America’s Next Top Model: Not Very Easy or Breezy

This week on America’s Next Top Model, Tyra keeps speeding up the typical timeline of the challenges and throws the CoverGirl commercial at the girls, which prompts one of them to have a meltdown of epic proportions. Love it.

“BEN, this dress makes me look young and hip, right? Not to mention that it’s totally flattering for my boobs, right?”

“Ummmm…. <blink>.”

We begin the episode with WonkEye telling Rae how proud she is that Rae doesn’t annoy the shit out of them by whining about her kid all the time. Well that’s an awkward compliment. “Gee, thanks Rae for being an awful mom who doesn’t give a damn about her kid, because it’s great not having to hear about it!” Rae doesn’t seem insulted, but probably because she forgot she even has a kid and thinks WonkEye is confusing her with someone else. Why are they suddenly bringing up Rae’s kid? Anyone else think this is an elimination foreshadowing?

Meanwhile, VampirErin is busy telling us that BEN takes some great pictures, but has a shitty personality. Zzz. How many times do we have to go back to this story line? However, VE points out, VE has a GREAT personality that a lot of people could relate too! If by “a lot of people” she means “football and rugby players”, then I totally agree. Those guys would definitely relate to VE’s penchant for a well-placed elbow in the back or a good shoulder-dislocating arm pull. As for the teenage girls who use CoverGirl products? Not so much. The editors then attempt to prove VE wrong re: BEN by showing BEN suggesting a head-banging and twirling competition. I am appalled. If she suggests a burping contest next, all of her trumped up claims of superior maturity will be for naught.

Tyra Mail! Laura reads it out loud without a problem, but then tells us that she’s dyslexic and has been called stupid by classmates and teachers in the past. I don’t think that it’s the dyslexia that’s making her stupid — it’s being born and raised in Kentucky. I just hope that this isn’t foreshadowing her having difficulty with the commercial shoot.

“Momma always said, ‘stupid is as stupid does.’ What, have you heard that before, too???”

The next morning the girls arrive at the studio for “The Insider”, which I guess is some sort of “Entertainment Tonight”-esque tabloid shit show. The host, Lara something or other, is conducting a fake interview of Ant (who, according to Wikipedia, is the host of Celebrity Fit Club. Okee-dokee), and they are both hamming it up for the camera, ANTM-style. After their “performance”, Lara babbles to the girls that as an interviewer, she has to think on her feet. She then gushes that Tyra’s “the best” at it. Oh, barf. How much did you get paid to say that? Well, I hope you use the money for a new dress at least. That shit is FUG. Anyway, Lara explains that each of the girls will conduct a mock interview of Ant to see who thinks the fastest on her feet.

Rae is up first, and she won’t let Ant finish answering a question before she jumps in with a new one. VE’s tone is patronizing and she sounds like she’s speaking to the mentally retarded. However, she’s not as bad as BEN, who literally sits there and stares at Ant silently. What happened to the conscious girl we saw last week? Can she only be normal when she’s given something to read? Needless to say, thinking on her feet is not BEN’s strong suit. The only other girl we see is Laura, who has to deal with Ant’s “classic diva” behaviors. After Ant does his very best Tyra impression, the girls begin the actual challenge.

Ann Shoket’s schnoz shows up to announce that the girls will each be interviewing Jessica Lowndes, one of the chicks from the new 90210. Each of them is handed a fact sheet, and they will be using the teleprompter for the interview. This, of course, is good news for BEN and bad news for Laura. The winner of the challenge will get another advertisement appearance in Seventeen. Wow, someone help me to my feet — I just fell over in shock. Gonzo awarding some pictures in Seventeen? No way!

WonkEye is first, and things start off very smoothly as she reads questions off the prompter and reacts appropriately to Jessica’s answers. But then Lara and Gonzo decide to stop the teleprompter to see how WonkEye reacts. That is MEAN. I was a broadcast journalism major in college, so I’ve worked with teleprompters a lot. You don’t realize how much you’re depending on that thing until it malfunctions. It’s like someone kicked you in the ovaries underneath the desk. However, WonkEye handles it pretty damn well, and resumes asking questions after only a brief hesitation.

“So, between Brendan, Steve and Dylan — who do you want the most to return to the show and get statutory with your character? Because all three actors certainly have nothing better to do. You can look forward to that yourself in about 8 years.”

Sundai is next, and she struggles a lot more than WonkEye did when the teleprompter goes out. Gonzo and Lara note that she’s cutting Jessica off before she can answer, but I’m more bothered by her fake interviewing voice, which has multiplied the annoying factor in her normal voice by at least ten.

However, that’s nothing compared to Laura. The poor girl gets up there, fumbles reading the prompter, and then goes completely mute once the prompter goes out. I thought she’d be better at that point, but Laura looked so confused, almost as if she was convinced that the gibberish on the prompter was real English and her dyslexia was preventing her from reading it. To top it all off, she then got her ass bleeped out when she swore in embarrassed frustration. Crash and burn.

VE does a great job, barely flinching when the teleprompter goes out. Boney Brit (LOVE that name, juddfan!) is too mechanical, and Rae’s slouched posture — it IS pretty bad — disappoints Gonzo and Lara. BEN is last, and while she’s not as deer-in-headlights or as dull as expected, she wins the award for “most awkward question” when she asks 20-year-old Jessica if she’s ever gotten knocked up in real life. HAHA, oh BEN…. Why not ask her if she uses her salary to support her coke habit, or when she expects to get some fake tits and pose for PlayBoy?

Afterwards, Lara and Gonzo criticize BEN for her inappropriateness, Rae for being unmemorable, and Laura for pausing and swearing. They also praise VE and WonkEye for their poise and ability to roll with the punches when the teleprompter went out. And the winner is — VE! Lara and Gonzo tell her how charming she was, and Sundai and I react the same way when Sundai exclaims to the camera, “Charming?! Erin’s not charming! She’s obnoxious!” So are you, Sundai, but I agree with you this time. VE picks WonkEye and Rae to join her for her reward, which involves taking beauty shots for a makeup spread.

“Buy our makeup, and you can look old and bruised too!”

Back at the house, the girls receive packages and a note informing them that they will shooting their first CoverGirl commercial — and are to use the contents of the boxes to help them write their own scripts. Haha, that’s cruel. I love it. Laura blames dyslexia for giving her a bad memory (I don’t really see the correlation, but okay), and worries about memorizing her script. VE, on the other hand, seems extremely confident, and jumps up and announces that she’s done writing while everyone else is still freaking out. Someone smack her, please. BEN, in particular, seems worried, and stays up later than the rest of the girls to practice her script. Hopefully that helps her be one of the best, rather than exhausts her into fucking up.

The next morning, the girls meet up with Mr. Jay and last cycle’s winner, Teyona. I know it’s a moot point, but I’m still pissed off that she beat Allison. Teyona kinda sucked. Jay sends the girls to hair and makeup, and Teyona hovers around them, whoring herself for CoverGirl and gushing about some new cheap-ass looking eye shadows. Winning this show must really do damage to your self-respect.

Ewwww! Bitch looks Boney Brit look like a heifer.

BEN’s up first for the commercials, and she looks stunning. She stumbles a few times at the beginning, but manages to pull off a smooth take, which is especially impressive knowing her tendency to be awkward. Sundai is next, and her voice quickly squeaks so high that Nigel — who is running the commercial rather than Mr. Jay — calls cut. Overall, he finds her “amateur”, but said in that sexy accent of his. As WonkEye prepares to shoot her commercial, VE gloats in hair and makeup about how confident she is and tells us that “she’s a winner and the other girls are going to have to deal with it.” And there’s that sparkling, easy-to-relate-to personality, commonly known as heinous twat! You know who actually DOES have a good personality, sweetie? WonkEye, who delivers her commercial with a few too many head tosses but does a great job otherwise.

Given all of her dire predictions, it’s no surprise when Laura struggles to both remember her lines and to deliver them smoothly. However, Nigel notes that she did a great job bringing her personality out. Boney Brit is the exact opposite. She delivers her lines perfectly, but is so mechanical again that Nigel does a hilarious robot impression and tells us that she was boring as hell. Speaking of boring, Rae nearly knocks me unconscious during her shoot. While she doesn’t have a bad personalty trait that we’ve seen — other than child abandonment — this girl is just so BLAH. I kinda hope that she goes home this week because I don’t think she is bringing anything to this competition or this show. Same for Sundai.

We finally get to Miss Confident, VE. She immediately begins fumbling lines left and right, including charming, relatable ones like, “My eyes look great in any light!” Now we’ve been seeing previews for this all week, and let me tell you, the real thing is actually BETTER than the previews. VE’s crying all over the place, can’t get more than two words out without breaking down, and is shrieking and throwing a temper tantrum in front of Nigel — a JUDGE in this competition. My absolute favorite is when she goes, “Easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl… <SNIFFLE>.” Hahahaha! By the end of it, Nigel is completely frustrated by her theatrics, and goes as far as to break down the fourth wall and give an exasperated/disgusted look to the camera.

I think he should beat the crap out of her annoying ass. Shirtless, of course…

Time for panel! Guest judge is Kim Kardashian’s ass, which appears to be dragging along the rest of the girl for the ride. WonkEye is up first for evaluations. The judges love her commercial, with Miss. Jay offering the only criticism that he wished her wonk eye could have been a bit more animated.

Laura’s best take isn’t quite as bad as we were led to believe, although she does stumble and pause to recall her lines a few times. She informs the panel that she has dyslexia, which appears to soften them up a bit. Despite the commercial’s problems, I think Laura has charmed them more than enough to survive this elimination.

The judges find Boney Brit’s commercial as dry and stunted as Nigel did during the shoot, and warn her that she has no marketable personality. I agree that Boney Brit is dry, but I always get frustrated when Tyra & Co. focuses so much on personalities. Difficult, raging bitch is one thing, but when the girl is just kind of boring, I don’t see why they should give a shit. Models aren’t hired for their personalities. I know they use CoverGirl as the reason for needing great personalities, but can anyone tell me the last time CoverGirl actually used a model for a campaign, and not a singer/actress/celebrity? Brittany should get a pass this week, but I think her days are numbered.

BEN’s up next, and she’s wearing a terrible printed blouse and eyeglasses. After Tyra harasses her a bit about that, they watch the commercial, which is praised by all. Tyra correctly notes that BEN wasn’t showing her true personality in it, but that her “fake” personality was convincing enough on its own. Good for BEN. I was worried this commercial may be her downfall, so I’m really excited that she pulled it off.

Rae’s critique is pretty rough, as the judges tear apart almost every aspect of her commercial. Specifically, they say that she didn’t smile enough throughout, and then smiled fakely at the end. She moved around too much and was unnatural in doing so. She flubbed her lines multiple times and was awkward. Bottom two for sure.

Sundai shows up for panel without any accessories for the first time ever, which deprives Tyra of the opportunity of making her strip off loads of crappy shit. Her commercial is pretty bad due to her smarmy delivery, although Rae and VE likely tanked it bad enough to save her from a trip to the bottom two. Let’s just say that when Sundai loses this competition, she has a bright future as a used car salesman. You betcha!

And finally we get VE. Girlfriend’s got a Bump It bigger than Boney Brit’s protruding clavicle jammed in her hair and looks ridiculous. Before they show her commercial, Tyra asks VE how she did, and the crying begins. They then play the commercial, which includes the fantastic ending-sniffle. Nigel rips into her a bit about her hysterics on set, and Tyra states that VE looks a lot better in 2-D pictures than she does in 3-D film. Even Kim Kardashian jumps in the fray, informing VE that it shouldn’t have been that difficult to memorize a script that she wrote herself. Haha, suck it, VE.

Deliberations confirm to me that VE’s definitely going to the bottom two with Rae. As Kim K notes, VE’s behavior on set was just unacceptable. However, VE’s previous strong performances and that random talk about Rae’s kid at the beginning of the episode make me pretty confident that’ll be Rae who leaves this week. I hope that is the case for while VE can be a bitch, at least she has a personality. And overall, I think she’s a better model, too.

So who goes? Called first is WonkEye, followed by BEN, Brittany, Sundai and Laura, leaving Rae and VE in the bottom two as predicted. Tyra tells Rae that her weakness is being forgettable and boring as shit. She then tells VE that in the history of the show, no one’s needed her makeup fixed as much as VE did due to crying. It was a shitshow on set. And eliminated is… Rae! Yes!

With only six left, it’s time for the destination episodes! Next week we’ll be in Hawaii, because Tyra’s too cheap to bring these shorties overseas. She saves the big bucks for the girls who actually have a chance in hell of being successful in this industry. So tell me what you think. Are you sad that Rae didn’t make the final six? Should VE have been eliminated instead? Who do you think will be the next to go? Sundai? Brittany? WonkEye? One of the leaders? See you next week!