America’s Next Top Model: Can Drag Queen Tyra Be the Host Instead?

This week on America’s Next Top Model, an actually editorial photo shoot follows the stupidest challenge yet, and we learn which of the seven girls will not be making the annual overseas trip.

After 7 years of trying, Tyra finally found someone more annoying than herself.

We open with the girls returning to the house after panel, and Hood Rat (Angelea) gloating about both Molly Ringworm (Brenda)’s elimination and the fact she got best photo at panel. “It feels fantastical and it feels ooh better than sex to just see my picture!” That’s some bad sex that Hood Rat’s been having, then. Might explain the anger. Old Lady (Krista) celebrates with Hood Rat, but tells us that she needs to get best picture this week before her denture adhesive gives out. Meanwhile, Fatty (Alexandra) reminds us that she’s on this show by whining to Hood Rat and Old Lady that she doesn’t understand why she hasn’t won anything and doesn’t know what she’s doing wrong. The answer to that is you’re just not good enough. Hope that helps, sweetie. Rachel McAdams (Anslee) notes to us that Fatty has seemed lost and defeated lately, but she doesn’t have time to deal with it. Haha, flagrant selfishness makes me kind of like that girl.

In what’s left of Team Snotty’s bedroom, Eyebrows (Raina) and Jessica try to justify Molly Ringworm’s elimination by saying Molly is probably happy now to be away from Team Psycho. Given the half-assed job Molly did in front of the camera, that might actually be true. Eyebrows tells us that her only friend left in the house is Jessica, and she will totally freak out when Jessica gets eliminated. As of right now, I think Eyebrows will get booted before Jessica, so check your ego, girl. Jessica, to her credit, sincerely congratulates Alasia on surviving the bottom two when Alasia enters the room.

As the girls are mingling in the kitchen, the elevator opens and Pat Cleveland and Whitney Port arrive. Pat was a judge a few weeks ago and Whitney is the boring, perpetually surprised chick from The Hills/City. They announce that they will be going out tonight, with each girl wearing something from Whitney’s clothing collection (seriously, what reality twit these days doesn’t have a collection??). Pat, meanwhile, will be speaking with each girl one and one to learn who each girl thinks she really is. Pat, just give me a call and I’ll tell you who these bitches are and save us all the next 10 minutes of what I’m sure will be painful air time.

The girls go into the hair and makeup that accompanied Pat and Whitney, and Pat focuses on Old Lady first, asking her if she sees anything “brilliant and wonderful about herself.” What the fuck kind of question is that? Old Lady says that she likes “bling, anything big and bold”, completely missing that the point of the question was to talk about her self-perception not her love of tacky jewelry. Never ask a model to be deep, guys. Jessica tells Pat that she feels like royalty in Whitney’s ugly bustier dress, and that’s got to be the saddest monarchy ever. Even the princess at Medieval Times is dressed better than that. As for Fatty, Pat tells her that she feels like a bird about to fly or some bullshit, and Fatty admits she’s been depressed the last couple of days and needs to shake it off.

“Sure, sure, I’m a bird. Anything to get away from your Joker face.”

They arrive at a drag queen bar, where Hood Rat immediately feels at home, even telling us “dat sum people be thinkin I’m a drag queen, so why not be around dem drag queens?” Kudos for self awareness! Jessica is not nearly as comfortable, noting that there are “bulky women.” Oh get over it, you live with Fatty. After a drag queen version of Tyra makes a brief and much less annoying appearance than the real deal, Miss J comes out and announces that the girls will be competing in a runway challenge with personality, whatever that means. I’m sure real designers give a rat’s ass about a model showing personality on the runway. I think the instructions are “look skinny and angry.” The winner is selected by the audience’s applause, a method I particularly hate. Fatty is immediately nervous, recalling the “man down!” disaster at the last runway challenge. If she falls off again, I will die a happy woman.

Hood Rat is first, and she struts her way down the runway, telling us that “ooh yes, dey was luvin me!” Jessica and Alasia are a little boring. Rachel McAdams is super boring, telling us that she sucks when she tries to be someone she’s not. Well you also suck when you’re yourself, so it’s a lose-lose. Fatty stomps her way angrily down the runway, which prompts Jessica to accurately compare her to a horse. Old Lady turns up the attitude, which the audience loves, making her the clear winner based on their applause. Rachel McAdams, meanwhile, got zero applause in what has to be a producer-orchestrated outcome. Audiences aren’t that rude. Lame-ass challenge guys. As the winner, Old Lady gets 6 Whitney designs, and as last week’s photo winner, Hood Rat gets five. That should make a nice bonfire. As they celebrate, Fatty whines more to us about how she can’t win shit, and back at the house, Rachel McAdams defends her lack of applause by explaining that her walk was stern and strong, just like her personality. Zzzzz.

Tyra Mail says that the photo shoot will be hairy, and the girls get ready the next morning to head out. Alasia is running late again, so the girls — correctly in my opinion — leave her behind after they call for Alasia to come several times. Alasia finally moseys her way over to the elevator and finds that it magically doesn’t work now. Again, I suspect producer intervention. She goes down the stairs, and luckily for her, finds the girls outside, waiting in the car. She gets in and someone calls her an idiot, but Alasia surprisingly keeps her mouth shut. One of the voices must have agreed and told her to say anything.

I bet the girls are glad they waited so Alasia could do THAT to her head.

They arrive at the photo shoot and learn that they will be divided into two teams and will be wearing hair as their outfits. Gross. Mr. Jay introduces the team captains — a normal dude named Derek J and a chubby middle-aged douche named “Weaven Steven” who fist-pumps and shouts that he is in da house. Dear lord. His team is Hood Rat, Old Lady, Rachel McAdams and Eyebrows. Derek J’s team is Jessica, Fatty and Alasia. I think the douche has an advantage. The girls start getting fitted with the hair outfits, with Hood Rat implying to us “dat dey stank” like vagina. Sounds awesome. I always like smelling like unwashed cooter.

Jessica is up first, and she tries some cool jumping poses that Mr. Jay tells us didn’t work out very well. Hood Rat struggles at first, doing a weird cave man dance, but evidently got something good at the end. Eyebrows doesn’t get much camera time but seems to do well. Rachel McAdams “doesn’t understand the true essence of being a top model” according to Mr. Jay, which makes me worried that instead of Alasia, she will joining Fatty (who’s a total shoo-in) in the bottom two. Old Lady does awesome, while Derek J goes “ohhh, this is the OLDER model, okay” and totally makes me crack up. Alasia is boring, and looked lost. Fatty does TERRIBLY. She keeps trying to jump and twist in midair, looking for that same fucking leaning back pose that she does every single week. She can’t get it, and winds up just looking clumsy and unattractive as she does one short. heavy jump after the other.

Back at the house, Rachel McAdams is slightly worried about being in the bottom, and Old Lady tells us that Fatty better pull it together if she wants to survive. Curiously, we hear nothing from Alasia, and I don’t know if that’s a good sign or not for her.

Time for panel! Whitney is the guest judge, and before we get to critiques, we have to get tortured by a Tyra skit. Basically, the judges all painfully pretend to be so tired that they’re going to take a nap because they can’t catch some Zs. <opening oven door> Cue the handsome model with the insultingly bad New Zealand accent, who comes in and says that as a sheep farmer, he can help them catch those Zs. <turning oven on> Then they bring in live sheep, while hovering cotton ball bunches decorated with Zs over the judges’ heads. Each judge pulls a Z off the bunches, exclaiming that they caught a Z. <sticking head in oven> Tyra goes to reach for hers, and pulls down an entire screen that says the girls are going to New Zealand. What that has to do with this stupid fucking skit, other than that Z is the first letter to Zealand, I don’t know. That probably IS the only connection. As painful as that was, going to New Zealand is a dream of mine, so I think that’s pretty fucking cool. Now let’s see which girl won’t be making the trip. I think it’s Fatty.

Jessica is up first, and it turns out that she did wind up with a cool jumping picture, despite Mr. Jay’s earlier comments. The judges like the photo, and Tyra tells her that she looks like a young model to watch.

“This dress is made of the pubes of all the dudes I’ve blown.”

Tyra tells Old Lady that her film “was a joy to go through” and Whitney loves the picture. Nothing but positives here.

“And mine is made from all the hair I’ve grown in my 84 years of existence.”

Andre’s foot/leg obsession continues as he notes that he dislikes the point of Rachel McAdam’s left toe, and Whitney thinks the shoulders look stiff. Nigel, however, likes the intensity in her eyes. Tyra tells Rachel McAdams that she doesn’t take enough risks. I don’t like it because I think it makes her look short and stumpy.

“This is me being MYSELF, shitty personality and all!”

Alasia might be safe after all, as Andre loves her — what else — feet, and says that this is the first dress that looks like a real dress you could find in a magazine. That’s due more to styling luck than modeling, asshole. Focus! Tyra, while she likes the picture, points out that Alasia had the same pose in almost every single frame, and didn’t take any chances.

“All the voices were in agreement on this pose, so I didn’t have any other ideas.”

Fatty’s picture is terrible, and it is yet AGAIN her leaning back. Can you do ANYTHING else?! Nigel doesn’t think she can look into camera well, and Andre correctly states that her hands look completely awkward. However, he and Tyra both like her face. I don’t. We’re looking up her nose. Tyra thinks her head looks too small for her body, a problem which can be solved by Fatty pushing her head forward rather than tilting it back.

Or by eating less.

Hood Rat is nervous to see her picture, but the judges like it a lot. I don’t really care for it, but it’s not as bad as some of the others.

“I jus’ be tryin’ not to smell dat stank ‘gina in dis hair, you knowha I’m sayin’?”

Eyebrows likewise gets a positive critique, keeping her firmly in the upper middle of the pack.

“I like the way this dress makes my eyebrows look almost normal.”

Deliberations. Jessica did well, Old Lady was incredible, Rachel McAdams was Whitney’s least favorite and Nigel notes that she just can’t be a beauty model, Alasia looks high fashion, everything is off about Fatty’s pose, Hood Rat positively surprises the judges, and Eyebrows has gorgeous eyes and looks great. Okay, Rachel McAdams and Fatty are the bottom two, and I hope it’s Fatty leaving because she’s just so blah and depressing.

Best picture — and winner of a first class ticket — is Old Lady, followed by Hood Rat (who also gets to fly first class, courtesy of Old Lady), Eyebrows, Jessica, and Alasia (who has never left the country, and nearly pisses herself in excitement). This leaves Rachel McAdams and Fatty in the bottom two, as expected. Rachel McAdams is there because she might only be a beauty model, and Fatty is there because she lacks drive and desire. So who stays? Fatty! Dammit!!!

I really disliked this episode, between the ridiculously stupid challenge, Weaven Steven and the absolutely pointless process of putting the girls on teams during the photo shoot, and that wretched New Zealand skit. Painful, across the board. So what did you think? Was Tyra right to send Rachel McAdams home over Fatty? Can Fatty make a comeback, or is her elimination inevitable? Is Alasia just getting by on luck? And are you surprised by how well both Old Lady and Hood Rat are doing, and are you — like me — starting to root for Hood Rat?

See you next week!