America’s Next Top Model: Two Fug Trains Get Derailed

This week on America’s Next Top Model, the girls go through two full photo shoots, with two surprising eliminations. Not to mention a pendulum in the ass.

“How DARE you not buy me a drink first, Pendulum!”

After suffering through an even more Tyra-laden ANTM than past cycles, we join the girls exactly where we left them — about to begin their first photoshoot. Which will be nude, other than one item of clothing. Jessica immediately is appalled, saying that her religious family will flip. Honey, they’ve already weathered your slutty fake Christian ass getting knocked up at 16. I think they’ll survive. As usual with this show, the determination of who gets what accessary is determined by a crazed, hungry, free-for-all dash. After they’re done raping and pillaging the poor mannequin, Alexandra, this season’s Fatty, is up first with a necklace. Her curly, big hair makes her looks like strikingly like Gabrielle here — if Gabrielle ever ate. Mr. Jay loves Fatty’s facial expressions, but wonders if it’s enough to distract from the thunder thighs.

Hood Rat chose shoes, and seems to do very well while a horrendously busted looking Jazzercise bitches to us that Hood Rat should go home. Refusing to shower is not going to make that hair grow back any faster, Jazz. Eyebrows has a ring, Simone looks like Bobby Brown as she models a jacket, and Morticia has a scarf. Morticia’s body proportions really bother me. It’s like she’s half way between plus size and skinny bitch. It looks weird in the context of this show. Plus, there is nothing sexy about lounging on a bench with your legs wide open, honey.

“Hi, yes, I’d like to buy that cooter scarf I saw in your catalogue?”

Rachel McAdams has a bag and a little somethun-somethun to flash the photographer, while Gabrielle struggles to put expression in her eyes (thankfully no dreaded S word here) while modeling leggings. Jessica, despite her delayed morality claims, seems to rock a tiny skirt, and Jazzercise is given a much more flattering wig to successfully model a watch. Mr. Jay is unimpressed with Sinead’s shoot with sunglasses, and Alasia looks lackluster and preggers with a vest as she hunches over like Quasimodo. Meanwhile, Stimpy drops a modified version of the “I’m not here to make friends” cliche and has a great shoot with a hat, which I’m sure she will celebrate with her self-declared BFFs in the hair and makeup department. She needs those friends, judging by the way she looks in the confessional. Finally, Old Lady snatched up a dress to cover her wrinkles, and Jay tells her that her pictures are totally butterface.

With a lot of the girls predicting that Old Lady is going home, we head into the first panel. I think that it’s between Old Lady and Alasia, because Tyra hasn’t milked enough out of Sinead’s cult story yet and Gabrielle is too exotic to go this early. And between those two, I think it’s Alasia because too many people are trying to convince us it’s Old Lady. Nice try, EDITORS.

At panel, the girls are predictably back in heels after the midget cycle, and Tyra uses an extremely annoying lilt in her voice to introduce them to their new judge — Andre Leon Talley. He is the editor-at-large of Vogue, and understandably wondering how the fuck he let himself get talked into this. Most of the girls are excited, while some look a little blank and Morticia wonders if he knows Megan Fox, the supermodel.

Stimpy is up first for evaluation. The picture is great, and the judges praise her for looking like a model and not too sexy. This girl is competition. Too bad her personality is crappy so far.

“I’m not here to make friends. Or wear clothes.”

Hood Rat also has a great shot, where she looks feminine and much softer than she appears in panel. I’m very surprised and impressed. I also love the shoes she’s modeling…

“Hood Rat be wearing her some fine ass shoes! I’m telling you! Dass real leather an’ everything! Fo’ reals!”

Fatty’s wearing a dumpy tunic-length tight shirt and tacky gold belt to panel. I’m really looking forward to what I’ve seen is going to happen to this bitch in the previews. As for her picture, Nigel thinks her hand looks forced, and I agree that her whole body language is super awkward. Not to mention that you can barely see the necklace she’s supposedly modeling. Andre also thinks that the picture lacks pizzazz.

“Would someone please tell Morticia to come get Thing off my tit?”

Eyebrows is told she looks like a graceful courtesan. Shockingly, she doesn’t know what that means, but is pleased to be compared to a royal whore. Andre confusingly comments that she looks like a woman who likes big men and big lovers. With her legs crossed like that, I can’t tell if her shit is super stretched out to prove that observation.

“This is a magical ring that helps me find where my nipple went.”

Rachel McAdams is made to strip off some of her tacky accessories before they evaluate her photo. While the judges like her face, evidently she gave them the view I was looking for on Eyebrows. They compliment her on having a nice cervix, but instruct her on thinking more about her body’s positioning in the future.

“My mother always said my cervix brings out the color of my eyes.”

Simone’s pose is a little stiff, but the judges love her skin tone. Tyra tells her to smile with her eyes a bit more, surprisingly not using the S word ether. This is like a ticking time bomb with my sanity, folks.

“Wait — I think I hear Whitney calling. I hope she doesn’t need me to dig out more of her poop.”

Gabrielle’s photo is met with silence, and they eventually decide that she looks scared and awkward. It’s much worse than I expected from watching her photoshoot. I’m a bit puzzled why it’s so off-center, too. Tyra also notes that Gaby tends to lose her neck in a lot of pictures, and we know how Tyra feels about necks.

“I sharted.”

The judges also make Jessica strip off some extra junk, and they adore her picture. This “pretty girl” might be a dark horse in The Cycle of Fug…

“Praise My Lord Jesus, how I wors– Heeeeeey sexy, wanna fuck?”

Old Lady’s picture is meh, and she immediately begins bitching about her makeover and how she hates her plain hair style. Smart. Now I don’t like Old Lady very much, but I think we have our first BULLSHIT Tyra critique of the season as Tyra tells Old Lady that her photo would have been a lot better if her hair had been slicked back or in a bun. Correct me if I’m wrong, but since when do the models have any choice about the hairdo that they receive for these elimination photoshoots?

“Just resting my hip. They’re fragile, you know. Because I’m OLD.”

I don’t really care for Sinead’s photo, especially the way her foot looks super gross. There’s also something arrogant and uninviting about it. Most of the judges agree that it’s mediocre, but Tyra loves her pet’s confidence.

“I believe you humans call this a sun glass. How… primitive.”

Jazzercise’s facial expression is great and makes up for some awkward body language. Although given the opportunity to bitch about her makeover, she keeps the whining to a minimum, which I respect. I also appreciate that she looks like she bathed for panel.

“I’m still mourning John Hughes. Leave me.”

Morticia is praised by the judges, although I still don’t care for the cooter scarf pose. Tyra warns her though that she had very little variation in her film, and needs to learn how to do something other than spreading her legs. Jessica knows what I’m talking about.

“This drives all the guys down at the funeral home wild. That, and facial gunshot wounds.”

Finally, it’s Alasia’s turn. And it’s AWFUL. It’s like the type of naughty picture High School Musical stars send to each other via text. The picture is met with laughter from the panel, and Nigel demands to know what “fashion” magazines she’s been studying. Alasia begins to cry, and I feel bad for the little psycho. There’s no need to mock someone that clueless, Nigel. Alasia says to send her home as Andre surprisingly defends her, saying the picture is raw and brave and beautiful — while Nigel continues to suppress laughter. Seriously, when did Mr. Barker become such a dick? And here’s another question — did she really not have ANY other picture better than this ass shot? Pregnant Quasimodo had to have been better…

“Wait — it isn’t No Pants Tuesday?”

Deliberations are pretty uneventful, as the judges rehash the comments they made directly to the girls. Tyra still defends Sinead while others are dismissive, while Nigel says that Fatty is just a pretty face. Everyone dislikes Gaby’s picture, and Nigel calls Old Lady’s wretched. Andre continues to champion Alasia, while Nigel is derisive. Jessica, Jazzercise and Hood Rat seem to be the favorites.

Let’s see if Alasia’s ass shot can save her crying ass. Before calling the names, Tyra announces a new twist this cycle — the girl with the best photo will automatically compete in the next week’s challenge prize, no matter how poorly she did at the challenge. Because we give a shit about those challenge wins anyway. On with it, ho! And here’s the photo order: Jessica, Hood Rat, Stimpy, Jazzercise, Simone, Morticia, Rachel McAdams, Eyebrows, Sinead, Fatty, and Old Lady. That leaves Gaby and Alasia as the bottom two. After rehashing their problems this week, Tyra announces who’s staying — and it’s ALASIA! Wow! I have not been this surprised by an ANTM elimination in a looooong time. I definitely thought that Gaby’s look would keep her in a hell of a lot longer. Looks like she was right last week when she said that she and Hood Rat both couldn’t survive long in this competition, since they have the same look. Guess I just thought that Hood Rat would stab someone long before the judges eliminated Gaby. Bye bye honey.

On with the show! Alasia says she’s been given a wake up call, which she is now using to annoy the shit out of Stimpy by being loud all over the house. Now while I agree that Alasia is annoying as hell, Stimpy’s comment that she’s far too intelligent for these peons make her even worse. You think Tyra Banks can help you start a legitimate modeling career. Clearly, you are retarded so shut the fuck up.

The girls get Tyra Mail, which suggests a runway challenge. I think. She’s now “writing” these Tyra Mails in textese, which makes absolutely no sense because the gimmick is social networking websites, not text messaging. People who type things like 2, 4, r, u, b while using a normal computer keyboard are painfully lazy or learning disabled. I think I’d prefer to be the latter. Fatty foreshadows her upcoming um, difficulties let’s say, by telling us that she’s super competitive and does not deal with failure well at all. Yes, we can see that you will do anything to win a challenge.

“No… ermph… I can be the… ermph… least… sexy. See? I… ermph… win.”

And back to the cult story for Sinead! Blah blah blah… wait, she’s married? Okay, that was totally glossed over. Blah blah blah… Asked to do Playboy? Okay, Sinead is beautiful, but Playboy material? In the words of Kevin McCallister, I don’t think so. Bitch is bald and flat. Blah blah blah… international fashion week four times but broke and living on the street? What? I’m going to agree with Eyebrows and Rachel McAdams here — Sinead’s stories don’t really add up. The cult story was more than enough to secure camera time and Tyra pet status. Don’t be greedy.

The next morning the girls meet Miss J for a runway lesson on timing and pace. He instructs each girl to walk while gracefully removing her outer jacket. I don’t know about you, but I’m glad that Miss J is off the panel this cycle. I do think he offers valuable runway tips, but he was so fucking annoying with his stupid props and useless comments on panel. Good riddance. Anyway, the girls all do well during the lesson, with Miss J making small but helpful comments on posture, facial expressions and speed. The only notable one really is Alasia, who completely disregards Miss J’s instructions to unbutton her jacket from the bottom up, and has such poor timing that she winds up standing at the end of the runway, still fumbling with buttons before she can remove the coat. And then on her walk back, she walks, as Miss J puts it, like a little old black lady on the subway, guarding her purse. Disaster, but are you really surprised? There’s a second part to this lesson, where the girls have to practice their coat removal skills while crossing a busy New York intersection. Bad timing and you get killed. Enjoy! I’m kinda hoping Alasia fucks up again. Unfortunately everyone survives, and the whole thing is a waste of time.

More horrifying textese Tyra Mail, saying that the girls will need to be in the swing of things. The next day they arrive at their challenge, where designer Rachel Roy (who actually is somewhat legit, having dressed Kate Hudson, Jennifer Gardner and Michelle Obama) announces that the winner will get to keep the garment she wears and will be featured on her website. Miss J explains that they will be walking down a runway while avoiding pendulums, that are big enough to knock even Fatty off the runway. Not like I think that will happen….

Simone is up first, wearing a gorgeous white dress. She gets smacked by the first pendulum, but escapes unscathed after that. Jazzercize looks like a Smurf in her blue sheath, and is considered “elegant” by Miss J. Hood Rat also does well. Old Lady has a near miss, as does Jessica in a hideous blue blazer/extra long yellow skirt outfit. Alaisa pulls it together and does fantastic, while Stimpy (wearing a great silver dress) has to halt to a stop to avoid getting her face swiped off. Rachel McAdams almost gets the back of her head taken off, while Morticia and Eyebrows do a good job. Sinead’s walk looks good to me, but Miss J makes crazy faces from the audience. Although that might not necessarily mean anything when dealing with him.

And finally we get to Fatty, whose dress makes her look like she rolled around in congealing mustard. Before the girls reach the runway with the pendulums, they each have to walk down a short flight of stairs. Or, if they so choose, they may fall on their asses and slide all the way down. Which is precisely what Fatty does. To give her credit, she pops right back up and continues as if she didn’t just totally fuck that up. As a frequent faller myself, I agree that that is the best way to handle it. But maybe she should have taken a moment to calm down, as she holds on to the railing quite a bit on the remainder of the stairs, and looks about as confident as I do when I taste my own cooking. At the runway, she puts on an angry face and glares at the pendulums to obey her totally stilted and awkward walking. The pendulums tell her to go fuck herself and refuse to cooperate, so Fatty has to start and stop to avoid them. And then on her way back, one smacks her directly in the ass and shoves her off the runway! HAHAHA.

Fatty goes splatty.

Afterwards, the mustard dress is torn up, and the girls get critiques. Fatty was a disaster whom they are unnecessarily kind to, Alasia needs bigger steps but did much better than in practice, Jazzercise was great, Stimpy needs to loosen up, and Sinead makes stupid faces while walking. And the winner is Jazzercise! Congrats, you get to keep Smurf couture! And guess what — Jessica gets to keep her gigantic blue blazer and matronly yellow skirt for having one this first photoshoot! Gotta love the two winning girls having the two ugliest outfits of the bunch. I’m pretty sure Rachel Roy designs drunk. That’s the only thing that explains how some of her outfits are gorgeous and the other are perfect for a Sue Ellen Crandall Halloween costume.

Back at home, Stimpy has reached her breaking point with Alasia, and tells her to shut the fuck up — to her face! Wow. I’m used to a lot of shit talking behind people’s backs, but this is pretty aggressive of Stimpy. Alasia, who is confusingly dressed like a pirate, predictably gets in Stimpy’s face and even starts throwing shit and screaming that she knows where Stimpy sleeps. More useful information for you, Alasia, is where the nearest psych ward is. Stimpy, on the other hand, goes back to whining about how much smarter and more mature she is than everyone else, and how she wants to leave because she doesn’t like drama, and waaaaaaaaaah. What a mess. If these two dumb bitches want to kill each other, I’m all for it.

The next day, Mr. Jay announces that it will be a beauty shot photoshoot in the wind and rain, while spraying themselves with purple shit. Alasia is up first, and immediately freaks out, telling us that she has water on the brain. Well, that would explain some of her defects. Jay tells her that it was a “little better” than last week, which is not high praise given the asstacular job she did last time. Jessica does well again, and Fatty pulls it together after a very weak beginning featuring claw hands. A little PTSD from the falls, I suppose. Hood Rat is told she looks like a wet cat, which as anyone can tell you who’s ever tried to bathe a cat is NOT good. However, she also seems to find some good shots after a while. Backstage, Sinead cakes on additional makeup after Stimpy’s BFFs are done, explaining that as a former international fashion week model/homeless person, she knows what looks best. Her shoot, like last time, is not very good at all and Mr. Jay says she looks like a blow up doll. Old Lady struggles with her weathered face again, and Jazzercise takes a few frames to control her reaction to the water. Simone and Morticia do okay in the brief moments we see of them, while Rachel McAdams and Eyebrows kick ass. As for Stimpy, she bitches about her contacts, the cold, health care reform, Kate Gosselin’s inclusion on Dancing with the Stars, etc etc etc. SHUT UP. Despite her appearing to have a lot of potential, she is now officially one of my least favorites.

Back at the house, Sinead is super — and erroneously — confident, while Stimpy continues to whine about how she doesn’t want to give up everything for this and she doesn’t care anymore. Then go home, bitch! The girls then go into panel, where I’m thinking we’ll see Stimpy and Sinead in the bottom two. Rachel Roy is the guest judge, and looks sober enough to me. Alasia is up first, and the judges don’t LOVE the picture, but don’t find anything particularly wrong with it either, other than the “drool” hanging off her chin. Since I expect crazy people to froth at the mouth, it doesn’t bother me too much.

“I KNOW where you live, bitch! But not where my pants are again… hmm.”

Rachel McAdams’ picture is gorgeous, and the judges love her.

“Noah, is that you? Come to me before I go senile and incontinent, darling!”

Stimpy whines about how harrrrrrrrd the photoshoot was immediately upon stepping up before the judges, and they do not like her picture at all. Niles says it’s a shot used to sell H1N1 vaccinations.

“UGH! BLECH! WHINE! I’d so rather be adding to my tattoo fund by giving some blowjobs right now.”

They love Old Lady’s picture. Enjoy it while it lasts, honey, because we all know the old/not fresh card will be played eventually.

“Do you happen to have any Actavia? I’m feeling a bit irregular, which is bad for OLD people like me and Jamie Lee.”

Sinead’s picture is weird to me, almost like it’s CGI instead of a real photograph. She honestly reminds me of a character from a Final Fantasy game. The judges seem to agree, and Tyra tells Sinead that she needs to get past her exaggerated, advertising type poses. Tyra then notes that Sinead looks like a cheap hooker at panel with the shit-ton of makeup she’s got on her face. Ruh roh. Tyra’s turning on her pet…

“Aliens are so yesterday. Today is all about Japanimation!”

Morticia is praised as being fragile and beautiful. I just think she looks fucking cold.

“Brrrr… I feel almost as cold as poor lady who froze to death last week. Took about seventy layers of spray paint to get the blue skin covered up.”

Jazzercise looks old in her profile shot, and is told she needs to follow the light better. Yeah, that’s the problem.

“Leg warmers ready girls?! I’ve got Belinda Carlisle in the tape deck. Let’s sweat!”

Jessica’s picture lacks energy, and is only saved by some flowy fabric that keeps it interesting.

“I look Jesus-y. Fuck yeah!”

Hood Rat DOES look like a drowning cat in her photo, with her hair all over her face. However, some of the judges think it looks vulnerable and feminine.

“My boys, dey like dis graceful shit. Hood Rat’s a lady.”

Fatty’s picture is okay, but the judges love her face in it. Between this and her first photoshoot, I think Fatty needs to learn how to control the limp man hands. The judges then bring up her issues on the runway, which prompts tears. However, she gets off the hook after only a mild scolding about hiding her emotions better.

Gotta love giving the chesty broad the see-through shirt. I blame Nigel, that pervert.

The judges think that Simone’s body language is great, and I’m surprised that Tyra doesn’t make her stupid head to toe comment. However, Andre thinks she needs to show her real personality more to the panel. I think bland IS her personality, Dre.

“I’m listening for me to say anything interesting. This may take a while, if you want to check back later.”

Eyebrows is told it’s gorgeous, and the judges think her eyes are incredible. This prompts Tyra to finally break out the S word. Agggh, so close to making it without that! Damn you, Eyebrows!

“Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.”

Deliberations. Stimpy is “unspeakable” and a “trainwreck”, Old Lady is classy and confident, Sinead is “dreckitude” and “flat”, Morticia is fragile and looks young, Rachel Roy is worried about Jazzercise winning the appearance on her website given how shitty her picture was, Jessica is boring, Nigel thinks Hood Rat is delicate, Fatty needs to learn more modeling techniques, Simone is relying on the pretty, Eyebrows is “fearless”, Rachel McAdams looks like Madonna, and Alasia doesn’t inspire the judges. Based on that, I stand by my Stimpy/Sinead prediction, with Stimpy leaving.

Results! Eyebrows, Old Lady (who looks shocked), Rachel McAdams, Morticia, Simone, Fatty, Hood Rat, Alasia, Jazzercise and Jessica. This leaves Stimpy and Sinead in the bottom two. Tyra rehashes why they’re both there and then announces that… Sinead is leaving! And I’m surprised again! I really thought that Stimpy’s whining about wanting to leave was foreshadowing her either being eliminated or quitting. Afterwards, Tyra tells Sinead that the biggest problem was her insistence on doing classic (aka overwrought) poses while working such an advant garde look — it simply didn’t mesh. I think her problem was being an egotistical asshole who couldn’t deliver the goods in front of the camera.

So what did you think of this episode? Were you as surprised as I am that both Gaby and Sinead — two girls I pegged as front runners last week — were eliminated? I’m still in shock, to be honest. What do you think of Miss J’s demotion off of panel and of Andre as his replacement? Is Stimpy annoying everyone else as much as her constant complaining is annoying me? Will she quit next week as the previews suggest? And when did Nigel get so mean?

See you next week!