America’s Next Top Model: The Shit Talking Gets Cut Short

This week on America’s Next Top Model, the girls finally get catty and my friends can take a break from suicide watch as Tyra’s big yapper takes a backseat for once. Instead, we get an impromptu performance from The Supremes.

“Stop! In the naaaaaame of Tyra!”

The girls return to the house after Courtney’s elimination, with Bianca telling us that she knows that she needs to work on her face. Knowing what the problem is and fixing what the problem is are two different things, honey. I can’t even give her credit for self-awareness, as the judges basically told her that she looked like an angry dude two weeks in a row. Meanwhile, Ashley’s upset that her dancing training might be a hinderance to her posing. I think the fact that she looks old and average might be the bigger issue, but that’s just my two cents. Ashley then begins bashing Bianca to LuLu, with Bloody Eye Nicole telling us that Ashley and LuLu do this a lot and that it’s SO below BEN’s standard for mature behavior. She’s got a point, but I feel that BEN’s standard aligns more with the shuffleboard playing, denture wearing sect than it does other teens and 20-somethings.

The girls get Tyra mail, hinting strongly that their challenge will involve runway walking. Sure enough, they arrive the next morning for their lesson to find Miss J and a little kid walking a runway together. Okay, this kid’s name is supposedly Diva (what, was ArrogantTwat too many letters, mom?) and she’s been walking runway since she was four. I don’t know about you, but I was still eating my boogers when I was four. All mocking aside, the kid really CAN walk and it will come in handy when she’s working for tips on the stage at the Heavenly Bodies Gentleman’s Club.

Miss J sends the girls in the back to get changed, while Brittany tells us that she needs to show she can be sexy. What? This is the girl who got yelled at for masturbating with a PixiStick week 1, and who laid down naked on a horse week 2. I think she’s good with the sex appeal. Memory, maybe not so much. They all put on hideous dresses, of which there are only five styles, creating four sets of twins and then The Supremes. Teams, perhaps? Rae walks first, and the dress ages her a couple decades. Miss J criticizes her walk by saying that her arm is too stationary.

Oof. So maybe it’s not the dress…

Jennifer’s wonky eye needs more oomph, Miss J mistakes BEN’s staring down her nose at people for her arching her back too much, Sundai looks bored, LuLu’s stride is too short and serial killer-esque but she refuses to change it (great. idea.), Brittany gives a sexy walk that Miss J likes, VampirErin “walks as if her right leg isn’t hers” (??), Kara (whom I think I’m going to start calling Karl due to her man-face) leads with her chin like an angry ape, Bianca’s is a bit controlled but otherwise good, Ashley’s also a bit controlled and needs more sexiness (Miss J also mentioned Ashley’s dancer training, I’m sensing a future bottom 2 trip for her on that basis). Finally, Laura reinforces her possible dark horse status with a fairly impressive walk.

After everyone gives the runway a try, Miss Jay announces they will be now have to walk at the same time as the girl(s) wearing the same dress. He tells them that they have to match the walking pace of their partner, because models often walk side-by-side with another girl. Hint, hint, challenge! These go smoothly enough, other than Ashley cattily telling us that Brittany’s walk is forgettable and that her proportions are off, making her look shorter than she is. How’s that loser’s edit treating you, Ash?

Back at the house, the melancholy music plays and Bianca sadly tells some of the other girls that she misses Courtney because they were good friends. Really? Since when? Sundai not only shares my disbelief, but she does it one better — by informing Bianca that Courtney used to shit talk her. Hahaha. Bianca’s like one of those girls that gush about how amazing her boyfriend is, when everyone but her knows that Mr. Perfect has been shoving his dick in more cooches than has Bret Michaels’ bald ass. According to Sundai, Courtney was only friends with Bianca because of LuLu (no idea on that logic but okay), and now Bianca’s not only pissed at Courtney, but she’s pissed at LuLu too!

“What’choo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”

By the magic of editing, Ashley and LuLu choose to come into the kitchen where Bianca is right after that, and Ashley immediately tells Bianca to “put her eyebrows down” and to “stop looking at her like that.” Bianca’s a bitch, sure, but Ashley’s just as bad if not worse in my book. Ashley asks if Bianca has a problem, and Bianca says she doesn’t want to talk about it and tells us that she’s really hurt. Meanwhile, Ashley and LuLu play around in the kitchen in the overly fake, giggly way girls do to prove to someone else that they’re not bothered that the third person is pissed off or upset. I mean, come on. There’s no way that Ashley is that excited about lemons (unless they cure wrinkles, then she’d be all about it).

The girls get Tyra mail, informing them that there will be a walking challenge the next morning. Everyone’s nervous, and Brittany practices her walk while Ashley and LuLu watch and harshly criticize her. Hello, your walk was actually pretty good, Brittany. Don’t let these two enemas screw you up! The next morning, they arrive at a Malibu mansion that impresses the girls far more than it impresses me. Sundai thinks it looks like the White House. It DOES look like the White House, and that’s not what I’d want my house to look like unless it was at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Miss J is there, and he announces the girls will be walking in another fake Tyra-organized ANTM fashion show — alongside models who are 5’10″ and taller. Haha. First the flats at panel, then comparing the girls to horse jockeys, and now this? Is she trying to help their careers or kill them even more than being on this show will?

Ann Shoket’s nose shows up, dragging the rest of her along, to announce that the winner of the challenge will get an advertorial in Seventeen Magazine. Wow, you don’t even get to be part of the actual magazine — you get to be the model for the advertising section that everyone flips past in annoyance. YAY!

“All I nose, excuse me, know, for sure is that it’s not an advertorial for rhinoplasty, for I’ve clearly never heard of that.”

As the girls go into hair and makeup, LuLu continues to bitch about Bianca and BEN wonders to us if LuLu’s losing her focus and becoming too distracted by the drama in the house. Karl’s worried that someone will be eliminated after the challenge again like when poor Rachel was stymied by the showtunes request last week. I’d be surprised if they eliminate another model during the challenge. Karl needs to worry less about that and more about five o’clock shadow.

The show begins, and Sundai, the shortest of the girls, is paired with a girl who looks freakishly tall by comparison. However, Ann’s nose notes that Sundai held her own. Everyone else does well, with one exception: Miss J and Ann are not pleased with LuLu. The Schnoz complains that LuLu lacked any energy, while LuLu tells us that she loves her signature walk and still refuses to change. Glad to see how well that’s working out for you, idiot.

After the show, Miss J and Ann give critiques. Predictably, LuLu is told she was boring as shit, and Ashley is yet again criticized for her dancing training interfering with her modeling. Haha. Notice how Jennifer’s eye has not come up once this episode despite it being a fucking CATASTROPHE last week. I guess Tyra only has time to harass and pick on one girl per episode. Anyway, The Schnoz and Miss J pick Brittany as the winner, and she picks Laura and Karl to share the prize. In her excitement, Laura tells us that at 19 years old, she reads Seventeen, and I hope to god she’s lying and just sucking up. I stopped reading Seventeen when I was 16, and stopped reading Cosmo when I was 22. I’m now biding my time until I hit 30 and have to start reading Redbook and Better Homes & Gardens.

Unless that’s “965 Ways to Look Pretty While Castrating a Bull”, I’m not sure why Laura reads this shit.

After we watch Brittany don an awful modified Princess Leia hairdo for her Seventeen prom advertorial, we find ourselves back at the house where BEN is willingly saying more than two words to another girl in the house. She’s in the hottub with Bianca, encouraging Bianca to let down her wall in order for her to photograph more soft for the judges. As Bianca opens up to a sincere-appearing BEN about the abuse in Bianca’s past, Ashley, LuLu and Karl sneeringly watch from indoors, and tell us that Bianca is taking advantage of BEN. What? It’s not like they vote for each other and Bianca’s trying to pull a sympathy card. These girls are not bright. BEN goes inside, and Ashley & Co. immediately gives her attitude, telling her that people can’t change. Okay, Ashley, maybe you’re right but you don’t KNOW Bianca enough to know whether this is Bianca changing or not. Who the fuck do you think you are? BEN, whom I’ve actually started admiring despite her proclamations of maturity, recognizes that Ashleey is just being a Mean Girl and simply tells the girls that they’re being negative and she doesn’t like that atmosphere. Good for her.

They get some more Tyra mail, and they head off for the photo shoot. Mr. Jay is waiting for them and announces they will be posing on a pile of random construction shit and using the set to elongate their bodies. Unless we’re stretching these bitches out on the rack, I’m not sure how this is going to work. Boring. They go to hair and makeup, where LuLu once again is talking shit, this time on Brittany’s walk again. Jealous, much? Shut the fuck up. Brittany’s up first, and LuLu continues to suck at life as she tells us that Brittany was unimpressive during the shoot. Granted, it did not appear to be Brittany’s best shoot, as she kept playing with her dress’ skirt, but LuLu might as well tattoo “awful” on her other tit at this point

Karl pulls some bending-backwards poses from McKey’s playbook and impresses Jay while Laura gets some potentially nice looking shots on a couch (fucking the casting director not included.) But when it’s LuLu’s turn, she fails miserably as she just lounges against parts of the set, looking bored and half-dead. Jay tries to direct her into something decent, but to no avail. At the end, he mock (boo) strangles her, and she whimpers out “that’s what I need!” Annnnd now we know way too much about her sex life. Great.

Jay acts out my fantasy. And perhaps hers, too. Eww.

Jay loves Jennifer’s shoot, telling her that he didn’t notice her wonky eye at all. BEN also does a great job, and unfortunately so does Ashley. Goddammit, I really wanted her in the bottom 2. At least we know LuLu will be there, and will hopefully go home. Nothing weakens a Mean Girl like taking away her lap dog. After Ashley’s shoot, LuLu arrogantly announces to her that Laura, Brittany and Karl didn’t do so well but that both she and Ashley rocked it. Well, she got about 2/5 of those right. Twat.

Sundai is pouting her lips too much, but might have got something decent. Rae, who in my opinion is not one of the strongest girls and lucked into a win in week 1, does some interesting body poses but her face is really blah to me. VampirErin kicks ass, but Bianca still struggles to not look like a hard-faced ho in her shoot. Finally, Jay tells Bianca to think of something that warms her heart, and to imagine it’s right in front of her. She picks Jesus (oy), but Jay’s trick seems to work as he is happy with the softer last few frames. If we’re going to bring Jesus into this, can we get back the girl who tells us He makes her genitals burn?

Back at the house, LuLu shit talks Brittany some MORE, telling Ashley and Karl that Brittany is likely going to be in the bottom two because her shoot was so bad. At the same time, LuLu remains oblivious to the fact that hers was likely worse. Hello, Jay CHOKED you because you were so bad. Ugh, get off my screen. Brittany thinks she’s safe, noting that it would be a bit weird to eliminate the girl who had the winning runway walk. However, it seems like a trip to the bottom two is inevitable for her. If she goes home, I will be really pissed off.

Time for panel! The guest judge this week is Jamie Rishar, a 5’6″ supermodel whose face looks like it’s seen better days. She tries to smile and gives the girls a Botox grimace instead. Tyra ignores the gold applique’ that only a grandmother would wear on her shoulder and explains the purpose of the shoot was to prove to bookers that the girls can appear tall if necessary. Really? I thought it was to bore the crap out of me.

VampirErin’s up first, and the judges love it and say that her legs look long and elegant. It is a great shot, and with her eyes looking off camera, she appears much less likely to tear me from limb to limb.

“Who me? Or the other girl wearing hideous blue shoes?”

The judges think that Bianca’s pose isn’t the most elongating, but they love the soft look on her face. Ironically, at least from what we saw, this “soft face” is NOT from when Jay told her to think of Jesus, meaning she conjured it up all on her own. She’s safe this week.

“C’mere Jesus, and give me those burning loins that crazy bitch was talking about.”

Brittany’s picture is awful, it really is. She’s bending her legs and her arms, making them look shorter. She also appears to be hunching forward and looks pale as hell. It’s Quasi-modo modeling a dress.

“How can I make this picture AWFUL? Let’s try awkwardly and pointlessly lifting up my skirt. Oh yes, that worked quite well.”

They love Sundai’s picture, praising her for making her 5’3″ frame look much longer. However, they scold her on her outfit and attitude at panel. Approaching the judges looking like you’re going to be beaten is not inspiring, sweetie. I do have to give her credit for coming up with her own pose this week instead of merely copying the week before’s winning pose. Maybe she just got confused by the lack of horse.

“Y-M- who’s with me?!”

I LOVE the dress that Laura is modeling in her photo, but I agree with the judges that the pose makes her look shorter than she is. Her legs look stumpy.

“Oh hello there. I’m just taking a break from a long day of playing with bull dicks. By chance, have you seen my copy of Seventeen lying around?”

Jennifer’s picture is gorgeous, and she definitely looks tall. Tyra pauses to take credit for Jennifer’s eye not being a problem this week. I think Jennifer should be more thankful to LuLu and Ashley for taking up time with their bitch storylines than to Tyra, but this is all about T so let’s credit her for solving eyegate, shall we?

“Ugh! I’m so sick of hearing about my eye being a problem. When is Tyra going to start telling me I’m too old instead?”

BEN looks like a giant in her picture, and even the judges seem puzzled by how tall she looks. It’s like a fun house mirror.

“It’s easy to look tall when one’s maturity puts one above everyone else.”

LuLu is told that her picture is pretty but she looks more like an actress posing than a model. Jamie Rishar gives her a good tip that pointing her knee at the camera immediately shortens the legs, and Tyra tells LuLu that her face needs more oomph.

“This is my signature bored-as-fuck pose and I’m not going to change it no matter what anyone says because I’m brilliant like that.”

The judges love Karl’s McKey pose, even though I think her shoulder/boob area looks a bit icky.

“I can’t see — is that a rope hanging down between my legs or is that my penis? Anyone? Little help here?”

Rae’s picture is okay, but the judges dislike her lying-down pose, similar to how they disliked Laura’s. Honestly, I think it’s a bit unfair that these girls are directed into lying down by the photog or Mr. Jay, then Tyra picks a lying down picture, and then the girls get criticized for lying down. Ugh, LoLo, stop trying to be logical while watching this show!

“I wonder what my kid is doi– HAH! Just kidding!”

Finally, Ashley’s picture is shown to the judges. They think her body does look a bit longer, but that her face is blah. I agree. Her top eye looks droopy, and she just looks unhappy. I think she’ll be safe though.

Ashley’s motto: When in doubt, spread your legs.

The judges deliberate, and emphasize that Erin, BEN and Karl are the best and that Brittany, LuLu and Ashley are the worst. Time for the results! Tyra calls Karl first as the winner this week for blatantly copying McKey. Good for you, darling. The rest of the order is: BEN, Erin, Sundai, Jennifer, Bianca, Laura, Ashley and Rae, leaving LuLu and Brittany in the bottom two. Shocker! God, I hope LuLu goes. Tyra tells LuLu that she’s flat in all of her pictures and tells Brittany that she looked ridiculously short in her picture this week. That “all” versus “this week” distinction should be enough to save Brittany, right? And leaving is… LuLu! Whew, thank God. Hopefully Ashley becomes more tolerable without LuLu sitting there, licking her hand.

So what did you think? Are you glad LuLu’s gone? Do you think Brittany just had a bad week or is she not a contender in your eyes? Who’s the bigger bitch — Ashley or Bianca? And are you starting to warm up to BEN, in all her weird glory, like I am? I look forward to hearing what you think, and love reading your comments, guys!