit sweetie, you might want to just start working at the strip club now and give in to the inevitable. She’s a very cute girl, but definitely does not scream model to me. Maybe I’m not intelligence based enough to get it.

Kara comes in and reminds me of Hilary Swank. Definite man face here, and she looks a hell of a lot older than 18. Not really much to say about her other than I think she actually looks like a model. Meaning she won’t make the cut or she won’t last long if she does.

LuLu’s the next girl, and she wastes no time showing off a truly hideous tattoo located above her left breast that photographers will LOVE to photoshop out. Nor does she waste time in announcing she’s a lesbian and the tattoo is her very manly-looking girlfriend’s name. Yeah, because you won’t regret that by the time you turn 20. Good for her, but I don’t think finalists should be chosen based on which causes they represent, TYRA. But between that and Miss J’s thrilled reaction, I’m positive that this one’s definitely getting in although I don’t think she looks like a model at all.

Wait… Is Miss J gay or something?

In the waiting area, Amber now reveals that she’s made out with a girl (hahaha this crazy ass bitch is priceless), and super-mature Nicole sits off to the side on her perch of superiority. She tells us that she just wants to model and skip the socialization. She then proceeds to tell the girls that her nickname growing up was “bloody eyeball” because she was born with a bloody eyeball. Really? Okay, first, the only way kids would know about the bloody eyeball were if Nicole told them, so if she’s telling the truth, then it’s her own damn fault. And second, I’m having a hard time believing that she really had that nickname. In my experience, cruel nicknames fall into three categories: fat, ugly or gay. Kids are just not any more creative than that. I mean, I was born with an undeveloped left hip socket, and my nickname was NOT “Undeveloped Left Hip Socket.”

A quick montage of a bunch of different commercial-ish girls follows, before we stop on Ashley. Girlfriend looks OLD. She evidently was recruited out of the audience at Tyra’s talk show, likely just so Tyra could plug her terrible talk show on ANTM. Gotta hand it to the twat — she knows how to manipulate to her advantage. Ashley seems super nice and well-spoken, but she looks 10 years older than her 22. Now that she’s served her Tyra show purpose, I can’t believe she’ll make the final 14.

Now it’s Bloody Eyeball Nicole’s turn. She tells us that she was never very popular in high school. YOU DON’T SAY. Maybe it’s because you’re a judgmental whore, Nicole. Just maybe. Then there’s something about her bringing a wheelbarrow to school. Well, I bet that arrogance and condescension is pretty heavy to lug around. The judges love her face — she is very pretty — and she’s clearly the cycle’s villain, so Bloody Eyeball definitely in.

“My other nickname is ‘Always Eats Bologna Sandwiches.’ Really. Everyone called me that.”

This brings us to Laura, who’s rocking a thick accent and brags about cutting the balls off 100 cows per day. Everyone’s gotta have a talent. I can’t tell if she’s pretty or not, but her look is definitely interesting.

Rae, the single mom with the albino kid, is before panel next, and happy music plays while Tyra asks about the little squirt. Tyra then abruptly asks about the time Rae was assaulted, and the music changes so quickly and so dramatically I started laughing while this girl talked about being assaulted. I’m an asshole. It’s a sad story and it’s her ticket to the top 14.

Remember crazy eyes mcgee, Allison, from last cycle? Rachel looks like her much-less attractive cousin. Whereas Allison was a pretty girl with startlingly large eyes, Rachel looks like she lived under power lines as a kid. Hell, she might have a tail tucked in the back of that swimsuit. However, the judges love her and seem to pointedly ignore they had another big-eyed freaky girl last cycle.

Allison the modeling teacher comes out, and I determine that she reminds me of Ross’ lesbian ex-wife on Friends. It’s not a good sign that you remind me of a woman probably at least twice your age. There’s some pathetic attempts by her to “teach” Miss J how to walk runway, and I’m disappointed he didn’t slap her for her impertinence. Because she’s got too many of her own opinions, he won’t let her move on even though her “clients” are likely six year olds vying to be on Toddlers & Tiaras.

“Let me teach your kids how to attract the lust of pedophiles everywhere!”

Raven darts into the room, doing cartwheels and splits and basically trying waaaay too hard and quickly earning her way onto my shitlist. The fact that she thinks top models usually have “big boobs” makes her stupid to boot. Well, maybe she means the Wal-Mart models, since that’s about the caliber of gig that the winner of this shit is going to book. Miss J worries about this girl being too ADD and unable to walk in heels, but I think she’ll make it because every cycle needs a kook to get eliminated in the first few weeks.

With the first round of interviews complete, the girls meet back with the Jays and learn that Tyra is cutting their number from 32 to 20. Let’s see how many of the 12 losers we “know.” I’m guessing 2 at most. And eliminated is: Raven! Wow, I’m surprised by that one. Anyone else? Haha! Allison, the teacher! Go back home honey and bury your career while you wait for the CW to launch the inevitable Friends remake.

The final 20 then meet with Mr. Jay, who delights in informing them that they have 5 minutes to do their own hair and makeup for a mini 4-shot photo shoot that’ll take place at the end of a runway. The makeup/hair goes smoothly with no bitches getting knocked out — yawn — and the runway/photo shoot begins. Nothing really to report here other than Amanda’s makeup makes her look like a clown whore. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised that a girl who doesn’t have any plumbing doesn’t have time to perfect her blush application. Oh, and Amber announces to Mr. Jay that Jesus wants to be a model. He basically laughs in her face and makes me love him even more.

And finally, it’s time to determine the top 14. Tyra insists in speaking with a French accent again for a few moments with the Jays, but shuts the fuck up before I need to leave the room. Highlights of their discussion are that Amanda has a shitty walk, Kara’s got old hag face, Ciara (who? you’re going home) is too commercial, Jennifer is too sexy, Rae is too muscular and Sundai’s poses are more ridiculous than those in the Zoolander walk off.

Time to find out which six girls are going home. I’m guessing we’ll know who four of the six are. Let’s see, shall we? And your top 14 are: Jennifer, Erin, Rachel, Kara (surprising…), LuLu, Rae, Ashley (also surprising), Lantern Jaw Brittany, Bianca, Courtney, Bloody Eye Nicole (who might be a walking corpse of condescension given all the energy she displayed), Amber (thank you Jesus is right, for giving me such material), Laura and Sundai. Therefore, eliminated is: Lisa, Amanda and that random Ciara chick that we’re supposed to care about. If it’s any consolation, winning this would have meant absolutely nothing.

“Now who’s ready to bend to my mind-numbing hypocrisy and inflated sense of self? Starting with thinking I can pull off this jacket!”

But wait! There’s a second episode tonight, AND it’s the always-good makeover episode!!!

As the second half starts, the girls are strolling around Hollywood and firmly settling into the roles the editors have cast them in. Bloody Eye Nicole maturely brags to us about being the best, and Bianca wins the title of idiot who spouts the “I’m not here to make friends” reality cliche first. They soon realize that Amber is missing, but chalk it up to her having to see a doctor for whatever burning Jesus has caused her today.

The Jays rolls up in a limo and take the girls to a second location. There, they announce truly terrible news: Amber has dropped out of the competition due to “personal issues.” NOOOOO. Whether she’s currently being fitted for a straight jacket or is singing kumbaya and sharing ointment with a WWJD cult is left unsaid. Either way, this sucks. The Jays bring in Lisa as the replacement, and everyone shrieks like they’re actually happy their number is back at 14. Lisa tells us that just because she’s the replacement doesn’t mean she’s going to get eliminated early. Uh, yeah, actually I think it will Lisa. The girl is beautiful but in a commercial way, and Tyra won’t like admitting she made a mistake by originally cutting her. I give Lisa 2 episodes, max.

With that out of the way, the Jays reveal it’s time for “Ty-overs”, which is that stupid bitch’s way of yet again making EVERYTHING about her. Heinous. Thankfully she’s not there in person, but we do have to listen to her memememe babble as she describes each makeover.

Lantern Jaw Brittany is going dark to actually MATCH her eyebrows, so I approve of that one. It’ll also make her blue eyes pop. However, I think it makes her jaw look even bigger, which I didn’t think was possible. Good job, T.

AGGH. Erin got the world’s worst dye job, with this terrible bottle-blonde color. Bitch looks like she stuck her head in a vat of hydrogen peroxide.

“I am even more based in intelligence than ever before.”

Bug-eyed Rachel goes dark, and Jennifer loses a couple inches and gets a mini eyebrow wax. Boring! I need some bitches to cry. Lisa also only loses a few inches, and is surprised by the lack of change. I’m guessing Tyra didn’t want to waste the budget on your ass.

They thankfully pull the the rat’s nest off of Sundai’s head, and give her the Fantastic Sam’s version of the Rihanna haircut. Hopefully this one doesn’t also come with a punch in the face (although I reserve the right to revise this opinion depending on how much Sundai annoys me throughout the cycle).

Tyra has dyed Courtney’s hair redder and given her a short, spiky haircut. She should take this back to the cheerleading squad and get her ass kicked — unless she breaks her ankle again before that can happen. I don’t think it looks very good, but then again, Courtney’s face isn’t helping things.

LuLu is given thick, black bangs and a medium-length straight weave. She now reminds me of Thing i and Thing 2 from Flavor of Love 3, but perhaps with less meth face.

Lucky you.

Being bald, there’s not much they can do to Bianca because there’s nothing to tie a weave to. I’d love it if they just slammed a wig they got at Wal-Mart on her head. Look about as good as some of these other girls’ hair. But no, Tyra has decided to dye Bianca’s eyebrows because Tyra cannot accept that any of these girls look good enough coming in. Bianca begins complaining about the sting of the chemicals so close to her eyes and we might have the elusive makeover crying. I hope they burn them off. Aaaand they’re so pale it looks as if they did pretty much remove them! Haha! Bianca hates it, but it’s really not that bad. I mean, she’s bald already — what’s a little less hair?

Sidenote: I love me some Jennifer Aniston, but I think the only way you can get me to see this “Love Happens” movie is if you fit me with that eye-opening apparatus from “A Clockwork Orange.”

Bloody Eye Nicole’s up next, and she gets redder, messier hair than she had. Another boring one. For Rae, they do the same goddamn blonde hideous thing to her as they did to Erin. One of these girls is going home soon since they have now created a spare. Laura and Kara get highlights. Ashley gets a longer, center-parted weave. God, these makeovers SUCK. I am extremely disappointed with the lack of drama from the girls and cruelty from Tyra. Where’s the ill-advised Mia Farrow haircut this cycle? That’s like a guaranteed shitshow.

After makeovers, it’s time to shriek and ooh and ahh over their house. Tyra’s vomited her image all over the place as usual, but the house has a cute Alice in Wonderland type theme that plays on the girls’ height. They start unpacking, and Bianca show’s off her bitchy side again by warning the others not to steal her shit. Don’t worry, honey, I don’t think anyone wants to wear that referee vest but you. Laura knows the girls don’t want to steal her clothes because her grandma made them for her. One of the outfits is a stripped bra top and skirt. Wow.

Grandma’s next project.

A mini shit-talking session begins in the hot tub about Bloody Eye Nicole, but so far everyone’s keeping their claws sheathed. That definitely needs to change. Jennifer, who’s inside checking on her AARP benefits, notices that a big, fake tacky bank vault door is flashing and buzzing. She correctly identifies the door as the logo of Tyra’s production company, Bankable Productions. Does this labia have any shame? This is a new low, even for Tyra. Jesus. Inside is Tyra Mail, which hints the girls will go “gaga.” They guess it’ll be a baby theme, and for once they’re probably right.

Sure enough, they arrive at the photo shoot and learn they will each be reinterpreting one of their own baby pictures. Erin’s up first, wearing a super cute frilled blouse and a post-labotomy expression. I really fucking hate this makeover, she looks awful. Her pose consists of staring blankly ahead, and Mr. Jay tells us he thinks she lucked into a great shot, but he doesn’t have high hopes for her future.

LuLu — a.k.a. Thing 3 — seems to do well at her shoot, using the props naturally and looking comfortable in front of the camera. Rachel’s baby picture is adorable but then she fucking salutes (?!) the camera during her shoot. I’m assuming something went wrong during her development where her eyes got too big and her brain got too small. Rae’s baby picture is her in a ballerina pose, and wardrobe sticks her in EIGHT inch high fetish heels that give the illusion of her standing en pointe. Gotta love sticking the mother of the group in the S&M gear. She falls down while getting ready, and wardrobe admits they’ve never seen anyone actually try to stand or walk in these things. Haha. Assholes. She stumbles onto set, telling us that this is for her daughter (vom), and does really well after Jay gives her some advice. I also want to note her hair looks a LOT better than Erin’s.

Meanwhile, Bianca’s bitching up a storm in hair and makeup about how the makeup they’ve put on her is all wrong, and how Sundai’s looks better, and blah blah blah. Do you EVER stop complaining? No wonder your boyfriend be– erm. I’ll be going to hell now, thanks.

Courtney’s shoot goes really well although I think she looks a bit slutty, sprawled out with her dress parted practically up to her taint.

Bianca comes out for her turn, and her makeup looks great — yet she still bitches about it to Mr. Jay! She then has a shitty photo shoot due to lack of energy and just coming off like a total twat. Jay tries to talk to her afterwards about being professional and pushing through bad makeup, hair, whatever. Instead of taking his advice, Bianca decides instead this is a good time to complain about her outfit! Way to establish yourself as a problem model on set during the first shoot, dumbass.

Mr. Jay empathizes with Bianca’s ex-boyfriend.

Lantern jaw Brittany is next, and her makeup, hair and outfit are all adorable. Besides the jaw that would put Jay Leno to shame, she looks great. And then the shoot begins… hello, pornography! Her childhood picture is her eating a pixistick or some other candy from a straw, so now we get to watch her stick a phallic-shaped object in her mouth while sprawling on her back with her legs hanging open. Jay intervenes (didn’t look like the photographer minded Brittany’s poses), and she gets some good shots at the end.

Oh and here is how Tyra is going to get rid of Lisa right away — first, she’s got one of the worst baby pictures to work from, since it’s her in a clown outfit. Second, they stick her in a gigantic pompom collar that’ll be difficult to work around. And third, they paint the red dots on her cheeks and nose, ensuring she looks absolutely ridiculous. Before she even gets on set, I know she’s going to be in the bottom two. Tyra’s such a bitch. Anyway, the shoot is terrible, as Lisa’s afraid of falling off the block they’re making her stand on, and doesn’t know what to do with the gigantic balloon props. She decides humping them might be a good idea. Jay tells us it was like watching paint dry. Yeesh.

Ashley’s shoot is good, although she looks like she’s straining to take a shit a few times as she arches unnaturally on a couch. Sundai’s doesn’t go nearly as well, as it seems she just stood around with her arms crossed over her chest. Granted, the poor girl was in a nude bra because her baby photo was topless, but you gotta do something up there sweetie. You don’t have that rat’s nest anymore to hide your bag of tricks.

Nicole gets a really cool romper/harem pants outfit and her hair is teased out wider than Tyra’s ass. She’s fucking mute both before and after the shoot, even when Jay gushes praise on her for a fantastic shoot. Maybe she thinks the mature thing to do is to pretend to be catatonic unless asked a direct question. What a bizarre girl. Courtney talks shit from the balcony, pouting that Nicole doesn’t talk and seems like she knows nothing then rocks it on set. I don’t see what one has to do with the other, but Courtney’s a moron.

“I bet she can’t even do a side hurdler jump. I can, as long as you’re not going to be picky and demand I don’t break any bones in the process. It doesn’t have to be perfect.”

Kara has to shove her man face through a fake cabbage patch, but evidently gets some good profile shots. Laura comes out in nude underwear and reenacts holding her baby sister. Jay warns her that the doll is to be handled like an accessory, and Laura immediately tells the doll that they’re going to the mall and starts dangling it by her side. Haha. The only way she could make that more Kentucky was if she had told the doll that they were going to a NASCAR event. And then traded it in for some biscuits.

Jennifer has a beautiful dress on, and her baby picture is her buried in sand. Because these bitches are hypothetically going to be hired (hahahaha) to help sell clothes, Jay instructs her that they will not be burying her because they want to see the dress. Jennifer then decides it’s a great idea to lay on her stomach, which really shows off the garment. Surprisingly, Jay does not seem bothered by that at all, and tells Jennifer that she did great. I think she looks more like she’s dying of dehydration. Either way, that’s a wrap!

The next morning, Bianca starts grilling Bloody Eye Nicole on why Nicole doesn’t talk. The inarticulate, “Like… uh… like…. um…” response Bianca gets should be enough for her to count her blessings. Nicole tells us that Bianca’s a shit stirrer, and I don’t know if she could have said anything more obvious than if she had said Tyra’s an egomaniac.

Speaking of, it’s time for panel! After playing some VERY strangely placed “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” background music, Tyra introduces the guest judge — Chanel Iman. Wow, an actual guest judge who IS a working model? This is unprecedented! She looks gorgeous, but let’s see if she can string together a sentence. Tyra then introduces Nigel (yum) and Miss J, and everyone pretends that they don’t notice there’s a missing fifth judge. Paulina, come back!!!

First up is Rachel. The judges generally like the picture, but complain that Rachel’s right hand looks a bit like a claw. Another birth defect, I suppose.

Invisible purse snatcher

The judges LOVE Ashley’s picture, saying she looks tall and is properly using her dance training to get a good shot.

Perhaps pole dancing training…

Time for the lantern-jawed girl who’s taking the porn industry by storm: Brittany. The judges like the final picture, and I think she looks gorgeous. But Tyra warns her that much of her film was too sexy. Brittany tries to blame it on the dark hair making her look more sultry than she’s used to, and Tyra literally molests herself in response. Just as I think it couldn’t get any worse, Tyra then sticks out her tongue and simulates oral sex. Holy crap, I am scarred for life. Seriously, that was high up there on the list of things I didn’t need to see, right between “Seth Rogen naked” and “Sex and the City 2.” ::Shudder::

“So I put this in the FIRST hole, right?”

Jennifer is next, and the judges love everything about it. I don’t really get it. She looks like she washed up on a beach.

“Must… find… fountain of youth… am… really… fucking… old… for this show.”

Man-faced Kara’s profile shot looks like she’s turning her head and coughing for her testicular exam. Tyra tells her that she picked a profile picture because Kara’s full frontal was too blah.

“Hmm, did I leave my jockstrap over here? Or over there?”

Rae’s shot is deemed graceful and loved by the judges as well. I am never that impressed with these kinds of pictures. I don’t think it takes that much talent to hang out like you’re waiting for the bus.

“Sigh. Why is the 151 always late? I’ve got more not-taking-care-of-my-child to do.”

Miss J scolds Sundai — the shortest girl in the competition at 5’3″ — for wearing leggings which only make her look shorter. The judges really dislike the picture, and so I. With that red plastic cup in her hand, she looks like she’s about to fall over while waiting in the keg line at a frat party. Sleepy drunk face is never good!

“I’ll blow ya if you let me cut in line.”

Lisa’s picture is judged as “mean” “amateur” and not showing enough neck. She’s so going home.

“FML.”

On the other hand, the judges love Bloody Eye Nicole’s photo, with Tyra just telling her to smile a bit more with her eyes in the future. Nicole just stares at them mutely and walks away. I really like her look, but the lack of personality will catch up with her sooner than later. And you know what she’ll blame it on.

“I pose this way because I’m MATURE.”

Laura looks great in her picture, and the only flaw the judges point out is that she should have arched and twisted her back more to give her body more shape. Scoliosis is so fashionable.

“I’m about as happy to have this kid as Rae is to have hers.”

Bianca comes down, and I laugh my ass off. Remember how she hated her makeup at the photo shoot? There she looked fantastic. Here, after doing her own makeup, she looks like Tammy Faye Baker. HAHA. The judges love the picture, but Tyra lectures her on her diva attitude.

“Don’t look at me! Did you hear what they did to my eyebrows! And this makeup is all subtle and flattering and AWFUL! And did I mention this outfit HURTS in the armpits! Where’s my agent! I think I’m very important!”

Erin looks creepy as hell, but the judges like it overall.

“Somebody better tell me what the fuck is on my head. RIGHT. NOW.”

Thing 3 LuLu is one of my favorites, and they love it and only tell her to elongate her neck more in the future.

“FLAVOR FLAV!!!!”

Courtney is last, and her picture is okay. Tyra warns her that her arm is too muscular, and she has to soften her look or be mistaken for an athlete. How, exactly, is she supposed to do that within the limited time of this competition, Tyra? I think we’ve just found out what will ultimately be the reason for Courtney’s elimination. I would have pegged it on the greasy face, but I suppose T has a point.

Reenacting ankle break #2.

During deliberations, Chanel proves she’s actually quite articulate when she points out that Brittany looks more like an actress modeling for a magazine than an actual model. Nigel echos my earlier joke re: Sundai, by commenting that she looks a little drunk in her picture. You and me, Nigel, we think alike. Let’s fuck. However, despite a few minor quibbles here and there, only Lisa’s picture is really criticized. They’re not even trying to hide the fact she’s going back to Queens tonight.

Elimination time! I predict Rae will be first… and I’m right! Bloody Eye Nicole is next, then Jennifer, Ashley, Courtney, Erin (I’m surprised she was called that early), Thing 3 LuLu, Rachel, Laura (who between this and when she was selected for the top 14, reeeeally needs to learn how to get ahold of herself in tense moments), Kara, Lantern-Jawed Brittany and Sundai.

This leaves Bianca and Lisa. You know my money’s on Lisa going. Tyra immediately claims that she “hates” that Lisa is in the bottom two because Lisa was given a second chance. I’m calling bullshit, Tyra. You want this bitch gone. Tyra basically tells Lisa that her photo sucked, and then they considered her personality, and well, that sucked too. Haha. Tyra tells Bianca that her picture was great, but she’s a heinous bitch so she needed to be shamed by falling to the bottom two. And… Bianca stays! Bye, bye Lisa. I’d mock you for squandering a second chance, but I don’t think Tyra ever gave you one.

So guys, do you think Tyra made the right decision in booting Lisa? Will Bianca learn her lesson or continue to complain incessantly? Who are your early favorites and who are the bitches you want gone the fastest? Were the makeovers as sucky as I thought they were? And did anyone else catch the previews for next week? God give me strength.