America’s Next Top Model: Hopping on the Vampire Bandwagon

This week on America’s Next Top Model, the whiniest, bitchiest and craziest take center stage while an interesting photoshoot balances out a lame challenge.

“Daphne suggested pink while Maria thought taupe would be best. I ultimately agreed with Lauren that I should go with purple eyeshadow, and now everyone else is pissed. Ugh, it’s so exhausting when the voices inside my head fight.”

We pick up in the limo after panel, where Jazzercise (Brenda) is whining about how she got the hardest dance at last week’s photoshoot. Okay, sure, african wasn’t the easiest, but this bitch would have sucked at anything. Give her the Cha Cha Slide and she’d be at a loss. “Right foot what?!? WHINE!” We’re reminded that Tyra has ordered another transformation for Jazz, which cues only more whining about her identity crisis without her long hair. Shave her head! Shave her head! Accidentally slit her jugular!

Tyra Mail announces that the girls will have to improvise, which suggests an acting challenge to everyone. Rachel McAdams (Anslee) and Oreo (Simone) both tell us that they want to succeed at modeling, to prove that bitches and boring people can be successful, respectively. And our bottom two is possibly revealed three minutes in. They arrive at the Upright Citizens Brigade to watch some improv for their next photoshoot. They introduce a game where the person on stage has to mime a common action, while displaying an emotion suggested by the audience. Jazz, Alasia, Oreo and Rachel McAdams each are shown playing, and it’s dumber than shit. Rather that recapping it, how bout I mime stabbing myself in the eye happily?

Back at the house, the girls see Alasia’s winning photo from last week displayed, and Rachel McAdams bitches about how she doesn’t think that Alasia deserves to be there because she can’t control her emotions. She dismisses the excuse of Alasia being only 18 and points out that when she was a slutty mcslutterson and got knocked up at 19, she had to grow up fast. And whose fault was that, you idiot? Sure, Alasia’s annoying and likely clinically insane, but you weren’t exactly the model teenager yourself, honey.

Tyra Mail announces the girls need to be ready to blow up and God I wish that was literal for some of them. The next morning, Sally Hershberger arrives to recut Jazz’s hair. Unfortunately this does not involve a shaved head but rather shaved sides and more of a mohawk look. Shockingly, more whining ensues. I am SO over this bitch.

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Later that night, the girls arrive in Times Square, where Dania Ramirez from Heroes announces that it is a Covergirl commercial challenge — where the girls will mime the essence of Covergirl live on the Times Square Jumbotron. Okay, how do you mime cheap? Winner gets featured in a Covergirl advertorial in Seventeen and on covergirl.com. They will have to do their own makeup and wardrobe, which makes total sense if Covergirl wants some busted ass girls representing its product. Oreo is up first, and we see that she actually has to mime in reaction to a spoken recording describing the product. This mostly involves holding a bottle of concealer on her palm and flashing cheesy grins. Bitch looks like she’s one of the Price is Right hos. The other girls get to hear the script as they wait their turns, so that seems to be a huge advantage. Despite that, though, each girl does basically the same thing except for Morticia (Tatianna), who tosses her head around like she’s hanging out in an Amsterdam red light district window. The men in the crowd love it, and kudos to her for doing something even vaguely interesting in this dull episode. Believe it or not, Jazzercise uses this as yet ANOTHER opportunity to suck at life and whine about her hair when she is all like “waaaah I don’t think my hair is very Covergirl!” I think your shitty personality and dated look is more of the problem.

Come on, Maya, go all mascara of death on Jazz’s ass!

Results. Dania didn’t think that the girls really went for it enough and criticizes them for holding back. However, Morticia’s prostitute dance stood out and she is picked as the challenge winner. Morticia cheers in celebration and I notice what’s going on in her mouth for the first time. Dear lord, this girl has got some gums on her. It looks like her dentures are falling out. I hope she didn’t steal those from one of her clients. Rachel McAdams holds firmly onto her snotty bitch title when she tells us that it wasn’t her fault she didn’t do well — she couldn’t hear Dania’s instructions. Um, bullshit. And even if that WAS true, she got to see a bunch of other girls go before her so stop making up excuses. You sucked. Plain and simple.

Afterwards at home, Rachel McAdams is feeling sorry for herself some more, and gets in a fight with Alasia’s crazy ass about what “keep refrigerated” means. Rachel McAdams is right in that it doesn’t mean “leave out on the counter to rot and attract bugs.” However, she uses a snotty tone that Alasia takes offense to, which quickly escalates into Rachel McAdams condescendingly calling Alasia “sweetheart” and then screaming at her about how she doesn’t listen. I am totally on Alasia’s side on thi— Ohhhhh shit. Just as I was firmly in the Alasia camp on this fight, Alasia goes “What kind of woman are you? How you treating your daughter?” Everyone knows that no matter how intense the fight, you don’t be bringing anyone’s babies or mommas into it. She should have been a lot more respectful and just called her a fat ho.

Much screaming ensues, accompanied by flailing and hand jabbing while Hood Rat (Angelea) looks on in disbelief. It’s broken up by Old Lady (Krista), who pulls her wrinkled ass out of bed to tell everyone to calm the fuck down so she can get her rest. It IS after 6 p.m., after all. The girls finally separate, with Alasia still running her mouth as she walks away and Rachel McAdams still fuming in the kitchen.

Hood Rat: “Das shit is going DOWN, you knowwha I sayin? And I knows bout going down.”

Tyra Mail arrives saying “beware of the no-neck monster” and Jessica assumes that the photoshoot is going to involve snakes. See, I immediately thought of Rosie O’Donnell. I’ll take snakes any day. They arrive at the photoshoot, where they find a vampire victim dead in a bathtub and are greeted by Mr. Jay, whose shades and long leather trench indicates that he seems to have confused The Matrix with Twilight. Keanu Reeves and Kristin Stewart do both have that same stoned, lifeless quality to their acting… Outfit aside, his vampire makeup and creepy blue contacts are pretty cool, and he announces that each girl will portray a vampire victim in the photoshoot — while wearing white-out contacts that will completely blind them. Some of the girls are understandably unsure of how they’ll be able to pose blind, but Jazzercise continues to outwhine them all by telling us that waaaaaaah she’s never put anything in her eye before! I don’t know how these other girls resist the urge to break her eye cherry with their fists. After sending them to hair and makeup, Mr. Jay then beckons them back out to announce that they will be posing in the bathtub, which is filled with fake blood. Many of the girls freak out but Morticia is all like, no biggie, just be glad it isn’t gastrointestinal fluid because that shit is a lot nastier, y’all.

Hood Rat is up first, and her blind ass is lead out to the tub as carefully as people normally lead Old Lady across the street. She’s excited to get in the blood tub, and seems to do well. Alasia is next, and she adopts the Morticia splayed thigh pose and does a great job in the shoot. Morticia belches her approval backstage, which amusingly prompts Old Lady to call her a nasty ho while Jessica scampers off in disgust. Fatty (Alexandra) does well, and Old Lady pleases Jay after a few minutes of struggling. Jessica initially is in Jesus mode and is too sweet, but them switches to her dirty hooker mode and gets a great shot.

Oh my God, I am going to fucking kill Jazzercise. We go to her backstage, where she’s so fucking incompetent that she can’t get the contacts in her eyes and has to have Rachel McAdams physically put them in for her. Then, once they’re in, she immediately begins whining about how much they hurt and how she’s worried they’re going to get lost in that empty useless orb she calls her head. They’re CONTACTS. GET OVER YOURSELF. Rachel McAdams mirrors my sentiments when she says to the camera, “Brenda, get over it. Go home.” No shit. And now the dumb bitch is crying and Mr. Jay has to come talk to her. Unfortunately, she does really well on set despite all her attention-grabbing boohoohooing, and I think we might be stuck with her ass for another week. Hate hate hate!

“First I get selected to be on ANTM over thousands of other girls, then I have to get my hair cut by a celebrity stylist –TWICE — and now I have to put these cool white-out contacts in my EYE for a photoshoot! WHY GOD WHY?!?”

Morticia gets in the tub and goes apeshit, rubbing the blood all herself and even licking at it. God, I hope this is not what she’s like at work. Eyebrows (Raina) strikes me as masculine in her shoot, but Jay loves it. Again. Rachel McAdams’ shoot goes fine, but seems a bit more pleased with herself afterwards than Jay’s praise called for. Then we get to Oreo, who does not have a good shoot at all. I don’t know if she’s afraid of the blood or what, but she barely gets in tub, and is perched at the very end, hanging on for dear life and staring blankly at the camera. Normally I would say something slightly inappropriate about water and black people, but this is OREO. She should be all over that shit. The male model is doing nothing to help her or any of the other girls, but perhaps he was instructed to just react to them and not initiate any poses. Either that or he sucks. Jay comes over and tells Oreo that it looks like she’s about to give birth or just did, and it’s a mess. Perhaps we’re getting a preview of Breaking Dawn? The pep talk/insults seem to work, and she gets much more into it by the end, and perhaps got a decent picture.

Later that night, Jazzercise is still whining about the contacts to a group of pained looking girls she’s cornered in the kitchen when they get the Tyra Mail for panel the next day. Rachel McAdams is still cocky (pretty much guaranteeing a bottom two finish between that and her fight with Alasia earlier), and Oreo tells us that she’s confident while looking really nervous. Jazz is scared to see her picture and I hope it’s horrible. I’m still thinking though that Oreo will be in the bottom two and not her, unfortunately.

Panel! Tyra continues to exhibit poor fashion choices, wearing yet another “jumpsuit” as she calls it. Is this her version of Miss J’s obnoxious panel accessories? She looks like even more of an idiot than he did. The guest judge is Dania Ramirez, and Morticia is up first with another trademark splayed thigh pose. They love the picture.

“This is just like that one night we all got really drunk and played in the lab.”

Jessica’s matchy-matchy outfit displeases the panel, and they’re ho-hum about her picture, stating that her left leg isn’t really in a good spot and she needed more body tension in general. However, Tyra thinks her face looks gorgeous, so she’s probably safe.

“Suck me hard, big boy… after I say my rosary.”

Alasia’s picture is a near duplicate of Morticia’s, and she gets the same critique as well.

“Yo mamma is ugly and yo child is stupid. BURN!”

Oreo’s picture is just okay, and the judges don’t really care for it. Nigel calls it ungainly and mannequin like, which I think is a fair assessment of her awkward pose.

“No, wait! Would you like to get sushi and listen to NPR with me before you go?”

The judges are torn on Hood Rat’s picture. It’s different and interesting, but they really hate the way her head’s twisted so that it shortens her neck. Andre, who seems to have his own trademarking agenda, tells Hood Rat that her dangling leg is dreckitude, marking what I think is the third straight episode where he’s tried to make that word happen. Shut up!

“I be sittin in blood, right? Das shit is fucked up!

Yet again, they love Old Lady’s body but want to put a paper bag over her head.

“How bout an oxygen mask? I think I’m stroking out here. It’s common at my age.”

Eyebrows is angry in her picture and they love it as usual. She is the clear frontrunner right now in my opinion.

“ARRRGH! You have gotten blood in my face caterpillars!”

Fatty’s picture is just okay to me, but the judges like it a lot. Nigel cautions her that her poses are very similar week to week, and if by that he means lackluster, then I agree.

“Don’t touch my stomach. Goddamit, I said don’t touch my stomach!!!”

The judges love Jazzercise’s new hairdo, and ooh and aww over her photo. Andre, who is obsessed with legs, doesn’t quite like their positioning, but thinks that her intertwining hands with the male model saves the picture. Bitch is definitely safe this week. Goddammit. I personally really don’t like the photo, but I am biased on this one out of HATE.

“I’m too cold. I’m too wet. I don’t like my outfit. I don’t like my makeup. I don’t like this guy. I don’t like… hmm. Give me a second, I’ll think of more.”

And finally we get to Rachel McAdams, whose cocky ass I think is in for a surprise. The judges initially make her roll up the sleeves of her ugly shirt and then unanimously make poopoo faces when she turns and shows them the back of the shirt, which is even worse. Dania comments that she is showing much more personality at panel than she did during the Covergirl commercial, and Rachel McAdams makes the mistake of claiming that she couldn’t hear the instructions. The judges seem to find this as bullshitty as I did. They then turn to her picture, and they find it mediocre and specifically criticize her holding on to the tub. Rachel McAdams protests that she was told to do that, and Nigel quickly jumps on her, pointing out that she has now made two excuses in a row. I agree that she needs to shut up and just bend over and take it. Like she did when she was 19.

“Andre, stop trying to make dreckitude happen! It’s not going to happen!”

Deliberations confirm that it’s Oreo and Rachel McAdams in the bottom two, and Morticia, Alasia and Eyebrows are the best. Andre at one point amusingly says that Jazzercise would be fabulous as a housewife, and Tyra agrees that she’s currently a soccer mom with a cool haircut. As for Rachel McAdams, they spend more time talking about how good the male model was in her picture, rather than about her, which is not really the best of signs.

Let’s hand out those pictures: Alasia (twice in a row!), Eyebrows, Morticia, Jazzercise, Fatty, Hood Rat, Jessica and Old Lady, leaving Oreo and Rachel McAdams in the bottom two. I think that Oreo is going despite (or perhaps because of) so many signs pointing to a Rachel McAdams elimination. According to Tyra, Rachel McAdams’s last couple of photos have fallen flat and no one likes excuses. As for Oreo, she can’t push enough in her photos and seems stuck inside herself. So who goes? The girl who’s getting worse and worse and is full of shit, or the girl who just needs to push a little harder? Well, duh, obviously then it’s Rach— Sike! It’s Oreo! As I suspected, they were laying it on a little too thick with Rachel McAdams as an attempt to trick us. No, she’s safe, and humble as she accepts her photo and accepts the blame for her shitty performances this week. As for Oreo, Tyra emphatically instructs her to keep at the modeling thing, perhaps suggesting that Tyra thinks Oreo has more talent than most rejects.

So what did you think? Did Oreo deserve to go over Rachel McAdams? Who was right in the fight between her and Alasia? Were you as bored by the challenge as I was this episode? And is Jazzercise the WORST or what?

See you next week!