America’s Next Top Model: Kung Fu Fighting.

This week on America’s Next Top Model, Karl proves the only modeling job she should book is Mugatu’s “Derelicte” collection, and two girls don’t make it back on time from the go-see challenge. Place your bets now!

The editors mistake one of Brittany’s protruding ribs for a nipple.

We kick off this episode with the girls rehashing panel, as usual. Sundai is thrilled that the judges thought that she did better in the picture than either VampirErin or BEN. BEN, meanwhile, is a bit shaken up and vows to show up at panel high instead of completely stoned to prove to the judges that she has a personality. We are then subjected to Rae’s inaccurate and unfunny impression of Laura. Rae’s fake southern accent makes James Van Der Beek’s in “Varsity Blues” look Oscar-worthy by comparison. That guy must have been pretty wasted when he knocked her up, for he certainly wasn’t attracted to her sense of humor.

Tyra Mail announces the girls will be “driving” the next day, and these geniuses immediately guess that it’ll involve go-karts or bumper cars. If someone could manage to run over Karl, I’d be okay with that concept. Although, to be fair, it really is too early in the season for them to be expecting it’s go-sees. Afterwards, we see Karl shit talking BEN to Vampire, Rae and Sundai, complaining that BEN has “the social graces of a fetus.” Better a fetus than a penis, Karl. With Asshatley gone, Karl is now the most wretched girl in the house. And someone should point out to Karl that her personality isn’t too scintillating either. Being a gigantic jealous bitch does not a good personality make.

The next morning, the girls head over to Wilhelmina and find out that this is the go-see challenge. Here are the details: There are five locations, and mixed in with the normal batch of designers is an advertising agency that wants the girls to audition for a commercial. Guess they couldn’t find a fifth designer willing to pretend he’d hire these midgets. The girls will be broken into teams of two, and will have to drive and navigate themselves. The teams are: Vampire and WonkEye, Brittany and Karl, Sundai and Rae, and BEN and Laura. They have four hours, and all must be back no later than 4pm. There’s no way all of them will return on time, despite all the warnings in the world. I’m putting my money on Vampire and WonkEye coming back late. Any guesses?

BEN displaying human emotions. Holy shit. What’s next, her telling a dick joke like a normal, immature teenager?

The girls pile into their cars and take off. Brittany/Karl and Sunday/Rae both go to the same designer first, but B/K beats S/R to the door because Brittany’s competitive streak causes her to drive like Lindsay Lohan on an emergency coke run to her dealer’s house. Well, you know how I said before that Tyra could only find four designers willing to play her midget game? Make that three, as this designer is for jewelry, not clothes. I wonder if Tyra even tried to line up clothing designers like she would for ANY other cycle, or if this is her subtle way of telling her babies to go fuck themselves, similar to how she makes them wear flats everywhere. As they’re trying on the jewelry, Karl admits that she doesn’t have pierced ears, and the designer immediately dismisses her as a potential model. Who the fuck doesn’t have pierced ears? Seriously, Karl, are you TRYING to look more like a dude, or what? On the other hand, the designer decides that Brittany’s protruding bones set off his pieces nicely, and he tells us he would book her.

Meanwhile, Vampire/WonkEye arrive at their first designer, and shockingly, it’s actually a clothing designer! They both are asked to walk, and the designer tells us that while Vampire lacks confidence in herself, her look is great and she would book her. The designer feels that WonkEye, however, looks like she fell face-first into a vat of eyeliner and therefore is not worthy of being booked. Someone needs to tell WonkEye that slathering on the Wet n’ Wild does not help distract from the wonky eye.

Back at the jewelry designer, Sundai and Rae both get rejected for not having the confidence and comfort level to pull off his giant tacky jewelry. I don’t care if that necklace costs half a million dollars — ugly is still ugly. We then join BEN and Laura at the advertising agency, where BEN is reading a script. Surprisingly, she comes off as very natural and the executives like her style. Wow. Did she decide to not wake and bake today? What is going on with her? As for Laura, they try to get her to drop the southern accent, and she decides to show them her “hood rat” accent. If she wasn’t so clueless, I’d worry about that being a little racist, but okay. Needless to say, neither the southern belle nor the hood rat books the commercial.

“And for my next accent, you have a choice between Miami Chola and Chinaman Chen.”

After Sundai informs us that she can see elderly people with their walkers moving faster on the sidewalk than Rae is driving their car, it’s time for Brittany and Karl to audition for the commercial. Both girls speak in god-awful fake accents that are supposed to be British, but they could be Pakistani for how recognizable they are. The casting directors have to be asking them to do these accents, but why??? With Laura, I assumed it was because they wanted to see if she could lose the southern twang. But this makes no sense. Besides, I don’t know many “normal” people who can pull off a convincing fake accent. You need to study that shit for months to get it right. Hilariously, however, the casting people have more trouble with Karl than just her accent — they declare her poorly put together and with greasy hair. Hahaha, love it! They’re right — she doesn’t look that good. Still, her hair’s better than that normal flowy Fabio look she’s rocking in the confessional.

Laura and BEN arrive at another designer, where perhaps karma pays Laura back for her quasi-racist accent — by confounding her with a parking meter. The girl claims there are not parking meters in Kentucky, which I have a hard time believing, but more importantly, she cannot figure out HOW to pay a meter. How is that possible? You put money in a slot and turn a knob. Living in the city, I don’t have a car so I haven’t paid a meter in a while, so someone correct me if I’m wrong and meters have advanced in the last couple of years into highly-complicated pieces of technology. Laura finally is so perplexed that she just gives up and goes inside with BEN. Turns out all the effort was worth it, as the designer loves both girls.

Vampire and WonkEye find similar success at their next designer, who takes their pictures and explains that she’s putting together a print campaign and not a runway show (at least not for you stumpy assholes). Meanwhile, Rae finally pulls up to the advertising agency, Sundai having resisted the urge to get out and push the car to pick up some extra speed for the last few miles. They ask Rae if she can do any accents, and she does “Minnesotan” while is really an impression of Tina Fey doing an impression of Sarah Palin. However, it’s pretty funny. It’s unclear what they think of Rae, but we do see that they think Sundai is “limited” and wouldn’t be easy to book. Maybe she should go back to fake accent college for that degree and try again.

“You’re hot. Care to let me impregnate you? I hear you’re into that.”

We see that Brittany, like Vampire, isn’t afraid to play a little dirty when she lies to another team and gives them bad directions. Seeing as though Brittany and Karl had already gone to that designer and therefore weren’t competing to get there first, it was a bit unnecessary. I guess sandwich desperation makes people do crazy things. At their next location, a second designer notes that Karl looks like a hot mess and has really destroyed her chances of getting booked just by being gross. Haha, I hope she’s mortified sitting at home and watching this right now. You’re on fucking national TV. In a competition that focuses mostly on your appearance. Find the shower and use it, you idiot. Brittany loses points with that same designer when she takes off her gigantic heels (we’re talking 4+ inches) and puts them on the designer’s desk rather than on the floor. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, but the designer let us know that it was RUDE. Okay then, you take your furniture very seriously, don’t you? I’d hate to see the shitshow that would have gone down had Brittany propped her foot up on a chair to refasten her shoe buckles.

At this point, most of the pairs start heading back, noting that it will take 30-45 minutes in LA traffic. Rae is of that same thought and tells Sundai that despite only going to two (!) go-sees, they should return to Wilhelmina with only 30 minutes left on the clock. Sundai disagrees, arguing that it’s a competition and they need to go to three go-sees. Okay, Sundai is a fucking moron. Even without any traffic, it would be damn near impossible to go to a go-see and return in 30 minutes. Factoring in the fact that Speedy Gonzalez is behind the wheel, they should really allocate 90 minutes just for the return trip. The designer they race off to seems to like both of them, but they’ve really screwed themselves here.

Laura and BEN make it back first with plenty of time, and Brittany and Karl get in with about six minutes to spare. Vampire and WonkEye freak out a lot, but they end up dashing in with literally one minute left on the clock. Sundai and Rae finally show up about 15 minutes late, judging from the clock visible in the shot. Oof, that’s a pretty big margin. Unfortunately, we do not get any epic post-go-see meltdowns a la Brittany in cycle eight. Another 45 minutes pass, and Sean from Wilhelmina calls the girls in for the results. But before revealing those results, he lashes out at Rae and Sundai, and orders them to leave the room. They both seem pretty embarrassed, but they deserved what they got so I have no sympathy.

“I’m only raising my hand this high. Let’s not add insult to injury by showing you my pit stains.”

With the troublemakers gone, Sean gives us the scoop on how the girls did. WonkEye is sweet and has the best personality, but her eye makeup made her look like she was on a walk of shame. Laura is cute and fresh, but will not be booking hood-rat commercials anytime soon. Brittany is gorgeous but robotic. Karl has a strong walk but “one” of the designers called her scruffy. Uh, it was two, actually. I was looking forward to watching her hear that, jerk. Vampire also has a good walk, but is too timid. Finally, BEN has a great face but lacked energy in front of the camera. And the winner is… BEN! Wow! I wonder how much the fact that pretty much everyone sucked ass at the commercial but her played in that decision. Did she even have to do a British accent? Oh well, I’m happy for her!

Back at the house, BEN receives her prize of different pieces from each designer. As she tries stuff on, Vampire makes a snotty comment to BEN’s face that “they may have just wanted you to win.” Whoa there, bitch! 1) Why would they care who won? It makes no sense. And 2) even if in your tiny brain you have a logical reason to think that, shut your hole of dumb. Ugh. If Karl goes this week, Vampire’s getting her spot as most-hated. Speaking of dumb and rude, Sundai and Karl are pissed as hell that BEN won, and bitch and sit around mocking BEN. It’s not faaaaaair they whine. Really? And what would have been fair was for one of you two to win — the former of whom can’t tell time and the latter of whom is unpresentable and dirty? Go fuck yourselves, ladies. And can we talk about the irony of these two mocking BEN’s monotone speech and “annoying” voice? Karl’s monotone is just as bad and Sundai’s voice gets on my nerves. Do these two have ANY self-awareness, or are they too busy being gigantic twats to make time for that?

Photo shoot time! Mr. Jay announces that the theme of the shoot is martial arts. The girls will have to take two pictures each — one on the ground, and one suspended in the air by a harness — each while wielding a martial arts weapon. This photo will really come in handy the next time Black Belt Magazine is looking for some skinny teenagers for their editorials.

Can’t you totes see Laura or Brittany on the cover of this?

BEN is up first and looks gorgeous in her hair and makeup. Mr. Jay reminds us that she sucked last week, but says that she’s awesome this week. WonkyEye, Vampire and Laura also seem to have fabulous shoots, judging from the very small amount of footage we get of them.

Meanwhile, Karl is sitting in hair and makeup while BEN and Sundai hang out next to her. BEN tells Karl that her smokey eye makeup makes her eyes look “burnt.” I don’t think BEN is meaning it as an insult, but Karl barely holds back a sneer and Sundai mockingly repeats everything BEN says to make fun of BEN’s slow delivery. BEN, you’re socially awkward and these bitches are jealous of you (Karl complains yet again to us in the confessional that she doesn’t understand how BEN won the go-see challenge), so don’t even bother to talk to them because it will just be misconstrued. I may mock you for claiming you’re more mature than other girls, but in this situation, you are absolutely right and don’t need to put up with their shit.

Karl’s photo shoot is the first bad one that we see. HAHA. She doesn’t seem to pay attention during the instructions on how to wield her weapon, or she’s too dumb to remember them a few minutes later. On top of that, she fails to correct the things Mr. Jay points out to her, and has that same vacant look on her face that we’ve come to know and hate. I’m surprised it’s not a grimace of pain, because I’ve heard those harnesses are a bitch on a man’s junk. Please go home.

Mr. Jay describes Brittany’s performance in the harness as the least graceful and floppy like a fish. However, he thinks she got some amazing shots out of it. But when we get to Rae and Sundai, we see two other weak photo shoots. Rae’s seems harmless enough, but Jay comments that she doesn’t bring any light or life to her pictures. I agree, I find Rae’s photos bland and uninspiring even in her best weeks. As for Sundai, her poses are remedial, awkward and boring. While I’m not really a fan of her best photos, either, this did seem “abysmal” as Jay put it.

Time for panel! Clearly, Karl, Rae and Sundai are the most vulnerable from the photo shoot. I hope Karl’s going, but since Rae and Sundai were also kicked out of the go-see challenge for being late, it might be one of them instead. The guest judge is Jessica White, whom Tyra gushes about but fails to give us her height. Meaning, the bitch must be over 5’7″. Guess that well of successful petite models ran dry after what? Four? Three?

WonkEye is up first. The judges love her picture, although Nigel comments that she could have elongated her body more. Out of nowhere, little miss guest judge steps in and completely contradicts Nigel, arguing that the shoot didn’t call for WonkEye to have to look tall. Haha, we finally have a live guest judge!

WonkEye better be careful not to poke herself with those things before she gives herself a right wonk eye to match her left wonk eye.

Rae’s second, and no one mentions her being late for the go-see challenge. However, they don’t love her picture, finding it too posey and stiff rather than fluid.

“Hi-Ya! I’m boring!”

The judges praise Vampire’s pictures, noting that she looks confused in several of the shots, but it works for her. They especially love her upside down shoot, praising her soft features. If I were to hang upside down, my features are so soft my cheek folds would droop down over my eyes and block them. But I don’t think that’s what they mean by soft.

“My sharp teeth and basilisk stare would be so much more effective than these swords…”

As expected, the judges love Brittany’s picture, commenting that she looks sexy, as we’ve heard them tell her before. I wonder if that will be her ultimate downfall. Frankly, as long as she’s not sticking phallic shaped objects in her cooter like week 1, I don’t think she looks that sexy. But I’m not delusional like Tyra.

“Goddammit, this harness is making my body look slightly healthier than the decaying corpse it usually looks like! Cut it off!”

Karl tells the judges that the shoot was “an experience” and Nigel immediately quips that it was an experience she doesn’t want to have again. HAHA.

“Oh my, I smell something so bad I think I shall faint”

::sniff sniff:: “Oh, crap, is that me?”

“Heh, this sword looks like a dick. WHICH I DON’T HAVE!”

Laura’s pictures are fantastic and the judges love them. Our sweet little underdog is still definitely in the mix.

“This is just like that time Grandma Wanda Sue tied some castrated bull penises together for me and Bobby Lee to play with!

Sundai’s critique doesn’t go as poorly as I expected, with the judges only saying that her pictures are always the same old thing. Specifically, in this shoot, she turned her face and held her legs the same way in all three shots.

Orange Sherbet Sundae.

Finally, it’s BEN’s turn. They love her pictures, but point out that BEN’s speaking voice at panel is monotone and dull. Tyra warns BEN that she doesn’t have to turn into an egomaniacal black woman like Tyra, but she needs to enhance her personality before the judges. BEN monotonely agrees. Sweetie, whatever you did to seem like a human being before go-sees, please do before panel before you get eliminated for lack of personality.

Girl looks intense. Proof that you never want to mess with BEN if you steal her stash.

Deliberations are uneventful, although there is still NO mention of Rae and Sundai getting kicked out of the go-sees. I am shocked. Tyra usually goes a little batshit over that (deservedly for once). Guest judge states that BEN is the most model-y and her favorite, while Tyra supports Vampire. However, the judges think that both girls’ personality suck in different ways. Laura for the ultimate win?

Let’s get to it. Best picture: BEN, followed by Laura, Brittany, Vampire, WonkEye and Rae. This leaves Karl and Sundai as the bottom two! Tyra tells Karl that she doesn’t seem invested in the competition, which very likely could be her kiss of death, for you better be fucking invested in Tyra’s fucking modeling competition, bitch!!! As for Sundai, Tyra tells her that she’s stuck in the same poses and shows no versatility. And going home is… Karl! YES! As she packs her shit, she sobs for the camera, telling us that she would never have come if she had known she wasn’t going to win. And there’s a great attitude. Glad you valued the opportunity that thousands of other girls would have killed to have had themselves. Good riddance.

So what did you think? Did Karl deserve to go? Did she piss you off with her cattiness and lack of self-awareness too? Were you shocked by BEN’s performance at the commercial audition? Do you like her overall chances better now with the CoverGirl commercial coming up? Why do you think Tyra never mentioned once that Rae and Sundai were late? I’m betting it’s because she didn’t want to give us a reason to question her decision to eliminate Karl rather than one of them. Not like I’m complaining. It’s just another example of how inconsistent and biased the judging on this show is. See you next week!