America’s Next Top Model: Wrap Your Head Around That

This week on America’s Next Top Model, we have to suffer through the CoverGirl makeup challenge (where unfortunately no one comes out looking like a clown whore), as well as through Tyra’s annual delusion that she’s a legitimate photographer.

I really would prefer her to spend the rest of the cycle this way…

We open up with Karl telling us that she loves having her winning picture from last week displayed in the house because it “reminds her how awesome she is.’” Ugh. She points out to the other girls that her boob is hanging out in the shot, probably to distract them from searching for a bulge in her crotch. Meanwhile, Brittany is reeling from landing in the bottom two, and VampirEin is relishing “how the mighty have fallen.” I can’t wait for her cocky albino ass to experience it herself. She’s taken some nice pictures but I can’t get behind the girl so far. After Asshatley reminisces over the loss of LuLu and Bianca tells everyone how relieved she is that Jesus gave her a softer shot, the girls get Tyra Mail and we’re off to this week’s lesson.

They arrive in a warehouse, where makeup artist Sam Fine is waiting to teach them how to apply their own makeup quickly and effectively. He shockingly does not once mention the name of a CoverGirl product, and actually gives them useful tips. Laura gushes about the experience, raping the English language a bit in her excitement. One by one, the girls attempt to do their makeup, with VampirErin nearly blinding herself with a mascara wand and Bianca dumping an entire jar of bronzer on her bald head. However, we don’t really get to see or hear about the results, for the girls are rushed off to their challenge. At Walmart.

Now the girls are surprised to arrive at Walmart when it’s so late and dark out. Come on. I don’t think the average Walmart customer is known for athleticism and agility. Probably took those poor bastards a few hours to clear the store and waddle out to the parking lot, their pints of ice cream and bags of pork rinds in hand. Nigel is there with his wife Chrissy, whom I have never found that attractive, to announce that this is the CoverGirl makeup challenge. I zone out during the commercial Chrissy spews, but basically the challenge is that the girls have to run through four departments of Walmart and put together an appropriate go-see outfit, complete with subtle, flattering makeup. The twist is that it’s a game of musical chairs — there are more girls than there are items in the departments, so several girls will be eliminated at each department throughout the challenge. On top of that, only the first three girls to cross the finish line, having successfully visited all four departments, will be judged by Nigel and Chrissy. The winner gets her photo on Walmart’s CoverGirl website page, and a $1,000 Walmart gift card.

Way to really test their judgment, Tyra. I’d love to see these dumb bitches walk into any normal store and be like, “Yes, where’s your Model Basics department?”

The first department is clothing, and there are only 8 sets of clothing but 10 girls. Hence, Laura and Karl are eliminated immediately. The second department is shoes (flats, natch, because that’s what a SHORT model would wear to a GO-SEE). VampirErin adds to my dislike for her as she grabs Sundai’s arm and yanks on it to hold her back, and then shoves Asshatley out of her way (okay, I might have enjoyed that part). Bitch moves or not, they work, for VampirErin gets some shoes and BEN and wonky-eyed Jennifer are eliminated. Department three is the makeup station, and Rae and Brittany are eliminated when they crash into the CoverGirl display last. The remaining girls slap on the cheapass shit and race for the fourth and final station — a photo pickup booth. Problem is, they can’t find the booth and run past it multiple times in panic. Haha, people running past things in plain sight always amuses me. One of my favorite Amazing Race moments in when teams are like, WHERE IS THE CLUEBOX?! as the camera guy zooms in on it right behind them. VampirErin finally sees the booth first, grabs the majority of the photos and holds them hostage while she searches for her own. Once she finds it, she flings the remainder — including Asshatley’s — into the air before running off. Only by tormenting Asshatley will VampirErin earn points with me. Well played.

So VampirErin, Sundai and Bianca complete the race, leaving them as the three finalists for Nigel and Chrissy to choose between. After a bit of poor sportsmanship from Asshatley, Nigel and Chrissy declare Sundai as the winner due to her “glowing” cheeks. Never mind that that’s probably sweat. They return to the house, where Asshatley continues to complain (somewhat justifiably) about VampirErin playing dirty during the challenge. Eh, get over it. Like you wouldn’t have grabbed all the pictures too had you seen the booth first.

They get some Tyra Mail and head out the next morning. In the limo, Asshatley and some other girls are STILL whining about injuries they received during the challenge. It finally gets to the point that VampirErin starts crying because everyone’s so mean. Okay, listen up honey. Play dirty and own it or don’t play dirty at all. You can’t act like a bitch and also a victim at the same time. I have no respect for girls that try to get away with that shit. Bianca tells VampirErin that she should just apologize for playing dirty, and VampirErin unwisely decides to defend herself by saying she didn’t push people — she pushed through people. Oh, I see, that’s totally diff– no wait, that’s the SAME EXACT FUCKING THING. VampirErin finally chokes out an apology that she correctly notes sounds insincere because she was forced to give it, while telling us that she’s not going to change the way she plays. Glad you took away absolutely nothing from this.

Bianca tries to ease the tension by practicing her new soft look for photo shoots.

Arriving at a photography studio, the girls are amused to find a person wrapped up in cloth from head to toe, covering her face completely. It’s over-the-top, vastly annoying and completely ridiculous, so I know immediately Tyra is under there. Bitch looks mummified. We could only wish. The girls unwrap her, and Tyra announces she will be masturbating her ego by playing photographer. The concept of the shoot is beauty shots with each of the girls wearing some sort of headscarf/turban deal on her head. However, Tyra announces something I’m pretty sure that she’s never done before — she will determine which girl has the best shot immediately after the shoot, and award that girl an immunity of sorts from panel deliberations. Unless they’re doing a second photo shoot this episode, it’s not a big deal — the girl with the best picture just knows that she’s safe ahead of time instead of having to wait for panel. Still, it’s something different so I’m down for it.

Laura is up first, and asks how much of her body is seen in the frame. Since she was told “beauty shot”, the correct answer should be about shoulders and up, but Tyra can’t resist the opportunity to try to work in that H2T (head to toe) phrase of hers into common vernacular, so Tyra warns Laura to model with her entire body. The shoot begins, and Tyra and Jay note that Laura’s bottom lip is very full and she lets it droop like Bubba in Forrest Gump. However, Tyra turns on a wind machine and instantly proclaims a huge improvement. What that has to do with a fat lip I have no idea, but Tyra doesn’t live in the real world where things have to make sense.

Sundai is next, and once Tyra instructs Sundai to part her lips, Tyra seems very happy with the results. During Jennifer’s turn, Tyra remarks that Jennifer looks like she’s sexually aroused, what with her wiggling and facial expressions. Jennifer then decides to fake scream, and she looked a lot better about to orgasm than she does about to be murdered. I can’t tell how she did, but I didn’t see anything in there I liked.

Jennifer’s signature “taking-it-in-the-ass-without-lube” look.

Tyra ordered that Brittany’s scarf wouldn’t be around her head — it’d actually be over her face due to its transparency. I know I’m going to drive myself insane trying to rationalize anything Tyra does, but isn’t it a TOUCH illogical for Brittany to cover her face for a shot that’s all about the client evaluating her face? It makes about the same amount of sense as her showing up for a hand modeling go-see with freshly applied henna tattoos. Anyway, the shoot does seem to go amazingly once you get past the flawed concept, and Jay gushes that it’s Brittany’s best shoot to date. Just hope that if you make it to the international stage of the competition, it’s not in the Middle East for this picture may be mildly offensive.

Bianca comes out looking pissy already, but declares that thinking of Jesus will help her again with this shoot. Although judging by how angry she continues to look, I suspect she might be thinking about WizeChiklet calling Mary Magdalene a slutty whore. I could do without these Jesus references, but at least Bianca hasn’t become the deluded contestant who thinks Jesus is interested in helping her win a reality show. Those people need to be bitch slapped with a Bible. Her shoot doesn’t seem to go that well, as Tyra has to frequently order Bianca to soften up and not give her dead eyes.

Look who loves her styling for this photo shoot!

For Rae’s turn, Tyra instructs her to think about her daughter, and after being puzzled for a few minutes, Rae finally figures out whom Tyra is referring to and delivers what Tyra thinks is a great picture. Like that first ballerina picture, it’s sweet and angelic and I wonder if she’s a one-trick pony. I find her boring. Karl is not nearly as successful, and just stands there and makes a smirky expression while Tyra tries to get her to do something even remotely interesting. Big FAIL on that one.

Tyra loves working with VampirErin, who looks a lot better than normal with her ugly white hair completely covered by a large maroon turban. Tyra tells us that VampirErin knows how to use her body and her face to be a great model, but doesn’t know how to not suck at life in the personality department. With you as her current role model, Tyra, don’t count on VampirErin changing any time soon.

BEN does decently, but Tyra says she holds her hands awkwardly in gnarled positions. Asshatley comes out and Tyra gushes to us that TYRA discovered Asshatley on the set of her talk show. Umm, wait a second, didn’t a hair stylist or something from your show discover her, and you merely agreed she had potential, Tyra? Way to reinvent history. Who are you, Dan Brown? So the shoot begins, and Tyra decides that Asshatley’s headscarf is too loose, and she orders a tighter one. Then, Tyra still doesn’t like the way Asshatley is photographing, and starts to wonder if it’s the scarves or if it’s Asshatley. Definitely the latter. They finally decide to take off the headscarf entirely, and drape Asshatley with fabric like they did Brittany. However, unlike with Brittany, I think Tyra is doing Asshatley a favor in the beauty shot department with this decision.

“And THEN this orange fell on my head and I discovered gravity! But I needed to be able to see my work, so I flew a kite and — BAM — I invented the light bulb!”

With the photo shoot completed, it’s time for Tyra and Jay to announce the winner. Unsurprisingly, it’s Brittany! Way to bounce back from the bottom two! Tyra also reveals that Brittany will get to do a photo shoot with two cute male models for Tyra’s own website, and it will take place right now. So Brittany does the shoot while the other girls stand around, turning green with envy — especially VampirErin of course. I have to cut the girl some slack since she’s only 18, but I hope she sees how ugly she’s been acting when she watches these episodes.

Back at the house, Brittany bizarrely lets herself appear on camera with her hair coated in some sort of leave-in-conditioner goo and reads the Tyra Mail that someone will be eliminated. Bianca is confident she will be in the top group (meaning it will probably be the opposite), but Asshatley is wisely worried that she’ll be in the bottom after having so many difficulties and costume changes during her shoot. Here’s hoping.

Time for panel! The guest judge is China Chow, another evidently legitimate short model. For some reason, I find her name hilarious and keep repeating it quickly and giggling. Chinachow! Chinachow! Hmm, I think my vodka-Sprite (heavy on the vodka, easy on the Sprite) is running low. BRB.

Okay. Much better. Brittany is called first, and is openly praised for her winning photo. No need to build any suspense here. It’s amazing how much more the judges like the same pose she did last week with a scarf over her head instead.

“I think Blanket Jackson might be on to something here…”

VampirErin is next. The judges love the picture, but Tyra warns her that she needs to show more personality to her photographer on set in order to book future jobs with that same photog. Be careful what you wish for, T. That personality is a stinker.

“This turban is a nifty hiding spot for the eyeballs of my victims. I consider them trophies.”

The judges somewhat dislike Karl’s picture, telling her that she looked dead in the eyes and like she wasn’t present. I am surprised they don’t comment on the utterly hideous chain belt she’s wearing, but perhaps they were just focusing on the task at hand. I also never noticed what a big nose she has.

“My erect headscarf is a metaphor for something else, baby.”

Speaking of fug, Asshatley appears before the judges wearing a very ill-advised plaid vest over a green tank top. They order her to remove it, proving the judges aren’t completely blind tonight. As for her picture, they totally hate it. Miss J says Asshatley wasn’t smiling with her eyes (will. not. use. that. fake. word.), and Nigel states that she simply didn’t deliver. Asshatley tries to blame it on her confusion with the various wardrobe changes, and Tyra bluntly explains that she made Asshatley change outfits so many times because Asshatley just wasn’t selling it. Okay, what Tyra really said was a groan-inducing “you fell short” but I am trying to keep the anger in check tonight, folks.

What I imagine running through a Smurf looks like.

Okay remember that weird farm girl hooker outfit Laura showed us in the premiere and told us her grandma made? Oh God, the poor thing is actually wearing it tonight. I don’t know if she’s trying to arouse the bulls so it’s easier to castrate them or what, but she looks ridic. They judges lightly tease her and Grandma Wanda Sue (of course that’s her name!), then turn to the picture, which they love. As I expected, Tyra credits the great shot to her decision to turn on the wind machine and exclaims that Laura needs wind in order to take a great picture. This, of course, ignores the fact that Laura has taken several lovely non-wind pictures but I would probably be more successful teaching my cat to speak Chinese than I would be to develop consistency in this show.

“Grandma Wanda Sue would totally approve of this outfit, y’all.”

Bianca gets the normal tough-face critique, with Chinachow specifically pointing out that Bianca looked strained in the eye area.

“Must. Look. Soft. GRRRRRRRR.”

The judges also heap praise on Rae, stating that she looks both strong and vulnerable at the same time. Hear that, Bianca? I am unimpressed. And a little frightened. She looks like one of the precogs from “Minority Report.”

“LoLo will set Tyra Banks on fire in approximately 48 hours.”

I personally LOVE BEN’s shot. One of my favorites of the whole competition so far, actually. Happily, the judges agree with me.

“Note the way I’m maturely sticking my hand on my hip and between my legs.”

Sundai’s picture makes her look a lot older and sexier than she is, but in a good way. It is one of the few true beauty shots in the bunch.

“My photo is on the Walmart website. DO ME.”

Jennifer’s up last, and the judges seem to really like the picture. Me, I kinda hate it. Miss J gushes that Jennifer’s got wind in the face, hair, everything, and I think that’s the problem. She looks like the victim of a truly terrible face lift.

“OY! Why did I go to Tara Reid’s plastic surgeon for this face lift?!”

Time for deliberations, which are pretty useless as usual, confirming what we just saw during critiques. Karl, Asshatley and Bianca are the worst and pretty much everyone else was great. I’m guessing Karl will just eek out of the bottom 2, and I hope that Asshatley goes home. However, this will probably be three strikes for Bianca. Let’s find out, shall we? Tyra asks Brittany to take her spot in the called area, and then begins handing out pictures. The order is: Jennifer, Rae, BEN, VampirErin, Laura, Sundai and Karl. This leaves Bianca and Asshatley in the bottom two.

Tyra tells Bianca that she’s in the bottom two for her hard expressions during photo shoots, and correctly notes that Bianca looks soft and pretty right now at panel but can’t pull that off when she needs to in front of a camera. Turning to Asshatley, Tyra states that Asshatley was the most difficult girl to shoot (nah, she wouldn’t be for me…) and that Tyra suspects Asshatley wouldn’t have been able to continue with the shoot had Tyra revealed to her during the shoot the reason why Tyra was calling for all the wardrobe changes. So who goes? Bianca, unfortunately, leaving us with Asshatley for at least another week.

Do you think the right girl went home? Are you disliking VampirErin as much as I am? Was it fair for her to play dirty during the challenge, or was she out of line? Whose pictures did you love and whose did you hate? Can’t wait to hear from you guys! And WizeChiklet, I was just teasing you