America’s Next Top Model: I’d Like a New Race, Please.

This week on America’s Next Top Model, the girls travel to Hawaii, where Tyra finds the justification to offend as many racial and ethnic groups as possible within one hour.

“Yes, this should be inappropriate enough to earn me some extra Google Search Results this week!”

In the car ride back from eliminations, VampirErin kicks off the episode by whining about how terrible her CoverGirl commercial was. No one really bothers to console her since the commercial, after all, was total shit. Boney Brit in particular is unsympathetic, noting that she’s different than the other girls since she’s 21 years old and “knows herself.” Anyone else’s “bottom two” alarms going off?

The girls arrive at the house to find that it has been “condemned” by Tyra’s production assistants. Oy, I feel some Tyra ego masturbation coming on! Sure enough, there she is, dressed in a white outfit that makes her look like an escaped insane asylum patient. Tyra yells at the girls that their house is the dirtiest top model house ever, and points to some crusty dishes in the sink and Sundai’s rummaged-through suitcase spilling crap all over the floor. I don’t think that it really looks that bad, but maybe that’s because I tend to wait to do the dishes until I’ve run out of things to eat off of. I must admit I’ve also chosen to eat my dinner straight out of the pot rather than wash a plate. And why wash a wine glass when your $6 Pinot Grigio tastes just as good coming out of the bottle a coffee mug? Ah, the benefits and shame of living alone…

Tyra hams it up that their apartment is uninhabitable, so the girls will have to move to Hawaii! The girls screech at the top of their lungs, and basically lose their goddamned minds That’s so not fair. If this joint ever gets condemned, I’ll be living in a box on Lower Wacker, not relocating to a tropical destination. I’d be getting pissed on by the bums while these girls take hula lessons. Ugh. Tyra orders the girls to pack, and we’re off!

I honestly look forward to the cheese-fest of this graphic every cycle. Cracks me up every time.

The girls arrive in Maui, and BEN does her best stoner voice to tell us that “the beach is something that she craves.” Along with Cheetos, chocolate frosting and sliders, I’m sure. Their new house is gorgeous, and after settling in, they receive Tyra mail about “catching a break.” Someone suggests that maybe they’ll be fishing, which I personally would find amusing as hell. It’s about time that Tyra stops trying to convince us that these girls have a future in modeling with her modeling-relevant challenges. I’d prefer to see VE try to strangle a fish into submission, thank you very much.

That evening, VE announces that she’s made up a song about the girls. Just to torture you, I will transcribe the “lyrics”:

My name’s Nicole and I like art

My name’s Jen and I like to fart

My name’s Laura and I’ve got hair like a poodle

My name’s Sundai and I love noodles

My name’s Brittany and I love math

My name’s Erin and I kick ass!

Wow. And it’s LAURA who has hair like a poodle? Has VE looked in a mirror recently, or is she too worried about turning herself to stone? While this is going on, Boney Brit tells us that VE is super loud and annoying, and VE tells us that Boney Brit has an attitude and better watch her back before the judges eliminate her for her inconsistency. And say hello to tonight’s bottom two, ladies and gentlemen.

Time for the challenge! Sadly it has nothing to do with fishing — it’s surfing! Waiting for the girls at the beach are two surfer-models, one of whom informs the girls that “Tara” wants them to learn how to surf. While I know it’s only the girl’s accent that made “Tyra” sound like “Tara”, I still giggled at the mispronunciation. I’m surprised that Tyra didn’t demand that this entire segment be dropped and filled with ten minutes of footage of Miss J working on his sleeve puffs for panel.

The lesson begins, and I immediately am taken aback by Sundai’s willingness to get out into the water. Dedicated reality TV watching has left me with the impression that black girls can’t swim and would rather pull out their eyelashes one by one than get their weaves wet. They may only be stereotypes, but never say that reality TV didn’t teach you anything! However, just as I finish this musing, Sundai collapses on her surfboard and shrieks “Aggh! I don’t want to get my hair wet!!!” HAHA.

Thank you for not making me question everything reality TV has taught me. For a minute there, that was like telling me that all Asians aren’t smart and sneaky, all blondes aren’t dumb sluts and all well-groomed men aren’t gay. Phew.

After each of the girls receives some personal instruction on surfing — during which Laura begins to worry me re: possible bottom two by telling us for the second time already that she’s so thankful to have this opportunity — the girls relax on the beach. Two random dudes approach them and ask if they want to go surfing, and it appears that these idiots seem to think these guys are legit. Of course they’re not! Sure enough, Mr. Jay pops up and announces that it’s time for the challenge to begin. Each girl will have to get her photo taken while surfing tandem with one of the two random dudes.

Laura’s up first, and Jay points out that she is totally getting sun burned. As someone who’s also very pale and has burned her dumb ass countless times while on vacation, I experienced sympathy pain immediately. If you’ve never had a full-body burn, consider yourself lucky. There’s nothing fun about sobbing from the pain of putting on a bra. ::shuddering:: And believe me, going without a bra is not an option unless I want one of these bad boys to flop up and hit me in the face while walking down the stairs. Anyway, Laura manages to get up on the surfboard, but her balance and poise are iffy at best.

Sundai’s picture is awful, as she basically turns her back on the camera and sticks out her ass. On the other hand, BEN manages to actually look graceful in hers. WonkEye and Boney Brit are iffy like Laura, but VE strikes a pose that would be decent on the ground, let alone on a surfboard. Afterwards, Jay agrees with me on everyone but Boney Brit (he liked it a lot more than I did), but he declares VE the winner. He announces that her prize is a private helicopter tour of the island with two friends, and she immediately picks BEN and Boney Brit. I wonder if VE now regrets that choice given the shit-talking Boney Brit has done about her.

Just because I hate her.

They get in the helicopter, and Boney Brit and BEN are thrilled, gushing that it’s so beautiful and exciting. As for VE, well… Let the whining begin. Her headset hurts her head! All they’re looking at is mountains and then more mountains! On top of that, VE tells us that she is not happy with her prize because she wanted “a tangible thing.” UGH. Seriously, bitch? It’s distasteful enough to hear her complain to us in the confessional, but then we see that she also voiced this disappointment to all of the girls in the house when she got back, adding that it wasn’t as good as winning something like a dinner, or jewelry or a giftcard. This prompts all the girls to tell us that VE is a total spoiled brat. No shit, Sherlocks. If I’m being honest, I can slightly understand VE’s point — a helicopter ride certainly has less monetary value than the $1,000 Walmart gift card or the jewels given out earlier this season. Still, that doesn’t mean you actually SAY that to anyone, especially not to the other contestants! Get a filter and learn what is and is not appropriate, you fucktard. The editors point out VE’s heinousness even more by cutting directly to someone with an ACTUAL problem — Laura the Lobster, who has legitimate concerns that her severe sunburn will inhibit her photo shoot. I’m really getting nervous about the possibility of a Laura elimination this week, which would be total bullshit when you compare her portfolio to Sundai’s or even Boney Brit’s.

The next morning, the girls head out for their photoshoot, where they find out that Tyra will be their photographer AGAIN. I am seriously overloaded with her dumb ass this week. She reminds the girls that this is the second time that she’s photographed them, while holding up two fingers and jamming them at their faces in case they’re confused by the word “second.” Tyra then announces that she wants to photograph them again because they just, like, inspire her so much, y’all! Okay, I just choked on Diet Coke. That’s the biggest line of crap Tyra has said since she declared that she has the influence to make the fashion industry welcome midget models. She should just own the fact that she’s a grotesque, egomaniacal asshole who wants as much camera time as possible. I’d respect her a lot more then. Going back to the photoshoot, we find out that this week’s theme is cultural insensitivity as Tyra is making each girl represent two different “races.” She then rattles off each girl’s assignment, and all I hear is a bunch of nationalities and ethnic groups. I’m no anthropologist, but I don’t think that “Mexican” or “Russian” is a race. Moron.

The girls go into hair and makeup, which is extensive to say the least. VE’s up first, representing Tibetan/Egyptian. She tells us that she knows nothing about Tibet other than it needs to be freed, and Tyra proves that she doesn’t know dick about Tibet either when she throws in that the Dali Lama is from there. I’m sure that tidbit is really going to help VE with her shoot, T. They’ve darkened VE’s skin dramatically, and given her a dark wig and normal fucking eyebrows for the first time ever. Frankly, she looks a lot better as a potentially offensive “Tibyptian” than she does normally.

When this is the improvement, you know you’re doing something wrong…

The shoot begins, and VE admits that Tyra intimidates her and Tyra tells her that she’s acting way too posey. Jay tries to offer advice by telling her that Tibetans are into rituals, and I admire her restraint from snapping, “Gee, that really fucking clears things up over here, Jay!” Tyra tells us that VE eventually fell into a good picture, but it had much more to do with luck than talent. Wah wah. Bottom two, whiner.

Laura’s up next, and she looks gorgeous as Mexican/Greek. Like with VE, they’ve darkened her skin and given her darker hair. Halfway through the shoot, Laura asks for Tyra’s opinion so far, and Tyra states that she’s “not loving it.” However, from that point forward, Laura rocks the shoot. Yes, she’s safe! Now get your ass some Solarcaine before you start peeling.

BEN gets the same hair/makeup treatment, and will be portraying Japanese/Malagasy. She does fantastic, and Tyra moistens her panties when she figures out how to work both “smize” and “H2T” into her running chatter. VOM. She and Mr. J goofily tell us that BEN “turned it”, so I’m sure Tyra will be submitting a trademark application for that one any day now.

WonkEye looks AWFUL. She’s Batswana/Polynesian, and her now-chocolate colored skin is by far the darkest yet. She also has what can only be called a ‘fro. This is the first one who is actually borderline offensive. On top of that, her shoot is terrible. Tyra tells us that she was panicking, trying to find a way to get WonkEye to give her something to work with. Jay tells WonkEye that in Batswana, music is heard everywhere, and maybe she can use that for inspiration. Immediately, dancey/clubby music starts playing. Call me crazy, but I don’t think that this is exactly what the people of Batswana hand in mind, editors. In the end, Tyra seemed to get a good shot despite all the coaxing.

WonkEye can save this look for next Halloween and go as a Chocolate Easter Bunny.

Boney Brit is Native American/East Indian, and she’s super excited because of all the history. Jesus, editors, we get it. VE is a whiney brat and Boney Brit is a boring intellectual. They’ve stuck a full, floor-length feathered headdress on Brit, which allows her to usurp the title of “most offensive shoot” from WonkEye. At this point, I wont be surprised if Tyra asks her to dance in a circle and put her hand over her mouth. While she doesn’t do THAT, she DOES tell Boney Brit to gaze off into space at “eagles.” HAHA. I’m sure that when Tyra needed pictures with Boney Brit’s eyes focused on the ground, Tyra told her to look for the buffalo on the plains. Tyra and Mr. Jay find her stiff and lacking energy, cementing her trip to the bottom two in my book.

Sundai has escaped the makeup fiasco by already having dark skin, and perhaps by Tyra deciding that she draws the line of making a black girl white. Sundai’s been assigned Moroccan/Russian, and as cliched Russian music plays in the background, she seems to rock her shoot. Jay tells us that he was very surprised, since Sundai hasn’t been that strong. Agreed. I was really hoping she would go this week, but she obviously will not.

Back at the house before panel, most of the girls seem nervous about possibly going home while VE continues to whine — this time about the scratchiness of her blankets. Even if she survives this elimination, I am 100% positive that VE will not win this competition. Her edit is too negative, and we all know that you do NOT dare criticize anything Tyra gives to you. If Tyra wants to make you sleep on scratchy blankets, you will like the scratchy blankets. If Tyra wants to make you sleep on industrial grade sandpaper, you will like the industrial grade sandpaper!

“OMG you guys, this Tyra Mail has the number ’5′ in it. Did you know that 5 is a prime number? Did you know that because it can be written as 2(2^1)+1, 5 is classified as a Fermat prime? Did you also know that 5 is the third Sophie Germain prime, the first safe prime, the third Catalan number, and the third Mersenne prime exponent?!? MATH IS AWESOME GUYS!!!”

Panel! The guest judge is a tall bitch named Kirsty Hume. She doesn’t say a word when introduced, and simply bares her teeth. Alrighty then! WonkEye is up first for critiques. Overall, they like the picture but Nigel and Miss J note that it looks more like a National Geographic cultural picture than an actual modeling picture. I’m sorry, but when you fuck with a girl’s race/ethnicity, put her in an ethnic costume and make her pose in a field, what do you expect? Tyra points out that WonkEye’s shoot started off pretty shitty, but then claims that the music of Batswana helped her get a good shot. I’m sure the people of Batswana appreciate the shout-out.

So baby don’t worry, you are my only,

You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,

You’ll be my only, no need to worry,

Baby are you down down down down down.

“This Batswana music is so inspiring!”

Laura’s still super burned, but the judges LOVE her picture. She looks great. Tyra, however, can’t resist the urge to masturbate her ego by informing the other judges that it wasn’t until after Laura asked TYRA for feedback did Laura perform well. Blargh.

“I really hope that tickling sensation isn’t termites crawling up my cooter.”

When it’s VE’s turn, she stupidly admits that she doesn’t know anything about Tibet, so she didn’t have “any emotions in her head” at the time of the shoot. Guest Judge Kirsty immediately jumps in with, “yeah, I can kinda see that…” Ha! Okay, I like you, Kirsty. You’ve earned your keep. Everyone else informs VE that while she looks pretty, she’s just relying on the pretty and not bringing much else to the picture. Ooh, the “relying on the pretty” kiss of death… VE defends herself by saying she was nervous, especially because Tyra told her at their last shoot together that she didn’t show enough personality. Tyra pounces on that one — rightfully so because VE seemed to show absolutely NO personality this week — and informs VE that VE should have asked Tyra questions about Tibet because that way she would have been showing personality and learning something to enable her to bring emotion to the shoot. For example, Tyra explains, Tyra could have told her that the Dali Lama is from Tibet! HAHA, seriously, that’s all she’s got on Tibet, folks. Wouldn’t have been that long of a conversation.

VE: Tyra, what do you know about Tibet? I can’t seem to connect to this photo shoot.

Tyra: Why, the Dali Lama is from Tibet!

VE: But Tyyyyyyyyra! You mentioned that when you and Mr. Jay explained the concept of the shoooooooot. Why aren’t you giving me anything else to woooooork with?

Tyra: ::blinking:: Dali, er, Lama?

VE: ::whiiiiiiiiiiiiine:: UGH, this is more annoying than when I won that stupid helicopter ride!

“This hat is too heeeeeeeeeeavy!”

Boney Brit, who was smirking while VE got lectured by Tyra re: Tyra’s encyclopedic knowledge of Tibet, is next. Nigel finds the picture to be stoic, but no one thinks that it has enough energy. Boney Brit explains that she was trying to look serene and poised, but everyone dismisses her picture as cataloguey. And there’s another standard elimination excuse. Looks like this is going to be a battle of “relying on the pretty” and “catalogue model.”

“If Chief Wandering Bear in Great Forest walks three miles west, and Squaw Crazy Like an Antelope walks four miles south, I wonder how far Brave Scalps the White Man will have to walk to travel from one to the other?”

Sundai, sans accessories, is next. Miss J criticizes her for only having one angle (she does tend to have the same head position in every shoot), but Nigel compliments her on finally perfecting that angle. The picture is okay, but I find the whole pensive-looking up thing boring. Tyra comments that Sundai photographs short, and that the picture reminds her of a Gap Kids ad. Haha, it totally does! At 5’3″, Sundai’s too short even for this cycle, and she’ll be gone as soon as she even slightly messes up.

Here’s a thought — if you’re worried about your model looking too short, don’t give her a dress that’s about two feet too long on her!

Finally, we have BEN. Nigel finds it stunning, and all of the other judges echo his sentiments. It is a gorgeous picture. I really think this competition is hers to lose. Thoughts?

“Hold on — look at this big stick I’m holding. SO cool, dude… It’s like…. big. Okay, now pass me the bowl.”

Deliberations. WonkEye’s picture is just okay, but she has a lot of potential. Laura’s is gorgeous, but Tyra’s not convinced that she sees a model instead of just a pretty girl. VE comes across as insecure at panel, and perhaps “creates the tornado that doesn’t exist” in her mind. Whatever the fuck that means. Beats me. Boney Brit’s analytical nature (read: boring) got the best of her and she turned out an obvious, catalogue picture. Sundai gives the same look every single week, but it’s a great shot, despite her looking like a 12 year old. BEN’s picture is incredible, and no one has an ounce of criticism for her.

So who stays and who goes? It’s gotta be between Boney Brit and VE in the bottom, and I’m leaning towards Boney Brit getting the axe since a) she got the first-to-speak, next-to-leave honors at the beginning of the episode, b) her picture was probably slightly worse this week, c) her portfolio as a whole is probably weaker, and d) VE makes better TV with her whining than Boney Brit does with her talk of math of all things. Let’s see if I’m right, shall we? First called is BEN, followed by WonkEye, Laura and Sundai, leaving VE and Boney Brit in the bottom two as predicted.

Tyra explains that the judges are now considering more than just each week’s picture — they’re also looking at each girl’s entire body of work. Oh, Boney Brit’s fucked and I think that she knows it. Tyra states that Boney Brit’s pictures are inconsistent in quality and they’ve become formulaic. As for VE, she’s engaging in self-sabotage and letting her intimidation screw herself over. And leaving is… Boney Brit! As wretched as VE is, I think the judges made the right decision here.

So what did you think? Did VE deserve to stay over Boney Brit? Was the photoshoot offensive, eyebrow raising, or did it not faze you at all? Given tonight’s comments about her not seeming like a model, does Laura have a chance to steal the crown from BEN, or can we call our winner right now?

Hope you guys had a safe and happy Halloween!