America’s Next Top Model: Super Smeyes Needs to Die.

This week on America’s Next Top Model, Tyra teaches us how to make up words. I can do it too! Let’s see… I’m going to take “awful” “arrogant” and “hypocrite” and what do I get?! TYRA!

“She’s a sucky person!”

After the previouslies, Tyra reveals the new cycle 13 opening — complete with captions telling us all about how Tyra is on a personal crusade against heightism or whatever the fuck she wants to call it. You gotta give the bitch credit on always finding new ways to show us how awesome she thinks she is. By cycle 18, Tyra will be taking a page from The Hills editing book and will just be dubbing in audio of the girls saying how great Tyra is each time one of them opens her mouth. Sure, it may be a little weird when one of them responds to being asked if she has to use the bathroom with “I can’t get over how gorgeous Tyra is in person!” or “Tyra really cares about us and is making such a difference in the industry”, but I don’t think anyone believes that Tyra gives a damn about subtlety when it comes to stroking her ego.

BTW, can we talk about how bizarre Kara looks in the opening?

Seriously, what is going on here? She looks like she’s got a tumor in her left brow bone.

After last week’s eliminations, Bianca is surprisingly calm and rational. I was definitely hoping for a rage-induced meltdown. You’re going to have to step it up quite a bit to win the Bitchy Bald Black Bianca showdown, sweetie. At the house, Rae’s winning picture is displayed, and one of the girls remarks that it’s “clever” that it says “Rae of sunshine.” God, I hope she was being sarcastic. Courtney decides to take off her boot despite her broken foot not being completely healed because she’s “sick of it.” Maybe the reason it keeps breaking is that you’re a dumbass who doesn’t follow doctors’ instructions. That, and that you suck at gymnastics.

After getting some Tyra Mail, the girls head off to Wihelmina Models to meet with Nigel and the president of Wilhelmina, Sean Patterson. Wow, that seems like a pretty big deal. Wilhelmina must really be hurting for free advertising if Sean’s willing to sink to this level. Each of the girls will meet privately with Sean and Nigel to… well, actually, I have no idea what the point of this is other than to bore us and kiss the sponsor’s ass.

Thing 3 (LuLu) is first, and she gushes that she loves fashion and totally wants to be a model — and then admits that she “doesn’t pay attention to photographers.” Haha, has she never seen this show before? Inevitably, Tyra will humiliate one of the girls for not knowing her designers and/or photographers. It’s like the morons who go on Survivor without knowing how to make fire or the idiots who go on Big Brother without knowing how to masturbate without jerking the blankets up and down. Basic research and preparation, people.

Sorry, Nigel, the smoldering stare only works on the hetero girls.

Courtney impresses Sean and Nigel when she walks for them without her boot and in heels. Specifically, Nigel admits that he didn’t think Courtney stood out at judges’ panel, and now she has his attention. Old hag Jennifer tells us that she has an eye condition that has reduced the range of motion in her left eye (cataracts?), and that she hopes it won’t be a problem. Sean and Nigel immediately note that she has a lazy eye, haha. Bug-eyed Rachel announces that she’s done musical theater work, but cannot come up with a single line of a single song to perform when Nigel asks her to sing something. Granted, Rachel shouldn’t have expected to have to sing for Nigel and Sean, but she needs to learn how to avoid anything that makes her make this face:

From the new musical adaptation of “Riding the Bus with My Sister.”

Rachel then walks for them, and that doesn’t go that well, either. Afterwards, Sean tells Nigel that “he got nothing from her.” Ouch. On Bianca’s turn, she tells us that she needs to watch her mouth more, and she does when Sean tells her that the combination of being short and having such a strong, bald look will make it hard to book her. I would think that it would actually help her, since it’ll enable her to stand out amongst all the generic shorter models, but I don’t know dick about modeling. What I do know about is cookie dough. Nom nom nom.

The interviews are complete, and Sean and Nigel come back out to speak with all the girls — and announce that someone’s going home right now based on the interview! Wow, that’s pretty cutthroat for this show. From what they showed us, it’s gotta be Rachel. Annnnnd… it is! Everyone’s shocked, waiting for the punch line, but it never comes. Bug-eyed girl is out! Jennifer doesn’t waste any time in announcing that she never really connected with Rachel, which might be because Rachel couldn’t figure out which eye to look at when talking to Jennifer.

The girls get more Tyra mail, and head out for their challenge the next morning. Waiting for them is a “photographer” that I immediately identify as an actor because Mr. Jay isn’t there to prattle on about his credentials. However, the girls are not that bright, even when the overacting reaches such groan-worthy levels of him shouting that he’d rather chew glass than take their pictures. He whiningly asks if there’s anyone who can take a perfect picture on the first shot, and that, of course, is Tyra’s cue. UGH. Surprisingly, there isn’t as much as the normal shrieking, probably because Tyra’s sketch is even worse than usual. Seriously, when even your fan club is making faces like this, it’s time to give it a rest, T.

“What the…Definitely should have signed up for the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency instead…”

He insults the girls as being short, she gets “angry’ and turns into some absurd superhero. I know Tyra’s caught shit lately about her weight, and she has dropped back down and looks good. Still, spandex is not her friend. Anyway, the whole point of this — other than another gigantic ego masturbation for Tyra — is to teach the girls how to smile with their eyes. Or, “smeyes” as she now calls it. Yep, she’s created a whole new word. First “Ty-overs” and now “smeyes.” If by cycle 18, they’re dubbing the girls, by cycle 23 the only word spoken will be include some form of “Tyra.” God. I want to Ty-kill Ty-self.

So Tyra tutors each one of the girls on smeyesing. Honestly, it always just looks like squinting to me. But whatever, it’s Tyra’s thing, so even if it looks ridiculous, she’s going to love any girl that does it and hate any girl that does not. After the tutoring, she sticks them in even less-flattering spandex outfits than she was wearing and takes them to her cheesy castle setup for the competition. This is so fucking painful. The winners of the competition get a private dinner with Sean from Wilhilmena, which is a pretty decent prize. Better than the fug jewelry they typically get.

So the girls face off on smeyesing, with Tyra as their only judge. Courtney beats albino Erin, Thing 3 out-squints Rae, Laura wins over Sundai, man-faced Kara takes out Bloody Eye Nicole (BEN), lantern-jawed Brittany beats Ashley, and Bianca had no problem winning over Jennifer’s wonky eye. Anyone care? No? Moving on.

Camel toe FAIL for Bianca.

The girls leave the “castle” and find out that they each have an outfit waiting for them. The winners get dresses to wear on their date with Sean. The losers get what look like waitress uniforms. So much for a private dinner, with the losers hovering at your elbow and spitting in your soup.

The losers head to the kitchen to wash the cleanest dishes ever. It seriously looks like a production assistant squirted a few bowls and stacks of plates with ketchup and went outside for a smoke. Meanwhile, the winners get to quiz Sean on the success of petite models and what he looks for in a new girl. It’s uneventful, and the girls are soon back at the house and receiving new Tyra mail for the photo shoot. It hints that the photo shoot will be them reenacting careers that are usually best-suited for shorter people. I would love to seem them be Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. We then see Bianca and Jennifer get into it over some dishes, which suggests to me that at least one of them will be in the bottom two.

The next morning, the girls arrive at a race track for their photo shoot. Oh yes, they’re going to be jockeys. Somehow I don’t think the is the best photo to include in your portfolio when you’re already going to be judged as too short. Way to be a pal, Tyra. But here’s the catch — not only do they have to pose on a live horse — they have to do it topless. So you get to emphasize your shortness AND invoke thoughts of bestiality. Yep, this will do each of their careers wonders.

Rae’s up first, and she does well if you’re going for soft-core porn. Honestly, someone tell me how this is fashion. What is she modeling? Underwear? Hats? Right now she just looks like she’s shooting the cover for “Seabisclit: The Dirrty Story of the Horse Who Knew How to Pump His Stuff.”

Jennifer’s next, and Jay immediately tells her that the wonky eye is making her look a bit drunk. Okay, the next time I make that face while out at the bars, I’m claiming I have ptosis too. Sounds a bit classier than “I like to drink myself retarded so I don’t have to think about how I’m becoming an old cat lady.” I love how the eye is a huge fucking catastrophe this week, and was literally not even mentioned in the 2 hour premiere last week. Jen begins the shoot, and the horse is NOT having it. Let’s blame wonk-eye for that too, shall we?

“What the– why do I get stuck with the girl with the lazy eye? Someone call my agent!”

Lantern-jawed Brittany, who’s one of my definite favorites thus far, nails it and appears to take some especially lovely pictures alone atop the horse. BEN’s shoot starts off rough, but I think she got some good ones at the end. Jay doesn’t like Ashley’s stiff, smutty poses, but he gushes over albino Erin’s relaxed poses. Laura, our cattle-castrator farm girl, absolutely loves the concept of the shoot since she’s a horse freak, natch, and she is a huge fan of nudity. Okay then. Something tells me we’ll be seeing in in Playboy soon, since the Hef seems to be asking just about everyone these days.

Thing 3′s shoot is mediocre due to shitty posing, and likely because she doesn’t get around too many horses in Brooklyn. I sure as hell don’t here in Chicago. In fact, the closest I get is when I have to step around the steaming piles of shit the police horses leave on the streets. Those assholes can go to the glue factory for all I care. Courtney comes out next, and she’s all pissed off that Jay makes her wear her boot for the standing portion of the shoot. I know this girl’s got some fans out there, but I don’t like her look or her attitude, sorry. The shoot does not go well because Courtney is unable to stop making bitch face at the camera.

Bianca comes out, and she hates the blond wig they’ve stuck on her. Haha, of course she does! Now, I’m not going to disagree with her — this shit looks like they dug it out of Britney Spears’ luggage and then stomped on it a few extra times for extra measure. But still. Come on. Bianca wisely keeps her mouth shut this time, but her displeasure is apparent in her hard facial expressions, just as was Courtney’s. In fact, her expressions are so hard that Jay says that Isis, the transgender chick, was more feminine than Bianca. Ouch, it’s pretty rough when someone who has to tuck it back beats you on girliness. But I totally agree with Jay. Bianca looks like an Atlantic City RuPaul impersonator.

Seriously, which would would you expect to end up more like “The Crying Game”?

The final two, Kara and Sundai, each do decently, with Jay seeming the happiest with Sundai. However, with so many of the other girls doing shitty, they’re both going to be safe so it doesn’t really matter.

Back at the house, Jennifer knows she’s in the bottom two, and Courtney is still bitching about having to model in her boot. The feet aren’t shown in the photo. Why the fuck does it matter? Bad. Attitude. Seriously. Brittany tries to point out that Courtney is totally playing the victim and refusing to take any responsibility, and shockingly enough, this does not go over well. I don’t know if Brittany should have really said anything, but I agree with her point. Courtney, Jennifer and Bianca will definitely be the bottom three, and I will bet that Jennifer is the one who is eliminated.

Time for panel! After bringing in a legit model last week, we are back to uselessness, this time in the form of Lauren Conrad, formally of The Hills and currently of Extremely Boring and Unqualified. The girls are yet again in flats as some of you pointed out last week, proving to me that Tyra is indeed forcing them to wear flats at panel. Gotta love how Tyra would bitch out any girl in a normal cycle for wearing flats, yet forces the short ones to do so. This is the equivalent of forcing every girl in a plus-size cycle (hahahaha yeah right) to done a fat suit at panel. However, I must admit that Tyra is dressed normally for panel and looks really cute in a simple white blouse and slacks. She makes the girls smeyes before the judging begins, and I crack up when Miss J is like, “Oh Lord, Tyra’s done it again.” When Miss J thinks you’re over the top on your ridiculousness, you need to check yourself.

Kara’s up first. The judges think the picture is okay, but note that she’s not using her body in an interesting way and her expression is rather flat.

“That 11 stands for the number of guys I’ve shown my penis to while riding this thing.”

Ashley’s pic is terrible, as she’s just standing there, staring at the camera blankly. Tyra tells her that she over-posed in every other frame, and the final picture shown to panel is literally the light-test shot before the actual shoot began. In fact, Tyra proves it by showing that the untouched photo had one of the crew members in the background behind the horse. Yikes. Tyra warns Ashley that she’s over thinking things, perhaps because of her dancing background (which she was praised for last week, but if we’re looking for consistency from Tyra, we might as well chug a gallon of Windex right now).

“This is my favorite dance move. I like to call it ‘The Standing Clueless.’”

Jennifer’s body looks gorgeous in her picture, but even LC comes out of her fog and notices that the eyes aren’t even. Jennifer explains the ptosis, but the judges correctly counter that if she wants to model, she needs to figure out how to work around the problem. Also, reverse aging about six years would help too.

Wow, is this horse an asshole. First he acts like a dick when she’s on the ground, and now he mocks her by making wonk eyes of his own.

Thing 3 got a great shot, in which she managed to look innocent and sweet while riding a horse half-naked.

And while masturbating, evidently.

The judges love Brittany’s picture, and so do I. Tyra tries to coin another phrase — modeling H2T, meaning head to toe. She hasn’t let figured out a way to work her own name into it but give her time, give her time.

“Why, hello there. I’m just lounging naturally on a horse, and you?”

Bianca’s picture is not as bad as it could of been, although I think her body looks a bit awkward and the judges think her mouth is stiff and in a “who farted?” expression. Before the picture is shown, she also makes a comment to the judges that she wants to see how the blonde hair looked. It’s not a negative comment at all really, but the editors cut to some reaction shots as if Bianca had thrown a temper tantrum. That will be used against her somehow. Just don’t talk at all, okay?

I think she should be excused for the “who farted” expression given that any wig borrowed from Britney Spears is going to smell like Funyuns, Frappacinos and feces.

Laura is next, and the judges all love the final picture, telling her that it’s sexy and confident, and that she doesn’t even look like herself. Laura seems thrilled with the backhanded compliment.

The come-hither look she gives all the bulls before she rips their balls off. Literally.

Sundai has tried copying Rae’s waiting for the bus ballerina pose from last week, and is not even close. Most importantly, her face is very blah. The jockey is more interesting to look at.

“Who me? I’m just waiting to see what the winning pose is this week so I can copy it next week.”

Rae’s picture is okay and doesn’t seem to invoke too much reaction from the judges at all. I really don’t like the close-up of her face. She looks a bit mentally challenged. Not to mention that she’s giving the jockey some back-door action.

“Stop blocking my shot, bitch. Eat horse mane.”

I hate BEN’s pose in her pictures, but the judges actually like it quite a bit. However, I think BEN’s face looks great and LC says it’s her favorite picture thus far.

“This horse better look mature enough to pose with me.”

The judges gush over Erin’s picture, but I think she just looks creepy again. Don’t get it.

“Can someone please make sure this gets to the ‘Twilight’ casting director? Thanks.”

Courtney is last, and the judges don’t like the picture, telling her she’s just a chick sitting on a horse. LC notes that Courtney looks angry, and Courtney admits it and says that she gave up. Wow, that is definitely NOT something I would say to the judges! Courtney explains that she was pissed about Jay making her leave the boot on, and basically comes off like an idiot when Tyra points out that the horse could have really fucked up her vulnerable foot with a well-placed kick had she not been wearing the boot. Excuses and admitting she gave up? Definite bottom two.

“Remember when I said last week that I never give up? I meant on everything but this.”

During deliberations, it becomes even clearer that Brittany, Laura, Erin and BEN are the top girls this week and Bianca and Courtney are the bottom girls. Jennifer should escape being in the bottom two.

Here we go: Erin is called first, making her the winner! Followed by: Brittany, Laura, BEN, Kara, Jennifer (higher than expected), Sundai, Rae, Thing 3 and Ashley. This leaves Bianca and Courtney in the bottom two, as expected. I hope Courtney goes but I have a feeling it’ll be Bianca. Place your bets now! Tyra tells Bianca that the judges picked up the fact that she didn’t like her blonde wig based on her comment at panel, and that her bad attitude from last week remains. Tyra then tells Courtney that ANTM does not like a girl who gives up. And leaving is… Courtney! YAY! Haha, I guess telling Tyra that she gave up is akin to shitting on her face. Don’t you dare disrespect the fucking PRIVILEGE of Tyra letting you kiss her ass every week!

So what did you think? Were you surprised that Bianca and Courtney were the bottom two? Do you think the right one went home? Is Bianca living on borrowed time? Should Jennifer have been in the bottom and can she learn to master the wonky eye? And is anyone liking Brittany as much as I am?