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This week on America’s Next Top Model, the drama explodes as the girls split into two factions — that is, everyone but Fatty, who is too busy licking the inside of a can of frosting to pick a side.
“Hmm, I think there’s enough room in here to store at least 7 KFC DoubleDowns…”
We open with the girls in the limo after Morticia’s elimination, and Alasia puts herself immediately on my elimination watch list when she tells us that she used to have low self esteem, but that it’s getting a lot better now. Meanwhile, Hood Rat (Angelea) is frustrated that she’s been the second-best twice but never the first-place finisher. Sweetie, I think most of us are shocked by how well you’ve been doing, so don’t jinx it with your talk of “takin’ sum bitches out.” Eyebrows (Raina) asks her if it’s weird that there will be another empty bed in her room, and Hood Rat dismissively announces that there can’t be two top models, so she ain’t trippin’. Old Lady (Krista) tells us that she, Hood Rat, Rachel McAdams (Anslee) and Alasia are the realest bitches in the house (Team Psycho), while Eyebrows, Molly Ringworm (Brenda) and Jessica (Team Snotty) all are needy and annoying. According to Old Lady, they don’t get along and the house is definitely divided. Let’s hope for some drama then, huh?
Back at the house, Jessica is practicing a sexy walk down the runway, lamenting the lack of pole at the end, while Hood Rat bitches that Jessica thinks she’s perfect and can do no wrong. I personally don’t find Jessica cocky, so I think this is the talk of a bitter runner-up. When Jessica runs off to find her pasties, Hood Rat turns her attention to her other enemies, Eyebrows and Molly Ringworm, and asks them what it’s like to be in the bottom. While Eyebrows looks like a kicked puppy and wonders what’s happened in Hood Rat’s life to make her so angry, Molly Ringworm quickly — and passive aggressively — tells Eyebrows just to ignore Hood Rat, and that Hood Rat is just a bitch anyway. Because you shit rainbows and sunshine, Molly. Needless to say, this does not go over well with Hood Rat, who snaps that she’s jus’ keepin’ it real, and dat dem bitches who think dey can do no wrong, guesswha, dey did wrong! Eyebrows and Molly Ringworm are clearly in the right here, given that they were attacked out of the blue, but my hatred for Molly is so strong that I will side with Hood Rat as the lesser of two evils.
Later that evening, Eyebrows, Molly Ringworm and Jessica are in bed, gossiping, while Alasia sits in her own bed, ignoring them. Alasia tells us that it sucks to have to room with those girls, but if they don’t bother her, she won’t bother them. Cue Jessica then saying at full volume that she doesn’t get along with so-and-so, while gesturing to Alasia in her subtlest move since straddling Nigel. Alasia snaps that she can hear them and doesn’t appreciate it, while Eyebrows rudely ignores her and continues talking to Molly Ringworm. It’s very rude and immature. Just like Hood Rat was clearly in the wrong before, Team Snotty is clearly in the wrong here, meaning that all 7 of them suck.
“This is how I sleep when my vampire voice is in charge.”
Tyra Mail announces that the girls will be “fit”, so Eyebrows predicts it’s either runway or go-sees. The next morning, Alasia is running late. which causes them to arrive late as a group at Seventeen. Miss J asks the guilty party to confess, and to her credit, Alasia immediately does. Molly Ringworm crows to us that that’s the 18 year old in Alasia coming out. Better late at 18 then knocked up, you dumb bitch. Ann “the Schnoz” Shoket is back, and she announces that the lesson is dressing appropriately for your body type. Seeing as though each of these girls is an emaciated stick other than Fatty, I feel like this will be a limited lesson. They will each have 5 minutes to pull together a figure-flattering outfit from the clothes and accessories in the Seventeen closet. Molly Ringworm struggles because she doesn’t know where her waist is (too busy looking down her nose at people to look down at her torso), and Alasia doesn’t properly identify herself as curvy. No mention is made of Fatty, which would have actually been the most interesting and informative for the viewers, given that the vast majority of us are not size 0s. The Schnoz says that everyone did really well. Zzzz. Thanks for the useless product placement, Seventeen.
Back in the limo, Jessica begins mouthing off to Alasia about the latter being late, and Alasia interjects a few comments. This causes Jessica to snap that Alasia shouldn’t talk while she’s talking, and Alasia flips her shit, shouting who is Jessica to tell her when she can and cannot talk. Alasia continues shrieking while the other girls giggle and cover their ears. It’s obnoxious and annoying, but leave it to Molly Ringworm to make things worse, as she calls out Hood Rat for being “uneducated.” There’s something to me that feels inherently racist about a white woman calling a woman of another ethnicity or race uneducated, so this is very inappropriate in my opinion. Hood Rat tells us that she’s very smart, and just because she talks the way she does, doesn’t mean she’s uneducated. Hood Rat yells back that she went to college, and further yells to Molly Ringworm, “You uneducated, you ignorant, and you rude!” I can’t help but laugh at the grammar of that sentence in this context.
The drama continues back at the house, as Team Snotty predicts that either Alasia or Hood Rat is going to throw a punch at some point and get sent home. I’m totally up for Alasia punching Molly Ringworm. It’s a win-win. Hood Rat then comes into Team Snotty’s room and makes herself comfortable, saying that it’s hard living with a bunch of girls, especially a bunch of females (insert giggle from Eyebrows at that one), when they don’t make an effort to get to know each other or try to understand each other. Although Hood Rat’s tone is calm and neutral, Molly Ringworm takes those comments as directed at her, and tries to throw Hood Rat out of a room that Hood Rat correctly points out that Molly Ringworm doesn’t own or have a say over. Ultimately, Molly tells us that she’s not going to let Hood Rat ruffle her hideous haircut or get to her. Good luck. Tyra Mail indicates they’ll be having a visitor, and a woman arrives with a note from Tinsley Mortimer, inviting them to come celebrate the launch of her new handbag line, and begging viewers to watch her failing reality TV show that happens to be on directly after ANTM.
Rachel McAdams’ face says it all.
They arrive at the party, which is a challenge of course. Each girl will meet privately with Tinsley, and Tinsley will pick the girl with the best personality and style. The winner will do a photoshoot with Seventeen. Molly Ringworm isn’t worried, saying that these are the kinds of parties she goes to back home, the “uppity” ones. Yes, I’m sure you go to tons of fashion line launch parties in Texas will balancing your Mikes Hard Lemonade-conceived spawn on your hip, asshole. Alasia totally struggles, first trying to hang out the Jays, then alone by the exit sign, and then alone on a couch. If I were her, I’d too have trouble approaching groups of complete strangers alone and striking up conversation, but I’m not a model, I’m a lawyer. You have to pick a career that plays to your strengths. My strengths are writing, persuasive speaking and being a general dick. Hence, lawyer. Maybe Alasia should look into something that requires less social interaction. You know the voices could keep her company in any profession, no matter how isolated. Perhaps an Antarctica outpost is hiring?
Jessica is up first with Tinsley, and she does well. Rachel McAdams professes a love for Chanel, but then cannot name Karl Lagerfeld, whose scary face any true Chanel girl would know. Molly Ringworm says that her favorite designer is the oompa loompa we know and love on Project Runway — Michael Kors. Tinsley compliments Eyebrows’ outfit, and Alasia continues to do horribly, saying that her favorite designer is Louis Vuitton, because of his colors and bags and the… colors of his bags, you know? Yeesh.
Afterwards, Jay gathers the girls for the results. Hood Rat exclaims that she had some champagne and some sex on the beach, which is SO Hood Rat. Love it. For critiques, Tinsley says that Jessica’s personality was great, Molly Ringworm’s style was great, and that Alasia was fidgety and nervous, and needs to think more before she talks. So who won? Why, it’s Jessica again, despite already having a guaranteed spot in the photoshoot due to her winning picture last week! She gets to pick two friends, and she immediately picks Eyebrows and Molly Ringworm. And least she’s guaranteed to look second-best or better in the picture…
An outfit for the “tripping balls” body type…
After the shoot, Eyebrows gets in the confessional to tell us that Alasia is picking on Jessica because Alasia is immature, yadda yadda yadda. From what we’ve seen, Jessica’s actually started both of their fights this episode, NOT Alasia. Meanwhile, Alasia is perhaps proving Eyebrows correct as she eavesdrops outside the door and hears the whole thing. Alasia tells us that Eyebrows always insists that she doesn’t talk shit on anyone, and this proves that Eyebrows is totally fake. To me, I think there’s a difference though between talking shit to the other girls and talking shit in the confessional. Alasia waits for Eyebrows to come out, and when Eyebrows does, Eyebrows is originally startled but covers it with a bright smile and greeting. Okay, that part was fake. Alasia snorts with laughter and scoots into the confessional, and begins shouting at us about how fake Eyebrows is — as Eyebrows, Jessica and Molly Ringworm all eavesdrop outside the door and do mocking, offensive impressions of Alasia’s body language when she yells. See, this is why I’m more on Team Psycho than I am on Team Snotty — the hypocrisy and self-righteousness I feel that both Molly Ringworm and Eyebrows show. I’m also starting to dislike Jessica, because she seems to be quite the little instigator and then hides behind her innocent looks. Nooo, you were one of my favorites, Jessica! Come back! Let’s talk about banging Jesus or something! Afterwards, Eyebrows taunts Alasia that they heard her confessional, but Alasia tells us she won’t let those bitches shatter her confidence and she doesn’t care about them anyway.
Tyra Mail announces that they’re going underground, and the girls correctly guess that the shoot has to do with the subway. They arrive, and up rolls Mr. Jay and Bloody Eye Nicole, the winner of last year’s midget cycle! I always liked BEN, and she looks fantastic, in a bright blue dress that’s perfect with her orangey hair. This will be a CoverGirl shoot, and it takes place on a moving subway car. The girls go into hair and product placement makeup, and Hood Rat sits down with BEN to ask BEN how she survived the drama in the house. BEN advises that Hood Rat just try her best to avoid and stay out of the drama, while remaining classy. Molly Ringworm overhears the conversation, and runs immediately to Jessica to repeat it and shriek with laughter at the idea of Hood Rat being classy. Because you two are exhibiting pure class right now by being gossipy, petty little bitches.
Old Lady is first, and Jay tells us she looked gorgeous. Rachel McAdams’ expression shows that she’s still thinking about Tinsley Mortimer, and Jay instructs her to stop sneering. Fatty has surfaced from a 24 hour buffet long enough to do this photoshoot, and gotten so used to not taking time to breathe that she freezes lifelessly in her pictures. Eyebrows takes a page from Morticia’s failed playbook and puts her hand on her face in almost every shot, and Jessica totters around like a drunken sailor on the moving subway. Hood Rat, on the other hand, completely rocks it and Jay says it’s her best shoot to date. Molly Ringworm shows up to set looking like Betsy Ross and Where’s Waldo’s love child, and Jay tells us that there’s something about her that isn’t young and fresh. That’s called bitter, whiney bitch, Jay. However, Alasia might be even worse, as she can’t stop giggling long enough to focus, and Jay tells her that he doesn’t have a single good shot to show Tyra. Alasia cries, and Jay gently lectures her that she needs to be professional and remember that she’s there to do a job when she arrives on set. He then says that he DOES have a shot they got at the end, but time will only tell if that’s true or him taking pity on her.
At the house, Molly Ringworm is telling everyone that she feels confident (alarms ringing for anyone else?) and that she has the edgiest look in the house and she should get best picture. I’m sorry, but there is nothing edgy about some two-bit little girl from Texas with a weedwacker haircut. I mean, JESSICA is edgier than Molly Ringworm, for shit’s sake. Meanwhile, Alasia is super nervous about panel, and knows that she’s likely going to be in the bottom. Let’s hope that Molly Ringworm’s confidence is a red herring, and means that her ass is getting embarrassingly booted tonight.
Panel! Guest judge is The Schnoz, and Eyebrows is first. Overall, they like her photo but Tyra yells at her about elongating her neck, which really these girls SHOULD know by now, given how often that critique comes up.
“Sorry, I strained it while eavesdropping like a big ol’ hypocrite. “
According to the panel, Old Lady looks fresh and totally CoverGirl, and until Molly Ringworm’s ass is gone, she will escape being told she looks old.
“This is just like the dress I wore to my debutante ball in 1954!”
Jessica’s shoes are skanky according to the panel, and she defends them quite passionately, which is never a good call. Never talk back! I don’t think the shoes are that bad, but I agree they don’t match her sweet top and skirt. The panel unanimously finds that Jessica looks lost and confused in her photo. Andre also says she looks like a snotty little bitch, which is amusing given everything that’s going on in the house.
“Speaking of lost, have you seen my left nipple? Seriously, how am I going to tell any guys to lick it if I can’t find it?”
I hate Molly Ringworm’s picture, as I expected. The judges think that it lacks energy, looks contrived, and is mannequin-like. Nigel also notes that she cannot take a decent picture looking straight to camera. Surprisingly, there are no comments about her looking like the tired old hag that she is.
Dear cruel wardrobe madam: I love you. Kisses, LoLo.
Alasia’s picture is not nearly as bad as I would have guessed, but it’s not good either. They compare the blankness of this week’s photo to the dance photo from week 3, and lecture her on failing to capture that same energy this week. Alasia admits that she didn’t put any thought or emotion into the picture, and Andre tells her while he would have considering hiring bare-assed Alasia, he wouldn’t hire subway Alasia.
“If that’s the case, someone help me out of these pants.”
I really like Rachel McAdams’ picture, for I find it sassy and interesting to look at. The judges agree, which surprises me because it’s definitely not typical CoverGirl nauseating perkiness.
“I’m appealing to the angry bitch CoverGirl market.”
As for Fatty, I think she looks mentally retarded. Literally. There’s something wonky about her right eye, like it’s going a different direction than the left. The more I’m staring at it, the more I’m convinced that this belongs in a brochure for a “special” school for girls. Not to mention, she’s doing that same lean-back pose that Nigel criticized her last week for doing each shoot. No mention of that this week! The judges somehow LOVE the picture, and say it’s her best yet. Uh, sure.
“Too… many… nitrates… in… DoubleDown… urrrgh…”
Hood Rat is last, and her picture is amazing! I absolutely love it, and the judges are blown away as well. Andre makes an idiotic comment about how the picture shows that Hood Rat’s personality is great, and Nigel notices Team Snotty and some of the other girls instantly react negatively. Nigel informs Hood Rat of the reaction behind her, and she says that she’s gots some haters cuz she’s keepin’ her shit real, you knowwa she’s sayin’? Andre says that he can tell that she is real, and he likes it, while Nigel cautions the other girls to look out for Hood Rat.
“Yous heard him. Dem bitches better watch my educated ass ‘fores I go all hood on them. I knock dem bitches back to dat pre school shit.”
Deliberations. Eyebrows is beautiful but plays it safe. Old Lady is confident and radiant. Jessica’s picture is amateur, and she was combative when her shoes were criticized, indicating that she’s becoming a know-it-all. Molly Ringworm cannot look straight at camera, and doesn’t have an “it” factor. Alasia lacks confidence, and might not be catching on as fast as others. Rachel McAdams looks great, but isn’t necessarily selling CoverGirl. Fatty will definitely sell makeup. Nigel and Andre are going to cum all over Hood Rat’s picture, they love it so much. Based on all that, I’m predicting — and hoping — Hood Rat as the winner with Old Lady as the runner up, then Jessica as the last safe girl with Molly Ringworm going home over Alasia.
And the order is: Hood Rat, Old Lady, Eyebrows, Fatty, Rachel McAdams and Jessica. Spot-on so far. As Tyra gives Jessica her picture, Tyra informs Jessica that she was called so late because the judges were really turned off by her attitude at panel, to the point that they wouldn’t want to hire her or even be around her. Maybe this little bitch slap will help Jessica return to the girl I was rooting for. Molly Ringworm and Alasia are in the bottom two. Molly Ringworm is there because she lacks fire and desire, and her photos are only decent. Alasia is there because she disregarded the judges’ instructions to embrace dance in her shoots. Am I missing something here? I know that she had a great photo that week, but I definitely don’t remember the judges telling Alasia — or Alasia ever deciding — that dance was her motivation or her thing. Consider me lost on that one. And going home is…. Molly Ringworm! YESSSS!
Afterwards, Team Snotty is stunned and Team Psycho is quietly happy while Tyra instructs Alasia to keep invoking dance (???) in her photos, and instructs Molly Ringworm to continue working the short hair and show fire in her eyes when she goes on go-sees. You know that bitch is dumping a bottle of Miracle Grow on her head as soon as she finds a hardware store. Back at the apartment, Molly Ringworm packs and tells us that she’s shocked that she’s going home, and is especially shocked that Hood Rat won best photo — but that it makes sense because Hood Rat is pretty snotty, so that picture came naturally to her. AGGGH HATE HATE HATE GET OFF MY SCREEN YOU FUCKING BITCH!
/end_rage. So what did you think of this episode? Was Molly Ringworm the right one to eliminate? Did you love Hood Rat’s photo as much as the judges and I did? Are you disappointed or surprised by Jessica’s behavior this week? And are you on Team Snotty or Team Psycho?
See you next time!