America’s Next Top Model: Not Everyone Enjoys a Threesome

This week on America’s Next Top Model, the girls head off to Vegas where a fan favorite slips up a bit, and a dumb bitch thankfully goes home instead.

“HAHA, BEN, you’ve got to be kidding me! For the last time, I do not have any weed!”

We begin the episode with Asshatley telling us how difficult it was to be in the bottom two — and especially hearing Tyra telling her that she was the most difficult to shoot. Well, try not sucking next time, sweetheart. Back at the house, the girls tease BEN about talking like a stoner at panel. Hello, that’s how super mature people talk. BEN tells us that she can’t put any inflection into her voice, and seems a bit worried that it may become a problem. Yeah, I’m thinking that CoverGirl commercial isn’t going to go too well for her. By the time the 30 seconds are up, she won’t be through the first line.

Speaking of BEN, Karl is bitching to WonkEye Jennifer about the definite possibility of either BEN or VampirErin winning the cycle. Karl doesn’t want people to remember her as “the girl who was on VampirErin or BEN’s season.” Karl, if you think anyone’s going to remember your dumb ass, you’re deluding yourself. Unless you want to keep behaving like a total bitch. Then you might be worthy of our memories. It certainly won’t be due to your modeling skills.

The girls pile into their limo to head off for their lesson. Tyra Mail works in that dreaded s-word again, and suggests that the girls will be focusing on body poses. They arrive at a dance studio and find Benny Ninja, wearing a kilt as a poncho, and waiting for them to teach them about dancing. Karl is worried, but Asshatley is ecstatic since she’s a dancer. I can only hope that Tyra uses that against her once and for all this week and eliminates her. BEN also seems a bit nervous, and tells us that she doesn’t dance — toking up under the bleachers is way more mature than going to prom.

Benny announces that he has someone to help them, and introduces Lil Mama. I don’t know much about this chick other than she’s the poor man’s Lil Kim and she is a judge on ABDC. Evidently she’s a successful rapper as well. I’m sure her stuff’s swell. Lil Mama asks each girl to come up and demonstrate an emotion with her body. Sundai is first and is asked to show “sad.”

This doesn’t look said, it IS sad. Maybe she misunderstood…

After BEN also fails miserably, Lil Mama calls in the JabbaWockeeZ dance crew to perform. I’ve actually seen these guys live — they opened up for New Kids on the Block this summer — and they’re pretty good at what they do. Still, I’m not watching ABDC so get off my screen, assholes. They more mime than dance the emotions of happy, sad, and angry, and Lil Mama and Benny announce that the girls will be split into groups of three and performing those same emotions tonight in a competition. The winners get $17,000 in jewelry. Not bad, but could I have that amount in a check instead, please?

The teams of WonkEye/Karl/Rae, Laura/Brittany/Sundai, and VampirErin/Asshatley/BEN are given one hour to choreograph a “dance.” LBS looks awkward and unsure, whereas WKR is jumping around, giggling and flailing. Good thing BEN’s not on that team — she would have an aneurysm with all that flagrant immaturity. Meanwhile, Asshatley immediately takes control of VAB, deciding that they should do salsa dancing, and groaning bitterly over the lack of coordination she sees in the other girls. Maybe it’s because you’re arrogantly trying to teach them complicated dance steps in under an hour? BEN admits to us that she has a hard time remembering things and hopes that she won’t “black out” during the performance. Okay, maybe this girl really IS a pothead. Either that, or a raging alcoholic like myself.

Time for the competition. JabbaWockeeZ goes first, and they are underwhelming again. Okay, let’s get to it. The girls are all wearing the creepy serial-killer JabbaWockeeZ masks, and are called one by one to perform. There’s not much I can say about these performances, since they are all basically the same thing. There are cartwheels and jumping for happy, swooning and face-palming for sad, and stomping and mock-fighting for angry. A five year old would plan these routines with the same level of sophistication. Given that I assume most of these girls are intellectually on the same level of a five year old, I don’t think they’re really that bad, but Lil Mama has an amusingly horrified look on her face throughout.

That is, when she wasn’t picking her nose.

Afterwards, Benny gives the girls critiques. Do you really care what he said? I hope not, because I’m not going to recap him discussing the merits of cartwheels versus double dutch to show “happy.” I’ve got better things to do, like counting the number of Andy Rooney’s facial features that gross me out as I wait for The Amazing Race to start (for the record: five, awarding two points for his mouth. What the FUCK is that fleshy nubbin hanging off of his top lip???). Anyway, WonkEye, Karl and Rae win! Everyone else is pissed, especially Asshatley, who was told her dance was “confusing.” I love how this show is shitting on both her modeling and her dancing career right now.

Back at the house, Asshatley continues doing the ONLY thing she does well — bitching and moaning. She tells the girls — with BEN and VampirErin sitting mere inches away — that her group’s dance had the most dance technique, and if she had been allowed to perform alone, she would have totally won. Every time I don’t think I could dislike the girl more, she opens up her mouth and lets out a whole new bunch of dumb. Unfortunately, BEN and VampirErin don’t put this bitch in her place and point out that Asshatley choreographed the whole “confusing” routine, so it would have been just as bad without them. BEN’s probably too mature for it, and I just gotta hope that VampirErin’s planning to push Asshatley down some stairs later and take care of things her way. Meanwhile, Karl is busy chatting with WonkEye and telling us that she doesn’t socialize with any of the other girls because they’re not her kind of people. I can understand her friendship with WonkEye — if I had a penis, I’d want to hang out with the only other girl with a deformity in the house.

The next morning, at 4:30 a.m., the lights turn on and the girls hear Mr. Jay’s voice urging them to wake up. Fortunately for the camera guys, and unfortunately for her roommates, Laura sleeps in the buff and has to wrap herself up in a blanket before she can pad out to the living room and see what’s going on. It’s Mr. Jay on their TV screen, ordering them to pack a bag, get their asses on a plane, and join him in Sin City! Ooh, this photo shoot might actually be interesting, unlike the last couple of ones. And whomever gets eliminated tonight may be able to use her photo to get started in a new business!

Place your bets now, everyone: Which girl will eventually wind up with her own Las Vegas hooker trading card?

Upon arriving in Vegas, the girls go to the Mystère auditorium in the Treasure Island casino. Waiting for them is Mr. Jay, in complete Cirque de Soleil costume, hair and makeup. See the difference between Mr. Jay and Tyra is that he can actually pull this shit off. Instead of screeching and melodramatically flapping around the stage like a deranged ostrich, he calmly and pleasantly tells the girls that their photo shoot will take place in the world of Mystère. Frankly, I’m surprised Tyra didn’t want to make this announcement herself. So much potential for her ego. Can’t say I’m disappointed, though. I’m still recovering from her “acting” gig on Gossip Girl last week. She made Hilary Duff look good, she was so bad.

After hair and makeup that makes everyone look like an electrocuted heroin addict, Mr. Jay brings the girls out to show them that they will be posing with in groups of three with a few Cirque de Soleil acrobat chicks. This immediately worries BEN, who is being edited for a trip to the bottom two, because she’s not sure if she can pull off posing with other girls. We’ll just have to see what happens.

WonkEye, Rae and Brittany (who looks more than ever in need of a sandwich in this outfit) are up first. Mr. Jay loves Rae and Brittany, but constantly criticizes WonkEye for failing to elongate her body or use anything else she’s ever learned in the shoot. Sundai, VampirErin and BEN are next, and we see the same thing again — two girls do great, and one falls a little flat. Unsurprisingly from the edit, it’s BEN who struggles. However, it’s not the disaster it appeared that WonkEye had, so maybe she’ll eek out of the bottom two. The third and final group is Laura, Karl and Asshatley. Laura nails it, but the other two don’t. Jay criticizes Asshatley for awkward poses that make her look short, but seems almost bored and disinterested in even helping Karl. Haha. That matches my attitude exactly. As suddenly as it started, the photo shoot is over and the girls are back in LA! BEN and Karl both seem to realize that their shoots didn’t go fabulously, but neither thinks that she is in the bottom two. I’m hoping to see Karl and Asshatley down there, but there’s a chance BEN could take one of those slots. Despite a shitty shoot, I think WonkEye is safe because she hasn’t been given enough camera time this episode.

Time for panel! The guest judge is Josie Maran, another successful short model, but in the Victoria’s Secret/Sports Illustrated Swimsuit vein rather than high-end fashion. Still, it’s nothing to sneeze at, as these girls will be praying to book a Sears catalogue after this show.

Up first is Brittany, Rae and WonkEye. The judges think Brittany looks creepy in a wonderful way, and gush over Rae’s picture, telling her that she’s the stand-out of the three. I have to give her credit for taking a decent picture that’s not another woodland-nympth ethereal look. However, when they turn to WonkEye, Tyra loads on the criticism. Almost cruelly, as Tyra tells WonkEye all the things she did wrong, we see examples of WonkEye sucking ass — eyes closed, hair covering the face, staring behind her like she’s looking for the craft services table. Ouch.

Brittany: I can’t quite see — are ALL my vertebrae sticking out, or just the first four or five?

WonkEye: Sigh. Brittany, they’re all ALWAYS sticking out. You nearly punctured my lung when you backed into me last night.

Rae: Guys, you need to look fierce. Try to think about something that makes you angry. Like, when I found out I was pregnant with that kid.

Next is Laura, Asshatley and Karl. Laura looks super sexy in her picture, and Josie even goes as far as saying that she looks like she’s climaxing. Hello, family hour! Asshatley, on the other hand, looks awful. She’s just lounging around up there, perhaps waiting for WonkEye to bring her back a Diet Coke from the craft services table that WonkEye was searching for. Tyra announces that she is the worst of the three. That being said, Karl isn’t much better, with Nigel noting that she looks a little scared as she just stands there and stares at the camera. I don’t know if I’d agree with scared, but she definitely looks vacant and clueless, just like she did last week.

Laura: Y’all, the shoot started! Guys! Hello? Y’all need to friggin’ pose!

Asshatley & Karl: … <YAWN> …

Laura: Y’all are worse than Grandma Wanda Sue when her hernia starts acting up!

The final group is VampirErin, BEN and Sundai. The judges think VampirErin’s picture is okay but not incredible. I don’t like the way her face is half in shadows from one of the acrobats. BEN turned out a decent picture and gets a similar critique, although Tyra admonishes her for producing mediocre film overall. In this trio, Sundai is named the strongest, and Tyra gushes that there were much stronger pictures of Sundai, but that she had to pick this weaker one to find a decent one of BEN. Way to twist that knife a little deeper, T.

BEN: Sundai, why are you pretending to water ski? That looks weird.

Sundai: You think that I look weird? You’re the one giving that poor guy fire crotch.

BEN: Oh that’s real nice talk, Sundai. Very ladylike. Ugh, I am too mature for this.

VampirErin: Would you two shut up? Don’t make me come over there and shove you off this plat— On second thought, please do. I think I’d enjoy that.

Deliberations. There’s even less of a point to this than usual, as Tyra has already told us who are the weakest girls (WonkEye, Asshatley, Karl and BEN). The judges do note though that Rae lacks personality at panel, WonkEye might be getting too sexy, Karl lacks confidence and Sundai’s a shitty dresser. Blah blah blah, you assholes better be sending Asshatley home.

Tyra brings the girls back and announces that she will call up the winning group, and then call the remaining girls individually. And the winning group is: Brittany, Rae and WonkEye. Boy did WonkEye get lucky, because they HATED that picture of her! I think she was in serious danger of being eliminated had it not been a group deal. The remaining order is: Laura, BEN, Sundai and VampirErin. I’m very surprised by how early BEN was called, aren’t you? Relieved, though. This leaves Karl and Asshatley in the bottom two! Haha, let’s just eliminate them both, pleeeeease, Tyra? Tyra explains that Karl is just standing around and not trying to model, and that Asshatley isn’t using her — wait for it — DANCER training to her advantage. HAHA. I knew that Tyra would use that against her in the end. And who’s leaving? It’s Asshatley! Bye, bye Tiny Dancer! Tyra must have decided that she doesn’t need you to promote her talk show anymore, so don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

Okay, God, I ignored this song last week because I thought I was drunk and imagining things. What is WITH this “top model” song they play after eliminations? Who the fuck would have so little self-respect that they’d record this shit?! It’s Chris Brown, isn’t it?! Goddammit.

So what did you think? Was it Asshatley’s time to go? Did WonkEye get a lucky break with the group win? Is BEN slipping or was this a rare off-week? And are you surprised they’re doing the go-sees this early and in America? Sorry for the lack of pictures in this recap — the website oddly didn’t offer close-up shots of the girls, and the online video playback stopped working about halfway through so I couldn’t get close-up screen grabs. Bastards! See you next week!