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This week on America’s Next Top Model, I’m sad to report that no one drowns during an underwater photo shoot.
“Oh, so THAT’S the difference between the labia majora and the labia minora! Thanks, Marisa Miller!”
After listening to VampirErin whine about being in the bottom two for the second time, and Sundai not seeing the irony in telling us that VE should have gone home a long time ago, we find ourselves back at the house with the final five. BEN is starting to get confident but wants to continue to surprise the judges. That’s fine and all, but don’t surprise them by sucking ass, sweetie, okay? Also worth noting is that the editors are starting to show us that WonkEye is a bit insane, as she demonically laughs in the confessional over nothing twice within a single minute. Then again, this much close contact with Tyra Banks would make me lose my shit by now, too.
It’s quiet time at the house, so we get to listen to Sundai talk about being in foster care and being adopted. Okay, random back stories are my #1 reality show elimination red flag. I’m calling a Sundai elimination right now. She promises to tell the girls the rest of her sad story — oh pretty please, can’t you complain more right now about your difficult life?! — but only if she makes the final four. Phew, at least we’re going to dodge that bullet. Sundai then tells us that if she’s eliminated her life will pretty much end, for modeling is her ONLY hope of being successful. There’s a great message for young girls. However, if she’s stupid enough to say that, she may be stupid enough that it’s true.
She’s lucky BEN didn’t have a heart attack over this flagrant display of immaturity. Are you really sucking your thumb? REALLY?
The next morning, Laura celebrates her 20th birthday with eggs and spam, which grosses me out immensely. Why is she eating that? It must be because she likes it, right? Gross! She lives on a farm, for chrissakes. Shouldn’t she be able to get plenty of non-canned, square-shaped meat? Okay, I need to stop thinking about spam, because I can feel the bile rising up. It’s almost as bad as when Tyra’s on screen.
The girls arrive at their lesson, which is on a deserted fish-stinky beach (thank you, VE, for your constant positivity). Victoria’s Secret model Marisa Miller shows up, and seems to think that she’s SUPER cool. Granted, if I were that hot, I’d probably be a heinous twat, too. I’m pretty awful as it is, and I’m fat and pasty. MM then announces that she’s only 5’8″, and the taller girls cheer while 5’3″ Sundai amusingly just stands there and looks resentful. Sorry, Sundai, but I don’t think anyone’s going to trot out a 5’2″ girl to make you feel better any time soon. That is, unless you want to see your competition for those Gap Kids ads Tyra was talking about last week.
As for the lesson, MM will be showing them how to do bikini shoots without looking like they are in a men’s magazine. I like it when they do this challenge, because some of the girls are soooo automatically slutty that it cracks me up. In fact, a girl from the first cycle that I went to high school with got kicked off for that very reason. So amusing. She’s really bucked that label though with her starring roles in the movie “Stripper Academy” and the TV show “Fake or Real.” And no, I’m not making those up. They should really do a “Top Models in Action” segment on her next cycle.
MM orders the girls to get wet and sandy, for they will be posing in a beach shower, rinsing off the sand. As they roll around in the sand, poor Laura tells us that she might as well be scraping at her sunburn with knives, but she doesn’t utter a single word of complaint to MM or the other girls. That, my friends, is called class. The girls take turns posing in the shower while MM offers advice such as “don’t fondle your boobs” (Laura) and “don’t leave your mouth hanging open like you’re waiting for a penis to suck on” (WonkEye). VE seems to impress MM a lot when she demonstrates that she’s no stranger to getting on her knees, but Sundai struggles the most when she confuses herself with a water-spitting fish on a fountain at the zoo. Not to mention that she looks creepily like a little kid trying to act like a sexy growup.
If you find this sexy, please leave your name and address in the comments so I can add you to the national sex offender registry.
Afterwards, MM leads the girls on a little hike, where they find Nigel — sadly, fully dressed — waiting to announce that they will be cliff diving as part of their photo challenge. WonkEye in particular does not react well to this news, but Laura shows her southern gumption by volunteering to go first. Basically, each girl will jump off a small cliff and pose in mid-air. They only get one jump and the girl with the best picture wins. Laura seems to do fine, and VE volunteers to go next, telling us that she will jump off of anything we tell her to jump off of. I’m sure several 60+-story buildings came to a lot of our minds. VE, BEN, WonkEye and Sundai all seem to struggle a bit, but how the hell are they expected to do this well when they only get one jump? This really is a stupid challenge. The only thing really worth noting is that Sundai somehow managed to hurt herself on her jump by landing partially on her head. Unfortunately, it didn’t render her mute, which my eardrums would have appreciated.
Despite the challenge being stupid, there still has to be a winner, who will receive a necklace, extra frames at the shoot and the ability to gift extra frames on a friend, who will then gift extra frames on a friend, etc, until one girl remains, who will not receive any extra frames. And the winner is… BEN! WonkEye crazily crackles in the confessional that of course it’s BEN, since she’s a great model and gets everything that she needs. Are we sure it’s not a brain tumor that makes her eye wonky? Because the girl is acting cracked out this episode. Anyway, BEN now has to pick the first girl in the extra frames chain, and she picks Sundai, who picks Laura, who picks WonkEye, leaving VE without any extra frames. Haha. Needless to say, VE pouts and complains to us about this, but it’s her own damn fault for shit like that’s a popularity contest, and her ass is the furthest thing from popular. Case in point — her obnoxious behavior over cupcakes of all things later that night during Laura’s birthday party. Speaking of that “party”, I miss the good ol’ days of them bringing boys back to the house and cheating on their boyfriends, don’t you?
The next morning, the girls meet Mr. Jay for their photo shoot after receiving Tyra Mail that suggested that they’d be working with either Hawaiian people or Hawaiian animals. I would love a shoot where they’re made up to look like roasting pigs for a luau. They arrive at a boat dock, where they quickly learn that this shoot will take place underwater! Each girl gets to do it twice — the second time after receiving feedback from Mr. Jay — but VE. She’s pissed of course, and demands that she get some credit for not getting a second round. Credit for what? Making people dislike you enough that you’re not picked? Um, sure, congrats. Sundai, meanwhile, is worried because her ear’s been bothering her since the cliff jump, and she doesn’t think that going underwater is going to feel good. She also mentions that she has asthma. Girl, suck it up and stop making excuses. Remember, you’re the one who told us that you might as well kill yourself if you don’t win. So get your ear, asthma, and dumb ass in that water!
What, weren’t you guys like 7 when “Titanic” came out? Back off, that’s MY generation’s gang-raped movie reference!
Hair and makeup is minimal given the nature of the shoot, and Laura is first to go. They bring her down fairly deep underwater, assisted by an oxygen tank, and then remove the mouthpiece for the shoot. However, she panics almost instantly, and scuba divers rush over to jam the mouthpiece back in her mouth while she hyperventilates. As Laura astutely notes, that is NOT good when you’re underwater! Luckily, she manages to calm down and not drown, and ends up with some pretty good film for her first run. She only seems to improve for the second run.
BEN is up next, and her red hair looks really pretty as it billows in the water. She doesn’t really have any problems, despite VE vocalizing to the other girls that she hoped BEN would fuck it up. Has this girl learned ANYTHING about being a gigantic bitch and it doing her no favors? WonkEye knows BEN is her greatest competition, and vows to use that as motivation in her own shoot. Jay tells her that her first run produced some great surface-level pictures, but that they aren’t really usable given that the purpose of the shoot is to be completely underwater. WonkEye corrects that problem on her second run and likely got a good shot.
Sundai has stupidly requested that they keep her near the surface due to her asthma, so she’s already not really complying with the shoot. To make things worse, once she goes under the water, she flails around worse than I do on the 4 a.m. bar’s dance floor. It is terrible, with arms and legs akimbo and the long wig they put on her completely covering her face. She claims that she can only stay underwater for seconds at a time, blaming her ear, the asthma and now water that has gone up her nose. So basically, we’re watching her dunk under, flail for five seconds, and then wheezingly break the surface. Even the photographer is pissed by the end of it. She makes some slight improvements during her second run, but as Jay says, it’s “ish” at best. Adios, Sundai!
Is that Sundai, or did we finally find Natalee Holloway?
Finally we get to VE, who only gets one run at this. The photographer isn’t happy with her performance because most of her shots were up near the surface and therefore were shots he could have gotten in a swimming pool, rather than waste his time and money going scuba diving. To be fair, I wonder if this is because of VE requesting to stay near the surface like Sundai, or if she had no control over that. She pouts and cries afterwards, telling us that it would totally suck if she gets judged as harshly as the other girls who had two runs each. Like I said before, VE, you brought this upon yourself, so I have no sympathy.
Panel time, and I’m still convinced that Sundai will be eliminated. I don’t think there’s a question that VE will be her bottom two companion. Tyra looks prettier than I like to admit, and I feel very dirty for even noticing. I take it back! The guest judge is Marisa Miller. Sundai is up first. Her body looks better than expected, but her face impossible to see and she’s much closer to the surface than desired.
“I sprained my ankle six years ago. I’m sure that will also prevent me from doing a good job on this shoot somehow. Not that I’m making excuses.”
Laura’s picture is very nice, and I particularly like the way her feet are delicately pointed. MM astutely advises Laura to make sure to find the light in any shoot, for her face is slightly in the shadows.
“Last year I was on the ground, this year I’m underwater… maybe I’ll celebrate my next birthday in space, y’all!”
The judges love WonkEye’s picture, although I wish that Tyra had chosen one of the ones where WonkEye was arching back dramatically. Maybe they looked like shit on film, but they looked cool during the shoot.
“Guys, I don’t have any dingleberries, do I? Help me look.”
BEN’s picture is fun and interesting, and the judges love the way she — unlike Laura — found the light with her face. She’s mildly criticized to point her toe, but that’s all they really can find to say as a negative.
“I had to give them SOMETHING to criticize, didn’t I? After all, that’s the MATURE thing to do!”
VE’s up last. Nigel calls it a test shot, and Tyra and I both don’t like the way VE’s face is a blurry, unrecognizable mess in the shot. She’s also waaaaay too close to the surface, but doesn’t get picked on too much for that. I don’t think that there’s anything modely about it.
Don’t bother coming back up.
This brings us to deliberations. Most of them love Sundai’s body, but hate the face. Nigel, however, finds the pose obvious. With Laura, they’re impressed with her working through her fears. Nigel calls WonkEye’s picture the best, while MM disagrees and says that WonkEye’s pose is too “erect.” That sound you just heard was approximately 10.4 million men busting their pants by even the thought of MM saying “erect.” Nigel doesn’t like VE’s picture, but he liked her presence at panel. MM loved BEN’s picture, but Nigel despised her feet. Anyone think there’s any way that Sundai and VE aren’t the bottom two?
Let’s find out. Called first is WonkEye, then BEN and Laura. This leaves Sundai and VE. Now since this is VE’s third trip in a row to the bottom two, it only makes sense for her to go. However, I think Sundai is so bad — and the inclusion of her back story so conspicuous — that VE will miraculously live to ruin another episode. Tyra tells Sundai that she had twice as many frames as VE, and ten times as many excuses. She then tells VE that she’s getting weaker and weaker each week. And leaving is… Sundai! Tyra warns VE that she’s staying by just a hair, and that she must stay out of the bottom two next week or she’s really screwed. As for Sundai, she tells us that she will somehow find the will to live despite being kicked off ANTM. That’s the spirit! Or something. Can’t say I’ll miss her. Or that I’m disappointed that we didn’t get to hear the rest of that foster care story.
So what did you think? Was Sundai the right one to go, or should Tyra have implemented the three strikes policy on VE? Did you like the underwater challenge or was it too gimmicky? Anyone else find the challenge as stupid and arbitrary as I did? And is there any way that VE can eek into the final three?