America’s Next Top Model: Finalist Picks and Hairy Pits

Hello everyone! I’m back for another cycle of America’s Next Top Model, with everyone’s favorite delusional egomanic and crop of skinny bitches! I hope everyone survived their St. Patrick’s Day celebrations… I’m proud to report that I made it through the 9 hours of drinking with only minimal asshattery and an intact liver. Now let’s see if my hangover nausea can survive 90 minutes of Ty-Ty.

I’m not so sure it can survive THIS…

We kick off the cycle listening to Tyra masturbate her ego, as she tells us for the billionth time about how only VD spreads faster and further than ANTM. The show is seen in 150 countries and dozens of countries have established their own version. On behalf of all Americans, I apologize, world. For this cycle, Tyra is bringing 32 finalists to LA. We first meet Naduah, 22, a Sinead O’Connor beauty with a bad case of the mumbles. Anslee, 23, from Georgia, reminds me of Rachel McAdams. Alasia, 18, puts in her application for the role of Bitchy Black Girl, as she announces that she’s ready to rip some bitches apart. In that case, I recommend that they all refrain from pointing out she forgot to put pants on this morning.

Holy Eyebrows, Batman! They need to start stocking tweezers at the Minnetonka General Store.

The girls are herded into a room, where a giant screen awaits them, displaying Tyra’s “MyFiercePage.com.” Out of obligation to you, my dear readers, I studied this thing closely and found these gems:

“About Me: Business woman by day, Smize-r by night”

“Interests: Anything in BBQ sauce, perfecting H2T poses in the mirror”

“Website: ImAFuckingTwat.com”

Okay, I may have made one of those up…

The “website” then does a “video chat” between Tyra, Miss J, and Mr. Jay, at the end of which Tyra says that she’s too busy trying to figure out which shoe goes on which foot to help narrow down the finalists. The Js agree to take charge, and the video ends. Alasia declares that she will faint if Tyra walks in the room — which of course is Ty-Ty’s cue. And Alasia wasn’t kidding — the idiot collapses on the ground immediately, and nearly gets pierced by a stiletto. One of the other girls should really have taken advantage of that situation and staged a Showgirls-esque accident. Tyra LOVES it. She brings in the Js, and Alasia goes even nuttier. This is Alasia’s holy trinity, and she is about to lose control of her bowels in excitement. She does lose her wig, which is a vast improvement.

Tyra announces, in one of her typical, over-wrought little games, that each girl needs to create a MyFiercePage, which will display her pictures and her walk. Tyra will only accept about 14 of the 32 girls as her “friends”, based on these profiles. Hmm, I actually like this idea. Next time I pile up a few friend requests on Facebook, I’ll make them do a walk-off. Anyone who can’t turn left is automatically ignored.

First up are the pictures. Krista, 24, tells us this is about her 5th time auditioning, and man it shows and not in a good way. Girl looks old. Plus, her photo looks like it should be in a medical textbook under “kyphosis.” Also returning is Angelea, 23, who was a semifinalist in cycle 12 and earned the nickname Hood Rat from J-Mo. If you don’t recall this young lady, she was a crazy bitch who got in a bunch of fights with the other girls in a very short amount of time. Hood Rat hasn’t changed a bit, down to the tacky giant gold hoop earrings, so the nickname is going to stick. She impresses Mr. Jay the photo shoot, so unless she cuts a bitch, she’s got a really good shot at making it this time. Next is yet another Brittany, 20, who was an online competition winner, picked by Tyra herself. I think her winning online photo is a lot better than what she really looks like, so I hope Tyra’s pride doesn’t give this undeserving girl a free pass.

Ashley knows what I’m talking about.

Sinead is next, and Jay loves her. Girl is gorgeous, although a pain in the ass to listen to. She’s followed by Danielle, 19, who’s all pierced and tatted up. What sort of idiot gets tattoos all over her arm when she wants to be a model? That’s like a wannabe surgeon sticking his hand down the garbage disposal. On top of the tats, she’s just not cute either.

Now for the runway walks. Alexandra, 21, is a plus size model, which is emphasized by the close up of her jiggling thighs as she walks. Not like I’m judging. Mine play patty-cake all day long. Hallie, 21, is a self-identified spoiled brat. She announces that she still receives an allowance from mommy, and that she doesn’t need the money that comes with winning the competition. Well, that’s charming. I’m sure CoverGirl is drooling over you right now, Rich Bitch. Too bad you can’t buy a new personality. Although you might want to invest some of that cash into a rhinoplasty. Gabrielle, 18, is mixed-race and proud that she can pass for either black or white. That is, if you can find her face underneath her crazy big hair.

Time for interviews. Tyra evidently prepared for this by skinning a Stormtrooper and wearing it as a trophy. Hood Rat is up first, and she explains that she was so angry last time because she was messing with some guy. She went and saw a therapist, and now she’s good to go. For now. Don’t fuck with her. Gone are the hooker nails (although the earrings are bigger than ever — I half expect to see a Cirque de Soliel performer hanging from them), and she’s taken the time to learn her designers and her models. Hood Rat is proud of how she’s changed because now she’s not ghetto — she’s CLASSY ghetto. Now that’s self respect.

Next is Rich Bitch, who tells the judges what she told us earlier, and adds in fun tidbits like owning Chanel clothing and her mom taking her to Paris to shop. Shockingly. neither she nor mommy dearest have ever worked a day in their lives. I think it’s safe to assume Rich Bitch hasn’t been to college either, for that’s where the peasants go to learn the skills necessary for manual labor. Additionally, her Godmother is Cybill Shepherd. Cybill’s eyesight must be going because Rich Bitch says it was Cybill who told her to go out and model. I can’t wait to see RB’s dreams crushed. Maybe her mom can buy her a pony to make up for it.

“I will call my mommy and have her BUY this show if you don’t cast my plain ass, you hear?”

Simone, 19, is a new face at this point, and is very pretty. She says that her two life goals are to be a model and to be Hillary Clinton. I assume that means she’s interested in politics and not getting slapped in the perineum by saggy old man balls. She tells the panel that she’s an “oreo” — other black girls don’t really want to be her friend, and she’s been told she acts more like a white girl. Miss J finds her overuse of “like” annoying, but Mr. Jay loves her look.

Meanwhile, some of the girls are sitting around chatting while they wait their turn. Eyebrows brags about her volleyball skills, while Arkansan Jessica, 18, reveals that she’s married with a one year old son. Evidently she got knocked up at age 16, at the same time she turned in her V-Card. Her doctor has told her that she’s “very fertile.” Kate Gosselin alert! Run, buddy, run! Her husband was 22 at the time, and they met in church. I’m sure God was very proud that His service contributed to statutory rape and teen pregnancy! Evidently not, because their church threw them out! Ah, organized religion, it’s awesome isn’t it?

Eyebrows is next, and she tells us that she used to be ugly (umm…) and used to have a unibrow. Congrats on getting rid of that, but I think you could have taken it a bit further… The judges love her face though, so she looks poised to be one of those ugly on the street, but potentially good model girls. I’ll reserve judgment until I see her at a real photo shoot. Brenda, 23, of Houston, is also new to us at this point. She’s a pretty redhead, but looks a little old or not fresh to me. She’s adopted, and tells a sad story of her biological father refusing to acknowledge her when she tracked him down. She also announces that she and Jessica could together birth an NFL football team, for she too got knocked up the first time she had sex. Do these people know what a condom is?

They really need to stop carrying these at southern Walmarts.

Alasia’s turn comes, and she interviews that she’s not going to say she’s from the hood, but she’s from the hood. Am I missing something here? She then admits that she used to be a slut, but she gets points in my book for managing not to pop out a kid in the process. Finding Christ is what helped her change, although He may now be taking a back seat to allow for complete worship of Team Tyra. Once backstage, Old Lady Krista calls Alasia her earlier screaming, flailing antics, foreshadowing possible drama between them if they’re both finalists. Old Lady has a point though — is Alasia bipolar or what?

Old Lady is next, and she tells the judges that she doesn’t want to date a white guy because pink penises remind her of raw meat. Okay, if some white guy’s dick looks like raw meat, there is something wrong with it and you should run screaming from that room. Despite her age, the judges seem to like her. She’s followed by Aimee, 21, who talks like goddammed Minnie Mouse and sings like the chick in Enchanted. Oh dear god, please eliminate her quickly. In direct contrast is Tatianna, 21, a deep-voiced, big-boned girl who volunteers as a mortician in her spare time and provides a brief tutorial on embalming. Gross. I hope she wants to be a doctor, or that shits just fucked up. I had to go look at cadavers a few weeks ago for work, and it took three washings to get the smell of formaldehyde out of my shirt. Ugh. Morticia tells the judges that she is really personally invested in HIV research, but wanted to check out modeling. This lack of passion raises major red flags for the judges, and sets Tyra’s ego on fire.

Jeanna, 21, is a plus size model with gigantic hair and a disco ball for a shirt. She has created a fake planet in her head, called Glamazonia, which is inhabited by beautiful women who bring out one man once a year they all procreate with and sacrifice. This is genetically troublesome. Arkansas knows what I’m talking about. This kind of crazy is right up Ty-Ty’s alley, and sure enough Tyra’s straddling poor Mr. Jay and miming sex with him moments later. That shit’s gotta be traumatizing.

“I.. haven’t… felt… this gay… since… I first… saw… Judy… Garland!”

Sinead is now chatting with the girls, and says that her mumbles is due to a mix of different accents from traveling all over the world. As some of the other girls admire her looks, Sinead then reveals that she was born into a religious cult, where the children were molested on a regular basis. Consequently, she is not religious herself. We’ll see if there will be any Pope picture shredding during the competition. The judges seem to like her, so I think she’s a lock for the finals.

Next is Nida, 18, a Pakistani girl who’s a little mannish to me. With a good makeover though, she could be really pretty. Backstage, Brenda’s crossing some appropriate conversation lines by listing out who she thinks will make the finals — 1 plus sized, 2 blacks, 2 whites, and 2 latinas. Gabrielle tells Hood Rat that since they’re both mixed race and look somewhat alike (disagree), only one of them is probably going to make it. This gets echoed in front of the judges, where Gabrielle admits that she thinks that Hood Rat is competition to her, but says that she’s not worried because Hood Rat is cocky. You know what sounds cocky? Dismissing another girl and calling her names in front of the judges. Consider me Team Hood Rat between these two.

Alexandra, the other plus sized girl, is very outgoing and forward with the judges. I find her personality a bit abrasive so far, but she looks great in a bikini — thicker than the other girls of course, but without any visible “fat.” I’d love to look like that. Rachel McAdams is next, and she’s really boring the crap out of me. She’s married with a toddler, and strikes animal poses for the judges. Pass. She’s followed by Tats, wearing a wonky picnic blanket for a skirt. The judges focus on the problems she presents with the piercings and tattoos, but she claims that she’s very versatile. That’s true. There’s Tattoo Magazine, Inked Magazine, Every Tattoo Magazine… the list goes on and on.

Lunch break shows that Rich Bitch and Tats are the outcasts of the group. I can see how both would struggle to fit in, but what an odd pairing, huh? I’m sure Rich Bitch is telling Tats how her lip hardware nicely matches the buckle detail on the cardigan in Chanel’s 2010 spring line, while Tats is advising Rich Bitch on the ideal size of a Louis Vuitton tramp stamp. Rich

“If I pretend to like her, I wonder if she’ll buy me shit like in ‘Richie Rich.’”

It’s finally time for the first cut, from 32 down to 20. It’s the normal, race forward in a hysterical pack to find out who’s still in the competition chaos. Of the 12 eliminated girls, we know only Brittany, Nida and Tats. Perhaps hoping we won’t realize that Brittany was the online winner, Tyra doesn’t allow the girl any camera time after the announcement. I was pretty surprised that Nida got eliminated this early, but she takes it well, and exits with class. On the other hand, Tats is a mess, and flashes her cooter at the screen as she collapses and cries. Way to go out with dignity. Sorry sweetie. Think before you ink.

The top 20 now have to do their own hair and makeup for a quick photo shoot, where they’re supposed to be embodying a specific supermodel. Morticia, who surprises me by still being around, picks Megan Fox as her “supermodel.” Okay someone needs to spend more time with the living and learn her shit. Alasia also screws up, picking Naomi Campbell but then not knowing a single one of her campaigns or signature poses. Throwing phones and beating up cab drivers does not count. Alexandra draws a tumor on her face while portraying Cindy Crawford, but her poses look good. Mr. Jay is super impressed by Gabrielle’s knowledge of supermodels, and the rest of the girls we see do decently. With these boring pictures completed, Tyra & Co will select the finalists.

During deliberations, they decide that Alasia’s photos lack energy, Alexandra’s Cindy Crawford mole is ridiculous, Hood Rat is always going to look too hard, Rachel McAdams is beautiful when doing nothing but makes weird faces when trying to model, Brenda looks too 80s (you are hereby dubbed Jazzercise)), Gabrielle has a great walk and impressive knowledge, Rich Bitch isn’t fresh, Jeanna needs to be de-Diana Rossed, Jessica is pageantry, Simone might also be just a pretty face, Old Lady is great, Sinead is great, Eyebrows doesn’t have a waist and Morticia might not really want to be a model. Based on that, I think Rich Bitch, Jessica and Morticia are in big trouble.

Let’s do this. Tyra announces that they had intended to have 14 girls, but could only agree on 12. The girls are shocked, but I remain suspicious. Tyra then begins reading the names: Sinead, Jessica (wow), Simone, Eyebrows, Morticia (double wow), Alexandra, Old Lady, Jazzercise, Alasia (more screaming and falling down), Rachel McAdams, Gabrielle and Hood Rat. Eliminated therefore are: Rich Bitch (haha), Minnie Mouse and Jeanna, along with five unknowns. My suspicion regarding Tyra’s claim that there are only 12 girls proves to be well founded as she announces to the finalists that they are going to NYC, where an unknown 13th girl awaits to “round them out.” The only thing “round” about that is the dent I made in my desk when I slammed my head into it in frustration. Now she’s redefining words too?!

“Hood Rat in the motherfucking house!!!”

The girls arrive in NYC and at Madame Toussauds, where they shriek at a wax replica of Johnny Depp. Hey hyenas, take it easy. Although to be fair, after having been exposed to Tyra for so long they probably think all wax dummies can walk and talk. Now my Tyra hate goes pretty deep, but they’ve managed again to scrounge up one of the few people I hate more — Perez Hilton. If Jessica Simpson somehow shows up too, my head will explode. He gives them a pointless tour of the museum, and of course Tyra pops up as soon as they reach her replica. But she actually has a purpose, as she’s going to introduce the special 13th girl — Ren, whom I immediately nickname Stimpy. That was a cruel parenting move. Stimpy doesn’t speak, but I notice that she has an edgy look with the thick bangs so popular on Project Runway these days, and ink on both her arms. I bet Tats is pulling out her nose ring in rage as we speak. Before the girls can have a chance to bond with Stimpy, Tyra sends them straight to makeovers!

Now we all love the makeover episode because bitches usually cry. Last season was a little dull, so let’s hope for some drama. Rachel McAdams is a potential freakout, as she immediately whines about not wanting her long hair cut off. However, even if no one cries, we still have this:

The landing strip’s supposed to be on your cooter, not in your pit, dear

Obviously the armpit’s an improvement, but I find Stimpy’s new haircut a bit sloppy and shaggy for modeling. Speaking of shaggy, anyone else wondering about this girl’s bush?

Gabrielle surprisingly gets to keep the majority of her giant hair, but they dye it a yellowish brown. It’s very Beyonce to me, but I like it.

For Old Lady, they simply slick back her hair and give her a removable pony tail. She hates it, for it’s something she could have done herself at home. I think the after pic looks great, especially for her old ass, so she should STFU.

Alexandra gets her colored slightly lightened and highlights. Yawn.

They cut off all of Simone’s pretty hair and buzzed away half of her scalp. Unfortunately she does not freak out and takes it in stride. Boo. I don’t like this look on her — her face is too soft and pretty for such a hard look. It doesn’t match to me.

And we have a crier! It’s Jazzercise, who’s getting a Molly Ringwald ‘do to try to tone down her sex appeal. And emphasize that 80s vibe you were bitching about, T. Oookay. Jassercize says that her whole world was turned upside down. Bitch, your world is sad if that’s true. It’s hair. Maybe Stimpy can offer to grow some in her pits for you. I also hate her pose in the after shot. That head cock makes her look like a golden retriever waiting for you to throw the ball.

Sinead’s already nearly bald so there’s not much they can do there. So Tyra bleaches her eyebrows. I hate when she does this because I always think the girl always looks creepy afterwards. This is no exception.

I hate Hood Rat’s makeover. The bangs are way too long and the color makes her look sickly. I definitely would have kept it dark.

Tyra leaves Eyebrows’ namesake in place, but thankfully gives her a chocolate brown dye job that makes them a little less scary. It’s very high fashion. The lipstick is out of control though. Yikes.

I absolutely love Alasia’s makeover. If I were a black girl, that’s totally the hair I would be rocking. So pretty.

Rachel McAdams is another crier, although I don’t think her hair was that special to begin with. Brenda and Jessica, I can understand getting upset, but you? Calm down. The final cut is very short and in that same yellowy brown family as Gabrielle and Hood Rat’s. Her expression in her after picture also bothers me — it’s way too pouty. Maybe she’s just upset that she looks like annoying ass Sam from Cycle 11 now.

Morticia’s after photo is terrible, but I think a lot of that is due to the lipstick. WTF. And again with the yellowy brown! I think this color looks the worst on Morticia. It’s just… dirty. She looks like one of her “patients”.

Jessica also goes chocolate brown and looks a lot more modely than before. I approve.

Afterwards, the girls move into their loft, which is gorgeous and coated in pictures of Tyra as expected. Hood Rat and Rachel McAdams immediately clash over closet space, and then Jassercize calls Hood Rat out on giving her “bitch please” faces the next morning in the kitchen. This quickly escalates as Jazz tells everyone about the faces and Hood Rat gets pissed that people are choosing sides. Next thing you know, Hood Rat and Old Lady are ganging up on Alasia, with Old Lady calling her fake. I don’t think that’s fake, I think that’s crazy. And Old Lady, you’re 24 for fuck’s sake. Act like the 30-some year old woman you look like.

They get the first Tyra Mail, and head off for their photo shoot — where Mr. Jay announces that each girl will model one article of clothing, and that’s it! And so the episode ends on that cliffhanger. What did you think of the premiere? Happy with the final 13? Thoughts on the inclusion of Stimpy? Favorite and least favorite makeovers? My early picks are Stimpy, Gabrielle and Sinead to go far… what about you?

See you next week!