America’s Next Top Model: Bite Me, Mom

This week on America’s Next Top Model, Tyra sneaks into Morticia’s office before panel to turn a client’s skin into a catsuit and Stimpy annoys the crap out of EVERYONE with her constant whining about wanting to go home.

“His liver is in my freezer, along with Janice’s soul and Twiggy’s personality.”

We catch up with the girls back at the house, where Eyebrows (Raina) gushes over her “digital art” and Jazzercise (Brenda) whines yet again about the identify crisis her haircut has given her. Bitch, you are a very sad person if a haircut throws you for this big of a loop. I shudder to think about your reaction to a bikini wax. “Nooooo my pubes are the essence of my being!” Stimpy (Ren), meanwhile, tells us that she was pretty damn sure her ass was getting eliminated last week. You and me both, sister. She then gives us crystal clarity into her attitude problem — she almost quit but didn’t because this is her MOM’s dream for her. Oh, we all know how well that usually works out. If I had followed my mom’s dream for me, I’d be bankrupt from all the medical malpractice suits filed against my ass. She tells some of the other girls that her mom favors her brother (can’t say I blame her), but her mom actually gave her attention once she learned that Stimpy was going to be on the show. I’m sure she’s thrilled you’re now using that opportunity to shit talk her. Stimpy tries to tell us that she DOES want to model, but she didn’t realize that she’d have to put up with so much drama in the house. Come on. Even if you’ve never seen this crap before, how can you think that putting 12 girls in a house while competing against each other wasn’t going to be drama? It’s that kind of stupidity that I’m sure leads her mom to favor her brother. I know intelligence will be my first criteria when deciding which one of my kids is my favorite. That, and who can make the best martini for mommy.

Tyra Mail suggests that the girls will have to demonstrate their knowledge of the fashion industry. Morticia (Tatianna) is as dead as her clientele. They pile onto a tackily decorated tour bus, and then stare blankly when Toccara Jones pops out to greet them. I can’t blame them for not recognizing her. Tocarra was on Cycle 3, which was about 6 years ago. Some of these bitches were 12 then. Of course we cut then to Fatty (Alexandra), who tells us it’s so great to see Tocarra, because she’s thrilled to see someone willing to go take on the unlimited fries deal at Fuddruckers. Tocarra announces that it will be a trivia contest between two teams, with Eyebrows serving as her “assistant” for having won the last photo shoot. Blue team is Old Lady (Krista), Simone, Hood Rat (Angelea), Fatty and Jessica. Rachel McAdams (Anslee) correctly notes that her team is much worse, consisting of herself, Morticia, Jazzercise, Alasia and Stimpy. As for the prize, it’s a bit confusing due to shrieking of the girls and cheesy flashing words on the screen, but the winning team will go to the BlueFly headquarters, where one of the team members will get selected to be a part of their spring campaign. Each girl on the winning team gets a $500 giftcard, and the girl selected to be a part of the campaign gets a $2500 giftcard. I think. And I don’t really care.

If by “mega” you mean “insane” and if by “fierce” you mean “bitch”, then this totally works.

Let’s get started. First round is Rachel McAdams for the Red team versus Old Lady for the Blue team. Question one is about which celebrity clothing line is available for purchase on BlueFly. Okay, so much for this being about the fashion industry. Shameless, waste of time promotional shit it is! BTW — Sienna Miller has a fashion line and it’s NOT called “Banging Married Guys”? Surprising. Rachel McAdams scores a point. Question two is Stimpy for Red versus Fatty for Blue. In direct sunlight, Stimpy looks like a heroin addict going through withdrawal. Stimpy channels her mom’s interest in anything to do with fashion and looking attractive, and gets the question right, making the score 2-0 for the Red team. Next is Morticia for Red versus Hood Rat for Blue, being asked about Tyra’s modeling beginnings. Of course Ty Ty couldn’t pass up an opportunity to make this about her. Frankly, I’m shocked that she’s not hosting this shit. Morticia shockingly gets it right, making it 3-0. Question four (we’re playing to 5 here unfortunately, folks) is Jazz for Red versus Simone for Blue. The question is about fashion photographers, and Simone knows it without hesitation. Good job, Oreo (her term, not mine, but perhaps my new nickname for her boring ass because she’s giving me nothing else to work with). A quick montage shows that Blue team gets the next two right, tying it at 3-3.

Stimpy beats Fatty again to give Red team the 4-3 lead. Hood Rat then scores a point for Blue against Morticia, making the score 4-4 and the final question a tie-breaker. Final question is Jazz for Red versus Oreo for Blue, and the question is who is the host of Germany’s ANTM? Obviously it’s the German Giant herself, Heidi Klum. I feel like that is somewhat common knowledge, and the fact that none of the other choices are even European kind of gives it away. Despite that huge hint, both Jazz and Oreo stare blankly for several moments while Rachel McAdams suppresses the urge to strangle Jazz with her leg warmers. Finally, Oreo snaps out of her daze and correctly answers the question, winning the game for the Blue team.

Blue team arrives at BlueFly, where they are given access to a wardrobe before meeting with executives for the campaign casting. They think Eyebrows has a great face but that Jessica’s legs are too skinny. Hood Rat’s look impresses the executives, but they find her poses a bit too tranny for their tastes. Fatty chooses to wear an unflattering tight black dress, which prompts the executives to tactfully say that she’s got a pretty face and would be good for a beauty campaign, but that her thunder thighs won’t be modeling clothes anytime soon. Why would they hire her when they’ve got their own employees to choose from?

“I’m just biding my time until they realize what potential I have. Plan B is to sit on someone.”

Meanwhile, the losing Red team also arrives at BlueFly, where they learn that they have to work in the inventory closet. tormented by the crap they could have purchased had they won. They’re a fun bunch, with Rachel McAdams unfairly blaming Jazzercise for losing the game for them (um, hello, you had a 3-0 lead, so there were actually 5 fuckups that cost you the game), and Stimpy whining about missing her mom (the same one who doesn’t love you unless you’re a model?) and having to yet again reevaluate if staying in the competition is worth it to her. If someone wants to barricade the door and light a match, I won’t judge.

The executives love Oreo and Old Lady, despite noting Oreo’s man shoulders. After a brief discussion, they announce the winner — Oreo! Jessica, of all people, tells us that she’s shocked because Oreo is pagenty and sugary sweet. I’m starting to think that Jessica is bipolar, between her sweet, cute, Jesus loving persona and her catty, snotty, deep dicking loving persona. I’m all for the latter, personally.

Back at the house, Jazzercise has taken the role of annoying house mom, and is informing the girls that everyone in her bedroom is going to sleep in 30 minutes. This doesn’t sit well with Old Lady, who thinks that she should be in charge, given her advanced years. She goes and bitches to Hood Rat and Fatty, who compare Jazz unfavorably to both Miranda from Sex and the City and Chucky. Given Miranda’s teeth (they bothered me for six years, people), I’m not sure which is worse. Stimpy, the one who claims that she doesn’t like the drama of the girls in the house, predictably is the major cause of drama by running straight to Jazz and telling her what the other girls are saying. Jazz then of course spreads this to the other girls in the house, embellishing the story by saying they were calling her “ugly”, while telling us that it upsets her because she didn’t choose this haircut (WHIIIIIIIIIIINE) and that they’re basically making fun of Tyra then. Rachel McAdams astutely reads through Jazz’s tale and points out that she doesn’t think they really called Jazz “ugly”, and Jazz starts yelling at Rachel McAdams that she wasn’t there and should shut up, etc etc. Umm, neither were you, Jazz. Just saying. The stupidity continues to escalate until both Rachel McAdams and Jazz stomp off, pissed as hell. Way to keep the drama to a minimum, Stimpy.

Not the ideal outfit to wear when acting indignant that someone supposedly called you ugly.

The next morning, everyone’s still pissed off and Stimpy’s back to her mature high horse, blissfully ignoring the fact that half the drama the night before was her fault. What an annoying passive aggressive attention whore. Tyra Mail for the photo shoot arrives, and the girls head off to a dance studio to meet Mr. Jay. He announces that for this photo shoot, each girl will be embodying a different style of dance. Jazzercise is immediately worried, because unless she gets Olivia Newton John, she won’t perform well. Mr. Jay reassures them that they’ve brought in an expert to help each girl become familiar with her genre, which I find disappointing. I was really looking forward to Morticia mistaking the mambo with the tango, and looking as confused as her coworkers when she gives them an erection around a corpse.

Rachel McAdams has rhythmic dancing, which I think is a really good one because she has that ribbon stick thing to pose with. Unfortunately, she just waves it around half-assedly, and as Jay tells her, doesn’t look like a model at all. Jessica has salsa, and begins the shoot by shaking convulsively. Jay instructs her that she should be inspired by the dance but not necessarily be DOING the dance, and she calms down enough to get some decent shots. Hood Rat got moshing. which is a little hard to do because it requires other people by definition. I’m also not sure why the hell she’s wearing a top hat. I’ve been alarmingly close to a few mosh pits in my days., and I don’t remember no top hats. Hood Rat seems to do okay despite the weird circumstances of her assignment, and gets some good shots once she softens her expression to show more pain than anger.

Poor, poor Morticia got tap dance, and got stuck in a shirt that looks like a bedazzled, fringey version of Jazz’s night shirt. It’s ugly and the whole outfit is terribly unflattering, especially given her tendency to look a lot thicker than the other girls. On top of that, her energy is flat, so she might have trouble getting a good picture. Stimpy’s continuing carrying on her pity party for one, telling us for the millionth time that she hates the drama in the house that HER DUMB ASS causes. She insists that she loves modeling, curiously only naming behind-the-scenes aspects of the industry. This is not America’s Next Top Artistic Director, Stimpy. She then stinks it up on set again, doing the robot to demonstrate disco, and breaking out some of John Travolta’s worst moves. Jay tells us he’s less inspired by her every week and thinks the judges will tire of her sooner than later. Tyra has shown less commitment to her pets this season than usual (online winner whose name I forgot, Sinead), so I think he’s right.

“Come on, Jay, let’s trade — I run the shoot and you model.”

“Only if trading outfits is part of the deal.”

Fatty has breakdancing and looks so much like a dude that I had to check for her name on the bottom of the screen to figure out who it was. However, she seems to come up with some really interesting poses that impress Jay. Eyebrows has jazz for her dance style, as well as a top hat that actually makes sense this time. Like last week, Jay absolutely gushes over her shoot, although I think she looks kind of hokey with her “All That Jazz” poses.

As for Jazzercise, she’s gotten stuck with African, and is continuing to whine to the backstage people that she has to have a great shoot. She tells us that her focus has to be on the competition and “not someone being evil to her.” Whoa there, bitch, back off with the e-word. Rachel McAdams is EVIL because she correctly called you out for being a gigantic exaggerator? Between the ridiculous hair drama and this, Jazz is officially the d-word — delusional. During her shoot, Jazz just stands there staring at the camera in her ridiculous outfit until Jay prompts her to do something — anything — with her arms to keep the energy up. In reaction, Jazz asks if she looks aged, to which I say YES. I don’t think there’s anything current or fresh about her look at all. After screwing up the timing of a series of jumps with the snapping of the pictures, Jazz looks pretty fucked and Rachel McAdams is pretty pleased.

Old Lady has ballet, complete with tutu and ballet slippers. She looks like she’s wearing little girl clothes, and it’s kind of sad and creepy. A little Miss Havisham-esque. She struggles at first with the jumps, worried that her rheumatoid arthritis would act up. After moving to the ballet bar and forcing herself to go en pointe, it looks like she got a decent shot or two out of it. As for Oreo, they continue playing up the opposites by giving her hip hop, complete with gold jacket and blurred tittie shots. Oreo tries to bluff her way into it, but winds up lacking commitment and looking dull and silly.

“There hasn’t been an entry for hip hop on StuffWhitePeopleLike.com, so I was very confused…”

Alasia has interpretive dance, which should work well with the voices in her head. They stick her in a weird ghost girl nightgown, but to the delight of Jay and the dismay of the other girls, she totally kicks ass during the shoot, contorting her body in interesting ways and showing emotion in her face. Looks like ass girl is growing up. However, she’s got to get a lot more consistent or crazy for me to like her. She’s blah right now, as demonstrated by the lack of nickname.

After the shoot, Stimpy whines even MORE about wanting to go home, which amuses and annoys the other girls in the room. They ask Stimpy, if she could be anywhere else in the world right now, where she’d want to be, and she claims a bar in LA would be ideal. Really? That’s all you got when asked to name the ideal place you would be right now? Girl, get some imagination. For example, mine involves a hut in Bora Bora, unlimited food and booze, and Eminem. To, uh, sing to me. Yep.

Panel! Tyra’s wearing her hideous skin and shoulder pads catsuit, and it’s so bad that at first I think has to do with a mini-panel challenge or something. But nope — she actually is wearing that. The guest judge is Sean Patterson, head of Wilhelmina Models, and a huge dick if you recall him from last season when he booted off poor Rachel after a go-see challenge at his office. Jessica is up first for evaluation, and the judges think her picture is okay. She looks great, but it’s too literal of an interpretation of the salsa rather than a modeling picture inspired by that dance. Andre tells her that a pointed toe in a shoe with an ankle strap looks “patently gauche” and I don’t know what the hell he means by that. Start making sense asshole, or get on my sucky judges shitlist.

“You know what’s gauche? BIRTH CONTROL.”

They love Eyebrows again, and Tyra tells her that she had 10 best shots to choose from. I’m not sure how this is not literal and Jessica’s was, but I am falling into the deep dark hole of trying to rationalize the panel’s critiques again.

“I love how this dance makes the wind tostle my eyebrows.”

Rachel McAdams gets the same literal critique that Jessica did, and Andre hates it, saying she looks like a wax figurine and not a model.

“If I don’t hold my head perfectly straight, it will fall off.”

Oreo’s wearing a gorgeous purple shirt, but that doesn’t save her from getting a bad critique. Tyra calls it safe and that she failed to really “go there” to get a hip hop shot. Andre breaks out the “patently gauche” comment again about her legs and it makes even less sense than before. You know what, Andre? People who try to use big words to sound super smart usually come off sounding the dumbest of all. Jackass.

“Anyone want to take a spin in my Prius and go to The Gap after this? Maybe we can get some Starbucks too.”

Morticia’s picture is not as bad as I expected, although Sean correctly notes that her splayed thigh pose is not the most flattering. She really seems to enjoy keeping those babies spread apart, doesn’t she? May I remind you of the cooter scarf? Tyra tells Morticia that her film was “soooo bad” but that she found this shot purely by luck in there. She’s safe this week but clearly vulnerable.

“I like to air my stuff out. So sue me.”

Jazzercise shows up for panel looking “like an accountant”, a criticism I’m my accountant BFF would love. I’d say she looks more like a soccer mom who’s about three years away from really porking up. They pretty much hate her picture, noting that there is nothing modely or dancey about it — instead she just looks like an idiot. Cut to Rachel McAdams smirking her ass off, earning her nickname by her Mean Girls behavior in addition to her looks.

Now THIS is ugly…

Alasia looks even worse than Jazz, wearing a clunky, dated denim jacket over — a silver metallic cut-out bathing suit. Bitch looks like a cheap stripper — you know, the kind who’s guaranteed to give you three STDs instead of one. Tyra comments that if she showed up for a go-see looking like that, they’d wonder how the riff-raff found out about it. As for her picture, they LOVE it but I really don’t get it. I personally don’t see what’s so difficult about looking off to one side while jumping, nor do I find it particularly beautiful or compelling.

“How bout an ass shot? No? Okay.”

Fatty’s picture is considered amazing by the judges — except that she forgot to extend her neck. Other than that, they think she looks athletic, and Nigel likes how flexible she is. Is it just wishful thinking, or does he sound mildly perverted whenever he makes comments like that?

“Air-what now? No, really, my gut totally looks this way.”

Hood Rat’s picture is really good, and the judges agree. She explains that she started thinking about pain rather than anger, and Sean gushes over her, stating that many of his experienced models are just learning the trick of projecting emotion.

“I has ‘perienced pain, you knowhaa I’m sayin’? Dass da truth. I has the feelins!”

They like Old Lady’s picture, although I think that I’m looking way too far up her nose thanks to her head tilt.

“Be honest — any bats in the cave?”

Last is Stimpy, and her picture is terrible. The judges all hate it, and are basically confused by how she turned out such a piece of shit. When Tyra mentions that each picture featured one of only four lame-ass poses, Stimpy blames it on only having been taught four poses. Again, this girl’s lack of creativity and original thought is frightening. Tyra then tells Stimpy that she’s aware that Stimpy’s been talking about leaving, which cues the whinefest about the drama in the house that she helps cause. Sean doesn’t stand for that crap, pointing out that as her potential agent, this is ridiculous and she needs to man the fuck up. Tyra then asks her the million dollar question — does she want to stay or does to go. Stimpy further proves that she’s a gigantic passive aggressive twat by claiming that she wants to stay. Ugh, I hope she’s gone tonight.

“Hip hop hooray! Ho-hey-ho-hey-ho-hey-ho!”

Deliberations. Stimpy and Jazzercise are by far the worse, while Eyebrows, Hood Rat and Alasia are the best. Everyone else is a little meh and in the middle of the pack. And here’s the order: Alasia (do not get it), Hood Rat, Jessica, Fatty, Old Lady, Eyebrows (that’s bizarre, they loved her picture), Morticia, Oreo and Rachel McAdams. This leaves Stimpy and Jazzercise in the bottom, as expected. I’m not a big fan of either, but I’m rooting for Stimpy to go home. Time to rehash why they’re in the bottom two: Stimpy has all the goods but doesn’t necessarily want it bad enough. Jazz– wait a second, Stimpy’s shaking her head! She doesn’t want this! Ugh, I’m going to stab this dumb bitch. She is either the world’s most indecisive person or this is all a ploy for extra camera time. Either way, go fuck yourself. She tells Tyra that she likes the industry and all… it’s swell… but she think she’s here for the wrong reasons. Tyra asks what those are and Stimpy explains that her mom’s a big fan of the show and her mom finally pays attention to her and likes her now that she’s on it. Jesus. As I said before, this is either complete crap or her mom is going to set her ass on FIRE when she gets home for fucking up her chances on ANTM and making her mother sound like a heartless bitch on national television. Tyra thanks Stimpy for her honesty and reveals that she’s holding Jazzercize’s picture, so Stimpy’s ass was already going home anyway. Yay!

Tyra gives Jazz her photo and announces that the judges think that she needs to be edged out even more, and that she will be going through another “transformation” shortly. I’m assuming this means that they’re going to chop even more of Jazz’s hair off, which I think is awesome, hahaha. Back in the loft, Stimpy packs her shit and gives us this priceless sound byte: “My mom, that’s why I stayed so long, is because she can actually, finally shut up about how I never do anything good.” Ah yeah, I’m sure THIS is what will keep her off your back for years to come, you sweet, darling daughter.

So what did you think? Did Stimpy deserve to go? Were you as sick of her as I was? Do you believe this story about her mom, or do you think she was just looking for attention? What kind of transformation is in store for Jazzercise? And who do you think was the winner of that argument — her or Rachel McAdams?

See you next week!